============================================================================== Disclaimer.
This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author.
This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18.
The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author. =============================================================================
Authors note. I've gotten a lot of feedback about this story/monologue with a lot of people saying that they can relate to it. I wish that weren't so, I wish no one could relate to this, I wouldn't wish these circumstances on anyone, but it would be a lie if I were to say that I wasn't heartened by the fact that I`m not in this alone.
This story was written for me, to help me get things straight in my head. But after answering all the emails I've received, I guess it's fair to say this story isn't mine anymore...it's ours.
We're all in this together...
Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk And could you please include the title of the story, thanks in advance :D ============================================================================= The Truth About Coming Out Chapter 2 Written with his spirits on the floor, by Kyro
Sigh So this isn't getting any easier to write and the simple reason for that is, my life isn't getting any easier to live. After my debacle with my mum the other day, my mood plummeted and I passed the next few days by barely spending any time at home in order to hide from my mum. Thank god the library at my university is open until 2AM. Every time I was in her company, her eyes would scan my very soul like search beacons desperately seeking anything unusual. I started skipping dinners so I didn't have to spend time with her staring at me, this only further increased her worry, but I didn't have any other choice.
Wow... A 22 year old guy hiding from his mother, what a hero...
So I guess I should tell you that I've re-read my last story and that I'm going to send it away to my editor for him to perfect. The fact is, I'm not. I don't really care if it's perfect... I don't even care if it's coherent. I just don't care...I really, really just don't care anymore. sigh Where has the anger gone that made me write nearly 2000 words in less than half an hour? Where has the rage which had me fuming at my own inability to say, "I'm gay" to my mum gone?
I know where it's gone... I can feel the anger and rage which was coursing through me over the past few days start to turn itself inwards on me. I can feel the narcissistic caress of depression tightening its grip around my throat so smooth and effortlessly. I can feel my shoulders slump and my breathing become heavier as it settles on my chest like a boulder. So why have things gotten worse? Why am I worse off now than what I was when I first failed to come out to my mum a few days ago? I'll tell you why...strike two!
Yeah, I tried again...and I failed... again. I'm so desperate to get this off my chest before I collapse. I feel like I've been sapped of all energy and life. That I'm a walking shell at the moment with nothing inside but my `gayness' which I'm STILL trying to hide. My best friend had been busy so I decided I'd help him out by dragging him into the city centre for a walk and try to get his mind off of his uni work. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I had already made the decision to tell him that I was gay...to hell with my cousin!
We walked through the shops and my mind began racing as we looked at clothes rack after clothes rack, `where am I going to take him to tell him? Should I go to a McDonalds? It'll be busy and someone might overhear. A café? Same problem... where should I go to tell him then?!?' I was constantly bounding the idea back and forward before he held up a plain, lemon t-shirt, "what do you think of this?"
It looked awful but that wasn't what I noticed, that wasn't what caught my attention. My best mate looked like he had been thrown in front of a train! His skin was more sallow than usual and his eyes were almost black, he looked like he had been fighting or rather, he looked like he had been beaten.
"Jesus, you look rough." I said surprised.
He hung the t-shirt back up on the rack.
"I feel it, I've been getting utterly pounded with coursework! It's all due in four days and I'm still nowhere near done. I think I've gone through about 20 cans of Red Bull in 2 days."
My heart sank. It had taken us 20 minutes to walk into the city centre together, side by side, step by step. And I hadn't even noticed how terrible he looked, how much he was struggling with his uni work. What sort of best friend am I?
"Jesus mate, if you want a hand with anything you know I'll be able to help you with any maths or physics or that." I offered hoping to appease my conscience. How pathetic!
"Nah, nah, you're cool. I'm just glad you managed to get me out of the house. A few mindless hours of talking nonsense and doing nothing is exactly what I needed."
I gave him a heart broke smile, there was no way I was coming out to him now. "Oh thanks a lot, talking nonsense eh?" I said lightening the mood. I had to turn away and pretend to look at another clothes rack, my throat was shrinking again.
He let out a chuckle, "We were just talking about the difference between slugs and snails without shells a minute ago, not exactly a high-end intellectual conversation."
I let out a snort, even when I'm utterly dying inside, he could always get me to laugh.
"Shut up." Was all I could reply back to him.
So that was strike two. And I've got to be honest...I don't know how many more strikes I can take. I mean it...I don't know how many more times I can physically take it. I'm on the brink, I feel as if something big is just around the corner. I can't put my finger on what it is... but I know it's there, like a stalker waiting in the shadows.
So what do I do now? How do I pick myself up? How do I go for round 3 and make sure that I don't fail again? sigh I wish I knew. I wish I had SOME answers. But this isn't like engineering, this isn't like maths or thermodynamics or anything else like that. There's no right answer and no wrong answer here. This is just a succession of mistakes all leading towards either me coming out or...or...
Yeah... or what? What other choice do I have? Run away? If I were going to do that I'd be as well telling them I was gay first and then hanging around to see how they take it. Suicide? Pffft, I'm gay and I'm more than happy with it, I'm not topping myself because other people have problems with it. So what then? What are my other choices? Play it straight for the rest of my life? Get married, have kids and die an old man having never experienced love? I think I may actually prefer the suicide option to that one.
sigh There really is no other option for me. I know some people can play it straight for all their lives, but that's not me. I'm too honest with myself and I really don't want to wreck someone else's life as well as my own. I know some people commit suicide because they can't deal with being gay, but I have dealt with it, I'm fine with it. It's other people who are the problem! Maybe I could live the bachelor's life... Me and my hand to the end baby!!!
Nah, that's not me either... I'm not like other guys... I want happiness... I want someone to share things with... I want someone in my life who I can tell my deepest, darkest secrets to... I want a man who can love me and respect me like a woman would her husband. I WANT A NORMAL GAY LIFE!
Is there even such a thing as that? A normal gay life? Is there anything about being gay that's normal? Let's be honest, most people aren't gay so by default, gay people are out of the norm. Does that mean we can't be happy? Does that mean my family shouldn't accept me because I'm not another straight little sheep?
No, that's not right. Gay people may live outwith the norm, but that's not to say we're not normal and can't live a normal life. My family can go to hell with all their predispositions about gay people, I've had enough. I'm battening down the hatches and preparing for the next assault. In the next few days, someone is going to know about me being gay. I don't know who, and I don't exactly know when, but someone is going to find out. And do you know what? It isn't going to be like the movies or the stories you read when the gay guy cries and tells someone before running away and eventually being chased down. It isn't going to be all hugs and kisses and it certainly isn't going to be easy, but I'm not going to back down. I'm not ashamed and I'm going to make damn sure that everyone knows that when I tell them.
So that's how the day has ended, the same as every other day. I'm at war with my friends and family and they don't even know it. They're on the opposite side of the battlefield in their foxholes, and I'm sitting, cowered, cold and lonely in my foxhole. But not for much longer...
Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!