Warning: This story doesn't contain any sex. It's the story of gay teens. None of the characters are based on real people, nor are they meant to resemble any living or dead people.
Let me know what you think of the story by emailing me at Hnstskr4@aol.com
I want to thank everyone who has emailed. I also want to thank those who have read the story. It means a lot hearing from you. Please continue reading! There is a lot more to come. I own all rights to this story. Chuck B.
I've got such a great response to the story and would love to hear from everyone who reads it.
I'm using a different technique for writing this story, so if you don't like it, let me know, or if you really like it, let me know that, too.
Thanks Pete!
Copyright © 2010, 2011
This Is Seth
Chapter 10
Mission Question
This Sunday is the day that the bishop will call us into his office to ask us of we plan on serving a mission. I've been dreading this day big time. I just don't feel right when I see myself serving a mission. I can't take my sexuality out on this mission with me. Bishop Smith opens his door and he calls me into his office.
As I enter his office, I feel like the walls are closing in on me. He shakes my hand before we sit down. Bishop starts off with the usual worthiness questions:
"Do you follow the word of wisdom?"
"Are you honest in everything you do?"
"Do you look at porn or watch porn?"
It really feels good to be able to honestly answer all of his questions truthfully.
"Is there any reason for me to consider you unworthy?"
"Not at this time!"
I don't think that I've done anything wrong.
"Well the reason, that I called you into my office is to ask you about serving a mission."
How can I serve a mission? I'm gay! There aren't any immoral acts going on (acts that he would consider immoral), but it doesn't change how I feel about this whole question. I just don't want anything on my shoulders when I'm out on the mission. Missions are hard enough without adding this to it. Bishop's face started to look very worried. I think he's starting to get afraid.
"Bishop... I don't..."
This voice in the back of mind is screaming "Tell him yes!"
"Yes Seth, what is wrong?"
He said sounding very concerned. "I don't think that I can serve a mission."
He suddenly looked very concerned. While the bishop looked sad, I felt more weight being lifted from my shoulders. With everything going on, I just can't think right now. Bishop looked at me after a few seconds and smiled. He said that he understood. Wait, what does understand? I don't even understand it myself. Okay, so maybe I understand it a little bit. I wanted to apologize, but for what? He asked me to say closing prayer, which I did without hesitation. I felt at peace as I prayed. Bishop opened the door and there were the guys. I would have liked to have covered my eyes. Instead, I walked out past them and out to the car.
Mom came out with my siblings just a few minutes after I did. She got into the car and got her seatbelt on, and then she asked me her usual question:
"How were your meetings today?"
It's a way of reinforcing what we talked about in our classes. I told her about the bishop calling me into his office to ask about serving a mission. She suddenly got this worried look on her face. Now my peace fled away from me. Guess I didn't consider my family when I answered the bishop.
"How did you answer him, Seth?" Mom asked. I think she was hoping that I said that I would happily serve a mission.
"I told him that I didn't feel right about serving."
Mom looked like she was ready to cry. How do I fix this?
"Mom, I just don't feel right about serving a mission on top of being gay."
"I understand son."
She leaned in and gave me a kiss on the forehead. Mom has always been affectionate with us. I can still see the worry in her eyes, but at least she is smiling.
When Dad got home, I was on the computer. He came right upstairs. Mom didn't even have a chance to talk to him. I'm a little nervous about Dad's visit into my inner sanctum. Dad looked at me and said:
"Bishop Smith told me that you didn't answer his question about serving a mission."
"Yeah, I guess that I didn't."
I don't think that Dad needed to be involved in this. Still, it's nice to know that Bishop Smith is worried about me.
"So are you interested in serving a mission?"
Do I really have to go through this again? This time around at least I know my answer.
"Dad, I can't. I just don't feel right about serving"
Dad's face faded from hope to sadness. I felt horrid for hurting Mom and Dad, but it's how I feel.
"So care to tell me? Why don't you feel right about serving?"
