DISCLAIMER: this story is based on the actual events of my life, with a little over dramatization at places. Similarity to other peoples' lives is coincidental and unintentional.
RATING: PG
I am not into writing adult stuff. However if the thought of a m/m relationship bothers you, then please do not read further.
PAIRING: m/m
SECTION: Adult Friends
FEEDBACK: please write to me, and tell me whether you liked it. This is my first effort so do not be very harsh. Feedback to mikethomas2000@lycos.com
THE SUM OF US BOTH
His name was Craig. Craig Thomas. I don't even know how we got to be friends. Both of us were as different as the north and the south pole. He was so much more energetic, brash, boorish even, always laughing, never sticking too long with one group of people. He loved physical activities so much so, that even when he was sitting or talking, he couldn't stay still for very long. On the other hand, I was so much more shy, reserved, more interested in books and happy to be with my own circle of friends. To me he was just one of the happening guys on college campus, and probably to him, I was non-existent. Well, we did exchange the occasional hi's and bye's while passing each other in the corridors, but that was about it. Never had I imagined, that one day, this man would so change the course of my life.
It was a day like any other. Our semester exams had just gotten over. While passing through the corridor from one class to another, I saw Craig storm out of the principal's office. I muttered the usual Hi Craig, but he seemed in no mood to answer. I shrugged and did not even think much of the incident all day. Later that day, after classes I headed with a couple of books to the south end of the campus. There was this big oak tree, which was absolutely secluded and deserted. It was always very pleasant out there, and this place had been my own secret hideout for the last two years. I had accidentally found the place in my freshman year. How, I had stumbled upon it, is not of importance here. Or even if it is, I am not in the good humor to divulge that information now. Well coming back to the point, as I approached this tree that afternoon, I heard something like muffled sobs. That's strange, I said to myself. Never before in two years, had I seen a soul by the tree, other than me. I thought of just going away, but my curiosity got the better of me. Well, what the hell, I said to myself, as I quietly peeped from behind the tree to see who was there.
I could see someone with his head buried in his knees, crying. I was absolutely speechless. For all of my two years of learning public relations and communication, all that escaped my mouth was - hi. The person looked up at me and I don't know who was more surprised, he or me. He, because, he probably hadn't expected to see any one there, and me because he was the last person, I had expected to be there. Sitting there, tears streaming down his face was Craig. Superjock Craig Thomas, and crying? Oh my God. My first impulse was to just run away from there. But then I saw his face. He looked like he so needed to talk to someone. I couldn't just walk out on him. I sighed and I sat down beside him. After hesitating for a while I put my arm around his shoulders. I don't know, for how long we sat there not saying a single word, but it seemed to do the trick. After a while, he quitened down and just sat there calmly holding on to my hand.
When I thought he had recovered enough to talk about it, I said to him, "Come on, let's go get something to eat."
We walked without a word to an Italian restaurant near college and sat down at a secluded table. After I ordered for the both of us, I asked him, "What's wrong?"
And that was all it took for the words to come pouring out of him.
"It's just not fair. It just isn't.", he kept on saying.
It seems that he had gotten very less marks in the semester, and the principal was thinking of informing his parents. That day, the principal had called him to his office, and lectured him left and right for his bad performance. The principal said that he had performed so poorly owing to his constant company of hooligans and lack of commitment. He had said, that it was inconsiderate on Craig's part, to waste his parents' money on such tomfoolery rather than study.
"How can he say that", Craig kept on asking.
"I know that I have done miserably, but how can he just question my commitment. What does he know about me? He could have told me to improve on my scores, but how can he just judge me like that without giving me another chance?".
That was the beginning of my friendship with Craig. I really don't know how long we talked that night, but it was as if I had known him forever. He told me about his parents, and what a tough time they had putting him through college. He told me what a wimp he thought I was, and that I needed to get out more and mix with other people.
"All your books and stuff is fine", he said to me.
"But it is people you have got to live with. You cannot share your feelings with books. You cannot tell them your secrets. Well sure they can make you laugh or cry. But can they laugh and cry with you? ".
Wow. For someone who thought that life revolved around baseball and boxing, he could be pretty philosophical.
I told him how he needed to change his attitude towards studying. I even offered to help him with his studies. You know, I told him, I used to think that you are all shit. Going around pretending to be all important, with those groupies hanging all around you. You know, Principal Turner was right about one thing. If there is any chance of you improving your grades, then you are going to have to spend as little time as possible with those cronies of yours. He laughed as I told him, what a show-off I thought he was.
