Warning: This story is a sequel of sorts to my story "Visiting My Brother at College" in the Incest section. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend doing so for context. This story begins after Chapter 13 of that story, but before Chapter 14. Although the focus of this story will NOT be incest, there will be many references to incest in the backstory for one character, and possibly some incestuous sex in later chapters. If that makes you uncomfortable, read no further.
Reed:
I thought I was straight. I really did, even when I was with Devin.
Devin is my first memory, and he's always been so close that he's almost like a part of me. If sometimes I thought he was more beautiful than any girl, well, that didn't mean anything, Devin just IS beautiful. Like a work of art. Anyone would like looking at him. And if sometimes I felt angry when I thought of guys touching him, well, he's my little brother. I'm supposed to be protective. And loving the feeling of his body against mine has never been weird, he's been my teddy bear, my comfort blanket, since I was a little kid. So why would it be weird that I liked having my cock inside him too? As close as close can be.
That's what I told myself anyway. I'm not into guys, I'm just into Devin, and that doesn't mean anything. It's fine that he doesn't have tits, because I've never been a tit man anyway, I don't mind a flat-chested girl. I like sucking his dick, but not because I like dick, just because I like Devin and I want to make him feel good. I could rationalize everything so easily.
Then the other day, I caught myself looking at my roommate Eric's ass as he bent over to pull on fresh underwear after a shower, admiring how firm it was and how tight his little pink hole looked. I've roomed with Eric for a few months now, he's one of my best friends, and I've never thought about him like that. He's a decent looking dude, I guess, blond and tall and fairly fit, but I never looked at any dudes like that. Except for Devin.
So now I'm out jogging around campus, and noticing other guys, and wondering if maybe I'm bi. It's not like the idea bothers me, really. My brother's gay and I never batted an eye over that, my roommate before Eric was gay and that never bothered me, so it's not like I care about people's sexual orientation. Hell, I even let Andrew, my old roommate, suck me off once. But I never thought that made me anything but straight, it was just a mouth on my dick, I wasn't attracted to him. I thought. Now I'm questioning everything, and even if sexual orientation doesn't matter, it's weird to realize I might have been wrong about myself for so long.
And I still keep rationalizing. It's been three days since Devin broke up with me, which is such a weird fucking thought to have. My brother broke up with me. We weren't even dating, but I can't think of any other way to say it. So anyway, maybe it's not that I'm bi, maybe I'm just noticing other guys now because I miss Devin, and I'm looking for a replacement, something to fill the void he left. That void is fucking massive. Because honestly Devin was never almost like a part of me, there was no almost involved, and he's not there anymore. I don't feel like my heart is broken, I feel like I've lost it completely.
I haven't cried over him, but I haven't laughed or even smiled in three days either. I'm just so fucking dead inside. I haven't talked to anyone, even though Jess has called me and left angry voicemails, and John has invited me to work out with him twice. Eric has gotten tired of one-word answers and grunts and spends most of his time out of the room now.
So maybe I'm just looking for something that reminds me of Devin, even a little bit, to make me feel something again. Devin has an amazing ass, so maybe that's why I checked out Eric's. Devin has this little mole, like a beauty mark, on his cheek, so maybe that's why I thought the guy I just jogged past looked cute, he had one above his lip. Devin had one by his right nipple too, and such beautiful nipples, just a bit darker than his skin tone and set on small but nicely toned pecs, and I liked to suck on them until they pebbled up, and to bite them, so maybe that's why... No. I can't keeping thinking about Devin.
I pick up the pace, jogging faster, like I can outrun my thoughts. At least the burn in my legs and lungs feels like something. I can't keep it up for long, though. I'm not a runner, not really. I'm not really much of anything. I jog and I go to the gym to stay fit, but I'm not a fanatic about it. I play sports with friends for fun, and I played intramural baseball last year, but never anything super competitive. I've never really had a passion, except for Devin.
