After Dr. Aarons left I just couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities for Hugo. I thought about what he stood to gain should he undergo a successful stem-cell procedure and what he had to lose if it failed.
For the life of me, I couldn't find any downside, except that there would be loss of a very substantial sum of money, the source of which I had yet to think about.
Clearly there would be the immediate physical stress of recovering from very invasive ear & brain-adjacent surgery. Hugo would need time off from work and a place with care to remain while healing.
Somehow the money to sustain him through a 3-6 month recovery would have to come from somewhere too. Of course, Hugo doesn't have that kind of money. Just as he can't pay his own medical expenses--even if they were largely covered in a research grant--he probably wouldn't be able to live if he didn't work. I just didn't know how the logistics problems could be solved.
In his favor, Hugo is a strong and healthy young man who would respond positively to surgical stress. No, even given the financial and other logistics problems, this sounded like a reasonable risk to take and even a fantastic opportunity of a lifetime. It remained to be seen how Hugo would process this information when we discussed it together. He was frightened by it before, according to Dr. Aarons.
This man brought me back to life-- literally. I want to express my gratitude for his selfless gift of love and attention to me. Giving him all the support I could muster would be the best possible extension of the forces of love that saved me, and then they would be returned to regenerate life for him...
I was dozing off and on when Hugo came in after ten Sunday night. He looked like he'd put in a full day's work instead of going on a social visit to see his brother. He looked exhausted.
The first thing I realized was Hugo climbing on the bed laying his huge body along side of mine.
"Hummm..." I grunted and smiled sleepily.
Hugo just cuddled up close to me and kissed me on the neck. He didn't make any effort to get his pad and pen; so I didn't insist that he "talk" or exert himself in any way. He moved himself around, gathering me up in his arms and holding me in a comfortable hug. He kissed me on the head and neck over and over. I felt so secure in his arms, drawn against his massive shoulders and torso.
The bedside lamp was still on, but I couldn't generate the energy necessary to get up, turn off the lights, and bring extra pillows. We both just went to sleep. Apparently it was what we both needed.
My original nurse looked in on me around 7am. Hugo had risen and disappeared, probably before six, to go to work, because I never realized he was gone.
"Still here, I see," the nurse said smiling as she opened the venetian blinds a bit letting the morning light flood my room.
"Oh, yeah! Unfortunately they haven't thrown me out quite yet, but I'm working on it..." I replied.
I went on... "Any suggestions about what I might do to wear out my welcome and get evicted-- that wouldn't involve the police?" I said still teasing her.
"Shame on you, Mr. Kramer. After all we've been doing around here to make you healthy, this is the kind of esteem in which we're held..." she said with a pretend hurt expression.
"Okay, okay, you win. I cannot tell a lie. I am most grateful for the wonderful care I've received, and I'd recommend this hospital to anyone unfortunate enough to need it!" I'm not sure whether that came out as the compliment I intended, but the nurse laughed and patted me on the foot.
"Let's get your vitals and think about breakfast," she said.
The blood numbers were predictably very good and not even worth a comment. "You thought about eating this morning?" the nurse asked.
"Not really," I said. "But eventually I'll get there. Is there any cutoff time for ordering," I asked.
"No. The kitchen can serve all meals at all hours," she answered.
"Then I think I'll wait a while. Besides, I may have a visitor sometime, and we might be able to eat together."
"Oh, Hugo, of course. He's been at work since six. He could certainly stop in on his big, mid-morning break," she added.
"Well, then," she said. "I'll just run along and leave you to your healing... By the way, how is that balance doing? Notice anything new recently?"
"It isn't predictable, and mostly I can move around with no problems, but every once in a while, when I'm rounding a corner or moving a little fast, I have a dizzy spell and have to grab the wall or a piece of furniture to steady myself."
"Humm? When was the last time that happened?" she asked.
