Two Worlds Collide, Part Four: All Must Part, to Meet Again
The usual disclaimer applies, as always. If you under 18 (or whatever the legal age in your area is to view sexually explicit material), or if homo- sexual material offends you, then you should not be here. This story is a work of fiction, and should not be taken to imply that any of the Backstreet Boys, or any other celebrity mentioned, is gay, bisexual, a lesbian, or just about anything. But hey, we can all dream, right? The author welcomes all comments, both positive and negative, at MaskAndMirror@hotmail.com -OR- IWalkAlone01@yahoo.com. Feel free to contact me with suggestions, praise or criticism - otherwise, how will I grow as a writer? Anyway, on with the tale.
=== Part 1 - The Walk ===
Brian and Gavin left the restaurant with the other four Backstreet Boys, but waited until the club-goers had piled into a car and vanished into the dis- tance before actually moving along the storefronts. They walked in silence for a long time, neither one really sure where to begin. Even the usually cool-headed Gavin was frowning thoughtfully. What exactly was Brian up to? Did he simply want to talk about what had nearly happened in the hospital? Or was there something else - could Brian be interested in going further than their near-kiss? 'That's impossible,' Gavin thought bitterly. 'I'm nowhere near the calibur of Brian. Not even close.'
He was startled out of his reverie by Brian's voice close to his ear.
"...to talk about it, but if you don't want to..." Brian was saying.
"What? Sorry, Brian... I tend to wander off to my own little world sometimes."
"I said, we need to talk about what happened back there."
"In the hospital room?"
"Right. I... I want to apologize for it."
"Apologize?!" Gavin said, his voice raising several pitches. Calming himself mentally, he continued. "Why would you want to apologize? Nothing happened. And even if it had, it wouldn't have been anything we didn't want."
Brian sighed, and shook his head. This wasn't going to be easy to say - it never was. And he had a feeling that Gavin was going to take it harder than most. "That's not completely true."
"Oh?" Gavin paused in mid-step, turning his head to look at Brian calmly. His green eyes gave away nothing - not even the slightest hint of hurt in them. It had taken him years to develop that perfect emotionless gaze. He certainly wasn't about to break it now.
"Yeah... See, I... I'm sort of gay, and..." Brian started, but was interrupted by Gavin.
"'Sort of gay'? How exactly do you manage that?"
Brian was flustered for a minute. Couldn't the damn guy just shut up for a minute? This was hard enough as it is. "Please let me finish, Gavin. This isn't easy for me to say."
"Fine, fine," Gavin mumbled, going back to watching Brian with that intense, hard gaze.
Brian sighed, and went on. "It's just that... Everytime I meet someone that I like - even just a little bit - we end up having a couple wild nights...a good lay, I guess, but then the tour comes up, and I have to go. I... I hate doing that to people. It's... it's against everything I believe in." Brian was on the edge of tears now. This was supposed to get easier, wasn't it? Wasn't he supposed to get numb to the pain by now? But he went on, determined to get through this. "Don't you understand? If I fall for you - for anyone! - we'll only both end up hurt. I can't... I can't let that happen. Not again."
Gavin continued watching with that calm gaze. Not a hint of anything slipped past him. No sadness, no anger, no burning desire to take Brian far away from all of it. Nothing. He was steel personified. Brian noticed it, and took it for fury. The Backstreet Boy sighed, turned on his heel, and went to walk away, back to the res- taurant, back to the car, back to the hotel, back to his otherwise normal life. He was surprised when he felt an iron grip on his arm.
"Don't go," Gavin said, in the softest tone Brian believed he had ever heard. "Stay here... with me. For a little while?" It was a tone that wasn't sure if it wanted to be a command or a request.
Brian stood there dumbly for a moment. On the one hand, he knew that if he stayed, they would both be hurting by tomorrow. But if he left... he would spare himself, but still be hurting Gavin. It was a lose-lose situation for Brian's newfound friend. Why did Gavin still want to be near him, then?
"Why?" Brian asked, shoulders falling in defeat.
"Because," Gavin said, voice regaining some of the confidence that had been there before. "You may think I just want a roll in the hay with you, right? After all, who wouldn't want to say they'd been boffed by one of the Backstreet Boys?" Brian couldn't help but smile at that. Gavin didn't seem to notice, and went on. "But there's more to it. Yes, I find you incredibly attractive. Yes, I would love to have sex with you. But that isn't all there is to this - to me. To my feelings toward you. You are one of the most fascinating people I've met, Mr. Brian Littrell. You have... I can't even put it into words. Something about you, Brian, pulls me in every direction at once. I want you, but at the same time, I know that what we might have isn't possible. I mean, look at you." For emphasis, Gavin motioned up and down Brian's well-toned body. "And then, look at me. We're two worlds apart. In more ways than one," Gavin finished mysteriously. But those eyes never gave away anything. Not even a glimmer.
