Up Close and Personal

UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL by Jayson Leigh

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events or locations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent.

Author's Note: Thanks for the thoughtful questions and critique after chapter 11. I must say, the last two chapters have been the most `controversial' so far; you all seem to have precise notions of what Shane and Leo would or wouldn't do. I love it how passionate you guys are about them. Please continue sending your thoughts and comments to jmleighwrites@gmail.com.

I'm afraid new chapters are likely to be posted once a week from here on. The story is getting a little more dense and the end game, dum, dum, dum, is near. So I'm putting together an update list; just a one liner email when new chapters are posted to Nifty. Feel free to reach out if you want to be added.

Finally, thanks to Scott, my brand spanking new and awesome Beta, who lets me sound like me, only better and with more commas!

Chapter 12

The Deconstruction of Shane Roderick

Leo wasn't thinking about Shane hooking up with another man.

He wasn't thinking about Shane sucking off a man who had no fucking clue what Shane looked like asleep like this, a smudge of golden eyelashes brushing against pale cheeks and full lips parted as he exhaled softly.

He wasn't thinking about Shane kneeling between another man's thighs, taking cock into his mouth like the motherfucker earned any right to be inside him.

He wasn't doing it.

He wasn't thinking about it.

He abso-fucking-lutely wasn't thinking about it... except that his fists kept clenching, sweat was popping out on his forehead, and he'd already gone through a pack and a half of smokes. He was grateful when a sharp knock on the front door roused him from thoughts he was desperately trying not to think.

He opened the door to find Jake waiting with an older African-American man dressed in a colorful plaid vest and patterned shorts. Letting them in, he eyed the stranger's odd attire suspiciously and arched a eyebrow at Jake who remarked, "Turns out he was on his way to the golf course when Paul made the call."

Leo eyed the man again. He was short, well, beside Jake's hulking figure everyone looked short. He wore glasses perched low on his nose and had salt and pepper hair with a neatly trimmed goatee. He clutched a tan leather bag in one hand and offered the other to Leo.

"Charlie Osmond. Doctor Charlie Osmond."

He shook his hand. "Leo Malone."

"Are you my patient?" Osmond asked, eyes lowering surreptitiously to Leo's throat.

Leo motioned his head towards Shane's bedroom. "No, he's in there, hold on a sec." With that, he left them for the bedroom and approached Shane's sleeping form.

"Hey," he said softly. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched the rise and fall of Shane's heaving chest. He couldn't resist placing a hand right there, just to feel the still beating heart of the other man when he noticed that Shane's fingers were loosely splayed around the duvet, almost as if he'd been holding on to it tightly like a protective shield against the world.

He moved closer, hovering above him and still debating whether or not to nudge him awake when Shane's eyes fluttered open, blue and hazy with sleep.

Leo smiled. "Hey."

Shane watched him bleary-eyed for a second or two then shut his eyes again.

"There's a doctor here to see you."

That got Shane's attention; his eyes shot open quickly, "No," he croaked. He sat up slowly, allowing the covers pool around his waist. He rested weakly against the headboard and shifted around until he was comfortable then he closed his eyes. "I'm okay."

Leo noticed that his voice weakly disproved his words. He couldn't help but focus on the bruises marring the other man's throat. He remembered playfully biting down on that pale column of skin and couldn't understand why or how anyone would inflict such violence on someone as non-threatening as Shane. It was only when Shane reached for the cover around his waist and pulled it up self-consciously around his naked shoulders and neck that he realized he'd been staring.

"You didn't have to bring a doctor," Shane said softly. "You don't have to do anything for me."

"I don't," Leo agreed. He watched Shane bite his lip and look everywhere but at him, like he feared judgment, maybe even reprisal. He knew he ought to free him of that notion... still, a nagging sense of betrayal made him stay quiet on that issue. He eyed Shane's bruised throat and continued, "But you do need to see a doctor."

Shane closed his eyes and leaned against the tufted head board behind him.

"Do you have any idea what it does to me, seeing you like this?" Leo said, frustrated at Shane's silence. "I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but you resist me at every point. It's like your default response to me, no matter what I say or do, is resistance-" He stopped talking abruptly, afraid he'd said too much to someone who was clearly in no shape to fight.

He breathed in and out until he felt his anger receding. He wasn't mad at Shane. He got off the bed and walked away, repeating the mantra silently, he wasn't pissed at Shane. He stared straight ahead at the door and spoke calmly, leaving no room for argument. "The doctor's waiting. Come out when you're ready."

The bass tones of Osmond's voice and Shane's croaked responses were barely audible but he lingered outside the bedroom door anxiously. He'd tried to get in there with them, but Osmond had preferred to see his patient, as he'd referred to Shane, alone.

He'd been making an effort not to smoke so much during the tour because his voice got too raspy which meant he had to push himself harder to reach his upper and lower registers. He'd given up that pledge shortly after seeing Shane's bruises. He was going to have to send Jake out for more cigarettes.

He settled down on the glossy hardwood floor across the bedroom, tapped ash into a saucer he'd retrieved from the kitchen and leaned against a wall as cool air from a nearby vent blew near him. He felt, what was that old-fashioned word, again? Cuckolded. He was no saint. He'd never even been in an exclusively monogamous relationship before, but he'd just assumed this time was different. He was by no means insecure, confident of his charms and assets, but he wondered if Shane had found him, somehow, inadequate? He'd always left his partners satisfied, some had even complained of his voraciousness in bed. Granted he was still figuring out this man-on-man sex thing but he thought he'd been doing okay.

Before he got a chance to immerse himself in even more self-doubt, the bedroom door creaked open and he got to his feet. Osmond approached him with a grim look and for a moment, he panicked, wondering just how bad Shane's injuries were.

"How is he?" he asked urgently.

"He'll live," Osmond said in a dry, matter of fact tone. "He's suffered blunt trauma to the larynx, caused by... and I'm taking a wild guess here, manual strangulation? He's lucky he didn't sustain any damage to the tracheal cartilage. Normally I'd recommend going to the hospital for some X-rays and CT scans but in this case..." his voice trailed off.

