Author's Notes***
I know, I know, I'm sorry it took me so long, and I have no excuses -- only facts -- I'm lazy! So I'm to blame... though take it out on MattHunter. He's been pissing me off not posting the rest of his story. And pester DLS cause Matt's not gonna post it until DLS is done with Brian & Me.
I gotta say THANK YOU to MH, cause if it weren't for him, you wouldn't be reading this story in a legible format. I owe him a lot, and I can never express all my gratitude towards him. You're the bestest! (And you know I mean it!)
I gotta give mention to a story Kevin & Justin, written by Pete. I fell upon it by having the same editor (go figure), and can't get enough of it. C'mon Boo, when's the next chapter coming out?
I want to thank all of y'all who got off your lazy asses, dished out some cash and bought the new 98 Degrees album REVELATION. It's truly a remarkable display of their talent, and well worth the price. (And you cheap asses takin' from Napster, get out there and support my men, BUY IT!)
Sad to say, yes it's true Drew married. He's finally tied the knot with his high school sweetheart Lea. Though it shatters my dreams of him being gay, I know (in my dreams) that he's at least bi. I wish them both the best of luck, and hope their relationship remains strong through the trials and tribulations that will be set forth. CONGRATS DREW! (Yeah, like he's even reading this.)
You know the rules... don't read if you ain't allowed, this is fake, my fantasies... yeah, there. Enjoy and write me: bigdaddycool_0813@hotmail.com
THIS GIFT - Last Time*********
Shaking slightly from a chill, I subconsciously crawled under the covers. My man soon crawled in beside me, wrapping his arms around me - the warmth formerly provided by clothes, returning. I sighed into his chest and quickly fell back asleep with a smile glued on my face.
It seemed like only minutes had passed when I heard someone scream, "What the FUCK is this?" I knew that voice... it was Drew's, and it wasn't coming from in bed with me...
THIS GIFT - Chapter 7*********
Opening my eyes, I allowed them to adjust to the sudden light before taking in the image of Drew and Lance at the door of my bedroom, completely shocked. 'This can't be good,' I thought, as I slowly began to turn to see who my mystery guest was.
Finally turning my head completely to the right, I came across the sleeping form of JC. 'How can he sleep through Drew's screaming, and what the FUCK is he doing in my bed?' Too many thoughts were flying around in my head, and I hadn't a clue what to say. I sat there in my bed, mouth agape.
"Drew, I honestly don't know what's happening." I said, shock clear in my weak voice.
"Oh, I know what happened alright. You wanted to come home early so you could fuck JC! I understand completely!" He was truly angry, and I couldn't blame him. Here I was, in my bed, with another man, that I didn't love. Lance stood by his side, obviously upset. Tears were building in his eyes - destroying me inside. I wanted answers, no, I needed answers.
With the back of my hand, I smacked JC in the side of the head. "Wake up. We got some talking to do!"
"Gimme a couple of minutes," he groaned.
"No! Get the fuck up NOW!" I yelled.
With the anger clear in my voice, he awoke without a second thought. "We'll leave you two alone." Drew said, pulling Lance behind him. I was shocked. I thought Drew trusted me. It would've hurt less had Drew stabbed me with a dagger - straight through the heart.
"What's wrong?" JC asked, still half asleep.
"You! What are you doing in my bed?" I asked coldly.
"Huh?"
"You are in my bed. Do you mind telling me why the fuck you are?" I was being rude, but at this point, I didn't care. He deserved it.
"Last night, I was coming to pick up Lance's jeep for him, as a favour. Well, as a favour for both of us. You see... well..." JC began to stutter.
"Well what?" I demanded, annoyed with his delaying the explanation.
"You wouldn't understand." JC said looking down at his hands, fidgeting with the sheets.
"Try me." I said with a sigh. 'This had better be good,' I thought. I couldn't help but be angry with him; he was the cause of Drew's anger towards me. Things were just going good...
"Well... you know the other day... when you were looking at the box that Maria gave you?" I nodded. "Well..." JC let out a breath I hadn't known he was holding. Whatever he was about to say was taking a lot of courage. "I like you! There, I said it. When you were looking through those things, and you said that you won that bear because of the one kiss from Maria, and you fell in love with Maria that day... well... I figured you could love me if I gave you a kiss."
"Oh fuck me," I whispered.
"What?" JC inquired.
"JC, I'm flattered, but you know I'm involved. I'm happy with Drew. I love Drew. Any guy would be lucky to have you. I would be lucky to have you, but... I can't. I'm... ugh! Why does this have to be so hard?"
"I understand. Really, I do." JC said, still looking down. My heart really ached for the guy. Placing my index finger under his chin, I slowly raised his head to look him in the eye. His eyes looked like two pools of water - filled with tears - reminding me of Lance. Lance had to be crying in the other room with Drew. 'Fuck, why me? Why me?' I couldn't help but ask myself the question that had been plaguing my mind for every single mishap and misunderstanding that had happened to me.
"JC, what's wrong with Lance?" I asked, while wiping at his tears with my thumbs. He leaned into my touch, closing his eyes. It hurt me to see him in such pain. The battles he must've been fighting with himself...
"I like Lance... I really do. But I liked you more. When Lance announced that he was gay, I hated him. I hated him because he had enough courage to come forward. I would never have the strength to do that. It hurt me to shun him like that, but I felt if I gave him support, that I'd be outing myself - something I wasn't ready to do."
"I understand. So, would you be willing to give Lance a chance? JC, he cares about you, a lot - I can tell. You should've seen how crushed he was when he walked in with Drew and saw you in bed with me. Ten bucks says he's in the other room crying his eyes out as we speak."
"You think so?" JC asked, composing himself slightly. I just nodded, deciding we had talked enough, and figured it was time to take the bull by the horns, and go to talk to the others.
"C'mon, we got some more talking to do." With that, I lead the way down the stairs to my living room where Drew and Lance were waiting. And I was right - Lance had been crying.
Walking into the room, Drew got up from the sofa and embraced me in a hug. "I'm sorry baby. I know I can trust you; I just got a little jealous at first. I know you didn't do anything with him... did you?" There was a little doubt in the end of his sentence, but I was so relieved he was cool I didn't have time to feel upset that he'd doubted me.
"No, I didn't," I stated simply, rubbing my hands up and down his back. "But we gotta talk, all of us." I indicated everyone in the room. I grabbed a seat with Drew on the sofa, while JC dropped down beside Lance on the love seat.
