Copyright c 2003 by Robert Rebello.
All rights, except those expressly transferred by the author, are strictly reserved to the author alone. No part of this work may be reproduced, except for single copies of the work and excerpts used by a reviewer, by any means whatsoever, unless a written permission is provided by Robert Rebello.
The story contains material directed to an adult audience and involves gay relationships, including sex, between adults. If this kind of literature offends you, or if you live in a state which places age limits on your right to access this type of material, please read no further.
So, I don't really know how it started, where I first met him I mean. I can't really be sure because as we shared stories about our pasts, we realized our paths have crossed many times. And as we grew as friends, it was clear we were really meant to be together; some strange force had kept trying to position us at the same place at the same time, but always seemed to get at least one of those factors wrong.
The first time I remember seeing him, he was standing at the front desk at SNAP. That's where I work - Southern Nevada AIDS Project. It was early spring of 2002, he was turning in his registration form for the AIDS Ride, one of SNAP's biggest fundraisers. Turns out a co-worker of his who knew he biked to work almost everyday told him about the AIDS Ride, and here he was here to sign up.
I introduced myself to him as he waited to speak with Michelle, the Volunteer CoorTawnytor. We spoke for a bit until she came, and being attracted to masculine men, I felt an attraction to him immediately. Not almost immediately, immediately.
In the course of a few minutes with him, I knew his name, Ken, why he was here, and that he had the friendliest crooked smile I had ever seen; what I didn't know was if he was gay.
After their conversation, Michelle came back to my office. I asked her who he was, and then the burning question, "Is he gay?" She said he was straight and that he had recently broken up with his fianc‚e. My heart sunk, but I was used to this happening to me. You see, I am cursed. I have what could be called a fatal attraction to straight-acting men, you know, very masculine acting, not "flamers". Which means ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the man I want to go home with is straight. So this was no different than countless other men I had brief encounters and infatuations with in my past. Only to be temporarily wounded after finding out the man was hopelessly straight.
He came in a few times after that to drop off some money he had collected, and we continued to speak, but up until the actual event itself in August, it was always a casual conversation. Our pasts never came up; we only spoke of the fundraiser.
August 14, 2002 was the day I found out Ken was gay. It was the first day of the AIDS Ride; he arrived with a friend who I recognized immediately. I did not know his name, but I knew he worked at the RandyQ, the local gay bar in Reno. I was introduced to Dwayne. Dwayne was a bear of a man, obviously gay and obviously with Ken, or so he thought. Ken and Dwayne's relationship would be explained to me later and in an effort to keep this story chronologically accurate, I'll do the same.
Ken wore a shirt that identified him as gay. I asked him about it, and he told me he was gay, just like that. I wondered immediately why I didn't ask the question before. It was as if a bright ray of sun had somehow found its way inside my body, and there it would stay for the entire weekend.
We ate that night sitting across from each other, I can still see him sitting there with his close-cropped hair and big white shirt, smiling his funny unique smile that seemed to big for his face. I made excuses to talk to him during the meal. Unfortunately for me, Ken had decided to go home to spend the night. I tried to convince him to stay at the campground with the rest of us, being sure to mention the numerous vacancies in the cabins, but to no avail. He was determined to sleep in his own bed. How could I blame him? I was sure to miss my bed this weekend too. I thought to myself that I would be more comfortable sleeping beside this man naked in a winter snowstorm than in my own bed.
I was entirely unprepared for the evening's announcements when they came, all too quickly. After the announcements he and Dwayne left, only to return the next morning in his biking shorts, and without the bear.
The morning was certainly a chilly one, as most Nevada mornings usually are. No matter how hot the days get, that's one thing you can count on, cool Nevada nights and chilly Nevada mornings. Ken was already there when I arrived, groggy and bleary-eyed from a hard night's sleep. I swore that morning that last night was the last night I would sleep without a fan in the window, blowing cool air in and drowning out the sound of the trains that passed by every thirty minutes. The group of bicyclists ate, then the volunteers, and finally, the staff ate.
I saw Ken and he saw me, I went over to say "Good morning!" but he beat me to it with a big hug, catching me completely off-guard. As we stood chatting I couldn't help but marvel at the sight before me; a beautiful man wearing a tight bicycle jersey and tight black bicycle shorts. I wanted so badly to be those tight black bicycle shorts.
The riders rode, and one by one, they returned from the long day out on in the heat. I, of course, was there to greet Ken as he rode in. He cleaned up and put his name on the massage list. While he waited we talked. We talked about things other than the fundraiser. We talked about music and movies, jobs and lovers, God and religion. We finally talked, and as we waited for his turn on the table someone said, "Hey guys, smile!" and Ken put his arms around me as the picture was taken. And even though he told me that he had a boyfriend in Mexico, I could tell I was falling for him.
The weekend was perfect. I dare say, flawless. And as a finale we timed it so that the bicyclists rode in the Reno Gay Pride parade.
It was here that Ken and I decided to get together and form a band. We got together with Rick, who used to be in a band I was in, Tawny, my piano teacher, and Steve, a friend of Ken's who was in his last band. We had a blast, each bringing new songs to the table until we had a few to actually practice. We started practicing in Tawny's basement, but moved to my house after we all got sick of banging our heads on her pipes and electrical boxes. During this time Ken and I would e-mail each other, but never actually do stuff together outside of work or practice. Once I managed to talk him into meeting me at Cold Stone Creamery for some ice cream after practice, but when we arrived we found out it had already closed. Ken said he was a bit tired, so he went home. And so did I, wanting so badly to go home with him.
I was overjoyed when he decided to join the AIDS Ride committee for 2003. That meant I would get to see him not only at practice, but at committee meetings as well. And to my delight, he chose to be on the graphics subcommittee, one of the subcommittees I was already on. Over the course of the next few months we e-mailed back and forth, we worked together for the AIDS Ride and our band got together to practice usually two or three times a month.
January 2003 was when I asked him to go to the Black Tie Ball (the other SNAP fundraiser) with me in March. By then our e-mailing became instant messaging. That's when the warm fuzzies began to appear...
