UNDER THE CHERRY TREE
By
Rev. Jesse Penfield Gibson, MDiv, DMin
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters and situations are purely imaginary. Any resemblence to any living persion is coincidental. This story is primarily a romance but does contain some scenes of explicit sex, primarily homosexual but not exclusively.
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EIGHTEEN
His naked warmth was next to me under the covers of his comforter. Xander was lying in my arms.
"There is something I should tell you. I had a three way with your brother Phillip the other night. Him and Carlo."
He stared up at me. "Really? How was it? I mean, Carlo's dick, Jesus Christ."
I shrugged and looked away for a second before re-engaging his eyes. "It was good. I enjoyed it. But I wanted you to hear it from me first."
"Too late. Phillip called me to brag. He wouldn't be Phillip if he hadn't," Xander smiled.
"It doesn't bother you?" I asked him.
"With Phillip? No, not really."
I didn't want to mention Reed. He was a bad memory that I was going to ignore for now. "Look, I don't know what the rules are here but there's a couple of things I want to know."
"This isn't going to be good. I'm okay with leaving what's happened alone," Xander said, pulling away from my side and sitting up on the bed cross-legged. He was still naked.
"No, it's not like that. I just want to understand. Why won't you take medicine, for instance? Having depression like that can't be fun."
He stared up at the ceiling, composing his answer. "That doesn't happen that much. I don't want to be mean about it but there's no way that you could understand. The way I look at it is that how I think, how I feel is who I am. It's me. That's what makes me, me. Other people say that those things are diseased. It's saying that who I am is a disease, and I'm not gonna accept that. Kerry thinks back to our mom and what she remembers is the times that she had manic episodes or whatever, when she was out of control, and it scares her when she sees it in me. Of course, she was just a little kid and it meant that she had to take responsibility for me when that happened. But what I remember is the times when she was on the meds and she was a fucking zombie. The meds control the mania and the depression but the price you pay is that they drain all spark of life right out. It's like being the walking dead. I want to be with you and I want you to be with me but I want to be alive more. I want to be creative. I want to experience life. That's gonna be the price of admission for you."
"Okay, I can respect that. I was attracted to the person you are, so I guess I take the good with the bad. But the other thing I want to know is about the porn."
He shifted uncomfortably. "I told you. I needed the money."
"Look, I don't know that I completely get that but there are some things I want to know. For instance, is this an ongoing thing?"
"You need to remember that we had broken up, right?" He said, not looking at me. "We weren't together when I went back and did some more work for them. I signed a contract for a year. It was more money per scene and a minimum of 8 scenes. "
"How much money?"
"3000 for guy-guy or bi, 2500 for guy-girl. And those guys are really into enforcing contracts. They have an in-house lawyer and everything. So, I'm not getting out of it even if I wanted to and I think I want the money too much to try."
It would be in excess of $20,000. It was a lot of money, I admit. "I'm not sure I'm that comfortable with my boyfriend going off to have sex with somebody else for money. Sorry."
"It's not what you think," Xander said, stretching out and facing me on the bed. "It takes like 3 or 4 hours to do a scene, sometimes longer. It's the most un-erotic thing you can do. They pick your partner for you and tell you if you're going to bottom or top. When you kiss, who sucks who, what positions, it's all decided for you. It's a job, nothing more. It's not like a wild orgy or anything."
I didn't know what to think. But there was something else lingering in my mind. "When you did the masturbation scene, you were pretending like you were straight."
"I like girls, you know that. Look, did you look through the site closely?"
"Not really," I admitted.
"Did you notice how they market themselves? Mostly straight guys having gay sex. A straight guy is what they want. If you had looked, you would have seen that Dex had worked with them 2 years ago when they first started. He did the same kind of interview and said, 'I'm gay'. Openly gay guys get paid less and they don't get used as much. I was doing it for the money, so I said I was straight, left out the bisexual part, and got paid."
"So a lot of those guys are just passing themselves off as straight?"
"As far as I can tell, most of them probably are straight, or at most bi-curious. Of course, I kept up the straight act the whole time I'm there. It's not that hard. I like girls and I'm pretty masculine. But I can tell you that the guys I've done scenes with weren't that into it. You can tell. It's not that much fun doing it with someone who really doesn't get into doing it."
"Okay," I said as I inched toward him. "I may not like it but I can live with it. Now if there's anything you need to find out from me, ask now."
He stared at me and asked, "Are you going to come out to your parents?"
I was amazed by the question. "That isn't the question I thought you would ask."
"I know what you thought. That hurt me more than you can know. Everybody was totally down on you for it but I knew you were smart enough to figure out what he was eventually. And I knew your heart. But about the question: I'm not saying you should tell them you're gay, I just want to know if you are."
"I don't know," I admitted. It was a difficult choice, more difficult than he could appreciate. "I don't have any plans to right now."
Xander nodded. "I just wanted to know."
I thought about that question a lot that night. Eventually I would have to tell them but not now was what I decided. My main concern immediately was that he not assume that it meant I was ashamed of our relationship. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep with Xander beside me. As usual, he slipped out of bed in the early morning hours, restless as always. Our need for sleep just didn't coincide.
The weather on that Tuesday morning was spectacular. It was clear and cold but windless. The whole world was covered in a thick blanket of pure, white snow. By our standards, it had been a blizzard, dumping probably 6 inches of snow, which is more than in the last dozen years combined probably. I struggled into a coat too small for my arms that Xander loaned me and we ventured out into the winter wonderland. Like excited children, we built a snowman, a proper one. It was only waist high but it was a real snow man. That quickly led to a snow ball fight. We were laughing loudly and running about when Kerry came out carrying Finny. The boy was struggling to get down, whining at being kept pinned in.