Leo stared back at him mutely. He knew Shane would be unreceptive to the doctor's request to go to a hospital. He wouldn't want to risk his injuries becoming public. Leo guessed that his carefully cultivated public persona as a wholesome morning talk show host wouldn't mesh well with that of a gay man who'd sustained injuries in what had obviously been a fight of some sort.

Osmond shrugged. "I didn't think so. There might be some risk of infection, highly unlikely, but the risk remains nonetheless. So I put him on a five-day course of antibiotics. The swelling's going down; he should've applied an icepack within the first 24 hours but it's too late now to do anything about that... I suppose some ice still wouldn't hurt... the swelling should abate on its own, in a few days and, oh yeah, I'm afraid it's going to be a liquid diet from here on. He won't be able to do solids for quite some time."

"So he's going to be okay, eventually?" Leo asked, still unsure as to whether Osmond had delivered good or bad news to him.

Osmond hesitated. "He's got a bruised larynx," he paused but then added, "I suppose he will be okay, eventually, but... many laryngeal trauma victims are not."

Leo paled. He had no fucking idea how close it'd been... and Shane, he'd been trying to sleep it off, like it was nothing. Hell, they could've been in bed right now, having sex, if he hadn't realized something was wrong. "And you say he's going to be okay..." he wondered out loud, "Are you sure?"

"You see, the larynx is a well-protected organ," Osmond said in a superior tone that had Leo thinking it was what he used with interns and subordinates at his hospital. "It's made of cartilage woven together by muscle tissue. What your friend is feeling right now, is acute pain, caused by pressure from the strangulation. The narcotic I've given him should help. I also gave him a topical cream to reduce inflammation of the external bruises. It should also speed up the healing. As for the vocal dysfunction, that's normal. He'll get full use of his voice back but that could take as long as a month to return to normal."

Osborne paused and stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Considering his profession, I guess his voice is something to worry about... I can say with some certainty that he isn't up to hosting a talk show anytime soon, not with the pain or that voice."

Leo sighed inwardly, wondering how Shane had taken the news of his expected recovery time. Not well, he guessed. He started to lead Osmond to the door, when the man stopped suddenly and stared at him with a hard look in his eyes. "You didn't do that to him, did you?"

"Who, me?" Leo asked in alarm, "Fuck, no," then he insisted more adamantly, "I would never... No, just fucking no."

Osmond nodded with evident relief, "Okay, that's reassuring, because injuries of this nature are more often seen by forensic pathologists."

When he saw Leo's eyes widen, he added, "With just a little more pressure, he could've suffered major damage to the thyroid. That would have shut down his airway, acute asphyxia may have set in... Basically, what I'm saying is..."

"I understand," Leo said firmly, unwilling to entertain the conclusion Osmond was suggesting to him. He pulled himself together and thanked Osmond for his services, watching thoughtfully as Jake led him out.

Shane came out shortly after the door closed on Osmond. He lifted his hand self-consciously to his throat, wincing when his fingertips brushed damaged skin. "So, uh, it wasn't so bad, after all," he said.

Leo threw him an incredulous look that had Shane feeling, suddenly, very insecure. He turned away self-consciously, walking quickly in the opposite direction to hide his discomfort. In the kitchen, he filled a glass with water then threw back a handful of pills which he just barely managed to swallow with great difficulty.

"Have you eaten anything today?" Leo asked.

He shook his head, turning his back on the other man to set the glass in the sink. "I'm not hungry," he responded simply. His movements were slow, his throat burning up in pain while his head pounded sharply.

When he turned back around, Leo had lit up a cigarette and was watching him with a heavy, probing gaze. Their eyes met in silence as smoke curled between them like a cloud. He felt exposed. Jenny was the only one he allowed himself to be vulnerable with; Leo was an unknown quantity and now he was seeing him as he really was, broken and weak. If Leo had come here for sex, he had to be really disappointed with Shane right now. He imagined he was the least sexy thing Leo had ever seen, standing before him, pale, unattractive and damaged.

He waited for Leo to say something or make the first move. He didn't. He just watched Shane, smoking in silence with one hand on his hip and a thumb hooked in his belt loop. Shane thought he might as well be posing for a photo shoot with the nonchalance he radiated.

At a loss, Shane realized he didn't know what to expect from Leo. Anticipation made his heart race and soon, trepidation crept in. He knew he was overthinking things but he didn't know what else to do.

Then suddenly he did. He needed to put his defenses back up. How could he be so stupid? He knew what was coming next; he was so fucking sure of it. Drew used to do this to him, too. The calm before the storm; silence right before a sudden attack. He felt weary, unable to flee or fight what was sure to be overwhelming anger from Leo. He knew Leo was pissed. He'd seen a flicker of anger in the other man's eyes when he'd looked at him back in the bedroom.

The tension in the room could be cut with a knife and he tried to stem a wave of nausea that came over him. He didn't even feel like he had the right to bring up Joni. He felt like he'd lost the high ground with Leo and couldn't claim outrage that he'd taken up with Joni again. Not when he'd gone and gotten himself beat up and asked the one person he'd betrayed to come and clean up his mess. The word `whore' came to mind. Who knew Drew was clairvoyant?

He kept bracing himself for the onslaught of Leo's anger. If Leo was anything like Drew, a verbal assault would come first. If Leo was anything like Drew, he'd scoff at Shane if he apologized; say it'd been a plan to manipulate him. If Leo was Drew, he'd leave shortly after the fight. Leave Shane behind and alone, because it was what he deserved. Leo hadn't said a word yet, but his verdict weighed down heavily on Shane

And then a small smile came to Shane's lips, despite the heavy thoughts weighing on his mind. What was he waiting for? Why not give Leo a way out? They could just skip the fight. He couldn't stand on his high horse and accuse Leo of cheating when he'd done the same. They'd never even talked about exclusivity... He had no right to demand anything of Leo; fidelity, commitment, or love. Leo had only ever wanted sex, but then he'd gone and set his expectations too high and look what happened. He had to give Leo a way out and let him leave. He didn't have to stay here and trade words with him. He could just leave. He'd left him before; he'd probably be glad Shane was showing him the way out this time.

