TIME-TO-SEE-10
Thank God it was Jake who announced supper. I'd have been mortified to be caught in bed with Hugo by the other nurse. She didn't seem like the sort who had sex. Well, as far-fetched as that might seem, I had a hunch she didn't, anyhow.
We ate, and even though Hugo had to rise again before six tomorrow morning, we spent quite a while 'talking' with the pad and pen before we turned in.
Hugo wrote first, "I am really worried about Jilder."
"What's going on," I asked.
"His breathing... it's getting worse...we know his ribs are still growing in leaving not enough room for his lungs and heart to work. Breathing is really hard for him now. They've got to operate soon, but I don't know where I'm going to get the money. I MUST find some money. I can't let him die." Hugo looked worried sick.
"Did you find out how much the hospital and doctor want for the operation?" I wrote.
"Well, the Ombudsman in the hospital said that Jilder could get emergency funding from the state, but we'd need to give the hospital $3,000 before they would begin the operation-- that's on top of what the state will pay them. They want their $3,000 before they will allow the doctor to operate."
"And how much does the doctor want," I asked in very scribbled writing.
"He wants $5,000, but he said he'd accept $1000 and let me pay the rest on credit," Hugo said.
"Now this would just be to install the steel bar in Jilder's ribcage, right? What about on-going care and removing the bar when it has to come out?" I wrote again.
"Yes. These costs are just to install the bar, but it wouldn't come out for 2 years, maybe longer; so I'll have time to look for more money. By then, maybe the state will pay some more," Hugo wrote back."
"Okay." I wrote.
"Tomorrow you go to the Far West Bank sometime. I'll telephone them in the morning and tell them to prepare two cashier's checks for you, one for $3000 and the other for $2500. Use the first for the hospital and the second for the doctor. Then tell me what needs to happen next."
Hugo was stunned. He looked at me like I had just slapped him in the face.
"What's wrong, Baby," I wrote.
I'm sure that I looked panicked. I was suddenly just sick that I'd done something wrong again! Oh my God, I had! I did it again! I jumped in on my own doing WHAT I DETERMINED NEEDED TO BE DONE. I didn't stop in mid effort and ask God, "What do YOU want of me in this situation... Won't I ever get the fucking idea... OMG, how can I clean up this mess??? "
Hugo looked so sad. He looked up at me and wrote, "I don't feel love for you so you will give me money. I love you because I love you. My problems are not your problems. Please do not hurt me with insult."
"Oh, HUGO," I wrote back frantic..."I feel terrible. I didn't even ask you what you wanted! I didn't ask you what would be best; I realize now that I insulted you by offering money! Oh, God! Please, HUGO, please forgive me.... I'm so sorry. I only wanted to help. I don't know how to make it right... I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry..."
He looked so pained over the double bind I just laid on him. I reached over and rubbed his shoulder with one hand and brushed back the hair from his eyes with the other. I kissed him gently on the forehead and lingered with my lips on his skin. I wanted to undo my harm, but I was powerless. With that I thought, "God, what do you want me to be after the mess I've created?... I don't know what I should do. I want to do whatever blesses Hugo, but I don't know what that is. Please help me!"
And just as I recognized the mess I'd made, I realized that Hugo was crying.
"Oh, Baby," I said, not caring that Hugo wouldn't be able to hear me. I just wanted him to be okay.
He reached over for the pad and wrote to me, "Please, Kevin, if I take your money will you still love me?"
"Oh, Baby," I wrote, that won't make me not love you. I love you because I love you and because you deserve to be loved... not because of money!"
"Because if you cannot love me if I take money, then I don't want it..." Hugo wrote. I know he must have felt awful turning down a chance to secure the medical care that Jilder needed immediately.
"I love you no matter what you decide, Hugo. You must decide what you will do. I will do whatever you say, and I will love you no matter what you do," I wrote.
Hugo didn't write anything.
Instead, he got up and left the room not telling me what he was doing. My heart skipped a beat. I was panicked. Was he walking out on me? What was going on with him? My spirit fell into a great abyss...
After what seemed like forever..., Hugo came back into the room with a box. He set the box down on the bed next to me and opened it. Inside was a very ornate silver ring with a black onyx stone set in it. Hugo went to get the pad and wrote to me, "This is my father's ring. He gave it to me just before he went back to Mexico. It is all that he had, but he gave it to me because he loved me. Now I will give the ring to you, if you will lend me your money. The ring is worth only about $200, but it is the most valuable thing I own. Please accept my ring for the money, and I will pay you back a little each month."
"Of course, Hugo. It is a very beautiful ring and worth every penny of the money that I offered. Actually, you have given something of greater value than the amount I offered. I would be honored to accept your ring," I wrote.
