UNDER THE CHERRY TREE
By
Rev. Jesse Penfield Gibson, MDiv, DMin
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters and situations are purely imaginary. Any resemblence to any living persion is coincidental. This story is primarily a romance but does contain some scenes of explicit sex, primarily homosexual but not exclusively.
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TWENTY THREE
We waited for him at the emergency room along with Chip and the Director of Residence Life. That guy was interested in how much we all had suspected that Carter was suicidal. My sense was that he was worried about the liability of it and not because of any genuine concern for Carter. I hadn't thought about it and was, to be honest, totally clueless. But Xander had been worried and he had shared his concerns with Chip. What I didn't know was that Chip had referred Carter to counseling more than once and had basically done everything he could do to help him. I was surprised by that since Chip was a total non-factor in my life. He was just the guy I went to if I locked myself out and who enforced quiet hours and dead week. But I was even more surprised by Xander being in tune with him.
"We talk some, a good bit actually. We're friends," he said simply, not even looking up from his sketch book where he was busy drawing various jewelry designs.
"It's just weird that you recognized that he would try that and I didn't. I knew he was sad and lonely but I never dreamed."
Without looking up, Xander asked, "Have you ever thought about killing yourself?"
"No, of course not" I said
Then he looked up. "I've tried to kill myself. On the back end of bipolar. That's the difference. I know what that kind of heavyweight sadness is. Me and him, we're both crazy. I'm bipolar and he's depressed. You're just ... normal."
"I don't like it when you call yourself crazy"
"Yeah, but I am Dylan," he said, going back to the drawings. "You said you loved me even though I am crazy not that you were going to wish that I wasn't. Sooner or later, I am going to be crawled up in a ball and not able to move. That's the deal. You've got to be there for me."
I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "I will"
He brushed me away like a fly. Eventually, they let us see him but nobody would tell us anything. I asked a nurse but she wouldn't because of privacy concerns. They did let us go in and see him. It was a strained meeting, the Residence Life guy there too, but in a ward area with just a thin curtain blocking off his bed, giving the illusion of privacy without the reality of it.
He was on a stretcher, looking sheepish and ashamed as we went in. "Hey guys."
I wanted to scream at him, yell at him, tell him how stupid he was. Xander gently stopped me from saying anything. I did hug him and so did Xander. I tried to speak to him but couldn't find the words. He looked so lost and small and I didn't feel pity for him. Anger, yes. But more than that, which surprised me. Xander asked Carter where they were going to evaluate him at. He said something about a 1013, which I didn't know what that was. The Residence Life guy did, though. He seemed relieved. Carter said that they were going to admit him at Coliseum, which was across the interstate but still in Macon. Xander told him that it would be a week of evaluation and then he would be back to school but Chip seemed skeptical. Trying to hang yourself in your dorm room is a pretty messed up thing to do and I didn't think the Dub would be welcoming him back with open arms. But I kept my mouth shut because he just needed a friend right then.
We were driving back in the nighttime black when Xander said that he wanted us to get together with Sarah again in the future. He asked me what I thought.
"I understand now that you really are bisexual," I said. "I knew it but it was more or less theoretical. But I know you well enough to see the lust in your face. But the thing is that I was turned on by you not by her. I didn't feel anything for her. I like her well enough but I don't need to have sex with her."
"Oh, okay," he said. "But seeing you with her turned me on."
I smiled a little. "I learned something on a beach a little while go. I am not going to be what I'm not. I'm not going to stop you from being who you are. If you want to invite her into our bed, then I'm okay with that. If you want to have sex with any other girl, I'm okay with that. If you want to have sex with a boy, I'm okay with that too. The one thing I am not ever going to be is the kid hanging from the ceiling. I'm done and through with bullshit morality."
"I want to talk Carter into going to the farm when you gets through with his 1013," Xander said
"And I think that is a very bad idea." Of course, I just thought it was an idle thought on his part and that it would never happen. For one thing, I knew that Carter's father would sweep in and take control of everything and bend Carter to his will for the millionth time. But Xander can be bullheaded.
