Well now to find out what is going on with Michael...
God what had happened? Michael suddenly just shut down in front of me, something I had not seen out of him, a different reaction from when I screwed up back in December. The entire rest of the day had become a blur, though my haze being slapped out of me when Pike started up Frisbee practice.
Frisbee practice was crap, I am not going to lie. Pike was standing there, speaking to the team and while I did my best to pay attention, I couldn't help but keep thinking about Michael. The way he was acting, the tears, it was all too... real for me. Drifting off, I replayed the moment in my head; Michael sitting there with the streams down his cheeks, his dull eyes lost in his thoughts. He didn't want to talk, though his mouth was open, the speech inaudible.
"Chris!" My name gets shouted out, and I snap to. Looking around the group, I try to find who called me, and when it is called again, I realize it is Pike, his stature suddenly more imposing than I had ever imagined. Standing with the team, they all looked at me with an expectation of something.
"What?" The glaze from my eyes drops off as my senses shift back to use, looking at them with confusion. Shifting in my cleats, I move back and forth on the pressure, alternating my attention from Pike to Sarah to Andrew.
"You were zoning out there bro. I didn't want to lose you when I started to talk about the upcoming tournament." Pike crosses his arms, looking out at the rest of the team. "The tournament will be in two weeks, but that will be here sooner than you think. I need you all at your best fitness levels, especially when we go against Fullerton." The seriousness of the speech told us this was an important game, even if Pike didn't say it outright.
After Pike had finished up, he broke us off into our individual groups, not before he pulled me aside. Standing alone with him, I knew what he was going to ask, even before the words left his mouth. "Are you going to be ok to play against Kyle?"
Bigger things were on my mind than Kyle at the moment, and to be honest, if I were to see him, I am pretty sure I would be great. I would revel in the ability to take him down again. Instead of commenting all that, I just muttered out a simple understated, "Yea." I really didn't care at the moment.
Pike could tell something was up, and I didn't want him to prod but he did. "Is everything ok? I need to know you will be alright to play, no distractions this time."
Sighing heavily, I wanted to tell him about Michael, but I really didn't know what to say. Though I didn't mean it, my response to him came out a little testy, an unintended consequence of my altered mental state, "Yea Pike, I'll be fine, I swear."
Pike took the hint that I didn't want to talk but I sensed hesitation in his actions, the unwillingness to back down apparent when he just stood there, his frame unwavering. "Alright, well do you wanna practice now?" It was a good change of subject, while subtle. He still wanted control over my actions, his watching over me concerned.
Practice went a little better from that, the exercise slightly breaking off my thoughts of Michael. The drills and throws forced me into diverting my attention to the training, Michael taking back seat to the team. With the tournament two weeks away, Pike wasted no time working us hard, the scrimmages intense and the drills extreme. If we dropped a disk once, we had to restart the drill, making us work even harder to complete the passes.
Once practice ended though, Michael flooded back into view, the thought of him firm in my mind. Not even taking the time to shower, I went straight to his room, my sweat still dripping from my brow. Michael opened the door with a small smile, him happy to see me. "Hey Chris, come in."
Entering into his room, I took a seat on his chair and just looked at him, letting him close the door before I barraged him with questions. When he turned around, his smile was there, though not as strong. Something was wrong. "Michael, what's going on? I feel as if I have done something but I don't know what it is."
Michael's smile disappeared as he sat down on his bed, holding out his hands for me to grab. Placing my trust in him, I opened up for him, wanting him to talk with me. "Chris, I really don't know how to tell you this..." His voice trailed off, spurring concerns about everything: his health, his family, us. Looking down at our hands, Michael holds his grip firm but compassionate. "Do you love me?"
What? Was this what it was all about? Me loving him? Of course I loved him, "Of course I love you Michael. I mean why wouldn't I love you?" I scoot in closer to him, pressing my legs against his.
Michael looks up hanging his head and holds his sight at my eyes, the tears wanting to flow but not yet released. "But do you LOVE me Chris? Like see us getting married, having kids, setting down and living together forever?"
Oh shit. Fuck. What the hell was this? Love? I mean of course I love him but marriage? Kids? Was I ready for this? I couldn't do this. I love him but. The reservations start coming out, the wall that seemed impenetrable just crashed, everything was falling apart. "I don't know." My voice was so faint I didn't know if it was me thinking it or if the words actually left my mouth. My eyes couldn't hold up to him, my sudden uncertainty being splashed all over my body.
"Chris." Michael held me firm, the warmth of his fingers extending over to me. I suddenly felt very cold, sick, disgusted with myself. "Chris, look at me."
My eyes veered up to his, locking onto those beautiful dark blue eyes. The navy colored irises flowed with emotion, a life of their own speaking out to me. "Chris, remember that I will always be here for you, always love you."
"But..." I coughed out hoarsely. I knew what was coming but didn't want to face it. The end was here. How could this happen? What had I done wrong?
"Chris. You know when two people are just made for each other? Like that spark is there and nothing could snuff it out? I thought I had that spark for you I really did but somewhere I lost it." Michael's eyes lost control of the dam and the tears started flowing, the intense streams of water down his face showing how hurt he felt. How much he wanted to care but he couldn't. He knew he wasn't the one but he wanted to be it. "I'm sorry Chris. I'm so sorry."
I didn't know what to say. First Skyler almost dies, and now this. My nerves were shot. I wanted to blow up on him, be mad and angry but I couldn't. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. This wasn't right. Oh god, have we been lying to each other the entire time? Have we been lying to ourselves? I broke down as well, not wanting to lose him, not wanting this love, if it could even still be allowed to be called love, to disappear.