"You're back," Kerry said, staring at me with hard look on her face. She turned to her brother and said, "Are you a glutton for punishment? Why couldn't you just move on?"
"Because he's good," Xander answered, ramming his hands in his pocket.
"Well, congratulations Alex. You're just like every other male, thinking with your dick."
"No, it's not like that," he said, his hurt obvious. "This is right. I know it is. We're gonna stick."
By now, Finny was trying to crawl up his mother in an effort to get loose. Finally giving in to a squirming child, Kerry put him down. Finny sank down in the snow and, shocked, began to whine and held up his hands to be picked up again. Xander moved in and took him from Kerry. Twirling the boy in the air, to his delight, Xander said, "It's not what it seemed, huh kid? Things are like that."
Xander moved over the back porch area where the snow was less and put Finny down. He immediately fell on his bottom but picked himself up and toddled unsteadily. Kerry was still staring at me. "You are not allowed to hurt him again. Do you understand? You don't want to have me to deal with, got it?"
"I was scared and I was stupid," I told her. "But I was smart enough to fix it while I still could."
She turned to Xander. "Can you watch him for a while? Joe and I would like a little alone time. Just don't let him get too cold. He'll get the sniffles. When you get hungry, I made a big pot of soup."
We played with him outside for a while before taking him into the studio below Xander's apartment. Finny got to smear some watercolor on a big piece of paper, which Xander declared better than his mother's efforts, while Xander showed me what he was working on currently. Mostly it seemed dark and depressing, very much unlike the playful optical illusions that he seemed to be drawn to. Finally, we went inside the house and had soup with Kerry and Joe, their private time having accomplished the purpose. Our private time came later.
It was in the calm, relaxed state after orgasm that I remembered Carter and thought how sad it must be for him, all cooped up in his room friendless. The only two people who seemed to be friendly with him were in the bed together blissfully happy.
"I've been wondering: when did you and Carter become friends. It seemed like you two hated each other at the beginning," I asked him, snuggled up in his arm.
"It's easier to be friends with him if you don't live with him," Xander laughed. "I was pissed at him because I thought it was him who told you about the porn. He convinced me that it wasn't and I kind of regretted the things I said to him. When I got to know him better, I realized how bad off he is."
"Why would you think it was him?" I asked him shocked. My money was on Reed in any event.
"He knew who I was the day I moved in."
"How?"
"He watches a lot of gay porn."
"You're kidding?" I asked him, shocked.
"Nope. It's on his lap top. He's pretty fucked up, you know. He's scared shitless of his father. He never said, but I think his dad used to hit him a lot. And his father is very homophobic. He's pretty much the tortured, self-hating closeted queer. The sad thing is that he doesn't even want to be a preacher. His dad wants it and he can't say no. He's really good a good writer. Super creative. Science fiction and stuff."
"Wow. I'm speechless," I said.
"Don't tell anybody. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want it spread around. Apparently, he made a pass at a boy in the Baptist Student Union who shot him down and he basically stopped hanging around them."
"I won't say anything," I said. Then it occurred to me. "You didn't sleep with him, did you?"
Xander laughed. "Nah. He liked the guy on the video, not the real person. Plus, he has a crush on you."
I sat bolt upright in bed. "You're kidding?"
"Nope. Had it bad too. So I guess you'll have to break him in."
"I don't know about that."
Actually, the revelation about Carter was on my mind when I finally got back to the dorm on Wednesday afternoon. It took until then for the snow to melt enough for the roads to open. After ditching my stuff, I went over and knocked on his door. I was using as a pretext giving him a book I liked, Blue Like Jazz, When Carter answered, it seemed like he didn't want to let me in. I gave him the book, told him it was about the emerging church movement, and he graciously offered to read it.
"You wanna hang out?" I asked. "The UC, maybe?"
He nodded. It seemed like he was trying to be cool but was actually pretty eager. He left the door open a bit as he fished out his coat, it was still chilly but above freezing. The room was a mess and the lights were off. It seemed drab and depressing. Carter, however, was pretty up for the most part as we walked over to the UC to get something to eat.
"So, I think me and Xander are back together" I said, telling him the story about Reed and being out in the weather and Xander coming to get me. He even laughed about our getting back.
"Sounds like an adventure. I'm glad" Carter said after I finished. "You weren't happy with Reed. He made you think you were small"
I thought about that for a second. It was a good description. Reed thought he was superior: older, richer, more fashionable, cooler. His whole reason for being with me was as a dig at Xander and Dex and Cass. He didn't like me for me and it showed. Xander did.
"You and Xander are made for each other" Carter said
I laughed. "You know we are nothing alike. You and me are more alike than him and me. By a long ways."
"You complement each other"
"I guess you two are friends now too, huh?"
He nodded as he eat his sandwich. Swallowing, he said, "Yeah. Since I don't live with him that much he's actually a pretty good person to have as a friend. Of course, now that you two are back together, I may be seeing more of him."
"Maybe, maybe not"
He grinned a little. "You can use the room if you need to"
"Thanks" I said. "It doesn't bother you anymore?"
He put his head down. "You know, I had never met a single gay person in my life until I got here. Well, not that I knew of. All I knew was what I was told and maybe it wasn't the whole story. Well, not maybe. It wasn't the whole story. I think maybe all of us are pretty much the same. Just trying to figure it out and doing the best we can."
"Sounds about right" I said. It would have been nice if he would have come out to me but everybody has to do that in their own way and own time. I know. I haven't done it for my parents yet. Yet.