"Early last night, when I was going to the bathroom. I spun around quickly, not thinking, and boom, out of the blue, I was loosing my balance. I didn't fall, but I had to put my shoulder up against the wall to catch myself."
"Be sure to tell the doctors about that today," she instructed.
"Oh, okay, sure..."
With that, she left me alone. She had hardly gone when Hugo came in smiling and looking very pleasant. He went directly to the bedside table for the pad and pen.
"I missed you yesterday... I was away from you for so long," he wrote.
"All day I looked forward to you coming back last night." I answered.
He smiled and wrote, "Good!"
"Do you have time to sit awhile and have something to eat?" I asked.
"Yes. I told the kitchen to send up some whole grain cooked cereal, a little fruit (blueberries today I think), and my SPECIAL breakfast dish-- just for you. And I'll eat something too," he added.
With that he went back out into the hall and returned in seconds with a cart loaded with food. He positioned the cart right next to the bed-- so that I could reach it-- and close enough for him to uncover everything.
I looked over and saw a huge serving bowl of steaming hot cereal, two bowls of mixed berries (strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries), a container of almond milk and 6 fresh eggs.
I wrote, "Oh, we're having hard boiled eggs this morning," I asked.
"No." Hugo wrote.
"No? Then what are those for--" I motioned toward the eggs when I finished writing.
"That, My Friend, is my special breakfast meal that I will prepare now just for you... (and me too)" he wrote.
He reached down to a lower shelf on the cart and brought up two large glass tumblers. He picked up an egg and rapped it against the edge of a glass hard enough to break the shell. With that he opened the shell and emptied its contents into the glass with a flourish. Then he did the same thing two more times. By the time he stopped there were three big yellow blobs floating in a half glass of clear egg whites. I consciously chose to ignore the 3 little trails of white rooster sperm-- fertilized eggs no question.
Next he poured maybe a half-cup or more of almond milk on top of the raw eggs, and spooned in four tablespoons of fresh blueberries and a dash of vanilla extract.
He reached down to the bottom shelf of the cart and brought up a hand mixer--battery powered--that resembled one of those expensive electric toothbrushes. He started buzzing up the contents of the glass with the mixer...
"Where the fuck did you get all THAT?" I wrote hastily...
He just smiled and kept working. He didn't pause until he had prepared an identical drink for himself. Then he sat down and took the pad.
"You need healthy protein to heal. And fresh eggs have vitamins that are destroyed if you cook them. Eat your breakfast!" he wrote with authority.
"Yes, Sir..." I wrote back...
And we ate.
When I finished eating, I felt completely satisfied-- no sense of lingering hunger, and I wasn't sleepy either.
"Hugo," I wrote. "That was fantastic-- but RAW EGGS!!??"
He just smiled as he stowed all the dishes back on the cart.
I grabbed the pad and decided that I just had to ask him about the medical papers. I just couldn't wait any longer. "Say, Hugo, did you have time to pick up those papers the doctors left with you after they examined you for hearing?"
He took the pad back and wrote, "Yes. I put them in the top drawer of your bedside table." And he handed the pad back to me with a smile.
"Oh! Good. I talked to Dr. Aarons yesterday, and he said that while there's no guarantee that the operation will return your hearing, the research work with stem cells is at a point where they believe it CAN BE a correction to the damage in your auditory nerve. He said that it has an excellent chance to work. I know that the whole thing scares you, but, baby, it looks like an excellent chance for you-- if you don't mind taking a chance that it could also fail. But you wouldn't lose a thing, baby. And you might win!"
Hugo read what I had just written, and he shook his head, thought a bit, and finally wrote..."I don't know, Kev... I don't know..."
He was scared.
"I love you, Hugo. You saved me. I want to help you in return. If you decide to try it, I'll stay with you every minute and take care of you while you recover. You can live with me, and ask for time off from work for the surgery and the recovery. I'd bet that they would be more than happy to keep your job open for you."