And before either of us knew it, the waiter told us that it was time to shut the place down. Wow, I never knew time could fly so fast.
Before we parted, he took my hand in his hand, and said, "Thanks".
"For what?", I asked him.
For just being there, he said as he walked off.
That night, as I lay in my bed, I tried analyzing the situation the best I could. This has always been the biggest problem with me. I try to make sense of each ad every small event that occurs in my life. Anyway, as I tried to figure out the events of the evening, Craig's face kept coming in front of my eyes. What was it about him? Why had we hit it off so well? I had never spoken so much to anyone in my life, and here I was talking for hours to a person who was practically a stranger to me. Well Mike, one thing is sure. It was fun as hell. I drifted off to sleep, glad that I had made a new friend.
Next day in college, I boldly approached him. He was standing with his groupies as usual. As I got closer, I heard him say something to them, and all of them started snickering, pointing in my direction. I walked up to him, and with what I thought was my best smile, I said, "Hi".
The next instant his entire group was in splits, as if hi was the funniest word anyone had ever said. I stood there like a fool, waiting for him to say something, but he barely took notice of me. It was almost as if I did not exist. I had never felt so humiliated in my whole life. I turned away and ran away from there as quick as I could. I was seething from inside. What the hell was this? it was not as if I had begged to be his friend or something. Why was he treating me this way? Was he ashamed of calling me his friend? I didn't know what to think. Was it something I did or said? a hundred questions kept popping in my mind, out of which I knew the answer to none. That whole day, it was as if I was walking around in a haze. I barely heard anything that was said in any of the classes.
During lunch break, my friends surrounded me and asked, "What's wrong? We have been watching you all day. You have been acting real weird man. Any problem?". I sighed as I started to relate to them the events of the previous day and this morning. At least they would understand. But the reaction I got out of them was no better.
Get out of here. You and Craig? All evening in a restaurant? No way man. You must have completely lost it. Man you sure do know how to fib.
This was just great. After all the humiliation that I had been subjected to this morning, now my friends wouldn't believe me either. What else could I ask for?
It had been the perfect day. I was in a real bad mood. That night, I was siting all alone in my apartment. I wasn't even in the mood to read something. The television too was throwing some crap at me. I was as depressed as I could be. When I thought that things couldn't get any worse, the damned phone started ringing. Why was this phone ringing so loudly today? I threw a pillow at it, but the thing would not stop. Reluctantly I made my way to the phone and answered it in almost a growl.
Hello. Who the hell------
Even before I could complete my round of obscenities, a voice answered from the other end- hey Matt, what are you doing tonight? Nothing I hope. I was just wondering whether I could come over to study geometry with you. So, are you busy or what?
Huh? Was all I could say. "Oh no. I am free tonight".
"Great I'll be over in 30 minutes. See you then. Oh and by the way, I'll get a pizza on my way over.".
That was it. Even before I could say anything, he was gone. Now what the hell is this Mike Thomas? What have you gotten yourself into?
One thing I must hand to Craig. He was very particular about the time. Because in no more and no less than 30 minutes he was standing at my door wearing his best smile. Hi I said awkwardly.
He did not need to be told to make himself comfortable, as he crashed into the sofa.
"Neat place", he said.
yeah sure and how about an apology for treating me like dirt? I grumbled in my mind.
He was really acting strange, this Craig.
It was almost as if this morning I had met Mr. Hyde and this person grinning at me right now was Mr. Jekyll. He showed absolutely no remembrance of the way he had acted that morning. He was chattering away about some movie he had just seen.
I tried to be as formal as possible, in my tone, saying, "Okay, lets get to geometry."
But one look from those doe brown eyes, and I had melted. There was something so endearing about those eyes, something that said I am sorry for the way I behaved, that I could no longer be angry with him.
Why Craig, I wanted to ask him. Why did you treat me this way? But the warm smile that he was giving his entire appearance and me was so ... I don't know, assuring that nothing was needed to be said.
It was almost as if a silent message had passed between us saying that all was understood.