G1rly19: um, yes. PS, have you asked sally to go, because you would qualify for a BIG discount if you went with me jockpat24: grin jockpat24: as long as you don't expect me to put out jockpat24: (you know i'm just kidding you Jimmy) G1rly19: actually, you do need to commit to 3 hours of work jockpat24: how do I help? jockpat24: for you, no problem G1rly19: get there early to set up, or stay late (my choice) to help us get outta there jockpat24: sure G1rly19: i will be running around most of the night but don't worry, i'll seat you with family G1rly19: lisa, barry, sally, whoever jockpat24: very good jockpat24: but i hope i'll get to dance with you at least once jockpat24: how formal, is this tux and tie? G1rly19: no problem, that's sweet jockpat24: i mean it G1rly19: you mean you really want to dance with me G1rly19: ? jockpat24: yes jockpat24: i think that would be very nice actually jockpat24: still there? G1rly19: yes G1rly19: sorry G1rly19: so, ugh jockpat24: ugh what? G1rly19: you're just too fucking nice to me jockpat24: should I stop? jockpat24: I enjoy your company James, I enjoy you. jockpat24: being nice to you comes naturally jockpat24: all the joking and chiding along aside for a bit jockpat24: i mean what i'm saying G1rly19: thank you G1rly19: does this mean we're going steady now? jockpat24: :-) jockpat24: it means what it means. i like you. jockpat24: let's not make it any more complicated than that for now. G1rly19: aw, ken. i like you too G1rly19: but then i think you knew that jockpat24: :-[ jockpat24: guess so G1rly19: aw, my heart is all warm and fuzzy right now, joking aside
We would instant message all day, quizzing each other with movie or music trivia, sending porn links to one another and just goofing around overall whenever it was convenient for both of us, which seemed to be all day, every day for him.
G1rly19 (2:06:26 PM): i like you Ken jockpat24 (2:06:44 PM): you're getting the crooked grin again jockpat24 (2:06:59 PM): read my mind jockpat24 (2:07:10 PM): it means more than saying the dumb word anyhow jockpat24 (2:07:16 PM): you know which one i mean G1rly19 (2:07:20 PM): dumb word! jockpat24 (2:07:25 PM): :-* G1rly19 (2:07:33 PM): there it is jockpat24 (2:07:37 PM): it is a dumb word jockpat24 (2:07:41 PM): love is dumb jockpat24 (2:07:46 PM): you can quote me on that G1rly19 (2:08:05 PM): no thanks, you have better quotes than that jockpat24 (2:08:10 PM): oh yeah G1rly19 (2:08:15 PM): that you'll be remembered by jockpat24 (2:08:21 PM): ha G1rly19 (2:08:23 PM): "My head is still swimming from all the talk and ideas, and I'm excited." ---Ken Richmond jockpat24 (2:08:29 PM): you're getting the crooked grin again G1rly19 (2:08:34 PM): here it comes jockpat24 (2:08:45 PM): that's a dumb quote jockpat24 (2:08:48 PM): dumb as love G1rly19 (2:09:49 PM): how about this one..."you're winning all kinds of points towards me trusting you James" ---Ken Richmond G1rly19 (2:10:00 PM): don;t forget that one ever jockpat24 (2:10:01 PM): good jockpat24 (2:39:47 PM): i used to have a game i played jockpat24 (2:40:01 PM): with my puppy boyfriends when i was a kid G1rly19 (2:40:12 PM): hide the snake? jockpat24 (2:40:18 PM): no silly jockpat24 (2:40:25 PM): we used to play steamroller jockpat24 (2:41:21 PM): played off as a joke, it was an excuse to roll over on top of your friend G1rly19 (2:41:52 PM): mmmmmmmmm jockpat24 (2:42:12 PM): was just silly enough that your friend got a kick out of it and would eventually roll over on top of you! G1rly19 (2:42:26 PM): and you would cop a feel? jockpat24 (2:42:35 PM): and after enough rolling, somewhere in there, you could usually get a kiss G1rly19 (2:42:36 PM): erotic G1rly19 (2:42:40 PM): oooo jockpat24 (2:42:43 PM): and either get punched in the teeth or kissed back G1rly19 (2:42:43 PM): :-* jockpat24 (2:42:54 PM): fun little game jockpat24 (2:43:02 PM): it's a wonder all my teeth are still intact G1rly19 (2:43:06 PM): he he
By mid January, things were going good. Even though Ken and his boyfriend Dani were still together, I felt like a very close part of him. A little history here before we move on; Dani is a Mexican citizen and had been caught crossing the border with false papers here in the States last year. He and Ken met while they both worked at AT&T. He was Ken's first contact with a male sexually, and Ken had it big for this guy. Ken had taken every vacation he could to be down in Mexico with Dani, paying for and helping him build a house for Dani and his family, bringing them clothes and phone cards from the US. Ken seemed to live and work for Dani, but Dani didn't seemed to give back as much. They were partners and had gone through some tough times. Ken would later tell me that love wasn't supposed to be easy. I would tell him that it didn't need to be as hard as Dani was making it for him
I felt like the mistress, it felt wrong sometimes, but how could something wrong feel this good? Ken told me that he and Dani had an agreement; they would both play with other men, as long as they were safe.
I introduced Ken to another of my good friends, Barbara. It was Karaoke night at the Dead Ant and I was taking my Aunt Patty there to meet some friends. Ken and Barbara hit it off immediately, of course. I knew they would. It wasn't until late January that he started to coax me into getting out of work early or taking a long lunch to meet him at his house. I began going over and we'd curl up together on his bed. I would massage his back or his feet; he would do the same to me. For a while this was as far as it got, then he invited me over with the express purpose of me seeing him naked.
