============================================================================== Disclaimer.
This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author.
This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18.
The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author.
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Authors note. I don't know why I'm uploading this. I suppose I hope that maybe there are a few more people out there like me who can relate to this. Anyway, I don't know if this will become a story, or a one-off or what. All I know is, I was angry, and here's the result.
No editor No self-editing No spell check No read throughs Just anger..................anger and fear.
Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk And could you please include the title of the story, thanks in advance :D ============================================================================= The truth About Coming Out Chapter 1 Written in less than half an hour, By Kyro
I look at the blank screen, the same cursor has been flashing back at me for the past 5 or so minutes, blink, blink, blink... What should I write? How do you start off writing a story that isn't like any other story I've written so far? How do you start writing a story that isn't rolled in fantasy? That isn't thought out? That doesn't even have an ending in sight? This isn't like most other stories that I've written. This one isn't close to the truth; this one isn't 'based on a true story.' This one is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
So why am I writing this story? Why am I not putting all my time and effort into finishing my other stories like Glitter and Trauma? Because I'm out on the ledge... I'm out on the ledge and... I'm alone. And for the first time in my life I'm ready to admit...that I'm scared. There's no one coming to help me, no knight in shining armour; no Superman to catch me when I fall. If it was one of my friends out here, I'd be there to catch them, I'd be sure to save them. But they're not here for me. Why? Is it because I pushed them away?
Yes... and no. They wanted to be pushed away; they never wanted to be friends with someone like me. They made that pretty clear. So when I gave them a nudge to distance myself from them, they went running as fast and as hard as they could. And who could blame them? They were always cautious of me, the 'oddball', the 'strange one of the group', the 'weirdo.' They took my intelligence and used it as a weapon against me, they made the fact that I was smarter than them something to be ashamed of. And do you know what? I was.
I was ashamed of being smart, of being in love with outer space, of liking computer games, of being good at programming, of reading manga, of being able to fix Xbox's, to fix PC's, to fix cars.... I was even ashamed that I was gay...
sigh...
So I guess if you read the title of this story then it's no surprise to you that I'm gay. It's no surprise to you, someone who I've never met before in my life. And yet, my friends and family still think I'm just your average straight guy. If they were to find out I'm gay, it wouldn't be a revelation so much as a bereavement. It would be the death of the last part of me that they could really relate to. sigh Somehow I've now managed to tell complete strangers more about myself than those who are supposedly closest to me. How twisted is that?
So why am I writing this? What drove me to this point? What made me vent my feelings to a computer screen and then upload it to a website for other people to judge me over? I guess that's a long story and I'm planning to keep this short, so let me just tell you about today, there'll be plenty of time to fill you in on all the rest.
In engineering we deal with equilibrium, everything in the universe must be in equilibrium. 'Energy can't be created or destroyed,' 'equations must balance,' etc. So what wrecked my equilibrium? I wish I could give you some sort of profound explanation. I wish I could tell you I had some sort of ground-breaking, breath-taking, world re-defining epiphany... But I didn't, I just got tired. It's as simple as that. I got tired, tired like I've never been before in my life. When I finished walking home from uni, my limbs weren't throbbing with their usual drive; my body wasn't urging me to go upstairs to my room and get on with the next piece of uni work, the next song I had to learn on my guitar, the next chapter I had to write for my story. No... my body wasn't urging me to do anything...all it was saying was, 'I'm tired.'
I sat on the couch in my living room with my head in my hands, thinking about how my friends and I are drifting, thinking about how much of myself I've locked away from people because they don't understand it or think it's abnormal, thinking about how I'm constantly lying to people about my sexuality. So the logical thing to do would be to tell that one person who you think you can trust more than anyone, that you're gay, right? Everyone has someone like that in their life. A friend, a grandparent, it doesn't matter who they are, you trust them more than anyone in the world and if you had to put your life in someone else's hands, it'd be theirs.