"Thanks Kevin, but did you think about how much that operation will cost? And I have to work to eat. Then there's Jilder who is not doing good. No. I can't see how it could work." Hugo wrote back.
"Well I don't know how the money could work either, Hugo. But let me read the doctors papers and see what they say about financing, if anything. Please don't make your final decision yet. Let's talk about it some more... I think you deserve to give yourself the extra time. There's no rush." I wrote, trying to avoid his shutting the door on the whole thing.
"Hugo, I earn enough to support both of us comfortably, and we must talk about Jilder as soon as we can take the time. There is a lot of important stuff for us to talk about right away," I wrote.
"Okay" he scribbled in reply.
"I gotta get back to work." Then he smiled and leaned over to give me a quick kiss on the lips.
With that, he rolled the cart away and made a god-awful banging noise as he got himself and the cart containing the noisy dishes out the door. I know the hospital would be happy if he could hear. Then he'd work quieter too, I thought and smiled at my rather fussy concern.
I reached over to open the drawer in the bedside table and pulled out a very large manila envelope of considerable thickness. I guessed that this would be my reading material for the afternoon.
Steeped in the data from successful animal model stem-cell procedures that had been standardized and laid out in checklist form, I was convinced that the researchers were determined to leave nothing to chance. They clearly valued any human research subject to the extent that they had provided all of their documented success to a prospective patient, and they committed themselves to an extended and on-going liaison with the patient, from preliminary examination through the entire process and well into the recovery period measured in years.
On the matter of cost they revealed that they had accumulated $90,000,000 in private gifts for the continuation of their ambitious project! These research monies would pay all medical expenses related to the procedure and any costs for medical treatments that might develop should unforeseen complications arise, to extend indefinitely."Eventually they would be successful in their pursuit. Why not now," I thought? "Why not with Hugo?"
"If only I can persuade Hugo that getting his hearing back would be worth the pain and risk," I kept thinking. "And even if the procedure didn't restore his hearing, he would be no worse off. The procedure would have no deleterious effects; it just would not restore the integrity of the nerves."
But I had to remember that it would not be me who underwent that surgery right next to my brain. What if something really horrible did happen? Oh my god, I just couldn't hold that thought for longer than an instant. Was I prepared to encourage Hugo to sign the release form that gave up all right to sue if he should suffer catastrophic injury? God, there was so much more to this than I thought at first.
The morning passed; it was finally late afternoon. Hugo had popped his head in the door and told me that he was too busy today to come up for lunch, but that he would be off at 5pm, and he would be here for supper. I gave him a hearty hug, a long kiss, and a pat on the butt. He smiled and ran off quickly.
I reread the paperwork again. By the time I'd completed it a second time, I was beginning to suffer from that profound fatigue again for the first time in two days. I'd been pushing my nervous system today, and the fact that my recovery was not by any means complete really came home to me. I closed my eyes and responded to the fatigue... I went away quickly in peace.
Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock...
"Kevin, what are you doing here?"
"I don't know, Papa...I think I must have over done it a little."
"What did you do?"
"I didn't think I was doing anything at all, just reading some reports from the doctor about Hugo's hearing... But I read most of the day trying to understand everything they said. Then I felt really, really tired, and I fell asleep exhausted."
"Humm? Seems to me it was what you might be trying TO DO with all that new information that wore you out, not the reading itself."
"What I'm trying to do with what I've learned? What do you mean?"
"Of course. You see how it's possible for Hugo to hear again, and, in your mind, you are preparing for that to occur, but you have forgotten one important thing."
"What?"
"Hugo has got to want to hear again. And you're trying mightily to make that happen, and THAT is what is wearing you out. It's not yours to do, Kev..."
"What?? That makes no sense at all to me!" I said in exasperation.
"Well, you think your shutting down your own body in a way that nearly killed you is entirely plausible now; you didn't require anyone else's help. Now that you see that it really did happen for you and WHY it happened, then why would it be more difficult to see that Hugo has shut off his hearing because it was too painful to listen to the suffering in his brother's voice and the sadness in his parents voices, and in his life in general. He'd had enough...."