So he turned to Leo with a practiced smile straining his face. It hurt deeply; even to put up this façade. "I'm better now," he lied smoothly. "The antibiotics and painkillers should do the trick." He paused to swallow and winced at the onslaught of pain that followed the simple action. His tongue felt thick and sluggish, and talking required more effort than he wanted to let on.

There was silence. Shane watched him gracefully slide the cigarette from one finger to another. He was still sprawled against the counter but was no longer meeting Shane's eyes, choosing instead to stare at the empty fruit bowl on the island between them.

Shane continued undeterred by Leo's silence, "You came in from Vegas this morning, right? So where are you off to next?"

Leo examined the cigarette with a slight tilt of his head. He licked his lips and then took a deep drag before reaching for the fruit bowl. He ground out the half-smoked stick in the glass dish with slow and precise movements. When he chose to respond finally, his dark eyes were hooded and thoughtful. "Utah," he said. Clearing his throat loudly, he said again, "Salt Lake City, Utah, that's where we're headed next."

Shane kept up his bright smile and continued speaking hoarsely, "Utah? That's great. You know, I really shouldn't keep you. I'm sure you've got loads to do. Your band needs you, Paul, the fans... hell, everyone needs you." But me, he added inwardly. His fingers were trembling suddenly so he clenched them to hide their treacherous movements.

"You should go." he continued shakily, nodding encouragingly at Leo. "Thanks for coming and for bringing in the doctor. I, uh, I appreciate your help." Inwardly he cringed at how awkward and formal he sounded.

Leo crossed his arms across his chest and asked skeptically, "So you're all set now?"

Shane swallowed, ignoring the pain coming from both his throat and his heart. He responded, "I'm good. You should go now. I'll call you on the road to, ah, catch up."

Leo watched him for a second, and then a serene expression replaced the incredulous look he'd had previously. "You're right," he agreed readily. "I should go. You don't need me."

Shane assured himself that what he was feeling as Leo consented to leave was relief. And the blinding pain? Well, that was from his bruised throat and nothing else. He was pleased, ecstatic really, that Leo wasn't putting up a fight. It was what he'd expected after all.

Resolved, he took a step forward but swayed uncertainly. He gripped the cool granite on the island before him just in time to steady himself. He noticed that Leo didn't make any attempt to help him, and he chided himself for wishing otherwise. He reminded himself that it was a good thing. He didn't need Leo.

When he was certain that he could walk steadily, he released his tight grip on the island and stepped away slowly. He hesitated, wondering whether or not to go to Leo. How did one end something like this, he wondered, an embrace, a kiss, handshake...? Would it be odd to just walk away?

One glance at the disinterested looking Leo made up his mind. He pushed back the rising tide of pain that threatened to overwhelm him and said with calmness he did not feel. "I'm going to lay down now. Do me a favor and let yourself out."

Although his feet dragged heavy with each step he took away from the other man, he kept going quite determinedly. He resisted the wave of doubt that surfaced. He refused to entertain the nagging thought that perhaps, he'd just waged a war with himself and lost.

A loud sound startled him awake. His eyes shot open to find the source. He knew he was supposed to be home alone.

He wasn't.

It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the hazy light streaming into the room from the blinds Leo had just pulled open.

He tried to speak, but all that came out was a low croak. It seemed that not using his vocal cords over the past few hours he'd been asleep had shut down his voice box. Dr. Osmond had warned that he might lose his voice completely. He tried to lift his head off the pillow, but fell back again, faint and dizzy.

He watched, mutely, as Leo approached him. He settled down on the bed and showed him a tall glass filled with a thick, pink drink.

"I've got a fruit and protein smoothie here," he said in a friendly tone, as if they were resuming a previous lighthearted conversation. "You need to get something in you. It's probably been about 24 hours since you last ate. I know you've got to stick to liquids, but ice cream really isn't going to give you the nutrition you need to get through this."

Shane struggled into a sitting position. He let Leo stack a few pillows behind his back to provide some support. Percocet had diminished the pain in his throat to a dull throb, but now he felt incredibly nauseous and drowsy.

On top of that, his world was topsy-turvy.

Nothing made sense.

What in the world was Leo still doing here?

He didn't dream asking him to leave, did he? And he certainly didn't imagine Leo agreeing to go. He knew he wasn't feeling well but delusions hadn't been one of the side effects that Dr. Osmond mentioned. Sighing, he wondered if he was still dreaming. He leaned back against the cushioned headboard and squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again.

Leo was still there, tall glass in one hand and a spoon in the other. "Open wide," he said with an amused smirk that made Shane realize that he was getting a laugh out of his reaction to his presence.

"Open wide," Leo repeated. "It's this or baby food."

Shane licked at his dry lips. His stomach ached with a pang that he suddenly recognized as hunger. He reached out to take the glass from Leo but it was withdrawn out of reach.

"Ah, ah, ah," Leo said in a singsong voice. He scooped a spoonful of the thick shake and offered it to Shane who sighed. He really couldn't stand being hungry anymore. He leaned forward and took in the proffered spoon between his parted lips, eyes focused on Leo.

Leo stared back, watching him intently. The shake was sweet and creamy; it slid down his throat easily, cooling the sore passage as it went down. He couldn't help the soft moan that escaped his lips and he was glad that Leo said nothing about it. The shake tasted of freshly blended strawberries and blueberries, definitely a little banana. There had to be some yogurt in there too, yum. He wondered where Leo had found all this food, certainly not his empty refrigerator...

He forced himself not to think. He couldn't make sense of what was happening anyway. For now, he would just focus on this simple act of eating.

Leo was attentive in his ministrations. He wouldn't let Shane stop when about half way through the glass, he'd tried to resist. "You're on narcotics," he said patiently, "and you're not used to them. Trust, me, you've got to eat something substantial."

