Okay This story contains sexual acts between two females if this offends you then don't read it. If you are not 18 or whatever the age maybe where your from, don't read it. If you just don't like the idea of a loving relationship between two ladies, go somewhere else. Don't read it. The characters are not real. Any similarities are just that.
I still have many, many chapters to go. Let me know what you think so far. Good or bad. Thank you so much to everyone who has written me giving me much needed encouragement to keep writing. I have made many friends and hope to find even more. I love to write so you will have a lot of reading if you check back in.
As always, enjoy.
Amanda
upside_umop_insideout
Part 4
This Is So Hard
"I want you, God I want you. I just... I want all of you." She said quietly, turning her head to look at Emily.
Emily sighed deeply, knowing what it was Alexis was saying. "Damn it, Alex." Emily said pulling herself off of Alex. "Damn it. If... if you felt like that... you know my situation." Emily spouted off as she got off the bed and began to gather up her clothes. "Why'd you let it get this far?" She practically yelled stopping in front of Alexis. She was fuming.
"Emily, please. Come back to bed, I... I didn't mean it. Please, I... I'm sorry, sweetie." Alexis was so confused. She didn't think, didn't expect this reaction.
"This, this is not easy for me. I know what I am and I am tired of running from it. Do you think if I thought my marriage had ANY hope that I would be here, naked asking you to take me? To make love to me?" Emily said, her voice straining with emotion, flinging her hands with each word. "I love you Alex. I don't know what's going to happen or what tomorrow will bring. And right now I can't promise you anything other than the promise that no matter what happens I love you and that even if only for this moment, I am completely yours." Emily's knees buckled as tears streamed down her cheeks. "Why can't you accept that?" Emily said as she looked up at Alexis, her vision blurred by tears.
Alexis lowered herself onto the floor and took Emily's head in her hands. It killed her to know that she was the cause of the tears that stained Emily's face. She had tried to avoid Emily for so long, Alexis was so afraid of how she felt about Emily. She had never felt something so completely overwhelming and it was made worse with the knowledge that it could never be. Yet, here was her love, literally in her hands, crying; crying tears of hurt and anger that Alexis had caused.
"Oh, baby, please, please don't cry." Alexis said, using her thumbs to wipe away her tears, she pulled Emily on her lap. Emily snuggled her naked form into Alexis, their bodies molding together as she sobbed into Alexis's shoulder.
"Please, forgive me. I have been fighting this too. I put myself of the defensive for so long that I guess I am still fighting it. I want to accept that, to accept your love. I just never thought... I never thought it was possible for someone like you to love me. And this is all so new, happening so fast. But God knows I want this. I want you. I won't lie I want all of you. It's hard to know that all I have is now. And if right now is all you can ever give me," Alexis said softly as she tilted Emily's chin upward until their eyes met, "if right now is all we ever have, it will be something that I will cherish forever."
Alexis leaned down, kissing Emily's forehead, then her eye lids. Emily's eyes locked with Alexis's as Alexis dried away her tears, before pulling her into a slow tender kiss. The only sound was their breathing and the music that they had both long quit hearing. Their world contained only their two bodies, their two hearts beating as one. Slowly, she lifted Emily and brought her to their bed.
Neither of them said a word, neither needed to. Emily's eyes locked with Alexis's as she laid her upon the bed, before easing her weight on top of Emily. Their eyes never separated as Alexis's hands traveled between there two bodies. She let her fingers graze Emily's hard nipples, rolling them between her thumb nail and forefinger.
Emily felt her body begin to heat up again as Alexis's hand slowly traveled down her body. "Alexis." She whispered as Alexis lightly rubbed her tummy. She had heard of eyes that looked straight into your soul and she knew that at that very moment that's exactly what Alexis was doing. She could feel the love that flowed from it freely.
