The following story is completely true, and I'm posting it here to give back to the archive, because I remember that when I was alone in highschool, a few heartfelt stories here reminded me that I was not alone. So I'm hoping that this really hot story could also be more to those that read it too.
I met Sean almost as soon as I arrived at the small isolated college in New York I had foolishly chosen to go to when I was 18. I was excited that finally there might be other gay guys around for me to date, but I was misinformed. My best friend would be my only prospect that year, but usually things are never as you expect them to be.
So a little about me first. I'm told I'm a really beautiful guy, I'm 5'11, muscular from both nature and from weight lifting lightly since I was 15. When I was in High School in New York City I was approached by a modeling agency to model, which I never pursued. I am Asian in ethnicity, but I would say I look more Native American than anything. Sean said I looked like an island boy. Tan skin, strong jaw, medium length black hair and dark eyes; I get a lot of attention but I'm kind of shy about it, probably because I grew up in a white suburb in New Jersey, and I assume that most people are not looking for an Asian man. Oh, and I'm very proud of my 7 ½ inch dick, which reaches 8 when I am particularly happy.
But I digress. So I was at this shithole college in upstate New York where people called me Oriental and still pronounced Italian as `Eye'talian. I remember it was my first week there and as I was walking back up to my dorm I saw this really hot guy talking to a little skater boy out front. The hot guy was smoking a cigarette, and so was I, and it was still early enough that everyone was in meet new friends mode, so I just walked over to the two guys. The hot guy introduced himself to me as Sean, and we hit it off so well that the little skater boy just sort of disappeared after a couple minutes. Sean is one of the sexiest guys I will ever know. He said he was 5'11" too, but he was always at least 2 inches taller than me, so I know he was 6'1 at the least. He had a buzz cut style shaved head of brown hair and a beautiful tattoo he had drawn himself prominently on his inner forearm of the Ace of Spaces with a rose inside it surrounded by a tribal design. He had beautiful deep set blue eyes, and a very manly big chin and jaw, but the softest looking poofy lower lip that made him look beautiful and tragic. He was a hairy guy, with chest hair always peeking out of his shirt, and stubble on his neck and face. He just had this sexy air about him too. I told him once that he ruined me for all other men.
After we talked that first time we were instantly inseparable, we lived on the same hall and I remember he would come into my room at 2 on a Saturday when I was still asleep and drag the blankets off of me and demand that I get up before the cafeteria closed for lunch. I was madly in love with him and somewhere deep down I knew he loved me too, but he wouldn't admit it. We spent every day together, ate every meal; we roughhoused and laughed together, explored the woods and became as close as two people could be without being physical. We found this old tree house deep in the woods that we used to drink in and I remember the first time we found it we sat huddled together in it drinking and talking, and I could tell he was worried I was going to try to hit on him or pull something, but I didn't, and as he climbed down the tree house ladder he said to me
"Tom, I'm gonna tell you something, but after I say it you just have to pretend I didn't say it ok?"
Puzzled but hopeful I agreed, and as I saw the tip of his head disappear from view he said "I watch gay porn".
All semester it was strange things like that, where although he said he was straight, clearly he wasn't totally straight. The mixed signals drove me totally crazy. He would tell me something like that, then refuse to touch me. I was powerless, and when I've talked about it with him years later, he admitted that there was nothing I could have done. But I tried my hardest.
We drank every night, mostly because I hoped he would let his true feelings out, and drop the façade. And one day, after we had lunch, I knew something was going to happen. There was something in the air that day, it was August. I just knew that he would be mine that day. I looked at him with that thought in my head, and he said to me,
"Are you reading my mind?" and I said,
"can I ask you a question?" Sure, he replied.
"Do you ever think about me when you jack off?"
Sean looked totally surprised and flustered, and laughed a little. He just looked at me with a smile that would not come off and said "That's such a good question that I wouldn't want to ruin it with an answer." And he walked away. But I knew what that smile meant, that I could touch him soon, that my best friend that I had longed after for months, would be mine. I sang my way to class, and had my upperclassman friend pick up some gin for me after, which I knew was Sean's favorite. We got totally plastered that night in my room, and at some point, he leaned over to me and said:
"I have a secret to tell you." And he leaned over to the chair I was sitting in and kissed me.
