After we got back to Holland I was ready to make the next move in my professional life. I told the bosses in Amsterdam that I wanted to be closer to the source of popular music. I wanted to relocate to the States in order to realize that. Although the permission to make a move like that was given readily, it took almost a year to become effective.
Toni upon hearing that the move to that country was closer than she had imagined, had other problems to solve. From the beginning it was without question for her that she would accompany me, but also in her case there were problems. Problem number on was the shop, which in five short years had expanded and was now one of the best in town. During the expansion she had ever gotten more shares in the venue and was now more or less sole owner. She had to find a buyer. Although she started the search right away, it took her nine months. When the transaction was finalized my little she-male lover .who was expelled by her family, was instantly a millionaire. We partied a long weekend inviting all our friends.
The next problem was trickier. For her fist visit to the States she had dressed more or less like a man. A gay man for sure but it was accepted by the immigration officers. Now she wanted to go as a woman. Dutch law did enable changes of identity without surgery and she wanted to go for it. I agreed wholeheartedly of course as Toni was more woman than many of the GG women I knew. It was high time to get that officially acknowledged.
Together we made an appointment with Dr. Smith in Delft. During the return to the town we also visited the Johnsons, on which occasion I met Marcel for the first time. It was a very happy reunion. Toni had always said that Marcel had saved her life but during that night I found out that that gratitude was mutual. In a conversation I had with Marcel, he told me that Toni, from her part, had saved him from drifting into the leather clad BDSM street boy scene. She had given him new values. He was sure that if he would not have met her he would have been dead by now.
The visit to Dr Smith was a private one amongst friends. Firstly Toni wanted to know what she had to do to have her gender classification in her passport changed from male to female. We were informed that it would need some medical surveys and some psychiatric sessions. Altogether it was not too difficult in her case. The second item to be discussed was a gender changing surgery. I was taken by surprise as we never had talked about it before. Toni also said that up to now she never had contemplated it. Now she would like to know what the implications were.
The Doctor told us that the medical world had come a long way since our first visits. There was now much more research known about transsexuals. Also on the surgical field there had been improvements. One of the major problems facing trans gender people in case of surgery did not apply to us. We were obviously still happy with each other and a good partner was the best insurance against depression. This was generally true but particularly for transsexual people.
The problem he saw and he was very honest at that point, was that Toni would have to choose between two things. He told us that we both probably accepted her penis and that I might even admire her body as it was. After contemplating the point of view I had to confirm it. Toni had a very straight medium sized penis with a ball sack that was draped as a small collar around the base. A ball sack that was decreased after the use of the hormones that made her the woman she was.
The alternative was a vagina that was visibly made by a surgeon. At that time with all the improvements, it was not yet possible to model female genitals in a way that it looked as close to a natural one as today. He had pictures to underline what he said. It took only one look between the two of us to lay the topic aside, at least for the time being.
Still we would go the Sates as man and woman. On the way back to Amsterdam she said jokingly that after she was officially declared a woman, we would be able to marry. Because I did not react on this remark, she left it like that but I was sure that this Westerloo girl had set her next goal.
I was the first to make the move overseas. Although Toni had found a buyer everything took much longer than expected, as it always does when substantial amounts of money are involved. I being in the USA did mean going from overdrive to after burner. I was immediately part of the musical and cultural in crowd. It was a life of constant partying and going out in a town that was bursting with more live than Amsterdam or London. It was a life that was full of sexual opportunities and I got to know another transsexual.
New York at that time had embraced gay and transsexual people. In the wake of Andy Warhol, Lou Reed and David Bowie many had found the courage to out themselves. They were the exotic entourage of many parties. During one of these parties I saw a girl with long legs, a fabulous figure and almost no breasts. With hair that was draped around her face as a black halo. On first sight I was mesmerized with her. I intuitively knew right away that she was transsexual.
When she saw me she drifted instantly into my direction and we almost said hello simultaneously. Her name was Nicolette. She told me right away that she had seen in my face that I knew what she was. I was perplexed because I had never expected that the mysterious gaydar would also work for me.