We sat in silence for a good five minutes before anything was said. The tension was definitely thick and I knew if we were going to get this conversation going, I would have to start it. "So, um... I think JC has something he'd like to say, to explain what you saw."
JC looked at me - uncertainty clearly expressed - before taking a deep breath and beginning his explanation. "First off, you gotta remember back to when we met Andrew for the first time, at his party. He amazed me. He was just everything that I could've wanted, could've asked for. I was in complete awe.
"I wasn't expecting to see him again, so I left the feelings I had on the down low. Then, we saw him again, a couple of nights ago when he was there with his box of memories. Remember how he said he had won that bear because of one kiss from Maria?" JC looked at Drew, then Lance, both of whom nodded in confirmation.
"And then I asked him, 'So, all it took was a quick kiss, and you managed to win the bear?' and I still remember his answer, clear as day, 'Yup, pretty much.' I figured that if I could just give him one kiss, like Maria, I'd be in. I never thought of anything else... I rarely ever do.
"So, when I told you I would go and get your jeep as a favour," he directed towards Lance, "I was hoping that I'd get my chance to kiss him. I didn't. I came in and saw him on the couch - so peaceful and with a smile gracing his lips - I couldn't do it. I knew he was happy the way he was. That's why I took him to his bed and figured if I couldn't get my kiss, I'd at least get to sleep beside him. Maybe feel like he did want me, kinda.
"I never meant to hurt anyone. Not you, Drew, and especially not you, Lance. Lance, you mean so much to me and I do like you. It's just when you came forward, telling us you were gay... I got upset. I wanted to be like you and have the courage to come out. I wanted to proclaim who I was from the rooftops, but I can't. I'm not as strong as you are -- I'll probably never be.
"I'm so sorry this happened. I've fucked up, I know I have, and I understand if neither of you wants to even look at me anymore. Just please know that I am sorry, and don't blame Andrew - he didn't know anything about this until he woke up. It's all my fault."
JC once again went to looking down at his hands. Silence. Nothing was said as JC desperately waited for a reply - any reply. Drew was first to speak. "JC, I'm not mad at you. I'm not gonna lie; I was upset, but not anymore. I trust D, and I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me like that. When I came into the room, and saw that... I didn't know what to think. I'm glad you didn't try anything with him, and even though nothing really happened, it's gonna take me a bit before I let things go back to the way they were. I hope you understand."
JC just nodded, veering his attention over towards Lance. This was the one that was gonna hit home the most for JC, so I prayed for the best. Lance looked into JC's eyes, peering at his soul, searching for any sign of lies. "JC... you like me?" The question was asked with such hesitation - Lance was still unsure of what to say.
Smiling, JC answered, "Yes Lance, I like you."
"Like like-me-like-me?" Lance reiterated.
"Yes Lance, I like-you-like-you."
Lance smiled, happy with the news, but his smile soon faded, and his face turned cold. "You asshole! You made me feel like shit, and for what? FOR NOTHING!" Lance stormed out of the room, up the stairs and presumably into the bathroom yet again.
"Let me go talk to him," I said getting up and making my way up the stairs. 'Damn, this is becoming like a fucking soap opera!' Finally reaching the bathroom door, I knocked.
"Andrew, I don't wanna talk right now... just let me be." Lance's muffled reply came from the other side of the door.
"C'mon Lance, lemme in. Please?" I could hear Lance sigh, and then unlock the door. This was becoming a routine with Lance and I, having powwows in the bathroom. It was actually quite interesting.
As soon as I was through the door and Lance had closed it again, I was embraced into a hug. Lance was upset, that was evident, but I just couldn't really grasp why. I'm slow on some things, alright?
"He made me feel like shit. He wouldn't even look at me, but now he thinks that just by saying he likes me that everything will 'magically' be back to the way they were? He's gotta be kidding himself."
I understood what Lance was saying, and I felt bad for him. The one he truly wanted, he didn't want at the moment because that someone had hurt him. Life sucked a lot of times, especially at times like this. I knew the only way both would be happy would be with each other, they just had to realise it themselves.
"Scoop, look, you gotta just give him a chance to make up for past wrong- doings. Everyone makes mistakes, you've made your fair share of them, too, I'm sure."
Lance sat on the toilet, and looked at me wide-eyed. "You called me Scoop." Apparently that shocked him. I really didn't see why, since it was a well-known nickname, but he thought it to be.
"Lance, I do read magazines, you know. Anyone who thinks you're a hottie would have to know your nickname. I told you before, I had a crush on you for the longest time. Of course I know a little 'bout you. So, you gonna give JC a chance to make things right?"
Lance just looked up at me, trying to find any reason to disagree with me, but couldn't find one. With a sigh, he reluctantly stated, "Yeah, I'll give him a chance. I really don't see why I shouldn't... and he did say he liked me." Lance's serious expression soon faded, bringing light to a beautiful smile that illuminated the bathroom.
"So, I'm gonna go. You stay here, I'll send in JC and let you guys talk. K?" With Lance's nod, I left the bathroom in search of JC. Alright, so I'm an impatient person, as soon as I passed the door frame, "JC!"
"Yeah?" JC yelled back from the living room.
"C'mere!" Without having to say anymore, JC was quickly bounding up the stairs. Meeting me in the hallway, I explained that Lance wanted to talk to him, so he almost ran to the bathroom, obviously overjoyed.
I stood at the head of the stairs until I saw JC disappear behind the door, and then made my way down to my sexy man. After all this problem-solving business, I really missed him. All of this, and it wasn't even past seven in the morning. I really wasn't looking forward to the rest of the day - the funeral service. Funerals always made me uncomfortable; the whole atmosphere of death was always something that lingered in the air for days afterward.
As I made my entrance to living room, I was graced to see my man... sleeping. I guess he was as tired as I was. Glancing at the clock once more, I decided that I had enough time for a nap before I had to be dressed and ready for Maria's final big day. Crawling in beside Drew on the couch, I nestled into him - my head on his chest - before falling asleep soundly.
I awoke to something shifting under me. Rubbing my eyes and allowing them to adjust to the light, I realised what it was: Drew. With a smile on his face, he looked up at me and in his sexy morning voice said, "G'morning sweetie."
