Hi again
Today I add the third chapter of the story of Toni.
Please get me some feedback, because it is frustrating not to know how a story is received.
I hope you'll enjoy chapter 3
By the way the e-amil is: mailtomatt@yamail.com
Toni The Book Chapter 3
Although I wanted nothing more than to be with the girl in her it took me until the weekend to go to her apartment. Standing at her front door I was hit by a a full load of butterflies and when she opened I felt my cock stirring. She was wonderful. She had heavier make-up than usual, accenting those beautiful eyes even more. She wore a mini skirt and a blouse that was knotted at her stomach leaving a free view on her navel and she was bare-footed. I saw a figure that probably 90 percent of the women her age would be jealous of. But the biggest surprise was her hair. The times I had seen her during our separation she had her hair in a knot or a pony tail. Now she wore it open and it fell with a wealth of curls over her shoulders, it was also much longer than I remembered. I had the impression that she had lost weight, although her figure was fuller.
Her eyes that night were not sad but with an expecting longing that I could not define. She smiled one of her irresistible smiles and asked me in. She had me seated on the couch. I was sitting at exactly the same spot as I had been sitting on the evening I ran out. She got me a rum and coke and before I could say anything, she silenced me with a finger on her lips and started to talk.
"Matt, before you say anything, I want to tell you about myself. This is very difficult for me because I myself am not always sure about what I am and who I am. You know my family and you know that they are rich. Still I probably don't say anything surprising when I tell you that they are bound to the strict ways of the religion they belong to. This is true for a lot of farmers outside the city. Although my family made its money by transports and exports of the products of the region, they originate from these farmer families.
I was their first born child and they named me Anton. Probably the first sex my parents had after my birth was successful as my sister Melanie was born eleven months after me. My birthday is in January and hers is in December so we have the same year of birth without being twins. Still my first collections of my youth were always together with her. I must have been four when I remember that we both showed ourselves in the living room. We both wore dresses and my parents and the visiting family all found that very cute.
Melanie and I liked to swap clothes and nobody said anything against that until I started to notice consciously that Melanie and I were not the same. I had that appendix under my belly and she had a kind of snatch. Little children are very curious and we also investigated them with our hands. I asked my mother about it and she told me that it was all very simple; Melanie was a girl and I was a boy. During the talk that followed, she told me also that from that time on I should not wear Melanie's clothes anymore. I would go to a Kindergarten soon and that would mean that I had to wear boy clothes all day long.
I was confused but also curious.. In the Kindergarten there were boys as well as girls. Now I was able to observe both of them and there my problems began. I automatically sought the nearness of girls. In the beginning I was even accepted by them. I loved the way they talked amongst each other and I was generally interested in the subjects they discussed. Even at that early age there were already some of them who boasted that they went with one of the boys in the class.
When after some time I told them in my innocence that I also wanted to go with one of the boys my acceptance was abruptly finished. I was informed that boys did not go with boys. From that moment my loneliness started. I should have mixed with the boys but I could not relate to them. They talked about soccer and all kinds of things that I was not the least interested in. I played with dolls together with my sister but I was laughed at when I mentioned that to other boys.
My situation improved a little bit when Melanie also came to the Kindergarten a year later. It was a strange situation. I was the older one but Melanie was a cute little girl and already had many boy admirers. At that age I had the first experience what it meant to be the fifth wheel on the wagon.
I still know how I hated the clothes that I had to wear. I did not want these awful shoes, trousers were OK but I hated the short variation, which came almost to my knees. I complained steadily about the shirts that itched and scratched. The biggest problem was my hair; every time I had to get my hair cut I went berserk. I really fought the barber and even vaguely remember to have bitten biting him at one time.
As I already said, my younger sister was like my big brother and we were inseparable in school as well as at home. Although my parents had forbidden us to swap clothes, we continued to do that when we were alone. After a while however Melanie started to hate the boys' clothes as much as I did. From that time she became my mentor in clothing matters during our sessions.
When I went to elementary school I fell back into my loneliness. After one year when Melanie came also to that school, it was not the same as in Kindergarten. This time it was obvious to both of us that we could not continue by being a pair. At home however she kept on being my best and only friend. The birth of my youngest sister Theresa, who is 8 years younger than I, did not change anything in our relationship.
