Chapter 31 - Getting To Grips
The journey was silent. None of us spoke, Conner, Sean or I. We were worried, Conner and I for ourselves and each other and my brother for the two of us. I didn't even have the music on. I indicated to turn into the car park and held my breath, waiting to see on looking faces. There were many. Other guys standing outside of their cars following us with their eyes as I drove to my usual parking space. This was the sort of thing that I had been expecting, the looks. Those looks that I got just a few years ago, ones that seemed to say 'that's the one, there he is.' Looks that made you feel uncomfortable. Like in An American Werewolf In London when the hikers walk into the local pub at the beginning and everybody stops and stares at them. I parked the car and turned the engine off.
"Danny? I don't think that I can do this anymore."
"We're here now babes, imagine what they'd think if we just drove out again."
"I suppose so. Why are they looking at us like that though? They didn't do that at the party."
"I don't know, it's a different situation here."
"I don't like it. It looks as if they're planning something."
"They just don't understand that's all. What do you want to do? Do you want to stay with me when we walk in or are you going to go to your friends in your year group?"
"If I have any left I'll go to them, I think we should carry on like there's nothing unusual, not like it didn't happen, but just try and follow a normal school day."
"OK, but I want to see you every opportunity. Every break time and at lunch. I want to see for myself that you're OK, that nobody's threatened you or anything like that."
"We'll walk in together Conner." My brother finally suggested, they usually did, but this time it needed to be affirmed.
"You going up to the common room?"
"Uh huh. I told Trix I'd meet him in there."
"OK, well shall we all walk into the school gates together anyway."
"Yeah, probably a good idea."
We all got out of my car, Conner hoisted his school bag onto his back and started walking slowly towards the car park exit, allowing Sean and I to catch up with him. As Sean and I walked to catch him up, not that he'd gone far, I whispered into his ear.
"I don't want you to take your eyes off him today OK? Don't let him out of your site!."
Sean simply nodded and carried on walking. I came up in line with Conner and was tempted to take his hand but thought it unwise at this early stage with people watching us as we walked in. We made the journey to the school gates and Conner and Sean stopped and turned to talk to me.
"So shall we meet here at first break?"
"And second, and at lunch and after school."
"OK then."
"We should kiss you know? Give them a reason to stare." Conner smiled and laughed, the first time today.
"What would you do if I agreed?"
"Kiss you."
"You're serious?"
"Why not? They all know, what difference does it make?"
"I want to, you know that, but that would be, like, a little too weird."
"Fair enough. We'll meet here first break then?"
"Yeah."
"I'll see you later babes."
"Danny?"
"Yeah?"
"Shall we?"
"Shall we what?"
"Kiss."
"It's up to you babes, it would put people off making fun of us though, if they see that we don't care what they think or how they look, they'll get bored quicker. Maybe anyhow."
"You're going to have to start this then. I'm too nervous."
I walked back up to him and put one hand on his shoulder and the other behind his head and pulled him into a passionate kiss without hesitation. I slipped my tongue out of his mouth, looked into his seemingly relieved eyes and didn't care about the looks that we were probably getting from other students.
"I'll see you later then."
"Uh huh. Take care gorgeous."
"You too babes." I smiled at him and walked away as if nothing unusual had just taken place. I noticed a few funny looks as I walked to the common room and when I went into the common room too. I looked over and found my friends straight away, they were all sitting together in our usual corner, Trix, Luke, Scott, James and Toby, the girls had no lessons at our school on Mondays and so weren't around anyway.
"Hey, you OK?"
"Yeah, actually. I'm surprised but I feel fine."
"Conner OK?"
"I hope so, he seemed a little nervous and upset, but Sean's looking out for him for me."
"I'm pretty sure that Ryan will stick around with those two today as well." James added.
"How are you guys?" Both James and Scott looked nervous.
"Err, I feel a little weird." Scott said. "It's the way people look at me, it's a little daunting."
"It is, but just remember that they don't matter in the long run."