One prediction was true. When we went to visit him the next day at Coliseum, his parents were in the lobby. His mother ignored us but his father was rude. He told us to go away and not come back. We weren't to try to contact Carter ever again. He had heard about us, about our scandalous activities and how we were hell bent on recruiting Carter to our satanic lifestyle. Xander would have popped him right then but I held him back. I knew one punch thrown and the police would have been called. He was trying to taunt us into trouble. I led him away. Only Carter could break free of that prejudice and bigotry and I knew how hard it was to do. For some reason, not wanting pussy is a major problem for them.
Xander wasn't willing to give up. In some ways, it is his best quality: being ready to do anything necessary for a friend. But I wasn't sure that his basic make up wasn't leading him wrong here. But he came up with a way. Carter had been there for 6 days and was due to be released the next day. But, Xander told me, that Dex knew a guy, somebody who worked on the 11 to 7 shift. He would let us in to see him in the early morning hours when everyone was asleep.
We waited in the ER lobby for the guy to come get us. He was a nervous acting, lanky black guy with a little fuzz on his upper lip. Holding a door open that led to the back of the ER, he seemed to recognize Xander and motioned for us to come on. There were people in the ER waiting, some trying to sleep fitfully in the chairs, even at that hour of the morning. Silently, the black guy led us through a maze of corridors the cut through the heart of the ER. Despite his anxiety, nobody stopped us or questioned why we were there. Only after he swiped his badge and opened a door leading out of the ER, did he say anything.
"Y'all be cool," he said in almost a whisper as we fairly raced down the hall, "It'd be my ass if something happens."
"We will, don't worry" I said to him.
"Dex still seeing Dante?" he asked
"Yeah, that'll go on for a while," Xander replied
We got to the elevators and he punched the up button. I could see the anxiety on his face as he waited for the car to come. With a loud ding, it arrived and I almost jumped out of my skin. He was making me nervous. Once inside the elevator, he punched the button for the 5th floor.
As soon as the doors shut, he turned to Xander and said, "You got the orange kush"
"Yep" Xander said laconically, pulling out a bag from his pocket and handing it to him. "A full quarter, all 28 grams"
Deftly the guy put the bag in his pocket. When we got out of the elevator, he pointed to the staircase through the fire door. He told us when we left to go down the stairs to the bottom and then out the front door to the left. He swiped his card again on a badge reader and opened a door to a long hall that had an open room down at the far end. Two doors down, he opened it and let us.
"I'll be back in 30 minutes to do a suicide check. You leave then. Don't let nobody fucking hear you."
In the bed, Carter stirred from slumber. His hair was messed a bit and he had been dozing. He yawned and stretched. Then he smiled. "Thanks, Levon. I'm really glad you guys came."
"Well, we wanted to see how you are doing," I said.
Xander flopped down on a chair and threw his legs up on the bed. "They letting you out tomorrow?"
Carter nodded. "Yeah, my days are up and they have me on anti-depressants. They have outpatient stuff set up."
"What they got you on?" Xander said
"Effexor"
"That sucks. I couldn't have sex at all on that. Plus it made me manic. The guy that prescribed it was kind of a quack. So, tomorrow, come with us."
Carter looked surprised. "What?"
"Come with us, I'll take you to my Dad's. It is in the country, plenty of fresh air and people that will accept you for being gay."
Carter looked at me quizzically as if to ask what Xander was talking about. That made me ask him what his plans were. He shrugged a little and sheepishly said, "You know, maybe I'm not gay. Gay means happy, right. I'm definitely not that. My dad has me into this place, a Christian counseling place. Help me deal with this, with my attractions."
"Like conversion therapy?" I asked.
"Yeah"
"Don't go," I said, walking up to his bed. I took a hand. "Don't go, Carter. Don't. They won't help you get better. They don't care about helping you get better. They would rather that you die than be gay."
He shook his head. "I don't really have a choice. I have to."