Poor Euclid must have tossed and turned in his grave that night, as geometry was completely forgotten over large slices of pepperoni pizza. And yet again, we talked, and talked late into the night. We talked about Hitler, and mel gibson and the autumn leaves, and shooting stars, and bill clinton. Around two or three in the morning, we finally decided to call it a day. I showed Craig the guest room, and wished him goodnight. Sweet dreams he said to me. I don't dream, I told him. That's not possible now is it?
Everyone dreams. In fact you can decide about what you want to dream.
"what do you dream about?", I asked him.
Oh I dream that...
What?
Nothing, you will laugh at me.
No come on tell me.
I dream of a free space covered with grass, no obstacles, no boundaries as far as I can see. And I am riding a horse. Going as fast as I can. Feeling the wind blow in my face. Engaged in my own personal race against time...
And before I could even respond, he had fallen asleep.
And that is how it was. I tried to make sense of it but really could not. From then on, Craig absolutely refused to acknowledge me in public. But otherwise after college, he used to hang out me, study with me and generally do a lot of fun stuff. And of course, we did have loads of common interests. Nature, travelling, movies to mention a few. We started spending more and more time together. By now I had come to accept Craig's absolute denial of my existence in front of friends. I had tried asking him about it a couple of times, but he just mumbled something and shrugged it off. I assumed that he did not want to be known around campus as the best friend of super wimp Mike Thomas. After all, the super jock in him did have a reputation to live up to. Those times that we spent together were some of the best that I remember. We did not even have to talk all the time. There was this companionable silence between us that felt so comfortable at times. But then, being around Craig could be tiring at times. He was this bundle of energy waiting to explode. Always running around, fidgeting, punching people...
But then the thing I liked best about Craig was that he was very physical in showing his affection. Unlike other macho guys who think it is "feminine" to touch other guys, Craig was always hugging, holding hands, putting his hand round your shoulder, ruffling through your hair...
I had even teased him about it once-
"don't you think it is a very girly thing to do?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Don't you mind?"
"naw..."
And that had been the end of that. Well, that was Craig for you.
I think now is good a time as any to tell you about Anne Duran or as I called her, the bitch. Well to be more specific, she was Craig's supposed girlfriend. And boy! Did she flaunt it in everyone's face. I do agree that she was ... pretty to say the least. And very popular around campus too. But for some reason, I could never bring myself to like her. It might be because of the fact that somewhere deep down, I was jealous of her because she got to spend all the time with Craig in front of all other people, whereas I had to wait for him to spend time with me behind peoples' backs. Like I was was some mistress and she the lawfully wedded wife. But even apart from the fact that I was (maybe) jealous of her and she clung on to Craig as if the end of the world was near, there was something about her that just bothered me. Well for all practical purposes, she was blissfully unaware of my existence, but that did not stop me from hating her. It was as if the vibes between the two of us were just not right. The contemptuous look that I always saw on her face, the shrill lifeless laughter that irritated me, and the condescending attitude towards people not as blessed as her in the looks department made me hate her all the more. but to Craig, she was a goddess. All the time it was Anne this and Anne that. I tried saying something to him about her, but he was just too protective of her. Well, I figured out that I was not the one who had to deal with her. As long as Craig got what he wanted, I was in no place to complain.
I am not very good with time frames, but I think that it must have been about four to five months since Craig and I had become friends. We had settled into a steady routine of meeting at his place or mine on alternate days, and studying together, or going to movies, or cooking on weekends. Then one weekend Craig said that he had to go visit his parents. He was looking forward to the visit, because since we had started studying together, his grades had been steadily improving. It seems that he was really intent to show his improved grades to his parents. With a tight hug, and a weird sense of having lost something I said goodbye to him. "Take care wimp", he said before leaving. I really did not know how I was going to get through those 2 days. But what important 2 days they turned out to be. That weekend was one of the worst and the best in my life. Worst, because, I was absolutely miserable because of Craig not being there with me. And the best because, it helped me to realise something. For the first time I realized that Craig had become a necessity for me. It was almost as if my life felt lost and off track without him. I remembered this show called Due South that I used to watch on television. In this show, one character says to another- together we are complete like two pieces of the weird puzzle called life. Apart, we are lost, imperfect. I was feeling the exact same thing about Craig. I lay in my bed that night thinking about him. Laughing at all the silly things that he did, the funny stuff he said. I played the occasions over and over in my mind when Craig had hugged me, or just held my hand. I imagined his rugged good looks, his brilliant smile, his scent. Was this what they call love?
