Toby:
I wake up with a dull headache and a lot of confusion. I'm in my own bed, so that's good, and my shirt and shoes are off, but I'm wearing the same jeans as last night, my mouth tastes terrible, and I don't remember how I got here. To make things even more confusing, my phone is plugged in, my shoes are placed neatly by the door, and there are two bottles of water, one mostly empty, one unopened, and a bottle of Advil on my desk right next to my bed. My shirt is nowhere to be seen.
I sit up slowly and grab the Advil and the unopened water, crack both open, down two pills, and chug most of the bottle. I remember leaving the party, and then it's just vague flashes. Stumbling along a trail, taking pulls of schnapps. Gazing at the city lights, wanting to be alone but feeling lonely anyway. A warm, firm hand on my side, stroking my ribs. Baby blue eyes, crinkled at the corners. Dimples.
Fuck. I must have run into Reed somehow, but what happened? Why do I remember his arm around me, or what he smelled like, or my lips brushing his collarbone? Oh God, did I get so drunk that I threw myself at a straight guy who hates me? I can't remember the last time I drank so much I blacked out. Probably the New Year's Eve after Zac dumped me.
I empty the bottle and lay back down on my bed.
After who knows how long just drifting in a haze of half-sleep, someone knocks on my door and I groan. "What is it?"
The door opens and I look up to see Reed stepping in, looking way too good for how I feel. He's in gray sweatpants and a long-sleeve blue t-shirt and he looks freshly shaved and bright-eyed, smiling a little sheepishly. "Hey," he says softly, "Um, I was about to go for a run. I know you go every morning. 7:00 AM, right?"
"8:00 on weekends," I grunt, throwing an arm over my eyes. He's too bright to look at.
"Oh," he says and pauses. He's silent for long enough that I peek out from under my arm, and he's just standing there by my door scratching his chin and looking down.
"Did I..." I start, and he looks up at me instantly. He reminds me of a puppy, cute and full of some sort of barely contained energy. "What happened last night? And... where's my shirt?"
He snorts a laugh and grins at me. "Well, you kind of threw it off the lookout tower after puking all over it. Then I walked you home."
"Shit," I say, rubbing a hand down my face. "That's it? Nothing, like, weird happened?"
He tilts his head and raises an eyebrow. "Weirder than you telling your shirt to fuck off? Nah, nothing major." He's still smiling in this odd way though, so I know something happened. I mean, he's here talking to me, being nice to me, and we haven't had a pleasant interaction in weeks. At least, not one that I can remember. Something changed last night. And wait...
"You came here to go for a run? With me?"
"Yeah," he says, shifting his feet. "I thought it would be nice. To like, hang out again. And I've been running more lately, maybe a schedule like you have would be good."
I sigh and lay back. It would be nice to hang out with Reed again. I've missed him. His friendship, that is. It's hard to be mad at him, especially when it's mostly for Jess's sake. It takes an effort I don't really want to put in, not right now, not when I'm hungover and he's being nice.
"But, if it's too early, that's cool. Umm, if you want to rest more, I can come back. Or I can just go on my own, if you don't want to hang out..." He mumbles, and shuffles in place some more. "It's all good, I'll just go."
"Reed," I say, stopping him. "I'd like to run with you."
"Awesome," he says and I swear I can hear the grin in his voice even as I stare up at the ceiling.
I force myself to sit up and put my feet on the ground, and groan a little at the movement. "Just, give me a minute," I say, grabbing an apple from my desk. "I need to change and eat something."
"Okay, cool," he says, taking a seat in my desk chair as I bite into the apple.
He's kind of weirding me out. He sits there watching me the whole time I'm eating and doesn't say anything, even though he looks like he wants to, occasionally chewing his lip or opening his mouth. When I get up to throw the apple core away he stands up too, and I have to awkwardly step around him to reach the trash can on the other side of my desk. Then he watches as I go to my wardrobe and pull out a pair of shorts, but when I start to take my jeans off he quickly looks away.
I slip on my shorts and a pair of sneakers, grab a coconut water from my mini-fridge, and say, "Okay, let's go."
"So, where to?" Reed asks as we walk down the hall.