That night we ended up in my suite and I learned to know every inch of her body. She was different from Toni. Toni always was a girl, feminine to the tips of her toes. Nicolette was more into the direction of a drag queen to me. She had a strange but very sensual male aura but she also had a gorgeous body. She had much of everything as she was taller than me. She could however pass for a real woman any time she wanted, which I found out on one of our next dates.
I was mesmerized by her because her naked body had an unbelievable shameless It made me wanting to rape her constantly and that resulted in love making that was always close to brutal. With her I always ended up making inhibited anal love together. I told her of course about Toni and shortly before her arrival we parted. Nicolette stayed a friend and she also learned to know Toni. The way Toni used looked at her however made me always wonder whether she guessed something.
On the professional side I again had a stroke of luck. I arrived in the States at the time that the old established ways of Country & Western music changed. Its productions had been drifting ever more into orchestra based middle of the road music. After my first visits as A&R manager I heard the rumors about a new scene in Austin, Texas. Upon my first visit in that city I signed my first deals with country acts. I was with the first wave of the Outlaw movement that would change the C&W market forever.
Four months later Toni arrived in New York. I was much too early at the airport of course to collect her. After more than a two hours wait I saw her coming through the sliding doors of the luggage area. I relived the experience again; I fell in love with her.
One year passed at an incredible pace, in which we became part of the entertainment crowd of New York. Again Toni was the focus of attention. But with the progression of time she began to draw back a little bit. I noticed it but thought that the absence of Mel was the reason. Still she was of course my steady companion. We lived a fast life, which had its highlights when acts that I had helped to develop and release, were topping the charts. Every such occasion meant party time and there were many as we generally were also invited when the competition had reason to party.
Also the concert scene in New York was different from Holland and even England. At that time the Fillmore East was still open and we were steady guests. We also attended many concerts in the Madison Square Gardens. On request of Toni we also went regularly to the Carnegie Hall. These concerts were always rather formal venues to us and I loved to go out with her all dressed up. Next to these big halls there were clubs by the dozens.
One of my first signings proved to be a big one. I had originally a band with a very good guitar player. I also had a young organ player however, who was introduced to me by our classical department. This musician wanted to get into the rock side of the music. I teamed them up calling them the Organgrinders, after an album of Jazz Organist Jimmie Smith. I had a winning formula on my hands. Other band signed were mostly Country Rock, as this kind of music had its heyday in that time.
Toni drifted around during this time and seemed not to be able to find new goals or occupations. I searched for her too of course and she got several offers. Firstly out of the hair fashion scene but also out of the expanded environment of the entertainment business. She even got several offers to become a fashion model. With one of the people making such an offer we discussed the possibility.
Upon hearing that Toni was a transsexual he was not taken aback but wanted her more than ever. The problem was that he too was convinced that the press would know what she was within a short time. At that time a topic like that would have been big news. Especially Toni was not ready to face such attention and I must admit that I thanked her secretly for that. All offers in the end were not up to her liking. Only after our first year together in the States, she told me that she had made up her mind.
She wanted to go to New Orleans and study at the Tulane University. She could combine colleges on music and colleges on the social implications of transgender people. I was taken aback. I had thought and hoped we would conquer the States together. I still had some far out plans in the back of my head. Of course I had nothing to say to New Orleans. It was the first city after Boston and New York that we visited. We both loved it with its special culture, the mix of Creole and Cajun societies, with its specific food. Most of all I loved the music of course that you met at every street corner in the city.
As I said before, talking a Westerloo girl out of something is illusory. She went, leaving me to the sin ridded morass that was New York. It was however clear too that New Orleans had a big reputation in the same direction.
A university study takes at least five years and I was not very pleased with the situation. But we had been separated already for almost a year and New Orleans was nearer than Amsterdam. On her first trip I accompanied her and helped her to search for an apartment. During that trip I learned to know the city better than had been possible during my fist visit.