jockpat24 (3:15:01 PM): meanwhile, i need to be naked jockpat24 (3:15:07 PM): see you in a half hour G1rly19 (3:15:07 PM): let's go G1rly19 (3:15:11 PM): adios jockpat24 (3:15:13 PM): i'll think about leaving the door opened jockpat24 (3:15:21 PM): ;-) G1rly19 (3:15:26 PM): wonderful news, you think about it jockpat24 (3:15:32 PM): lesson number two G1rly19 (3:15:47 PM): yes jockpat24 (3:15:47 PM): anticipation is always more of a turn on than the act itself G1rly19 (3:15:54 PM): yup jockpat24 (3:16:06 PM): see you in a few G1rly19 (3:16:06 PM): although, i'm not moist right now jockpat24 (3:16:11 PM): why not? G1rly19 (3:16:13 PM): i was yesterday G1rly19 (3:16:20 PM): you're not on top of me jockpat24 (3:16:27 PM): is it because i hate the "L" word G1rly19 (3:16:40 PM): um, no jockpat24 (3:16:46 PM): put it to you this way. jockpat24 (3:16:55 PM): no one has found a good definition for God G1rly19 (3:17:14 PM): gigantic operating doormat jockpat24 (3:17:22 PM): just like no one has found a good definition for Love jockpat24 (3:17:35 PM): just like no one has found a good definition for Truth G1rly19 (3:17:52 PM): as long as i can still see you the way we've been seeing eachother, i'm happy! jockpat24 (3:18:00 PM): zactly jockpat24 (3:18:02 PM): ;-) G1rly19 (3:18:10 PM): that's the truth jockpat24 (3:18:45 PM): "what is truth?" --- Pontious Pilate before the crucifixion jockpat24 (3:19:13 PM): He'll always be my favorite hero of the bible G1rly19 (3:19:53 PM): ya, whatever, you'll have to fill me in jockpat24 (3:20:00 PM): no pun intended G1rly19 (3:20:01 PM): oooo, you know what i meant jockpat24 (3:20:09 PM): :-! G1rly19 (3:20:16 PM): bye masturbation man!
I told you I would tell you about Dwayne, Ken's friend. Dwayne met Ken some time back and they decided they would play with each other, nothing serious, just play. Dwayne somehow got a key to Ken's place and had a way of stopping in whenever it was convenient for him. This made Ken angry, but he didn't have the heart to tell Dwayne to stop. Ken's feelings for Dwayne had changed, but Dwayne still thought Ken would be there whenever he needed him to be. There were other men in Ken's life that seemed to follow the same thinking, Joeigh, Eli, and Lee. They thought he would be there whenever they needed him, Ken was good for a quick fuck, Ken can drive me to the airport. It became apparent to me that he let himself become used. It was then that I realized he was human, and I loved him even more for it.
In the days and weeks that followed, I would go to his house after work, or during lunch and we would talk, and fool around, or both. During one of these afternoon conversations, he told me that his boyfriend Dani had recently admitted to sleeping with another man without protection. He also told me that Dani had missed an appointment with the INS to find out what he would have to do to get across to the States again. We chatted the next day briefly...
jockpat24: i'm feeling alright, not fabulous, but alive, and that's good. jockpat24: i'll talk to you later babe. thank you for asking. i'll be doing better when i can swing by and get my hug from you. G1rly19: see you tonight then jockpat24: hey James... G1rly19: hey ken jockpat24: i love you. jockpat24: thank you for being in my life jockpat24: and i mean that G1rly19: i wish you'd let me get closer sometimes G1rly19: but i know i should stand back G1rly19: you know where i am jockpat24: and you know where i am. jockpat24: it's going to be okay jockpat24: i just want you to know, you mean a lot to me James. G1rly19: thanks ken - i'm glad to be here for ya jockpat24: i'll chat with you later. be good. G1rly19: bye jockpat24: bye
He told me that Dani had pushed too far and expected too much from him and that it was over between them. I listened, I cried with him, I made sure I was there to console him. I made him a basket for Valentine's Day to help cheer him up and left it on his doorstep for him to find after work. He was free from this man who hurt him in the past and who had very recently put not only his own life at risk, but my Ken's as well. I hated Dani for that. I stood close-by at this time, knowing all along that he was getting exactly what he needed from our relationship, while I was left wanting more.
We continued our afternoon and evening fun, massaging turned into fondling, fondling turned into kissing, kissing turned into licking, licking turned into sucking, and finally on March 2, we slept together and made love. We had been given a suite at the hotel where the Black Tie Ball had been held. I slept in his arms that night for the first time ever. He let me penetrate him that night, for the first time ever. We kissed passionately that night, for the first time ever. And for the first time ever, I knew what it was like to be in love. I wanted that night to last forever, high up in our corner suite at the hotel, but it was all about to end. And, thinking back, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.
Later that week, Ken told me that not only were he and Dani back together, but that they were never really apart. He also told me he had slept with another guy, Mikey. I was told that he was an 18-year-old gymnast with an amazing body and a beautiful uncut dick. I admit I was jealous, but I wanted to show Ken that unless he wanted another boy running around starry-eyed in love with him he should tell Mikey exactly what it was he wanted from their relationship - sex. And somehow everything fell apart...