I swear, I could've jumped him right there. He was just so... irresistible. Craning my neck, I went in for a kiss. What I was hoping to be a passionate kiss, turned out to be a peck when Drew pulled back, "You, my friend, have morning breath."
Though it was mildly insulting, he said it with such compassion I could only take lovingly. He had a way of making bad things sound good. Just as I was about to ask him something, his cell phone rang, interrupting our little silent time. Sometimes I had to curse technology - it always interrupted the good moments.
With a sympathetic look on his face, Drew pulled his cell out of his pocket and pressing the 'send' button, began his conversation. "Yeah? Hey Nick... no just woke up. Today?! But... yeah. Hold on, I'll check."
I was so content listening to him talk that I zoned out. I didn't even realise that he was talking to me until he began to gently shake my shoulders. "Sweetie... sweetie..."
Finally I snapped out of my reverie to answer him, "Eh?"
Drew just laughed at my clueless moment, "Sweetie, what time is the service?"
"Um, the continued wake is from 11:00 to 2:00, and then we go to the church for the memorial service at 2:45. Why?"
Drew held up a finger indicating he'd explain in a second, going back to his conversation. "Yeah, 2:45. Is there a later one? But can't we... but... couldn't we... Fuck!"
The frustration in Drew's voice was starting to ping my curiosity. Why was he so annoyed? With a sigh, he ended his conversation with Nick and looked down on me with a look of... pain? Sorrow? Sympathy?
"What's wrong Drew?" worry clear in my voice. Tears started to well up in his eyes. I knew what was coming, "You can't make it to the service, can you..."
"I'm sorry. Management has called a meeting... an emergency meeting. I have no choice but to go. The meeting's at 5:00, but we leave at noon, cause they have us doing something else before the meeting. Nick pleaded for some time, but they wouldn't give. That's how I know they mean business. You know I'd stay with you if I could..."
I silenced him by placing a finger to his lips. I could tell he truly felt bad by the way he was rambling on. As much as it hurt me to know I'd be going through this without Drew physically beside me, there was no other choice. "I understand. But I gotta get ready now; I can't be late."
I got up, stretched, and then walked up the stairs, heading to my room. Opening my door, I came upon two *N SYNCers, snuggled closely together, in my bed. 'At least they knew to give me the bathroom so I can shower.' I grabbed a towel from off my dresser, and headed to the bathroom.
I showered quickly. I didn't want to waste any time, as I was already pushing it. My little nap was a little longer than I expected; I must've really been comfortable. After towelling off, I realised that I had forgotten a change of clothes.
Wrapping the towel around my waist, I exited the bathroom, and walked to my closet to rummage around for appropriate attire for the day. I looked around, making a fair share of noise as things fell from shelves and whatnot. While looking, my towel had dropped from my waist and I just didn't bother to pick it up.
After a while, I found what I wanted to wear, picked it out of the closet and turned to go place it on my bed. That's when I noticed the two perverts who had been staring at my ass, while I rummaged through my closet, and now stared at me in all my glory, as I stood frozen in shock before them.
Finally, what was going on clicked in and I quickly covered myself with the clothes I was going to wear. "Oh, did ya like the free show, you pervs!" I exclaimed.
"Nice ass!" they replied in unison.
With my cheeks flushing, I made a quick exit to the bathroom, so that I could get dressed away from these perverts' eyes. I had done my routine in record time - I wanted to get ready as fast as I could so I could spend what little time with Drew I had left.
Returning to the bedroom, my eyes fell upon Lance and JC making out like animals in my bed. It was disgusting, to see them savagely preying upon each other. Passing them an odd look, I silently headed for the door to go and see my awaiting Prince Charming.
After my descent down the stairs, I searched around the lower floor for Drew, but didn't find him anywhere. As I walked into the kitchen, I noticed a note on the table. My perkiness flew out the window; I knew it was from Drew. Picking it up, it was indeed what I had suspected:
Andrew, I'm sorry I couldn't stay. The guys came to pick me up while you were in the shower. I had to leave, we were going to miss our flight. I'm sorry I can't be with you physically for the service, but you know I'm there with you in your heart. The *N SYNC guys are still gonna be there as far as I know. I know you and Lance get along well, so I'm sure he'll be there for you. I'll call you tonight. Miss me while I'm gone, love always, Drew
My eyes filled up with tears as I realised I had no clue when I'd get to see him again. That was the only problem with Drew's career - the long-term distancing we'd have to put up with. I missed him already and there was probably another three months to this loneliness. I sighed, wiping at my tears just as JC walked into the kitchen in search of his salvation: coffee.
"What's wrong, D?" JC asked noticing the tears.
"Drew had to leave..." I didn't have to explain any further than that. JC was in the same business as Drew and knew the restraints stardom put on a relationship. Being gay only added to the complexity of the situation. It tore me up to have to keep things secret; I could only imagine how Drew must've been feeling.
I wiped at my eyes, removing the tears. I had to be strong, it was a special day for Maria, and I couldn't let her see me down. I was happy with Drew, no need for crying. JC grabbed me into a hug, running his hands in circles on my back in a soothing manner. I grabbed onto JC as if he were a lifeline, not wanting to let go. He whispered reassurances in my ear, all while I cried onto his shoulder. Every minute away from Drew felt like a moment closer to death.
I jolted awake, roused from my slumber by the doorbell. Oh how I hated mornings! I trudged my way to the front door, trying to make myself presentable in the process. Taking a quick glance at a clock before I rounded the corner leading to the hallway, I noticed that it was just after 11:00 in the morning.
Unlocking and opening the door revealed a courier clad in an ugly brown suit. I never understood why they had to wear hideous looking clothes; you can look good and still look professional. After exchanging pleasantries, he passed me a thick, very official looking envelope. Glancing at the front of it I noticed two things: the first being that it was from Universal Records, the second that it was late. It should've made it to my house about a week ago.
"Could you please sign here, sir?" the courier asked.
Being shaken from my thoughts, I looked at the man. "Excuse me, you know this is a week late, don't you?"
"Is it?" The man had a look of complete shock on his face. Either he didn't know, or he was a damned good liar. He looked at the date marked on the priority sticker. "It must've got lost at the post office. Hope it wasn't anything important."
I shrugged my shoulders, and signed the electronic form the courier held forth for me. After closing the door, I made my way back into my kitchen, envelope in hand. As I entered the kitchen, the phone rang. Throwing the envelope on the table, I pivoted to the right, grabbing my cordless in the process. "Hello?"