"Is it really that way, Papa?"
"Sadly, yes, Kev. Hugo is one profoundly hurt young man. His retreat into deafness brought a measure of relief from the input of sadness that was rapidly extinguishing his will to live. Better deaf than dead, Kev. This was his best effort, Kevin. He didn't know what else to do. You must respect that..."
"Oh, Papa, I never understood. And I've been pushing the whole idea out of my own stupidity.... AGAIN, Papa, I'm trying to do what I NEED FOR MYSELF, and not asking 'What does Love want, here'. Oh, Papa, Papa, how could I be so stupid. I really love him, but I'm pushing my will on him even if it may hurt him... Papa, I feel awful seeing what I'm doing."
"Kev, give yourself a break...you must not be critical of yourself. You have much to learn too, and harming your fragile, growing understanding of yourself will not be productive. It's like you need to learn to eat differently too, but you must not stop eating altogether just because you might occasionally eat something that isn't good for you... You must continue to do the things you always did, allowing yourself to replace the unproductive ways as you discover them. You will respond to Hugo differently now that you understand better what being deaf means to him. He can't give it up until he knows that he can deal with the messages that are bound to reach him if he hears; he needs to see beyond his memory of sad and painful words."
"Oh, Papa...." I said, and I began to cry.
"I told you this once before, but I want you to hear it again," Papa said: "You want to give what meets the need. You want to give what actually constitutes a blessing, and you will not know what that is until you ask what it is by saying, "Father, fill me with what You would have me be, in spite of what I THINK I want to do, in spite of what I THINK Hugo, or he or she needs."
That idea sounded so simple, but I kept missing it. I never realized I must stop in mid thought and ask: "Father, what does this really means? What do you want me to be at this time?"
I realized at that moment how aversive any specific reference to God is to me. I don't really believe in God... Yet I MUST?-- sort of-- I'm just a total mess and hardly fit to be much help to Hugo. I know Hugo talks to God, but...
"Kev," Papa said. "You are all that Hugo has, and your love is ALL that he needs... You are hardly a total mess, and you are imminently fit to love him. But you cannot live THROUGH HIM. He may not be ready to hear, Kev. And that is not for you to decide. You may only love him whatever he chooses to do."
You know, I never really SEE Papa when we talk, but he's there as surely as I am alive and speaking to you. And I never really want to leave him. Oh, I understand that things move on beyond my control; I am very happy for my visits, but I never like to leave him... not really.
"Kev. You will have to avoid trying to do the impossible. That will make your life so much easier and free up your energy for your recovery," Papa said.
"Okay, Papa." I said. "I love you."
"I love you too, Kev," and he kissed me... (Don't ask me how I know he kissed me, but he did.) He kissed me..., and I woke up.
The clock on the table next to the bed said 6pm. "I must not have slept for more than an hour," I thought.
I wanted to get out of there. Suddenly I was impatient with being in the room and with my confinement in the hospital. Up until then I had been content for it to be my whole world. But for some reason, now though, it wouldn't do.
I got up and looked in the drawers of the dresser and then in the closet and then in the bathroom searching for my clothes. I couldn't find them.
I was walking back to the bed when Hugo came in.
He looked so surprised seeing me standing that I almost laughed.
I went to the table and picked up the pad and wrote: "Did you think I'd wanted to spend the rest of my life in that bed?"
He smiled and wrote, "Nooooo, but... do you feel like walking around?"
"No. I feel like going to a movie!" I wrote back.
He laughed and answered, "Well, you might tell the doctors."
"Yeah! I know..." I admitted.
I went on..."But if I have to stay in that bed any longer, I want you in there with me fucking me!"
Hugo cracked up when he read that. He even turned a little red, something not too easy to detect given his complexion.
"Mr. Kramer, are you coming on to me?" he wrote teasing me.
