We Will Remember Them

This story is a work of fiction. None of the characters are real and any similarities between this story and/or any characters in it and real life is purely coincidental.

THIS STORY CONTAINS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF CONSENSUAL SEXUAL ACTS BETWEEN TEENAGE MALES. IT IS INTENDED FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY! IF YOU FIND THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL OFFENSIVE, OR IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, OR UNDER THE LEGAL AGE TO VIEW SUCH MATERIAL THEN PLEASE READ NO FURTHER.

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Authors note: I just wanted to thank all of you who have written me about the series. It means a lot to get any feedback, positive or negative, and I wanted you to know I appreciate it.

There have been some questions about the possibility that some of this is autobiographical. I can assure you, it isn't. This is purely a work of fiction.

By the end of April, Ouichita Baseball was having a very good season, at every level. Varsity wasn't saved by my arrival because they didn't need saving, but I was having an impact which made me particularly proud. Of course, having Ben, Andrew, and Alan all telling me I was doing well didn't hurt.

Kurt and I had also been dating for almost two months and it had been amazing.

Guess which one I was happier about?

If you guessed baseball, you'd be right. Don't get me wrong, I had fallen hard for Kurt. I mean, he knew exactly what to do and when to do it. He knew when he needed to aggressive with me and when to leave me alone. And his kissing was just amazing. However, I'd worked hard for varsity and I loved baseball. Playing was just pure joy for me, the only time I wasn't bothered by anxiety or, well, anything.

One thing I was beginning to understand in a personal way was how Josh and Lane felt about each other. I'd always known they loved one another unconditionally, but I never really understood what it meant until I realized I felt almost the same way about Kurt. My only concern was whether or not he felt that way about me. While I knew he liked me a lot, I was pretty certain we were very mismatched in terms of our feelings for each other. What Christopher had gone through with me, I was now going through with Kurt. At the time, that wasn't entirely clear, but in hindsight it was blindingly obvious.

Neil and my mother had strung out and delayed the suit for months at this point. Mother's lawyer was a demon when it came to timing and procedure. Even still, at some point depositions were scheduled and the decision was made to depose Cat and me. Mothers lawyer fought it tooth and nail but ultimately it was decided that it would be best to have that done and compare with the interviews the judge had decided to have as part of the proceedings.

Cat and I were pretty ambivalent about it. We'd even gone so far as to suggest that it be done on certain Saturdays so as not to interfere with school or with our extracurricular activities. The fact that those Saturdays also happened to be the weekends we were already going to be with my father was, of course, purely coincidental.

Our suggestion was also completely ignored. The first one, mine, was set for the third Tuesday in May. It wasn't a game day, but it was a practice day and while my coaches may not have been too put out about it, I was. I asked mother to drive me over after school and I walked into one of the conference rooms at my fathers office only to find that he wasn't there. I immediately turned around, went up to his office, and told his secretary to tell him that he was needed in the conference room and that it was an emergency. I went back down to the conference room on the first floor, walked in, and sat down next to my mothers attorney, Mr. Daniels.

"Rob, I know this is really inconvenient, but thank you for doing this today. The man at the end of the table is the court reporter and the man sitting across from us is you father's attorney, Mr. Gresham. He's going to ask you some questions and then I'll ask you some questions. We should be done fairly quickly."

I just sat, smiled, and did nothing else. Gresham then spoke up, "Rob, I just have a few questions for you..." and he stopped as I raised my hand. "Yes, do you have a question?" he asked.

"No sir, I was just going to tell you that I won't be speaking until my father is present."

Mr. Daniels said, ''Well, Rob, this is a situation in which we really don't want either of your parents present because what we're trying to do is ascertain what would be best for you. If either of them are here, it could have an impact on your statements."

"Mr. Daniels, I don't lie to my parents. I have absolutely no problem giving a truthful answer to any questions in their presence."

Daniels looked at me for a second and I winked at him. He started to open his mouth, then said nothing. He sat back in his chair with this puzzled smirk on his face and we waited for my father to show up. About 15 minutes later, he stormed through the door asking what the hell was wrong.

Gresham told him that I had refused to speak until he was present. At that point he turned to look at me and, clearly angry, said, "Rob, I'm not supposed to be here for this. It might taint your answers."