Love? No way! How could it be possible? I mean hadn't I always had fantasies about Brooke Shields? Then how did Craig fit into the picture? I dismissed the thought several times from my head saying that I was just missing my best friend, and making a mountain out of a molehill. But then why could I not sleep the whole night? Why was I thinking about his strong arms and how good it felt to be held by them? I never thought that I would fall in love with a guy. How was he going to deal with this? More importantly, how was I going to tackle the issue? Would people accept me? Would Craig understand? Or would he hate me? There was no scope that I was taking the chance to find out, because who could be more " straight " than superjock Craig Thomas? But then a couple of days ago, I had imagined my self too to be as straight as they come. Oh God, this was going to be pure torture, to be so close to him, and yet hide my feelings. To act normal each time he touched me. To control the urge to reach out and ruffle his hair. If only there was an easy way out of this...
The whole weekend passed away in a haze. The questions dancing around in my head would not let me be at peace. I don't know what I dreaded more. Craig's arrival, because I did not know how to face him, or his not being there to understand what I was going through. Craig returned directly to my apartment from the trip. He rushed to greet me, and hugged me fiercely.
"I have missed you so much wimp", he said.
I wanted to say the same thing, but I was afraid that I would blurt out the wrong thing. So I stayed silent. I tried to get free from his hold, but he held on fiercely. I tried not to sigh as I took in his musky scent. This was going to be pure torture, to be so close to him, and yet have to be so careful around him. I can't much remember of the days that passed. But every time, he touched me, a tingle would run down my spine. Every time, he laughed, it caused me to wince inside. The ironic thing was that he was blissfully ignorant to what I was going through. To him, life was just normal.
The days were still bearable but the nights were terrible. Lying awake in bed all night, I would be engulfed by his thoughts. Still, it was weird that none of the fantasies were remotely erotic in nature. I would just imagine, us walking down the beach at night hand in hand. Or maybe sitting below a tree in autumn with the leaves falling in a silent dance around us. At times I would just think of his hands. Those large secure safe and caring hands. Rough from hard work, but sincere in their effort. The weird way in which his mouth tilted when he smiled. He- Craig. Wake up Mike. The universe does not centre around him. There are other things to be done. And what even if you do love him. The question is does he love you? Do you have the guts to tell him that you love him? Will you risk losing his friendship? No. god. Someone please stop these questions from popping into my head.
And so life continued, at an excruciating pace if you ask me. I got up each day, went to college, kept up my grades at a respectable level, studied with Craig, had dinner with him, said all the right things, laughed at all of his jokes. But inside...
Inside I was burning. Aching to let go of my control and just hold on to him as fiercely as I could. Needless to say that seeing him with Anne was like salt on my wounds. She could walk with him around college campus and I couldn't. she could whisper into his ears and giggle about nothing in particular whereas I couldn't. Well, it was not like he did not spend any time with me at all. During that time, we went on this camping trip, which according to me was a very bad idea. Because it was as cold as shit out in the woods and Craig slept tightly huddled to me that night. No need to mention that only one of us slept that night. I had started noticing vague things about him. Things that never before had come to my mind. Things like his intoxicating musky scent, his extremely well toned body with hair in the right places and a few other things that decency permits me from putting down on paper.
All this while I could not help wondering what exactly Craig saw in me. Why did he hang out with me? Why did he keep coming back? I was definitely not the best company to keep, or else he would not have been my one and only friend. And as they say, an idle mind is the devil's workshop. From these little harmless things I moved on to- was that more than a friendly pat on the back? Did his hand linger just a little longer? Did I catch him looking at me? And one day while we were watching a tape of Pretty Woman, things reached their acme. We were sitting on the floor, he reclining against the couch, with me resting against him, my back to his front, his hands holding mine. During a particularly sappy scene in the movie, he just held me tighter and ... I don't know. Something inside me just broke and made me want to sob. I assured myself that the way Craig was behaving was definitely more than friendship and decided to be bold for once in my life. Well I had always prided myself at being pretty good with words, so I decided to write him a letter. It was definitely not as easy as I thought it would be. I mean, how does one put down one's entire heart in black and white? How the hell does a person write a letter that will definitely affect his entire life? Well, apart from the heaps of waste paper that I sent for recycling that night, this is what the final draft of the letter looked like.