"What the fuck have you done?" A quiet, menacing voice spoke into my ear. It thrilled me to hear it. For the first time ever, I was thrilled to hear it.
"Ahh John! Hi, how are you?"
"Cut that shit right now Owen. What are you playing at?"
"Well, I figured that since you were going to tell everyone, I thought it best that they heard it from me, and Conner. News travels fast John, it looks as if you missed the first train."
"Fuck you!"
"Oh I'm sorry, did I ruin your little plan? You see since I came out myself, it isn't as big news as it would have been. I told them, I admitted to it and so they realise that I don't care and so they won't get any fun from trying to make me feel bad about it. It was a good plan, like yours, only mine was fool proof."
"Fuck you Danny."
"I'm sorry that I was one step ahead of you this time. Our war is over, I won."
"You call outting yourself winning?"
"Yeah, because you didn't get the satisfaction of doing it to me. I won because I beat you over the last hurdle, you don't get any recognition for this because I outted myself, your photo's are just old news." At that moment, Hannah came up beside me and stood smiling at me. John looked to her as I did. Hannah produced a copy of one of the photo's of Conner and me and a marker pen.
"Can I have your autograph please Danny?"
"Of course!"
"Oh you think this is funny do you? Well fuck you too you stupid fucking whore."
"HEY! LOOK MEYRICK, HE SAID NO! DANNY ALREADY HAS A BOYFRIEND AND HE ISN'T INTERESTED IN YOU SO PUSH OFF!" Our whole group of friends burst into fits of laughter. I looked up to John to see his reaction. It was beautifully framed by the silence that had descended upon the rest of the common room, all heads were turned to him and he was looking around frantically, turning white.
"You don't believe that shit do you?" He asked nobody in particular. Silence, nobody answered. John just stormed out of the common room. He had been humiliated once again. The war was over.
"Now that was a classic! Thank you Hannah, I don't think there could have been a better ending to that assholes efforts."
"Danny it was more a pleasure than anything else."
"That was perfect."
"So how about it?"
"What? Will you sign the photo?"
"Serious?"
"Yeah! What's better than having the autograph of a famous porn star?"
"Well, I know I'm only local at the moment, but just you wait. One day you'll be able to see my face on the top shelves in any self respecting sex shop."
"Any teachers said anything to you about it yet?"
"No, there haven't been any lessons yet so no students could have told them."
"What? No, I mean from the e-mails."
"The what?"
"Oh! You didn't know about the e-mails?"
"No, what's going on?"
"John's scanned the photo and sent a copy to the school's mailing white list."
"What do you mean?"
"Every student and member of staff have their own e-mail account through the school whether they use it or not and he's sent a copy of the picture to the mailing list for that. So every student and teacher has it in their inbox now."
"You're fucking kidding me right?"
"Sorry kiddo! I wish I was though."
"The teachers have seen it?"
"Some will have, not all of them use their accounts I don't think, but they probably all know about the picture."
"Will John's name not be on the e-mail though?"
"Yeah, they'll know he sent it."
"He'll get into some shit for that then."
"Hell yeah!"
"So this isn't over then. I'll probably have to speak to the head about this now. Damn it! You think that will happen?"
"More than likely, it involves you."
"Tell me about it!" The bell rang telling us to make our way to registration. We all got up and I made my way to my registration room. When I got in there I got a big smile from my tutor. 'He knows!' I thought to myself. Everybody else took their seats, I next to Luke and Trix as usual.
"So did you have a good half term then Danny?" My tutor said it with a smile, there was no suggestion of malice in his voice. I smiled as everyone turned to me, it was surprising how much it really didn't bother me in the end. Our tutor was one of the younger ones, fresh from uni type. He was the type who could take his own medicine too, we often had slagging off matches in tutorial, always joking though, I liked him and he liked me.
"Well, at least I got some sir." I smiled, a snigger came from the other members of the tutorial group. Mr. Taylor laughed too.
"Oooo, I love it when our fights get personal. No, sorry Danny I didn't mean anything by it. In fact, big respect for coming out. I'll tell your friends too if I see them around."