I cleared my throat, "Daddy, have you ever known me to lie to you about anything?"

He thought for a second, then his shoulders slumped and he responded, "No."

"Well, I have no intention to start now. I gave you a number of days that wouldn't interfere with school or baseball and you set this up, I believe, intentionally to cause me to miss practice. As a result, I want you here to see what I have to say."

My father's face turned very dark, "Listen up, son. You don't tell me what to do ever. I am your father and if I need you somewhere, you will be there even if Christ himself is trying to rapture you to heaven. Your concerns are not mine."

I just looked down at the court reporter and asked, "Did you get all that?" then back at my father, "You do whatever you want to me. I am not answering any questions from either of these people without you sitting in a chair at this table."

At that point, Gresham stood and quickly walked over to my father, pulling him out of the conference room. Daniels turned to me and winked. Two minutes later, they came back in and my father sat next to Gresham.

Gresham began with perfunctory questioning, like asking my name, and then moved on to the fun stuff.

"Did your mother know that Josh Hastings was a homosexual prior to her engagement to Neil Hastings? ... Did you know Josh Hastings was a homosexual prior to beginning of the relationship between your mother and Neil Hastings?... Have you and Josh Hastings ever discussed homosexuality with each other?.." and on and on it went.

With each response I glared at my father and if I had to put my finger on the first time I genuinely lost respect for the man, that would be it. That day I no longer saw my father as larger than life, I saw him as someone intent on getting their way, not matter the damage they may cause. For him, this wasn't about what was best for me... deep down, it was about hurting mother.

After about 30 minutes he stopped even meeting my eyes and instead looked at his phone or, really, anything in the room other than me. The inquisition or, I should say imposition, continued for another half hour before I'd finally had enough. We broke and Daniels walked with me outside and we talked a bit. He said I appeared to have a long career ahead of me as a hostile witness to which I replied this was a one off, driven by how irritated I was with my father.

After he left, I sat on a bench and waited for my father to come out so he could drive me home as had been previously agreed. When he finally came out, I just got up and walked with him to his car without saying a word. I honestly didn't want to talk to him and was hoping against hope he didn't want to talk to me.

He asked if I wanted to go get some ice cream before he took me back to 'your mothers'. I told him I'd absolutely love to go get some ice cream. My thinking was simple... ice cream is always good, even when you're forced to enjoy it with someone you'd rather not be around.

We ended up sitting at a table at Baskin Robbins after he said hello to some people he knew and whom I didn't. When we finally sat down, he asked, "How angry are you with me, on a scale of 1-10?"

I put another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth thinking about my answer. I looked him right in the eye and responded, "15".

And he actually rolled his eyes.

"Lookit, I still love you, but you make me miss practice for this garbage, and don't kid yourself it's garbage, and then expect me to not be angry about it? Just on the suit I'm at about a 12. And ice cream isn't going to magically fix it." I took another bite and continued, "I don't think you understand that this is one of those situations where even victory is going to be Pyrrhic. The best case, honestly, is you losing but you don't see it that way because you're so wrapped up in the need to win."

That really made him angry, "I didn't raise my son to talk to me that way..."

"YES, you did. You raised me exactly to speak this way. You asked a question, I'm answering it truthfully. Don't even try to act like I'm being disrespectful when the real issue is that you really don't want to hear what I have to say. Further, if there's any disrespect, it's clearly coming from you and directed squarely at Cat and me. And we're acutely aware."

"Do you mean you really don't want to live with me?" he asked.

Ah, the guilt. My grandmother was a real master and he'd picked up much from her. However, I was having none of it.

"I did. Before you decided to divorce mother. You've been pretty carefree and able to live as you'd like, dealing with us only when it was convenient. Don't think we haven't noticed, you're extremely obvious about it. Have you thought about what winning this is going to do to your life? I mean, you clearly don't care what it'll do to Cat and me, but have you thought about what it will do to you?"

"That, I think, is quite enough. You have no idea what you're talking about..."

I laughed, interrupting him, "I know you're not a bigot and I know you believe me when I say I knew I was gay a year before Josh moved here. I know you don't really think Josh is going to have any impact on my decision making. I know you want to get at mother for getting married so soon and Cat and I get to be the instrument of your vengeance."