G1rly19: you tell Mikey (and me for that matter) that you don't want to be too close, but then you can't do the anonymous sex thing - is there something in between i'm not getting? jockpat24: that i prefer to have sex with guys that i know jockpat24: guys that i trust jockpat24: guys that i'm friends with G1rly19: you didn't even know this guy a day jockpat24: right G1rly19: i wish you came with instructions jockpat24: i wish i did too jockpat24: maybe i'd better change the subject G1rly19: good idea G1rly19: all i know is - i want you to be happy, even if that means you leaving me and living somewhere far away G1rly19: or you being with an 18 year old G1rly19: even though - if you left i would be very sad G1rly19: and very hurt G1rly19: but i would remember the times we had jockpat24: ugh G1rly19: and your smile G1rly19: you knew all this G1rly19: be happy - but don't get mikey all wrapped up like you did me jockpat24: about all i can do is be honest with him, as i was with you G1rly19: he's a kid, be careful jockpat24: as i am with you G1rly19: i know you are honest G1rly19: but i still don't know where i am G1rly19: where i fit exactl G1rly19: y G1rly19: you can't imagine how many people have asked me this week who you are, and how you fit into my life G1rly19: do you know how hard it is just to say, he's just a friend? G1rly19: while they're nugding my shoulder and say "ya right" G1rly19: i could just tell them we do it occasionally, maybe that would be easier jockpat24: so why don't you tell them i'm a friend and we jerk off together but we also can just talk, or lay in bed, or drive to cripple creek jockpat24: you know James, it's nobody else's fucking business jockpat24: i don't care what anyone thinks or asks jockpat24: they don't honestly care anyhow G1rly19: my friends do care G1rly19: they care about me jockpat24: so tell them the truth G1rly19: and are scared about what i'm doing to myself jockpat24: that's what i do when dani asks me about you G1rly19: ugh G1rly19: how does this happen? jockpat24: i'm sorry G1rly19: we work so well together jockpat24: maybe i should just not say anything about what goes on on the side jockpat24: for some reason, my giving a shit causes that person confusion jockpat24: when all i'm doing is enjoying that person jockpat24: that moment jockpat24: maybe it's because i don't see sex as just an action... it's more than that to me. jockpat24: it's the ultimate expression of trust, so you don't just do it and then fucking turn your back G1rly19: it sounds like it's less than that for you G1rly19: it sounds like that's all you want it to be G1rly19: with mikey and me and whoever else comes along G1rly19: but they get attracted to your spirit G1rly19: your being G1rly19: and you go weird jockpat24: no, i want it to just be what it is jockpat24: sharing myself with someone in a moment jockpat24: no strings attached for some long romantic future together jockpat24: but in that one moment, you have me completely jockpat24: and i have you jockpat24: and experience that moment of beauty for what it is G1rly19: i don't get it - you want sex, but sex means more than sex to you, but you don't want it to mean more to the other person than sex? jockpat24: James G1rly19: that's what i'm hearing jockpat24: i want it to mean something to the other person G1rly19: as long as it's not - a relationship per se? jockpat24: but i don't want that person to cling to it with some expectation G1rly19: well dude, good luck finding that person who feels that way about sex jockpat24: this is why i say i'm not cut out for it jockpat24: and why i need to just keep my pants on perhaps G1rly19: there are 2 ways i can do sex - with someone that i love and want to be with forever, and 2, with someone who just wants to have fun and play G1rly19: your's is a third jockpat24: and i'm somewhere in between i guess G1rly19: instructions would be good jockpat24: yeah they would jockpat24: unfortunately, i wasn't given any either jockpat24: whatever G1rly19: i need to think about this jockpat24: god i was so up a moment ago G1rly19: you need to go to your appt G1rly19: i don't get what just happened really jockpat24: i don't either G1rly19: but i'm gonna re-read the im and try and figure it out jockpat24: maybe i need to learn to keep my mouth shut G1rly19: no - you should talk more jockpat24: i don't know James jockpat24: not if i end up feeling guilty for it later G1rly19: i know James - he's a good guy, all he's looking for is to wake up next to a warm body and to be loved as much as he can love you jockpat24: well maybe that's how we fit James jockpat24: i love and am loved by dani, but don't have the warm body jockpat24: you have the warm body and none of the love G1rly19: that's exactly where we are G1rly19: exactly jockpat24: so i benefit from getting the warm body, that's the easy part jockpat24: and you end up never being loved like you'd like to be G1rly19: nail on the head jockpat24: and that's why you constantly feel hurt G1rly19: deeply jockpat24: and why you're afraid mike may end up feeling hurt later jockpat24: fuck G1rly19: yes jockpat24: ugh god G1rly19: find out what he wants - for reals G1rly19: so you don't have to put him through this too G1rly19: as for me - nothing can be done until either you say ok - let's do this, or i find someone else jockpat24: i feel sick G1rly19: i need a hug G1rly19: my face is all hot and red G1rly19: eyes are ready to explode G1rly19: and i have this little ball in my throat that sits there jockpat24: so how do you do it James, how do you just fuck someone for play jockpat24: because i can't do that apparently jockpat24: i can't do it without having some kind of respect for the person i'm with G1rly19: how do you do it Ken - how can you spend an amazing weekend with someone - sex and closeness and companionship - and then puff, it's gone jockpat24: is that a question to me? G1rly19: i don't know, it's fun and that's why i'm here G1rly19: yes for you jockpat24: it never went puff, gone James jockpat24: not for me G1rly19: that's how i feel jockpat24: i'm sorry you feel like that G1rly19: me too G1rly19: it sucks where i am right now jockpat24: because i never left you G1rly19: i never had you to begin with G1rly19: well - we know where we stand now jockpat24: i don't, i'm not sure G1rly19: you just hit the nail on the head a minute ago jockpat24: well yes, but then what do i do about it? G1rly19: now we have to talk about what's next G1rly19: G1rly19: as for me - nothing can be done until either you say ok - let's do this, or i find someone else G1rly19: what can you do really? jockpat24: the respectable thing seems to be for me to not be with you as a warm body, even if you bring it to me. jockpat24: because you're not getting out of it what you need jockpat24: you can have a warm body anytime you want, you need someone to love you deeply, committed. G1rly19: i do jockpat24: so jockpat24: even when you offer me your body, i need to refuse it jockpat24: that's harsh James, because you are offering me just what i need, and the moral thing for me to do is turn it down' jockpat24: i need to really think about this G1rly19: no - i think you got it jockpat24: well i get it yes jockpat24: now what do i do about it? G1rly19: well - make a commitment to me - which you won't do or answer one question jockpat24: maybe that fixes our friendship and respect and boundaries as friends James G1rly19: and i've known that all along G1rly19: but it's so hard for me to resist you jockpat24: but it leaves a big jagged hole in me G1rly19: i have been willing to forgive my need for love in lieu of making you happy jockpat24: that's not fair James G1rly19: it's not jockpat24: so i won't do it G1rly19: so i hurt either way - knowing there's a jagged hole in you where i used to be - knowing that you can't love me as i want you to jockpat24: i can't do it G1rly19: what will it be? quick or slow? jockpat24: well better for the hole to be in me where i can fix it than in you where i can't G1rly19: tell me one thing - this will decide G1rly19: do you think we could ever have what i want? jockpat24: not under the current circumstances James, no G1rly19: ok then - there we go jockpat24: i can't be a partner to you, i'm already a partner to someone else G1rly19: ok then - there we go jockpat24: so this needs to be quick James because i have a moral, karmic, fundamental problem with hurting other people G1rly19: so - let's be friends G1rly19: i'm already hurting G1rly19: no worries jockpat24: please please don't James jockpat24: jesus G1rly19: what>? this is a surprise to you? jockpat24: i have really, really fucked up, big huge time G1rly19: no dude, we went into this together G1rly19: i fell for you bigtime G1rly19: thinking maybe there was a little bitty light at the end of the tunel G1rly19: it's clear now G1rly19: and i will move on G1rly19: i still love you and i will forever G1rly19: but jockpat24: James, i love you too G1rly19: this can't work jockpat24: that doesn't change G1rly19: i know jockpat24: but i can't be near you even when you offer yourself G1rly19: no you cant G1rly19: and i wont offer myself to you jockpat24: that's really fucking hard G1rly19: anymore G1rly19: i respect you, and i would never willfully inflict pain on you G1rly19: i will respect these boundaries jockpat24: i feel like something in me just broke jockpat24: ugh G1rly19: no shit jockpat24: i don't know what i'm supposed to do now G1rly19: i don't make the rules
Later that day I received an e-mail from Ken detailing exactly what sex meant to him and what a relationship was supposed to be...
