The Ultimate Truth
This little story is part fiction, part truth, but all me. The Characters are real, the events are part fiction and the emotions are all truth. Please send any comments to r_workman@hotmail.com
For "Matthew"
You know, sometimes I wonder if I am the only one out there who feels the way I do. I wonder if anyone else feels so lonely and so different, so unneeded and unwanted, and so incredibly sad. I sit back sometimes and I wonder why exactly things are the way they are. I wonder why exactly no matter how hard I try, I cannot be happy. It seems as though no matter how happy I may be, that happiness gets taken away so quickly to be replaced once again by complete misery. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be different? Why am I so alone?
I've often wondered how it is exactly that one simple thing that I want so badly, but which I will never achieve, can hurt so much for so long. It's been God knows how many years now since I first realized that I am Gay, but why do I still feel like a worthless piece of shit? I mean, I'll admit, I am not all that attractive in the first place. Hell, I'm about 180 pounds with a bit more fat than muscle. I don't have the obligatory washboard abs nor the various other well developed muscular qualities that so many men desire, but I like to think that I do have at least a few good qualities somewhere within me. Don't get me wrong, I may not be very attractive but I'm definitely not ugly. I do have some muscle on me despite my heavy set structure and I'm in shape enough to walk across a very large university campus for classes not to mention a demanding summer job as a technician for the local phone company. Aside from that, my best friend Matthew describes me as a "cute, furry and cuddly teddy bear". All my friends tell me that I have a "heart of gold" and that I couldn't be a better friend to those I care about. So if I give out so much love and so many teddy bear hugs, why then do I feel as if nothing I say or do makes any difference in the lives of anyone else? Why do I feel as if I could dissappear and no one would be affected at all?
For years now, I've had this huge crush on Matthew, my best friend of over six years. We've been through everything together and he is everything that I could ever aspire to be. Although we're the same height, he has a much slimmer build. He's into sports and bodybuilding and in a lot of ways we're exact opposites, but in other ways, we connect on a level that defies any sort of analysis or description. I can honestly say that he is my very first true love because it was my feelings for him that made me realize that I'm Gay. I truly couldn't ask for a better friend, but at the same time, it hurts so much to be with him. As you've probably guessed, he has absolutely no feelings for me whatsoever. Sure, I get the odd hug and the occasional "thank you" for doing a favour, but I always want more. I hold onto the dream that one day, a hug will turn into a kiss and a kiss will turn into the ultimate expression of how much I love him.
Now I've also heard and read the word "love" misused so many times that it just isn't funny anymore. Love is a sacred thing that has to be nurtured and cared for and doesn't just occur after a fuck-fest with some hot guy that somebody met in the school library and has fantasized about for a month. Love is when you cannot stand to be without that one special person. Love is when your heart yearns so much for so long for even the slightest amount of affection that will last for more than a few seconds. When you lie awake almost every night for the past five years crying yourself to sleep in hopes that you'll one day understand why your feelings cannot come to fruition, that is the purest of all love. That is when you know where the other half of your soul is located but simply have no means of joining with it.
Now as I've said, Matthew is one of the greatest if not the greatest friend that I could ever hope to have in my lifetime. I'm not at all jealous of him in anyway, but I can't help but wonder if just maybe I had the body that he has worked so hard to sculpt, that things might be different between us. I wonder if maybe he really does have feelings for me but simply finds me completely revolting enough to dismiss the inner "me" completely. The thought of that hurts me so much that I don't dare explore the possibility further. I don't even dare ask "what if" for fear that the "what if" may actually be true. What I do instead is dream.
My dreams are the only place in which I have total control. They defy all rules and expectations and all constraints of life. I must admit that Matthew has not been the only object of my fantasy, but definitely the most prominent. In fact, just the other night, I had the most incredible dream that I can recall to date...
My doorbell rang and I knew exactly who it was. I had invited Matthew over to spend the weekend while my parents were out of town so that we could get plastered and watch a couple of movies. I have always enjoyed spending as much time as possible with Matthew and I'll though neither of us is the most pleasant at times, I miss him when we're apart and I wish that our time together would last forever.