"Weekend mornings I like to go downtown, then along the water to Boulevard Park, then down to Donovan, over to 21st, and back to campus," I say. "It's a little over 5 miles, so it's an easy hour with some good views and about 500 calories burned."
Reed gapes at me. "Damn dude, okay. I hope I can keep up."
I blush. "It's not that much," I say as we go out the door, and I start jogging down the road. It's a little cold out to be running shirtless, but I was too out of it to think of that when I got dressed. The run will keep me warm enough, though.
Reed catches up next to me and chuckles, "Dude, you run a quarter marathon every morning."
"It's less than a quarter," I grumble and don't mention that my weekend route is shorter than weekdays. "And it's way below marathon pace." Reed just laughs.
"Have you ever run a marathon?" Reed asks a few minutes later while we're running downhill, the bay sparkling to our left in the early morning sun.
"Um, not officially."
"What does that mean?" I glance over at him and he's grinning at me, his dimples on full display.
"I..." I sigh. It's not a fun story, and he doesn't need the details. "I had a bad day, and ran thirty-two miles."
"Holy shit," he gasps. "That's insane."
I nod, and for some reason keep talking. "I was really... well, I decided to run around Lake Washington, I thought it would... make me feel better. But it was spur of the moment, I didn't plan, I only brought a drink and a granola bar. It's forty miles around Lake Washington, so I didn't make it. I collapsed in Bellevue and spent the night in the hospital on an IV."
Reed's silent and I don't look over at him. "I'm smarter now," I say. That was after Aaron cheated on me. But I've kept working since then. "And in better shape."
"Dude," he breathes.
We run in silence for a while, passing through the small downtown to the waterfront trail. Reed's breathing pretty heavily now and sweating a bit, but he's keeping up well and he's not winded yet.
"How did you know you were bi?" He asks out of nowhere while we're running through Boulevard Park, and I stumble but catch myself. What the hell is he asking that for?
"I've never said that I am bi," I say slowly.
"Uh, you've slept with a lot of girls, and you dated my brother, so you must be into guys too. That makes you bi, doesn't it?"
"That's not how I think of myself," I say. "I don't really care what people call me, but I guess if I had to label it, I'm a homoromantic pansexual. And that that's just how I've always been."
"Okay," he says. "What does that mean?"
I sigh. I haven't really talked about it to anyone but Jess, and even then she just accepts me as I am and I love her for that. I've never had to explain it. But Reed's looking at me with this soft sincerity that makes me want to trust him with all my secrets. I wish he'd stop. "It means, I guess, that I'm attracted to people in general, gender doesn't play a part in physical attraction for me, all kinds of people can be hot. But, umm, I've only ever been interested in men, like, romantically."
"Oh," Reed says, his eyebrows scrunching up as he seems to really think about what I've said. He's quiet again for a couple of minutes and then shakes his head. "I think I'm just bi."
I stumble again and come to a stop. What?!
Reed runs a few more steps before slowing down and turning back to me. "You're bi?!" I half-yell.
He bends over laughing and gasps out, "Holy shit, deja vu. You don't remember." He stands straight and wipes his eyes, still chuckling. "Yeah, I told you last night. Like three times because you kept asking."
I shake my head. "Sorry. But, that's great dude. Thanks for telling me. I'm proud of you." It's all the generic stuff I know to say when someone comes out, because I'm still trying to wrap my mind around Reed Buchanan, the perfect clean-cut boy-next-door, the guy I know was his High School's Prom King, being anything other than straight. "Let's keep going," I say and take off running again.
I don't want to fall into stereotyping people, I know queer people don't have to look or act a certain way, but why didn't he ever say anything? When I used to flirt shamelessly with him he never responded with anything other than a laugh. Probably he's just not attracted to me. Maybe I'm not his type. Does he have a type with guys?
It's silent for most of the rest of the run, but when we're on the last half-mile stretch back to campus Reed starts talking again.
"I hooked up with a guy," he says. "A few times. I didn't know I was bi before, and it really messed me up." He pauses and I think maybe I should say something but I'm still dumbfounded. "I used Jess to, like, prove I was straight. I... I know it was wrong. I'm sorry." He looks at me with these pleading eyes, and again I'm reminded of a puppy. That must be why I want to reach out and touch him. "I know she's your friend, but really, I didn't mean to hurt her. I was just confused."