Dear Craig,
Before you read any further, please forgive me for being selfish and weak. I should not have told you what I am going to say next, but I have reached a stage where it can no longer stay within me. And then it was you who told me that there should be no secrets between friends. So I am about to implement it.
One of the best parts of my life has been to become your friend. If you consider me as your friend, that is. I don't know how , but before I knew it, you were a part of my life. Do you know what that means? "part of my life." How does a person you met only yesterday become so important to you that you feel your life is incomplete without him? Frankly, I don't know. What is it exactly that makes two people click, makes them want to be with each other, I don't know. Maybe a couple of years ago, I would even have thought it to be "romantic crap " out of a Mills and Boon novel. But somehow, today, I know it is true- from experience. I know this must not be making any sense to you, but bear with me for a few more minutes.
Well Craig, you were always more than a friend to me. A mate, a confidante, someone I could trust and look up to. You remind me so much of all the things that I am not, but always wanted to be. Maybe it was out of this that at some stage I started idolizing you. And before I knew it, there was something different. I started missing you. I began wishing that you were there all the time. It was almost as if you had become a necessity for me. I realized this even more when you went away for the week. I thought and pondered and tried a lot to give what I was feeling some name. And the best I could come up with was- love.
I can already see you flaring up. In other situations, I would have told you to stay calm. But in this case, I think that your getting angry is justified. If you think I am out of my mind, then maybe I am. I know that you don't particularly appreciate this degree of honesty from me. But trust me, Craig, I really tried to fight it, to disown it. But every time I did so, the feeling of missing you and the need to be held by you came back fiercely. I don't know how you will react to this. you may not even want to be friends with me. Maybe that is not such a bad idea after all. How can I pretend to be just a friend, when all that I want to do is to hold you tightly and...
If anything know one thing. I do care for you. Take care and be good. See even here, I can't stop advising you. The optimist in me says that everything will work out for the best. Let us see if he is proven right.
Love (?)
Wimp.
Before I changed my mind, I rushed over to his place, knowing that he would not be there, left the letter in a place where he could not miss it and came back to my apartment. If anyone knew the meaning of the word anticipation, it must be me, because all I did for the next few hours was to sit next to the telephone with my fingers crossed. Finally I heard a ring. However it was the doorbell. Nervously I opened the door, and before I could even get a word out of my mouth, I was hit in the face. For a moment, things were moving in circles around me. As I started coming back to my senses, the situation dawned upon me. Boy! Things were definitely not going as I had hoped. I could see Craig pacing around the room muttering to himself.
"Craig..."
"How could you? And I thought that you were my friend".
"But I am Craig, I am. We can still be friends. Can't we?"
"Yeah like hell we can. I mean everytime I look at you, I am going to be thinking of... ewwww!"
I tried talking to him, but he was just not in the mood to listen.
I told him that I was tired of lying to him and myself, and if that meant compromising on his friendship, then so be it.
And then he said something that really made me lose it.
"I thought you were my friend. But all this time you were lying to me. Jeez Mike, you bloody took advantage of me. All of this was just to get close to me. And to think that I almost thought you were my friend."
I plead temporary insanity for the next 5 minutes, but never in my life had I gotten so angry. Was I so wrong in telling him how I felt? After all that's what friends are for, aren't they? Couldn't he understand the torment that I had gone through? Did he not know how hard this was for me? All of a sudden to confess that you might have feelings for another man. And what was that constant hugging, holding hands thing? I may not be an expert at love and relationships, but the way he held me was definitely not your everyday platonic stuff. And what if he did not love me. We were and always would be friends. Couldn't he just be there for me? God knows that he had cried on my shoulder ample of times. And now of all things, he was accusing me of not being a true friend? Hell what the hell did he know of friendship at all? Friends don't feel awkward to acknowledge you in front of others. Friends don't feel embarrassed because you might not live up to their standards of do's and don'ts. He was the one who was ashamed of even calling me a friend in public, and here he was standing telling me what a bad and selfish friend I was?
All these thoughts and many more were running wild in my mind. I threw whatever came in my hands at him, started yelling at him and swearing in all the languages I know. Hell, I am even sure that invented a few obscenities of my own that night. I did not want to know him. I did not care about him anymore. In a fit of pure rage I pushed him out of the house and slammed the door on him. And then I collapsed and cried. Yes, I cried. Cried like a baby for hours and rocked myself to sleep. He haunted my dreams too. He was there wearing his killer smile with arms widespread inviting me. I wanted the dreams to go away because I knew that reality was no where near them. I twisted and turned in my sleep hoping to forget all that had happened. Hoping for the darkness to engulf me and cure all that was wrong.