Hugo looked up at me with sadness in his eyes realizing what he had just done... how much he had given, but he seemed reconcilled with the means he had chosen to resolve his conflict. He looked into my eyes and wrote, "I am giving up my father's ring for my brother. It is the right thing to do."
I was happy that I had not destroyed our love with my arrogance, and I promised myself once again... NEVER will I plunder and pillage Hugo's life again.
"You want me to telephone the bank then?" I wrote on the pad?
"Yes. Please." Hugo replied.
And I leaned over and kissed him respectfully on the lips, grateful that he would let in my love.
"Then I'll do it immediately tomorrow morning." I wrote.
We 'talked' late into the night, but I never brought up the papers he had left for me from the researchers who wanted to attempt stem-cell grafts. If Hugo wanted to deal with that, he would tell me... Until that time, it was not my place to pressure him to be what I thought he should be.
Jake came in again after we ate supper and took my blood pressure reading and pulse. Hugo and I lay together in bed planning what we would do tomorrow to start the ball rolling on Jilder's operation. He had some definite ideas that surprised me.
Hugo said, "I know that the doctors have to give Jilder pain medications, but I must speak with Dr.Gilmer before the operation to tell him that he must use only a little pain medications. I don't want Jilder to hurt, but also I don't want Jilder to become addicted to morphine or oxycodone." Clearly Hugo knew about addiction from being around the hospital, and he was adamant about avoiding addiction for Jilder.
Finally sleep overtook our ambitious conversation, and we faded away in each other's arms. Jake must have come in later, because someone had turned off the lights, covered us with a blanket, and left us together undisturbed.
Just as the day before, Hugo was up and gone before I awoke. As soon as I was aware that it was a new day, maybe 9am or so, I reached for the room telephone and placed a call to my bank. I gave the instructions and told them that I would send someone over this morning to pick up the cashier's checks as soon as possible. I described Hugo and said that he would identify himself as an employee of the hospital and courier the checks to me over here.
Right on schedule, at 11am, Hugo came into my room beaming holding an envelope in his hand. The two cashier's checks were there, one made out to the hospital and the other made payable to Dr. Gilmer, Jilder's surgeon. Hugo picked up the pad and pen and asked whether I thought it would be alright to pay them right away, or whether he needed to make an appointment.
I told him that if it were me, I'd go to Jilder's doctor, request to see him briefly in person, and tell him that I would like him to schedule the operation as soon as possible, that is, IF the doctor was able to accept partial payment for his work today, and the balance in maybe 6 months. Then, the doctor could go to the hospital and tell them what he wanted. The hospital would probably not want to accept the money until everything was scheduled by the physician. So Hugo would have to keep the Cashier's check for $3,000 until things were set up.
For myself, I could have given Jilder the balance for the surgeon as we spoke, but I knew that this would be more stress that Hugo would have to process; so I didn't suggest anything different from what he had agreed to last night. He seemed happy with what he knew he had to do. And he gave me a quick kiss on the lips and rushed out of the room wasting no time to get to his errands.
I finished breakfast alone and waited for Dr. Bickford and Dr. Aarons to drop in. I didn't have to wait long before both arrived with Jake in tow.
"Well, Kevin," Dr. Bickford began, "Your condition seems to have resolved itself in large measure, and you do not appear to have any visible evidence of a pending relapse; so Dr. Aarons and I are in agreement that we will release you day after tomorrow."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," I exclaimed.
"Now it goes without saying that you have agreed not to return to work for a substantial period of time-- three months I'm told, and immediately after you leave the hospital you will continue to take it easy at home, getting rest and not undertaking extreme physical or emotional stresses. You will have someone available to assist you, I'm assuming?" Dr. Bickford said.
"Well, I haven't spoken with Hugo, but I think we will be able to set up some arrangement where he will spend a little time with me each day. Will I be able to drive and go for walks?" I asked.
"I'll trust you to determine whether you can drive safely. You haven't reported any dizziness except when you are walking or moving about. May I take that to mean that you are not having any lapses in attention that would make you a hazard on the road?" the doctor questioned.
"You're correct. I'm alert, and my attention is perfect. Even the balance problem only presents itself when I'm walking; so I'll just watch it when I'm taking walks."
"Well, okay, fine; then we'll fill out the release papers and date them for Wednesday. You have anything, Dr. Aarons?" Dr. Bickford said and turned to his colleague.
"Nothing that I think would need to be dealt with at this time. I would like to drop in later to inquire, when Kevin has the time, whether he has had any more meaningful dreams since we last spoke... His evident high state of physical well-being indicates a stable and positive mental outlook. It's that I'm interested in..." And Dr. Aarons smiled at me warmly.
