Chapter 6: The Fairies are Dancing in My Backyard =================================================
Can anyone tell me what is true happiness? Is it having lots of money? Or something else? I want to find my true happiness, can you help me?
Can anyone tell me what is true love? I don't know. Can you tell who your true love is with just one kiss?
I am not a child anymore but I still believe in fairy tales. Do you believe that if you were to attend a fairies' tea party, you'd be able to find your true love?
That night when Ed kissed me, I couldn't hold my tears back.
"Why you are crying, Tin?" he asked.
"I am ok now. It's very late now, maybe you should leave," I said. "I'll be fine, I just need to finish my painting alone. Thanks for everything, Ed."
And so I pushed him out my door. I didn't know why I pushed him away then. I'd waited for him for so many years, just waiting for this kiss. But the feeling was so strange that I needed some time to sort myself out. After I closed the door, I sat down on the floor, hugged my knees and cried.
After that, I tried to avoid Edward. I avoided Andy too. I didn't know what I was thinking. I also tried to push everyone away from me, even Amy and Joe. One night, as I was sitting in my backyard, Joe came over to visit. He didn't say anything, he only sat beside me. After 30 minutes of silence, I had to say something.
"Sorry, Joe," I started.
"For what, Tin?" he asked.
I couldn't answer him. Tears were flowing out from my eyes. I'd been crying to myself quite a lot after seeing Ed again. I just couldn't control myself anymore. I felt so weak, almost as if I'd reverted back to the version of me when I was younger.
Joe hugged me tight and let me cry on his chest. After an hour, I calmed down. Joe held me and said, "Gee, Tin, I didn't know you have so much tears in you."
I gave him a weak smile. "Thanks anyway."
He returned my smile. Then we fell back to silence again. 5 minutes later, Joe told me he had to go. I caught his hand and held on. I didn't want him to go yet. So he sat back down and I started to tell him how I felt.
"Joe, I'm sorry to have troubled you and Amy."
"That's ok, we understand."
"Joe, I am so scared, scared to love. I didn't mean to push Ed away. But...every time when someone loves me, I think about how they'll be gone one day, just like my mom. So I push them all away. I am so scared of being hurt again."
"Tin, you can't keep running away your whole life. Or you will never find true happiness. Life is never easy but I know you can do it, Tin. Don't try to shut everyone out of your heart. If you do, true happiness may have passed you by and you wouldn't even know it."
"Thanks, Joe," I said. "Can you do something for me?"
"Sure."
"Help me to say sorry to everyone."
"Why you don't say it yourself?"
"I want to spend some time alone, to think...I am not trying to run away, I just need some time to think."
"Ok..."
That night, I started to draw again. The topic was Fairies and it made me think of fireflies so I started drawing them. The life of a firefly is short too, just like the mayfly. Do you know that the babies of fireflies eat everything they can? Mostly, they eat the dead bodies of other insects. But after they grow up, they change. They don't eat anymore, they only drink the dews. I wanted to be a firefly, I wanted to change too. I've tried running away in the past. Now I would try to face the world, face my feelings.
Every night, I continued to draw in my backyard. One night, Andy came to visit me. He didn't say anything, he only sat beside me. After 5 minutes, I took a short break and decided to talk to him.
"Hi."
"Hi."
Then we were quiet again. What should I say?
"Dad and Mom wanted to have dinner with you. They said they missed you. They will back to Vancouver the end of this week."
"How about you and Ed?"
"We will stay here a few more weeks."
"I would love to have dinner with your parents."
"Tin, can I asked you something?"
"Yep."
"Hmm...you...do you love my brother?"
"I don't know..."
"But I heard Amy say that you love my brother...ever since the first time he kissed you..." His voice was so small.
"Andy, why do you still lie to me?" I asked.
"What are you talking about?"
"You are the one...the one who stole my first kiss."
"Huh? How...how did you know that?"
"After your brother kissed me that night, I knew he's not the one who gave me my first kiss so many years ago in Hong Kong. The feeling is totally different."
"Is it so important who kissed you first? My brother loves you and I think you have feelings for him too. So why care about that fucking kiss!"
"Andy! I am not a gift!"
"What are you talking about?" he started raising his voice.
I tried taking a deep breath and calmed down. Then I asked him, "Do you love me?"
Andy seemed surprised at the question. He just looked at me and said nothing.
"If you love me, don't try to act as if nothing happened between us. I am not a gift. Don't try to give me to your brother. I am a human! I have feelings!"
This was the first time I saw Andy crying. He tried to cover his face with his hands but I caught them and held on tight. His tears were falling onto his big strong hands so I used my tongue to lick them away. The taste was so bitter, he'd bitten his lower lip and it was bleeding. Andy was so surprised he stopped crying and looked up at me. He looked so torn and so in pain.
"Do you love me?" I asked him again.
"I can't! I can't..." he kept shaking his head.
"Why?"
"I have only one brother. I love him more than myself. But I was jealous and stole all the letters you mailed to him. He never received any of them. After that, I tried to forget you. I want to forget you but I can't. It's so painful, Tin. I...I..love you."
Then we kissed...The feeling is...sweet.
tbc