So who is my 'go-to-guy?' Who is my 'Goose?' Well...it doesn't matter anymore, because he can no longer be there for me. He made sure of that when he began dating my little cousin. I know that if I were to tell him that I'm gay, then he'd have to be honest with her should any conversation about me come up. And the last thing I want is for someone except him to know. I had never been able to bring myself to ask him to lie to her for me. And do you want to know what the worse part of it is? I'm sure that if I asked him to, he would, he would tell her I was straight, because that's how close we are, and that's why I can't ask him. So I had to sacrifice the best friendship in the world for the sake of my little cousin. I guess a part of me should resent her for stealing my best friend, I guess a part of me should be angry. But I'm not, not even slightly. He's my brother in ways that my 2 genetic siblings will never be. We've had more times together doing crazy stuff than most people would ever come near to doing in a lifetime, and I know he'll take good care of my little cousin. I may not be in love my best friend, but I definitely love him, just as I love my little cousin.
So what about my other friends, why haven't I told any of them that I'm gay? Well they've made enough remarks about gay people for me to know exactly how they feel, they haven't held back and I guess I could always admire them for their honesty, even if it was a dagger through my heart. So I guess the next thing you would do is try to tell your family? Well my family aren't any better than my friends. Growing up in Glasgow in the 60's and 70's breads a certain type of person, a person who's racist and homophobic yet somehow completely unaware of how wrong it is.
But that wasn't what I was thinking as I sat there. All of that stuff is usually at the very forefront of my mind along with my uni work and my friends' problems and family problems and any other problems that anyone else had decided to throw on top on that given day. But at that moment, all I could think about was how tired I was. How tired I was of keeping secrets, how tired I was of lying to everyone, how tired I was of having to make sure anything which could be deemed even remotely gay on my computer was deleted or password protected. I was just so damn tired! And that's when I continued to stare at the nought on the laminate flooring beneath my feet and uttered a few words to my mum who was sitting on the couch opposite me.
"I don't know if I can do this anymore, I'm so tired. I'm trying so hard to keep it up but I feel as if I'm struggling today."
"What's worrying you?" My mum asked concerned. "Is it uni?" She asked immediately picking up that this wasn't just your ordinary bad day.
I could feel tears beginning, I just wanted to get it all off my chest, I wanted to be rid of it all, all the fear, all the doubt, all of the tension. If they were going to kick me out, better it be now than later. But something stopped me from saying it, my voice was catching in my throat as I choked out the next few words.
"I'm just struggling...just now."
"What's wrong? You're worrying me now."
I shook my head, trying desperately not to cry and not daring for a minute to raise my stare from the floor.
"What is it?"
"It's nothing." I shot back reflexively.
I wanted to say it. There were times when I had thought about coming out. There were times when I had flirted with the idea, danced with danger but had never really been serious about it. Not this time, this time I was serious about it. I could hear myself saying it over and over in my head, I'm gay, I'm gay... Only to be painfully reminded by the eerie silence that nothing was coming forth from my lips.
"It's really bad, mum. And there's nothing I can do about it."
"What is it?"
A few moments of silence passed as she waited on my response, I didn't know what to tell her, I was being eaten alive by fear.
"I don't think I can tell you." I could feel my hands begin to shake against my head slightly.
"You know I'll always love you so it doesn't matter what you tell me," she reassured.
I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach, surely this was it; surely this was the ideal moment to come out. Surely she was saying all the things I could ever possibly want her to say. If so, then why didn't I believe her? Why couldn't I shake this niggly feeling of utter distrust? Why had she said all the other things about gays being perverts? Why had she said that she could understand many things, but she'd never be able to get gays? Why had she said that she thought two guys kissing each other is perverse?
"It's nothing." I said standing up getting ready to leave; my gaze was still on the floor. One look at her face and I knew my defences would come tumbling down; I wanted to tell her sooooo badly, I just couldn't.
"Is it to do with money?"
"No."
"Your health?"
"No," I said getting irritated and moving towards the door.
"You're worrying me. You know you can tell me anything. You're my son and I'll always love you to death. We'll deal with it whatever it is but you just need to tell me."
I stepped through the door feeling scared and panicked, she loved me, but would she always like me?
"It's nothing, just uni stuff, I'm gonna go for a sleep," I said trying to brush it off. I put my hands in my pockets to stop them from shaking, if she saw that, she would definitely come upstairs and interrogate me and to be honest, I would have cracked.
I would have cracked......
Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk