The Wounds Within My Heart By James
Disclaimer
If you're not of the legal age to read this story, or if you're offended by this type of material then leave now. This story may at times contain sex and romantic moments between consenting teenaged males. It also may contain scenes of Hate Speech towards people of different races, sexual orientations, disability groups and others. If you can't handle reading about that, then leave.
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Thanks once again to K. for another well-done editing job. I really appreciate the work you do with finding and correcting any editing mistakes I make in this story. Thank you.
Part Four
The Rock
Chapter 11
Nohea
As October began, the days began getting a slight chill to them. The nights were cooling down, and Triston, our dad and I sat cuddled on the couch watching TV or just talking. We also sat there on those cool nights with a couple of huge blankets covering us, and that made it really cozy. I loved those nights, and it was really nice to be home when Triston arrived home from school. He and I would play video games, or go outside for a walk. We would also sit out back and talk about how our days went.
This lasted until it was time for me to start school at Sangger High. This happened on Monday in the second week of October. I was nervous, but it helped with having our dad be there to send me off. He brought me to school that first day, and picked me up afterwards. It went really well, and I managed to make a couple of friends.
The first friend I made was named Alex Guerrero. He was 14, and had been at Sangger High for about a month. I also met his other friend Chelsey Collins. Like Alex, she was 14, but unlike him she was African-American. They were both really nice, and when I told them about my eye conditions and Blindness they were truly understanding. They both allowed me to let them know when I wanted or needed help. I was really glad about that.
They were also helpful with writing anything down that I might have missed, then giving it to me to write down in my notes after classes. I was truly appreciative of them doing that which really helped. I sat with them or as close to them as I could in the classes we shared which was all but one. The only class we didn't share was Gym Class, but I was fine with that since I was getting to know some of the other kids there as well.
As I began settling into my new school, I felt myself growing more confident, as well as more out-going. I was starting to feel like I could express myself and be out of my shell without worrying about what other kids or staff might think. I really liked that feeling! My dad could also see the change, and he was really happy at how well I was doing with fitting into my new school. The homework like with any other school wasn't enjoyable, but I managed to get through it and I was glad that after homework I still had some time left over to enjoy myself.
Throughout it all though, I still continued to miss Pietro. I sometimes would think of him before falling asleep at night, and would think of him when I would have a few minutes without anything going on. I missed his laughter, his smile and the feeling of his warm grey eyes looking intently at me or deeply into my own blue eyes. I also missed his strong arms around me as he held me to him as if trying to protect me from any and every bad thing that could hurt me in life. He couldn't say it in words, but I could sense that that's what he was trying to do, and I loved him all the more for that. Thinking of that sometimes would make me come really close to tears. Fortunately few if any people were around when I would get close to the edge. Even if anyone was there, I was able to quickly blink back any beginning tears and get my head back in reality again. I wondered how I would be able to keep this up and for how long.
I hadn't told my new friends about liking guys yet. By the time the second week of school was beginning, I was starting to come more and more to know that I was gay. I knew it deep down and would begin to accept it. Unfortunately I would still have the voice in the back of my mind questioning and nagging though. I would continue to have doubts and sometimes question whether or not I just had to find the right girl. All that was starting to fade though. I was becoming more sure every day that I was gay, but that wasn't bringing me much joy to know that. I figured that it was mainly because even if I fully accepted myself as gay, that even if I found a guy who could like me back it still wouldn't be Pietro.
I would deal with everything as best as I could. I did want to fully accept myself, as well as find a boyfriend at some point. I just knew that even if I found a boy to love that it would never be anything like what I felt for Pietro. I worried about if a guy I got with would notice, and wonder about it. I wanted to be able to give my heart fully to another guy, not just have him settle. That wouldn't be right or fair.
When I would be alone in my room, I'd take out the rock Pietro had given me. I also had a picture of him on my desk next to my computer. Mr. Marshall had taken it then given it to me a couple of days before Pietro left to move to where ever he was going to with his new family. My dad said that Pietro looked like a really nice guy when I showed it to him a couple of days after having moved in to our house.
Mostly though I would take the rock out of my pocket as I mentioned before. I would sit there holding it, as well as lightly stroking the top of it with my thumb while thinking about the love of my life.
