Here is the fourth chapter of the second series of Turnabout. Of course, it will make very little sense unless you've read through the first series, all of which is on the Nifty Archive (to whom much thanks).
-Four-
Decision time. That's what it was. Decision time. This not knowing what to do had to stop right here. Right now. Just do it, David. Never mind that Nike will come after you for breach of trademark. Just do it.
These were the crazy thoughts that whirled through my head as I looked down at Josh stretched out full length on the floor, hands over his eyes, trying to block out--what? Me? His life? Debbie? I wasn't sure.
No, I wasn't sure about too much of anything right then, but I had to make a choice. I had to choose something to do, someone to love... which was more like it. Josh? Or Will? Either way, someone got hurt. And I got hurt either way, because how was I going to live with myself, having turned away someone's love? Rejected someone? "Dumped" someone?
Which is not what I really meant to do at all. But could you love two people at the same time? Could you share yourself out? Could you make two people think that they were the "one and only"? I didn't think so. Oh, FUCK!
Right here in front of me was someone who needed help. Needed it badly. He thought his life was a mess. Maybe he should try mine. Oh stop whining, David. Just DO SOMETHING!
"Josh," I said softly. He took his hands slowly away from his eyes, but made no other movement. "Come here, man," I went on.
He slowly sat up, keeping his eyes closed. As he got closer, I could see the moisture along the rim of each eyelash. I sat down on the floor and moved myself up alongside him from the opposite direction. Then I just put my arms around him.
With a gigantic sigh, his arms came around me and he molded himself against my chest, head over my shoulder and leaning up against mine. "David!" came chokingly out of him. When he did that, my heart just heaved in my chest. I could actually feel it turning over. I'd read about people feeling that and hadn't believed it until now. What was I feeling? Love?
Commit, David. Just commit. Just do something, anything. Ok, ok. Try this. Try telling Josh right now that you've made a choice, that you've got to leave him and go back to Will. Do it right now. Come on, right now! RIGHT NOW! DO IT!
"Josh..." I said, haltingly. "Josh..." I tried again. Ok, David, we've established who it is you want to talk to. NOW TELL HIM!
Josh pulled his head back to look at me. His eyes were open now, red-rimmed, tear-filled. He was so completely open. Nothing artificial. Nothing held back. There was nothing of command here, no force, no compulsion, no wanting. Just waiting. Just watching.
I sucked in another lungful of air. Ok, this is it. Now I tell him. It's decision time. Here goes. "Josh, I... I love you."
WHAT? Where had that come from? That wasn't what I wanted to say at all! Or... was it?
Josh didn't say anything by way of response. All he did was take one hand, reach up, and stroke my cheek with his thumb. I reached up, put my hand over his, and moved it so that it covered my mouth where I kissed his palm softly. When I did, a groan broke from him. That groan spoke of all the longing, all the misery, all the confusion that had been building in him for so long now. So much needed to be said, to be explained, to be gone through. But all that could wait for a while. There were other, much more elemental things to be done now.
I continued to plant soft kisses on the palm of Josh's hand. The decision had been made, and I felt revitalized, clear and focused in my mind. I put all the strength of my choice into those kisses. Not that I went nuts with passion--not at all. It seemed as though tenderness and love were what had been strengthened. I moved to his wrist, and my lips felt the strong pulses of Josh's heart. I held my lips right over the spot where the beats were strongest, as though I wanted to drink his very life force. 'That heart is beating for me' was the thought that went through my mind.
Josh pushed his hand through to join the other one behind me, and crushed me against him, chest to chest. Again, no kiss. Our heads were pressed together side to side, on each other's shoulder. Our arms tightened, tightened, and tightened still more. It was as though we each wanted to pull the other completely into him, to become one. We swayed slightly from side to side, as though we were slow dancing or something. But we were still sitting on the floor.
I can't even tell you how long we sat that way, gripped in each other's arms. But a lot was happening. We were binding ourselves one to the other, telling each other things without speaking a word. And then it was done. Our arms fell away from each other as if by common consent. We leaned back on arms stretched out behind us, and just looked at each other. I could feel the smile I saw on Josh's face forming on my own.
