General disclaimer. Don't read if you know you shouldn't or doing so will offend you. Contains depictions of gay sex.
They say that decision making is all about weighing the risk with the return. They say the easiest decisions to make are those in which the return is far greater than the risk.
Denton- "I thought we were going fishing."
"Nope," Taylor replied to me. "We're going swimming." He was pouring himself a little cranberry juice inside half a glass of vodka. He added a twist of lime and turned around with a wide grin on his face.
"This is how we fish," Preston said. He was making himself a very potent mimosa. He passed Justin the bottle of champagne, who proceeded to take a long swig from the bottle. "We come out here every couple of weeks and get shitty. It's how we bond."
I laughed. Again, I felt like I was being initiated into their club. It was refreshing. I took the bottle of champagne from Justin and was about to take my own swig when Preston stopped me.
"I have a special drink for you," he said.
"Oh, my," I responded. Everyone was all smiles.
"You're always such a bartender," Justin sad. He and Taylor were getting ready to do a Gold Schlager shot.
I watched as Preston poured equal parts vodka, cranberry and orange juice and a splash of sprite. "It's the drink I made. Try it."
I did and it was the best thing I'd ever taken.
"I hope you like, Denton," Justin said from behind me. "Preston only makes those for people right before the clothes come off and the body shots start."
"Woohoo!" Taylor screamed, heading to the pool, ripping this shirt off. "Let the body shots start!"
Jesse- The first thing I did when I got home was call Furgy. I could have easily gone to his house and talked to him, but I didn't really feel like being around anyone right then. I think he sensed something was wrong because he kept the conversation short. Usually I had to come up with an excuse to hang up, but this time he said he was busy and he had to go. I hadn't gathered enough courage to tell him I'd seen Brooklyn, so I just decided to do it tonight at dinner. I felt like shit the rest of the day.
Zach- I heard it faintly at first, then louder and louder. Before I could blink, Charles was outside of my door, waking me and Shane up screaming, "I'm getting married. I'm getting married!"
He sounded elated, like a kid in a candy store. I didn't understand what he was saying at first, but as soon as it sunk in, I bolted upright, taking all the covers with me, and ran to the door. Shane lay in his briefs, curled up and waking up slowly.
"What the fuck is going on?" he yawned as I opened the door.
"You're what?!?"
"I," he said slowly. "Am getting married!" Charles' smile was huge. I'd never seen him show so much emotion before. He looked like he was going to die with excitement. "Oh my god," he said, probably realizing the magnitude of what he was saying as his entire demeanor changed. He retreated to the couch and sunk down. "Oh my god, Zach. I'm getting married."
"That's what you said. How did this happen?" I was in shock. Legitimate, pure, utter shock.
"Well me and Madison were having sex this morning," he began.
"Naturally."
"And we started talking." He noticed my face change. "I know. We're one of those couples that talks during sex, I guess. But he started talking about how old he was getting and I thought he was going to propose, so I was like `Oh shit, please don't propose.' And so he asked me to move in with him and when he did I felt a little disappointed. And he asked why I was disappointed and I had to tell him that I thought he'd propose and so he said we should get married eventually, not soon but eventually and I said ok and then he left and I realized that I... AM... GETTING... MARRIED!"
"You're what?" Shane asked coming into the room. He'd decided to put on a too-tight wife beater, but he'd neglected to put on a pair of shorts. Instead he decided to parade around in his little-boy briefs.
"This meat is officially off the market, boys," Charles said. I'd never seen him so excited. There wasn't a trace of nerves in his body. He was a completely different Charles than I'd met at the beginning of the year.
I couldn't help feeling a little bit jealous. I was the marrying kind, after all. I was supposed to be the Charlotte to his Samantha. He was supposed to have the sex. I was supposed to the relationships. I couldn't complain though, because what I had with Shane was great, and the only two people I'd come close to a lifetime commitment with had screwed me over like none other. So while part of me felt happy for Charles, another part couldn't help but be envious.
"When?" Shane was asking.
"Not sure," Charles replied. "We aren't even going to start planning it for at least a few years. I think Madison just needed a guarantee so that he didn't feel like he was wasting his time."
"Fair enough," I said.
"I guess," Charles said. "Imagine me- all settled down, a family man. Can you even picture that?"
I honestly couldn't. "I honestly can't," I said. "But I'm sure you'll be fine."
"Hopefully," Charles said. "God. If someone had told me this is where I'd be a year ago, I swear I would have sent them to the insane asylum. But it's weird. I actually love Madison and I didn't realize it until last night."
"What happened last night?" Shane asked.
"Yeah," I added. "What did happen last night? You were gone for a really long time."