Soon enough, Shane consumed the entire glass. He felt pleasantly full and leaned back, enjoying the coolness that still coated his throat. He breathed in and out softly, painfully aware of Leo's quiet presence next to him. He watched Leo place the empty glass on the nightstand and settle back next to him on the bed with a faint smile at him. "You got some rest?"

Shane nodded. He really had slept well. The wonders of modern medicine had eased the pain considerably, and now, with the food he'd just consumed, he was feeling better than he had in days.

"So did I pass?" he heard Leo ask in a light and airy tone.

He gave him a puzzled look.

"Your test, how did I do?" Leo asked in the same friendly tone. "Because it was a trick question, right? You were just testing me when you asked me to leave. Because after everything you and I have been through, there was no goddamn way you really wanted me to leave. So tell me, did I pass?"

Shane sensed, with sudden clarity, that he might have screwed up, again, in a major way.

"I'd like to think I passed," Leo said, answering his own question thoughtfully. "I'm still here so that counts for something, right? Is that a B minus in a letter grade or is that too much to ask for?"

Shane decided that Leo's questions must be rhetorical, so he wisely chose to remain quiet.

"See, when you asked me to leave, I figured one of two things -- either you meant it, you absolutely wanted me gone, wanted us over and done with, but I knew that was bullshit. I know you and I know you're not ready for this to end, not when every time we kiss and touch, it feels like we're igniting a fire in each other."

He paused, tilting his head questioningly at Shane. "So I considered the alternative, that you were testing me. I figured that you'd asked me to leave just to see what I'd do, how I'd react. So I took a chance and stayed. Now here I am..." he said, his voice rising in volume and intensity, "asking you to tell me how I did? If I passed this sick, sick test you've got going on here. If you meant it, if you weren't just fucking with me, and you really did want me to leave, well, I'd walk out of here, right now, and you'd never have to see me again."

Shane was on the verge of hyperventilating. He wanted Leo to stop talking this instant because what he was saying was breaking his heart into a million little pieces.

Leo continued relentlessly. "You've got to mean it, Shane, when you ask me to leave, because I will. You don't get to push me away because you think I'm going to hurt you. And you certainly don't get to end us, just because you're too chicken to deal with our shit."

He stopped talking, regarded Shane calmly for a few seconds, then resumed conversationally, "I'm not letting you go this time."

Shane could almost swear that he could feel his heart, just broken into a million pieces, starting to become whole again.

"I did a stupid thing once. I walked away from you. I don't know how many other ways there are to say this, but I'd say it in a hundred different languages, write it in a thousand songs, if it would only mean something to you. I am sorry."

Shane looked at Leo, finally daring to hold his gaze as the other man told him with a quiet intensity, "There's not one part of me that would rather be anywhere else but here with you. So when you ask me to leave, you're telling me that every part of you would rather be anywhere else but here with me."

Shane let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He was completely and utterly stunned at getting called out in this way. He'd been expecting aggressive confrontation from Leo, not this candid acknowledgement of how he'd hurt Shane and solemn inquiry into Shane's motives for asking him to leave.

"So when you ask me to leave, Shane," Leo said again, softly, "you've got to mean it. You know what you mean to me. You do. You may think otherwise but you've got to know or else you wouldn't have asked me to fly some thousand fucking miles overnight to be here with you."

Shane bit down on his lip, thinking hard.

Leo was right.

Damn it. He knew what he meant to Leo. He'd known that night that he could beckon and Leo would come. He knew there was something about him that made men want to lose themselves in him, fuck him, and possess him. He knew it was what brought Drew back to him always. It was what made the guy in blue so desperate to use him. It was what had brought Leo to his hotel room that first night, his front door the second time, and some thousand fucking miles to him this time.

He wasn't a victim, he realized. He knew just what he wielded over them and he played his games with them. Only, he'd been on a losing streak lately.

Guys like Leo, Drew and the SOB in blue weren't just attracted to him. They were his fucking type. He sought out power and authority. He yearned for Type-A, alpha males who pursued him with single-minded determination. He ached for dominant men who needed to be in control but he'd only ever feigned submission to them. He'd never really responded to any of his previous lovers' strength or control over him because, he realized, he'd been waiting for this.

Leo had done what no one else ever did. He stayed. Leo, who was so comfortable in his own skin that he was willing to lay himself bare like this before Shane and assert his desire for him at the same time. Without one cutting word, Leo was making him put down his armor without a fight and surrender.

Shane never realized all this time that he was simply waiting to surrender. He inhaled sharply and whispered with some difficulty, "You make me feel... and I don't know what to do with all those feelings..." Shane paused when he noticed that his hands were trembling again. He didn't try to hide them this time. He tried to reach for Leo's hand but he couldn't see, not with the blinding tears clouding his eyes.

Leo spoke softly when he realized Shane couldn't or wouldn't speak up. "How about you tell me something you really feel...?"

Shane said haltingly, "I don't... want you to leave."

"Is that your best shot?" Leo said flatly.

The gravity of Leo's cold response had Shane fearing suddenly that he'd done irreparable damage. He pushed away the covers and crossed over to the side of the bed where Leo sat. He knelt beside him while reaching for his hand to press a warm hard kiss into his palm. He spoke slowly, and for the first time that he could remember, was completely honest with himself and Leo. "You've got to understand," he said hoarsely, with as much truth as he could infuse in the words, "I don't always know how to express what I feel. I'm scared to be... to be vulnerable and I don't know what to do with my emotions. It seems easier to push you away before you... because I think it's what you want me to do..."

Leo was silent for a long moment, unresponsive and watching Shane closely, with those attentive brown eyes. He relented by finally lifting a hand over the curve of Shane's ear and sliding his fingers into soft blond hair. When he tightened his fingers, Shane leaned into his grip, curving his neck so his throat was bared to Leo who growled, "So you reject me before I get the chance to hurt you?"

Shane nodded reluctantly.

With his fingers still embedded in Shane's hair, Leo asked again, "You think feeling is so wrong?"