"Fine, then we'll be off. Nice doing business with you Kevin..." and he patted my foot as he led his entourage out of the room. Jake winked at me on the way out...
"Whoopee!" I thought. "I'm going home. I'm going home..." I couldn't have been happier.
It was after one o'clock, and I was getting hungry. I wondered what Hugo was doing and whether it was likely he'd get here for a late lunch. I had no sooner had the thought than he walked in. What a change in spirit had come over Hugo. He smiled and took the time to come over and squeeze my penis! "Oh, My God," I thought... I gotta EAT first before I'm up to any grab-assing....
He didn't have any serious amorous intentions. He was just happy and feeling his oats, as Papa used to say.
Hugo looked for the pad and quickly wrote me all about his meeting with Jilder's doctor. He had everything set up to go on Thursday of this week. The doctor had been especially eager to get that bar inside of Jilder's ribcage to permit him to breathe properly, given that the bar would remove the inward pressure on the lungs.
Hugo said that Jilder was relieved that he would start breathing normally by the weekend, even though it meant quite a painful and invasive operation. The feeling of suffocating however mitigated his fear of surgery. Hugo said Jilder was ready to do anything to be able to breathe! And Hugo was palpably joyful at what he had set in motion.
I took the pad and asked, "Would you allow me to go to the hospital with you on Thursday?"
Hugo read my message and looked up at me surprised and with big questioning eyes. I continued, "Guess what, I'm getting out on Wednesday! Can you help me? Maybe come by after work... or let me pick you up in the car after work?" I wrote.
Hugo gave me a big hug and smiled broadly, "Oh, sure, I will help you... I can go home with you on Wednesday, and then come back to work..." Hugo volunteered.
"Well, I don't know what I'm going to be able to do yet... I've got to arrange to be driven home from this hospital. I've got to go to the impound lot and pick up my car. Then I'm free to do whatever you need to do. I may tire easily; I don't know; but we'll see," I wrote out.
"Just let me know what you will be able to do," Hugo asked in his message back to me.
We sat there happy together, anticipating me getting out of one hospital and Jilder going into another one.
Jake came in right then and asked me about supper. I told him that I'd order whenever he wanted me to, and Hugo took off for the hospital kitchen to do his magic. "God only knows what he'll come back with..." Jake said, "Maybe I should just wait to see what Hugo does. I suspect he'll have your supper right here on the floor, faster than I could arrange it anyhow..." And with that he patted my leg and said, "Buzz me if you need anything. I'll be getting supper for everyone else."
I was alone for a brief moment: Hugo gone to the kitchen, Jake back at the nurses' station, and both doctors dealt with. My mind ran back to thoughts of the paperwork over there in the bedside table. I knew that Hugo had been too consumed by his concern for Jilder to think about himself or the research project. I thought, "Oh, well, I'll wait a while until Jilder is safely out of his surgery and on the mend, and Hugo might bring it up on his own, when he's ready to deal with his own appointment with destiny-- or God, or whatever he decides he's dealing with."
As I'd hopped, Hugo brought up a medley of fresh diced tomatoes, chopped onions, cilantro, florettes of broccoli and cauliflower next to a nice big chunk of grilled pink salmon... It looked marvelous, and I was super hungry tonight. This man really does do miracles in the diet department. To celebrate our joint happiness, Hugo shared a bar of dark chocolate that he'd squirreled away. It had 85% cocoa and 10 grams of sugar in the whole bar... We would be well under his limit for me of 25 grams of sugar per day (and it would be 12 grams/day if he thought he could get me to comply...)
And the evening wore on, complete in its perfection, adding joy to our lives. Maybe we hadn't yet replaced all of our shortcomings with corrections yet, but for now, the happiness of the moment was sufficient and life was good...
But life is new in every moment... which I was to find, everyday, from this day forth.
Hugo was up and gone once again before six after a restful night's sleep together.
I did some telephoning to gather information that I now wanted to know. First, I telephoned the County Office of Administration and asked where I might inquire about the details of filing for a Domestic Partnership Agreement.
The wheels were grinding over in my mind, and should Hugo ever come to any conclusions about wanting his hearing back, I wanted to be ready to act quickly. I figured that if he and I were in a Domestic Partnership, then my state employment insurance coverage would cover my partner, which might provide nice security even though the research endowment was supposed to cover all medical costs.
Next, I telephoned the university faculty insurance office and asked them to mail to my home address all written guidance concerning medical coverage for domestic partners of covered staff... and dependents too? who knows, maybe Jilder might fit in too... I might be all wet, but I'm going to look into every conceivable possibility.