"Sweetie, are you still coming over for lunch?" It was my mom. I had forgotten that I had made plans to go and see her for a 'lunch-date', you know to catch up on everything.
"Shit, mama I almost forgot, let me get ready and I'll be right over." After hanging up the phone, I dashed up the stairs for the shower. Standing under the steady stream of hot water, I began to think about the past.
It had been a year - give or take a week - since Maria's service. I had just been to visit her grave and placed flowers on it Saturday passed. The service was touching for lack of better wording. The *N SYNC guys had somehow changed things around so they could sing Amazing Grace, instead of the choir of old ladies. It was incredible to hear them harmonise in the confines of the old building. Maria deserved such a blessing to have them there that day, singing in her honour.
These guys were the greatest. After the service, when all I wanted was to be alone, they each took turns alternating every hour to keep me occupied and having fun. Though I had already had a level of closeness with Lance, it became more profound that day. I truly felt a friend in him for life. Surprisingly I got along really well with Justin; I really liked his goofy, carefree attitude - it was just what I needed at the time. They eventually had to leave, but we've kept in touch.
I've talked to Drew every night on the phone, and seen him maybe once a month - if I was lucky. Come to think of it, I never did find out what that emergency meeting was about or how it went. I really missed Drew and he missed me; that's what he told me every night.
He had been busy with the guys working on a new album. He didn't tell me much about it, just that it was called "Revelation", and that it was going to be very different from their other albums. As always, I supported him through it, especially when times got hard and he thought the whole album was gonna be scrapped. There had been many a night where I was on the phone until the wee hours of the morning assuring him that everything would work out.
By this time in my little dreamland, I had already finished my shower and was just pulling up in my mother's lane way. I turned off the ignition and made my way to the door, where my mother had already been standing, holding the door for me.
After kissing me on the cheek - like she always does - I walked into my mom's house and my childhood memories. Following her to the kitchen, we sat down and talked about nothing for a bit while the food she was preparing finished cooking. Once the food was finished, and she had served it, we began our conversation again, reminiscing about things here and there. Like a bombshell, a thought dropped on my lap.
"Mama?"
"Yeah, Hun?" she turned serious, hearing the tone of my voice. She knew that meant something was bugging at me.
"I have something to tell you..." I trailed off, leaving her in suspense.
"Honey, what is it?" Worry was evident in her voice.
"Mama, remember when I was living here, and I read those stories..." She nodded her head, indicating she did. "Remember how you asked me if I was gay, and I told you I wasn't?" Again she nodded. "Well, I'm not gay."
"Alright?" Mama was confused, and she had every right to be. I didn't clarify anything.
"Mama, I'm not gay. I'm bi."
She sat there, a look of confusion still prominent. "That means I like both boys and girls." I said, hoping to clarify things a bit.
"I know what bi means!" She practically screamed. I winced at the tone of her voice - she didn't like it when people thought she didn't know something. "So, who is it?"
"Huh?" It was my turn to be confused.
"I said 'Who is it'. He better be damn good looking."
A smile crept across my lips - I was about to reveal my boyfriend to my mom. This was something to be written in my 'Baby's first... book'. With great pride, I began my revelation. "Mama, remember how I always listened to music before going to school. Do you remember the music group I listened to?"
"Ninety Degrees?"
I chuckled, not much had changed, mama never got names right. "Ninety- Eight Degrees, mom. Ninety-Eight Degrees. Anyways, you remember the guys?"
"Nope." I had another chuckle - at least she was being honest. I jumped up and headed to my old bedroom. Mama had left it the way it was since I had left. Grabbing one of my old 98 Degrees CD's, I headed back to the kitchen and placed the CD before her.
"Take your pick."
Mama looked at the CD cover for while, before opening the case, pulling out the liner notes and further examining each man. I could just imagine my mom sitting on a bench shopping for a boyfriend for me. She looked totally occupied, like she was examining their features and breaking each one of the men down to see who she thought was the best for me. After glancing at their photos, she quickly turned to their thank-yous. Finally, after a full five minutes, she pointed to Drew.
A smile crossed my face. "Yup."
"You've got taste: hold on to him."
I spent the rest of the day with my mom, just maxin' and relaxin', shooting the breeze. I never realised how much I had missed spending time with my mom.
Walking through my door, I threw the keys to my van on the table just inside the door. Kicking off my shoes, I walked to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. When I was young, Mama and I used to have competitions on who could eat the spiciest food, usually eating nachos with suicide-like salsa. Tonight we decided to have just such a competition. I wasn't about to lose by telling her I needed some water, so I was in desperate need for a glass.
I guzzled down at least three glasses before the fire on my tongue was doused. After a contented yawn, I looked down at the table, seeing the envelope the courier had delivered earlier. Picking it up, I walked to the living room and turned on the TV. Being just after 11:00 at night, the news was on. I never really watched the news, but was planning on checking out the contents of the envelope so I opted to leave it on.
Just as I began peeling back the sealed flap, I overheard the reporter on the TV. "And some sad news for those teen girls out there, yet another hottie in the music industry has been removed from the market after a member from the boy- band 98 Degrees tied the knot yesterday, we'll find out who after this..."
"Bout time Nick asked Jessica." I said to myself, pulling out the stack of papers. Looking at the first page, I realised something official was in store for me. After reading the cover letter, I had learned this package was from Drew's manager. Apparently he had learned of our relationship and was going to make sure I didn't fuck things up. I had to sign this contract of secrecy and send it back to them as soon as I had finished - the cost was on them, how generous.
Sighing, I picked up the stack, and began reading through the contract. Three paragraphs into the contract, I realised that I hated contracts. "What's wrong with the English language, would it be too hard to write?" I rhetorically asked myself aloud.
My attention was diverted from the packet of papers at the sound of some familiar voices. It was a clip of a new 98 Degrees video. Seeing my man on TV brought a smile to my face. God, how I missed him! "Sorry to say girls, but Drew Lackey of 98 Degrees married his high school sweetheart, Lea, yesterday. I'd tell you which one he is, but I don't even know. KTLA wishes them both the best of luck."
I sat there, in shock for a second. Once the shock had passed through my body, I threw the contract across the room, swearing at the TV. "It's Lachey you dumb bitch! Not Lackey, LA - SHAY!" I started to pace the room, not knowing what to do. A ringing from the coffee table brought me somewhat out of my enraged state. "Hello?"