"Huh? How did you know about the others as well?"
"What do you mean?"
"You didn't find out from the e-mail?"
"What e-mail? I found out from Adam up front here who was at your party." Adam Scott kept his head down, obviously embarrassed as having been pointed out as a gossip monger.
"Oh, there's an e-mail that was sent to the electronic white list or something like that. It was a picture, of err, how do I put it? Conner and I after hours."
"I didn't know anything about that."
"Oh! Nevermind then." Mr. Taylor started taking the register. He must have got about half way through when a knock came on the door and it opened. It was one of the schools two secretaries. She approached Mr. Taylor and spoke quietly to him at the front of the room, he nodded and looked at me.
"Looks as if you've been summoned Danny." Luke told me quietly. The secretary made her way up to me. She stood behind me and lent over to talk quietly into my ear.
"Daniel, the head would like to see you in his office."
"Now?"
"Yes, before first period."
"OK, I'm coming." I stood up, feeling and looking pissed off.
"Danny, once I get out of here, I'll wait for you outside the office. I have a free anyway."
"Sure Trix." And I walked quickly out of the room. There were a couple of kids running into school arriving late but otherwise nobody was around, they were all in with their tutors.
I arrived outside the headmaster's office and waited as the secretary knocked on the door, waited for an answer and then opened it for me.
"Come in Danny." I slowly made my way in and found that both Conner and Meyrick had been hidden from my view before by the door. They were sitting on two of three chairs, it was unavoidable that John was in between us.
"Now Danny, I've just been explaining to John and Conner what has happened. Mr. Green our head of IT noticed an e-mail addressed to the school white list. I'm sure that you know about what was on this e-mail and I must say that it was lucky that he found it yesterday, before students and staff alike came back into school, not many people will have seen it yet. He has deleted the e-mail from the server, from what I gather, I'm not into all the jargon myself. He has told me that there was a number of people who did have time to read the mail before it was removed and I can assure you that we shall be speaking to them promptly. I can understand the delicacy of the situation in which Conner and yourself have been placed and can assure you that we will try our very best to quash any spreading stories about you both. For your own protection may I add."
"That won't be necessary sir. Most people know it's true. We admitted to it at a party last Friday since we knew that John here would be announcing it himself on Monday as he has been trying to do."
"So John has used this as a threat to you for some time now then?"
"Over half term sir."
"I see. John, why?"
"I had my reasons."
"And I'm asking you what they were." Silence.
"With all due respect sir, his reasons are better kept to the three of us. I don't think they'll make much difference at this stage."
"OK, well Danny, Conner. Since you have made your relationship apparent to the students I need to make some points clear. You know the schools policy on bullying and since you are in a position where this may well prove unavoidable I want you to both be very careful. I do not want you to take any matters to hand yourselves, if there is any abuse which you wish to have further action taken on, I want you to bring it to my attention immediately. I will not tolerate students being bullied and can only hope that the pair of you will respect the channels which need to be followed should it occur. As for John, what you have done is a gross violation of Danny and Conners rights. You're bullying towards them was an amoral attempt at defamation for which I feel obliged to tell you that you are a disgusting human being with little to no respect of other people. Now I am going to suspend you for the maximum time that I am able to, thirty days, but I shall also take this up with the board of governors and suggest that you are permanently removed from this school. Is there anything that you can offer in your defence?"
"Not really."
"Sir, I don't think that that's all necessary. Expulsion I mean, the damage is done and in the end it was demeaned by the fact that Conner and I announced it ourselves."
"Danny, he has violated your privacy and has made efforts to destroy your social standing amongst you peers. Most teenagers would want immediate and severe retribution."
"Yes sir, but I feel that it's over now. I am happy to take responsibility for my side of what has happened since we outted ourselves and I think that expulsion may be extreme."