Anyhow James, for what it's worth, I simply have to decide. The fact that I can't be with the person I'm in love with probably does a lot to color my current perception. I still think that if I were with him, I wouldn't be having these deep, heavy problems... because I would have the physical closeness, the bing-in-love, and the soul sharing, all in one person.
Maybe that's what it's all about, and only when you find those three things do you truly find your other half.
Don't know James. I didn't receive an instruction booklet on myself either. Perhaps it's time I wrote one.
So that, as they say, was the end of that. No more roses. It felt as though he had taken my heart out of my chest and removed it while I was still alive, and then put it back in upside down, and backwards. I can remember having this huge lump in my throat for days. I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't see him, but I wanted to so badly. I wanted to be right next to him for the rest of my life, but doing so would not be healthy for me. He would continue to get everything he wanted out of our relationship, while I needed more. I needed a boyfriend, something he was not looking for. He wanted a friend, but being just a friend to him meant I had to deny my feelings for him. He would never know how hard this was for me. I couldn't have him they way I wanted, so I didn't want him at all.
Being that we lived in the same city, played in the same band, worked on the same committee and shared many of the same friends, I did not know exactly how we were going to be able to keep this up. We saw each other occasionally and once I even passed him a note at the AIDS Ride meeting because he looked so sad. The note read, "Remember that I love you." And I did, so much. Our original intent with the band was to play out, make money, but our schedules never seemed to click, and no one really seemed to be very interested in actually playing for money. I, for one, was too busy with work and other projects to involve myself with practicing weekly with the intent of playing for money. And with the latest decision to separate ourselves from each other, it was obvious this would not last. After a couple days I received another e-mail from Ken. This time about the band...
i don't know what to tell you about the band James. it just doesn't matter to me anymore. even if i show, i don't think my heart will be in it. i don't know how it possibly could. maybe we need to give the band a break too. all things considered, i wouldn't feel much like singing anyhow this week with this cold still hanging on, my throat feels like i swallowed glass. and next week, i will be back in mexico.
am i out of line telling you all this? can you understand where i'm coming from? i don't want this to hurt for you anymore James, i'm trying the best i know how. it fucking sucks though, i have to tell you. i miss my friend. maybe not the same pain you're feeling, but pain none the less. i'm doing alright though, and you're teaching me something with all of this. growth is rarely comfortable, so i'm just trying to accept it at this point.
i hope you're doing well my friend. i miss you. and if i'm out of line telling you all this, you need to let me know. i don't know what the rules are anymore James, i'm not sure i even care, just so long as it's helping you somehow.
And then, Ken gave me a reason, an actual reason to stop talking to him. He was mean to me. He wanted to know what it would take for us to get back together again. I told him that I wanted to be his boyfriend. That's all it would take. His response came quickly...
James
you need to stop this. now. i don't know how you have conveniently not heard every word i have told you about my situation from day one.
i am in love and in a relationship with daniel. he is my partner. i intend to spend the rest of my life with him if given half a chance to make that happen. that means forsaking all others, including you. i do not care about anyone else's judgements about his character or his behavior or what mistakes he's made, i am in love with him.
you and i will never be partners James. you are not going to convince me to fall in love with you out of pity for your situation. even if you could do that to someone, i don't think it's what you want. you cannot make someone fall in love with you. either they are or they aren't. James, i'm not in love with you.
let this sink in, this is not a soap opera, it's real life. i'm a real person on this end, and i'm asking you respectfully to hear me, before you damage yourself and any chance of you and i even remaining friends.
for my part i know now that i should have never shared as much of myself with you as i did. nobody can change the past. i have no time to wallow in regret, my life is too short and my energy is better spent on shaping my future. so you tell me now, from this one single moment in time, the only moment that matters...
are you going to heal up and grow and stand by me as a friend, where i need for you to be, or have you given me a hopeless ultimatum that you are going to stand upon, stubbornly and miserably, for a matter of symbology and principle that no one in this world is going to care about in another 2 weeks, after you and i have succombed to "the rules" and walked our sepparate ways?
listen to me James. this is real life. there are rarely happy endings, but the endings that are there are your very own choice to write. so choose, and move on. but do move on, one way or the other, because time waits for no one.
My response came just as quickly...
I cannot be with you and just be your friend, not at > this point in my life. > > It's not a matter of healing, and it's not a matter > of me not hearing you. > I'm not broken and I have listened and have heard > you. Everything you have > told me, I have heard. It's a matter of feelings and > how I have fallen for > you so badly that I was willing to hurt myself, lie > to myself in order to be > with you. But I have realized that I cannot do that > to myself anymore, so I > am moving on with the hopes of finding someone who > can love me as much as I > love them. > > I'm sorry you have to lose a friend, but my feelings > for you have not > changed and it would be so easy for me to fall back > into the same place we > were with you being happy - and me left unsatisfied. > > I can't be there for you in your time of need and I > am sorry for that. But I > can't make my desire for you go away. > > Good luck to you. > > I love you.
But our paths crossed several times in the next few days and we were forced upon each other again. He needed something that was left at my house, AIDS Ride meetings, Spanish brochures, SNAP furniture donations. It was impossible for us to go our separate ways.
During our separation, I relied on friends and family to listen to me moan and grown about Ken. Ken this and Ken that, what should I do about Ken? After a few weeks of healing and growing, I had a realization...
I want you to understand exactly where I am right now.
Firstly, I feel great.
