Some of the thoughts that were running through my mind of late usually confused me but recently they just seemed to relax me. I had spent years worrying about how I let men tell me what to do, or whether or not I appeared to be a fag at work or how I could learn to be more assertive. I had really been in a lot of relationships with guys where I did whatever the man wanted me to do. It had bothered me a lot over the years, thinking about all the things that had happened to me. But recently I seemed to just be relaxed about it all. I no longer seemed to be embarrassed about any of it, or worried about what someone thought. There was a lot to learn about thinking about it calmly I decided.
I was not even stressed lately dealing with bills and the checking account. Rob had taken control of that task years ago and now I was dealing with it all since he couldn't do any of that any more. I had really been upset originally when he told me he was taking over the checking account and wanted my paycheck every two weeks so he could handle the money. But he had been very clear about it and I had finally agreed to it one night. Then after I agreed, he told me I had to ask to be able to spend money because he said once I turned it over to him, it was his money. I freaked, but I had agreed to his control of it and after thinking how dumb I was for awhile, I got used to it and I no longer had to worry about the money. It was great not having that stress. Then it had stressed me when I had to start dealing with it again. Now paying the bills didn't stress me and thinking about not having control of my money all those years didn't stress me either, it seemed good now. I was just relaxed and doing what I had to do, but I knew now all those years of letting my man do it was somehow a good thing.
I began to notice that I was not worrying at work any longer about how I appeared to people. I didn't stress over appearing "gay" or having people think I was a faggot. That had always bothered me through the years, having men seem to know right away that I was gay. I had always been very protective of myself at work, not talking about my outside life really. I did my best to do my work but not draw any more attention to myself than necessary. But I began to offer my assistance to men at the office now, doing what needed to get done for them. I mean, I just seemed to be putting myself out there, if I knew a man needed some help on something. For example, Jason, who works in IT, was in my area and he started talking about his new office. He said he was having trouble getting the administrative assistant to get him office supplies, couldn't get things organized because there was no help for that around here. I immediately offered to help him and told him not to worry, I would take care of it. He gave me a look kinda like he was surprised. So I rounded up some supplies he said he needed and a day later I went to his office and knocked at his door.
"Come on in," he spoke loudly. He had a deep baritone voice.
"It's just Steve," I replied. "I have some of those office things you mentioned you were having a tough time getting. I didn't want you to go without them anymore, that is not good working conditions."
I started to unload the things on a little side table that was next to his desk.
"Wow!" he sounded surprised. "That didn't take long. You are definitely quicker than going through the channels here."
"Thanks, Mr LeForge. I just wanted to make sure you have everything you need to get your job done," I told him.
"Just call me Jason," he added, "no formality needed."
"Well, you are in a different division, and you have your own office," I added. "I would feel better if I just recognized your place in the hierarchy here." I must have looked puzzled myself, because he looked at me strangely. He was probably 30 or so, and about 15 years younger than me. It wasn't something I had thought about much before that moment. If someone said call them by their first name I did, but here I was demurring to a man based on his place in the company. As soon as I called him by his proper name I knew it felt right, so I smiled.
"Well, if that makes you comfortable," he smiled back at me, which made me feel sure I had done the right thing. "Thanks a lot for getting all these things. I was having trouble with it."
"Well, I just thought, Mr. LeForge, it made no sense to disrupt your work, with you having to find all this stuff, it seems like a waste of your valuable time. So I just thought if I would help in any way, I could."
Mr LeForge, looked at me for a few seconds. He was really sort of staring and I was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable, then he spoke. "I really appreciate it Steve," his words made me feel very good, like I had done the right thing. "I have been looking for a few other things for around here too, but I am so busy I haven't had the time..."
"Oh, if I can help, I would really like to," I jumped right in, offering to do more for him. I didn't even really know Mr LeForge and he wasn't in my division, but I felt it was my responsibility to help this man for some reason.
"Well, officially I can't ask that, Steve, you know I don't supervise you," Mr LeForge pointed out.
"I will do it with my own time," I surprised myself with my quick response. But when I said it I felt like it was something I knew I should do.
Mr LeForge smiled. "Good to hear."
It was a great feeling knowing I has helping a man at work. Mr LeForge had a list of things he needed for his office, including some kind of blinds for his window and some fabric to cover the old table opposite of his desk that had books and a vase on it.
"I don't want anything too faggy in here, Steve. Do you understand?" Mr LeForge finished his request.
I blushed and I stammered, but managed to reply that I wouldn't get anything too faggy for him, then I thanked him for letting me do this and left to get back to my area.
I was so thrilled to have the opportunity to do something for this man. I didn't really understand why, but I knew it was important for me to do this, to take care of his need for some things for his office. I had no idea when I would find the time between work and taking care of Rob, but I felt I had to do it.