I'm panting by the time I get back to the dorm, and pause for a minute to catch my breath outside. While I'm resting there, pacing slowly back and forth, the door opens and out walks the last fucking person I want to see, shirtless and in running shorts.
Toby Auclair is annoyingly good-looking. He looks like he belongs on the walls of an Abercrombie store. Or in a toothpaste commercial. Or any commercial, really. He's shorter than me, but slim and incredibly toned. You could use his body to teach anatomy, every muscle is clearly defined. Combine that with his smooth, pale skin, pink lips bordering on red, deep green eyes, and wavy black hair, and he's almost unreal. The smug bastard knows it, too, flirting with everyone, flaunting his body... who the fuck goes running shirtless in November? And Devin chose him over me.
He notices me as soon as he steps out and his jaw clenches. The bridge of his nose is red and swollen, and he has some yellowing bruises under his eyes, marring his looks a little. It makes me smirk, knowing I did that to him. The fucking piece of shit cheater had the nerve to make out with a girl while dating my brother. So maybe I wanted to hit him anyway, for touching Devin, for fucking him, but I wouldn't have. Not until I saw him doing something that would actually hurt Devin. And still, Devin chose him over me.
"How's your nose?" I ask as I start walking to the door.
He glares at me and spits out, "Fuck you, dude," then walks past me, intentionally slamming his shoulder into mine before taking off at a jog. I watch him go, his legs pumping faster as he picks up the pace, the shorts clinging to his ass. I don't know why he's so pissed off. So I hit him. So maybe reminding him of that is a bit of a jerk move. But he's the one who still gets to talk to Devin. To touch him.
I rub my shoulder as I walk inside. It doesn't really hurt, but... I don't know. It does feel like something. And I felt something seeing Toby, too. Anger, mainly, but it's a start. I'm sick of being numb, of missing the part of me that cares. God, I want to feel anything. I want to feel...
I sit down on the couch in my room and stare at the wardrobes in front of me, and the next thing I know I'm fucking bawling. I bend at the waist and bury my face in my hands and sob, and I don't know what happened, but I wish I could go back to being numb, because now it hurts so much. My whole chest is aching and my throat is raw and I miss him.
I can't stop crying, and I'm still shaking and weeping into my hands when the door opens.
"Oh shit," Eric says, stopping just inside the door.
I don't look up, I just choke out, "go away," and keep crying.
There's a long silence before I hear the door close, and I'm hopeful he listened to me, but then he's sitting down next to me. He awkwardly pats me on the back. "Dude, what's wrong?"
His hand feels good on my back, it feels good to be touched, and I give a wet sob before turning to him. I clutch his t-shirt and collapse into him, crushing my face to his chest, and after a moment he tentatively wraps an arm around my back, rubbing my shoulder gently. "It's okay man. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay," he whispers.
It's so relaxing to be held, to have someone to hold onto, and my sobs begin to subside, but I keep clinging to him. I've always needed to touch and be touched, I don't know why. It's just this need to feel the people I'm close to, to prove they're really there. I usually turned to Devin for that, crawling into his bed or inviting him into mine when I just can't sleep without knowing that someone is nearby. When I first moved away for college, there were a few times I actually hooked up with girls just to have someone to sleep next to. The sex was good too, but it wasn't my main motivation. I just needed someone to hold onto, and Devin wasn't there. And now, Eric is here.
After several minutes my tears have dried up and I'm just sniffling and pressing my forehead to Eric's shoulder, and it's no longer just a comfort. I like touching him, and him touching me, the same way I like touching girls. I like that he's strong, and firm, and warm. I sit up a little and look him in the eyes. He looks concerned and caring, and he opens his mouth, and before I know what I'm doing I kiss him.
He makes a little "oomph" sound, and lets me kiss him for a few seconds before his hands are on my chest and he gently pushes me away. "Uhh, what the fuck, dude?" He asks with a confused look on his face.
"I think I'm bi," I blurt out.
