This story is purely a work of fiction and therefore any resemblences to real people are not intented. The story contains sexual acts between women, if this type of content offends you or you are underage, please do not read it.
If there are any comments to be made you can reach me at the following address: Cameron9_24_81@hotmail
I didn't go home that night for a long time. I just drove around with the music low, barely noticable, while my mind went in circles. "How could I let that happen???" I haven't let myself get caught up in a woman for years now. But, suddenly, because she decides she wants to ram her tongue down my throat, "sure! Why not?!." The events of the evening were giving me a headache and there wasn't a pain reliever in the world big enough for inner termoil.
I walked into the house at three a.m. and sank into the big chair in my study. Even when I don't have a woman they're complicated and cause me problems. I suppose you're wondering why I'm "over-reacting" about this. Or why I'm having a problem with this at all, really? It's a long and complicated story. But I'll keep it brief because venting relaxes me.
As I've said. I've never had any luck with women. I always attracted malicious, egotistcal, selfish women. Such as Jules, whom moved in with me after three dates without me knowing it. She was a trip, let me tell you. I worked my ass of while she didn't even look for a job for a year. Even when my father was dying she did nothing to help out. She smoked a lot of pot, drank, and played video games.
Then came Sammi. We dated sparingly for eight months until one day I found that she not only cheated on me with her ex-girlfriend but she had gotten married one night and was pregnant with some man's baby. Needless to say, I was gone quicker than you can say yeast infection.
A few flings went on in between then until I met Sherry. Sherry had two children. Now, I've never dated a woman with children and let's face it. I like kids but I don't like that much. I had six months with this woman where she proceded to fuck with my mind, cheat on me numerously, while I was babysitting her children and she was suppose to be working, mind you. She pretty much moved in. And I spent more time with her children than she did. After a great struggle I finally got out of it with some semblance of sanity left.
i never loved any of these women. I knew it. I've only ever loved one woman. She was a beautiful Hispanic goddess. I knew I loved her because you feel it. I was so young when we got together. I think I was thirteen and she was eighteen. I would have done anything in the world to make her happy. There were so many problems with us, don't get me wrong. We fought constantly. But my feelings for her never weavered. I look back on it now and kick myself for my nievity and youth. I lied,as is the trouble of the young. I lied to look better in her eyes. And then, with all lies, they get uncovered. I never meant to hurt her, it wasn't intentional. And she had the temper on her that is only blessed to the latin heritage. She would call me at all hours of the morning raving because something was my fault. It was beautiful, every insult in rapid Spanish. Insults always sound better in languages you can't understand. But over the three plus years we were together everything came out. I loved her more than myself, yes. But, being the strong and independant woman she was, she ended it. At the time I was heart broken. I didn't understand. Love should conquer all, shouldn't it? She tried to remain friends with me, but I couldn't do it. And eventually we just stopped contact all together. It was only a few years ago that I realized how right she was. It had to be ended. I wasn't even eighteen yet and she was getting further and further into adulthood. She had different responsibilities and obligations to fill from mine. We couldn't have continued. I cringe now at how I was back then. The childish feelings, the temprement, the self indulgance. I think I've moved on a lot since then, my mind has matured. I still have a lot to learn though.
I still love her. To this day I love her. Only now, she holds a place in my heart. A place no one else can touch. Then, it was like my world collapsed. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function. I even graduated from school early so I wouldn't have to have contact with people. It took me six months to get over. But, I lived and still carry her with me with an essence of fond rememberance.
As I think back through all of this I slowly drift off to sleep with my cat Quinn in my lap and Anne Rice's Blackwood Farm in the background on the cd player.
...................
The next morning I drove over to Jen and Deb's. I needed to apologize for the following night and just be in the company of someone I cared for and respected. I knocked on the door and saw Jen through the glass. She raised an eyebrow at me and opened the door. Their Golden Retriever Saddie jumped and slobbered on me.