"Honey, I thought you said Drew was your boyfriend?" I guess my mom had seen the news as well.
"He is, or so I thought. I'm going to figure things out, once and for all. Talk to you later mama, I love you."
I hung up the phone, tears falling from my tired eyes. I was too tired for this shit. I glanced at the clock, it was a quarter to midnight and I was expecting Drew to call me soon. I decided to just sit and cry awaiting his call. Not even five minutes later, the phone began ringing again. "Hi," I said exasperated.
"Drew, did you break up with Drew?" It was Martha. At this point I was glad only a handful of people knew I was with Drew, or I would have been up all night accepting calls about this news brief.
"Nope... but I think I will."
"You saw it too?"
"Yeah, I saw it. Martha it's a complete shock to me. I just talked to him last night... last night for God's sake!" Hurt was oozing through the phone.
"He didn't say anything?"
"FUCK NO!"
Just then, a thought occurred to me. I remembered the courier saying 'Hope it wasn't anything important.' I silently cursed the mail system, and was sure to call and give them a piece of my mind tomorrow. Just then I heard a beep indicating I had someone calling me on the other line.
"Martha, thanks for calling, but I have another line so I'll let you go, k?"
"Alright, but call me if you need anything." She always made sure I knew she was there for me.
"I will sexy, g'night."
I had pushed the call-waiting button to switch over lines; secretly hoping it would be my mom again. Something just made me wish it was her; I needed motherly comforting at the time.
"Hi?"
'FUCK! It's Drew!' I exclaimed in my head. "Hi." My voice was devoid of emotion.
"Sweetie, what's wrong?"
"Don't 'sweetie, what's wrong me', you hear! WHAT THE FUCK is going on?" I was through playing games.
"What do you mean?" Either he was playing dumb, or he had no idea the news had found out.
"You're fucking married! That's what I'm talking about!" I shouted into the mouthpiece.
"Oh that... let me explain."
"What's to explain... is it true, are you married?" I was choking on my tears. A knife had been stabbed right through my heart.
"Well, yeah."
"Then what's to fucking explain?!?" I slammed the phone down into its cradle. "FUCKING ASSHOLE!!" I screamed, echoing throughout the house. I slumped down onto the couch, and cried myself to sleep.
I awoke to someone pounding on the door. 'Why is it I'm always getting woken up by the fucking door!' I ripped open the door, ready to tear into whoever it was. That thought soon faded as I collapsed into Nick's arms. He ran his arms up and down my back, hugging me in return.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, extremely happy he was, yet shocked at the same time.
"I had a talk with Drew last night..." From the sound of his name, my smile dropped and my stare became cold. "D, you don't understand."
"Nick, what's to fucking understand!" I screamed. Just then, a taxi pulled up the driveway, and Lance got out. Now I was completely confused. "Lance," I began when he got closer, "whatcha doin' here? Aren't you recording?"
"Yeah... but I couldn't just let you go through this alone; though I didn't know Nick was gonna be here." He grabbed Nick up into a hug, before throwing himself into my arms. It felt good knowing that I had friends who truly cared about me, though I didn't know whether Nick was here for me or for Drew.
"Thanks Lance. You have no idea how much it means to me." I pulled him tighter to me, showing him I truly did appreciate his gesture. "Now let's go inside, the last thing I need is a riot because I've got two incredibly sexy boy-band members on my front door step."
They both agreed. I grabbed both Lance and Nick's bags and brought them in, setting them on the floor in the living room - next to the contract I had thrown the night before. I smiled while turning to face them. Locking eyes with Nick, then Lance, I broke down. I was in such internal pain. Drew didn't love me... he was married... and to a girl!
Nick wrapped me up in a hug; I always felt so safe and secure in his arms. I loved Nick - he was always there to pick up the pieces once I had scattered them. I sobbed into his chest while he rubbed circles on my back. It surprised me how he knew that soothed me almost instantly. He didn't try to say anything, didn't rock me back and forth; he just stood there with me in his arms, rubbing circles on my back.
A couple of minutes later, Lance came back with a mug in his hands. "Here, drink this. It'll make you feel better." He offered the mug forward with pleading eyes.
"Oh my Poofu," I said, raising my hands to cup his face. I seriously sounded delusional, but Lance didn't say a word. His facial features betrayed his silence, but I was grateful he didn't say anything. He just leaned into my touch, kissing the palm of my hand. I had no clue what the gesture was supposed to mean, but figured it was just an attempt to cheer me up.
"Drink this," this time he grabbed my hands from his face, and placed them around the mug. "Then we're gonna go out," he indicated Nick and myself, "and have some fun. It's not everyday I get to hang out with two really good friends when I should be recording."
I took a sip of the tea, 'Just the way I like it - Lance learns fast.' "Hey, aren't both of you supposed to be recording?" I inquired.
"Yeah, but you know why I'm here. That and the guys practically forced me to come, especially JC." Lance filled me in, making sure I knew I had the others' support behind me as well.
"I'm supposed to be, but I wouldn't have been able to record with my mind somewhere else. And with Drew's present condition, we can't record anyways," Nick explained his position.
"Drew's condition? What condition?" I immediately became worried - my baby was in trouble. All anger I felt for him disappeared for a brief moment.
"He's emotionally distressed. It's been a hard week for him. He knew you'd take this hard, that's why he didn't tell you about it. He didn't think the press would get a hold of it. He wanted to tell you, really, he did." Nick defended his little bro.
"That still doesn't excuse the fact that he didn't tell D," Lance surprised me by stepping in. "They're a couple, they're together. How can you hide something like getting married, to someone else, from the one you love?"
"I don't know!" Nick exclaimed with frustration. "This is all management's fault. That emergency meeting last year was about this whole gay thing. I'm sick of this shit. My career's in danger because of my little bro's sexual preferences. My life's in his hands. Management tried to cover it up with a marriage, and things fuck up more. Why can't I just have a fuckin' normal life? That's all I ask!"
Tears came to my eyes; Nick was being callous. I never realised how much he and Drew were alike. When they were mad, anything came out. "I'm sorry I love your brother, I'm sorry I'm not in love with a girl, I'm sorry for your career, and I'm sorry if I've caused you any problems. Drew's made it clear he wants a 'normal life', let him have it. You don't have to worry about anything anymore. Just forget I even fucking exist!" The last sentence was said with such anger that I even scared myself.
