"Matt, what are you..."
"What are you doing Jared? Leaving? Are you doing this because of me?"
I was quite annoyed at that comment. Am I leaving because of you, I mean how big of an ego does this guy have? I mean in a way, it was due to him, but how could he just come out and say that.
"No Matt, it's not because of you, I am leaving because of me. Certainly, our parting ways has left me in a bad place, but Matt, I really do not feel like I belong here. I have been beaten, tormented, yelled out and now I seem to be some freak with the students here. I thought university was supposed to be filled with enlightened people. Sadly, it's just like an extended version of high school. No wait, I enjoyed High school, but you know what I mean."
Then I looked at his face. The desperation that was there, I had never seen on this guy's face before. He's always been so confident, almost cocky even, but this low profile was all that he could probably muster at the time.
"Why didn't you talk to me first about this? I know we aren't on the best of terms, but Jared you know I care about you, and I know you care about me. I guess I just assumed everything was going to be okay, and eventually we'd get back together."
"What!!! Discuss this with you. I don't know if you had noticed Matt, but this decision was mine and mine alone to make. I am quite capable of making my own personal decisions! How dare you think that I should run this by you?"
"That's not what I meant. I mean, had I known that it was so bad for you that you were leaving school, I would of..."
`Would of what..., talked to your football buddies and had them take it easy on the fag boy. (I then went over to take a swig of the whiskey on my counter) or wait, you would of convinced me to suffer through this abuse and we start seeing each other secretly, or even better yet, you'd come out, and then everyone thinks I CORRUPTED YOU! What were you going to do? (I took another swig)
"Take it easy on that stuff eh? (I defiantly took another thing, thank god when I learn about mixing it with coke.)"
"Fuck You"
"Jared, I am so so sorry about what happened. I mean, if I could take back what happened and do it again, I wouldn't have left you alone to face those things. I suck I know, but the thought of you leaving school, the province and the time zone scares me beyond end. (A single tear is falling down his cheek.) I love you so much..."
"Do you really, really love me Matt? (Just as he was about to speak)Wait, No I really want you take a moment and really think about the answer to my question. I want the truth, more truth than you've ever given anyone before."
"Jared, see I really don't have to take any time. I know how I feel, it's in my heart. I do love you!"
"You keep saying that, but how am I supposed to believe that. Matt, you hardly know anything about me. Had you did, you know that I have a very difficult time trusting people, and by golly Matt, I trusted you. More than I have ever trusted anyone in my entire life (as I walk over to look out the window), and look where it got me. Do you remember that day we met in the quad as I was coming out of the clinic?"
"Kinda, Vaguely."
"Well, do you know why I was there?"
He shook his head no
"Well, sadly, the doctors say I had a minor nervous breakdown. The overload of the break-up, the fight, the school itself, the abuse, and the depression, built up and exploded. (A shocked look out of his mouth.)
" That doesn't surprise me that much." Matt said in resignment.
"What! (The look of shock must have been funny if some outsider just walked by my window."
"I heard you cry and cry for nights upon end. I mean these walls are paper thin. I don't know if you had noticed but I stayed away from the room due to this. Every time I hear you cry or yell, or even you moving about in your room, I would start tearing up."
I stood there in silence.
"Jared, I hate myself even more now. I mean I was very really slimy of the way I treated you, but this takes the cake."
"Poor you, but sadly this really isn't about you." The claws were out and sharpened.
Then Matt started to chuckle
"What's so funny?"
"I just remembered something that I left in my room."
"Oh, don't let me keep you."
"Oh you're not, do you want to see what I am laughing at." Talk about being random. We are here in the middle of a fierce conversation and he wants to show me something funny in his room.
"No, I thought we were having a discussion, but I guess we were through?"
"No please come see."
"Fine."