I said "tell me again", and he kissed me again. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. We kissed a little more, played pool in the dorm lobby, and then lay outside on the grass watching the stars. He kissed me again, and we talked about how we would be friends for the rest of our lives. I was happy, getting what I wanted for maybe the first time in my life.
Me and Sean stumbled back to his dorm room, and he lay in his bed and told me to turn on music. I did, and climbed into his bed with him. Usually he would have told me to get out, but he didn't . I reached around him and stuck my hands under his pants, and felt a huge boner there, but the second I did, our friends burst into the room, and Sean shoved me off the bed onto the floor. We were laughing hysterically, and spent some time talking to our friends. Sean was too drunk to keep awake, so me and my friends left him, and I went back to my room. I was content not sleeping with him that night. I lay in my bed, content and happy. But then I got a text from Sean, that said "Hey". And in that tiny little word, it spoke volumes.
I walked over to Sean's room, told him he was really drunk, and picked a different song for him. I remember I asked him
"Is this going to fuck things up between us? " and Sean, facedown and wasted in his mattress said "I don't know." As much as I loved Sean, there's no way in the world that I would have not risked it. I climbed into bed with him, and kissed him. He unbuckled is belt and threw it on the floor, and I knew what that meant. I slipped my hand into his jeans and grabbed his hard dick. It was huge. I know a lot of guys lie in their stories about big dicks but Sean had the most perfect cock I had ever seen. It was at least 8 inches easy, and thick as hell. I had been with a couple of guys before him, one of them black, but Sean made everyone else look tiny. I could barely get my hand around it. I slid his pants and boxers down and examined my prize. It was perfect, so thick and long, pink with a perfect smallish head. I rubbed my hands along his hairy tummy and chest, and felt his trimmed pubes. He smelled clean, and I knew he must have drunkenly showered in anticipation of me. His hair covered muscles felt so good under his shirt, and he moaned and breathed heavy as I explored his body.
I kissed him, and slowly slid down his strong, hairy body, kissing and licking my way down. I grabbed is dick, which was hard as a rock, and I licked under the head. Sean moaned. I started suckling the head of his perfect big cock, and slowly worked my lips down the shaft. He was moaning heavily, and touching the back of my head. I slid my lips down as far as they could go while I slid my tongue around the underside of his dick. Nestled between his legs I finally had him, my best friend and lover. I licked down his shaft and started sucking his balls one at a time. He groaned and bucked a little. He slid his hands through my hair and felt my shoulders and back. He said "Your skin is so soft". I kissed him, then went back to his huge dick and sucked it to my heart's content. He had been drinking a lot, we both had, so I knew that after about ten minutes he was not going to come. I felt his muscular furry chest while sucking his dick, then released it from my mouth and kissed him. I told him "this is what you taste like" which I still laugh embarrassingly about now. But I'm sure he doesn't remember. I lay on top of him, feeling his body and kissing him, while grabbing and jerking his cock. I tried to slide my tongue in his mouth but he wouldn't let me past his teeth. "I only French kiss on a second date," he said. I would remember that for a long time.
Sean slid on his jeans and wanted to play pool. I could tell he was a little freaked out. But there was no point thinking about it. I vaguely remember that we lay on the wooden steps outside talking and kissing and smoking cigarettes, and then we walked back up to our rooms, but both of our roommates were in them, so we parted and went to sleep. I wonder what would have happened if one of our roommates had been out.
The next morning of course, Sean was M.I.A. clearly, he was having trouble reconciling what we did. I didn't see him all day until dinner, and he gave me this awful look of shame and I don't know what else when I finally saw him. He asked me to talk after dinner. I remember it was raining. He told me "I'm not gay Tom". And I just walked away from him without saying anything. I walked in the rain and I sat soaking wet on some brick steps. I don't know why life can be so cruel to you sometimes. Especially when it seems you had no choice in where you ended up. There was nothing I could do.
When I had gathered myself together, I went back to the dorms, and went to Sean's room. I was ready to hear what he had to say, even though I knew that it wouldn't be good, and it wouldn't be truth.
"Let's just pretend this never happened," Sean said to me. I was so worried I would lose him as everything, not only just as a lover but as my best friend and entire world, that I agreed. What else could I do? I was just relieved that he would still talk to me, because I loved him so much, and he was all I had there.