Alexis leaned in and began to kiss Emily, daring her break their stare. It was so erotic. Emily had never kissed someone while staring at them. Her heart swelled. Alexis leaned back as her hand drifted farther between them. Her eyes searched Emily's for an hesitation, but found none. Emily smiled, not just with her lips but her whole face. That was all she needed.
Alexis moaned inwardly as her fingers danced over the Emily's naked flesh as she reached her cleanly shave sex. She could feel the heat coming from her and she knew that Emily needed this as much as she herself did. She wasted no time exploring, there would be time for that later. Alexis gently but quickly sank her fingers into Emily's wetness. Emily gasped at sudden intrusion before pushing against Alexis's hand.
Alexis rocked her hand back and forth, easily sliding her two fingers in and out of Emily's dripping wet pussy. Emily felt as if every nerve in her body was connected to the hand between her legs. Emily moaned as Alexis's fingers curled slightly, rubbing against her g-spot. She felt familiar warmness grow with each thrust of Alexis's hand. Her eyes still pierced Emily's soul. Emily wrapped her legs around Alexis's hips and brought her body up to meet the thrust of her hand. Alexis knew she was getting close, she could feel Emily's breast pushing against her, her breathing coming fast and faster. Alexis flicked her thumb against Emily's clit and the light touch was enough to send her over the edge. Emily moaned loudly as her climax washed over her never breaking eyes contact with Alexis. It was the most intense orgasm she had ever experienced.
Alexis's fingers slowed but didn't stop playing with her. "I love you, Emily. No matter what happens, I love you."
Emily smiled, half conscious with post orgasmic bliss, her eyes felt heavy as she looked at her new lovers face. "And I you." Was all she could say before sleep over came her.
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Emily knew it was over, long before the time ever came. Emily was ready for it to be. She was ready to start over. She sighed deeply as she watched her babies sleep. How would this affect them? Brant wasn't even four yet and he absolutely adored his father. She watched the steady rise and fall of his chest, looking so peaceful as he slept. God, he looked like his daddy. Her heart hurt as she looked at him, knowing that this wouldn't just change her life but that of her two kids.
It wasn't always like this. They had been happy, once so far back. After Emily started school, things began to change. She never could figure out what it was. He had always wanted her to go back to school. Two years later she realized it was both of them that had changed. Even before Alexis, things had changed.
Emily smiled at the thought of her lover. She still didn't know where it would lead but she was ready to face it head on. Emily sighed, she had never felt a love so intense. As much as the ending of her marriage saddened her, the thought of Alex thrilled her to her core. Emily wasn't sure how anyone would take the two of them. It was apparent by the kids sleeping in front of her that once upon a time she had been `normal' by society's standards. She knew that this would be a hard road to travel. "Lord, what am I going to do?" She prayed silently as she took a deep breath to steady her nerves.
"Mark, we need to talk." Emily heard her self say as she walked into his study. He looked almost relieved as he sat back from his work.
"You are right we do. Please sit, Emily." He said looking over at her as she stood in the doorway.
"I think I rather stand." She said defiantly, placing her hands on the leather chair in front of her.
"Suit yourself. Emily, this has been a long time coming. I can't pretend anymore. My heart hasn't been in this marriage for a long time. I am ready to move on with my life. I want a divorce." Mark said mater-of-fact-ly. "I am leaving tonight and I will be back for the rest of my things later."
Out of the corner of her eye, Emily saw his bags sitting on the couch on the far wall. How had she missed those when she walked in? She slid around the chair and into it, her knees threatening to give out under her. Slowly she took a deep breath. This was what she wanted too, so why was this hitting her so hard. God she felt like she was going to be sick. "I want a divorce." That wasn't a questions or even a statement it was something that he was going to do. This is what she wanted, Emily told her self over and over again.
"Emily? Did you hear me?" Marks voice brought her from her thoughts. "I told you not to worry about anything. I will continue to pay the bills and for your schooling. I owe you that much, you helped me get through school. After you graduate, we will decide what to do. Sound fair enough?"