I sat there in my room in late October on a Friday night in fact. I was holding the rock as the skies shown dark grey outside, and rain began falling. It was after 6:00 P.M. in the evening. My dad and Triston had gone out to get stuff to bring back to the house. It was stuff to make dinner. I told them that I would be fine back at the house. The truth was that I just wanted to be alone for a bit. The feelings of me missing Pietro were really strong as well as extremely raw that night. I wasn't sure why, but I had a harder time that day keeping it together at school.
Alex asked me a couple of times what was wrong, and I told him I would be alright. Chelsey asked me at the end of the day if I was alright, and I told her I'd be fine. I hated keeping my new friends in the dark about all this, but I wasn't sure how to explain it to them without falling apart. Mostly though, I worried that I would break down, and never be able to stop crying. I didn't want the embarrassment of that.
Finally I got up, and after sitting the rock back down on the table by my bed I returned to where my computer sat. I sat back down at the desk, and opened up my journal. I then began writing.
0000
Dearest Pietro: As I continue on with my life I still think of you. There's not a day that goes by that you're not in my thoughts. You being out of my life has been the hardest experience I've had to endure. It truly hurts without you. I miss your hand in mind, your laughter and your smile. I miss your warm grey eyes looking deeply into mine. I also miss your arms around me holding me as if trying to protect me from the world's dangers. That meant more to me than anything when you would hold me.
I knew from the moment I met you that you were the one for me. I knew deep down even if I didn't say it out loud that you were my soul mate forever. You completed me and made me feel whole for the very first time ever in my life. You showed me more love, kindness and compassion than most people had shown me up until that point. I'll never forget that.
To know that you had to leave me hurt, but knowing that I'll never see you again is more pain than I can imagine or handle. There have been times when I dream of you while asleep. We're sitting beside one another, or you're holding me. I rejoice because I know I have you back. Soon though, your image fades and I awaken feeling that loss all over again. I cry every time, because I feel like I lost you all over again.
I love you with all of my heart, and I've loved you from the moment I saw you. I truly fell in love with you, and I still am. I'm more in love with you now than I ever have been before, and I would give anything to have one more second with you. I think of trying to come out and eventually find a boyfriend. I can hardly stand thinking about dating though. It's hard to think about, because I know it won't be you with whom I end up sharing my life.
Even if or when I find someone to be with, I know I'll never love them the way I love you. Deep down, I'll always want you, and that wouldn't be fair to the guy I end up dating. I don't know how to think past any of that though.
I'll leave things here for now. I don't know of anything more to say.
Love for ever, Nohea
0000
I was sobbing hard as I moved away from the computer after saving and closing the file. I got tissues and continued letting out my emotions. I began crying as I typed the last sentence and the closing to that entry and I was surprised that it hadn't happened sooner. The pain was really bad, and I wiped my eyes after my crying was done. Throwing away my tissues, I went over to my bed and lay down feeling more empty and heart-broken than ever.
0000
I felt the sensation of being unable to breath, and water was all around me. I didn't know what was going on, and I felt like I couldn't move! Hands pulled me from the water, and I was being laid flat on a hard surface. Now someone was performing mouth-to-mouth on me. Water gushed from my lungs and I was turned on to my side. The water flowed out of my mouth, and the scene then changed.
I felt a horrible slamming pain in the left side of my chest, and there was talking all around me.
"Damn it!" a male voice to my left yelled out. "Were' losing him again. Shock him again!"
"Still flat line!" another voice yelled from my right.
"We need to get his heart back in proper rhythm or we'll lose him for sure!" the first voice said. "Come on Pietro! Come back to us!"
"No, that's not my name!" I tried calling out, but it was only in my head!
He's back in sinus rhythm again," the woman's voice from my right called out. "I think he'll be alright for now."
"Intubate him now," the man on my left called out.
I felt something hard and plastic being shoved down my throat and still deeper! It felt horrible, and at this point I couldn't move!
Once again the scene flashed and I could feel myself moving. I heard a car engine, and from the noises all around me, I knew that I was in an ambulance! I still didn't know what had happened though, and I listened as the people around me talked.
"We have a 13-year-old white mail we're bringing in," one of the paramedics announced into the radio. "He has blond hair and grey eyes. According to the ID we found on him, his name is Pietro Roberts. He was found at the bottom of a swimming pool. His heart stopped two times as we've been on the road. He's intubated currently, and his heart is beating normally again."