Josh was the first to speak. "You know, after that incident with Debbie, I thought long and hard. What she did to me that night really revolted me. And I don't just mean that I wasn't ready to have some girl I actually didn't like a whole lot mauling me. I mean it fundamentally sickened me to be touched like that. And I had to ask myself some hard questions. I knew it wasn't just the idea of Debbie doing that. It didn't take me long to realize it was the idea of any girl doing that. Of me touching any girl the way Debbie made me touch her. So was I queer?"
He fell silent. I thought. And I asked, "When did you come to a conclusion?"
"Not for a long time. I tried to sublimate it. Just went on with other things. Dad was dropping hints, and when I didn't respond, or when I changed the subject, I could tell he wasn't pleased. He started pushing harder, trying to find out if there was something going on. I think Mom started to notice. She must have talked to him, because then all of a sudden that stopped. It was just back to the usual stuff about me "keeping up my position" and the rest of that crap."
He stopped again, a thoughtful look on his face, then resumed. "You know, I wouldn't be at all surprised if Mom suspects."
"Suspects...?"
"Suspects that I'm actually gay. A couple of things she's said since you first came over..." He trailed off.
I thought back to the way his mother had been, the things she'd said, when I turned up earlier in the afternoon. "You know, I think you could be right. She was awfully glad to see me when I showed up here today. And she said something about how much you'd changed since I first came over here Sunday."
"Yeah. You did have an effect." He smiled more broadly at me, then reached out and stroked my cheek again. There was that heart-heave again. Maybe I'd got it right after all. He went back to thinking again. I didn't have any more to contribute, so I just sat in silence. Then, he surprised me totally. "We have to go find Will."
"Huh?" I exclaimed. This was completely from left field. "What do you mean?"
"David, it's obvious that you've been like completely torn up over this whole thing. Between me and Will, to put it bluntly. You say you've been talking to him again. Obviously, it must have been going a lot better than the last couple of times I know about if he actually drove you up here today. Have you forgotten you just told me you love me?"
"No. I haven't forgotten it." I stopped, thought, and then said, "Actually, I feel like saying it again. Josh, I really love you."
The feeling that flooded me as soon as the words were out almost knocked me to the floor. I actually swayed where I sat, even though both my arms were stretched behind me, bracing me as I sat there. Josh quickly scooted forward and grabbed me. My arms were around him in a flash, squeezing him hard. My lips found his and my tongue demanded entrance. His mouth opened and the temperature soared up into the hundred-degree range. We both moaned into each other at the same time.
Josh pulled away. We sat there, panting slightly, pulling ourselves back together. He said, "This is why we have to find Will. We have to tell him what's going on. We have to give him a chance to deal with it before he sees it for himself."
"Yeah. You're right. He's actually been totally different than I thought he was those times you know about. He says he acted the way he did because he was scared of losing me. Well, I guess now he actually has. You're right," I repeated. "We have to go find him."
"Right. Let's do it." Josh glanced at his watch. "Five o'clock. Know where he'll be?"
"Knowing him, he's probably at home. He's not the kind that hangs around a whole lot with other people. He just likes to be by himself. He's likely in his room on the computer."
"Ok. We'll go by his place and see."
We got into our jackets and Josh grabbed his car keys. On the way out we encountered Mrs. Barrett crossing the main hall. "Oh, Josh!" she exclaimed.
"Everything's ok, mom," he said. She came over to him and hugged him. He hugged her back, and they stayed in each other's arms for a long moment. Then she pulled back and took his face in her two hands, looking into his eyes. What she saw must have convinced her. She leaned forward and kissed Josh on the forehead. He smiled at her.
"Are you boys headed out?" she asked him.
"Yeah, we have to go see if we can find a friend of David's."
"All right. How about the two of you coming back for supper around 6:30? That is, if your parents don't mind, David."
"They're away until sometime tomorrow, Mrs. Barrett," I answered. "So it will be ok. Thanks a lot!"
We went out and jumped into the Trans Am. Josh fired it up and actually spun out a little pulling away from the house. "Feeling better, are we?" I said, teasing him.
"You got that right, babe!" And he gave it more proof when, after stopping to open the gates, he laid out a good squawk as he moved through onto the street.
"You're such a show-off!" I complained. "You think having my neck snapped every time I'm in this car is a pleasure?"
"Ah, I just want to keep you alert and aware, bud. Can't have you falling asleep on me."
"The way you drive, there's no chance I'm gonna fall asleep! And if I spend much more time in this death trap, I'm gonna insist on dual controls."