So life resumed, as if that day never happened, but the mixed signals did not end, and it slowly drove me insane. Sean would tell me things like "If I had a girlfriend, I would sleep with you" which in retrospect, clearly sounds like someone negotiating with societal conditioning. I often think about internalized racism, internalized homophobia, and I think that no gay man is unscathed by wishes of heterosexuality, of normalcy. But maybe Sean was bisexual as he supposed. And being bisexual, you have the choice; the choice to live a normal life, what you think will be a happy life. And I knew, even though he told me he loved me, that ambivalent as he was, ultimately the decision was a life without me complicating things. And I suppose what Sean thought he wanted became real, because he wasn't willing to fight it.
We carried on a gradually deteriorating friendship over the course of the school year, I took him with me to San Francisco to visit a school we both applied to and I ended up transferring to but in the end he couldn't afford it. And he told me that even if he could, we would just pretend we didn't know each other when we got there. So that he could have a new life. I still loved him, but it was killing me inside. To have someone there, so close to you, who you knew deep inside felt the same way as you, but who would never touch you was absolute hell.
After school finished Sean came to visit me at my parent's apartment in Brooklyn, as he usually did. I had some acid and mushrooms for us to eat, as I usually did. My parents were gone for the week, so we tripped around the city and came back at night. Sean was doing that red rum thing from the Shining, and I told him to stop it, that it was annoying me. He flirted with me and wouldn't, so I climbed on top of him and wrestled him on the sofa and sat on him. He was on his stomach, and didn't fight me off him as he usually would have, so I lay on top of him. It felt like heaven. I knew it would be bad after, but I didn't care. I had to be close to him. We lay like that for awhile, while he talked about mundane things to pretend to be uncomfortable with the situation. Eventually he told me I was crushing him, so I got off, and we went to sleep. He refused to sleep in the room with me, so he slept on the sofa. In the middle of the night, I heard front door slam, and I ran out to find Sean in my buildings elevator. I burst into tears and told Sean not to go. He said "I can't do this anymore Tom," and I knew he meant it. The elevator doors closed and I thought I would never see him again. He called me the next day to tell me that he would never speak to me again, and that he forgot his nice shoes, so I should mail them to him. I begged him for another chance, I begged him to just pretend it didn't happen, but he really couldn't do this anymore, and I'm pretty sure that neither could I.
So three years of silence passed between us, and I thought about him every day for at least a few years. No one replaced him. I went to school in San Francisco, I went to school in London, but no one was ever as important to me as Sean was. And I thought about him, and wondered if he ever thought about me. I didn't even know if he was alive. I did everything I could to get over him, but I was powerless with sean, even in his absence. I would call him on my birthdays, because on those days that were supposed to be all about me, the only thing I wanted was to hear from Sean. But he never responded. I turned 22, and that summer, on a hot day in July, I got an email from Sean. It said "It's Sean, remember me?" Of course I remembered him. That's what I told him too. But I knew Sean well enough to not completely get my hopes up. I figured that best case scenario, he realized he loved me and wants to be with me, worst case scenario, he wants to kill me. That's really what I thought. But I decided that even if he wanted to see me to kill me, that if that's how life treats me, then I would be glad to die. In subsequent emails, he hinted at wanting to sleep with me, to see me in private. So we arranged to meet again, and on another hot day in July, I took a bus up to see him, because with Sean, there's never any choice.
When Sean picked me up at the bus station, I thought it was a dream. I had dreamed about him so much those past three years. When he appeared in my dreams he had a new tattoo, and when I saw him again, the tattoo was actually there. He was scruffier than he was when we were 18. The buzz cut had grown out to a fluffier short mop of brown hair, and the stubble was now a short beard. He looked as sexy and beautiful as I remembered him. But he was also as cold to me as I remembered, and I thought "I am sleeping on the couch tonight." But I was wrong.
We went for a walk in the woods, and he told me that he had this girlfriend he was taking a break from, and that he wanted to try really sleeping with a guy at least once, because he thought he was going to marry this girl. He told me he owed me for the way he treated me, and thought it was right that the person he should sleep with was me. He seemed taller, and thicker, and so was I. I agreed to his proposal, but my guards were up. It wasn't my worst or best case scenario, but at least I would really have him. I sort of wish he had just killed me in the woods then and there to be honest.