As long as I can remember I also was very conscious of my body. At night I liked to get out of my pajamas and touch my body and of course my penis. I did not hate it but I always wanted to be as Melanie. I loved to lie on my back with my penis tucked backwards between my closed tights and stroking the triangle that was created in that way. I could fantasize having a pussy and being a girl. Of course I let Melanie in on this new accomplishment. After that we stroke each other when my penis was tucked in. These occasions however were not very frequent as we were not allowed to sleep together any more. We even had separate rooms after we moved to the big house that you also know.
When I was approximately 11 years old I found out that I could stroke my penis head behind my back until I had a good feeling in my stomach. After some time however that good feeling was accompanied with the oozing of a sticky substance from my penis. I could not prevent to spill this cum on the bed sheets. I tried to prevent it by pressing my tights together, but that was impossible because my seed balls were also pressed together in that way.
Later that day my mother talked to me about it as she had found the wetted bed sheets. She was not angry as I would have expected. The reason for the easy acceptance of it was probably that she thought it was a good sign. That at last I was becoming the boy they had wanted me to be all along. Still they told me that I should not do it again because it was a bad habit. They did not volunteer to inform me why it was bad.
After that lecture I perfected my masturbating. I found out that I could stow my balls in a pouch under my belly before I tucked my penis backwards between my legs. In that way I could masturbate my member from behind. When I felt myself coming I now could press my legs together and prevent my cum to spill out".
After this development I did not stop of course and masturbated regularly. I even told Melanie about it. At first she was mighty jealous. Some time later she informed me proudly that she also had found a way to generate that butterfly feeling in her stomach. She had to rub her little snatch and the small but on top of it. Her masturbation of course had no spurting side effects. Again I was sure that it was better to be a girl.
I continued to wear Melanie's clothes and when she became twelve we could even start to experiment with some make up. It was always an event when my parents were out of the house and I could dress up. Bu it was bound to go wrong of course. One bad day, when my parents came home unexpectedly, I was parading the living room in full ornate and even with make up. They were raving mad and I was under house arrest for quite some time. At that time they understood that they themselves were not able to cope with the situation. They simply did not know how to act in such a situation and their last hope was that the family doctor would be able to cope with it.
The doctor probably never dealt with a transsexual in his entire life. He only tried to lecture me about the proper ways to behave as a boy. I was lucky to come out of the visits with him without prescriptions of male hormones. I guess at that time these kinds of therapies were not really known to old MD's. He only got my parents to put me on a diet that included horse meat and excluded any chicken and cow meat.
Since that time my parents tried to force me into boy occupations all the time. I got the best electrical mode trains and race tracks. I liked them but played with only half heartedly with and only when Melanie joined me. I was enlisted in one of the local soccer clubs. My father was part of the managing comity. On the power of this office he had me playing every Saturday. I did not like soccer at all because in my opinion it was one of the most male sports around. I was so bad that the trainer had me out every time after about half an hour. This continued for some months until my father gave up. He came to the conviction that to force me on the field, showing everybody how bad I was, did not help the case at all.
Still they did not give up. They told me that I had to participate in a sport's team but that I could choose kind of sports. Although I postponed the decision for several weeks they kept insisting. At the end I opted for "Korfbal" which is a Dutch invention and can best be compared to basket ball. The most eminent differences are firstly that it is played outside on a field. The second one that made me chose this alternative was that it is played with mixed players; e.g. boys as well as girls.
Of course Melanie and I did not stop with our clothing sessions. We only got more careful. We dared to go into the living room only for a short time shortly after my mother left the house. She left us alone rather frequently because she loved to shop. She also had many friends, who organized tea parties frequently. Luckily for us she used to take Terry with her, especially to the tea parties. There were always other girls her age accompanying their mothers at these meetings. During the shopping afternoons we mostly had to baby sit on Terry and clothing sessions were automatically cancelled.
I kept on loving these sessions. Both Melanie and I knew that it was not normal. We talked a lot about it trying to find reasons. The only explanation we had as 12 and 11 year olds was an easy child's reasoning. Melanie had tried on my clothes but discarded them. She did not like them for the same reasons as I did and could very well understand that I preferred her clothes.
When I moved to high school I fell in love for the first time with a boy. His name was John and he was two classes over me. Children of 12 to 14 years did not know about transsexuals but they had heard stories about homosexuals. I was sure now that I was a homosexual. To talk to John was impossible. Like in most schools around the world older boys did not talk with younger boys. All I could do was standing in the shadows and envy the girl that he started to date. As I said before I was very much alone.