He got up, "Come on. I'm taking you back to your mothers."

I just smiled, "OK."

The drive out was, mercifully, conversation free. When we got to the house, I started to get out and he said, "Whether you believe me or not, I'm doing this for you and sister. One day you'll understand."

I smiled back at him, "I love you and I do understand that you think you're doing this for us. But I know, deep down, you're not. You can get as mad at me as you'd like, but it won't change that." And I shut the door walked to the house as he drove off. I ended up ditching my stuff in my room and taking Henry for a long walk. Neil had asked how it went and I just looked at him and said, "I'd really rather not relive it quite yet."

Henry and I walked from the house to the lake, about a quarter of a mile. I could tell Henry was picking up on my mood and was hewing as closely to me as possible, almost as if he'd like to merge with me. When we got to the lake, we walked around it to the south and I took a moment to sit down and try to clear my head. I even found a stick and threw it into the lake for Henry to retrieve, but he instead came up and sat as closely to me as he could. I reached around him and gave him a squeeze and it helped release some of the tension. Of course, so did having him lick my face.

We spent about and hour by the lake before going back up to the house after I looked at my phone to see texts from my mother, Josh, Cat, and Neil. Knowing they were worried put some weight on my shoulders, as did the knowledge that I was about to relive the afternoon.

I really hated this shit. There was just no other way to put it. I hated it down to my bones, not only because of what it was doing to my head, but for what it was doing to my family. Mother was hardest hit, and that had a massive effect on Neil. Josh saw that and knew what it was doing to me and that made him angry. Cat was pissed at the stupidity of it all, not to mention that it made me sullen and she hated that. All in all, my father's stunt was spilling over to our lives in ways I'd like to think he'd never considered, but I knew on some level it had been a primary consideration in his decision to move forward with the suit.

As I hit the door to the house, I paused for a moment, sucked in a deep breath, and walked in. Neil and mother were in the kitchen working on dinner and I came in and sat down at the table there. Henry opted to hang closer to them, waiting for something to be dropped on the floor, along with Maisy. I had to admit the floors, especially in the kitchen, breakfast, and dining rooms were much cleaner with dogs than without.

Mother started to ask about the deposition, but I asked her to leave it until dinner so I could fill everyone in at the same time. I'd already decided not to get into specifics about the questions as it would just increase the rage Josh already felt. I sat there talking to them about school and baseball stuff, until I got a text from Kurt. I excused myself and went back out to the patio to call him.

"Hey babe, how was practice?" he asked when he answered.

I sighed, "I'm sure it was ok, but I wasn't there. I was at that deposition, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, completely forgot about that. How'd it go?" Yes, the love of my life who never seemed to be bothered remembering little details. Or the big ones.

"It went as well as could be expected, I guess," I replied.

"What are you wearing?" he asked.

"Come on, Kurt... the same thing I had on at school."

"Well, you looked sexy in those shorts. You want to get out of the house later on?" he asked with his 'I'm really horny and need to fuck the hell out of you' voice.

I'd already explained how much this whole thing was effecting me. He'd seemed to understand and every time I brought it up, he made it sound like his requests were intended solely to get my mind off it. At this point, despite the fact that he actually was pretty decent in bed (even if he did fuck sometimes like he was trying to jackhammer something out of my butt), I was realizing that it was bullshit.

"So I can be a hole for you to use to get off? Nah, I think I'll pass."I paused for a second. "Look, I've got to go have dinner and relive this afternoon."

I listened for a second and realized the line was already dead. I looked at my phone and saw that I had full service. Son of a bitch, I said to myself as I put my phone back in my pocket. I walked back into the house and found Josh and Lane sitting at the table nibbling on crackers.

I just looked at them sitting together and smiled sadly at them.

Josh noticed it immediately and mouthed 'Kurt?' at me and I nodded my head, which prompted an eyeroll from him. He didn't like Kurt at all. Neither did Cat. Lane, being more like me, was willing to deal with it which forced Josh to at least try to be nice when we were all together. Cat was having none of that.

I sat down at the table and grabbed a cracker off the plate. Mother pointedly told us not to eat too many since dinner would be ready in 20 minutes, so I ended up feeding half of it to Henry who was only too happy to take it.