Josh laughed, and this time it was the Josh-laugh from back on Sunday night, full, clear, and rich. He reached over, grabbed my hand, and gave it a squeeze. Then he set to work getting us to Will's.
I gulped when we pulled up in front of the house. It was one thing to say that we had to tell Will what was going on. It was a totally different thing to actually go ahead and do it. I looked over at Josh, who had just shut the beast down. He looked back at me, then reached out and took my hand once more.
"We're together now, babe," he said, reading my worries with his usual accuracy. "We can get through this because we're going to do it together."
"Right," I said, and letting go of his hand undid my seatbelt and got out of the car. I joined Josh on the walk leading up to Will's front door. I took the lead and moved up the steps and stood with my thumb hovering over the bell button. I took a breath and leaned on the button. Almost instantly I heard the thump of Will's feet coming down the stairs.
"Oh man," I breathed. And Josh's hand came up behind me and rubbed up and down my back. The door opened, and Will was before us. He visibly jerked back when he saw the two of us standing there. He tried valiantly to recover.
"Hey, David," he said very quietly, with an obvious gulp. He looked at Josh, but couldn't bring himself to say anything to him.
"Will, man, can we talk?" I asked. Saying nothing, Will stepped aside and the Josh and I moved in. Will started up the stairs. I followed him. Josh followed me. No one spoke. When we got to Will's room, he ushered the two of us in and followed behind, closing the door. Josh and I sat side by side on Will's bed, Will taking his seat on the chair at his desk.
"Will..." I had to stop and clear my throat. "Will, I've... we've got to talk to you."
Will broke in. "By 'we' you mean you and Josh, right?" The emphasis he gave that indicated that he'd already figured out just what 'we' really meant.
"Yeah. Josh and me." I couldn't help laying some emphasis on 'Josh'.
"Well that's it, then. What's left to be said?"
Josh sat quietly, letting me take the lead. "There's a whole lot left to be said, Will. This isn't just about making a choice and saying, 'Well that's it' without another thought. There's still you."
"Oh, yeah. There's still me." Will couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice.
"Yeah, that's it, Will. I'm betraying you. I'm dumping you. I'm throwing you out for someone better."
The color drained from Will's face. "Well, I'm glad you realize it!" he snapped. "Jesus, David! After what I've done for you..."
"Will! Hold it right there! This is exactly what we were talking about on the way over to Josh's! Don't you see? I'm supposed to be grateful for what you've done? Well, yeah, I am. I told you that. Does it mean that I'm supposed to love you, obliged to love you, because you tell me that you love me? No, I wasn't honest with you right from the moment this thing with Josh started. I was so confused I didn't know what to do. But I have been totally up front with you since yesterday. And I told you today that I was going to try my damnedest to get this sorted out. You told me that you wanted the same thing, whichever way it went. Well, I'm here to tell you I did get it sorted out. In fact, it was Josh who said it first, that we had to find you and tell you."
Will looked over at Josh for the first time since we'd sat down. "You said that?"
Josh looked back at Will, completely calm, almost sorrowful. "Yeah, Will, I did. I know this is hurting you, and I'm sorry for that. Very sorry. But it would have hurt a whole lot worse if we'd just ignored you and let you see it for yourself. Neither of us wanted to do that."
"Look Will," I went on. "This has got nothing to do with Josh being 'better' than you, 'hunkier' than you, or smarter, or funnier, or anything else that we could use to compare the two of you. He's Josh. You're Will. I..." I choked up again and cleared my throat harshly. "Look, Will. You and I have had sex. Josh and I haven't. And that still doesn't have anything to do with it. It's... Josh needs me."
As if to signal the truth of that last statement, Josh reached over and took my hand. I let him keep it. Will said, in a broken voice, "And... and I don't?" Tears were forming in his eyes.
"No, I don't think you do. You called me the strong one, and yet you don't recognize your own strength. You're the one who, single-handed, brought me out of my shell, made me realize what love was or could be... You're the one who actually made me capable of loving Josh."
Will gulped at that, but a thoughtful look came over his face. Josh squeezed my hand, as though to tell me I was doing great. I squeezed it back and went on. "Will, man, with all of that going for you, there's no way you need to stay alone. You can find someone. And in the meantime, you've got friends in me and Josh."
Will's face was a study in contrasts. I could see him struggling with the news of his final loss, struggling to understand my belief in his strength, struggling to bring himself to believe that he wasn't totally alone and helpless.