When Melanie followed to High School our clothing sessions became lesser and lesser. The first reason was that Terry was not taken along so much with my mother anymore. Melanie increasingly lost interest too however. She got many new girlfriends to hang put with and she even had her first dates with boys. I was mostly the one to baby sit on Terry. Although we got along rather well, I intuitively knew that she was not helped by a brother who acted like a girl.
When I was 14 I started to notice body hair which I hated so much that I turned to Melanie again. She did not have any yet but told me that she had heard from an older girl that she shaved her arm pits. At the first possible occasion I "borrowed" my father's Gillette and a used razor blade. I shaved my arm pits and pubes and bled like a dog. Luckily Melanie came home before I really panicked. Together we tried to stop the bleeding; fortunately we succeeded before Melanie could panic too. After that I did not touch a razor for a month and bore the itching. But when the hairs became really visible again I repeated the procedure, with much better results this time. I soon bought a razor myself from my allowance and started to shave regularly until today.
The first three high school years were difficult for me. I was not an outcast but because I did not socialize I was a stranger to everybody. The boys seemed to feel that I did not belong to them and neglected and bullied me. Luckily enough I was never beaten because of my strangeness. To the girls I was not interesting as a boy, whom they found dull and unattractive.. Of course there was absolutely no possibility whatsoever to talk with them on a girl to girl basis.
The funny diet of the family doctor only lasted a few months but I saw to it that I ate a lot of chicken meat. I do not know to what good that was but I started to notice subtle difference between me and other boys. Some of them got hair on their upper lips while I did not have any hair on my face. Others even started to get hair on their breasts. They also got lower voices while mine stayed more or less as it was. The strangest and partly frightening thing was that I grew tiny breasts.
The only one I told about them was Melanie of course. After the period with John we both had come to the conclusion that I had to be homo sexual. Upon the information about my breasts she reacted relieved. In her opinion that proved that I was not homo sexual. There was of course no explanation as to what I was as a non homosexual boy with breasts.
The "breasts" could easily be stowed away and disguised. They might even have been smaller as with some of the fatter boys in my class. With my lean figure they should not have been there though. When we had swimming and sport lessons however I was always afraid to be found out and occasionally some of the boys made a remark. At such occasions I could have sank into the ground.
Matt you cannot imagine how lonely I was.. I was a freak to those children who took a closer look and also to myself. It was frightening because I had no clue what was happening. I knew of course the difference between boys and girls and I had no way to consider myself in another way than as a boy. At that time I had absolutely no clue that all these strange things happening to me meant that I was more female than male. The circumstance that made things even worse was that the distance between me and the other pupils became ever greater.
Only at night in bed I found a little solace when I lay naked with my penis tucked in and stroking myself. Massaging my breasts, kneading my nipples between thumb and forefinger and caressing the triangle under my belly I really felt like a girl. I fantasized about walking around in girls' clothes, fooling around or shopping with Melanie and mostly I cried my self to sleep.
All these developments made me evermore unsure of myself. Slowly I drifted into a permanent depressive mood. During the fourth grade this feeling became really unbearable. I had no friend whatsoever, not a boyfriend and not a girlfriend.. I told you before that I never was beaten up because of my strangeness. But to be neglected one hundred percent by everybody around you is almost as bad as beatings. Even Melanie at that time drifted away from me. She had girlfriends and a steady flow of boyfriends. Although she always had an open ear for me, I sensed occasions where it was clear that she had her mind on other things than my problems.
At the end o f the fourth year I was really very close to suicide. During the subsequent holidays Melanie and I were again spending more time together. We even had a room together at the holiday resort. I could wear her clothes again for short spans of time and my spirits went up a little. At the start of the fifth grade however, the loneliness returned with ever deeper depressive moods. I made up my mind that I would not live to finish high school.
But like the saying says, when the problems become overwhelming rescue may be near. In my case the rescue was a new boy in the fifth grade. There were rumors that he had been kicked out of a school in Rotterdam just before the exams. He was a year older than me, as he had to do the year again and his name was Marcel. He changed my life and as a matter of fact, he probably also saved it.