"Well I'll take that into consideration Danny, but I won't promise that he shall not be removed for the benefit of the school itself. Well, since yourself and Conner are willing to be open about yourselves, there is nothing more that I need to say to you two other than if either of you need any help from me as a councillor or as a friend even, then don't hesitate. As for John, there is nothing more that I want to say to you, I don't want to have you in my site! Thank you for coming this morning, I shall most likely be contacting most of you again in the near future." The three of us stood up and made our way out of the office, as Conner closed the door behind him John spoke up.
"What the fuck was that about? I don't need your help."
"John you need all the help you can get you sick fuck up. I wasn't doing that for you, I was doing it for Conner and I. I don't want people going around thinking that we're getting people expelled because we're a couple and don't like people making fun of us, it would make things worse for ourselves because people would think that we couldn't handle it, but we can."
"Don't do me any favours Danny." And he walked away again leaving Conner and I alone.
"You OK?"
"Yeah, that was pretty damn fucked up wasn't it?"
"You could say that."
English went by really weird. People were quieter than normal. I kept on getting glances as I'm sure did James who was sitting with me. What made it worse was we were studying Twelfth Night and Mr. Bennett had suggested that there were connotations of a sexual attraction of Antonio for Sebastian. Everyone went quiet and sort of looked to us from the corners of their eyes, Mr. Bennett obviously didn't know anything about James and I. James was the first to speak up.
"What purpose would that serve though sir?"
"Well, it would help to contrast between the varying forms of love in the play. Self love, fickle love and true love. Antonio through loving Sebastian, shows a more universal and courageous love." The class fell silent again. We moved on to the next scene after that.
"Hey."
"Hey, how's it going?"
"Fine babes, you OK?"
"Yeah."
"You sure you look a bit down."
"I'm fine." I looked to Sean. Sean just shook his head letting me know that there wasn't really anything.
"Somebody said something?" I wasn't willing to let it drop.
"Yeah, a couple of comments. That's all."
"Anyone tried anything physical?"
"No, nothing like that. It just bugs me you know? Fucking childish wankers that we have to put up with. Just little comments, poking fun, don't the fuckers have anything better to do with their time?"
"Probably not. We're going to get the comments babes, you just have to pretend that they don't bother you, even if they do."
"I know, it's just proving difficult because some of these guys were supposed to be my friends."
"I'm sorry. I guess we'll find out more and more this week who our true friends are."
"Looks that way. Speaking of which, where are the others?"
"Waiting in the gardens."
"Shall we go?"
"Yeah. Actually, I'll catch up I have to collect an essay from Chambers."
"OK, Sean, Ryan you two coming?"
"Yeah."
"I'll follow in a minute too guys." Sean followed me. "Danny? I have something to tell you."
"What?"
"Conners been challenged."
"Oh for fucks sake! By who?"
"Brett West."
"How come? What was said I mean?"
"Brett said to Conner when he went into Maths, 'You aren't welcome in this town faggot' and Conner said back 'But you've lived here all your life' it's fucking lucky that Ms Searson walked in or he'd have hit Conner right there and then."
"This West, he's a big guy too isn't he?"
"Lifts weights if that's what you mean. Conner wouldn't really have a chance."
"Did Conner accept?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's not going."
"He's probably already gone."
"WHAT? Where? When?"
"Lunch in the gardens."
"Fuck!" And I broke into a run back to the gardens, Sean ran along side me still talking to me over his running.
"Danny, Conner is going to go mad at you if you break this. He'll feel you're smothering him, you know it"
"I'm not letting him get the shit kicked out of him!"
"So what are you going to do?"
"Stop this happening."
"You can't, it'll only happen some other time if something doesn't happen now."
"I don't care, I'll stop it then too." We made it to the school gates and checked the road before we crossed to go into the gardens. The traffic was busy and so we had to wait until the lights changed. Eventually they did and I ran to our groups usual spot and saw a crowd of people. I ran to it and pushed people out of my way. Getting to the centre. I found Conner, kneeling on the floor, bleeding from a cut in his face, but pinning this West kid down on the floor. Conner was grinning, he had obviously already won this fight as the other guy was showing no efforts to get up. Conner looked to me and his grin turned to a look of worry. Like catching a six year old with it's hand in the cookie jar. I turned off and walked away.