I have used these last couple of weeks to grow. My feelings for you run deep mister, and you have taught me at least three good lessons:
#1) Take care of yourself
#2) Take time to heal and use your friends to help you through those rough times
#3) At the end of the day, take a count of your true friends, and treat them respectfully
I have realized that it was more lust, need, infatuation with you than it was love. True love, as it has been explained to me, can only be achieved when the feeling is mutual. So, understanding that has really opened my eyes, and has given it a name, so that I can file it away in the past.
Knowing (thanks to you) that you and I will never be partners may have been hard for me to understand (more importantly, accept) at first, but is now something that I have come to terms with. It will never happen. I understand that now. There's a million fish in the ocean right? I just gotta keep swimming.
You are a good friend, and I would like you to consider me the same until death do us part. I have previously said that I cannot be here for you in your time of need, but with this recent realization, I CAN be here for you. I am certain of that.
This is me, and I am here for you. I have the kid on Saturday, if you're still here, let's go get some ice cream.
I love you!
I had given in. I wanted him to be happy, and he wasn't happy with me out of his life. It felt wrong and right at the same time, if that's even possible. I could not stop seeing him; therefore, I could not get over him and move on. So I gave in. Ken read the e-mail and replied simply...
Love you James. I'm glad we're back to here. I promise to be careful. I think you'll see a few things have changed about me in this much time, but I hope you'll also see that I'm still the same person, and that I will always be your friend, will always respect and cherish all of those things that make you uniquely James, and will always strive to be better to you than I have been in the past.
I'll be talking to you very soon mister. Thank you for giving me another chance.
Things went back to the way they were. I was going over his house; we were going out to dinner. We would meet at Barbara's to party or play cribbage. We worked on graphics for the AIDS Ride together. All was grand, but I was still not getting everything I wanted. We kept talking. We talked and talked and talked about everything. He knew what I wanted, and I knew he couldn't give it to me, so I took whatever he was willing to give. All the while Dani would call him every day. And Ken's voice would jump to a higher octave and he would make kissing noises in the phone that would make my skin crawl. Barbara even noticed the voice pitch change and the kissing noises would gross her out too. These calls were painful reminders that we would never be together as boyfriends. And they reminded me of the mean, honest e-mail that he sent to me telling me we were never going to be together.
We went back to fooling around with each other. He started coming to my family's traditional Sunday night gathering. They fell in love with him immediately. We even made plans to go to the cabin for the annual summer music festival in July. We would go everywhere we could together, or more frequently, as a trio with Barbara. And then in May, he got his pink slip from AT&T. He had been laid off and had a week to clean out his desk. He said it was the kick in the ass he had been waiting for, and he began making plans to move to San Diego. Ken was always talking about someday getting out of this wicked little town. It was his dream to go to San Diego. He had lived here for 30 years, he'd tell people.
It was in May, after I found out he was laid off that I offered him a place to stay for as long as he wanted.
July 1 2003, Ken moves in with me. It was so easy, So much easier than moving Barbara to Salt Lake just a month ago. Funny story there, remind me to tell it to you sometime. The story starts, "This was the night I almost lost the two most important people in my life..." Anyway, Ken moves in, but decides to spend 2 entire weeks in Mexico with Dani. It breaks my heart when I remember how much Ken thought about and loved this man as much as he did, after Dani cheated and lied to him so blatantly, and after I treated him with respect and gave him as much love as I could muster and showed him how love was supposed to work. He still held on to the belief that he and Dani were destined to be together forever.
The summer was amazing. We had another AIDS Ride. This time, we slept together and had some serious good times in the cabin alone, together. We went for long rides on my motorcycle. The longer they were, the happier I was. Having someone ride with you is one thing, but having someone sit so close to you that it feels like one person on the bike is another. He would hold me so tightly and ride so smoothly that I felt like I was in heaven. He would put his hands in my pockets, rub my back, and even in my pants. It was so exciting to lean back a little and feel him hard against my back. I long for those rides again. Rides I wished would never end.
I began going to his parent's home. I met his family, we got along great, I met more of his friends, and they loved me. Soon it seemed we were inseparable. We went everywhere together, we wore each other's clothes, we slept together, he cooked me breakfast, I cooked him dinner, I will never forget the summer of 2003, it was the happiest I have ever been, and he later told me that it was the best few months he has ever had, and that the time he spent with me changed him forever. He didn't have to tell me that. I could sense that he was a changed man. He was happier.
In early September, I made a trip back home to New Hampshire. I wanted him to come along, but he didn't feel like he would be welcome there. All my friends and family knew Ken at this point, and most of them knew he was leaving. But they couldn't figure out why he would want to move away from me and his family, they didn't buy the whole "I've been here 30 years" thing. They thought he was taking advantage of my hospitality and my love. I knew I couldn't have him whole, but I didn't want to lose all of him. So I continued to love him as often and as best as I could. Anyway, he couldn't face my family because I think he felt ashamed. He called me almost every day, and for the first time ever, he said "I love you" first. That really stuck to me. I remember exactly where I was when he told me that, and I was speechless for a moment before replying, "I love you too kid."
And then he went to San Diego to visit and to find out if it was really the place for him. We'll, he loved it. He said he went out there knowing one person, and came back with thirty new friends. He called me almost every day. And he told me about the sex he was having, and the parties he was going to, the bars he was visiting, the contests he was winning and how much he wished I could have been there with him. I missed him. He missed me...
Jimmy,
Hey you... miss you too, lots. Got out this morning and walked like a half mile down to the nearest quickie mart out here... Sally lives out in the mountains and it's gorgeous, but pretty sparse... anyhow, cell service is crappy so I walked to use a pay phone to call, but missed you. Did talk to DA for a bit though.
It's really nice out here, but it's not paradise kid. I'm taking as critical an eye I can while out here, that is the complete purpose of the visit. I can't deny it's beautiful, but it's also pretty damn expensive. The more I see, the more I wonder if I could make it out here with a career in anything but tech. I've got a lot of thinking to do. It's a gorgeous place, with gorgeous people, but is it worth taking a job that makes me miserable to afford it?
The men out here are unbelievable. I always thought queer as folk was a joke, not real life. Well, it is.
The clubs are shirtless writhing hardbodies... all of them. The only place I've seen ugly guys so far was the nude beach. There was one out there though... I so wanted to take a photo for you kid. My god and baby jesus... okay, marine, most definitely, 'bout my brother's size, but 8 inches wider around every muscle, blonder than blonde hair, eyebrows, fuzz and... well yeah, the rest was right there for the viewing too. Yum! He was all smiley and nodding me over, but like I told you, this is a working vacation!