It was friendship on first sight. He was very handsome and kind of wild and he was a homosexual. Marcel was the son of a university professor and had originally attended a Gymnasium in Rotterdam. In his fifth grade he seduced his sports teacher. After he had been expelled, he had to repeat the fifth grade. His family though it better to have him changed to a school in Delft. As Marcel did not volunteer information, his father had a long talk with the teacher in order to find out what happened. He came out of that meeting being convinced that the man was more a victim than a culprit.
He and his wife already had known for some years that Marcel had homo sexual tendencies. They kept hoping that he would change but now they got the confirmation that that would not be the case. Luckily for Marcel his parents were open-minded and probably even for a liberal family, ahead of their time.
On our second date he asked me bluntly whether I was homosexual. I told him that I thought I was. He asked me about my experiences in that field. When I told him that I had no experiences whatsoever he started to act like a big brother. A big brother however to whom I lost my virginity.
Although we were not in love with each other we decided that we would make sex. I was really exited when he organized the place of a friend for an evening. He organized the evening in the way of real lovers coming together. He cooked for us and when we finished our dinner and had drunken our win, he gave me my first double cognac. After that he started to undress me. By the time we got naked, I had the biggest erection of my life. I hated it because in my opinion it was so very boyish. He was very kind to me and told me what he did when he kissed me and sucked my dick. I came in an orgasm that left me gasping for breath. It was so much different and better than the ones I had after masturbation.
That evening I was introduced in the sexual world of homosexuals and I felt a dick for the first time in my anus. I also sucked a penis for the first time and drank his cum when he came. When we lay together after our love making he asked me whether I had enjoyed it. I told him honestly that I did but that I felt funny about it because I did not really love him.
He told me from his side that in his opinion I was not a homosexual. Upon my question what I was when not homosexual, he told me that he had gotten the impression to have been with a woman. My breasts wore the most important indication. Another was my skin that was much too soft for a boy's. Also the lack of body hair in the places where I did not shave was unusual. But the most important indication to him was my voice, which he found typically female.. I always had thought it to be too low for a girl. Upon these remarks from his side I spilled my heart out to him. I told him about my youth and all the lonely days and my feeling to be a girl in a boy's body.
With all his worldliness Marcel was at loss with my problem. He mentioned it however at home and his parents invited me for a talk. The Johnsons were the kind of parents that I longed for. They had me tell my story and after that they told me that I was probably a born transsexual. For the first time in my life I heard that there were indeed people like myself, who were indeed born into the wrong body.
They asked me whether I would like to talk to Dr. Smith, who was their family doctor. I eagerly accepted that opportunity. Our first session was only a short one. He took blood samples of me and gave me a questionnaire that I had to fill out. After I was ready with that he gave me a new appointment for the following week. After the words of the Johnsons that had lifted my spirits tremendously, his purely medical attitude was kind of a disappointment to me.
A week later I went to visit him again and now he was like another person. Dr. Smith confirmed what the Johnsons had presumed. His first information to me was that the blood tests had proved that I was indeed more female than male. He explained to me how hormones determined the sex of a person. My so-called hormones household was definitely that of a woman
He was of another caliber than our family doctor. He probably had prepared himself for our second meeting because he had a lot of information and even pictures of women with dicks. He informed me that people like me had always been present in history. With some old civilizations they were held in high regard, because they were seen as blessed by the Gods. Of course, our Western society and especially the Christian religion had changed all this by making them outcasts and freaks.
During the long afternoon together with him he asked me about my feelings. How I reacted on things, what my dreams were. Although he must have noticed that I was extremely insecure and unsure of myself, he told me that the worst thing I could do was trying to be a man. He also told me that people like me could have surgery that would change me into a real complete woman. At the end of our meeting he told me that we should continue to talk regularly. Art the moment that was all he could do. Normally he would prescribe hormones but he was unable to do that without the consent of my parents.
Matt I was walking on clouds. I felt that I was no freak after all, that I could not help what I was. I did not need to fight it anymore when I felt like a woman.. Of course the problems were not solved yet. Much to the contrary, now I was really imprisoned in a boy's body and still could not talk about it at home.
After that diagnosis I was invited again by the Johnsons. That visit was the start of a lasting friendship. They told me that although Marcel and I would not be intimate friends anymore they would love me to visit them regularly. At first I was reluctant which must have shown clearly. They took no notice of that and told me that they wanted to try and give me the guidance that my parents were obviously not able to. That was the first time I cried in the presence of strangers. I told them everything they wanted to know, about my parents, my sisters and my punishments when the found me in Mel's clothes. Above all I told them about my loneliness and suicidal feelings before meeting Marcel.