"Look," I sigh. "I get it, I think, and I'm not mad at you anymore. But you need to apologize to her, not to me."
He nods. "I know. I will, eventually."
When we reach the dorm we end up just standing in the hall, breathing heavily, looking at each other. "That was a good run," he says eventually. "I need a shower, but thanks. For everything." He licks his lips and glances down at my own, which suddenly feel really dry, and my face feels hot.
"Yeah, good run. I could use a shower too." I awkwardly hook a thumb over my shoulder to point toward my room but don't move.
He nods a few times, and seems to scan my chest and abs. "Tomorrow at 8:00?" He asks, licking his lips again. God damnit, he needs to stop doing that.
"Yeah, okay," I say.
"Cool," He smiles. "Okay. See you then." And then finally he turns away to his own room, and I start to walk to mine, but somehow we both look back over our shoulders at the same moment and our eyes lock, and his dimples pop, and I realize I'm fucked. I jerk my head back and rush into my room before I do something stupid.
I lean against my door and groan. My crush on Reed Buchanan is back in full force, and that is a big problem.
I remember the first time I realized I was into him. I recognized he was hot from the moment I met him our first day in the dorms, and several of us living on the same floor had started to hang out, but I didn't start to crush on him until a couple of days later when we were at some party off-campus, the first college party for both of us.
I was standing off by myself in the backyard of this house, watching people talk and flirt and dance, when he wrapped his arms around me from behind and perched his chin on my shoulder.
"Dude," he breathed, "we're at college!" I turned my face toward his and he looked me in the eyes with this adorable smile, and I could feel his breath on my lips. It smelled like beer, but he wasn't too drunk yet.
"Hey there, sexy," I said and he laughed, and his dimples popped.
"Man, this is awesome," he said, one of his hands gripping my pec. He didn't know how sensitive my nipples are. "I can't believe we're here. We're gonna have so much fun, and Toby, you're awesome. You're so cool. I know we're gonna be friends."
"You're not so bad yourself," I said and winked at him while laying one of my hands over his on my chest. He laughed again, and my heart skipped a beat, and I almost kissed him, but then he gave me one more squeeze and ran off to go hug Alex.
It took me a little while to figure out that that was just how he acts when he's been drinking, that he can hardly go a minute without putting his hands on someone, without pulling them in. It confused me at first, because when he would come up and press himself to my back or side, or lay his arm over my shoulders when we sat next to each other, I thought it meant he was interested in me. I didn't realize at first that he did that with everyone, so I would touch him back, a hand on his leg or the back of his neck, and I would give him flirty smiles and compliments. By the time I did realize, it was way too late. He had me at "Dude."
And now... He's my best friend's ex. He's my ex's brother. But more importantly, he's just out of the closet, just a few weeks into even knowing he likes guys, and I don't want to be an experiment. I already like him too much, I can't handle really falling for him only for him to move on.
And he will move on. Even if I think he's interested for now, he'll get me out of his system, or he'll realize I'm not worth it, and he'll find someone he likes more. I won't be good enough to keep him, I never am.
So it's not going to happen. I'm happy we can be friends again, but it can't be anything more than that.
Reed:
I don't know what I'm doing. I've been running with Toby every morning for three days now, and the rest of the day I can't stop thinking about him. He blushes in his chest. That tiny, endearing detail pops into my head at random moments. When he blushes, it's not just his cheeks, his chest gets red too.
Every morning the sexual tension is killing me. I know he feels it too, but whenever I make even small moves to do something about it, he pulls back. He can't hide the looks he gives me, or the chest blushes, but if I put a hand on his shoulder he shrugs it off, and when I step in close he won't meet my eyes.
Even if he didn't pull back, though, would I really want to move forward? I've gone from thinking about Devin all day to thinking about Toby all day, and maybe I'm just latching on to the first good thing I've found. Maybe I'm just trying to replace Devin, and it's not about Toby at all, he's just there, just a guy who likes guys and might like me enough to help me forget my problems for a while.