"Well, a mission requires a person to be focused and I'm not sure how focused I can be with guys around me 24/7. Other missionaries aren't around ladies 24/7." Dad still looked sad, but his face has softened. I immediately feel okay with myself. Dad even threw his arms around me to get a hug. I heard the front door open and Mom was talking to someone.
Mom and Bishop Smith show up in my room. Bishop shakes Dad's hand and mine. He said that he won't be here very long. I wonder why he's here.
"Seth, I'd like to talk to you, if I may," he said as he looked at Dad. This has to be about my interview on Sunday. Mom turns and leaves my room, but Dad stays, which is strange. Usually, Bishop always does this stuff in private. Actually, I'm glad that Dad decided to stay.
"Seth, as your bishop, I'm concerned about you. I noticed the other guys acting a little funny around you. None of them would tell me what was going on when I asked them why they were behaving this way. So I came to the source to ask you what is wrong. So tell me, what is going on?"
Do I tell him? Can I even lie to his man? Hmmm... I think that has to be a major sin. Guess it's time to swallow my pride and just say it.
"Bishop, it's long story, but to make it easier, let me just reduce it down to a few words. Bishop, I'm gay. I told Scottie a few days ago, and he must have told the other guys."
Bishop turned and looked at my dad and was about to say something to him when Dad interrupted.
"Don't ask me, ask him!"
Bishop must have changed his mind, but he still asked me a question.
"Have you had sex?"
I guess that I had better answer the man, since he came all the way over here. My interview should have answered this question for him, but I'll still answer it.
"No Bishop, I can honestly say that I haven't had sex."
You could hear the sighs of relief coming from my bishop and my dad.
"Seth, while I'm not sure what to think right now, let me just say that as long as you follow the church's standards, that you'll be fine."
Gee let's see, I can't date a guy, can't have sex with a guy, can't have a boyfriend, and can't get married to a guy, so I guess that I'll just have to be lonely. I can be gay as long as I meet the happy LDS standards.
"Seth, how about a mission?"
I can't believe he is actually asking me that question.
"Bishop, I've thought about it and I can't serve a mission."
"Okay, I respect your decision."
What he really means is that he doesn't want me to serve. I made it easy on him by saying no. I reached out my hand to the bishop and he warmly accepted it.
"Thanks Bishop!"
"You're welcome!"
Dad and Bishop turned and left my room.
I'm still just a little worried about this interview. Bishop isn't the type to lie. Why am I feeling so unsure about this? Dad seemed okay with it, so I guess things went well. I guess this feeling is just part of the process.
I got one more visitor. This time around it was Paul who walked into my room. He came into my room and plopped himself on the floor and he got right down to business.
"So what did the bishop want?" Paul asked.
"He came over to get an answer on the whole mission thing."
This situation isn't any of his business, but he's family so I might as well tell him. Hopefully, my decision won't have an impact on his decision to serve.
"What did you tell him?"
My brother must really want to know what's going on in my life.
"Well, I told him that I'm gay and that I didn't feel right about serving a mission."
"Wow, you're brave!"
I don't think that I'm all that brave.
"No, I was honest."
"Hmm... maybe you were too honest."
How can someone be too honest?
"I'd rather be honest about myself than to cover my life with a blanket of lies," I said, hoping that he would understand why I told Bishop Smith.
"I'm proud of you for being honest. I try to model myself after you. I mean... sort of anyway," Paul laughed.
He was letting me know that he was on my side in this mess. I could count on him to do what he wanted to do with his life. Overall he spoke up like a true brother. I love this kid.
"Love you!"
Paul heard me and shaped his hands into a heart as he walked out of the room.
Did I do the right thing by telling the bishop? Could the bishop use this knowledge to excommunicate me? I know that I haven't done anything wrong, but does that matter? It should matter, but does it? I wonder! Need to quit worrying about this and focus on today. Hmm... I'm thirsty. My thirst gave me a reason to head downstairs. Mom was hanging out in the kitchen.