Xander looked at him intently, took his legs down and leaned forward. "You don't have to. You're an adult."
"Look, go with Xander, do anything, just don't go there. Please" I begged him.
"I'm telling you I don't have a choice. It's go there or my dad disowns me. I don't want to but I have to."
We tried talking him out of it, back and forth but his father had a hold on him. A hold that Carter wasn't strong enough to break away from. I thought he wanted to but he couldn't find the strength to do it. I thought it was really sad, but I understood it. For them, being queer is the worst possible thing you can be. But if you love them and that's all you know, it's hard. I know. I haven't told my parents yet either. I hope they won't be the same way but you never know. I can't judge him. I know where he is at. So, I told Xander to quit trying to convince him and just be his friend. I made sure that he had mine and Xander's cell phone numbers and to call us if he needed us, anytime day or night.
The guy came back and swiped us out of the locked psych unit. We went down the stairs as instructed and then out into the cool night air, now on the opposite side of the building from where we parked. In the dark, we stumbled back around to the ER. I slept in the next day and missed class, a rarity for me. Xander was downstairs working on some sketches. Eventually, we headed back to campus. Xander wanted to do some ceramics and I went to Reade to spend a couple of days away, so that we could take a break from each other. I know now that he is right. The only way we are going to work is to be able to be apart some. I love him and he loves me but we are past the goeey romantic phase, at least somewhat, and I think both of us are being to learn the boundaries some.
Five days after Carter left, Xander's phone sounded around midnight. I had just gone to sleep after sex when it rang. The phone was in the living room and Xander ran for it. Grumpily I turned over and tried to go back to sleep. I heard him talking and asking where that person was. Given the chaos of his life, it could have been anyone and I didn't pay it much attention. But when he told the person on the other end that he was going to call somebody to pick them up, I perked up. Then he came in the bedroom.
"Get dressed. That was Carter. He left straight camp. We gotta go get him."
I sat up in bed. "Really?"
"Really. He walked out. It must have taken some guts but he did. I'm sure they called his Dad."
"Then we need to get there first," I said, jumping out of bed and pulling on pants.
"I'm calling Philip to go get him. He's closer, obviously. "
He sped pretty outrageously up I-75. Philip, needless to say, was still up and however reluctantly was willing to go Howell Mill Road to get our friend. I was just hoping he was sober and that he wouldn't freak Carter out too badly. Carter, after all, had lead a even more sheltered life than I did. But, when we were around McDonough, Philip called to say that he had gotten him safe and sound. I was relieved. I was also very proud of Carter for walking out. It took a lot of guts. Most people wouldn't. We got to Atlanta before 1:30 and there was still traffic. Xander knew where he was going of course and got off on the 10th/14th Street exit and barreled across Peachtree into the heart of the gay ghetto. I barely recognized the house from my one stay there a few months ago when Xander pulled in.
We went in the back way and there was Carter sitting on the couch with his bag still packed, quietly talking to Philip, who was very much baked. He seemed to be enjoying a stoner philosophical discussion. Carter smiled shyly when we walked in.
"So you owe me, bro. For saving your roommate from the Christians, I mean. Not for anything else. But if you are all fucking together, I'm going to bed. Of course, Dylan you can come with me if you want."
"No thanks" I said with a smile. "but thanks."
Philip shrugged. "I'm just partial to skinny boys with big dicks. Oh, Dad wants you to be his lab assistant this summer, if you're not taking classes. "
We gathered up Carter and put him in the jeep. He was kind of jazzed up and talkative despite the hour. He was telling us about the place and how he came to leave. Just tonight, he packed his bag and walked into the chaperone's room and demanded his stuff and walked out. Looking around as Carter talked, it seemed that Xander wasn't heading back to Macon. He was heading downtown. So I asked him where we were going.
"My sister Siobahn has an apartment that she ... well, she entertains at. I have a key. "
"What kind of entertaining?" I asked.
"The kind that involves rich men paying for sex."
"Is anybody in your family normal?" Carter asked
"Not so far," he said with a smile. "But I have three younger siblings that might be but they're pretty young."