I did find some time to run to the home store when I was making my usual trip to the grocery a couple days later, so when I showed up a couple days later at his office with my arms full of stuff, I think Mr LeForge was surprised. I just got right to work, decorating his office with some of the things I had bought, he seemed to really like the stuff I had gotten and I had been extra sure to not get anything that did not reflect well on him. Just like he had said everything I chose was very butch, nothing "faggy".
"Steve?" Mr LeForge began...
"Yes, Sir?" I responded immediately.
"You're a faggot aren't you?" he looked at me directly while asking his question.
I got all tongue tied and embarrassed and I really didn't know what to say at first. But he spoke again. I should have been VERY embarrassed given that I usually didn't announce that at work, but I was mostly calm, just a little unsure of what to say to him.
"No need to even answer, your face gives you away. I've only seen a few that were as obvious as you, so it wasn't too difficult to tell. Doesn't matter to me what you do, but I will make use of you as long as you are offering to do stuff for me," he added. "I'm not interested in sex, my wife is more than willing to put out, but as long as you follow directions, I can always use a fag to get some work done for me."
"Yes, Sir", I spoke at last. "I understand Mr LeForge, sorry I was so obvious." I was really upset that I may have offended him by being so obvious. He told me not to worry, I couldn't help it, he knew. It made me turn red again, but he was right, men had always known, this was just more confirmation for me.
"I am done with you for now," Mr LeForge told me "but, I do want you to check back regularly to see if I need anything. It will keep you out of trouble if you have something to focus on besides trying to suck dick in the bathroom."
"I..I don't...I mean..." I was stumbling trying to get my words right, I didn't hang out in the bathrooms here.
"Don't hide it, Steve. All fags hang out in bathrooms sucking dick, why would you be any different? I don't care what you do on your off time, but if you are spending any time doing work for me, I don't want you fagging here in the building, do you understand me?" His voice was suddenly very commanding, and his look was very stern.
"Yes, Sir" was the only answer that seemed appropriate. "I won't be doing that, I don't do that here, Mr LeForge."
"Good boy, I won't have you doing work for me if you have a reputation like that. I don't need people to think I am using a faggot right here at the office for something besides work."
I was terrifically embarrassed but at the same time when he said "good boy" to me, I felt extremely comfortable in his presence. "Yes, Mr LeForge, I understand." I left as quickly as I could when I finished the stuff I had to do there. I didn't want anyone to think anything bad about Mr LeForge. He was nice enough to let me help him, so I wanted to make a good impression. He didn't say anything else to me so I just slipped out when I was finished.
"Good boy," the voice that was speaking was different than Mr LeForge's voice. "You are such a good boy to help out men at your office, Steve. That is showing your submission very well. Such a good fag. Such a good boy." It was Mr Ericsson's voice, I knew it now. "You know you are becoming more and more submissive. You listen to the CDs I give you and every time you listen you become more submissive to men, to all men, Steve. You know that is right for you, that it is your place to be submissive to men, don't you, boy?" Mr Ericsson's voice was so soothing, I DID know that it was my place.
"Yes, Sir, Mr Ericsson. I need to be submissive." My own voice sounded far off, detached somehow. I was relaxed but listening intently to Mr Ericsson.
"Such a good boy, helping men at work. No need to hide what you are, All men know you are submissive to them. You need to be a good boy, a good faggot. You need to keep serving men, Steve. Keep serving them, keep submitting. You know you feel best when you are serving men, boy. You are fulfilled when you are submitting to their will, boy. You are doing so well, boy. Learning more and more about yourself. Such a good fag, such a good girl."
I felt so good, hearing I was doing well, knowing I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.
"You are always a little more submissive than the men you are talking to, boy. Because you serve all men, boy. You know it is best for you to submit to all men, girl. Each day you are more submissive than the last. This is nothing new for you, boy, you have always been more submissive to all men, boy. Just like a girl, you are submissive to your man."
Mr Ericsson's voice was strong and soothing. It was relaxing to my ears as he explained things to me. Things that made more sense every time I heard his voice telling me what was going on, what my life was about.
"I am telling you nothing new. You already know this to be the truth, Steve. You have always been more submissive than all your boyfriends. It is in your nature, boy, your being, to serve and be useful to men, all men. You are a faggot, boy. You have always been a faggot. You know this now and you are beginning to accept this fact and understand your responsibilities in being a faggot, boy."
Mr Ericsson patted me on the head. I could feel the warmth of his touch radiating through me. I wanted nothing more than to serve his needs, to be useful to him. Mr Ericsson was standing near me. He told me to get off the sofa and get on my knees. He then sat down on the sofa and he lifted his bare foot to my face. I was unsure what to do. I was in my dreamlike state, and I was unsure what was supposed to happen next.
"I want my foot cleaned boy. Take your tongue and begin licking every inch of my foot. This is your service today, faggot, to worship my feet. You need to treat all of a man's body as well as you treat a cock, boy, you know that. You know that you need to serve all men, and all of a man, boy."