Mom was sitting at the counter in the kitchen. She looked lost.
"Mom, are you okay?"
"I'm fine Seth, just worried about you."
Glad to hear that she's okay, but this feels like it could quickly turn into a guilt trip.
"Why are you worried about me, Mom?"
"I know how people at church can be about the slightest bit of gossip. They spread it around like a farmer spreads manure on his field. Some of them don't care who they hurt either."
Wait, she isn't trying to lay out a guilt trip. She is truly worried about me. Why did I second guess her?
"Mom, let them talk. I'm not doing anything wrong."
Mom still looked sad.
"I can't stand the idea of hearing others talk about you. The very idea gets me mad."
Mom was angry, but at least it wasn't directed at me.
"I guess that all I can do is stand up for you."
Have I mentioned that I love my mom? She really does have a heart of gold.
"So if it does get to the gossipers, how long will it take to circulate throughout the ward?"
Mom thought for a second or two before she spoke again.
"I give it less than an hour."
Man, I knew the ward gossips were fast, but I didn't think it was that bad. Oh well!
"Mom, don't worry about it. Okay?"
She looked at me and smiled and then got serious again.
"Seth, if you ever become a parent, you'll understand why I'm upset. I love you and I'll always be here for you."
We hugged each other and I turned to leave the kitchen, but then the phone rang.
The phone rang and Mom picked it up. Mom said it was Grandma Walker and she wants to know about my mission funds. She looks at me as if asking it it's alright to say anything about my decision. The leap of faith has already been made so why not make another one. I nodded my head to the give the okay.
"Seth has decided to not serve a mission, and Charles and I support him in this decision."
Grandma must have said something that Mom didn't like because she made an ugly face.
"No this decision is Seth's to make. He's been taught at home and at church about the importance of serving a mission. Trust me; he didn't reach this decision overnight."
Mom again looked at me and asked:
"Can I tell her about why you're not serving?"
At this point, Dad had stepped into the kitchen. Dad and I both gulped air on this one.
"Mom, go ahead!"
Dad patted me on the back. Now my nerves are really racing. Guess it's better than keeping it from her. I want my family to know.
"Mom, Seth isn't serving a mission because he's gay. He's not breaking any commandments, but he feels very strongly about his decision."
When I first was considering coming out to my parents, I wish that I could have looked to the future so I could have seen this day. Mom's facial expressions changed from her usual pleasant face to her worried, sad look. Grandma must be upset over the news. I feel bad for Mom.
"WE SUPPORT HIM. This decision is entirely his own, and while we would like him to serve, we support and love him."
Wow... I think that I might cry.
"Mom, we are not going to turn our backs on Seth."
My parents are so awesome. Right now, I am totally surprised by Mom's words. I know that my parents love me, and there is no doubt in my mind right now. Mom's face continues to look sad and depressed.
"Seth isn't having sex."
Dad looks upset. He didn't say anything, but I can see the anger building up inside him. There is complete silence between Mom and Grandma. Mom's face changed again. Something on the other side of the line has her upset. Don't know what it is, but it seemed to really upset her. Mom's face went to a bright shade of red. The longer, I watched her, the more I wanted to chew my Grandma out for affecting my mom's mood. Dad's mood seemed to echo Mom's emotions.
"No, he will not be leaving this house! No, he won't be seeing any doctor!"
Dad was done. He took the phone away from my mom and said:
"Enough, this phone call is over unless you can be polite."
Hmm... guess Grandma couldn't be polite. I'm in total disbelief. Never thought Grandma Walker would speak out against me, but she did.
Ten minutes later, Uncle Tim called. Apparently, Grandma called him to chew him out over my sexuality. I apologized to him. Mom was pissed. She saw no reason for Grandma to be spreading stuff around the whole family. I don't blame her for being upset at Grandma. It's bullshit if you ask me. Grandma's not being very nice. Aren't Grandparent's supposed to love their grandkids?