Every new day is the first day of the rest of your life, they say. I know, I know, people quote Shakespeare and I am using movie dialogues. An old habit you see! Anyway, with great difficulty I managed to keep my mind clear from all the thoughts that were threatening to run through it, and made my way to college. And was I in for a surprise. I had thought that going to college would not be much different, because as it is, Craig had been ignoring me in college all these days, and so I did not have to act any different. Also I was feeling a bit ashamed for the way I acted last night, so the last thing I wanted was a confrontation with him. But the moment I saw him on campus, I missed a beat. He was looking perfectly normal, just as usual, whereas I was in this complete mess. He did not even bother to look my way, and I did the same. In the beginning it was weird seeing him surrounded by all his friends having fun, whereas I was in pain, but then gradually I got used to it. Life started assuming a new routine- one without Craig in it. College, library and home. If bored, grab a hotdog on the street. Sleep fitfully at night with dreams that you want to chase out of your mind. Yes. Life was finally deciding to return to normal.
I don't remember the day it happened. I was going from one class to another with a group of friends, when I heard someone yell at me from behind. "Hey fag! How are you doing little fairy? Need some help with those heavy books you are carrying?". Face turning red with both shame and anger, I looked behind. Standing there with a cheap smirk on his face was Craig. My Craig with a couple of his cronies. The past revisited me as he whispered something to his cronies and they all burst out laughing. A few of them made lewd gestures at me while a few made suggestive remarks. For a minute I could not fully comprehend the situation. Craig had actually told these people about my deepest secret. Something that I had confided in him and him alone? And then I saw her- the bitch standing there hanging on to his jacket, sneering at me. He turned to her, kissed her full on the lips and then turning to me said, " This is what I am interested in. I don't want no faggots." .
It took me all the self-constraint in the world to walk away from there without saying a word. " What was that all about?", my friends asked me.
"oh nothing. "
I shrugged it off and tried to act as if nothing was wrong.
But inside my mind serious thinking was going on.
People might have heard of the saying- hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned. Well, I was about to show Craig what happens when you scorn a man. Enough of mister nice guy. Well, of course, I couldn't go about it in a very open manner, because after all Craig was like worshipped by 2000 people in college. However I did have a few tricks up my sleeve. No more morals, ethics or conscience.
That night I must have spent hours at the computer searching the net for the exact image that I wanted. Well, I don't usually boast about myself, but if I may say so myself, over the years, I have become quite an expert with the computer. The different softwares, hacking into systems, you name it and I can do it. Well it was time to put these skills to use. First of all I scanned a photo of Craig onto my computer. And then I set to work, a work of art. The next day, when people walked into the main hall of the college, they could see a huge poster of a grinning Craig, absolutely naked. And the big deal, or may I say, small deal was that he was awfully poorly uhh... endowed in certain regions. Well, they did not call me the king of morphed images for no reason. Before noon, the news had spread all around college. All anyone could talk about was Craig's itsy bitsy thing. The poor guy couldn't even walk through the corridors without people passing remarks and laughing at him. He even got into a fight with a few of them, and said something like I'll show you how big it is. But such remarks only made people jeer more and that was driving him mad. For once, he knew how it felt to be laughed at.
I don't know if Craig suspected me, but even if he did, he did not make it apparent. I on the other hand refused to say anything on the matter. Even when my friends were making wild speculations about who might have done it. I did receive a few blank calls in the next 2 days or so, but there was no way of knowing whether it was him or not. And even if it was him, who cared? I was on a streak, and there was no way I was going to stop.
The next arrow out of the quiver came when our results came out in the next two weeks. Guess who had not done well in his exams? Well, I knew that saying something would be aiming right below the belt, but the urge to get back at him was too much. I sent him a card. You know one of those mean ones that go like glad you died or something like that. The message in the card was quite clear. It said something about keeping it up, and how incapable he was of doing that either academically or physically. I know by now, the lot of you must have started hating me. And sympathizing with Craig, but how do I explain to you the pain, suffering and agony of rejection that I had to go through? How do I tell you about how worthless I felt when he laughed at me and called me a fag, or dismissed me as an insignificant worm in front of his friends. I was convincing myself that what I was doing was right and that there was justice in this world. But at night when I tried to sleep. His sad looking eyes kept flashing in front of me. I could see the tears from the time the principal had admonished him for his grades, and the pure joy at improving them. Somewhere deep down, a voice was telling me that I was wrong, but a stronger voice convinced me that I was not.