Emily numbly nodded her head. She didn't know what to say or to think. She wanted an out and now she had it. It just wasn't the way she had planned. She wasn't sure how she wanted things to go but this defiantly wasn't it. She was no longer in control, that had slipped out of her grasp the moment she walked in the room.
"Yes, fine." Emily mumbled. She was a mess of emotions. Part of her wanted to scream at him, to tell him how wrong he was to do this to her, to their family. The other part wanted to jump up and down and kiss him, to tell him thank you, cause she was off the hook.
"There is enough money in the bank for whatever you or the kids need. I promised them a while back that I would take them to the beach house after school was out. I think it will be a good to just make a clean break till then. Give each other some time. I will take them for the week and you can take a vacation or what have you." Mark said as he stood and walked towards his bags. "Tell them that I love them for me, will you?" He lifted his bags and walked towards Emily. "I am sorry it worked out this way, Emily." He said as she looked up at him. She believe that he truly was.
Emily sat for a long time in that chair, afraid to move, afraid everything would crumble if she did. How did this night get so turned around? How many emotions can one person go through in one day? Emily was exhausted, totally and completely. Physically, spiritually, mentally. Slowly, a single tear trailed down her face as she watched dawn's light filtering through her window. She wouldn't cry, she couldn't cry. This is what she wanted, wasn't it? She wouldn't have to worry about anything, not even her schooling. He had made it so easy for her. So what was the problem?
"Mommy?" a small voice called out to her. Emily turned towards the door as her little girl stumbled over her chubby legs squeezing into the forbidden room, sleep still filling her eyes.
"Come here, sweetie." Emily called out to her. Piper looked around the room to make sure daddy wasn't hiding waiting to scold her for being here. When she realized it was clear, she scrambled across the room and onto Emily's lap. Piper wrapped her arms around Emily's neck. She gave the best hugs, practically melting into you. As Piper squeezed her, Emily finally let in. Her tears overwhelmed her as she hugged her daughter to her chest.
Emily woke to the feel of small hands tugging on her shirt sometime later. "Mommy, are we going to Ms. Green's house, mommy?" Brant had to be the smartest four year old she had ever met. She swore he could carry on a conversation with any adult and keep them on their toes.
"Oh, God what time is it?" Emily groaned to herself, realizing the warm body that had fallen asleep against her while she cried was gone.
"It's time to go mommy. You're late. The show that comes on when we leave is on now." Brant looked at her seriously. She looked over at him and other than he was in need of a good hair brushing, Brant was totally dress, including socks and shoes. She loved how independent he was, but wished he didn't try to grow up so fast. "Pipe's ready too, but she needs her face cleaned, she's got banana everywhere."
"Did you make yourself breakfast, Brant?" Emily sat there stunned and horrified as he nodded proudly. "How come you didn't wake mommy up, sweetie?"
"Piper said you were tired. That you cried cause you had to sleep. I always cry when I have to sleep too. It's cause I am tired. So I thought you were tired, mommy." He said, so sure of himself.
"Next time, wake mommy up, okay?" Emily smiled at him, though she was dreading what messes awaited her. She looked at the clock and realized that if she hurried, she could get the kids to the sitter and her to school in an almost timely manner. Emily kicked into mommy mode and was off. Within minutes, she had finished dressing the kids, washed up and changed and was out the door. The kids had done a number on the house, not horrible, but it would definitely need a good cleaning when she got home.
Running only a few minutes behind, Emily dropped the kids at the sitters and quickly jumped back into the car. It was then everything came crashing down on. Emily tried to calm her nerves as she drove, ignoring the part of her that screamed at her to speed up, to hurry. Breathing long deep breathes, Emily tilted her chin up and put her shoulders back. She drove at dangerous speeds the short distance to school, she just needed to see Alexis.