I took Mr Ericsson's foot in my hands and felt the same warmth I felt from the rest of his body, move through me, I wanted to serve his feet. I began licking the top of his foot. It smelled like Mr Ericsson, but only stronger. It tasted no different than licking his cock, and it brought me extreme pleasure when I began to suck on his toes. One by one I took his toes into my mouth, savoring the taste and feel of Mr Ericsson's energy. He kept telling me what a good faggot I was and how good I was doing it. Those words just made me want to do more for his feet, for him.
I finished cleaning Mr Ericsson's right foot and I moved to his left foot. I licked the top and bottom of his foot before moving again to his toes, placing each in my mouth and rolling my tongue around them, tasting everything, getting to know his feet through my mouth. I had never cleaned anyone's feet before like this, but I knew that it was the right thing to do now. All the other things I had done with men, but never had I been so sure that worshipping a man's feet was right for me.
Next Mr Ericsson moved me up to his armpits. I had to clean those too. He took off his shirt and grabbed the back of my head and shoved it into his right pit.
"Worship my body, bitch. Nothing better than a good boy, worshipping a man with his tongue. You need it more than I do, boy."
Mr Ericsson smelled slightly under his arms but when I sniffed, it just made me want to lick and clean his pits more. His smell overpowered me and I had to have it. I needed his smell and his assurances. I also knew deeply now, that I needed his cock and his load. It seemed like I craved it more each day and I could barely control myself and I cleaned his left pit for him, licking at the hair, thinking that he was clearly a man, all that hair under his arm. What a strange thought it was to me, associating being a man with having a hairy pit, but that is what I thought about, and it just drove me crazy as I licked and sucked at his pits for him.
"Tell me what you need, boy. Tell me what you know you need." Mr Ericsson, pulled my head away from his body and looked me directly in the eyes.
I lowered my eyes down his body to his pants. I saw the outline of his dick hard and straining against them. I kept my eyes down and mumbled my reply.
"Your load, Sir. I need your load in me." I looked up at him as he held my head
Mr Ericsson smiled. "Good girl! You KNOW you need it now, I knew it was only a matter of time and you would be able to realize how much a man's load means to you."
I felt embarrassed saying it, but I knew it was true. I had no control over myself anymore. I used to have control, I thought to myself, to be able to say no. But now I knew that was wrong and just a figment of my old imagination. I no longer had control; or rather I never had control at all. I had always done what I knew now I needed to do, what I KNEW I HAD to do in this world. I might have been more shocked about thinking this all through at such a moment, but Mr Ericsson, kept me calm, kept me level headed and I was in some sort of dreamlike trance, going through the steps of acknowledging him and how right he was.
"Open my pants, boy... Take out my cock...Good girl...that's it...Suck it deep, faggot...take it all down your throat...take it, like a good faggot...Show me you need my cock, girl..." Mr Ericsson spoke gently but directly and I had to follow his direction. Then he pulled his cock out of my mouth and he turned around. He bent over the sofa and his ass was in my face. I knew I had to lick his hole before he spoke the words.
"Now you need to lick my hole, boy. Go on, I know you've done it before to other men. Stick your tongue out and lick it, girl. Lick my ass crack good."
I started hesitantly licking Mr Ericsson's crack. The scent was strong, like he had been to the gym, strong, mixed with that funky smell a man can get around his ass. But I wanted to do it, deeply wanted to lick his hole. I began to lick more as he encouraged me.
"Come on, boy, that's it...good boy...lick it deep...stick your tongue way up there...whoaaa, yeah, that's it, bitch...get it all clean for me, girl...feels so good, boy...such a good boy, licking your man's asshole...you need to taste a real man's ass, boy...need to know what a real man tastes like..."
I ground my face further into Mr Ericsson's hole, shoving my tongue deep. I wanted to taste him, to know what a man tasted like. I knew I needed to do it. Mr Ericsson's hand grabbed my head and forced me further into his crack. I was shoving my tongue in and out of his hole. Mr Ericsson was encouraging me with his moans. Every time he moaned I knew I was doing well at serving him. I felt more comfortable each time he gave me some feedback.
Mr Ericsson turned around again and his cock was pointing at my mouth. I went to take it into my mouth, but when I moved closer it exploded all over. The first spurt sprayed across my forehead. I was disappointed that I didn't get to suck it more, but I wanted his load so much I started trying to catch it all as his load shot out of his cock. But his cock kept jumping around and spraying all over my face. I looked up at Mr Ericsson and he was smiling and when he finished shooting, he started chuckling.
"Such a pretty cocksucker, boy. You look good with my load on your face."
He started smearing his cock on my face then feeding me his load off his cock. He spent awhile cleaning my face that way, then scooped the rest off my face with his fingers and I sucked those clean for him. I loved tasting every bit of his load. I had to taste it all. As he fed it to me I noticed how relaxed I became, taking his seed into my mouth.
"Good boy, Good fag. I want you to go home and work on that CD as always, boy. You are so good and learning so much. So relaxed now, no stress, boy. Such a good boy these days."