Brian sighed, and felt his mind shake. This was too much - too much! He couldn't handle anyone else falling in love with him, only to have them be hurt the next day. He wanted to run away, fast and far. But at the same time, he wanted to stay. He loved his work, loved bringing smiles and tears to the eyes of his fans. Loved making music, loved throwing himself into his art night after night. Even on those nights when he wanted to just stay in bed and curl up beneath the covers, he was thankful for the gifts he had. But he wondered, sometimes, if those gifts didn't have a cost.
"'For what doth it profit a man if he gain the whole world, but loses his own soul?'" Gavin said, brining Brian back to reality.
"What?" Brian asked, a bit foggily.
"You were saying something about wondering if your career was worth the cost."
"I was?" Brian hadn't realized he'd spoken anything out loud. "Oh."
"If you fall in love with someone, why not just bring them with you?"
"On tour?"
"Yeah."
"I couldn't just ask someone to uproot his whole life and follow me into who knows what!"
"Why not?"
"Well..." Brian started, flustered again. "Because we have an image.. And that sort of thing wouldn't stay a secret from the press for long."
Gavin nodded, and looked for all the world as if he'd eaten a bug. "So you sacrifice your own happiness, any chance for real love, just because you're afraid?"
"What? No! There's... there's so much more to it than that! You don't get it. You couldn't possibly understand. You don't know what it's like to be me - to be us. To have our 'fans' screaming out names at our... the guys'...girlfriends. It's... it's painful. And if I were outed? The fans... The guys... we'd be finished. I'm sacrificing this little bit for them. We all give what we can." Brian was defensive now, and didn't realize that his hands were waving about wildy as he tried to explain himself to Gavin.
Gavin. The implacable Gavin. Not a smile, not a tear. Brian wondered if the man was entirely human. It didn't seem possible for a person to be so cold...so very, very cold. And so it was much to Brian's surprise when Gavin's arms suddenly wrapped around his waist and drew Brian close.
"Wh...what are you doing?" Brian asked, eyes going wide.
"Nothing that we don't both want."
"We shouldn't."
"Probably not," Gavin agreed.
"It's not right."
"Who cares?"
"God."
"Then let Him strike us dead right now." Gavin waited a moment for effect. When nothing happened, he brushed Brian's cheek with his lips. Despite the cold attitude, Gavin's lips were warm - no, they were hot. Brian gasped slightly at how hot they were. He stopped gasping when Gavin's lips covered his.
Brian was suddenly struck with pangs of guilt. He pushed away from Gavin, shaking his head quickly. "No! I won't do this to you. I won't let you do this to me. It's... just not fair."
Gavin sighed, and nodded. "You're right. It isn't. It's terribly unfair."
Brian had the oddest feeling that the two were referring to very opposite things.
== Part 2 - Forsaken ==
Brian and Gavin continued to walk, despite the events of only a few minutes before. Neither one said much, once again lapsing into that uncomfortable silence that inevitably follows an unexpected kiss. Each was lost in their own little world.
Brian was on the verge of despair. He wanted to run back to the hotel, curl up under the covers, and cry until he ran out of tears. It was never easy. Life was unfair - unkind to him. He sometimes wondered if God were punishing him for being gay. It seemed like the only right reason for this much suffering. But it just didn't fit into Brian's image of God. So there had to be another reason. Maybe Gavin was right. Maybe it was completely unreasonable for Brian to give up his shot at love and happiness for the sake of the group. But then, where would he be without them? He owed them that much, right? He wondered, though, if coming out publicly would split them apart. He knew Kevin would stand by him - that much, his cousin had told him time and again, anytime Brian did something completely stupid. Brian sometimes wondered if maybe Kevin already knew. His cousin was a lot sharper than people gave him credit for. But the other three... Brian was never sure where Nick, Howie or AJ stood on the gay thing. Howie had said more than once that he didn't have a problem with the gay male fans. But what a person said and what they thought could be worlds apart. Brian himself was evidence of that. AJ seemed to be easygoing about everything, and Brian sometimes wondered if his friend had a hateful bone in his body. But then, he had noticed the uneasy way Gavin and AJ related, and wasn't so sure anymore. And Nick... Dear Nick. Frick and Frack, they were. Brian wondered if Nick could forgive him for keeping such a big secret from him. There were supposed to be "no secrets" between friends, right? Brian could hardly think of a bigger secret. No, he had to keep acting straight in order to protect them all. It was a small sacrifice, really. Well, in comparison to, say, dying.
