Want

Title: Want. Author: Jezebel the Temptress Feedback: eh_oh_po@yahoo.com

Disclaimers: I do not know any of the celebrities mentioned herein, this has no element of truth to it. This is no reflection on their true sexualities or personalities of Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass or any others mentioned. Tim Caldwell is a fictional character, any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental. If you are underage for your area or if it is illegal for you to look at this why not go somewhere else.

Tim

Okay, I hadn't lied to Justin when I said that I had to check my e-mails and contact Adam but I had overestimated how popular I was. No one had sent me anything, with the exception of the type of Junk that you can immediately delete and Camille wasted no time in telling me that Adam was out of the country and would be for a week yet.

So after only an hour of being alone I was bored.

Justin's lap top didn't really hold a lot of appeal, and there are only so many games of solitaire that you can play before you start to lose the plot. Even making a new game of it and trying to beat my own high score got tedious after a few more hands.

I tried watching TV but it didn't hold my attention for very long. Apparently the programmers think that no one is watching during the day, or no one but the unemployed and housewives because it was a string of chat shows, soap operas and endless drivel that reminded me why I had never bothered with a television before.

Eventually I turned back to Justin's laptop. I hadn't surfed the internet in a long time and I was sure that there had to be something out there on the information super highway that would keep me entertained for a few hours.

Now, I'm the first to admit that I don't know a lot about computers, or the internet for that matter, I'm probably one of the youngest people that can say they didn't learn a lot about Information Technology at School and I know that things have come a long way since then. I didn't really have much of an idea of where to go or how to get there but I did notice that Justin was obviously a lot more into this than I was. He had a few pages already bookmarked and I wondered if this would give me an insight into what he liked to do. It was a sad indictment on our relationship but I didn't know him that well despite the fact that we had been together a few months.

I wasn't particularly surprised to find a few fan sites, ones that were dedicated to Nsync. I wondered if Justin went online as himself sometimes and messed with the minds of his fans. If I were popular enough to have my own fansites I would probably do just that but I didn't have an ego big enough to think that there would be more than a brief mention of me on the Internet Movie Database.

There was a few sites that made me wonder though. Things that I wasn't aware Justin would be interested in.

Why would Justin want to read erotic stories?

I clicked on the link, aware that it might bring up a dubious porn site, but was surprised at the relative simplicity of the site. Even the name did not really suggest that it held anything of a sexual content.

When the page fully loaded I could barely contain my smile.

Justin was reading stories about Nsync. Not just any stories but erotic stories. This had to be worth a joke or too when he got back.

My curiosity took a hold as I wondered exactly which of the stories on offer he was reading. I knew enough about computers to find the history and checked on the most recently visited pages. I found quite easily the ones that he was reading and more interestingly those that he appeared to have read more than once.

The first one didn't really surprise me, it was a little predictable, a gay designer meeting Justin and falling in love with him, it was sweet but not really anything above average. Josh featured in it too and I wondered if Justin had liked those scenes too.

The next story on Justin's list was more well-read. There was a lot of chapters to it and I scanned a few of them, getting involved with the characters and realising that they were actually quite true to life. It was when I got a few chapters in that I realised that this was a story more about Josh than anyone else.

I should have guessed from the title that it would be.

What I had not expected was the chapters where Justin, Josh and the lead character Jack had sex.

When I clicked back I realised that most of the stories that Justin was reading were about Josh or featured him in them. The most worrying were the ones that had Justin and Josh together in them.

I shut the computer down quickly as soon as I realised what I had just seen.

Whether he knew it or not Justin was fantasising about Josh, was using these stories as a way to live out those ideas of them together and indulge on the dream that they were a couple and by the looks of it the sites had all been accessed in the last few days.

Was this what Justin really wanted?

Was I just a stop gap until he got a chance with Josh?

I didn't think that Justin was that callous, he knew that Josh wanted him and had felt truly betrayed when Josh had hurt me.

Were his feelings for JC the reason that Justin had felt his betrayal so bitterly?

I knew that Justin loved me and that he wanted to be with me or else he would not have come after me in the first place. But I wondered now if I was enough for him.

Josh was on the road with Justin and was here for him 24/7 when I would not be able to be. The pair of them had a long history together and a friendship that most people only ever dream of having. Josh was perhaps one of the only people that knew exactly what it was like for Justin to be where he was and had been through everything that Justin had been.

