CHAPTER FIVE
I woke up that morning to Matt snoring. Man, could he ever saw some logs, but it was kinda cute. The way he looked at that moment, his arm still somewhat draped around me, he looks so comfortable, so at one with himself. It got me thinking. What if my decision is to leave him. I can't put him through that pain. Then panic started to set in. "What the hell am I going to do? I am damned if I do, and I am damned if I don't. I really wish I didn't have to make a decision, but the longer I put it off, the harder it will be." I thought to myself. Well, being here isn't going to help me and with that, I got dressed really quietly, grabbed a couple of my books and left.
Again, it is difficult to imagine, but I was running away from my own room. It was the second time in the last little bit that my room was not a safe haven. Then I remembered that I had some mid-terms this week, and since Matt was in my room, and I surely did not know how to deal with that, so I went to the library to at least try to control something in my life, which was my schoolwork. Let me tell you something, I absolutely hate the library. It is like a blood sucking vortex where you go in normal, but come out a zombie. I decided that there was not other place to go, so I went there. I thought if there was one place on campus or in this town even that I could get my mind off Matt and tried to study, YAY Procrastination, it would be the library.
I spent several hours, hitting the books, which I probably only got about an hour's worth of actual studying done, the rest was contemplating what to do with my current predicament. After two hours of trying to study, I decided , as I am quite anal-retentive, to make a pro-con list. I thought it was the most practical thing to do at the time.
Surprisingly, the con list of being with Matt was the easiest thing to do. I started there. I came up with: The fact that my family, my roots, would not approve. They may not outright disown me, but I knew it would probably strain the relationship beyond no end. This one had bothered me a lot, because had spent most of my entire life looking for their approval, getting their love with whatever endeavour I took. Their support for everything, even the act they were willing to put a second mortgage on their house, so I would finish university debt-free (I reclined this offer and took a student loan.) Everything with Matt may not last, and he may end up hurting me. Then all this suffering and choice with consequences would be for nothing and I would end up alone. It was all happening too quick, and wasn't sure if this was the real thing. There are some very small minded people in this world. Some of them so small minded that Matt or I could get serious hurt or killed because we're together. I can't change people's perceptions on this topic, and am not sure I am strong enough to take them on The con list went on and on. Then the pro list came. It was really short, and very difficult to come up with more than one substantial pro. With both in mind, I kept working on it for an hour and knew what I had to do. I had to go talk to Matt.
When I made it back to my dorm room, Matt was not there. I was a little surprised by this, but I heard music coming from the room next door. I decided now would be the perfect time to tell him my decision. I went through the bog to his room, and knock. He knew it was me and came over to greet me. He leaned over to kiss me, but I told him he had to wait until I finished what I came over to tell him. I had mentioned the whole day's events and told him about the pro and con list. I showed him the size of both lists and that the con was much bigger than the pro, and a really scared, sad look came across his face. As he read down the con list, I swear, small tears were building at the corner of his eyes. Then he read the pro list and I smiled. He read "I love you." and he knew what my decision was.
"Matt, as I was writing down all of those cons, I thought about you, and if you were meant for me for the long haul, you would help my conquer these cons and turn them to pros, or help me deal with the heartache of them. Matt, I realised, probably for the first time in my life that I could go on pretending, leave, but this situation would probably come up again. I can't deny myself something I will regret, so that's why this one pro outweighs all the cons. With you by my side, I will never lose any piece of me, but I will feel more complete. Matt, I love you too."
Matt was speechless. He really could not say anything. I didn't need words and he could sense that. All I needed was him, and with that he kissed me.