Moving over to him, I sit beside him and hold his head close, my own tears wetting his shirt. God I smell right now, my sweat is making him just as wet on his chest as my tears are on his shoulder. I felt so lost, what was this LOVE? Finding the one? Had I ever had that spark? Even worse, had I already stamped it out and destroyed it?
"Michael, its ok..." I wanted to believe the words I spoke but even I could tell it was a lie. I wanted to stay as his boyfriend but we didn't love each other to that level. "Even if we are not boyfriends, promise me that we will still remain friends. Promise me that Michael." I could hardly get those words out but I needed that confirmation that I would not lose him. We may not be boyfriends anymore but I would be damned if I lost him as a friend.
"Yea, I don't want to lose you Chris. That is the hardest part of this all. I still love you enough to want you around, just... I can't... I can't do this to you." Michael hugs me, his rugby body tensing up with the passion.
Not knowing what to say, I just sat there, stone solid. Tears still seeped out but the surge has subsided. Reality was sinking in. We were over. There was no longer Michael my boyfriend. Now he was just Michael my friend. Michael my best friend. This sounds sad and I couldn't help but chuckle inside but one word came to mind: Friend-zoned. This was more than that though; he actually cared for me more than that. We were more than friends, almost brothers in a sense.
Feeling a little sick to the stomach, I broke from Michael and wiped my face. "Man, I smell. I'm so sorry for smothering you with the stench." Making my way to my feet, I get my bearings sorted out in my head. The door was behind me.
Michael coughed up a chuckle as he watched me move towards the door. "It's ok, I'm sorry myself. I feel horrible for leading you on Chris." He didn't make the effort to get up, instead letting me leave alone. No goodbyes kiss, no hug, nothing. The shock of it all was stunning.
Closing the door behind me, I walked down the hall absentminded. Pressing the button on the elevator, I wait there, mind blank. The doors open and I don't even enter. The doors start to close, forcing me to act. Stepping side, I rest against the wall. I don't know whether to go up or down so I just ride it.
The doors open on the first floor, the lobby beckoning me out of the confining box. Taking gentle steps out, I just walk. As I move around the lobby, Austin brushes past me, calling out to me as he heads towards his room. "Hey Chris, how are you doing?"
Lying outright, I shrug my shoulders. "I'm fine. How are you? How is Skyler?"
I decide subconsciously to walk with Austin, heading towards his room. Austin talks to me as he approaches the door, hushing his voice, "He's doing better. Way better. But it is still hard at times. I have never seen him so..." Austin stops as he looks for the right word to fit, "Exposed."
In a much bummed tone, I respond, "Coming out does that to some people."
Austin notes my composure, and starts to open the door, asking in the process, "Are you ok?"
People really need to stop asking me that. Of course I am not ok. But I don't want to talk about it! Staying blue, I shrug my shoulders and just say, "No but I don't really wanna talk about it."
Austin enters, watching me as he takes the steps into his room. "Ok."
Putting on my best happy face I could muster, I enter as well, hoping that Skyler was in there as well. He was, and his face shot to a smile when he saw me. I tried to sound as peppy as I could, "Hey Skyler, how are you doing?"
Skyler sensed something was up, and given the way I was standing, my emotions wanting to flow, it was not hard to see I was in turmoil. "I'm doing fine. Better. Though you look like shit."
"Yea, it's been one hell of a day." I lie, again to avoid bringing it up. Focusing back on Skyler, I move over to where he is situated, his body lying on his bed looking over a book. "I'm glad to see you're a doing alright. I just wanted to say hi."
Skyler motions his shoulders up, "I'm glad you came by. It does mean a lot to me. Thank you."
I didn't want to stay around, instead heading back to the door to leave. I really needed to be alone right now. I wanted to be alone right now. "Ok, well I have to get going. I need to go shower. I'll talk with you later ok?"
Skyler nods his head as I exit, allowing me to make my way back to the elevator. As I press the button, I hear Skyler's door open. Seeing him come out, I try to put back on the smile but it fails miserably. This is crap. I am crap.
Ad the doors open, I enter inside and Skyler joins, barely making it before the doors shut. "Hey what's up? You were there for me, now it's my turn to be there for you."
I really didn't want to talk about it. "Skyler, you're a great guy but I really don't want to bother you with this. Please." My eyes start to tear up, the thought of being alone just as terrifying. I wanted him to stay but I wanted him to go.
"Chris, something is eating you, but ok." Skyler thankfully respects my request and just stands there. The doors open and I take a step out, my eyes starting to overflow. I wanted Skyler to follow me, give me company. A second or two passes then he takes a step forward and hugs me. He hugs me tight.
Breaking down, I hold onto him as if he is some life raft that will save me. Wailing out, I start to cry, "Michael and I broke up. I mean we are still friends but I feel so lost. He doesn't love me. And I don't know if I LOVE him. Like LOVE. What is this love? I don't know what to feel!" I start pounding on Skyler's chest with anger, the lack of that spark angering me more than anything.
Helping me down slowly to the ground, Skyler rests up against the wall and holds me, my sobs of anguish a side I never wanted him to see. "He said I wasn't the one for him. We talked about marriage and kids and shit but in the end we both agreed we were not suited for each other, because of that fucking spark!"
Skyler didn't say anything. He didn't need to. I didn't want him to. I just wanted to cry. And so I did.
Well now this is one hell of a way to start the semester... Hopefully it will get better...
I know this is not what everyone was expecting to happen but things will work out in the end (whenever that may be). I do have long term plans for everyone and even though Michael and Chris may no longer be together, they will still have a HUGE impact in each other's lives.