Shane blinked wide blue eyes, worried about the implications of admitting to that. He wasn't a robot. He felt things. He'd just learned to protect himself because he always got hurt when he gave in to feelings.

He felt Leo put his other hand on his neck, barely stroking the edges of his bruised throat and growling again with heightened intensity, "You have the right to feel and love and hate and reject whatever the fuck you want. Don't ever think you've got to go along with what I say just to spare my feelings. If we're in this together, you do and you say whatever the fuck you want. Your feelings, your opinions, your truth, that's what matters to me."

Shane nodded again.

Leo released his grip on Shane's hair but Shane found that he didn't want to end the intimate contact between them. He wanted to cling to Leo's confidence, his strength and possessiveness and for once, he didn't feel the need to hide it.

He climbed over Leo's legs to drape himself over him. He found Leo's mouth hungrily, curling his hands around the other man's broad shoulders and pushing down to grind their cocks together. He didn't feel Leo's hands on him and he realized that although Leo was slow to respond to him, his dick was hardening under him. He didn't stop. He needed to feel something other than Leo's anger and frustration at him. He knew how needy and wanton he was acting right now but he didn't care. Sex was one of the better ways they communicated. He knew he needed this sexual contact more than Leo and he realized that he no longer gave a damn that they both knew it

Finally, he felt Leo curl his fingers around his hips then slide up to grab the fleshy curves of his ass before pulling him down until they were pressed against each other. He let Leo take control then, resting his head against the man's neck as he was taken for a ride. He knew they wouldn't last, emotionally worked up and mentally drained as they both were. Still, this was what he needed; Leo had said he could do whatever the fuck he wanted, and he needed release. He rode down hard on Leo's dick, increasing the pace that Leo set as the soft cotton of his underwear slid against hard denim. He pressed a trail of wet kisses over Leo's neck until he got to Leo's mouth, where he opened his lips so Leo could push his tongue right in. He sucked on his man's tongue, stunned at how attractive he found Leo right then.

Screw the rock star image and sex god status the fans and media touted. The man was so fucking hot because he saw through Shane and his bullshit veneer and he was still here. Now that, as he felt Leo shudder and realized his own release was right behind, was the ultimate turn-on.

After their breakthrough of sorts the previous night, Shane had remained in Leo's arms; they hadn't talked, just touched and occasionally kissed. Eventually, Shane had taken another dose of pain meds and fallen asleep again.

This morning, Leo watched Shane pick at his oatmeal and work on his computer. Shane had received a call from his executive producer that Up Close and Personal had just been renewed by the network. Since he was in no shape to make calls, he'd been sending congratulatory emails to his team since then.

There was a fragile truce between them this morning. They both knew there was a lot of unfinished business between them, but for now, they were getting on agreeably, taking a break from all the conflict that sprang up between them yesterday.

Truth be told, his head was still spinning. Vegas was only one day ago but it might as well have been a week for all that had happened since he got here. He'd abandoned his tour without a second thought because Shane had crooked a finger at him.

He wasn't ashamed of his desire for Shane. He'd given into it from day one without any thought to reason or consequence. Shane was good at sex. Good for sex. He'd thought that was all he'd wanted from Shane... only, something changed when he'd found Shane's bruises, then something else happened when Shane asked him to leave. He couldn't pin down exactly what changed but Shane was no longer just for sex. He wanted Shane to be happy. He wanted Shane unharmed. He wanted Shane to tell him exactly what he wanted or needed and he wanted to make it happen for him. Christ, he wanted to put Shane's needs before his own.

What the fuck?

He watched the object of his attention lay sprawled on the couch, a small smile playing at his lips as he typed away. He was in pajama bottoms, a hint of fair butt cheeks peeked above the low riding waistband while his t-shirt had risen upwards to reveal a flat stomach and the beginnings of his ribcage. When Shane took in a spoonful of oatmeal, Leo found himself hoping he'd polish off the entire bowl. Was he crazy for being worried about Shane's eating habits now? Maybe he was, a little. He'd never been able to see Shane's clavicle and ribs like he did now. It couldn't just be the assault that made him lose weight... Then it clicked, that something must have triggered all this.

Something happened. Of course, that made perfect sense. Shane worried and fretted and probably stopped eating, stopped taking his calls last week and then decided to hook up with a stranger. He knew Shane. He wasn't impulsive. He thought everything through, second-guessing himself up till the last moment because practically nothing went unplanned with him. He remembered Shane telling him he didn't just sleep with anyone who showed up at his door and he'd bet his fortune that Shane also didn't do random hookups.

He watched Shane chuckle as an instant message pinged on the computer. He was almost sorry to interrupt his cheerfulness... almost. "Shane," he said softly. "I want to talk to you."

Shane threw him a wary look, but closed the laptop lid without delay and sat up to face him.

He didn't waste time cutting to the heart of the issue. "What the fuck happened last week? You stopped taking my calls and next thing, you're begging me to come down here, only to find you like this..." he said with a nod at Shane's injuries.

He watched Shane blink, bite his lip and stare at him in silence. He knew what this meant; Shane was weighing the truth against whatever he thought Leo wanted to hear. He waited patiently to see which the other man would choose to reveal to him.

"I didn't want to make you choose..." Shane said, his voice low and croaky.

It was his turn to blink. "What are you talking about?"

"Joni."

He was stunned into silence as he wondered what the fuck his ex-girlfriend had to do with Shane. "What are you talking about?" he repeated with a hint of impatience.

"I know, okay?' Shane said, also sounding impatient though Leo couldn't understand why.

"Know what?"

"You got back with Joni in Seattle."

Leo said flatly, "Well, that's news to me."

He watched Shane's jaw dropped. His mouth closed and opened several more times before he whispered, "What?"

Leo shrugged. "You tell me..."

"You were together in Seattle!"

"Really? For one thing, we were there three days, maybe four days, and I remember going to the hotel, the Key Center, a couple of radio stations... and the airport. No Joni in any one of these places. I'm pretty sure I'd remember."