In my usual attire of jeans and a T-shirt, I answered the door to a hot and sweaty Matthew exhausted after a bike ride through the trails of the city park. He stood there in his bike shorts and tight fitting T-shirt while strands of sweat soaked hair peeked out from under his helmet.
"So where do we put my baby?" he asked.
"Your baby? Just follow me."
After putting his bike in my garage and securing the building to put Fort Knox to shame, we went back into my house. I offered him a cold drink but instead he asked if he could grab a shower. I was surprised he even bothered asking to use the shower let alone ring the doorbell! The standing rule is that he is never a guest in my house but a part of the family instead. I told him to make himself at home and to help himself to my toiletries upstairs. After getting partway up the staircase, he turned to look at me.
"Hey," he said with a smile, "Aren't you going to come and make sure I wash behind my ears?"
"Oh for crying out loud Matthew would you please stop teasing me!" I was just about yelling. "I've told you how much I hate it when you taunt me like that!"
He looked almost hurt as he came back downstairs and stood in front of me.
"I'm sorry," he said, "You can spank me later."
Before what he said had even clicked in, he had planted a toying kiss on my cheek, grabbed his overnight bag and bolted upstairs into the washroom. Strangely enough though, I didn't hear the door lock. After about a half-hour, he came back down looking quite refreshed. His hair was still a bit wet and mussed, but he had switched to jeans and T-shirt mode similar to myself. No socks though. Matthew never wore socks when he didn't have to and to be honest, neither did I.
He came and sat right beside me on the rather large couch, which was odd since he usually occupied the recliner or loveseat. I leaned back into the soft cushions and he stretched out beside me putting his head on my lap. At this point, I really had no idea what the hell was going on.
"Well," he said, "we have the whole house to ourselves. What d'ya wanna do?"
What I really wanted to do was to strip him naked and pleasure him in ways that he never thought possible, but of course, I restrained myself (even in my dreams I'm at least somewhat realistic). I prayed that I wouldn't start to get hard with his head laying on my lap... a definite challenge.
"I dunno," I replied, "however I did just buy a new bottle of Disaronno Amaretto."
"Oh you are a God! Crack it open!"
I rose from my rather comfortable spot on the couch and headed for my room to grab the bottle of my favourite drink next to scotch and Drambuie. I returned moments later with two tumblers with three ice cubes in each and the bottle of the greatest Amaretto in the entire world. I poured two glasses and returned to my place on the couch while handing Matthew his glass.
"Cheers." He said, and we clinked our glasses together, which we each followed with a big long savouring sip of the sweet almond liqueur.
I fell back into the soft couch once more and Matthew decided to sit up against me. As comfortable as this was, I was still apprehensive. Strange things have happened before when Mathew and I drink together. He tends to become a little more frisky and teasing when buzzed and as much as it hurts to not be able to reciprocate the affection, a large part of me still enjoys the things that he does to me.
It wasn't long before we were finishing our second glass of the stuff and although I wasn't feeling much, I could tell that Matthew was becoming quite relaxed.
"Nick," he said, "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" I was shocked. These were the last words I had expected to hear from him.
"Not since the last time you got plastered with me" I replied. He shifted his body to face me.
"I mean it Nick. Alcohol blocks inhibitions not feelings and desires so even if I am buzzed, I'm simply relaxed enough to talk openly with you. You have no idea what you mean to me Nickie and I want to make sure that you know that. If it weren't for you and the love you showed me, I know I wouldn't be here right now. You helped me through so much and I am sorry that I can't be everything that you wish I could be."
I took his glass and set our drinks down onto the coffee table in front of us. He looked at me as if he were ready to cry and I couldn't help but wrap my arms around him. I just held him there for what seemed like eternity and I didn't want to let go. Finally, we mutually broke away from each other. What happened next, I will never forget. Matthew leaned over and he kissed me. It wasn't just a peck on the cheek, but a full-fledged and passionate kiss on the lips. My God! What was I doing? What was I feeling? What the fuck do I do now?!? As we broke our kiss, Matthew and I locked our eyes together. I seemed like eternity before he broke the silence.
"Tonight my friend, you won't have to wish anymore."
