Warning: This story doesn't contain any sex. It's the story of gay teens. None of the characters are based on real people nor are they meant to resemble any living or dead people.
Let me know what you think of the story by emailing me at Hnstskr4@aol.com
I want to thank everyone who has emailed. I also want to thank those who have read the story. It means a lot hearing from you. Please continue reading! There is a lot more to come. I own all rights to this story.
Chuck B.
I've got such a great response to the story and would love to hear from everyone who reads it.
I'm using a different technique for writing this story, so if you don't like it, let me know, or if you really like it let me know that, too.
Copyright 2010
Characters In The Story:
Seth - Seth is the main character. He is 17 at the start of this story. Dad AKA Charles Thompson Mom AKA Dawn Thompson (Walker) Paige = Paige Taylor 17 Scottie Westbrook age 18 Uncle Tim Walker
Terms in the story:
Klondike Derby - An event in scouting in which the scouts move their gear around on a sled from station to station, usually done in January and typically done in conjunction with a camp out. The temperature must be below freezing on the night of the campout.
This Is Seth
Chapter One
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Dear Self,
So, you've finally done it! You came out to yourself. It's about time, isn't it? Now you just need to pull yourself up and get on with your life. I know how you feel about the church and I know it's been upsetting you lately. It seems as though everyone there has been cramming marriage and mission down your throat lately. Quit worrying about it and just be happy!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Dear Journal,
I've been holding my emotions in for way too long. Today after school, I went to my room and cried. I just can't deal with being gay. I've wanted to end my life three or four times since the age of 13. I'm afraid to be gay, but even more afraid to kill myself. I need to find someone who I can trust to talk too. I don't want to be gay, but God isn't answering my prayers. I guess that means I'm gay. So how do I live life? I think, I've got to quit being so down on myself. At church at least twice a year, they teach us that homosexuality is wrong, so why don't I feel bad when I'm away from church. Overall, I don't feel bad expect at church. It's rough teaching myself not to feel guilty. I need to teach myself that I'm okay.
Sometimes, I get really depressed because it just gets to be too much. More often than not I end up covering myself so I can keep everyone happy. Problem is I'm not happy. I would be happier, if I could just be me. I hate lying to everyone. What other choice do I have?
I don't have many choices, that is for sure. My church wouldn't accept my sexuality. My parents won't accept me. My family, my extended family, won't be okay with the news when they find out. Maybe I can tell my mom and dad when I move out. I'm pretty sure that I'll lose some friends, but oh well. I know that I'll make sure.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Paige came up to me today. I think she knows that something is bothering me. Paige is always the first one to catch on to my ups and downs. How she is able to read me, I just don't know. She wanted to know what was wrong. I told her nothing was wrong, but she wouldn't let up. Then again, she always has been that way with me. It all started with a kiss back in the seventh grade. Today, she looked me in the eye and asked me, no demanded to know what was wrong. I gave her some lame excuse, "Just stressed from church." She still didn't believe me, but at least she let it die for now.
I don't see Paige leaving my side once I come out. Still, I'm a bit fearful of her reaction. It may sound silly, but it's how I feel. Usually my worries have a way of just disappear after awhile. This worry seems to be lingering. Any more, it's a constant. There isn't one part of my life that isn't somehow affected by this fear.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I just got home from the Klondike Derby. Talk about cold, I thought my lips were going to fall off. I was supposed to hang out with Scottie today. Scottie is a true beast. Everything he does is somehow designed to keep him in shape. He is 5'6" and somewhere around 160 lbs. This guy is solid muscle. He is also Mormon, like me. His one guilty pleasure is World of Warcraft. Back to the Klondike.
Scottie and I were the appointed mushers for this event. One of the boys somehow ended up reading the map wrong which meant we had to back track. We were actually running ahead of the other troops. We ended up coming in at 2nd place.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Our lesson today at church was on taking care of our bodies. For Scottie and me, it was really a no-brainer. Not taking care of our bodies would mean a change in our athletic ability. We depend on our bodies to help us on our sports teams. If we allow ourselves to drink, use drugs, or to eat stuff that isn't good for bodies, we wouldn't be able to perform as well as we do.