My phone vibrated so I pulled it out and saw a text from Kurt.

"Sorry, my connection died. Want me to pick you up later?"

I quickly typed out, "No, I'm still pretty bummed about this afternoon. We're about to have dinner. I'll call you later."

All I got back from him was "K xoxoxo".

Dinner was far better than I expected. Fortunately no one begged for too many details about the deposition regarding the actual questions. Cat eyed me a couple of times as she knew I was omitting certain pieces for the audience which she thought was stupid. But, as I later explained to her, what good is it going to do to agitate Josh?

After dinner, I went to my room to do my homework. About nine Cat looked in and asked if I was busy. I told her no and she came in and sat next to Henry on the bed. For some reason the dog really loved her which amused the hell out of me since she didn't particularly care for him.

"So, you want to fill me in on the parts you left out at dinner?" she asked.

"Not really, but I will," I replied, rubbing my tired eyes. For the next 10 minutes I walked her through the questions. "Seriously, the most important thing is to make sure that it comes across just how calm and stable everything is here. I didn't get into Daddy leaving us with sitters but mother's lawyer knows about it. He didn't bring it up with me, he might with you."

"OK, I think I know how to play it." she said, smirking.

"Cat, seriously, don't play it. Just be honest. I know you're angry as hell, but just tell the straight up truth."

The smile didn't leave her face, "Of course! Now, I need to tell you something."

I took a deep breath, "OK, what?"

"I think it's time you end this thing with Kurt. No one likes him and I don't just mean with you. Even Henry thinks he's a piece of shit. He's flippant, glib, and disrespectful toward you. So, don't you think it's time to say goodbye?" she finished, seemingly all in one breath.

I sat there, stunned. The key part, what she completely missed, was that I was in love with him. As much as he frustrated me at times, I loved being in his arms. I loved hearing his voice. I loved looking into his eyes when he smiled and I especially love the way his brown eyes shined when he was really happy, warm and inviting. I loved sex with him... he may not have been as smooth as Bruce, but it was nice and I sometimes got off without having to touch myself.

On every other point, she was absolutely correct. And I didn't want to do anything about it. I didn't even want to see it.

"Cat, I love you, but this is my life and you're going to have to back off. Whether you get it or not, I really love him..."

"And he knows that,"she interrupted, "and takes advantage of that. Over and over again. Rob, come on, you have to be able to see this."

"Please leave right now, Cat. I don't want to discuss this any more." I replied.

She got up and stopped at the door before opening it, looking back at me.

"You need to know and understand there are a bunch of people who know and love you, and they're furious about this relationship of yours, especially what it's doing to you. We will not let him hurt you, we just won't." She then opened the door, walked through it, and closed it behind her.

I sat there for a second, churning over what she'd said. I can remember thinking she was wrong, that she and Josh had completely misread Kurt. He wasn't a dick, he was just forgetful at times. I know he cares for me, he's just sort of oblivious to things often.

Of course, I was making excuses. He was gorgeous and being with him made me feel good about myself. I didn't want to it to end, I couldn't. Moreover, I couldn't accept that everyone was right and I was wrong. I just felt a need for this to work out and I was determined to do whatever it took to make that happen.

By this point, I'd already seen enough to doubt Kurt but it wasn't until Thursday that doubt ballooned. Still, I didn't run instantly, instead I tried to wait it out.

That weekend was regional quarterfinals so we were practicing, getting ready for what was likely to be our toughest game. We honestly expected to do well, but we didn't expect to win. We were pretty well finished with practice, I think it was about 5, maybe 515, and I saw my mother's car in the parking lot. Now, this is one of those things about my mother... she's always on time or a little late. She is never, ever, early unless someone has tricked her. I'd told her we'd go late so I probably wouldn't be done until 530 or so. Seeing her out there made me think immediately something was up. She got out of her car and walked to the short fence, waiving at me. I waived back and as Coach pulled us off the field, I ran over to her to see what was up.

I got about five feet from her when I realized she had that look on her face that something was desperately wrong.

"What happened to Cat?" I asked, assuming the worst.

She glanced over my shoulder, then back at me, "Sweety, it's not Cat, it's Lane. He passed out during band practice and they couldn't revive him. Go on and finish up, just hurry so we can get out to the hospital."