I know I want to fuck Toby, that much is clear from how hard I cum when I jack off thinking about him. I want to know if his nipples taste as good as they look, what sounds he makes in bed, what those rippling muscles feel like under my hands, and what they feel like from the inside. So yeah, I'm definitely attracted to Toby, but I'm attracted to a lot of guys now that I've let myself notice. I'm attracted to Eric. I checked out John in the gym locker room yesterday and liked what I saw. A cute barista at the coffee shop on campus smiled at me and wrote his number on my cup, and I've considered using it.
I don't think it's just attraction, though. Yeah, Toby's hot as sin, but since that night on the lookout tower I've seen a different side of him too. He's always been this charming, confident, fun guy, but I think underneath that he's a little bit broken, and for some reason that draws me in. I want to fuck him, but I also just want to fucking hug him, to hold him. I don't want him getting drunk alone in the forest, or literally running away from his problems until he collapses. I want him in my bed, wrapped in my arms.
It doesn't really matter anyway. He runs with me, and he's friendly, and he even flirts a little, but any time I start to flirt back, he shuts down. No matter how much he seems to be into me, he clearly doesn't want more, and I guess I have to respect that, even if it means jacking off after every run with his blushing chest in my thoughts.
Or, like right now, jacking off in the middle of the afternoon because I can't concentrate on my homework with a hard-on and it's been six hours since I came so even thinking of Toby gets me hard. So I'm sitting at my desk with my basketball shorts pulled down under my balls, working my dick with my eyes closed and imagining his rosy red lips working me over, when Eric walks in.
Fuck, I thought he had class, but I realize it's Tuesday and his afternoon class is Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I panic and pull my shorts back over my dick but it doesn't make a huge difference, the tent is obvious and my precum soaks through the thin fabric in seconds. Eric stands by the door grinning, his eyes a little bloodshot, then walks over and flops down on his bed, legs sticking out toward me.
"No need to stop for me, bro," Eric says. "Nothing I haven't seen before." He's gripping his own crotch through his sweatpants and rubbing gently. "Weed always makes me horny." As if that explains why he's totally cool with walking in on his bi roommate jacking off and looks ready to start himself.
"What are you doing?" I ask as he slips his sweats and boxers down to his knees and starts fisting his half-hard cock. I lick my lips, because it looks good, with trimmed blond pubes a bit darker than the hair on his head, about six inches, uncut like mine.
"I thought you'd wanna watch," he shrugs. "I don't mind. Too horny." He jerks himself lazily for a few minutes and, well, I guess I do want to watch, because that's what I do, just staring at him as he strokes. He pauses to take off his shirt, and tells me, "C'mon, whip it out, you can finish yourself off too."
This is weird, but I'm too turned on not to go with it, and he may not be exactly what I want, but Eric is a good-looking guy and after a week of him flaunting his body, I'm not going to question getting to admire it openly. So I pull my shorts back down, slip them off all the way this time, and sit facing him. I feel like if I actually stroke it I might bust already, so I just grip my dick at the base with one hand and roll my balls around in the other.
"Nice," he says. "You got me beat." Maybe by less than an inch, but Eric's got nothing to be ashamed of, plenty for anyone to work with. I tell him so and he chuckles and spreads his legs.
"I'm still not gay," he says, and I nod. "Or bi."
"Yeah, I know."
We sit there slowly jerking ourselves off for a couple of minutes in silence. I'm watching at him, running my eyes over his whole body, but he mostly keeps his eyes closed. He's got a good bit of hair in the center of his chest and running down his abs, and he's not very muscly, but he's lean and lanky. "I'm just horny," he says, opening one eye. "But you can touch, if you want."
He's hardly finished speaking before I'm kneeling between his legs, and replacing his hand on his cock with my own. It's not the first time I've touched another guy's dick, it's not even that different from Devin's dick, a similar size, also uncut, but the guy it's attached to is pretty different. He's tall, and masculine, and his eyes are closed, biting his lip as I slide my hand up and down his shaft, pulling back his foreskin and rubbing my thumb on his slit. And any question about being bi is erased, because I'm so hot for this it. It's definitely not Devin, or Toby, I just like guys.