Emily ran across campus at break necked speeds. She knew how her professor felt about students being late, but that was at the back of her mind. Emily needed Alexis, needed her smile. She needed to know that everything would be okay. Emily's chest burned with the need for oxygen and her throat tightening with tears that didn't make it to the surface. She looked at her watch as she neared the building and was happy to find that she had five minutes to spare. That was five minutes to find Alexis and fall into her. She knew that it would take her the whole five minutes to just catch her breath, that was now coming in short gasp.
Emily made her way into the building and down the hall, her eyes searching for Alexis, hoping to find her in the hall. Emily elbowed past students slowly making their way to class and stopped and looked towards their normal seats. There she was leaning against a chair, her back towards Emily, chatting with some friends a few seats back. Emily vaulted the stairs two at a time till she reached their row and stopped. She swallowed back the tears that threatened to over take her. She knew there was no way she could make it through this or any other class today. Not today.
Alexis's smiling face casually turned her head towards Emily and instantly stopped smiling. "What is it Emily?" She asked quickly crossing the few feet between them. Emily's breath was still coming in big gulps. Emily pulled Alexis to her, she just needed to be held. "Baby, what's the matter?" Alexis soothing voice asked her as her hand's stroked Emily's hair. "You want to get out of here?" Alexis knew something was wrong, seriously wrong. Emily was always composed and seemed so strong. She didn't wait for an answer before she was grabbing her bag and Emily's hand, pulling her out of the lecture hall.
Alexis practically dragged Emily out of the building and across the open court yard. She turned and walked between two buildings that opened up into a beautiful meditation garden. "Now tell me what's going on." Alexis demanded, her voice strained with concern.
"Mark left me." Emily said, looking at her hand that was still wrapped in Alexis's.
Alexis strained to hear her and when she did she was completely confused. "Mark left you?"
Emily nodded silently, afraid her voice would betray her. "Isn't that what you wanted?" Alexis asked her.
Emily again answered silently and shook her head. "What the fuck, Emily! Talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours! Just yesterday you were confessing your love for me and now you are crying because the man who you said you no longer loved left you? Help me out here because I am totally confused." Alexis was trying her hardest not to get pissed but she couldn't keep the edge from her voice.
Emily let go of Alexis's hand and walked past her towards the koi pond. "I don't know. I am so confused. It is over. It has been for a long time. But it was such a big part of my life for so long. He was a big part of my life." Emily said as tears slid down her face. She felt Alexis walk behind her. She turned and looked into those wonderfully brown eyes.
"So tell me what happened. Did he find out about us? What was it?" Alexis asked softening her voice.
Emily shook her head, trying to shake off the memory of last night. "I... I went in there to tell him. I was going to tell him I... that I am... that I am in love with someone else. He just beat me to the punch. He said he wants a divorce." Emily said looking at Alexis's feet.
"Baby, I am sorry if I am missing something. I know he's been a part of you for many years, but if he just beat you to what you already planned on saying, then what's the problem?"
Emily's own laugh sounded hollow in her own ears. "I don't know. I don't know. What is wrong with me? I don't know. I should be happy, ecstatic even. He gave me an out. Now I don't have to feel guilty about the kids or breaking up the marriage or any of it." Emily actually began to laugh as tears ran down her cheeks. "God, I'm a mess." She said as she leaned into Alexis and laid her head on her shoulder. Emily stood quietly just needing to feel Alexis holding her. Emily took a deep breath. She knew why she was such a mess but she didn't want to admit it to her self much less anyone else.
"Say whatever it is your thinking." Alexis said as she ran her hands through Emily's short hair. She had no way of knowing that was the best way to relax Emily.
Emily nodded feeling completely at ease in Alexis's arms. She began to talk into her shoulder. "I guess... I guess it's just hard to know that I wasn't enough for him. That I couldn't make him happy. And I worry if the same thing will..." Alexis pulled back and brought Emily's eyes to her own.
"You don't have to worry about that, Emily. I love you."
"He loved me at one time, too, Alex. I worry that it's not enough, that it won't last. I worry that I can't keep you happy. I love you and can't stand the thought of losing you, ever."