I looked at their shocked faces before pivoting and heading for the door. Just as I was slamming it shut, I heard Lance scold Nick, "Good one!" I stormed my way down my street, heading for the park. I just wanted to sit on the edge of the pond, and lose myself in the calmness of the water. I was thankful it was a beautiful day, the sun shining down on my closed eyelids as I lay back in the grass relaxing me somewhat.
I needed to talk to someone desperately, someone who would listen. I knew just the person. Jumping up, I ran to the bus that had just pulled up to the bus stop. Jumping on and paying the fare, I quickly sat down wishing the driver would go faster - the bus always seemed to take longer when you were in a hurry to get somewhere.
Jumping off, I bolted to my destination: Maria's grave. I had visited Maria almost every day, save for times when I just couldn't make it. I sat down in a familiar spot, running my fingers over the letters on her tombstone.
"Maria, I don't know what to do. I wish you were here. Remember how last week I was telling you I thought something was wrong with Drew? Well I found out: he got married. How could he get married without even telling me? I love him - I can't lose him.
"I just got into an argument with Nick. I told him Drew should forget about me, so he can have his 'normal life' that he wants. Maria, I didn't choose this, it just kinda happened this way. God wanted it for me this way, right?
"My life is falling apart. Things were just going good. I told mama about Drew and she was so accepting, and then this. She knows too... she saw the news. Oh Maria, what do I do? I miss you, and I need you..."
I leaned forward and placed a kiss on the tombstone, the way I had every time I visited her. After a silent prayer, I got an answer to my question. This little child tugged at my shirt - he couldn't have been more than six years old. I looked around for his parents but couldn't find them.
"Mister, I heard you talking to your friend," he said pointing to the monument erected in Maria's honour. "She was special, right?"
I nodded, "Yes, she was special."
"And you love someone who doesn't love you, right?"
"You could say that, yeah." I replied.
"Well, mom's here to visit dad. She feels like she's not loved anymore since he's gone. I keep telling her that he does, but she can't feel it because he's not here with her. Mister, love comes from your heart, not from a body. Just because you can't see the person you love doesn't mean they don't love you. Love beats everything, that's what grandma says. " And then he was gone -- his mom had begun calling for him, so he quickly left without saying good-bye.
I looked to Maria's tombstone, then to the sky with a smile prominent on my face. 'Thank you Maria, I love you!' Everything the little boy said was true. Drew did love me, and I knew we'd get through this, if only I was willing to allow it. I had to talk to Drew. We had to get things right.
I suddenly became extremely happy, making a mad dash for my house. I didn't wait for the bus, it'd only be an extra ten minutes longer I'd have to wait for calling Drew. I needed to talk to him and work things out. We needed to pull through this.
Fifteen minutes later, I was walking up my driveway. Quietly opening my door and stepping in, I heard talking coming from the living room. Now I've got in and caused, a lot of shit from eavesdropping, but I just couldn't help it. Quietly walking to the entrance to the living room, I stood at the corner and listened.
"Drew, I'm sorry man. I fucked up. Maybe I shouldn't have come to fix things; you should've sent Jeff." From what I could figure, Nick was talking to Drew.
"Nick, don't worry about it - give him time to cool off. What did you say?" He was on speaker phone, thought I couldn't for the likes of me figure out why.
"It's true man, just let him think for a bit. He knows you're upset and didn't mean anything." Lance was there, that's why it was on speaker.
"Yeah, I guess. Drew, I told him that I hated all of this, that I just wanted to have a normal life. I didn't mean it like that. I just hate all this having to watch what we do, having to always hide you and D. And now with this whole cover up thing... I just can't take this. It's too much stress..." Nick rambled on, beginning to choke on his words.
"Nick, it's alright... he should be back soon, and we can talk things through." Lance was taking my role, trying to soothe the aches that plagued Nick, just like I always did for Lance.
"I love him so much. I didn't mean to hurt him; he's like family to me." Nick continued to sob, and glancing in, I noticed it was on Lance's shoulder.
"Drew, why don't you come here, and we'll all talk things through. I know Andrew just needs some time. And I think you should bring Lea with you... she's as much a part of this now as everyone else." Lance was always business-minded; I liked that about him.
"K, we'll take the next flight out. Nick, try and hang in there... we'll fix this." Drew had hung up, leaving the room in silence, save Nick's sobbing.
I truly felt bad for exploding on Nick, but I was hurt. Everything that was happening, and everything he had said turned out to be too much for me to handle. I do dumb things when I am upset. I typically don't think things through before my thoughts passed my lips. By then, it was too late.
I made my presence known by walking in and clearing my throat. Their two heads spun around at the sound, then Nick bolted out of Lance's arms and onto his knees in front of me. "D, please forgive me. I'm so sorry... I didn't mean it... I swear..." Tears falling from his red eyes. The sight killed me inside.
"Nick, I don't want to hear it!" I said sternly. His expression changed to one of pure agony. Realising what he was most likely thinking, I dropped to my knees and grabbed him in my arms. "I already know, Nick, I don't need to hear it. I'm sorry too."
"You forgive me?" Nick sounded like a five year-old afraid to ask the question.
Pulling him up, and walking back over to the sofa, I nodded. "Yeah, I forgive you. It's just all this lately has me very unstable. Nick, you've always been there for me and to see you... accusing me like that, hurt immensely. When the news reporter said that a member or 98 Degrees tied the knot, I thought you finally popped the question to Jess. Never in my life would I have guessed it was Drew."
"D, if I was marrying Jess, you'd know - I'd tell you..." he trailed off as the realisation hit him. "Oh."
"See."
"Why don't we go out, rent a movie, get some pizza or somethin', and relax for the night?" Lance sounded so incredibly sexy with his accent peeking through.
"Yeah, c'mon... let's go." I agreed, dragging them out the door. Lance called shotgun, and soon we were off to get our entertainment for the night. The ride was silent, tension was thick, and all I could think about was how I wanted to be in Drew's arms. Not being able to stand the silence for long, I reached over to the radio and turned it on.
"And here is *N SYNC with `It's Gonna Be Me'..." The DJ began to play the track, as I leaned over and blasted the volume.
Lance groaned, "Do we have to listen to this?"