Anyhow, the flip side of all that is the men are nice, but I'm already feeling a little out of my league. You get come on to left and right, but not for the right reasons. So I'm being wary. Guys seem real kind, and I haven't had to buy a meal or a drink yet, but something isn't quite right, they're not quite real. A lot like Tom, like everything they give has some expectation of getting something in return.
Sally's brother Duane and his partner Joe are the best though. I've been hanging out with them while Sally is working, and they are really, really good guys. 8 year relationship, had to survive the distance thing a while when one was 2 years in Seattle.
Anyhow, blah, we'll have a lot to talk about when I get home. The climate and highways and city and beaches and parks... absolutely gorgeous, and the weather is perfect. Anyhow, I guess I came to visit for just this, to see it all as it is and try to make a choice. The good news is, I've spent only $30 since I got here, and I'll be in San Francisco with Barbara in a matter of days. I can't wait to see her again.
And then there's the point in fact that I'm missing the SHIT out of you. Sounds from DA like you're a little down. Hang in there, I'm going to be home soon kid. And I'll keep trying to call. Need to hear your voice.
Hug Yoshi for me if she'll let you (RRREEEEEE REEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIRRRR!!!!) and give Butch a pet. I'll talk to you soon mister.
And then one more e-mail from Ken before he left for home...
I miss you Jimmy, and I'm at a loss for words I guess. I find myself feeling guilty for being happy out here, and at times even guilty for pursuing what makes me happy when I know it stands to pull me apart from the ones I love. The more time I spend with you, the more difficult that gets. You're easy to get attached to James, and one of the closest friends I have ever had. You know more about me than a lot of people ever have or will, more probably than even my own partner.
Being out here is good, but it doesn't come without a sobering realization that this isn't just one of my many pipedreams this time. It's really time to change something.
I miss you kid, and I think I'm going to continue missing you the whole time out here. And I can't deny how comfortable it will feel to be back there with you after this 10 days has finally passed. It's going to hurt me, more than I've probably let on or said up till now. It's the best I know how to do though, and feels like the right thing for me to be doing at the moment... looking to get out of Reno.
I don't know, I'm not going to go on and on about it in an email. I do like it an awful lot out here. If you were to see it, I think you'd understand why. I wish you were out here with me.
Miss you James. This isn't going to be easy I don't think, one way or the other.
I'll give you a call in a bit, we're about to leave Ramona and go into town where I get reception on the cell. Hang in there, and you stay in that room as long as you want or need. You'll probably be staying there after I get back too, I would imagine.
Love you, The Kid
He came back and began making serious plans to move. I found out when he returned that he and Dani had had a fight. Dani, so it would seem, was not too excited about moving to Tijuana, located on the other side of the border from San Diego. Ken's original plan was to move to San Diego where he and Dani could be closer. But now, that had changed. Ken told me he was now moving to San Diego for himself and himself alone. If Dani wanted to move, that was up to him, but he would have to do it on his own. Dani would have to make the effort on his own.
We went to a party where we ended up taking a couple guys back to my place. We intended to all be together, a four-way. But ended up he took one, and I took the other. The whole time I was with this man I was thinking about what the other guy was doing to Ken. Was he hurting him? Was he in danger? Was he being safe? We talked about it the next day and decided not to do anything like that again.
Late September and October went by so quickly. The weather began to turn colder, the days got shorter, and our love for each other grew. Everywhere we went, we went together. People would ask us both separately if we were seeing each other. Ken would always reply with his boyfriend in Mexico story, and I would always say we were friends, even though I wanted so badly to be much more than that. All this time he did everything he could to keep me happy. He'd cook, he'd clean, and he'd wash the car. He'd buy groceries, he'd go to family night with me, and we'd have sex when I would come home for lunch. I was happy and did not want him to go, but knew that he would be leaving Nevada, me and his family all to soon for California.
All this time, I'm seeing him change and grow and become this happy person who only just resembled the Ken I knew only a few months back. He was free from his job that he hated so much, we were living good on almost nothing, he later told me that he never knew how good he'd had it while he was with me. It was good times. I joked that even though we were poor, we were happy, we must have been doing something right. He agreed.
Ken booked the moving truck and it became clear that he was really leaving. It wasn't until then did I realize that Ken wouldn't be happy unless he gave this a try, and that's all I wanted for him, to be happy. I finally understood why he was doing it, and I was finally able to let him do his thing. He told me he would go and try it out, and if it didn't work out, he'd come back to me. But I knew he wouldn't be back. Ken was the kind of person who would do anything to make his dream work; he would shovel shit if that was what he had to do to make it work. And I knew that once he was gone things between us would never be the same.
While visiting his family on one of his last nights here he told me that he didn't look forward to telling his grandmother that he was leaving. When I asked why he responded, "Because I'd have to tell her that I was gay." This made me very sad, because over and over, I made him promise that he was going to move to San Diego for him, and not for Dani. He had just told me the opposite. I drove home very quiet, and he knew I was hurting. The ball in my throat was back, and there it stayed until the day he left me. He told me later that week that he had decided to move to Tijuana, where the rent would be cheaper. I'm sure he noticed the tears in my eyes that night.
I helped pack the truck as much as I could, but I couldn't help drive him there because I knew he was going to Dani. He said he would call, I told him never to forget me, and at 5:15 on the morning of Wednesday October 12, I waved goodbye to Ken. I never cried so hard as when the truck pulled away from the curb.
He called from the road to check in with me, and he called when he got to San Diego to tell me how much he missed me. It was harder there than he thought it would be. He told me he was silly to think he could just go out with no car and no job and no place to live and everything would just fall into place. "I didn't know it was going to be this hard. I didn't know I would miss you and my family this much." He and Dani had moved in together, using a room at a friend's house until they found something of their own. The thirty new friends he had made while there just a couple months back had turned into thirty superficial friends. He was having to do everything on his own. Only a few of those "friends" were actually there for him.