"I got upset. Brooklyn's text was complete bullshit. Jesse could have sent it I guess, but when I showed up, the two of them were fucking right there and I flipped out. Brooklyn and I yelled a little bit and I just walked around campus for a while thinking. I didn't know what to think, but I eventually realized that I'd made the right choice."
There was a few minutes of complete silence as Charles sat there beaming.
"God," he said finally. "I can't believe this is real. I am actually going to spend the rest of my life with one person. How 18th century of me."
"I'm proud of you, Charles," I said getting up from the table and walking into the kitchen. I wasn't just saying it. I was proud of him. And happy for him. And thrilled. But there was still that tiny part of me that was some kind of jealous.
Denton- "Lets play truth or dare," Preston suggested.
"Ok," Taylor said sarcastically. "Let's play truth or dare... or why don't the two straight guys go ahead and pair off with a gay guy right now and get it over with."
"I call Justin," I said without even thinking. My tongue was looser than usual, but no one seemed to mind. Instead we all laughed.
It felt really strange to me just how much they were letting me into the club. It felt good to be a part of something that didn't involve fraternity or secret meetings. They eventually settled on playing Never Have I Have because it was the most fair game and it didn't involve any of the gay guys hitting on the straight ones.
"Never have I ever been in a three-some," was the first question. I took a drink along with Preston and Justin. Taylor was the only one who hadn't. Before Preston was set to go, he looked at me and cleared his throat.
"What?" I asked, confused. "I took a drink."
"I know, we all saw. Now you have to take off an article of clothes."
"Whoa," I said. I was starting to get a little tipsy but I wasn't drunk yet. "I've never played with those rules."
"Those are the `We're All Men Here' rules," Taylor said.
"Or the `Preston Wants to See Us All Naked' rules," Justin chimed in.
"So what's it gonna be?" Preston said. He was close enough to me to put one hand on my shorts and the other on my shirt. "Shorts or shirt?"
"I'll go with shirt," I said. And as Preston began lifting my shirt over my raised hands, I added, "I prefer to leave some to the imagination."
An hour later, we were all sloshed, I had confessed to doing way to many things and all of us were down to our underwear and socks. I was getting wasted with every passing drink and I knew I wasn't the only one.
"Never have I ever been in love," Taylor slurred. Preston drank. I raised my glass to drink, but decided that I hadn't been in love so I put my glass back down. Preston saw the entire thing and for some reason decided that I'd hesitated because of him.
"Well that's good to know," he said. He took off his last sock and stood up and went into the cabin. Taylor, Justin and I looked around a little confused. I didn't know what I'd done wrong and why Preston was flipping out.
"Should I go talk to him?" I asked. Taylor said no and instead he got up and went inside, leaving Justin and me outside.
"What was that about?" Justin asked.
"I honestly have no clue." I had no clue.
"He can't possibly be upset because you didn't drink that you'd ever been in love," Justin said. "But he probably is." Justin didn't seem worried. Instead, he nonchalantly layed down and crossed his hands behind his head. He started a country song I didn't know and I decided to go inside and find out what was happening.
I opened the door to the cabin slightly and heard Taylor and Preston talking in loud voices. I decided to gather as much as I could from just listening to what they were saying.
"You can't expect him to move as quickly as you, Preston," Taylor was saying. "He likes you, I know he does, but love is a completely different thing."
"But he thought about, Taylor. He thought about it but he chose to say no. He chose to not be in love with me."
"Pres, it isn't that simple. He's new to all this. Give him time. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be with you. But he is," Taylor was saying.
"I love him, Taylor. It's only been a few weeks, but I know. And I try really hard and it gets tiring when you're trying to make someone love you and they don't. How? How am I supposed to make him love me?"
"Don't do this, Preston," Taylor had moved in close and was giving Preston a hug. "You know what will happen if you push this. You'll push him away. I don't want to see you hurt like you were after Brody. Just let it go and let him take his time."
"I'm tired of waiting," Preston said defeated.
At this point, I walked in. They let go of their embrace and I noticed Preston wipe away a tear. Justin was still singing outside, his slurred words getting louder. I didn't say anything. What could I say? He loved me and I didn't feel the same way. Taylor had said everything way better than I ever could have and so I didn't know what I to say. Instead, I just walked toward Preston and took his head in my hand and kissed him as passionately as I knew how.
I held on to his head even after our lips parted and I was staring into his eyes.
"I want to say the words so badly," I confessed. "I want to tell you that I love you and I wish I could. But if I said them right now it would just be doing it to make you feel better. I can't say it until I mean it and I need you to be here until I mean it."