"Okay, okay," I thought. "I KNOW I haven't even proposed to Hugo. I'm an insufferable planner who would run over Hugo's prerogatives again if given the chance. But I PROMISE, God, I won't say a word to Hugo... I just want to be prepared if he seems ready to go after his lost hearing."
I learned that there is a hospital shuttle service that would take me to the impound lot to claim my vehicle. I phoned them and arranged for pickup tomorrow around 9am here at the hospital. I sure hope the impound lot took good care of my car. Good grief it will be nearly a month since I saw it last. I sure hope it's still running...
My mind was racing: "When Hugo comes in tonight, I'll be able to tell him that I can pick him up from work tomorrow afternoon, and then he may want to visit Jilder in the evening... I'm eager to meet Jilder... I hope he likes me. Kids are very opinionated," I worried. "And they're unpredictable in their likes and dislikes. I wonder whether Jilder knows that his brother is gay? Humm? I'll have to be careful with that one," I thought.
Hugo didn't even stop by at lunch. I know he was trying to be conscientious with his work at the hospital; he appreciated their giving him time to take care of Jilder's business yesterday, and I knew that he would be especially attentive to his work responsibilities in return. Hugo felt a great sense of accomplishment when he did something well, and that was especially true of his work. He worked hard.
So by the time the day was over and I was prepared mentally to be released tomorrow, Hugo came in after work. It was about supper time, I suppose.
He picked up the pad and wrote, "Oh, Babe, today was a bitch!" (He just never called me Babe... I smiled with pride when I read that... and he never cursed...)
"Really!" I wrote back. "What happened?"
"There was a bad accident last night, and the emergency room was full of people this morning when I got to work. There was blood everywhere and torn clothes and bloody laundry... I had to be careful not to get any of the blood on me, but it was a mess trying to clean up that place..."
"Did you even get to eat lunch today?" I asked.
"Not really. It was almost 2pm before they got everyone stabilized and moved to surgery. I didn't have a moment to sit down. I was rolling hurt people from place to place on the gurneys like the nurses and doctors told me. I've never seen such a thing before," Hugo wrote. "After it was over, I felt scared... I don't know why 'cause nothing happened to me, but just seeing everyone close to dying and crying made me really nervous." he continued.
"How are you feeling now?" I asked.
"Well, okay I think... I still worry about those people. I sure hope the doctors can save them. It was really bad."
"But you know that YOU really are okay, don't you Hugo," I wrote and paused looking him in the eye. I could see that he was shaken from his ordeal.
"Yeah! I KNOW... but still..." and he started crying.
I reached over and put my hands on his shoulders; then I let them slip down and began rubbing his back.
He continued to write, "There was this one guy who had a big gash in his face and the doctors were trying to save his face and his nose," and Hugo just bellowed like his heart was breaking.
"He was so young, Kev... Just a boy like Jilder." Hugo wrote hardly legible.
I pulled Hugo close to my body and rocked him in his grief. I felt so sorry for him. He was unbelievably sensitive to the pain that others endured. I couldn't protect him from the world... "Oh, God," I thought, "What is the truth about what is going on with Hugo? What do you want me to be in this situation? What must I do?" I asked
It occurred to me that Hugo just needed the human contact I was giving him. I felt that he needed to feel that he was loved, and maybe I ought to remind him that his love for the injured people would play a part in their healing from their terrible ordeal, just like his love for me had helped me to recover. He just needed to realize that his love mattered, that he mattered. And I told him what I thought.
With that, Hugo shuddered and his sobbing abated. I only hope he felt loved at that moment and understood that his love was important.
We didn't eat a lot. Jake had some vegetable soup sent up for us, and Hugo and I each ate a bit of tuna sandwich, but that was all we felt like eating. I just held Hugo all night until he fell off to sleep in my arms.
Now more than ever I realized why he may not rush to regain his hearing and let in more of the pain around him. After all, although he SAW the pandemonium and WITNESSED people crying, he was spared sounds from those agonized souls. Once more I asked, "God, what is the meaning of this time I'm witnessing in Hugo's life? What do I need to do to give him the blessings that he needs?"
And my mind went blank.
There was a gentle knock on the door. Almost immediately the door opened, and Dr. Aarons looked in on us. He saw me cradling the sleeping Hugo in my arms. He smiled and said softly, "I'm sorry to intrude. I just wanted to speak with you when you have time... I see that you have something important to do at the moment.
I nodded and smiled and said very, very softly, "Can you come back sometime tomorrow before I leave?"
"Sure," he replied. And he smiled again, as he left the room.
"Yes," I thought. "I do have something important to do right now."
And I knew that this is what I was to do.
Love Hugo and be with him.