The thought of Ken sleeping with Dani drove me crazy. I wondered what they did to each other. I wondered how Dani touched him and I was reminded that they were together every time he called or e-mailed me. I was reminded that Ken was not happy there, not yet anyway. I was reminded that he left me alone to be with someone who hurt him. I was reminded that I was not good enough to keep him here by my side. I blamed myself for doing something wrong. I wanted to move on with my life, like Ken had done with his, but he wouldn't let me. The phone calls came every two or three hours. I couldn't move on. So I asked him to stop calling me, to stop contacting me, so that I may have a chance to move on...
This is stuff I'm too afraid to tell you over the phone, so be ready.
I hate being here where I am right now, emotionally.
I want to be happy for you that you are with the person you love, in the place that you love. I should be happy that you are there, but I am pissed at you for leaving. No matter how much I tell myself that this is something you had to do, and that it's best for you, I am still out here ready to give everything I have to be with you. I would drop everything if you would just say "let's do this the right way." Keep that in mind during this e-mail.
So when you call every day and I hear that you think about me 30 times a day it makes it hard to move on with my life without you here by my side. Same old story, you want to be friends - I want to be your partner. It feels like I'm being dragged around by you and pulled out of your pocket whenever you need me. And I want to be the person who would be OK with that, OK with supporting you and being there whenever you need me (like a real friend), but it hurts that you left me here for a dream and for Dani.
I am so torn Ken, I want to protect as much as I want to be with you for the rest of my life, which is why I can't tell you this stuff to your face. Dammit, I hate you for leaving kid, but it's givin me some space and time to really think about my life and what's best for me. If you can't commit to anything other than what we have now than you're gonna have to stop calling me. If you really do love me as much as you say, then you'll understand why I'm asking this and will honor my request.
I can't keep this up anymore, the thought of you and Dani happy in California drives me fucking crazy! I keep wondering why I'm number two behind someone that hurt you as much as he has.
Imagine how I feel when people come up to me and ask "what happened" when they find out your gone. I tell them you went away to get the hell out of this city. When they ask where I say Tiajuana, and they say, "Isn't that Dani guy in Mexico", and I say "Yes, but it's cheaper to live there than in California". It sounds like I'm lying to them.
As you can see I'm not doing so good. You are constantly on my mind, absolutely every minute of the day. I keep thinking about your safety and what I could be doing to help. I'm thinking about what you and Dani must be like together, what he does to you, and what you do to him. I think about what we would be like together, and where we'd be if I were with you as a partner. I think what would happen if you were to move back here.The question: Would I take you in? The answer: Not if you were still with him. I'm going crazy.
I understand that the best thing for me right now is not the best thing for you. And I'm sorry I can't be the support you need right now. Dani is there for you, and your new friends in CA, and your family. That's more than I had when I moved here. My family in NH wasn't even talking to me when I left, I had my aunt.
I hate to press the send button right now, but this is something I have to do. Now that you're so far away, it will be easier for us to stay apart. And please don't send me another e-mail like the last time I wanted to try to protect myself from pain. You said I was trying to "guilt" you into being a partner with me. Save it kid, I just don't want to hurt any more.
My heart just can't take it anymore.
I truly love you, my first real love,
James
It took him one full day to respond...
Don't even know how to start this Jimmy... There are plenty of things I'd like to say, to try to explain, but I'm not going to. Not the time for it, and I think it might be futile at this point anyhow. I guess I let an awfully big mess pile up while I was back there. I was aware of the potential for that happening, I did what I did anyhow. A lot of people will look at it and call me selfish, hypocritical, insensitive, abusive. A lot of people will hate me because of it.
I have my own ideas about what happened. I regret nothing. If I had Jimmy, I would've never taken you up on the offer to move in back in June. I still look back on it and see that it was exactly what I needed, and that they were some of the best few months of my life.
I understand what you're saying Jimmy, and what you're asking for. I will respect it, and shut my mouth. There's nothing more for me to say that will ever make it better, and me telling you how it makes me feel, or anyone else who has made up their mind to hate me out there... well, it's futile, it solves nothing. Everyone has already taken their critical view of things, weighed out who is "good" and who is "bad", and decided without ever even knowing or having a right to judge. I'm sorry they keep coming to you for the gossip Jimmy, I frankly don't think that it's anyone else's business. But that's human behavior, and their gonna ask, and their gonna judge. One of us has got to be the good guy and one of us the bad guy.
As for how you feel about things yourself, you have a right to feel how you do. I'm not ever going to refute it. It does me no good to tell you how it affects me, or how I feel. How I feel is my own problem to deal with. I don't want to lean on someone else for support anymore. I'll find my way.
I'm going to stop writing and calling for a while Jimmy, because it sounds like that's what you're asking me to do. I'm not going to tell you how that makes me feel. I think it's for the better that way. All that I will tell you is that I'm not angry.
Take care kid. I'll be here when you're ready to talk again, if that time ever comes round. It's my fault that you're hurting Jimmy, I take full responsibility for it, right or wrong, it is simply what "is". I'm truly sorry I've made you suffer, and continue to. I know that it will cost me.
I'll stay away, you're right by saying it's better for you if I do. Tell the people who ask that I left you to be with my ex. It will be easier that way, and I don't care anymore what people think of me. I at least know within myself why things happened like they did. I may not be completely at peace with it, but it's the past now. I continue to learn things from it, but can never change it. It has brought me to the very present moment.
Take care Jimmy... you won't hear those familiar three words at the end of this email, but I think that if you ever need it, and concentrate hard enough, you'll find it won't be too hard to read my mind and find them there.
Bye kiddo.
Ken
So - here I sit in front of my computer just two weeks after he left, and I feel like half of a person. The things we used to do together I try to do alone, but it's not the same. The house feels sad, cold and empty without him there. I find little things throughout the house that remind me of Ken. Did he purposely leave his back brush in the shower for me to see every day? Will I ever throw out his toothbrush that still sits in the holder? I am strong, or so I've been told, but sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and call him. I just want to give up, like I did before and say, "OK, you can have as much of me as you want, but I'll only expect some from you." It tears me up when I think of him, but I think it's getting better. People have stopped asking me about him. I dread the day that I hear from his mother. What will I tell her? That day will come, and I feel like if I have come this far, I will get through that conversation just fine.
It doesn't matter to me why he left me and his family anymore, I just hope that he has found happiness. I will never forget that man and the way his lips would form that funny crooked smile. And I will never stop loving him.
James