"No!" I yelled out in my head! "I'm Nohea! I'm not Pietro! What is this!"
0000
I jerked away sitting up in bed as if shocked! Footsteps ran towards my room, and I heard my dad entering my room.
"Are you alright?" he asked sitting down and putting an arm around me. "I was sitting the groceries down on the kitchen table and when I looked into the hallway close to your room I saw you sit up quickly. Did you have a bad dream?"
"I'm not sure!" I said shaking, and feeling my shirt clinging to me uncomfortably.
I had clearly been sweating profusely as I slept, and my mind was still trying to make sense of the nightmare, vision or whatever the hell it was!
"I'll get another shirt for you to put on," my dad said.
"Thank you," I answered.
I changed shirts, and after making sure I could stand without falling I went into the kitchen. I got out a tea bag, and set to making a cup of tea for myself. When I asked dad if he wanted one, he said he was fine. Triston said he had his Pepsi he was enjoying. Once the tea was ready I sat down in the living room after putting a couple of things away that dad asked me to help with.
My dad joined me a few minutes later after making sure that Triston was fine in the kitchen chopping up the vegetables for the salad we would be having. I told my dad about the dream I had been having as best as I could. I told him about how it was as if I was Pietro, but I knew that I wasn't. He thought for a moment and put an arm around my shoulders.
"That does sound really frightening," he said pulling me closer.
"It was!" I said resting my head on his shoulder. "I don't know what it could mean if anything. Why would I dream something like that! It's not like it's real."
"I don't know either," my dad said. "Maybe you've been worried about Pietro for a while, and haven't quite realized it."
"That could be true," I answered. "I would have thought that since I've been missing him a lot that the dream would have had something to do with that, not me possibly seeing him be in danger or whatever that dream was supposed to mean."
"Dreams can really be some strange things to experience," my dad said.
"They definitely can be," I replied in agreement.
After dinner, Triston and I played a couple of games in his room, then I snuggled with him for a while as we watched TV. He lay on his side facing me with his arm around me, and his head was resting against my chest. I stroked his lovely thick soft hair for a while, and even while he was asleep I continued to hold him. I could tell how much Triston loved being around me, and he was a really amazing friend as well as a wonderful younger brother.
Soon I felt myself growing even more tired than I had been. I gently got out of bed, and after making sure Triston was covered up I leaned over him and kissed him on the cheek.
"I love you my little brother, always," I whispered.
I left the room closing the door gently after shutting off the bedroom light. After saying goodnight to our dad, I went in my room and after showering I got into bed falling asleep really fast.
0000
I was dreaming again. It felt so real though as I lay under the thin covers in the narrow bed. The beeping monitors were behind my head, and the thin IV tubing brushed my arm as a nurse injected something into the tube. I tried swallowing, but something blocked my airway. I started to say something, but that came out as a little hiss.
The nurse told me I was in the hospital, and had a tube down my throat that was helping me breathe. She also said that I had passed out in the swimming pool at my family's friend's house. Something about how I had hit my head when I must have attempted to exit the pool when everyone else was distracted with getting out. None of it made any sense. My family at least in so far as my dad, Triston and Aunt Beth were my family didn't have a friend with a pool. I had no idea what this woman was talking about. Everything went black at that moment, and I felt, heard and saw nothing.
0000
I jerked awake, and after checking the time on my iPhone I was shocked to hear that it was after 6:00 A.M. Getting out of bed, I went to the restroom and emptied my bladder. After returning to my room, I got back in bed and tried to make sense of the dream.
I remembered that the nightmare I had before was one where I was being called Pietro. That didn't make sense though, because I was me, I was Nohea. At least as far as I was concerned. Was I seeing something, or experiencing something through Pietro's body? Was I seeing something through his eyes? Why though? I didn't understand it. I did the best I could to put it out of my mind, and after turning on to my stomach I fell back to sleep this time with no dreams.
Author's Notes
You're all probably wondering what's going on with Nohea. You'll have to wait to find out. I hope you like how it turns out eventually. In the next chapter, Nohea will sit down with Alex and Chelsey. He'll be coming out to them, and you'll get to see how that turns out. I hope you like it. Having said all that, I hope you're all having a good evening. I'll see all of you in Chapter 12.