Copyright 2006 by AMc. All rights reserved. This is a work of fiction; any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. The author retains all rights to this work and you may not copy or transmit it in any way except in it's entirety and with this disclaimer.
This Old Bar
Chapter Four
Joe stood naked at the window watching a steady rain outside. The day looked as drab and gray as he felt. He bumped his injured hand as he reached out to steady himself on achair and winced in pain. It reminded him of a dream that woke him. It was his father again, this time his face loomed over him while pressing down to the injured hand as hard as he could, growling at Joe for breaking a valuable vase he had on the shelf behind the bar. It came all the way from Italy with his mother. How could you be so thoughtless, he thundered. Joe woke sweating and realized, as far as he knew the vase was still at the old family bar in it's revered place. The dream reminded him why he was here at Sam's.
"Ah shit, so much for a warming trend." he heard Sam say from the bed. He turned to see him rubbing sleep out of his eyes and smile.
"Good morning handsome."Sam said cheerfully. Joe grimaced, he knew he didn't look good.
"I'm not a morning person." he mumbled and looked out the window again dreading the confrontation that was about to come.
He promised Dave he would deal with this and wished he hadn't. He rubbed his hand and looked at Sam who regarded him silently with an intense expression of anticipation.
"Joe we need to talk-" Sam began.
"I know." Joe said sharply and began to dress quickly, the impulse to flee taking hold of him but his body refused to obey. He slowed his movements, hoping Sam would say something to speed his retreat. He looked at Sam who was also calmly dressing. Sam said nothing further while he made a pot of coffee but his silence weighed on Joe as if he had been lectured. Sam handed Joe a cup but took hold of his arm to stop him as he moved to sit down.
"Joe why are you afraid of being openly gay?" he asked bluntly and Joe shrank.
"I'm not afraid." he protested his voice rising in volume. Sam looked at him with barely concealed anger. Joe averted his gaze unable to meet the disappointment in his face.
" Your father told you to keep your mouth shut but that was a long time ago." Sam pressed on trying to shake loose some of the burden of guilt.
"Yeah well he's an asshole, that's why I moved as far away as I could." Joe bristled at the intrusion, he could feel himself being pushed closer to the edge of the cliff.
"Why are you still letting him run your life?" Sam asked almost incredulous.
"That's not it, it's not him." Joe realized Sam had it all wrong. Of course he did, he couldn't possibly know the truth. He scratched at a phantom itch on his right forearm.
"Does it have to do with your leaving baseball?" Sam asked and Joe gasped as if he had been slapped. He understood what Dave had pushed him into. That bastard he fumed, he wished he had never let Dave in on his nightmare. Looking at Sam's demanding expression he knew there was no escape. It was time, time to jump off the cliff and die or be free of the terrible pain that held him.
"You do NOT want to go there." Joe said dangerously. Sam continued to watch him with a firm but compassionate face as Joe paced the floor like a frightened animal. Joe's breath came in short rapid gasps.
"Joe calm down." Sam said quietly. He had spent time on his uncle's ranch long enough to know how to soothe a spooked horse. It had the desired effect, Joe halted at the words and set his forgotten mug on the table.
He looked at Sam in a way he never had before. He seemed like a nice, easygoing young man, polite and considerate. Joe now saw a ruthlessness he never imagined. The kid had balls. Dave saw it too, that's why he must have put Sam up to this. He'd get even with his old friend later, he thought, his nostrils flaring with rage. Despite his anger Joe knew he did the right thing.
He sat down on the couch in defeat, listening to the rain hitting the roof in a soothing rhythm. He wished there was thunder and lightening but that was rare in the northwest. He remembered them from his childhood, the smell of ozone and the heaviness of humidity swept away by a good thunderstorm. Everything looked clean and brand new. Joe took a deep breath and stepped off the cliff.
" I love baseball, I love everything about it, the game, the sound of a bat connecting with a ball, the rush of a double play and the crowds excitement. Most of all I loved the camaraderie with the guys. That and the tight pants." he joked, a smile briefly lit his face. Sam sat down on the edge of the bed and listened.
"I was discovering my sexuality in the dark moments between ball games, hiding as my father demanded. I longed to tell my buddies, my best friends, but I knew they wouldn't-" he stopped, his throat suddenly tight. Sam got him a glass of water then returned to the edge of the bed, his face impassive.
"By accident Dave saw me leaving a gay bar and I was terrified I `d been discovered but he was so cool about it. I think he found it- novel. I figured if he was cool maybe the other team mates would be." Joe's face clouded with heartache.
"I decided to come out to them one at a time, first to a guy named Tom. An upright guy and a great player, real supportive and positive. He didn't say a word when I told him, he just stared at me with a look of betrayal in his eyes. I was scared shitless he would out me when he avoided me afterwards. " Joe drained the glass of water in one gulp and put a trembling hand to his head as he bowed in exhaustion at the memory. He paused so long Sam was about to say something when Joe looked at him with eyes brimming with tears.
"I didn't leave baseball. I was the pitcher and damn good. I was ready to make the leap to the majors but my team mates had other ideas." he voice became brittle and fierce.
"Tom told two other guys about me and one night they came to my apartment. While they held me down, they broke my arm in three places with a bat."
Sam sat in shock, horrified at the violence inflicted on him. He walked over to Joe and with extreme gentleness, took him in his arms. That did it for Joe, like hell bursting he keened with deep grief. Sam held him and rocked him slightly as he wept too.