As he stood, he held out his hand which I took in mine. With my best friend and first love leading the way, I followed him downstairs to my bedroom. Once inside, he closed the door locking it and then moved towards me. He took my hands again and led me to the bed where he sat down.
"Tonight," he said, "I am going to give you the best think that I can think of to mark and seal our friendship. After tonight there will be no mistaking what we mean to each other and you will not have to wish anymore."
While almost crying, I kissed him again and he wrapped his arms around me to pull me closer. As he laid himself down on my double-size waterbed, our passionate embrace and kiss continued while I climbed on top of him. As I pulled away, I sat up straddling him and began rubbing my hands across his chest. I traced little circles around the outlines of his muscular build and slowly massaged through his T-shirt. I pulled the shirt out from under his belt and pulled it up over his head. What a gorgeous sight he was to behold. It wasn't his body that I saw there in front of me; I saw his soul. I saw my best friend giving me the greatest gift any one could ever receive - the opportunity to celebrate and illustrate true love. I leaned over and planted a small kiss on his lips while my left and continued to massage his chest and my right ran through his gorgeous light brown hair.
"I love you" he said while closing his eyes.
"I know," I replied "I love you too and right now there is no mistaking the way I feel about you."
I planted little kisses down his neck and on his chest. I kissed his hard nipples and my tongue traced tiny circles around each of them. As I descended lower, I could feel his fingers running through my hair and down under my shirt onto my back. I was at his belly button, licking and kissing a path to my ultimate goal. I moved my hand up his leg and started to fumble with his belt buckle. I knew the anticipation was killing us both. I undid the zipper and spread apart the flaps of his jeans as I began to massage the outside of his sports briefs with my tongue. I could see his manly package straining against the fabric of his underwear for freedom and I could also see the small wet spot starting to form. I deeply inhaled his musky smell and I knew that I was in heaven. Not being able to wait any longer, I pulled his jeans and briefs down to his knees in one swift move. In front of me now was something that I have wanted for so long and can't wait to have, yet I want this night to last as long as it possibly can.
With my tongue, I start to lick one of the two treasures hanging there in a neat bundle. Matthew inhaled deeply as I took one wholly into my mouth, gently sucking and fondling the other with my finger. Deciding to give the other the same bath, I slowly begin to lick both at the same time, gently caressing with one hand and the other feeling as much as I can of his semi naked body. I slowly begin to pleasure him even more by licking the base of his thick shaft, my hand starting to caress his swollen and hard member. Gently, I started to pull up and down, watching his entire body twitch in excitement. He opened his eyes just enough to look at me.
"Oh my God Nickie... how can this feel so good?!?!"
Without saying a word, I continued my work, vowing to make this night one for us both to remember forever.
I ran a flick of my tongue across the head of his stiff treasure while my hand kept pumping up and down. I wasn't sure who exactly was experiencing more pleasure, myself or Matthew. I felt him grab onto my shirt and try to pull it up over my head so I decided I'd give him a little bit of assistance. Once my shirt was off, I returned to my work of pleasuring my best friend who had already brought just as much if not more joy and happiness into my life. I could tell that it wasn't long before he was ready to explode and therefore I sucked and licked and pumped harder, faster and more passionately than before. I felt his body tense and he shot gushes of his sweet nectar down my throat. I swallowed as much as I could not wanting to waste a single drop of something that I had waited so long to achieve.
After ensuring that my work was done, I adjusted my position so that I could lie next to him. After he kicked off his clothes, he proceeded to remove the rest of mine. Naked, pure and satisfied, we crawled under the covers, shut off the lights and after exchanging yet another passionate kiss, we fell asleep in each other's arms with me hoping that we could stay like this forever and a day.
Of course though, I do awaken. It is only a dream. My only wish is that I could not wake up from this dream. I wish that once my ultimate expression of love for Matthew is achieved, I will never have to live with being away from him or having to separate from a passionate embrace with my best friend again. How long will it be before I either achieve this goal which has driven me for so many years or before the goal itself consumes me and ends my life as I know it? I want to say again, when you lie awake at night as I usually do, crying yourself to sleep in hopes that you'll one day understand why your feelings cannot come to fruition, that is the purest of all love. That is when you know where the other half of your soul is located but will never understand why the two halve can't make a whole.