"So..." Jen says with a wondering tone "What happened last night?"
"Where's Deb?" I asked. Not really wanting to think about the previous evening.
"She's giving a lecture down at the hall. Now stop changing the subject. You ran out of here like Forrest Gump last night. Maybe even faster."
I sighed a heavy sigh and walked into their living room and sat down on the couch. Saddie, thinking she's a lap dog, fondly curls herself on my lap. Or attempts it anyways. "I..I really don't know what to tell you Jen."
Jen sits on the chair diagonal from me and stares at me. Not believing a word from my mouth. "Woman. I've known you for how many years now? I know you and there was something definetly wrong last night. I tried to talk to Caroline last night. She looked so confused and upset. She said she didn't know what happened. I know a kiss or something got passed between you two and then she said you just bolted like a deer in the headlights. So spill it or I shall nag you to death."
I roll my eyes at her and sigh heavily. "I don't know what happened. She's so perfect. In a woman she's everything I've ever hoped for. She's beautiful, funny, a good job, intelligent without being abnoxiously so, great fashion sense..."
"So then what's the problem???!" Jen says in a raised voice of exasperation.
"She's a woman."
"Well sweetie, being a lesbian I thought that's what you looked for."
"Stop being a smart ass." I said with a smirk. "You know what I mean. I've never really had a good experiance with a woman and this woman would have the power to make life very difficult for me. I mean, when she kissed me last night I exploded. I was out of my mind with want for her. I kind of blacked out. I got lost in her. All of her. I wanted to kiss every part of her. Touch her. Feel her. The perfume she was wearing was intoxicating and seemed to pull me in with the heat of her body. Then I came to my senses and realized I shouldn't be doing this. How can something feel so right and so wrong at the same time?"
Jen takes a sip of her tea and ponders this for a minute. Ponders me in general I think. I hate when she does this. It makes me nervous. My eyes stride over the living room and then I rest my elbows on my knees and put my fingers on my temples...massaging. Finally, she speakes.
"You know what I think? I think you're too afraid of someone getting close to you. That another woman will hurt you like your first."
"Yes, but..." I pipe up and she quickly silences me with a hand wave.
"I know you realize this. However, you don't realize the extent. You don't have to push everyone away. The women you've chosen after your first have all been horrid. None of them have been close to the kind of person you've wanted to be with. Unintentionally or not, you've been protecting yourself. On the surface yes, you've been with a lot of women. But underneath you've only been with one."
"You yourself said you thought Caroline was a woman-eater. To be with her seems like a bad choice if it chooses to be true." I said, with a little snap in my voice.
"I did say that because I think it is true. But not in the sense you take it. I said she was a woman-eater because when she see's someone she wants she goes after you like a lionness. I did not mean she goes after every attractive, available female. After she met you that night at the restaurant she grilled Deb and I about you. Subtly, but still grilled. So, as far as I can tell she only see's you. and judging from last night she has to feel horrible. You ran from her like a republican running from a sensible idea."
I gave her a small smile.
"I'm not saying fling yourself head first into anything. But, you need to give someone a chance. Atleast enough to see their character. I know you have a knack for looking at people and knowing who they are. And I know you didn't see anything to fear in Caroline but someone you liked on many different levels. And that, lovey, is what scared you."
I put my fingers under my chin and looked at her. "You know, I hate it when you're smug."
She smiles. "I know."
"I know I need to give people chances. But it would completely throw off my image of scorn and cynicism. Plus, there was one thing I never told you about...which adds to my reasoning of avoiding women like Typhoid Mary."
"Which would be?" Asked Jen curiously.
"Sherry, the last girl I was with...you remember me telling her about her cheating and such? Well, At one point she told me she was with someone who was HIV positive. So I had to go get tested. And let me tell you now, there is no pain or fear worse than that two weeks of waiting for your results. I kept thinking that if I were positive it was all from some woman I had no feelings for. You sit there day after day looking around you wondering how much longer you'll have to be in this shell, this life. All of the "what if's" playing around in your brain. Luckily enough, mine turned out negative. But, after that I took a vow of abstinence until I found someone who was worth the risk. And you guys wonder why I have a hard time liking people in general?"