"Oookay..." Eric says, scratching his chin. He has a little light stubble there. It's not very visible because of his hair color, but I felt it. "That's cool, I guess. Umm, and I support you. But, I'm straight. So like, no offense dude, but I don't want to kiss you."
I turn away, embarrassed. It's not like I really wanted to kiss Eric, either. He was just there. He's good-looking enough, and if I'm being honest about my sexuality, I wouldn't mind kissing him again, but I'm not lusting after him.
"I mean, sorry if I sent the wrong signals, I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he continues.
"It's fine, man," I sigh and scrub at my eyes and cheeks with the back of my hand. "I just... I'm really confused right now. Don't worry, I'm not gonna, like, jump you again."
"Cool," he says, and starts tapping his foot. We sit there in silence for a little while before he says, "So, bi, huh?"
I shrug.
"Like, that just means more options for you right? That should be a good thing."
I shrug again.
"Fuck, I dunno, I'm not good at this feelings shit." He sits for a while longer, tapping his foot. "But like, I'm here for you, dude. If you need to talk or cry or some shit. Just, like, don't hump me or anything."
I laugh softly. "Thanks, man. I'll... I'll be fine, it's just weird right now."
"Yeah, okay," he says, standing up and opening his wardrobe. "Oh hey, you and Toby should hook up. You'd be like the ultimate bi dude team. Go out and smash pussy together and then come home and choke on each other's cocks." He turns back to me and wrinkles his nose. "Uh, in his room. I mean, you can bring dudes here if you want, I guess, but like, let me know to be somewhere else, okay?"
"Dude." I stare at him. "What the fuck? There's so much wrong with that I don't even know where to start, but for one thing, Toby's dating my little brother!"
"They broke up," he says casually, like he isn't just taking a sledgehammer to my assumptions, and pulls out a crumpled up t-shirt, sniffing it before tossing it back in his wardrobe on top of a pile of other clothes. "Haven't you heard? Toby's been bitching and moaning about it since Saturday."
"I haven't really seen him," I mumble, shaking my head. Toby and Devin broke up? Then why the fuck did Devin break up with me?! I thought he was choosing between the two of us and he chose Toby. But maybe he was just rejecting me. Not that that's any better. It still hurts. But it does make me a bit more of an asshole for taunting Toby earlier.
"Well, that's over," Eric says, finally finding a clean enough shirt to swap with the one he's wearing, and pulling off his current shirt. He pauses for a second with the old shirt in one hand and the new one in the other and turns to face me. He's a bit hairier than most guys our age, but he's pretty toned, and my eyes definitely make a circuit of his chest and abs before looking back up to his face. He has one eyebrow raised. "So, I look good, I guess? Oh, now that you're bi, can I like, ask you for fashion advice, or is that only full gays?"
I roll my eyes. "You're a fucking idiot."
He shrugs and pulls on the cleaner shirt. "Anyway, I was gonna say, maybe hooking up with Toby's not a great idea actually. Cause he's pretty mad at your bro, but he still seems pretty mad at you too for hitting him or something. He's all like, 'fuck Devin and fuck Reed and fuck that whole fucking family.' So, y'know. Maybe give it some time before trying to get with him."
I wipe my face with both hands and sigh. "I'm not going to hook up with Toby, Eric. I'm not looking for a guy at all. I'm just... figuring shit out."
"Okay, whatever man. You could do worse, though. He's not as hot as me, of course, but like I said, I'm off limits." He winks at me before grabbing his backpack and heading back out the door. He pauses in the doorway and looks back. "But, like, seriously, I'm here for you dude, and I don't care if you're bi or gay or wanna be a chick or whatever. It'll be okay." He nods once as if to say his work here is done, and then shuts the door behind him.
I throw my head down over the back of the couch and stare up at the ceiling. That... could have gone worse. I can't believe I kissed Eric, but he was actually pretty cool about it. He's a laid back guy. And I guess I just came out to someone? God, I never thought I'd do that. I never thought there would be a need, because I never knew I was in any sort of closet. But it's kind of hard to deny it now. I like guys, and not just Devin.