"NO. I'm telling you I wanna be fucked now! You up to it?"
"Even before we have supper?" He offered as a delaying tactic...
I wrote, "Before supper, after supper, before bedtime, middle of the night, first thing in the morning, I'm ready when you are... any and ALL OF THOSE TIMES!!! I am so fucking horny for you... and I love you and love for you to fuck me!"
"WHAT DID YOU EAT?" he scribbled hastily.
"You and your healthy food, HUGO!!!! CAN'T A GUY JUST WANNA GET FUCKED WITHOUT IT HAVING A DIETARY IMPLICATION??" I wrote with a smirk.
"You ARE a turkey!!!" He replied as he threw the pad at me and pulled me to him at the same time.
He reached down to where the back of my hospital gown was open, and he put the fingers of both hands into the crack between my buttocks and he pulled the cheeks apart stretching the skin around my anus sending little tingling sensations around my hole and up my testicles pulled up tightly nearby.
I grasped him around his immense chest as he kissed me with his mouth and his tongue. I lifted my hands up until they held his head, and I fluffed his black wavy hair that now flowed amply over his ears and the back of his neck.
The stubble on his face scraped my cheeks wonderfully, and I felt immensely happy sharing this man's attention.
I pulled away from him just a little until he was able to look into my eyes and see my lips.
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" I mouthed the words slowly and then pulled him to me for another kiss. Hugo pulled away then and looked directly into my eyes again and spoke out loud, "I love you too, Kevin." Maybe I was the only one who could have understood him, but then, I was the only one whose understanding mattered at that moment.
It was necessary for me to stand on my toes to reach his face, and even that did not make us the same height.
By now my penis was hard and protruding between us, flopping from side to side just beneath my hospital gown.
Hugo untied the gown and pulled it off of me entirely, looking at me standing there in front of him, completely naked and with a hard, pulsing cock. He grabbed it with his hand and began to masturbate me slowly, looking directly into my eyes. I mouthed the words silently, "Fuck me," to him...
With that Hugo pulled his loose fitting, light green scrub top off over his head and quickly unfastened the drawstring pants that then fell to his ankles. He stepped out of them and toward me. Together we stood unconcealed in any way from each other, two human beings undergoing the most extraordinary act of revelation and discovery possible: finding that actually they are One, and that there is no real separation.
I backed up to the bed and fell over backward allowing him to follow on top of me. He wrestled my legs apart and placed his large dark body between them. Standing there in all of his hairy masculine beauty, the sight of Hugo made me melt entirely leaving in my consciousness only the intense urge to be mounted. He tilted his body just enough to allow the head of his stocky penis to probe my anus. My legs automatically spread open as wide as possible as the feeling of wanting him to push his penis inside of me rose to become the totality of my consciousness. I existed only for his love, and he entered me as be bent down, held my face in both hands, and kissed me tenderly.
The feeling of his penis inside of my rectum up against my prostate generated the most intense longing for delivery from some unnamed itch or agitation, some existential sex urge that I could only feel and never describe. The words, "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me," were the only communication that formed in my mind.
And he did.
Hugo's whole body undulated as he thrust his penis in and out of me. He kissed my face and my ears and my head in a kind of frenzy, looking for release of his own from our mutual sexual conflagration. We joined together in a single journey to epi-consciousness, where only the ecstasy of pure being existed. Then, when it seemed that we would both obliterate ourselves in this wanton, sensual indulgence, the reproductive surge of sperms was unleashed from both of us. Sperm shot into my body from Hugo's with six clearly definable pulses of his penile shaft, and my crotch unburdened itself in a great spasm of as many surges and with ample quantities of warm, gooey fluid.
We both grunted wildly in our orgasms and shuddered together in our ecstasy.
And then we both lay there spent... for quite some time, I think.
A disembodied voice spoke timidly from the partially open door to the room. "Anybody in here interested in supper?" Jake's voice said.