After that first visit many followed although they were right of course regarding Marcel. He lost interest. I told you that he was a wild boy but in his sexual relations he was strictly the bottom part. He was a seducer alright, which he had proven but he could not relate to someone like me. I was definitely too much a female for him. As my sex had now more or less been determined Ms. Johnson proposed to me to really try out females clothes. She took my measures and called me after a week inviting me for a dinner at their house. I had to come already early in the afternoon. I told at home that I would stay with Marcel and his parents which was OK'ed.
When I came to the Johnsons house, Ms. Johnson was alone. She got me into tears again as she took me with her to her bed room, where a small wardrobe was laying on the bed. Now I had a real dress session. She told me to take off the clothes I was wearing and take a shower. After I had done that she came into the bath room. When I reacted embarrassed, she told me to leave the pruderies out as she knew how boys looked. She started from the very beginning showing me what women used for their skins. She even cut my nails on hands and feet and got nail polish on them. When I started to object, she assured me that she would remove it before I went home again.
The next step was underwear. She had me put on a padded bra and panties. Seeing the bulge in the panties she was a little bit at a loss. Pulling the panties down, I showed her how I tucked myself in. After putting them on again she clapped in her hands when she saw my flat abdomen. After that she seated me in front of the big make-up mirror and started to put on make up in a very decent way. Telling me that less was more, she basically only worked with eye make-up and lipstick. To put lipstick on is no big deal but to make up your eyes is an art to which you need instructions. She finished it by putting some perfume behind my ears. She apologized that this perfume was really for elder women but she had no other available.
My hair was another matter. As the Beatles had not had started their big successes yet, my hair was definitely a boys' cut. Ms. Johnson was unable to create something feminine with it. But altogether after I had put on pantyhose, skirt and blouse I held my breath when I saw myself in the mirror. I saw a girl. A very beautiful young girl, Ms. Johnson assured me.
That night I dined with the family as a girl. To Mr. Johnson I was introduced as Antonia. He looked at me and started to say that he had expected Anton. He only got halfway in the sentence before realizing who I was. It goes without saying that that afternoon and evening were the most beautiful in my life until then. I was feeling and treated like a real girl, for the first time in my life. I also saw Mr. Johnson looking stealthily at me several times during the evening. I had tears in my eyes when I had to change in boy's clothes again and had to say goodbye
The following visits were all heavenly to me as I could openly talk about myself. Occasionally the Johnsons allowed me to dress up like a girl. I wanted to dress up every time but they held me back, saying it was not the right time yet. After some time I confessed them that I had informed Melanie about my visits to which they reacted very negatively initially. They asked me whether I had thought of the consequences, when Melanie would spill some of our "secret" to my parents. I told them that Melanie and I had shared that secret already for a long time and that she was my only real friend in the world. Still they held back for some weeks, but after that they asked me to bring Melanie along because they wanted to meet her.
Melanie at first was reluctant, because she felt that the visit would only be some kind of test but in the end she agreed. She came along splendidly with the Johnsons. During the evening I could see that they lost all doubts that they may have had about her. After that she occasionally accompanied me to them, mostly when she was in between boyfriends.
During these visits we also found out that Melanie and I were look-a-likes. One time when Melanie had her hair out of her face and were basically dressed in the same clothes Ms Johnson came in. I could see that she held her breath. She took us by the hand and had us stand in front of the big dressing mirror. We saw two girls that could have been twins.
Some months before Marcel and I would make the end examinations in our school, the Johnsons asked me very officially to visit them. Also Marcel was there and I was invited to accompany them to a restaurant for dinner. Already during this dinner they told me the reason for the invitation. They said that during the year that they knew me, they had come to regard me almost as their own child.
A child however that had special problems. When Marcel had told them in the beginning that he wanted them to talk to me and also had told why, they were only mildly interested. A little bit curious, yes, but they did not think much of it. When they met me however, they understood instantly, that I was not a kinky boy with a spleen for female clothes. They had understood there was more and that I was indeed a transsexual. A kind of people they had heard of but never had met.