I knew Boston from Eric and Mel and I had visited San Francisco during my first year in the USA. The town had an important place in the music community at that time. The Fillmore West was almost a sacred place for music lovers. To music executives it was a kind of Mecca and fairy tale land simultaneously. Here you could find talent in hordes. Now on second sight, New Orleans took me by storm. Especially the Mississippi became my all time favorite river. It sounds strange to say so but going to the river in the morning, after coffee and beignets at the Café Du Monde, is like stepping into another age and dimension.
This is the river that is sung about in the song Ol' Man River. This is the river that keeps on rollin' along. Standing on the banks looking over the span of water one can imagine the river as it must have been in the time that the song is about. Also how it will be when all that we know today lays behind and you know that he river will be still there and roll along.. To me this gave me a soothing certainty. I could sit there for a long time in the tradition of the Big Easy. Little did I know there and then how much I would need the soothing quality of this river in the not too far future. After this first visit I took on every opportunity to fly to New Orleans and we roamed this fabulous city together
In the beginning everything was OK. We learned to know the Gumbo Shoppe and what Etoufee and Jambalaya meant. We drank our Hurricanes with Dan O'Brian. We loved to shop at the spices market and after some time we were greeted personally by the stand holders. Her place was directly in the French Quarter. The apartment had no air conditioning but it was built in such a way, opening into a small inner court that it did not need such modern stuff. I also met her first friends. It was great to talk to students of music after years of being together only with people who made music their profession.
We also toured the bayous around the town and went to Iberville where the Tabasco comes from. Lafayettville is the Capital of Cajun and Zydeco music and in its own right as interesting as New Orleans. We feasted on the Cajun kitchen. I can tell you that there is a difference between town Cajun food and the plates they serve you right in the bayous. On the occasions I had business to do in Nashville, she flew into that city. She loved to just listen to the music in Opryland that still existed at that time. The same went for Memphis and Beale Street when we were there, because one my bands was in town. We usually dined on spare ribs and loads of beer in Charles Vergos's Rendez Vous Restaurant. After the food we walked the distance between the restaurant and Beale Street to listen to music. Mostly we stayed until the morning before going back to the Peabody Hotel.
After one of the Memphis visits we fulfilled an old dream. With a guide of Plantation Hotels in hand we drove down from Memphis to New Orleans. We visited the Civil War Memorial at Vicksburg and dined at Cock On The Walk in Natchez. But even more interesting than the beautiful plantation mansions we stayed in, were the music along this trail. WE drove in the secondary roads and halted at gas stations. Here we asked the ever present group of natives whether they knew Blues joints.
Without exception these people were impressed that there were people who could be interested in their music and we were taken to all kinds of joints where the blues was played. From old fashioned music halls to sheds and barn shacks. The music was not always up to professional standards but all of it had soul. Mostly Toni and I were sitting at the side and admiring the way these people lived the blues, the musicians as well as the audiences. Unfortunately we would never again repeat this journey.
We tried to be together in that period as much as possible, but when I started my next big move that would become the Vesna trilogy I did it on my own. Although consequently I was buried in work, my weekends were reserved for Toni.
Vesna was the story of an alien girl/priestess coming back to earth the save the society from the black powers of the universe. Upon arrival the first person she meets is a famous rock musician. He is driving through the Nevada dessert testing a new sports car and relaxing after a concert. When he meets the girl down in the dessert, he assumes that she is a drugged fan that has been dumped on the road. As he is strangely attracted to her, he takes her with him.
At that evening she cannot tell him anything about identity and or address because she is assumingly stoned out of her mind. Instead of throwing her out, he has her sleeping in his hotel suite .The next morning he finds out that there is still no communication possible. This starts the quest for the identity of the girl. Afterwards he and his band are a cover up for her when she continues on her mission. This plot gives much room for love, as she is of course beautiful and much music. The band tours the USA and Europe as well as parts of Africa and Asia.