"What, it's one of my favourite songs..." I trailed off, as he rolled his eyes at me. "And those guys are kinda cute, don't you think?"
Lance didn't answer me. In fact, the only reply I received was that of Nick taking up the vocals in the back seat, singing along with the song. At that moment I was grateful, for the tension that had lingered in the air previously dissipated in an instant.
We arrived at the movie store, and I, figuring they'd get recognised if they came in with me, told them to stay in the van. Nick craned his neck to peek in the store and scope out the situation.
"Hmmm, looks like six people... mostly above twenty... none in the teen range... except for the clerk... but he's a guy, so we're good. We're coming in." With that, they unbuckled their seat belts and stepped out of the van.
Sighing, I got out of the van as well and followed them into BlockBuster. I had a gut feeling that someone was gonna cause a scene, and that was the last thing that I wanted. We casually made our way to the back of the store, where the new releases were, in hopes to find something worthwhile to watch.
I decided to let Lance and Nick choose the movie. I was willing to watch anything really. As long as I got to choose the pizzas, it really didn't matter. I meandered around the store, glancing every now and then at a movie cover.
I was so rudely knocked back to reality by someone screaming. "Oh my God! Oh my God! You're... you're... it's... it's..." I knew it. Turning around I saw the clerk boy jumping up and down like a little teenage girl.
"Yes, I'm Lance from *N SYNC," his voice sounding bored at the thought. It made me wonder exactly how much Lance actually liked the life he was living. Lance tried to calm to boy down, "I'll give you an autograph, money, anything... just keep it down. The boy nodded, and began to finish up the transaction. I walked up behind them just as Nick was handing the boy his credit card.
"YOU'RE NICK LACHEY!" The boy exclaimed, making heads turn. By this time, the store had filled up with more people, particularly more younger people who obviously knew who my two friends were.
I just sighed, "I'll see you two in the van." Lance nodded his understanding as I turned and walked out the door. I had at least ten minutes to myself waiting for them in the van. Ten minutes to finally think, ten minutes to piece things together. Where is my life going?' I asked myself. At one time I thought I knew, but now I wasn't so sure. I can't pretend I'm not hurt. The one I love goes off and marries someone else without even telling me. Sure, it may be a cover up, but without telling me? Why do I even bother...'
My thoughts trailed off as my passengers finally made it back to the van. "We're good, we're coming, eh?" I mocked Nick playfully.
"Well, we were good until that fairy boy opened his loud-ass mouth!" Nick, having called shotgun, witnessed the change of my expression after he finished that sentence. Suddenly I didn't want to watch videos, I just wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to free myself from this judgmental world, just escape to my own little world where everything may not be so perfect but made me happy nonetheless.
"I'm so sorry, D." He said, surprisingly sincerely. I had no clue exactly who Nick was anymore. I thought him supportive, I thought him my best friend, and now I was reluctant to even say I knew him.
"Yeah, you're sorry alright!" I exclaimed callously. I knew it was harsh, but who cares. He deserved it; he just twisted the dagger he shoved into my chest earlier, causing further damage to my heart.
"D, please... I'm sorry..." Nick was pleading with me now, but my pride wouldn't allow me to back down. Once he realised that he wasn't going to get a reaction out of me, he buckled his seat belt and I drove us home. Fuck the pizza, if they wanted it they could order out.
I pulled into my driveway, rather quickly, slamming on the breaks and making the car stop with a jerk. I rammed it into park and pulled the keys out, running into my house and up the stairs.
Throwing myself onto my bed, I broke down, my body convulsing with each sob. I had my face buried in my pillow, drowning myself with tears. Suddenly, the bed beside me sank down as someone took a seat. The next thing I felt was a hand rubbing circular motions on my back. Turning my head to the right, I saw Lance looking down at me, concern clearly written on his face.
"You alright?" He asked with a certain level of hope.
"No." I answered quite honestly. "What's wrong with him. What does he have against me?"
Lance's face contorted with confusion, "Who?"
"Nick... what the fuck did I do to him for him to treat me like this?" My voice faltered a bit, making me sound like a teenage boy going through puberty while his voice cracked.
"You didn't do anything, he's just upset right now. You gotta understand what he's going through. Andrew, he's hurting too."
"Lance, I gotta understand what he's going through? How can I understand what he is going through if he doesn't even try to understand what I'm going through? I'm dying inside, and all he does is make me feel worse. I'm not gay, I'm bi, his brother's gay... it may not be a normal life, but it's a life we choose to live.
"He has no idea how it feels to have to hide your relationship, to keep it a secret. His relationship with Jess is so public, no one really knows about Drew and I. To make things worse, I have to put up with my boyfriend marrying someone else... without telling me. I'm dying inside, and he's not helping. I HATE NICK, I HATE HIM!"
"You don't mean that, Andrew." Lance replied softly.
"No, Lance, I assure you I do." I said firmly.
I had no idea, but like I had earlier, Nick was eavesdropping on our conversation right outside the door. I could tell because after I had explained my temporary hatred for him, he sobbed quite loudly and stormed off to his room. I knew he heard me, and I was somewhat glad he did. In a twisted way, it made me feel better.
"I'm sorry to hear that. I thought you of all people would think differently." He sounded extremely disappointed, that really disturbed me - I hated disappointing people.
I realised that I was doing the exact same thing Nick was doing to me, disappointing people. Nick was disappointing me for his new outlook on things. Before they had left, Nick was perfectly fine with everything. Now that he was back, things were different.
"Lance?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you sleep with me tonight... I-I-I..." I let out a frustrated sigh, "I just don't want to be alone.
Lance didn't even open his mouth, he just pulled the comforter from under me and slid in beside me. I just lay looking at the ceiling for a while, Lance probably doing the same as well, before I grabbed his arm and pulled it around me. "Lance..."
"Yeah?"
"Thanks." And with that, I fell asleep.
I awoke to the telephone ringing. Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was just before six in the morning. `Who calls people at such an ungodly hour?' I wondered. Leaning over to my night stand, without leaving Lance's embrace, I grabbed the phone. "Hello?" my voice was clearly that of a person who wasn't completely awake.
"Andrew... sorry for waking you." It was Drew. I was wondering why he was calling so early in the morning for.
Clearing my throat silently, in fear of waking Lance, "No problem, what's up?"
"I'm still on the plane, we should get there about eight. I was wondering if you guys could come and pick us up." He sounded hopeful.