During the subsequent visits they had learned to know me as a girl, who they themselves would have liked to have had as a daughter. At that point I had to ask them whether they saw me really as a girl, to which the answer was a wholeheartedly: yes.. They also told me that they were so sorry for me, that I did not have any possibility the talk about my being different with my parents. Because of the attitude of my parents, they initially had reservations to allow me the experimenting with female clothes. These doubts were renewed, when I involved Melanie. Together with Dr. Smith they decided however to continue, as all of them felt that it would help me to cope with my situation.
A situation that could have led into a disaster for me very easily. They had had discussions with Dr. Smith without me. He had told them that in similar cases, people like me were easily lured into the half world of transvestite clubs and prostitution. The Johnsons told me that they wanted to help me to avoid such a future. Upon hearing that I could not hold back my tears. After I had calmed down a little bit, they came to the real reason for the invitation.
The problem at that time was that I had experimented with female clothes alright, but all that experimenting was done indoors. They thought it was necessary for me to experience the feeling of permanently wearing women's clothes. There would come a moment in my life, that I would have to make the decision to continue to live like a man or a woman. The best way to prepare me for that decision would be to live completely as a girl for some time. In Delft at that moment that was impossible and that is why they proposed me to join them on their holiday to Greece. Although my heart leapt at that thought, I told them right away that I was afraid that my parents would not agree to such a proposal. The Johnsons had already thought of that however and told me that they would call them.
During the following weekend they were able to organize a meeting with them during which Marcel played my friend. The Johnsons were an academic family. Mr. Johnson was even a university professor. To my parents such people were of course beyond any doubt. I got the OK at the end of the evening. The even insisted that they would pay for my costs.
Matt you cannot imagine what that meant for me. One week before our departure Marcel's mother and I went shopping alone in The Hague. I was allowed to get me a wardrobe for three weeks. That meant dresses, skirts, blouses, panties, bra's, trousers and bikini's. I already had some girl clothes at their house. Some Ms. Johnson had bought for me and some I had bought together with Melanie. Ms. Johnson told me however that these were for Dutch weather and I needed clothes for Greek weather now.
Again we started at the beginning buying panties and bras. Some white cotton panties for everyday use and some sexy ones for the evenings. We bought some day by day clothing that would fit boys as well as girls and dresses. Her first attire she had bought for me was a skirt but now I got some light dresses that felt completely different. I also got some shoes and my first pumps with 7 cm high heels. My first tryout was a disaster and I more or less panicked, telling Ms. Johnson, that everybody would know I was a boy. She however reassured me that the Greeks would only see a seventeen your old girl trying out her first pumps.
We also bought a bikini had and she insisted that it was one with a rather un-sexy bottom because of the tucking. I would have preferred a smaller one but she told me that under my garments small accidents with my member would not be a problem. With a bikini such a small problem could instantly become a big problem. I was elated at getting all these clothes and the prospect of two weeks as Antonia. I could hardly wait for the day of our departure.
The biggest problem at that time was my hair, still being at home I had no possibility to grow my hair long. Thanks to the starting general trend it was longer than few years before but it was by no way very girl like. I visited a hair dresser together with Mrs. Johnson, the same one I work for now, who cut my hair in a female way. I stayed however very unsure about it.
The voyage was made by me in the every day clothes (trousers and a shirt) that could easily have been worn by a boy. Like Ms. Johnson had said, the voyage was without problems and at the passport controls nobody looked at me twice. In Greece we had to go from Athens with a ferry to the Island of Aegina, where we checked into a hotel. That evening I came down shakily, because I was wearing my new pumps. I was side by side with Marcel as boy and girl, make up courtesy of his mother again..
It was the first of twenty dreamlike experiences. I was a girl 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Greek boys whistled after me. I could also see many of the fathers look at me with admiration. I even saw the occasional girl too look with envy in their eyes. Nobody seemed to wonder about the length of my hair, although all Greek girls wore their hair long. The beach was the most difficult part because my dick tried to live a life of its own and escape from his "prison". I had to go into the water regularly to get it into the right direction again. After that experience I started to use a special small panty for the tucking. Over it I put a normal sized panty, which you have noticed when you tried to undress me for the first time.
The best times were when I went to town together with Mr. Johnson. We were like two sisters giggling all the way. But between the giggles she constantly tutored me in doing things the way girls do it. Speak with a slightly higher voice, flatten your dress when sitting down, and keep your knees together.