Listening to Mom and Dad talk about family history got me curious, so I got on my dad's computer and looked at my dad's immediate family and then at my mom's immediate family. Everything seemed to be in order. On my mom's side though, one person jumped off the page. Apparently, I have an uncle named Tim. Never heard of Uncle Tim before today. According to the family group sheet, he was baptized and seems to have grown up in the church, but at some point he quit coming out. Wonder why he stopped coming out to church. Note to self: ask Mom about him!
It's now around 6:00 pm, only a couple hours have passed since my last entry. I went ahead and talked with Mom about Uncle Tim. She actually was very surprised that I would ask about him. Her answer kind of threw me off a bit though. I expected her to tell me that it was none of my business. She was actually very up front about it. He decided that he was gay at the age of 16. Wow just a year younger than me. I wonder if that is when he came out to everyone. I've felt gay since the age of 13. Apparently, he tried to overcome it by seeking out therapy, but he got frustrated over the whole ordeal and quit it. My grandparents were very angry over his decision to quit. There was a huge argument and when the smoke cleared, Uncle Tim was packed up and moved in with a friend of his from high school. Mom said she cried for a couple hours after he left. The family hasn't heard from Tim since the day of the argument. Mom said that she would love to hear from him.
I took it upon myself to find my uncle. Hopping on the computer, I fired up the internet. Found a free people finder site and entered his information that Mom gave me. In under a half hour, I found my uncle. I quickly ran it downstairs to my mom. She took the paper and jotted down his address and telephone number. She said thank you and then went right back to her Sudoku puzzle. As I walked back up to my room, I made the decision to call my uncle.
I trembled as I dialed his number. Butterflies started to fly around inside my stomach. He never answered the phone. A part of me was kind of hurt. I wonder if he saw the name and decided not to answer the phone. An hour later, my phone rang and I rushed to answer it. I glanced down at the caller id and grabbed the phone as fast as I could.
"Hello!"
"Ummm...someone from this number called a little while ago. Do you know what they wanted?"
"Yeah, I called looking for my Uncle Tim."
There was a few seconds of silence between my last spoken words and his reply.
"Well, you'll have to hold for a few seconds!"
It seemed to take forever for someone to come back to the phone.
"Sorry for keeping you waiting, now how can I help you?"
"This is Seth Thompson. I'm your sister's son."
"I heard rumors that she got married. So you haven't told me why you called."
"First because, I just found out that I had an uncle named Tim. Second, because I really need someone to talk too."
"Listen Seth, I don't even know you and you want me to listen to your problems."
"Look, I know that you don't know me, but you're the only one that I can turn too."
"Why Is that?"
I can hear someone coming up the stairs. I don't want anyone else to hear what I'm about to say at least not yet.
"Look, I'm sorry Uncle Tim, but I need to call you later. Is that okay?"
"I guess!"
Monday, January 26, 2009
I should be on the phone trying to get back in touch with my Uncle Tim, but the homework is killing me tonight. I have six page papers that I forgot to finish. Not to mention a big Chemistry test tomorrow. Not really in the mood for it, but my school work is important. After all, I've got to get into college.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Got all my homework done from last night. I normally don't put stuff off but I've been under some stress lately. Ever since I called my Uncle, I feel like I've started down a path that I can't turn my back on. Today is going to be my best chance to get back to my Uncle Tim. I took the number out of my journal and dialed his number. It didn't take as long as for him to answer this time around.
"Hello, Walker Residence, Tim speaking."
"Hi Uncle Tim, it's Seth again."
Wonder if he remembers me from that Sunday night. The thought of him refusing to talk to me has me sick.