By now, I think that Craig had realized I was the one behind all of this. because, he started making obvious remarks about me whenever I was in the vicinity. I responded by writing an article for the college paper about how the scholarships of athletes who have performed badly should be revoked. His next move was to flaunt the bitch in my face. Whenever, I was close by, he would get all romantic with her, and deliberately speak loudly enough for me to hear. Well if his aim was to make me feel bad, then he sure did succeed, because every time I saw him whisper into her ear, every time he kissed her in front of an audience, I would wince inside, and almost hear the sound of my heart breaking.
And then, I got one of the biggest breaks of my life. We were staging a drama for AIDS relief patients, and I was picked to direct the play. The casting was left to me. Well, who better than Craig and the bitch in two of the lead roles. The bitch was absolutely ecstatic that she was getting the limelight for this long. Craig on the other hand was a little apprehensive of doing the part. He smelled a rat somewhere, because all of a sudden for the first time in months I was being nice to him. He wanted out, but couldn't say anything openly because the play was for a good cause.
Well if he thought that something was wrong, he sure was right about that. Because I was waiting for this opportunity for a long time.
From the first day of rehearsals, it became evident to everyone that a battle was going to take place. The stage was set. And it was going to be the director versus the actor. I outright refused to accept any of his suggestions, made him say his lines over and over again. Asked him to say his lines in a particular manner and then just about when he had perfected it, ask him to switch to another style. I would make him stay for rehearsals long after everyone had left and make him go over insignificant details again and again. He too tried his best to test my patience. Whenever I told him to do a piece in a particular manner, he would deliberately act dumb or outright refuse to do it.
The fights that we had were some of the most childish I can imagine, but I am sure others had a lot of fun at our expense. The verbal conflicts that used to occur were something like this-
Says who?
Says me.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Well, I am not going to do it.
I will make you.
How? By punching my face?
If you dare me to, I will.
I dare you.
You are not worth it.
Coward.
I am not the one afraid to acknowledge the truth.
No you are the one ever ready to send cards to people when they are feeling low.
At least I had the balls to do it. Speaking of which, we all do know that SIZE DOES MATTER.
You stink.
They say, the company you keep rubs off.
And the argument continued.
I could fill pages with the silly things that I did to make life miserable for him or the other way round. Well apart from getting him the most ridiculous wardrobe or putting paint in his shoes or insulting him left, right top and bottom at every given occasion, I am surprised that the both of us had not managed to kill one another. Anyway, getting back to our story, or whatever is left of it, the day before the play was due arrived. I was as busy as hell. Yelling out last minute instructions to people, looking into the costumes, lights, backstage arrangements, and still finding time to be mean to Craig. I was balanced on this rather precarious beam, trying to find an appropriate spot for the spotlights. At the same time I was asking Craig to move here and there on the stage so that I could decide the best place for the spots.
Not there you moron, a little bit to the left.
I'm bored and I want to go home.
Oh no you don't. After this we are having a final dress rehearsal.
Yes, Mr. Hitler.
Get your butt moving. Hold. Wait in that position and let me see if the spots can be adjusted.
Mike jump off a cliff.
And that that very moment I lost my balance...
When I came to, everything around me was bleary. I could barely make out the person sitting in my room. It was professor Leary, the dramatics in charge.
Hey, mike, you almost lost it in there. The doctors said that had we not brought you in earlier, you would have suffered a serious concussion. Well you have Craig to thank for your life.
He was the one who broke your fall by positioning himself under you. And it was he who rushed you to he hospital. He literally carried you in his arms all the way to the hospital. Even now, he was not ready to leave your side. I've sent him for a cup of coffee with great difficulty.
"Uh... could you send him into the room?", I muttered.
"Sure."
When Craig entered my room, I could not bring myself to look at him. I was startled by the warmth in his voice.
Hey wimp, you had me scared pretty good there.
I looked into his brown eyes, and could only see infinite care for me.
For what was the first time in months, I smiled at him and said, "You were the one who asked me to jump."