You cannot begin to understand what that time meant to me. I was at last living in a way that I was sure was the right one. If there had been some doubts left in my mind not to go the path towards womanhood, they were washed away on the streets of Aegina.
When the second week started Mr Johnson announced that we would go on a boat trip of four days with an English friend of him. This friend had his yacht in the Aegean Sea and we would sail together with him to the islands of Poros and Hydra. As it turned out it was a big sailing boat with three separate cabins for sleeping. As Mr. Grainge had his son Frank with him, Ms.. Johnson and I had to share one of these cabins. It was great to be together with another woman on an equal basis. At home nakedness was a sin and my mother would never have showed herself to anybody; even not to my sisters. Ms Johnson did not seek these exposures, but when it was necessary there was nothing of this false prudery.
She was also curious about my body and she even investigated it thoroughly with her eyes.. She also asked me more intimate questions as she had done during our meetings when Mr. Johnson was also present. One thing she was very curious about whether I was attracted to girls or to boys. I honestly told her that I really did not know, but that boys looking to me exited me definitively more than when girls did it.
Sometimes I had the idea that she was close to seducing me. I was glad that she didn't because that would have shattered my whole world. I was different but besides that I was still very much imbedded in the strict rules of conduct of my education and background. I certainly was not ready to make love with an older woman. Especially not as I could not have faced Mr. Johnson ever again and I had a horror to loose the only family I ever had until then.
Frank the son of the English friend was another case. He was a year younger than me and he obviously had fallen in love with me on first sight. He followed me everywhere and on the third night when we anchored in a beautiful bay he asked me to go together into the nearby village. Ms Johnson gave her consent and that was my first date. I had dated with Marcel of course but he knew what I was. Frank didn't know and I still have a special place in my heart for him. At the end of the walk before returning to the boat we kissed and that was the first time I kissed a boy as a girl.
Before flying back to Holland we stayed 2 nights in Athens. They were two days and evenings I will always remember. The first day we visited to Acropolis and shopped at their "basar" In the evening we went for dinner to the Plaka. The second day was museums day and in the evening we ate fish in Piraeus. I was happy and unhappy at the same time Matt. Happy because I loved that time so much that it almost hurt and unhappy because se that wonderful time came to en end.
Coming back from the holiday I fell into a deep hole mentally. For me the holiday could have lasted forever. During that time I again considered suicide. With the help of the Johnsons and because I would be legally mature at my eighteenth birthday I kept going. I had also a new meeting with the Dr. Smith, who asked me again whether I wanted to go on to become a girl. When I confirmed this, he told me that no, three months before my eighteenth birthday, he wanted to start a hormone treatment with me. This was illegal of course but he felt that I needed it to be better prepared to the change when the moment would arrive.
The first effects this hormone treatment had on me was more depressions, but after one month I started to notice also other effects. The aureoles around my nipples seemed to become larger as did my breasts. My skin felt softer and I even noticed when wearing tighter clothes that my hips got broader. The last months before my eighteenth birthday, I dressed as a girl every time I visited the Johnsons.
Shortly before my eighteenth birthday I told the Johnsons that I wanted to get out of the university, in which I just had enrolled and search a job. They were not happy with the decision, but I had made up my mind and again they were darlings as they helped me again.
Mr. Johnson together with the Dr. Smith got me this room and organized a job at the hair salon for me. My new boss knew my story and also wanted to help me. Shortly after my eighteenth birthday, the big showdown took place with the family. I announced that I would leave the university and start working. They pleaded with me, yelled with me, threatened me and even sweet talked with me but I had to do it.
The first month of my new life, I stayed with the Johnsons being their only "child" as Marcel had gone away to study in the USA. Ms Johnson was my coach again into my 7/24 womanhood. I do not know what I would have done without her. She was more mother to me than my own mother had ever been. The Johnsons however were always the first to defend the behavior of my parents. They kept insisting that they were probably as much overburdened with my problems as I was myself.
They even visited them a second time and tried to reason with them. After the visit they told me that they had felt that both were suffering under the situation. Still both of them also had constantly talked about the sins of Anton in face of the church. They had tried to convince them that my problems were purely medical. At the end they even tried to tell them that a God might have wanted it as a test for them. But even that was to no avail.