He didn't say anything for a while. Instead, he grabbed my head the way I was holding his and went in to kiss me. Afterwards, we looked into each other's eyes again and he said, "I need to know that you'll mean it eventually. I can't waste my time, Denton. I'll wait as long as you promise to mean it eventually."
And without saying anything, we both understood that I was too afraid to say it right then. No matter how I felt about Preston, it would take some time for me to get comfortable with the fact that I was falling for him. And for the first time, he understood that.
Zach- I realized I was getting into a rut. Charles was going around excited as ever about him and Madison. Shane had his own thing to do and Marco barely spent any time in the apartment at all.
And I was spending a Sunday alone at home, reading a book in my boxers in a rut. I didn't have any excitement. I wasn't doing fun things. I wasn't doing anything. I realized that my life had become home, school, sex with Shane and that was it. I had nothing to call my own. I was coasting.
And as soon as I looked up from my book and had that epiphany, the doorbell rang. I didn't even think to put on a pair of pants and I went to go answer it.
I almost fell backwards at what I saw at the door.
"Don't shut the door," Chris said. He put his hand on the side to keep me from closing it.
"You'll either leave here with a hand or without one, but I'm shutting the door," I said. I felt like he had so much nerve to show up at my house uninvited. This guy, of all guys. What was he doing here?
"Give me a chance," he said. He was stronger than me, so I let go of the door realizing I had no hope of closing it.
"What do you want?" I asked. My voice dripped with attitude. I was no longer in my rut. Now I was just pissed.
"I left her, Zach."
And I almost fell over again. Just as I thought that my life had become predictable, that everything always happened to someone else, I realized I wasn't predictable at all. I had him. I had this baggage that came from loving a married man for so long and I wasn't prepared to open that bag again. I felt a rush of different emotions: bitterness, anger, relief, excitement, guilt, joy and nervousness. I didn't know how to respond. How was I supposed to respond?
"I told her I was gay and that I was in love with a man," he continued. "And I packed my things and I left and I came here."
"What do you want me to say, Chris?" I asked. My mouth was dry and I realized I hadn't said anything in hours. It cracked. "What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know," he responded.
"That I'll take you back? That you're welcome here? That I still love you?"
"Do you?"
"I don't know," I said realizing I was shouting. "I don't know. How can you just show up here and ask me that?"
"Look, I didn't expect anything," he said.
"That's a lie," I said. I was cutting him off on every sentence. "That is a lie. You expect me to turn around and let you right back in."
"I didn't," he tried to say over me.
"You expected to start were you left off," I said, not letting him have a word in edgewise.
"Zach," he tried.
"I'm not in the same place, Chris. I'm seeing someone. I've made a decision to move on and you have absolutely no right to come here and force your love down my throat." I was oozing attitude and I had no way of stopping it.
"I left my wife for you," he said. He was raising his voice too.
"No you didn't. You did this for you and don't you ever pretend otherwise." My head was spinning. I was speaking faster than I could ever think and the words were coming way too fast.
"Zach, I love you. Still."
"Go, Chris. Just go." I could feel a tear coming down my face.
"Zach," he tried.
"Look, if you want a shot in hell of getting back with me, you will leave right now," I screamed. I was crying full force now and I didn't know what it was from. Why was I feeling like this?
"Zach, let me..."
"Get out! Get out Chris! I need to think and you have got to go."
And without saying anything, he turned and left. I closed the door behind him, turned around and slumped down on the floor feeling worse than I had since the day he told me he was marrying.
Jesse- "Where are we going to dinner, anyway?" he asked. I hadn't told him. I was too nervous. I decided to keep up my end of the bargain by taking Furgy to a restaurant I'd invited Brooklyn too earlier. The call had been awkward, but I got through it and our date was set.
"No where special."
"You've been acting strange," Furgy said as I opened the door to let him into the restaurant a few minutes later. We'd walked there in almost complete silence. I didn't respond and instead let the sight at our table speak for itself. I told the hostess we were meeting someone and a second after we turned the corner, I heard an audible gasp from Furgy and saw a smile the size of the Brooklyn bridge creep over Brooklyn's face. He got up and I detected a hint of a tear on his face and before I knew it, they were embracing. My job was done. I'd done my part and I realized that even though I'd done the right thing, I didn't feel any better about myself.
Charles- "I just bought the most amazing pair of jeans," I said as I got back to the apartment. I walked in and went straight for the common room. Zach was sitting on the couch alone.
"What's the matter?" I asked when I saw his face. He looked like he'd been crying.
"Nothing," he said. He wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. He was lying.
`Tell me," I replied.