All of a sudden his face became very serious. Shivering hands held mine as he said, "You do know that I did not mean it, don't you?"
Before I could answer, he continued, "Why are you doing this to me, Mike? I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to you. I can't bear to think that I would have lost the chance to tell you that... that I ... love you."
And all of a sudden all the pain, suffering, and the hate drained out of me. I felt light as a feather, ready to dance with joy. After all these months, I was finally hearing what I had desperately longed to hear for months. I reached out to touch his face, but he moved away.
I looked at him with a confused look in his eyes. And yet again before I could say anything, he started in a rush-
"This exactly what I am afraid of. I don't want to do the whole relationship thing with you Mike. Till yesterday I prided myself on being as straight as a ramrod, made fun of homosexuals, cracked sick jokes about them. Fag, queer, fairy. These are the words that I used for them. It was very difficult for me to admit that I might actually love you. But it can't go beyond that. I have a girl friend for crying out loud. What will my parents say? My friends? I can't bear to have people laughing at me or calling me names. I might seem to be very rash and adventurous but I don't have the guts to defy society. In the beginning, I was even scared to call you my friend in front of others, because I was worried about what they would think. So I made fun of you, teased you in front of them so that I would be one of the crowd. When you told me that you loved me, it scared me even further that I would be laughed at. Please mike, don't make me do this."
For the first time I saw how helpless he was. There were two persons within him constantly fighting to be heard. Did I really want to be in love with a person who was so scared of the mockery that is society? My mind told me no, but my heart was yelling yes at the top of it's voice.
I kept silent for a while trying to gather my thoughts. When I finally thought that I was ready to say something meaningful, I said to him-
"This is not about others or what they feel, or what they say. It us about us. What you feel? What you want to do. Man can be scared of a thousand different things in life. But his ability to conquer his fear is what makes him human. I love you Craig, and I think you love me. That is all that matters. Society, people, rumors are very short lived. They might talk, laugh and even ridicule. But tomorrow they will have forgotten all about you. They will have found a new topic to talk about. At times Craig, you should let your heart win over your mind. However unreasonable it may seem at the time, however stupid and silly the advice given by your heart, listen to it once in a while. Because the path to happiness lies through your heart. Let go of the constraints and limitations that bind you, and see how it feels. You will be free Craig, free. Remember that dream where you are riding a horse, and there is no one to stop you? You flying like a free bird? Well, go get your dream Craig, because this is it. Even now, I can't force you to do as I want. I respect your decision. Just knowing that you love me is enough. But what do I tell my heart that still twists in agony? What do I tell the dark nights that demand someone to hold me. What do I tell my body that craves contact? What do I tell my soul that searches for a mate?
To be or not to be.
To see or not to see
To cry or not to cry
To die or not to die.
That is the question dear Craig. But the most important of them is to love or not to love. Tell me Craig, to love or not to love?"
Tears were streaming down my eyes by now. I asked Craig to leave me alone and turned onto my side. Before I knew it, my body was shaking with sobs. All of a sudden a hand burned into my shoulder. I turned around to see Craig was still there.
"Please go", I said, "Go while you still can. Before it is too late."
But he did not move. Instead, he bent down and embraced me. A warm affectionate embrace to tell me that everything would be all right. And I lost my self in that embrace. I could feel the softest lips on my forehead, and with a contented sigh I fell asleep.
I don't know exactly what it was that made Craig stay that night. But once he stayed, he never left. It has been 6 years since I first met him, and he is still with me. Life has never been this good, and it promises to get only better. Craig works as a full time actor and I have my law firm. We laugh, watch movies, take care of one another, pillow talk and snuggle together at night when sleeping. Any day now, we will buy our own ranch where we can forget all our earthly worries ride like the world was about to end. Both his, and my parents denounced us, and declared that we were no longer alive to them. A couple of our friends left while a couple stayed on to give us support. Now and then, we do have to deal with the odd case of homophobia, and even that gets too much at times. Knowing that you are going to have to go through such experiences for the rest of your life. Knowing that people will always point a finger at you. Knowing that you are not going to have children and see them grow old. But through all of this, he is there by my side, and that is what matters. We will get through it together with each other's help. This is my life and this is what I want it to be- the sum of us both.
End.
Note:
Craig read through the whole story and says that I have over-romanticized it. But according to me, that is how it happened.
Last that I heard the bitch was working as a waitress in a roadside diner in Connecticut.