Josh spoke again. "Will, man, you may think this is total shit, but I'm telling you that I know exactly what you're going through. In spite of what you think about how 'popular' I am," Josh said, investing the word 'popular' with great sarcasm and bitterness, "I've been just as alone as you've been. And what David did for me is exactly what you did for him. And I can tell you, because I've seen it for myself, just how much David cares for you and how much this decision has cost him."
Will was starting to relax a little, but not much. I still had a tight hold on Josh's hand, and I squeezed even harder. He got the message. "Look, Will, this is a whole heap of stuff to try to take in all at once. We'll leave you for now. But we're still friends, right?" Josh said this last quite forcefully, looking directly into Will's face. He reached past Will, grabbed a pad of paper and a pen off his desk, and scribbled quickly. "Look, Will. You can call either one of us at any time. You already know David's number. Here's mine. Whenever you want to talk, get together, anything."
He threw the pad and pen back on the desk. I stood up and put my hand on Will's shoulder. "Will, we're not going to leave you by yourself. We're here for you. I want to keep on being friends, and Josh wants to become a friend. Believe it."
Will sat staring at the floor. Now he just seemed bewildered by what had happened, what had been said. He looked up at us. "Oh, man. I... I don't know about any of this. I... I've got to try to get this sorted out."
"You do that. Try real hard. Believe every word we've said to you," Josh urged him. "Cause it's all true."
With that, we left the room, headed down the stairs, and left the house. Neither of us said a word until we were back in the car and moving away. "Oh, God, that was hard!" burst from me. Josh reached over and took my hand, not letting go even when he shifted. He didn't say anything. All he did was keep holding my hand. One of the many things I was coming to love about Josh was his ability to say what he wanted to say without speaking.
"You mind if we stop at the mall for a minute?" he asked. "I want to get mom something. Sort of make it up to her for what I've put her through this last little bit."
"If you're going to do that, I should get her something too. After all, I'm the one that caused all the trouble in the first place."
"Hey, enough of that! Next thing you know, you're going to start blaming yourself for my driving!"
"No way! Even doing my worst, I could never be responsible for something as bad as that!" And then we were laughing, as relaxed as two guys could possibly be.
The mall was pretty quiet, as it was still early in the week. Josh and I wandered around a bit. He didn't exactly know what it was he was looking for and so we just window shopped. I tried to think of something to help him out, but my head wouldn't cooperate. All I really wanted to do was walk along with him, holding his hand. Of course I couldn't, but I used every opportunity presented by his sudden changes of direction to bump into him and brush my hand against his. He would glance over at me and smile every time I did this, showing that he understood exactly what I was doing. He did it to me too, and I would respond in the same way.
Love is a grand thing, once you understand it and accept it. What is it? I still don't know. I almost think you just have to believe that you do love someone (let the word be what it will) and let it take you wherever it is that you feel you want to go. And if the other person feels the same way, well... the feeling is just amplified. I felt right then that Josh and I had started to move in sympathy with each other already. It was like we didn't have to say one word to each other. I knew the instant he moved away from me further than arm's length even if I wasn't looking at him.
We finally wandered into a store selling reproduction furniture that you put together yourself. Josh's eye was caught by the various knick-knack thingies that people use as--what do you call it--accent pieces or whatever. We stood looking at various pictures, candlesticks, that sort of thing. Josh all of a sudden spotted a porcelain statue of a dog, some kind of retriever or something. It looked really nice, with all of the detailing done to perfection. It had nothing of the shiny artificial look that so many of those things do.
"Mom really likes dogs. Ours died last year, and she hasn't had the heart to get a new one yet. Maybe she'd like this. Do you think?"
"Well, it's kind of hard for me to know, but I think in the circumstances she'd even like a pet rock if it came from you."
Josh looked at me. "Thanks," he said softly, and his eyes glowed.
We moved to the cash desk and the clerk rang up the purchase. I sort of gulped when the figures came up on the readout. The figurine must have been good, at that price. Josh didn't even flinch. He handed over a credit card, and the deed was done.
We moved out into the mall again, just sauntering along. It was still a while before we needed to be back for dinner. We stopped every once in a while, still playing our bumping game, and looked into various windows. As we were gazing into the display at a sports store, a voice behind us said, "Well, well, well!"
We both turned around. And there stood Debbie Harkins.