I had developed this plot originally for a book in Holland with a colleague but after two chapters we discontinued to project. I however thought it would be an excellent plot for a movie. With the connections I now had in the world of entertainment, I could investigate whether someone was interested to make such a movie. The partner I found was one of the biggest in the field. The moment I had hooked him, we were in the process of preparing and consequently making the movie.
I did not want to take established stars for the films. Because of that, a lot of casting and searching for band members was necessary. I took great care to avoid every similarity with The Monkees of course. Although I state here that I always loved the Monkees from a musical point of view. I feel that in that regard, they have been grossly underrated. As a name for the band in the movie, as well as in real life we chose SOLARDRIVE. For the part of the girl I found Sharon who not surprisingly looked a little bit like Toni. When Simon, as the director, liked her too we had our cast basically together.
As soon as we started to work together regularly, Sharon told me that I could have everything from her. I asked her if the offer was based on the assumption that she had to show some gratitude, or whether she had fallen in love with me. She laughed out loudly and told me that I was known to be a good lover and she simply liked to fuck with people she liked. I was surprised that my occasional one night stands in film city had obviously already been part of the gossip circuit. I did not accept her offer. I did not want problems with the future sequences of Vesna., which was planned as a trilogy from the very beginning. The way she felt at that time might not be the way she would feel in the future.
But I did not need new, grateful and upcoming talent to have a full bed at night. It is unbelievable how many beautiful young women populate Los Angeles. Gaffers, casting assistants, hairdressers, wardrobe attendants and other assistants in all forms and for all purposes were on every movie set. We, of course, had our fair share of them. I was alone in LA and coming from the music business I had to rent a house. Of course I searched and found one in Laurel Canyon, where music was at home in LA at that time. And at the house there was an everlasting party. The people knew my professional credo: if you can party you also can be fresh and ready the next morning and that's the way it worked.
During my weekend visits to New Orleans I was always full of stories of my new environment. Maybe because of my enthusiasm about these new developments I did not notice that Toni slowly started to change. When I did it was probably too late, although I did not have a possibility to know that at that time. I confronted her with it during a dinner at the Court Of Two Sisters but she told me that everything was OK.
I, from my side, told her that it did not seem that way. I had noticed that she was not the happy go lucky woman anymore that she had been in Amsterdam. She tried to laugh that away. But when I told her that the sparkle had gone out of her eyes she got serious. She told me a story about her studies that were more complicated as she had thought. Especially the medical part got to her very much.
When I asked her how I could help, she said the words that cut through my heart like a knife. I could help her best by leaving her alone for some time. She must have seen that I was hurt by that remark but she stayed firm. She told me that I had had all the liberties that I wanted in the past and now it was her turn. I asked her whether her feelings for me had changed and she said no. Still she needed time for herself. After that she stood up and walked away. I was perplexed and shattered
TONI HAD WALKED AWAY ON ME.
The only thing I could do was to return to her apartment, take my luggage and check into the Sonesta Hotel. At the hotel bar I tried to order my thoughts with Whiskey. Had I lost her? Was she now paying me back for the free and easy lifestyle that I had practiced? What went wrong? What did it mean when she said that her feelings for me had not changed? There were so many questions and no answers.
The rest of the evening was spent like in a haze. That Sunday before flying back to LA was empty. Full of memories of another time and another place, in which I also was alone and thinking about her. But in that scenario I had been the one to walk away. This was one of those occasions that I went to the river and sat quietly for some time on a boulder. This time though it's tranquilizing power did not work very well.
So it was back for me to LA and Laurel Canyon. At first it was strange for me not to call her when I felt like it. I could not look forward to see her during the next weekend. But life went on. There was so much excitement that I soon tended to forget that I had a partner somewhere in the South.