How could they do that? Joe asked himself for the thousandth time. How could his friends, guys he played and partied and laughed with, do that? Guys he trusted. They saw his being gay as a betrayal but they were the ones who betrayed the trust with their act of violence. God how he hated the motherfuckers, he raged as he tore them out of the dark recess they had lodged in his soul. Their foul stench finally excised from his memory.
Joe slowed his sobbing until it was a soft whimper. He rose suddenly, realizing he was a mess and went into the small bathroom to wash his face. He emerged with a towel which Sam took and dried his face, kissing him as he did so. Joe snatched at Sam's wrist as another revelation came to him and Sam did not resist the tight hold, seeing the look of astonishment on Joe's face.
"That's why I'm careful who I come out to, because I don't want to get my other arm broken." all the fear that held him dissolved. Sam kissed the hand that gripped him. Joe let go and Sam continued to press his lips to the bandaged hand. Finally he took Joe's face in his hands, the eyes still red and swollen from crying.
"I love you Joe Rossini. " He said in a clear voice. Joe gave a self conscious laugh, he had never heard those words said to him by another man.
"You are the bravest man I have ever met." he went on. Joe laughed again, this time a cynical bark.
"No, I'm a coward."
"Not anymore." Sam amended and gave him a deep passionate kiss.
Sam made breakfast but Joe ate little. Sam gently asked if he wanted to go home or for a walk but Joe shook his head fiercely. He seemed rooted to the plush chair he occupied, staring at the floor in a state of confusion. Sam ached for the turmoil Joe was going through and knew he needed comfort and distraction from his troubled soul. They passed the day quietly watching several movies and talking about them- they both had a passion for cinema. In the evening Joe took a long shower after a dinner of leftovers and lay down in bed. Sam joined him and they held each other for a long time as Sam kissed and caressed him.
"Sam I want you to make love to me." Joe said suddenly, his voice hushed as if in a church. Sam shifted to look at his drawn face, even his beard looked weary.
"Are you sure?" he asked. Joe sat up on one elbow.
"I haven't had anyone in me since. . ." he voice drifted off. "I drank heavily after my arm healed and let myself be taken too often, brutally sometimes in a twisted attempt to punish myself further." he looked down at his hand expecting more rejection but Sam touched his face in an understanding gesture.
" I know the feeling." he said reminding Joe of his own earlier confession.
"I didn't trust anyone after I sobered. I didn't allow anyone to get close to me but I trust you." Joe said and turned over on his stomach before Sam could register a reaction. Sam reached for him, his hand hovering over the round firm ass as he contemplated the request. Dave trusted him, Joe trusted him and he did not want to fail that trust. He rested his left hand on Joe who responded with a sigh. Sam gently massaged him, his hand burrowing between the mounds of flesh. Joe spread his legs allowing more access to Sam's probing. He leaned down and kissed the back of Joe's neck, feeling him tense slightly.
"Let me know if you want me to stop at any time." Sam whispered in his ear and Joe sighed again. He worried Joe wasn't ready for this but when he pushed a finger into him, he discovered Joe had cleaned himself thoroughly in the shower. Ah so he IS ready, he thought in relief. Sam prepared himself with a condom and lube then knelt carefully behind his lover.
Sam pushed in slowly, amazed at how tight yet yielding Joe was to the entry. Sam leaned against the bigger man's bulk reaching around to fondle his nipples. Joe rose slightly and Sam was buried completely, their balls resting against each other, their bodies as close as possible.
Sam rocked slowly at first but increased speed as the tight grip sent him into overdrive. He quickened his pace to catch up with his passion. Joe groaned underneath him and he immediately slowed, instantly focused on Joe's comfort. He gently turned Joe onto his back who looked up at him startled. Sam remained between his legs, caressing Joe, a hand tracing his beard along the line of his chin.
Sam pressed against him and Joe panted in sudden anxiety. He shook his head, not sure he liked lying there so vunerable with his arms and legs spread. He flashed on the image of a dog exposing himself the same way in submission to the alpha male. Sam smiled and caressed the thighs he held in his arms, holding him protectively. Joe finally relaxed; convinced he was safe in his lover's embrace. Joe gave a small sharp nod and closed his eyes.
Sam resumed his lovemaking, keeping a steady rhythm like a runner in a long race. He wanted it to last but the pressure built up in him and soon he was rapidly headed to the finish. With a loud groan he thrust forward and shuddered as he crossed the line, his heart pounding loudly. Everything blurred for a moment then he became awareness of his heavy breathing and Joe moving under him. He slowly disengaged and rolled over next to Joe, watching his face. He still had his eyes closed and Sam thought he was asleep from the serene expression on his face but his breathing was ragged and his face flushed. As Joe slowly opened his eyes a tear escaped and rolled down the side of his face.
"Thank you." he whispered and gulped down his rising emotion. Sam leaned in and kissed him, glad he helped Joe cross some private threshold he feared to tread. He rose and went to the bathroom to clean up. Joe joined him a minute later and wrapped his arms around Sam's torso, burying his face in the nape of his neck. They stood and swayed in the afterglow of their intense union.
"Ready to face the world now?" Sam asked in half jest.
"No. " Joe replied seriously. Sam's smile faded. He shouldn't be surprised, Joe had a lot to think about before coming out to his friends and he would have to be patient with Joe. He caught Joe looking at him in the mirror.
"Ask me in a month." he said in a tacit promise to not retreat to his old shell. Sam took his hands and nodded at the reflection.