"Hey Seth, I've been thinking about you a lot over the last couple weeks. I wondered what would be so bad that you couldn't tell your mom, and then it hit me. But, I still want to hear it from you."
Now, he had me. He already knew that something big was going on. He even thinks that he knows what it is. I went to tell him and I froze. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.
"So...are you going to tell me?"
"I... I... I'm gay."
There was nothing on the line. My thoughts were the only things that I could hear. He has me very scared right now. Wish that I could see his face, but that isn't going to happen at least for awhile.
"Seth, I have to be honest, that isn't what I thought you were going to say. I figured that you were going to tell me that I was going to be a great uncle. This really is a relief..."
A relief? How is me being gay a relief? My parents might be easier on me if I did get a girl pregnant. At least then, they would have to accept their grandbaby. Something Mom would do without even a moment's thought.
"Seth, you do know that I'm gay right??"
"Actually, that is why I called you. My Mom told me all about the argument between you and my grandpa and grandma. I figured if anyone in the family would understand, it would be you."
"I definitely know what you're going through, but what do you want me to do?"
"I... I need someone to just be there for me. I don't think Mom and Dad would ever come close to accepting me and loving me once they find out."
"Seth, I need to get going pretty soon... but don't worry too much about your mom. She might be more accepting than you think. Just thought you should think about it a bit, that’s all. Anyway, I need to go!"
Does Mom know that I'm gay? Has there been secret communication between Uncle Tim and my mom about me? Why would she be more accepting of me? Great, now he has me wondering about what lays between the lines.
Oh btw... I think I did pretty well on my Chemistry test.
January 28, 2009
Dear Mom,
It's Wednesday, January 28 2009. I'm writing you from the school library. As you already know, I am getting credit as library aide this semester. Mom, someday you'll get this letter and I'm hoping that you won't freak out too bad. You already know that I found Uncle Tim. Well, he suggested to me that you might understand my problem a little bit.
Guess, I should tell you what my problem is huh? I don't even know if I can tell you, but if I don't tell you, you'll be worried sick. So... here it goes! Mom, I'm gay. There is no sex going on. I'm not lying either. Anyway, I've been really struggling with this for a while now. You might be asking why I haven't told you yet. Well, it's because I'm nervous about how you and Dad would react. I don't want you to think anything different about me.
I don't want to end up like Uncle Tim. My family means a lot to me. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not you and Dad. Don't want to lie to myself anymore. Likewise, I don't want to lie to you and Dad either. It's bad enough that I've been keeping secrets from everyone close to me. Honestly, I just want to be free. I don't know what the future may hold for me.
I know there will be unexpected consequences as well as some that I know will happen. Always in my mind, I knew that there would be bumps along the way as I came out. I don't look forward to them at all, however I'm hoping for something good to come out of it. I'll need someone to count on and I'm hoping that someone is you and Dad. I expect to lose some of my friends like Scottie. Scottie is one of my closest friends, but ultimately you guys are the most important people in my life. Love,
Seth
January 30, 2009
Thursday, what a day! The librarian wore me out. She had me running all over the school and all over the library. I have to admit that she is pretty cool. Since, my lunch and her lunch overlap, we often eat together in the library. As we eat, she goes through what she wants me to do. Lately though, I... I've kind of been distracted. It's been hard to think of anything else but coming out to someone. It felt really cool being able to tell Uncle Tim. I wonder if the librarian would tell anyone. Never mind, I don't think I'll tell her. As I got up to take our trays back to the cafeteria. She looked me and asked me if I was okay. I told her that I was fine, but I had the same feeling like I had when Paige asked me that same question. It was like she knew something was wrong and was just waiting on me to say something.
Something weird happened today. I received an invitation to attend the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) meeting next week. Weird! It was stuck to my locker with a piece of the tape at the end of the day. No clue who stuck it there or why. After all no one knows about me. Well, don't think that I'm going to be visiting the GSA any time soon. Well, talk to you later journal!