That's how I met Paula and Sabrina. They were two girls from my set and I am not sure whether they still had hopes to get big in LA. Paula had freckles all over her face. Later I would find out that she had an almost perfect body with big boobs that stood alone and a hairless pussy that came straight from a picture book on perfect women. Sabrina was a typical American high school beauty with almost doll like features sporting still some baby fat. Still, later I got Paula some minor roles anyway. During the party I saw that they were more or less starting their lesbian love making at the couch of my living room. Having lost any inhibitions in the liquor they had drunk, I got to them and asked whether they could involve me in their planning for that night. Both of them giggled. They told me that a cute guy like me was always welcome.
Before I could ask more I was taken by the hand and led to my own bedroom. I was seated on the edge of the bed while they undressed each other and started some hot love making. In the past I would have jerked off on the spot. But I had grown up and this was LA in the early eighties. I was much more interested in what they were dong and the way they were doing it. I got some very interesting anatomy lessons on women there and then. After the educational part I was overwhelmed by two very horny hot girls. They got me out of my clothes in record time. While one was practicing some face sitting and almost suffocated me, the other did an expertise blow job. That night was a whirl of bodies with me in the middle. I sucked and was sucked, I drank cum of two different women and was so far gone that I didn't taste any difference.
The next morning which was a weekend both of them were gone. We repeated the experience when I was sober and after that we saw each other several times.
After two girls I got the notion that that could be topped by two she-males. LA is the center of the film industry, the serious one as well as the porno one. I also got invitations for parties by the producers of that other kind of movies. One I recognized as being a publisher of some of the magazines I had bought long ago in The Hague, so I accepted his invitation.
The party was not much different from mine, but for the women that were more scarcely dressed. Better said many of them were not dressed at all. After much liquor and some coke, I told Sam that I was there because I wanted to fuck two she males. It had to be two, not one and not three. He smiled understandably and said that in order to organize that we had to go somewhere else. Again Matt, very far gone, was in for everything and we left for a very special whorehouse. That night I could choose between ten she males. One was more beautiful than the other. With my drugged and alcohol infested brain I automatically looked for Toni. She was not among them of course and I chose two, compliments of the house and drove them home.
Two girls is one thing, two girls with dicks is another thing. The only way to fuck them is in the back and the two I had chosen were not tender lovers. I found that out instantly as they jerked me off in a wild way and with a kind of iron grip. Subsequently I was fucked in a way I had never experienced before. We went to all the routines: firstly two dicks in one mouth. The two dicks routine in the back involved also me. I never would have believed that I was capable to do that. A dick in the back and a dick in the mouth was very innocent compared to that. When they started to stretch me with for hands I thought that I was to be fucked by one of them. I got the confirmation when the one with the biggest dick invaded me. They had done a good job stretching me because I hardly felt the dick passing my star hole. When the pressure was increased however I realized what they were doing. I have to be honest. It turned me on so much that I came simultaneously with them, without me dick ever been touched
When I woke up the next morning I thanked heaven for it being Saturday. That meant that I could care for all the sore spots for two entire days. Of course I loved the experience. In spite of the knowledge that I needed indeed a whole weekend to care for my body I had to repeat it several times. But every time with some others, which was not so difficult. As I was known to be a producer I learned to know many of the porn stars, who loved to spend the nights with me.
Still there was no Toni amongst them and although all of them were also not as wild as the first ones I longed for Toni and the tender love we used to make. The wilder my bouts with transsexuals became, the more I missed her. But sex adventures were not the only reason for slowly losing contact with Toni. The making of Vesna also involved traveling for on location filming. I was in Holland, in Greece and somewhere in Turkey. These travels mostly meant that I was occupied from early in the morning to late at night. But my sporadic telephone calls were fruitless anyway, as she only kept them as short as possible. The times that she did not lift the receiver at all, slowly got into the majority.
The only time that I was able to talk to her I was informed rather matter of factly that she progressed very well with her studies and she also told me that she had found another she-male that she had befriended. Strangely enough no alarm went off at that information; it should however have screamed bloody murder.
To be continued. Your comments are eagerly awaited at: mailtomatt@ymail.com