Shane got up, took a few unsteady paces forward then backward again before sitting back on the couch with a loud thud. "There was a... I read a magazine... it had pictures... you two were together... I don't understand..."

Leo wanted to laugh out loud and he would've if not for the horror on Shane's face. The situation was almost comical, he realized soberly, a series of unfortunate events, if you will, if not for the fact that Shane had almost been killed.

He got up to join Shane on the couch, noticing that the other man was still stunned and staring off into space. He placed a hand on Shane's pajama clad knee and asked softly, "Which magazine?"

"Celeb Weekly."

"Ah, yes, that paragon of truth and integrity."

Shane flinched.

"Welcome to my world."

Shane sounded breathless when he protested, "How could they make that up?" He continued, visibly distressed, "They had photos. You were coming out of a restaurant with her, and Jake was right behind you. They weren't Photo-shopped. I know they were real."

"They've probably got photos of me and Joni in lots of places."

"There were sources that saw you two together..."

"Let me guess, unnamed onlookers?"

Shane flinched again.

He squeezed Shane's knee before saying, "They're allowed to do that, you know. Print stories, claiming anonymous sources and using totally unrelated photos."

Shane bit down on his lip. "I know that. I should've thought of that. I'm a journalist... I should've remembered. I should've-"

"You should've called."

His eyes widened and he turned to face Leo with a pleading look. "I thought you wanted her. I thought you needed to be... with a woman... I didn't want to make you choose..."

Leo sighed, trying to push past his frustration to explain a basic concept to Shane that also served as the biggest difference between them. "You can't make me do anything. Telling me what you want or how you feel doesn't mean I'm going to give in to you. It just means I become aware of your desires. If you thought I got back with Joni, you should've been pissed; demanded answers. Christ, Shane, all you had to do was say something!"

He watched Shane ponder his words like this was a new concept to him. He'd liked that Shane was shy and reserved. He'd admired the quiet confidence in the man that made him such a razor-sharp interviewer. But he didn't understand Shane's need in his personal life to go along with what others dictated for him. It occurred to him for the first time that someone in Shane's past might have been the cause of these extraordinarily heightened feelings of anxiety and insecurity. He idly hoped that person was firmly in the past.

"You should sue them for making up shit about you," Shane said suddenly. "I can't believe what they... fuck! You should take those bastards for everything they've got."

"I used to," Leo said, amused, "When I had a publicist, she and my lawyers would go after them to retract and apologize. When they refused, we'd sue. I won a couple of judgments but it wasn't really worth it. Fighting a magazine over a story just brought more attention to it, to me, so I just don't follow that stuff anymore... comes with the territory, I guess."

Shane nodded distractedly. He was flushed bright red and Leo knew Shane was very much aware of how badly he'd screwed up. He realized that his confusion about Shane was giving way once more to longing.

Shane hadn't deliberately set out to cheat on him. He'd thought he was getting even, and that, he understood. He realized they weren't just fucking around anymore. They were emotionally involved now, possessive about each other and everything they felt was too deep, too rich and way too intense to ignore. Right now, there was no one else for him, and he was pretty sure Shane felt the same way about him. Now, he just needed to be sure that Shane understood something if they were going to be involved this way.

"There's always going to be shit about me out there," he warned. "You've got to remember who I am. I'm famous. I'm rich. And that means there are many people who do not like me. I date a dozen women a week in the tabloids. I'm a heroin addict, a meth junkie and a pill popping asshole in the blogs. You can get your truth from them or you can get it from me. You have to choose if it's going to be a distraction for you or white noise-"

"It's white noise," Shane insisted quickly.

"Good." He reached for Shane's hand, and said something he'd said once before, "We're going to make this work."

Shane recalled a lazy morning in this apartment two months ago when his response to Leo's words had been a tentative, "Or at least we'll try." This time, he replied without hesitation, "Yes, we will."

Leo felt himself relax into the first genuine smile he'd had all day.

At lunch, Shane watched with undisguised astonishment as Leo chopped up fresh fruits with ease to make another smoothie. "Where did you learn to do that?" he asked.

Leo smirked as he took a break from slicing the tops off strawberries. "Detox facility up in Maine. They had some kind of holistic shtick; Eastern philosophies, yoga, meditation, vegetarian food... your body's a temple and all that shit... It was alright but part of therapy was taking classes on nutrition and learning to control what went into our bodies and I learned to do this... I suppose it was one of the better places I've rehabbed..."

Shane was surprised to note that this was the first time Leo was freely volunteering information about his past substance abuse and rehab issues.

"I try to keep up with some of what I learned, eating clean... but not everything, of course," he added with a wink to Shane as he reached for his ever present pack of cigarettes.

"So," Shane said with a smile as his Leo inserted a stick into his mouth. "I take it your body isn't a temple?"

Leo shrugged, as he put the pack down. "Mine isn't, but yours..." He studied Shane carefully, his gaze slowly moving up and down, lingering on the blond's relaxed pose before him.

"I'd worship at your temple, anytime." he said, letting his voice get slightly husky.

Shane laughed and looked away self-consciously. Leo's perusal of him brought it all rushing back- the way they'd been when they first met, all heat and passion and very few complications. It blew him away that despite his mistakes, Leo still wanted him. For one thing, it was two-thirty in the afternoon and he'd just woken up from a long nap. His hair was a mess with sleep lines across his face. He was wearing old socks, faded sweatpants and a baggy tee. His bruised neck was now a blotchy mess of yellow and purple. Yet, Leo wanted him.

As he watched the rock star pour a scoop of protein powder into the blender, his toes curved against the cool floor beneath his feet as he felt his half-dead ego swelling with pride, that he still had it.

Leo was leaving soon. Shane tried to ignore the dread that was rising in the pit of his stomach. He leaned back against the mirror, perched on the edge of the bathroom countertop and watched Leo through the frosted glass separating them.

"So I don't have to go back to work for another month and a half..."

Leo went still in the shower. "That's good, right?" he said.

"Yes," Shane said. "Yes, it is."