I'm bisexual.
Toby:
Fuck Devin and fuck Reed and fuck that whole fucking family.
Well, their Dad seemed cool, and nice, and really sexy for an older guy, but he's probably an asshole too. They're all sexy assholes, who seem great at first but just use you and throw you away.
Okay, so maybe I'm a little bitter, but one of them punched me in the face, then broke up with my best friend, and the next day the other one dumped me over the phone. Jess and I spent all of Sunday in her apartment, eating popcorn and ice cream, drinking wine, and trash-talking the Buchanan brothers.
Now I'm standing in front of the full-length mirror hanging from my wardrobe, poking at my cheeks. I swear they seem puffy. Two pints of Cherry Garcia is 2020 calories. Three bottles of wine is 1800 calories. A bag of popcorn is 380 calories. I look down at my belly and pinch the skin there. I can burn 600 calories per hour running, so I have to run an extra 7 hours this week. About 5.7 after yesterday. No problem.
I already did my morning run before classes, but just like yesterday afternoon I pull on some shorts and head out the door. I've worked too hard to let a cheat day ruin it.
As I'm walking down the hall my stomach rumbles and I grimace. I only ate salad without dressing for lunch the last two days, and two granola bars with black coffee for breakfast, rice and mixed vegetables for dinner last night, but if I'm good and stick with it maybe I can skip my afternoon run on Friday.
I'm still calculating how many hours I need to spend in the gym this week when I walk outside and freeze, because Reed Buchanan is pacing and breathing heavily a few feet from the door. He's effortlessly handsome, like a stock photo labeled "boyfriend." Soft blue eyes, short brown hair that looks perfect even when it's a bit windswept like right now, dimples that come out when he smiles and a cleft chin. I've seen him in the gym before, and clearly he runs sometimes since he's sweaty and out of breath, but he's got the kind of casually fit build I've always envied, like he doesn't even need to try.
His eyes sweep over me and I'm suddenly self-conscious about not wearing a shirt. I usually don't when I run, Jess has hammered into me that people like my body, that stares are a compliment, but I don't want him of all people judging me today.
He looks a lot like Devin, just a bit bulkier, and with sharper lines in his face. They're like the same font, but Reed is bold and Devin is italic. Devin isn't feminine, not really, but he is a guy you could easily call pretty, with fine features and the kind of lips and eyebrows a lot of women would kill for. I wouldn't call Reed pretty, but he is hot. When we were first becoming friends last year, I had a huge crush on him. I flirted with him a lot for a while, called him "sexy" more than "Reed," but he just laughed it off, so eventually I took the hint that he was straight. I still flirted with him after that, but in the only half-serious way I do with most people.
He even looks good sneering at me as he steps closer. "How's your nose?" He asks with a curled lip.
Fucking asshole. I don't care how good he looks. "Fuck you, dude," I manage to get out as I storm past him. Our shoulders collide as we pass, and I refuse to let him see that it hurt, I just jog off.
I decide to just run the track on campus today, planning an eight mile route is too much work, so I head down the steep hill to get there. There are a few other runners doing laps with earbuds in, and I take the outer lane. I don't run with earbuds usually, I like to hear my own thoughts, but today I wish I had some music, because it would be nice to get away from my thoughts. I eye the other runners occasionally. None of them really appeal to me, but I'd like to catch them looking at me, admiring my chest, wanting me. It's most of the reason I run without a shirt, at Jess's urging. To get a little validation. If they looked, I'd flash them a smile and a wink, and feel a little better. But none even glance my way, so I just run.