So he drove me back to his house, and in the sweltering heat we climbed into his four poster bed. Me and Sean were laying on his bed and I said, you think I'm attractive? And he said yes. And so i scooched closer to him until we were spooning. He started softly touching me, and after a bit of that, i turned around and kissed him. His lips were so soft, like little water beds. or soft flowers. I told him that the last time we hooked up he said i only french kiss on the second date, so he owed me some french kissing. He didn't remember this but he agreed. Sliding my tongue into his mouth, and feeling his was heaven.
"How can we do this as least awkwardly as possible he said?" as we started undressing. He was hairier than the last time i saw him. But I loved it. I always loved his body hair. I loved petting his stomach. I remembered how one time three years ago I jokingly flicked a cigarette butt into the front of his shirt and singed off some chest hair. Undressing Sean I saw he had more tattoos, and more muscles. He was rock hard, and his cock had gotten huge. It was as thick as a red bull can and must have been at least 8 inches. The last time i saw it, it was as long as mine but a bit thicker, but now it was massive, and dwarfed me. We both undressed, and he climbed on top of me. I sat in his lap, and we were so sweaty because it was really hot out. Our sweaty bodies felt so good pressed into each other. He kissed and sucked my neck while I played with his ear in my mouth and sucked his neck. I couldn't get hard because i was scared of him. We kissed and I felt his lovely weight on me. I pulled him to me to kiss. I flipped him over and then sucked his cock. It was beautiful, pink and huge and amazing. I deep throated him, both our first times receiving and giving. He loved it, he kept saying my name and playing with my hair "its so gooood" he moaned with his eyes closed and his head thrown back. "you are so good" he gasped every time his cock hit the back of my throat. I deep throated him all the way to his balls, and licked them with his whole cock in my mouth. Every once in a while i tasted some bitter precum and i loved it. I could feel the veins in his cock throb in my mouth every once in a while, it was amazing sucking him. But he wanted to suck my dick, and I did get hard but he was terrible at it, but I loved him for trying. I tried getting us into a sixty nine position. He didn't know to put any pressure, so after he attempted for a bit, i went back to my main mission. I would come up for air every now and then to kiss him or suck his nipple, and I'd jerk his saliva soaked cock while I did it. He was moaning, and id play with his balls and lick and nibble at just the bit under his head. He loved that too. I sucked that dick hard, and jerked him at the same time, fast, and eventually he told me "I'm gonna cum" which made me work faster and harder until a couple minutes later he exploded in my mouth and gasped while his bitter load collected in my mouth. i kept sucking and bobbing while he shot, and then swallowed it all once he was done. It tasted like victory, and it was amazing. I sucked it dry then kissed him.
He said I broke all the records that weekend. I must have made him cum in like 10 minutes the first time, 8 the next morning, and I jerked him off in five after that. He said it took his girlfriend an hour and a half. He was still hard, and we kept fooling around. He sucked me some more, but the combination of me being nervous as hell and him being a gay virgin made pleasing him the main event. That's all I ever wanted from him sexually anyway. I just wanted to give him pleasure, and I sure as hell did. I sucked him some more, he said my name more, and then i asked him if he would fuck me. He was reluctant at first but then gave in. I went to the bathroom, used a douche, and came back to suck his hard cock. After a bit of that, i covered his cock in lube, jerked it and i climbed on top of him, and tried to get his cock in my ass. My ass wouldn't open, and so i fingered myself in front of him a bit and then tried again. This time his cock bent a bit, then ripped into me. It was the biggest cock I've ever taken and it tore me up. I slid down his massive shaft and it felt like years of longing gone, of victory and lust and accomplishment. He had this amazed look on his face but he was silent. My stretched anus slid all the way down his shaft until i was sitting on his balls. I started riding his dick and he would shove me down to the base and tell me go lower. I tried to jerk myself while i rode him, and then he tried to suck my cock while i rode him. The best feeling was when we held each other with him inside me in a long, sweaty embrace, that was heaven and god could have just killed me there. When i got bored of my four year overdue victory, we cleaned up in the bathroom, then I sucked him some more, sometimes he fucked my face above me, sometimes he sucked me, and sometimes we just embraced. We went for a cigarette and as he got up i sucked him while he stood. He was blown away by his blow job. I didnt cum, but i was so satisfied. When Sean fell asleep, i grabbed his cock which got hard, and i jerked myself off. I wondered if he was awake.