Leo yanked the shower door open. "What's wrong? You get to stay home and rest, no one finds out about your injury..."

"Sure," Shane replied after some hesitation. "It's just that, well--"'

Leo stepped out and wrapped a towel around his waist. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to stay home," Shane said.

Leo sighed, "No offense, Shane, but you sound like a frog with a very bad sore throat. You can't go back to work like this..."

"No," Shane cut in quickly, "I don't want to go back to work, not right now, anyway." He paused, considering his next words carefully, "It's just the last time you were here, well, I thought, maybe you wouldn't mind me..."

Leo's grip on the towel went slack. Was Shane asking him what he thought he was? His eyes narrowed and he urged, "Yes?"

Shane ducked his head shyly. He was fighting every instinct in himself to hold back. It was all new to him, being vulnerable, showing Leo that he was not, in fact, self-sufficient and that he did actually need something from him. His fear of judgment and rejection had kept him firmly behind a self-built barrier, but now, Leo was forcing him to breach the walls.

Leo approached him thoughtfully. He placed his hands on both sides of the countertop, trapping Shane in between, and leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. "Imagine you and me," he began softly, his breath coming out warm against Shane's lips. "Doing this thing. No fear, no games, no gimmicks. Just you and me being honest with each other..."

Shane let his mouth fall open, and Leo licked into it. His tongue skimmed past Shane's lower lip, grazed his teeth and then slid over his tongue. It was a long, slow, dizzying kiss, and Shane eventually felt the need for oxygen so he pulled back.

"You're taking my breath away," he murmured.

Leo chuckled. "Literally?"

Shane rolled his eyes and rested his forehead on Leo's shoulder.

Leo ran his hands up and down Shane's bare back. He'd been surprised to come out of the shower to find Shane right there, naked and waiting for him. "Tell me what you want," he said

He brought his palm up, tracing the nape of Shane's neck. Pulling back slightly, Shane was forced to look at him and he stared back with a questioning brow. "Well?" he said in an encouraging tone.

Shane spoke quickly, his words tumbling over each other. "I want to come along with you on tour. I've got nothing else to do over the next month or so and if you don't mind, I'd like to tag along. It's okay if you've changed your mind... really... I wouldn't..."

Leo cut Shane off by gently palming his cheek. "You only had to ask," before crushing their mouths together.

They were touching from shoulder to waist, and it felt wonderful, but Shane wanted more. He broke the kiss and moved closer still to wrap his legs loosely around Leo. He'd stayed naked for a reason.

"Shane..." Leo's said in a rough and warning tone.

"Don't treat me like a fucking victim." Shane said hoarsely. "You've barely touched me since you got here. I need you, not just here with me. I want you to make love to me... I want you."

Leo didn't waste any time arguing. He stepped back so Shane could reach down into the drawer beneath them. He handed a tube of lube to Leo then leaned back, pulling his legs up on the counter then parting them widely.

Leo was distracted, staring at the pink furrow between Shane's open thighs. The wanton spread of creamy flesh before him was so enticing, he found himself handling the bottle of lube clumsily.

"Are you sure we shouldn't head to the bedro..." he asked, but his words were cut off abruptly when Shane snatched the tube from his hand and pumped a thick squirt into palm.

"Get on with it already," he was told. He moved quickly then, palming his hardening cock with a wet and slippery hand. He pulled Shane roughly, noting the glint of amusement in his lover's eyes. Shane loved a little manhandling.

When he inserted one finger into his Shane's hole, he wondered if it was odd that he felt so gratified to find it puckered close and tight? It barely yielded to accommodate one of his fingers. He pushed in deeper to the sound of Shane's drawn out moan, then added a second one after a little while to scissor him open. Their faces were barely inches apart, and every husky breath that he exhaled was inhaled by Shane. He pulled out both fingers, squeezed on some more lube, then pushed back in.

Shane panted heavily, but Leo kept pushing in, squirming and wriggling his fingers until they finally pushed in and out easily. He glanced down between them. Shane's asshole looked flushed and dusky now. It was glistening with lube and stretched open around his fingers. He didn't think he'd ever been more turned on in his life. Shane watched him with wide eyes, bright and even more blue than usual. His lips were wet and swollen and he kept biting down, turning them a dark cherry red. Leo couldn't resist. He angled forward just a little bit and snagged Shane's bottom lip between his. He sucked on it, at the same time keeping up the scissoring motion of his two fingers still inside Shane.

"Leo..." Shane whimpered.

He opened up Shane deeper with his fingers and growled, "I love the way you say my name." He knew his cock was leaking furiously, but he fucking loved doing this, loved the heat clenching around him as he opened up Shane with his fingers.

A breathy moan from his lover reminded him that he needed to speed this up. He pulled out both fingers from inside Shane, sniffing, then tasting them, to Shane's amused gaze. Then he reached behind to palm the soft roundness of Shane's ass cheeks, sliding him closer on sleek granite to the edge of the countertop. Hooking Shane's legs over his shoulders, he lined up the tip of his cock to Shane's hole. He was gentle, knowing how long it'd been since they'd done this. Since Shane had done this with anyone but him, apparently...

He pushed in slowly; the heat of Shane's body pulsing around him was incredibly intimate. His entry was so slow and tight. More than once, he wondered if he should keep pushing on, with how constricted Shane felt around him, but he kept adding more lube to his cock and eventually, the only thing he saw when he looked down were his heavy balls pushing up against Shane's plump ass. He paused now that he was fully sheathed, bowing his head to suck once more on Shane's incredibly full lips and tongue, waiting till he got the okay to move.

When he did, he made sure Shane had a good grip on the countertop before tentatively pulling out then pushing back in again. He wished Shane could see himself the way he saw him – sexy and so beautiful, with tendrils of hair sticking to his face and sweat dripping down his forehead onto his chest and nipples. He reached his hands to clench Shane's ass tighter and part them wider as soon as his hips rolled forward to maximize their pleasure.