It's weird not liking Reed. He used to be my friend. I thought he was, anyway, before I started dating his brother. He always used to be a nice guy, a little quiet sometimes but with a ready smile, and after a few drinks he becomes the friendliest, most affectionate person I've ever met. But ever since I hooked up with Devin he's been cold to me at best, and violent at worst. I miss seeing his dimples. And yeah, maybe it's not super cool to date your friends' siblings, but it happens, and his reaction has been way too extreme. And Devin was so cute, and smart, and fun, and I really thought he liked me. I thought we could have had something special. I thought, or at least hoped, I could be good enough for him.
This is why I don't date guys much. I always do this. I fall too fast, too hard, and I'm never fucking good enough to keep them. I just get hurt.
Zac, my Senior year of High School. He was on the soccer team with me, and had broken up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks earlier, and asked me to Homecoming. We dated for three months and I fell for him so bad, and then he took me out for dinner and told me he was getting back together with his ex.
Junior year, Aaron had heard that I was into guys, and he was curious. We hooked up for a month, then dated for a month, and then he cheated on me with another guy, and started dating him. I hear they're still together. I can't bring myself to hope they're happy.
Shane, when I was a Freshman and he was a Junior. He was a wrestler and a stud and I practically worshipped him, I stared at him all the time, followed him around like a puppy, and he tolerated it, seemed to be amused by it. He let me hang out with him and his friends after school, and one day after the others left, he asked me to suck his dick, and it became a regular thing. He was my first for almost everything, but when I told him I loved him he laughed at me and called me an idiot. I definitely felt like one.
Max, in eighth grade. I had a crush on him, I thought he was so cute. One day he kissed me on a dare, but I thought it was real so I asked him the next day at lunch if he wanted to go out with me some time, and he let me know very clearly how he actually felt about me. In front of everyone in the lunchroom. People called me Tubby instead of Toby the rest of the year, and I begged to go to private school the next year.
Fuck them all, and fuck Devin too.
Girls are easier. They're just as nice to look at, just as fun to fuck, but I don't really fall for them the same way. For whatever reason, I don't get as involved emotionally. Kaitlyn and I have been occasional fuckbuddies for a year and there are no feelings involved beyond friendship. I sigh heavily, my lungs burning a little from the run. At least on my side there are no feelings. I guess I know she feels more for me. I've been trying to keep my distance, keep things casual, for a while now, and she keeps trying to seduce me whenever she gets drunk, talking about how good we are together. She even tried to make out with me on Halloween despite knowing I was dating Devin, and got me punched in the face.
Maybe I just shouldn't date anyone. Maybe it's just not meant for me. No matter how hard I try, and God I try so hard, the people I want never want me back. Not enough to stay.
I notice suddenly that it's getting dark and pull out my phone to check the time. I've been running for two hours, and my legs are on fire. I slow down and take a lap walking, then head back uphill to the dorm. I'm thirsty, and hungry, and I just want to collapse into bed, but I can't yet. I don't have the energy to go up to the dining hall, either. Even if I did, Reed might be there. He hasn't eaten with our usual group the last two nights, but that doesn't mean he won't tonight.
In the end, I chug a bottle of water and take a quick shower before I open up a can of lentil and vegetable soup and dump it in a bowl, then stick that in the microwave. While it's heating up, I pull three hard-boiled eggs out of the mini-fridge and start peeling them. When it's all ready, I sit at my desk and eat while reading from a history textbook, grabbing an apple from a bag on the desk for dessert after I finish the soup and eggs.
When the apple is just a core, and my eyes are drooping, and I realize I've read the same sentence five times, I stand up with a groan, turn off the lights, and lie down in bed.
Three more days, less than four more hours. If I just keep going...
Well, I know some of you have been waiting for this story for a while, and some of you have just stumbled across this. For the former, sorry about the wait, and for both, I hope you'll enjoy the end result. I have several chapters written already so they should be coming out fairly frequently at first. It takes a little while to get sexy, but it will get there eventually. Both main characters are in a bit of a dark place right now, but this isn't a dark story, things will get better for them.
Let me know what you think so far, and as always, if you get any enjoyment out of the stories here, consider donating at:
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