"I'm sorry you had to go through that." Jen said. And I could tell she meant it and really tried to understand what I went through. "However, I really do want happiness for you. And while I love your cynisism and scorn on life views. There's this part of me that wishes you could find your other half in life. Maybe even someone to scoff at it with you." She takes another drink of her tea and looks at me intently."I need to run to the grocery store. So why don't you come with me and we'll discuss things further."
"Okay, my car or yours?"
"Your car. I feel like a bad ass riding in it. And you know, being a college counselor doesn't offer many occassions for that." She laughs and we grab our stuff and head out.
................................
Now I know what Jen had said made a lot of sense. But, I just can't bring myself to go to Caroline. I'm very shy, as I've told you, and after the scene I made, I just can't do it. So, here I am, four weeks later, in the same place I started. I've been cooped up in my study. Surrounded by my walls upon walls of books. Working on my papers like an eccentric hermit. I've been avoiding everyone lately. Caroline did call my cell a few times. Getting the number from Deb and Jen I pressume. But I ignored the calls and soon they stopped. It's just me and my books. I don't mind so much. I like to solitude. On the other hand I feel terrible about what I did to Caroline. She put herself out there and I ran away like a rabbit from a .22.
If I'm going to be completely honest with you, and to myself. I don't know what I want. I haven't for a long time. And to mask this fact from myself. I shut my mind off. So I try not to think about anything that's happened.
I hear my phone ringing, playing the delightful polyphonic of "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira. I flip it open.
"Hello"
"Sweetie Darling!" It's my first and favorite gay man, Tris.
"Hey homo, what are you doing?" I say vibrantly.
"Oh little bit of him, little bit of that. What are you doing next Saturday?"
"Honey, am I ever doing anything?"
He laughs. "Good point, hun. Anywho, I was wondering if you want to go with me and my new beu to the new play in town."
I ponder for a minute. That would mean I would have to be around a lot of people. I cringe at the thought. "What's playing?"
"Jesus Christ Superstar" He says with a tone that says "I know you want to." And yes, I do. He knows I love the musical.
"Alright, you win harlet. What time?"
I agree to meet him at the theatre at seven.
.......................................
I walked up to the outside of the theatre at 7:10. I went for student casual tonight. A dark blue Hollister t shirt with a pair of low rise, flair leg pair of khaki Dickies pants covered by a slim fitted black blazer, and ending with a pair of black, low top Converse All Stars. Ordinarily I would have preped it up a bit. But when going places with Tris I tend to dress down, yet fashionably. If that makes sense. I see Tris waving at me from the middle of the crowd. It's so like a gay man to pick the middle of anywhere. Center of Attention. I love this man. I have to proclaim it. He's gorgeous with his 5'10 slim frame, with long, wavy dark brown hair and brown eyes. He's in the same style of pants as me with a light blue button up shirt rolled to the elbows. He was standing next to an equally gorgeous man. I almost fell in love with him as well. He had the shaggy hair that's all so common with men these days in a violent shade of black with electric blue eyes. I assumed they were contacts. But they looked stunning. He was atired in a distressed pair of jeans and a light pink button shirt with a black blazer over it. After a few minutes of admiring one anothers clothes and me smoking a cigarette before the two hour event, it was time to go in.
I have to say that the cast for this version was fair for our little town. However, by the time Judas was singing in his Elvis-like seventies disco suit I had to get out and get some air. I walked out into the chilled night air and pulled out my menthols. I lit one up and sighed as the smoke filled my lungs and I exhailed. I walked back and forth for a bit, just taking in the world in general. I turned around and I saw her.
"Hi." was all Caroline muttered in a quiet voice.