I scoffed and went through the bog and walked into Matt's room and I couldn't believe my eyes. His room, was just like it was that special night we had. The candles, the tuxedo lying on his made bed, the Vivaldi case in the CD player waiting to be played, the table with the flowers in the beer bottle, the whole enchilada.
"You see Jared; I had all intentions of apologizing and doing whatever I could to make it up to you, to get us back together. I know I hurt you but, I couldn't stand not being with you, seeing the hurt look on your face and knowing it was me who put it there. But before I could get to it, I find out tonight you are leaving and the feeling I got from that, was the worst feeling I could even imagine feeling, and it's true."
I am speechless at what he did. Does it excuse the events that occurred? No, but it makes me see why I am in the love with guy. "Matt, I can't believe this. It's beautiful." I walked over and kissed him softly. Then reality came back and hit, as he was kissing me back. I am leaving. I stepped back and another sad tear came from my eye. And I thought I was all cried out.
"Why are you crying Jared? Everything is going to be ok. You'll see. We'll get things calmed down before you know it. You know like damage control."
"What are you talking about? There is no damage control. I am leaving Matt. Just because this kiss and this beautiful room is here, and making me have doubts of my decision. The timing is too late."
"What do you mean it is too late? It can't be. What the fuck are you talking about?" There's the desperation again.
"My scholarship is gone. I had to cancel it when I had to transfer my papers out east. I am not a registered student here in January. I am registered out east now. The money is in, an I can't afford to do anything about it. My refund now would only be 50% and this school costs so much more."
"Well what if I give you the money. I know that you may not have an abundance of money, but see I do. "
"Well, Matt, even if my pride didn't prevent me to take the money. I knew when I sent the papers of transfer, there could be no reconsidering. The university administration made that quite clear. They're probably quite happy to get rid of me, after getting one of the board of director's kids suspended... You remember your old football buddy?"
"FUCK! This can't be the end?"
"Well, I know, but what other option is there, I can't not just stick around the area working with one semester in. Just imagine the job I would get."
" I could never ask you to do that. Well, what if I came with you?
"Matt, the same situation would apply. You would be in a small Atlantic Canadian town, doing some minimum wage job, when you should be in school as well. I can't ask you to do that."
"Your not asking though. The thought of losing you is like the thought of hell on earth. If you leave, I won't be able to do schooling and stuff here just thinking about the pain I caused you here."
"Matt, you can't pin this on me. Saying if we go our separate our lives, you will not be able to function properly, but if you come, maybe regretting it in the future and resenting me as well"
"Why does this have to be so hard.."
"I don't know, but Matt, there is one thing I need you to know. You are special to me. I think you could of been my soul mate, the one I was destined to meet and spend my life with..."
"could have been.. Jared, you are mine, and if you think you are getting rid of me that easy you can think again. We may have broke up once, but your with me forever."
"But Matt.."
"You think too much Jared" And with that, he pulled me into a passionate kiss.
Author's Note:
Hey Guys,
I think this is where the factual nature of this story is going to end, and where the ficton of this story begins. I have more writing abilities to give these characters. There is a different story I want to tell, and not just the truth of the situation. It would be quite easy to tell you all the true ending, where we did go our separate ways, and I still think it was the best decision I ever made. No regrets on my part. I Know it may sound weird as I am writing this as a form of closure, but honestly, without this prt of my past, I would of never experienced everything else that I did. Matt is doing fine, I guess, He's married (yes to a woman) weird eh? Do I think its going to last. Hell no, but I am glad that I didn't wait for him to turn straight on me. We stll talk, but even though he was my first love, I know that there is a stronger love out there. I loved him, but I am not sure if I was love in him,
SO with that, I feel that I could have some fun with Matt and Jared as fictional characters. However, I am not too sure if I should. Let me know....
One more thing. I just heard this sng, which I paid for on iTunes and its well worth it. I hadn't heard it on the Radio or MTV so i am not sure how big it is, but I am going to give a big props to Symphonic by Emm Gryner.