Gavin was also deep in thought, though not nearly so close to despair as Brian looked to be. He had no idea what to say to Brian. He had hoped - prayed, even - that Brian would just tell him that he wasn't attractive enough, or strong enough, or even smart enough, rather than what he had said. Brian wanted to be together with someone. Maybe even Gavin. But he wouldn't do it. 'For the sake of the group', Gavin muttered to himself. 'I wonder if they know how much he's really giving. 200 percent of himself, I'd say.' Gavin wanted to punch a wall. Or a person. He wanted to denounce the entire world as idiotic and judgemental. He wanted it all to be washed away, just him and Brian remaining. God, he was falling in love with the man! He had known him for less than a day, met him on rather unpleasant terms, and was falling for him! Gavin frowned. He was not supposed to act like that. Not like a flirty schoolgirl trying to get a kiss from the cute new boy. But here he had been, doing just that. And even his best attempt at seduction had blown up in his face. Not that this surprised him in the least. He knew he wasn't the most attractive person in the city. He knew that Brian probably had high standards for the men he occaisonally enjoyed. But for Brian to say that he would consider it if it weren't for his career? And his friends?! Gavin wanted to cry, too. But he wouldn't. Couldn't let his defenses down. Not for anyone. Even Brian. Too much risk of being hurt...
--
For a minute, Gavin was no longer walking along the street with one of the Backstreet Boys. He was a high school senior again, performing a skit during a fine arts festival. With his boyfriend. Who broke from the script when he told Gavin that he no longer loved him, and had found somone else. Someone better. Oh, the audience had laughed, thinking it all part of the play. Gavin had nearly crumbled right there. He wanted to vomit. When he tried to laugh nervously and see if his love had only been ad-libbing a few lines, he was met with a cold shoulder and a wicked smile. "Sorry," his boyfriend had said. "You just aren't good enough." That had been the only time Gavin had ever cried for an entire night. He wouldn't let it happen again... Had to keep the walls up. Had to survive. But his heart raced anyway. He wanted to be REAL with Brian, wanted to BE with Brian. But once the walls were raised, it was well-nigh impossible to tear them down again.
--
Brian frowned as he noticed Gavin nearly walk into a telephone pole, lost in thought. By a stroke of luck, the other man snapped out of his reverie just before hurting himself.
"That was close," Brian muttered.
"What's that?" Gavin asked, looking toward Brian through half-closed eyes. He seemed distant still, as though not fully aware of the world yet. Like he had just woke up from a none-too- pleasant nap.
"Nothing." Brian frowned as he noticed that there was a bit of a wet glimmer in the corner of Gavin's eyes. He couldn't help himself. He reached forward and wiped the beginning tear away. "Are you alright, man?"
Gavin nearly flinched back as Brian touched him. "Fine," he said, voice edgy. Had he nearly burst into tears at the damned memory? No... no, he would NOT let that happen. He turned away quickly, and looked directly ahead at the horizon. "It'll be late soon. You have to leave tomorrow morning. We should head back."
Brian looked startled. Something was on the other man's mind, he was sure. But he didn't know what, and he wasn't about to press the issue. "Alright," he said, and turned to look at the sun. He hadn't realized how far they'd walked, or for how long. "I guess we should head back, then."
They walked back toward the restaurant in silence, only glancing at one another every so often. Gavin had predicted correctly - no sooner did they reach Brian's rented car than the first stars appeared in the sky. Still without a word, the two got into the car. Brian looked at Gavin and started to say something, but stopped short.
Gavin noticed. "Yes?" he asked, still looking out the window.
"I was just wondering..." Brian started to answer, before shaking his head. "Nothing. Never mind." He started the car, and they were off.
Twenty minutes later, there was a bright light shining in both men's eyes, a loud horn in their ears, and an explosion of glass cutting their skin.
== End Part 4 ==
Author's note: Nope, still no sex. But it WILL be here in the next part. Cross my heart. I can be reached for comment at my new email: AshamanWolf@hotmail.com. This is a plea: write me! I can hardly be expected to write better if I get no feedback, now can I? So, whatever your comments, feel free to send them my way. It makes my day, really. grin Oh, and for those of you who have written, thanks. Sorry that I haven't returned your emails, but I deleted them while clearing out my mailbox, and by the time I remembered, the trash was out. :(
-Shaun