"Danny! Wait." I just kept walking away. "Danny, stop." I was pissed off all right. "DANNY!" I stopped and turned to look at Conner who had run after me.
"What?"
"What's the matter? I won. I beat him, I can look after myself." I lifted my finger to his face and ran it over the drop of blood that was rolling down his face from the cut on his cheek bone. I held my finger out for him to see his blood.
"You call that looking after yourself?" And I walked off again.
"It's only a scratch Danny, he threw a punch, his ring must have cut me, it's not even that deep."
"Yeah, it's only a scratch! And so will the next one be, they'll all be only scratches Conner, or only bruises, only knocked out fucking teeth, only knife wounds. You can't fight back, they'll always come back again for more. Ant they have the ability to gang up on you."
"I'm not going to sit back and let them think I'm a fucking wimp Danny. Is that what you want?"
"I want you Conner, as you are. Not a fucking patchwork quilt of stitches, scars and scabs. I don't want you getting yourself into a situation where you're going to get yourself hurt. I don't want you to get hurt Conner. I want you in one piece, not damaged. Let them think you're a wimp, who fucking cares. The irony of it is that they're the wimps for not being able to accept you as being gay, they're too fucking busy trying to prove that their not wimps by beating you up to realise that they're showing that they can't learn to deal with modern society."
"OK, you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have fought him."
"What happened with the others anyway?"
"Who?"
"Trix, that lot. How come they let you get into a fight?"
"They didn't. They told me that they didn't want anything to do with it and walked off, they were expecting me to follow. I feel pretty stupid now actually."
"Good. Come on let's go and get that cut washed up."
"Why are you limping so bad?" Sean could hardly stand on his right leg, this was turning out to be a pretty shit day so far. "Sean answer me."
"That fucking West bastard didn't take to kindly to being beaten by Conner this lunch, or to the fact that I'm related to you."
"Did he just do that now?"
"No, the end of lunch on my way to Physics."
"Jesus fucking Christ! It looks as if we have another Meyrick on our hands here. Are you OK?"
"Yeah, just a little sore. He caught me on the side of my muscle, feels like it sprained it, I'll probably be fine by the morning, it's just uncomfortable to walk normally at the moment so I'm limping to save the pain." I helped him into the car, Conner sat in the back so that Sean had more room for his leg in the front.
"I'm sorry Sean, this is all my fault."
"Don't be stupid Conner, it was me that threatened him anyway, he just didn't want to end the day having lost a fight I guess. Besides, if it hadn't of happened, I don't think that I'd have ever had the opportunity to ride in the front with you still in the car!"
"No, but if I hadn't have fought him, this wouldn't have happened in the first place."
"This was a different fight though Conner, I started this one not you."
"You what?"
"Oh Jesus Danny! Save it will you?"
"You're starting fights now? You think you're a fucking bodyguard? I don't need you sticking up for me neither does Conner for him OK? You keep out of our fights."
"Don't even go there Danny. It's not like that."
"Then what was it like?"
"I warned him not to go near either of you again and he got violent."
"Then how is that not you fighting my fight?"
"I warned him, I didn't challenge him!"
"Well don't, if you don't want to get tarred with the same brush as Conner and I, stay out of this sort of thing you hear?"
"Yes."
"Say it like you mean it Sean."
"YES!"
"Thank you." I started the car and we headed for home. It had been an interesting day to say the least but now the hard part was over, we had made it through the first day outted at school. It had been difficult, challenging. I had learnt a lot very quickly. I knew who to avoid, who I could talk to as if nothing had happened and that most people my age didn't care that I was gay. I had noticed a change in peoples attitude once they made it to the sixth form, but until today I never realised just how much people matured in between the end of GCSE's and the beginning of A levels. It stunned me as to how differently Conner had been treated as I had been by my peers.
James and Ryan, Conner and I would have a hard time for a while yet, this was going to be difficult. I was so sure though that we could make it through this all so well if we stuck together as the friends that we were.