How could I live up to that?

And more importantly, if it came down to a battle of me versus Josh, How would I win?

There were really too many questions to answer and even more came to me as I sat there dwelling on what I had seen. They were still swarming around my mind three hours later when Justin got back.

Justin

I should have known that something was up that morning when Tim was so abrupt with me but I had just put it down to a hangover. Over the years I had gotten used to waking up from a night out and being chipper first thing. It was a survival technique that you develop early on if you want to succeed in a business that never sleeps. When I returned I didn't expect Tim's morning gripes to have developed into a full blown mood but he barely even acknowledged me as I entered the room.

I like to think that I am an easygoing guy, that I accept most things, so at first I put it down to a bad mood. We all have off days and maybe this was one of his but as soon as I tried to cheer him up Tim got madder than I had ever seen him before.

"Don't." Tim spat out as I placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to offer some comfort. He shrugged my hand off and then stood, running a hand across his face and letting out a sigh. "Just don't...I'm just not in the mood tonight." Tim said gruffly.

I hadn't wanted to add to whatever stress he was under but I wanted to help. I loved Tim and I was a great believer that a problem shared was a problem halved. I didn't know if he had had some bad news while I was out or if he was just in a bad mood butthere was obviously something wrong. Maybe Tim just needed to know that I was there.

"Okay." I said. "I won't touch you, but if you want to talk about what's bothering you..." I trailed off because I saw Tim's shoulders tense.

"I need to get out of here." Tim said, grabbing a jacket and heading for the door.

I knew by the tone of his voice that he was angry and had visions of something bad happening if he stepped out of the door. I didn't want him to leave and I certainly didn't want him to leave angry like this. If he walked out the door in this mood part of me questioned if he would come back.

"You can't leave like this." I replied, standing and trying to restrain him with a hand on his arm. "At least tell me what has gotten you so angry."

Tim huffed and turned to face me, his face burning red with anger. I could tell that he was not in the best mood to have a free and frank discussion but whatever it was we needed to air it now before things got worse. If the whole situation with Josh had taught me anything it was that letting a hurt fester only made it harder to deal with in the long run.

"Fine." He spat out. "You want to know what I'm upset about?" He asked.

I didn't have a chance to answer before he continued.

"I want to know why my lover has stories about someone else on his harddrive, why he's not only looking at erotica but that it is about his colleague and former best friend."

My heart stopped as I realised exactly what Tim meant. I had lent him my laptop without thinking about what was on there and now I realised that it could be misinterpreted as something other than the curiosity that had led me to those sites in the first place.

"I want to know why I'm not enough of a man for my lover that he has to go elsewhere to get what he needs."

The words registered with me, as did the slight hitch in Tim's voice and I knew that it was not only anger that I was facing, Tim also had some deep seated insecurities about our relationship and this was telling him that he was right to doubt us.

"Tim, I swear, it's not what you think..." I began.

"You don't want Josh?" He asked me bluntly, I had to admit that I hadn't expected that question.

I knew that Tim valued honesty and I needed to tell him the truth.

"I'm with you." I replied. "I love you."

"But you still want him" Tim retorted.

I looked away as I could not face him.

It was true.

I wanted Josh.

But I had Tim.

I was happy with Tim.

"I haven't been unfaithful to you." I said and I didn't think that I had. Fantasy was one thing, I had thought about Josh once or twice but I had never acted on that, nor would I ever do so. Josh was my best friend, or at least he had been, and that meant more to me than any sex between us could mean. I was with the man that I wanted and I thought that was enough.

"That's not the point Justin." Tim replied. "I can't compete with him. I should have known from the beginning that this wasn't going to work. I told you that we're from different worlds. You want Josh and he wants you. The pair of you should be together."

"I'm with you." I argued again.

"You don't have to be." Tim said as he turned to walk out.

This time I didn't stop him.

I was too wrapped up in the thoughts about what I had lost.

I wondered what Josh would say if he knew that he had finally succeeded in driving Tim and I apart. The thought, however, did not comfort me as I stared at the empty room and for the first time in a long while felt truly alone.

To Be Continued.

Note: This is just a short, bridging chapter because I wasn't sure if I could separate the next part very well. I will try to get it out soon.