"Use your mouth," he mumbles, and I pause long enough for him to open his eyes and say, "c'mon," before diving in and sucking. There's something so hot about tasting his precum, caressing his head with my tongue and feeling it dribble out, and we moan at the same time. I'm probably not that good at this, I've only done it a couple times, but Eric doesn't seem to care as I work his shaft with my fist and suckle on the head. He only lasts a couple of minutes before grunting, "cumming," and spurting into my mouth. I spit out his cock after the first shot, the taste of cum is still weird and just not really something I'm into, but I stroke him through the rest of his orgasm, and when he's done I lean back on my heels, pull up my shirt and fist my cock a few times before blasting all over my own chest.
Eric groans and runs his fingers through the cum on his belly before standing up and stretching. He leans down to squeeze my shoulder and says, "Thanks, bro," before walking into the bathroom and turning on the shower, leaving me squatting on the floor, feeling... empty.
I wonder if this is how Andrew felt, that one time he sucked me off. So turned on in the moment, and then his straight roommate says "thanks" and that's it. I've had meaningless sex before but never quite this meaningless, this one-sided. I got off, but I can get myself off any time without feeling used.
I don't even blame Eric, I don't begrudge him getting head from his obviously willing friend. He didn't know I would feel like this afterward any more than I did. But I don't want to do it again, which is why the next night when he walks out of the bathroom naked and asks if I want to fool around, I tell him it was a one-time thing, and he shrugs and pulls on some boxers. Because I don't want just sex, I'm not just horny, I want something more. I want Toby.
So on Thursday morning, after our run, when he walks back to his room, I follow him. "Toby," I say as he opens his door, and he turns to look at me with one hand still on the handle. I step in close, and cup his jaw. Those evergreen eyes widen as I lean in and his mouth starts to open, but mine covers it quickly and he freezes.
He's still for a second and I start to worry I've made a huge mistake, but then he starts kissing me back, a low groan escaping as he grabs at me, one hand raking through my hair and the other clawing at my back, and he drags me into his room. I push him against the door as soon as it's closed, devouring his mouth like I'm starving. We're both already sweaty and short of breath from the run, but we're panting when he pushes me away to tear my shirt off of me and nudge me back onto his bed.
He climbs on top of me and attacks my neck and jaw with licks and kisses before coming back to my mouth, and he feels perfect on top of me, skin to skin. He's firm muscle everywhere, and all that power underneath my fingertips is intoxicating. I slide my hands down his back, feeling the dip of his lower back and the rise of his incredible ass, slipping into his shorts and gripping his cheeks. He gasps and arches his back, and his hard cock thrusts into my own.
"I want you," I whisper, lifting up to chase his lips, and he gasps again and scrambles off me. "Toby?" I ask. He's standing next to his bed, cock tenting his shorts, looking off to one side and breathing heavily. He won't meet my eyes.
I sit up and swing my legs off the side of the bed, reaching for him, but he steps backward and shakes his head.
"You should go," he sighs.
"What?!"
"I can't do this, Reed." He sits in his desk chair and curls in on himself. He still won't look at me.
"Toby," I say, standing up and walking over to him. He shies away again when I reach out so I drop my hand at my side. "Fine." I can feel my jaw tensing. "Okay. I'm sorry, I just thought..." I put my head down and clench my fists. "Fuck, I'm an idiot."
I grab my shirt from the floor and pull it back on, then lean my forehead against the door. "Can I..." I mumble. "Can we still run tomorrow?"
He's silent long enough that I look back at him, and he's just sitting there shaking his head. Finally he whispers, "I don't think that's a good idea."
And I have to go, because I'm fucking pissed and I don't want Toby to think it's at him, but as soon as I've slammed the door back in my room I yell, just an incoherent shout, and punch the wall, because I messed up, and not only does he not want me, he doesn't even want to be around me anymore. I knew it, I knew he didn't want more with me, but I had to fucking push because I wanted it so bad, and I ruined everything.
Just like I ruined things with Devin. I should have just taken what he was willing to give, but I demanded more, I made him feel guilty about seeing someone else, I tried to make him hurt like I was hurting, I asked him to run away with me, because I couldn't be cool about things, I just needed him too much. And no one wants someone that pushy, that clingy, that demanding.
My hand hurts and my knuckles are bleeding, but I don't really care. That pain is better.
I hope you like chapter 3, it took a little longer to get out than I expected because I ended up editing it quite a bit and moving some stuff from chapter 4 into it. As a result, chapter 4 will also take a little while, probably around a week, to re-write.
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