"He left his wife, Charles. And he came here and he told me that he'd left her for me and that he wanted me back and I told him to leave," he was rambling, but I caught most of it. He had to have been talking about Chris.
"Oh my," I said.
"I know," he said. He was trying not to sound too sad or upset and I could tell he was desperately trying not to cry. "What... what am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know, Zach. I wish I knew what to tell you."
There was an awkward pause, a silence that I couldn't fill. I didn't know what to say. And so I just sat there next to him. And after a few minutes of neither of us speaking, the only sound in the room was that of Zach's periodical sniffs, I saw him stand up, walk to the phone and dial a number.
"Let's talk," he said and I knew he was talking to Chris.
I decided to leave the room and give the two of them a chance to talk about whatever they needed, so I grabbed a sweater and went out to the diner down the street for a cup of coffee.
I wasn't halfway there when I looked into a different restaurant's window and saw Brooklyn eating with a guy that looked to be about his age. He was laughing hard and giggling every few seconds. He kept touching the guy's arms and grinning widely. I cracked a smile at how happy he looked.
I kept walking and eventually got to the diner that sells dollar ice cream cones and coffee. Not a minute after I sat down did I hear a voice I never thought I'd hear again.
"Well, this is small campus," I heard. I turned to see Jesse standing above me. "Mind if I join?"
"I don't think that's such a good idea," I said.
"Really?" he replied. He sat down anyway. "I don't even know why we hate each other anymore, Charles. It's childish really."
"Childish how you texted me to come over and watch you get the shit fucked out of you by my ex-boyfriend."
"Exactly, Charles," he said. "He's your ex-boyfriend. Fair game."
"Whatever," I replied. I didn't have the strength to come up with anything witty at that point.
"If anything, I should still be mad at you," he said.
"Oh yeah?" I asked.
"Yeah. You're the one that stole my boyfriend and then dropped him for some other skuzzy city boy. Real classy, Charles."
"You wouldn't recognize class if it hit you in the balls," I replied.
"You left Brooklyn wounded."
"And lucky you had a band aid?" I said.
There was an awkward silence in which I wished he would stand up and walk away, sparing both of us. Then I realized I had a weapon that would floor him and I'd have to wait until the absolute best moment to pull out it.
"You know what, Jesse," I said. "I'm not even upset about any of it."
"Really?"
"Of course," I replied. "I'm over it. Like you said, Brooklyn and I are no longer together. You and him are free to be with anyone you please. I was being selfish."
He had a victorious look on his face.
"I'm sorry for calling you a slut earlier," I said.
"Whore," he corrected.
"Oh, whore. Sorry. And I think it's time I moved on. Thanks for this conversation."
"No problem, Charles. I'm just glad to see that we are both over our rivalry with each other and our insistence that Brooklyn be in the middle of it all."
"Yeah," I said. "We're adults now and we've both moved on." I paused before slowly adding, "Besides, I'm engaged to Madison. You and Brooklyn are just the past."
I saw his face drop as soon as I said `engaged' and I erupted with laughter inside.
"Oops," I said quickly. "Madison and I were planning on keeping it quiet for a while. Oh well, I naturally let it slip to my ex-roomate. It's like old times." He was still reeling. "Well, I have to run. Bye Jesse. I hate to leave you alone, but I have things to do." And I hung on to the word `alone' for as long as I could, adding insult to injury. I got up slowly, smiled at him, left a dollar for my coffee and left.
I hoped that Jesse finally realized I would always win, no matter what the game.
Zach- I made it painless and quick. I didn't hesitate. I didn't analyze. I just did it, like ripping off a band aid. I knew it would hurt him and I knew he would get over it eventually. I told him the truth- I had to. It wasn't in me to cheat, so when Shane came home that night, this is the conversation we had.
"Shane," I began. "Chris called. He left his wife and he wants to see if he and I can make it work."
"So what does that mean?"
"I guess it means that you and I should go on some kind of break or something," I said. I was trying my best to be gentle, but I could feel my own tears starting to form. "I'm sorry, Shane, it's just that he and I," I began before he cut me off softly.
"I understand," he said. I tried to say something but he repeated "I understand and stood up and edged away from the bed."
"I can't wait for you, Zach," he said softly again.
"I know, and I can't expect you to."
And that was the end of the conversation. And I woke up the next morning bright and early because I was meeting Chris for breakfast and noticed that half the room was empty and all of Shane's things were gone and I was kind of alone. I shed a little tear before going to take a shower.
They say that decisions can be both difficult and easy to make. They say the easiest decisions to make are those were the return is much greater than the risk.
Comments and feedback welcome at Heavensforlife@aol.com