The very first months were full of new experiences. Every morning was a new expedition into a fairy land that was called womanhood. As Anton I had needed less than half an hour between waking up and leaving the house. As Toni I needed an hour and more to shower, always looking for hairs that had to be removed and to dress up ever so slowly. Going out of the apartment was like starting an adventure every day again. I always walked to the salon. Firstly because I had no bicycle and secondly, with my dick tucked in, I also preferred not to try riding a bike. But you know the salon is not that far away from here. Everything was very sexy and I must admit that I was in a constant state of arousal during that time.. When I got used to all of it the loneliness crept back again however.
Also due to the hormone therapy I had a very depressive mood and I cried a lot. In the beginning I visited the Johnsons regularly, but Marcel had gone to college abroad. Because I did not want to bother them with my moods the visits became less and less. I tried to get friends and found a good one among my colleagues. After a while however she found a boyfriend. Although she tried to talk me into dating a friend of her friend, I was not ready for that. After that our contacts became less and less. I did get offers from boys but was always afraid to accept the. I was sure that after some dates most of them would only be interested in getting into my panties.
Still I wanted a friend, preferably a boyfriend, to talk with and to cry on his shoulder when I felt down. I longed to do things together and to discover the world and then you came into my life. After our first encounters you were just friendly. You did not urge me to get upstairs and I instantly knew that you could be at least a steady friend. After our first dates, I desperately fell in love with you. I loved every minute with you and I would have liked so much to go with you to Italy. I did not dare to do it because I was convinced that I would be discovered during the trip, but I counted every day until your return. My moods in that time almost disappeared. I even started to see a light at the end of the tunnel and then you gave me the ultimatum.
During that first month we were separated I tried to forget you because I was so afraid to loose you when you would know the truth. But gradually I convinced myself that you would understand it. I should have known of course that it would not work and than the most horrible scenario developed anyway. When I saw the expression on your face changing into disgust, when you realized what you saw, I knew all was lost.
After that evening I fell back into a very depressive mood and the few times that I saw you were not helping. Especially the second time when you sensed that my bruises were not from falling was awful. I really contemplated to kill myself and make an end to it. You were however only partly right. A new friend I had opened a toilet door at the wrong moment and saw my dick. He reacted impulsively and violently. I was hit full in the face, which made me stumble and fall on the washing basin. I almost was knocked out and when I stood again he had disappeared. To you I only said that not everybody was like you and when I saw your eyes there was no disgust anymore. You seemed to be really interested in what had happened to me. At the same time you seemed to be afraid to know the truth about what had happened and I did not volunteer to say more.
The last time I saw you was on the market place and you had an expression of jealousy in your eyes when you saw me with that other man. He was just a salesman visiting the hair salon, who invited me for a coffee. As a matter of fact he was no competition to you at all, as he was gay. At that moment I really had a slight hope that you would be there when I returned from the toilet but it was not yet time.
I was so alone and devastated that I started to dislike my body. I especially hated my penis that was the source of all my unhappiness. I had always liked to see myself in the mirror. Of course my favorite pose had with my legs together and my penis tucked in. Later I guess, I got used to my female body that featured a penis. Now before you came back, I even broke several mirrors in the apartment. The realization that others and especially you found me so revolting, made me feel utterly lost and hopeless.
Now you know everything" she said to me.
I was silent for as long time. I cursed myself silently for my selfish behavior. I never had spent a thought about the hell she must have gone through. After some time I looked up at her and saw panic and fear creeping into her face. I got her hand and draw her to me. In a silent embrace we now sat together silently for a long time.
When I broke the embrace she started: "Matt when you want to be just a friend it's OK. Please don't go away again." She wanted to say more but I shook my head and I told her that I was there to stay. I told her about my research. I knew now that she was indeed a woman with a wrong body. After that I told her about my ill fated activities with all those girls during our separation. I even told her rather bluntly that I had fucked every girl I could get just to prove I was no queer. But I also told her that after each discarded girl the certainty increased that I wanted her.
I told her about my second trip to Italy and of Nicola's plans in the USA and his plans for me in that context. I told her also that I had turned down the proposal because it would have meant that I would not have been able to try to get her back . I saw tears in her eyes at that moment but I knew they were tears of joy. At the end I asked her formally whether we could be together again. I also asked her however to give me time to accept her body as it was. She said nothing but embraced me with a happy smile.
To Be continued.
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