Shane moaned and let his head fall back against the mirror. Leo felt him coax his muscles into action, his ass and hips working overtime as he helped to push himself up and down Leo's thick length. Leo gradually sped up his rhythm, rocking in and out with quick shallow thrusts only to slow down and change rhythm again. When he got in balls deep again, he looked down to see the curly hairs at the base of his cock looking so dark against the delicate skin surrounding his lover's hole. He was in so deep, his cock nestled so tight in delicious heat, that the only way to go, was back out again. "Fuck, yeah," he moaned at the sensation of pulling out then filling Shane to the hilt.

He couldn't resist wanting to see more, not just his cock penetrating Shane, but also where they were joined. He pressed deep into his lover then stopped, pulling Shane fully against him until his head rested against his shoulder. In this position, Shane was fully supported by him and folded in half; head, ass and legs flush against his own body. He watched the stretch of skin against the knobs of Shane's spine in the mirror and he used his fingers, tan against the pale skin of Shane's butt, to lift him up, a few inches, off the countertop. His cock pulled out a little, with a wet sound, and Shane moaned softly.

He saw in the mirrored reflection how Shane's small furl of a hole had stretched out widely to accommodate him. He parted the butt cheeks in his hands wider, rolling his hips in deep strokes, to watch his dick penetrate Shane. He slid a hand to finger the tender ring of muscle sheathing his cock. Shane took all of him like he was made for his cock.

He felt Shane sucking on his neck, licking sweat and moisture and he resumed pumping him up and down on his cock again. In the mirror, he could admire the graceful curve of Shane's back and the smooth globes of flesh that enthusiastically pulled and pushed on his dick. He wished he could keep Shane like this, clinging to him and taking his dick inside him, but his orgasm awaited.

He placed Shane back gently on the counter, moving his legs off his shoulder into a wide V posture, and then began thrusting into him in earnest. His hand slid from Shane's hip up to his waist where he held him tight and bounced him on his cock eagerly. Shane's hand scrabbled for purchase on the counter and as a particularly loud groan escaped his lips, Leo knew he'd hit the perfect spot.

Shane pushed down on him encouragingly, letting out groans of pleasure and in return he responded with eager thrusts, hoping to hit the right spot again and again. He rutted hard and fast, reaching down to part Shane's legs and ass wider until they were spread apart parallel on the counter. Christ, Shane was built for his dick.

He noticed all of a sudden that Shane couldn't control the spasms that erupted within him with each push deep inside him. Leo watched him whimper, overwhelmed but still greedy for more of Leo's forceful thrusts into him. The only thing keeping Shane from slipping off the counter was the slide of Leo's cock into his ass.

Leo knew it took Shane by surprise when he pulled his cock out of him completely. He leaned over Shane, gripping his cock tightly in his hand and teased Shane's hole with feather light strokes. "I'm too close," he whispered, his voice deep and rough and eyes darkened with lust. "I want to make this last."

Shane nodded and felt blindly for his own cock. He wanted this to last too, but fuck. He let Leo pull him off the counter, barely able to stand on his own two feet with jelly legs until Leo stepped in close and supported him. He tried to palm his hard, leaking dick but Leo pushed his hand away, setting both hands to rest on the edge of the counter. Then he parted Shane's ass once more, and entered him with one smooth, deep thrust, pausing only when his balls brushed against Shane's ass. He leaned forward to grasp Shane's cock and pulled it, jerking it rough and fast, in tune to the steady rhythm of his now moving hips.

"Look at us," he growled into Shane's ear, before a licking a stripe of sweat off his shoulder and nipping the skin lightly with teeth. "We're fucking great together."

Shane couldn't help the chuckle that slipped out when he realized all the ways Leo meant that.

He felt his orgasm build as Leo rode him hard and fast, skin slapping loudly against skin as the slide of thick cock into his hole pushed him forward and back. It wasn't long before he came loudly into Leo's palm, his come overflowing wildly over Leo's fingers, onto the counter top and his gasps came out short and breathy.

Leo didn't miss a beat. He kept moving, fucking Shane through his orgasm in pursuit of his own release. Shane pushed back, allowing Leo's movements lift him to tiptoes in an effort to penetrate him completely. He was loosely pliant, blissful in the afterglow of his orgasm and watching Leo through heavy lidded eyes as Leo worked his ass up and down. The sheen of sweat all over them and slapping sounds of skin against skin was pornographic.

Leo pressed into Shane hard, one last time, as his dick began pulsing inside the tight passage. He'd thought he wanted to pull out and come on Shane's back and ass, smear his come over the other man's skin and see the evidence of his desire on his lover, but now there was no question what he wanted.

He pressed a hand lightly to Shane's back and the other man, so in tune with him, leaned forward and over the counter so he could grip Shane's ass tighter, pulling him in firmly, as if there was anywhere else for him to go but up against him. He had a feeling, as his balls tightened, that this would be the best, longest, hardest orgasm he'd ever had.

He began shuddering violently, hips screwing in deeply and pulling Shane up and hard against him. He'd lifted Shane by the hips, so his feet were no longer on the floor and he filled him up so quickly that milky come leaked out with each backward pull of his cock out of Shane's ass. His release seemed never ending, soaking into his curly hairs and dripping onto the floor where Shane's feet should've been. He'd never felt so primal about owning Shane like this, filling him and depositing every last drop of his essence into him.

"Fuck," He groaned when he was finally done before sliding forward onto Shane's sweat slicked back. He felt Shane clench his ass and he groaned at the sensation against his sensitive cock.

"I think I need a nap," Shane declared sleepily.

"Maybe later," Leo said, "we've got shower again then get going." He felt Shane stiffen in his arms so he pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck then pulled him up in his arms until they were standing up again, still joined with Leo inside Shane. He stared at the reflection in the mirror until he caught Shane's wide blue gaze with his own, and asked casually, "You still want to do this, right? Go on tour with me?"

Shane fought against every innate instinct in him to change his mind. Leo watched him, half amused, expecting to be rebuffed when Shane surprised him with a dazzling grin, "I sure do!"