It may have been a prostitute's apartment but it was very tastefully done and it was empty. We parked in an underground garage and took the elevator to the 11th floor. Hers was the first one off the elevator, well chosen and discreet. We stepped in the darkened living room and Xander turned on a light.
"Come on, let's go to bed," Xander said, taking Carter by the hand. "All three of us."
Carter pulled his hand back. "I'm not sure about that."
"Why not?" Xander asked.
"Carter," I said jumping in.We hadn't discussed but I knew it was right. Both of us cared for him and this was a step he needed to take. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do but if you're going to take your stand as a gay man, then you ought to at least know what it is. Your first time should be with people that care about you."
I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. I guess it was fear. I understand the terror. Not too long ago, Xander was seducing me and I remember the anxiety. You are definitely crossing a line when you lose your virginity. I suppose that is true for straight boys too but it definitely is for gay boys. But I also know that it is better on the other side. Almost nobody chooses to go back after all.
I reached over and closely kissed him, just gently on the lips, no tongue. He kisses back. I stroke his cheek and kiss him again. We are standing and Xander moves closer to us. He nibbles on his ear. His hand goes on Carter's chest and then down the front of his shirt. So far, all innocent. I kiss him again, open mouthed. He responds. He is not a good kisser. But we have crossed a line.
We take him in the bedroom. Xander pulls off his shirt first as we pile on the bed and I follow suit. Carter is still dressed. Xander takes over making out with him, putting his hand up the shirt even as he kisses him. I like that he is being gentle and slow with him. I think he needs that. I whisper in his ear that he ought to take off his shirt. He looks at me with that anxious look on his face. I smile at him and hope that my eyes convey that it is all right. After all, all three of us have seen each other naked in the shower before. He takes a heavy breath and pulls off his shirt. He is leaner than he was late in the fall term when he packed on the freshman 15 on top of a doughy frame anyway. Jogging and working out with me has helped. He doesn't have the body of a Greek god, not like Xander for instance, but he honestly isn't bad looking. A little bit of belly and a thin chest and arms.
He lets Xander touch him down there with his hand over his trouser as they kiss. BUt I think he has passively given in to us doing what we want and Xander without my telling him has come to the same conclusion. He undoes Carters pants. They drop to the floor. Is in black Hanes boxer briefs and he is hard. Xander pulls them down. Carter is naked. He has a triangular shock of pubic hair but is otherwise smooth. His erection sticks nearly straight up. His is average I suppose. Xander is above average and I am big. Penises come in all shapes and sizes but each man loves his own. Xander falls to his knees and takes him in his mouth.
"OH GOD" Carter exclaims. He is breathless and his face is either tortured or ectastic. "Oh God"
I am naked now too and erect. I stand next to him. He reaches over and takes my dick in his hand. He pulls on it, masturbating me. I reach over and kiss him.
"Oh God, oh God,uhh" he pants as pulls away from me.
"It's okay if you cum. You can cum in his mouth" I said
He sucks in the air and for a moment seems to have forgotten how to breath. He looks pained and then slowly he exhales and begins to breath again. He pants and looks confused, taking his hand up and rubbing his hair but he body is less tense. He silent for what seems like a really long time, looking confused and then almost tearful. Xander stands up and looks at him closely, also clearly wondering. But then Carter pulls Xander to him and kisses him very passionately. Then he kisses me forcefully.
"We're not done yet, are we?"
I laugh. "No"
Xander begins to laugh too and then Carter. "Good. Let's do more" he said.
Xander and I made out and rolled around, sucking and kissing for a while as Carter looked on. He then fucked me. He did me missionary, my ass on a pillow, my legs hiked up and pushed forward, and I held his face in my hands and we kissed as he violated me. He didn't last long and wasn't very good at it but I didn't mind. I thought the three of us together was perfect and I knew that Xander had been right all long: it is about the emotion not the technique. Xander did me when Carter finished but Carter gave his first blowjob as Xander pushed inside me.