I didnt sleep that well that night as i usually dont, and his dang cat kept climbing all over mine and his naked bodies. I traced his skin with my fingertips, and looked at his face while he slept. My Sean, my obsession, there, naked with me in his four poster bed. I was the luckiest guy in the world. When the sun came up, i was still awake, and when i felt Sean stir, i climbed on top of him to find he was rock hard. I sucked him, just for fun, and he once again said " im cumming" and i let him cum in my mouth again as i worked his fat tool. I swallowed it all, kissed him, and said good morning. "Good morning" he said, and smiled at me, the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Sean in the morning, naked and smiling at me. He looked down and was surprised to see his dick was licked clean.
We went for a cigarette, i roughhoused with him as he tried to climb up off the bed by shoving him back down on it. And he said, "do you want me to get up or not" and i tried to grab him but he was stronger than me. "do you work out?" i asked him, because when we were at school together he didn't. He said he did, and i told him i was pissed he was stronger than me.
After our cigarette we went back to his bed, all i had eaten that day and the night before was his cum. I jerked him and myself off, but he came first which surprised the hell out of me, but it was hot to see his much coveted semen gush out of his huge swollen dickhead all over my hand. He tried to jerk me off but he couldn't do it the way I liked, so i just took over, grabbed his constantly hard dick in my other hand and came in front of my lover.
We got up to go to swim in a waterfall, and he called me babe. At the waterfall, i went skinny dipping because i had never done it before. It felt really weird. After that, Sean said if i could get hard he would go down on me at the waterfall. I tried my damndest to get it up, and i almost did, so i called him over and he sucked me. It actually felt really good, but i was so stressed about being in public that i wasnt gonna cum. Then, some old lady yelled "YOOHOO" and we scrambled to get our bathing suits back on. Then she said she couldn't see much, and she and her friend actually sat down next to us. We escaped, and sean's joke was that she said "yoohoo i saw everything!" but surprisingly he was ok with getting caught. He had come a long way with the gay stuff, especially cause he was the one with a dick in his mouth.
When we got back, he got a little weird. He said, "i guess felatio is just something you get better at with practice" I said he was good, that i was just scared. And he had gotten pretty good over the course of the weekend. I should have just told him how to do it. Next time.
He was feeling guilty i think, because he was trying to make things work with his exgirlfriend. But fuck her, sean was mine, and i never got a chance to truly have him. I broke down that second day, and told him how i had been running on empty for so long. He was unsympathetic, and tried to tell me that he thought our karma was resolved and he never wanted to see me again. But what was nuts is that we got along so well. We were lovers, we were best friends, and we were kids again. I wanted him to say, come live with me; let's try to make this work. At some point i grabbed him from behind in a hug like Brokeback Mountain, and i thought, "it could be like this always." but Sean's an idiot sometimes, and he thinks our worlds are too different. But for four years, he was my world.
I asked him for one last kiss, before we left to drop me at the train station, and he dodged it with his cheek. He really was a jerk, but i might always love that jerk. I didn't hear from him after that weekend, not in any serious way, and maybe I will never see him again. But on the bus back home I had a revelation about the stories of human lives. About how the ends of our stories are never really ends at all, but as new chapters get added, what was previously thought of as an end becomes rewritten in context. What I thought was the end of Tom and Sean as that elevator door closed three years ago, was not an end. And I let that moment define me, but with this new chapter added, once I sorted through the wreckage, it would describe a new me, and what happens in my life in the future, with or without Sean, would redefine me again, continuously. As old endings keep getting added onto, who we were and who we become changes as well, the stories shift, and redemption becomes forever possible.
I hoped you liked my first story here, it's the only one I've got in me at this time in my life. But every single detail in it was the truth as best as I can remember, and It's an honor to share it. If you feel compelled to write to me you can go to my website fishkillart.com I've got an email listed there, and some paintings and other art(mostly inspired by Sean and my experience of being gay and Asian American).
Copyright 2012