"Yeah, sure."
"K, thanks! Go back to sleep, you got at least an hour left."
"See you soon." I stifled a yawn.
"Looking forward to it, I miss you."
He hung up the phone, leaving me with the dial tone. Something I've learned to hate was the fact that once I woke up, I was up for at least an hour. I lay back down, turning to face Lance. He looked so peaceful, so happy with a smile gracing the corners of his lips. I found myself jealous. I wanted to be happy; I wanted to be peaceful.
I had an hour to kill before I had to wake the others, so I spent a good twenty minutes just examining Lance - I must've memorised every feature exposed to my eyes of the guy. Lost in thought thinking about my life, I began to lackadaisically run my fingers through his hair. I couldn't believe its softness, almost like silk.
Lance leaned into the touch, his smile widening. His eyes slowly fluttered open; a look of pure happiness on his face. Then a sudden realisation hit him because the happiness flew out the window and his smile faltered.
"Oh, come on, I can't be that ugly." I joked
"I thought you were JC for a second, sorry."
"Oh, don't be sorry. I don't wanna be JC, he's too flamey for me."
Lance playfully hit my arm, "Hey, don't talk about my boy like that." It was just too incredibly cute how his accent dominated his speech in the morning. I started to giggle thinking about it. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing... really." I said, smile still prominent on my face.
"I know that smile, it's not nothing. It's something. What is it?"
I resigned to the fact that he wouldn't drop it, "It's just cute how your accent comes out in the morning."
"I do not have an accent." So typical - denial is the first sign to truth.
"Oh, and I bet you'll say that I have more of an accent than you, eh?" I replied sarcastically.
"Yup. You know it."
I rolled my eyes, and jumped out of bed. "We gotta go pick Drew up at the airport at eight, so you better get ready. We only got like an hour left."
"It takes an hour to get to the airport??" he asked with disbelief.
"No, it takes you like half an hour to get ready, so JC tells me, and so I have to make sure you're ready in enough time for us to get there on time."
"What about Nick?"
"Don't you worry about him, I'll get him up." I said, with an evil tone in my voice.
"Should I be worried?"
"Just get your ass in gear!" I threw his way before heading to Nick's room.
As I stood outside Nick's door, I knocked silently. Without hearing an answer, I slowly opened the door, afraid I might see something I really didn't want to. `Wait, what was I thinking? Nick, naked... HELLO!' Walking into the room I found Nick still asleep, in a foetal position and clutching a pillow.
Taking a seat beside him, my heart broke. Here was my best friend - the one who's done so much for me countless times before - lying here alone. I leaned in gently, placing my hand on Nick's cheek and tracing his left eyebrow with my finger. There was a thin layer of sweat on his face, `Bad dreams? Is he sick?' A million thoughts jumped around my head.
Leaning further forward, I placed a kiss on Nick's forehead which elicited movement from the living dead. Nick loved to sleep; one of the many things we had in common. Once his eyes opened, I wished they hadn't. Sorrow and agony had seized his very being, right to the soul, and it was clearly evident through the windows looking back at me. Tears formed in my eyes, Nick looked like shit and it was all my fault. "Nick, I'm sorry... please forgive me."
A smile formed on his face, and the sorrow lifted somewhat from his eyes. He didn't say a word, confusing me. Suddenly, he grabbed the back of my neck, pulled me down and planted a big wet one on my lips. My eyes shot open wide with surprise.
"You're forgiven cuntlips! Now, what makes you wake me up so early... wait... why are you up so early."
"Cuntlips? Is that what you think of me?" I feigned hurt. "Well asslicker, if you must know, we gotta go pick up the newlyweds at the airport in say... 45 minutes. Get your ass outta bed and shower cause boy, you reek!" Nick smiled. Things seemed like they were normal - `Damn, I hope so!'
An hour later, we were in the airport waiting. It had been over fifteen minutes since Drew's plane had landed, yet they couldn't disembark. Somehow word had leaked that Drew was coming into town and the airport was packed with screaming adolescents. I was shocked, all these people were here just because of my Drew. My Drew, that I now had to share.
Lance and Nick had come incognito. Both were dressed in baggy clothes, caps and sunglasses. I never understood why celebrities would attempt to conceal their identities with such unoriginal disguises, surely they'd be recognised. Apparently though, they were disguised well enough - not a single person bothered them.
I was nervous. Nervous to see my own boyfriend, it just didn't make sense. I mentally chastised myself for my foolishness but couldn't help myself. I continued pacing back and forth in front of the bench the two fools had slouched in. "Calm down man, there ain't no reason to be nervous." Lance tried his best to soothe my nerves.
"Easy for you to say, you're not in my position Scoop." I replied.
"Great, the news is here too. That's all we need..." Nick trailed off as the teens began to scream. The sound was deafening; the airport was definitely not designed to deal with such acoustics. Security guards rushed about trying to secure a path for Drew and Lea.
I inhaled deeply; this was it. Drew walked through the arrival doors, arm in arm with Lea. Smiles were prominent on both of their faces, they truly seemed happy. I wasn't - I was crushed. Nick urged me forward, as much as I tried not to, his hands reassuringly squeezing my shoulders every time I tried to stop. Lance walked beside me, unsure of what to expect though probably bracing for the worst.
Locking eyes with Drew, he smiled, melting me completely. How could I be mad with him? He was my reason for living; I loved him. Just as I thought that everything would be fine, something happened. Within seconds, Drew was able to rip my heart out, and stomp on it repeatedly - he leaned over and kissed Lea on the lips.
My eyes shot open, and my jaw dropped. Lance, noticing this began to run off a list of explanations. "It's just for publicity D, it's nothing."
"FUCK THAT!" I screamed, so loud the screaming fans had silenced momentarily. I ripped myself from Nick's grasp, running for the door. One thought running in my mind: run!
Jumping into my van, I noticed Nick, Lance, Drew and Lea were in pursuit. I couldn't be stopped, I was going to leave him, and leave him now! Quickly starting the van up, I ripped out of the parking lot without looking back.
I peeled down the parkway, paying no heed to the speed limit or any other signs for that matter. I was there physically, but mentally I was somewhere else. As I came upon an intersection, I failed to notice the light was red. Hearing a car's horn followed by a screeching sound, I turned my head to the sound. `What the...' BLACKNESS.
TBC...