"Yes ma'am, I will." I responded, pretty much like someone had just kicked the wind out of me.

I ran back over to where the team was standing, drinking Gatorade and water. Alan was the one who caught my eye first with a questioning look. I walked over to him and told him Lane was in the hospital and that I didn't know any more.

Redmond gave us a quick rundown on practice and then let us go. I raced inside to clean up and get dressed. I didn't know what was going to happen to him and, as I pulled off my cleats, I just sat there thinking about what could have happened. It absolutely terrified me. I can't explain the feeling, but I was petrified with fear. I wasn't scared for Josh or even Lane's mom, Tessa. I was terrified for what was happening to Lane.

Alan was the one who shook me out of myself.

"Come on, Rob. We gotta go."

I looked up at him, tears in my eyes, "I know. I'm sorry, I'm just scared."

Alan's veneer of toughness dissolved like sugar in hot coffee. "I know man, me too. Just get cleaned up and let's get out there."

Ben walked by about that time and asked Alan what was going on. He just told him something was up with Lane and that we needed to get out of there quick.

"Man, I'm sorry... if there's anything I can do, just call me."

It was like a light went off in Alan's head and shortly thereafter in mine. Neither of us had thought to check our phones. Alan's was filled with texts from his mom, his aunt, and Josh. Mine was filled with texts from Josh and my mother. I glanced down and replied to Josh's last...

"Don't worry, bro... we're on our way."

At that point I went on autopilot. I stripped down, took a shower, dressed and was out the door in about 10 minutes. For me, it was record time. Alan was right behind me and I told him I'd see him out there as I jumped into my mother's car.

My mother was never one for driving slow, but she usually kept it relatively sane. Today, she wasn't at all worried about that as she weaved in and out of traffic. Everyone was in the ICU lounge so we ran there as fast as we could after skidding to a stop in the parking lot. Mother made a beeline for Lane's mom and Mrs. Saunders. Lane's mom had obviously been crying and it made me tear up a bit. Then I turned and saw Josh.

He was sitting with his head turned, looking out the window, slumped down in the chair. Neil was sitting next to him and nudged him, causing him to look up. When he saw me, his face contorted into a mixture of pain and sadness as he got up and walked over to hug me. As I held him, I kept saying it's going to be OK. Everything will be fine. Lane isn't going to leave you.

I don't know how long we were standing there, but at some point Alan came in and my mother came over to hug Josh and I together.

No one knew anything at that point, other than that it had been a hot day and he'd collapsed during band practice. One of his band mates, who was there, said it was as if someone had cut his strings and he just collapsed. Mr. Abernathy had immediately called the ambulance and while he was waiting for them, had some of the kids get him out of the sun and others ran to get ice out of the machine in the band hall in plastic bags. They tried putting it under his arms and around his groin, but it didn't have any effect. Thankfully, it wasn't that long until the paramedics arrived and transported him to the hospital.

We sat there for about twenty minutes and I decided to find a vending machine. I asked anyone if they wanted anything. Josh never responded so as I was walking out, I knelt in front of where he was sitting and when his eyes focused on me, I asked if he wanted anything. He just smiled, weakly, as another tear ran down his cheek and replied, "Lane."

It was all I could do not to lose it. I just stood up, patted him on the shoulder, and went to find sodas. The memory of going to see Charlie's grandmother in the hospital after he died was top of mind and I knew I needed to keep it together for everyone else there.

While I was looking for a vending machine I got a call from Kurt.

"Hey,"I said, answering the call.

"What's up?"

"I'm at the hospital. Lane collapsed at band practice and he's in ICU. Josh is a complete mess..."

"Yeah, he looked like he was going to go crazy when he heard. Edwards didn't even try to stop him when he walked off the field during practice."

"I can imagine. So, I'm here waiting for news."

Kurt cleared his throat and is a breathy voice said, "Want me to come bust you out?"

"Are you kidding?"

"No. I'm horny as hell and I can't imagine how boring it has to be sitting there."

I put the phone to my side and stared up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath before raising it back to my face. "No. Dude, my brothers boyfriend, one of my best friends, is unresponsive in the ICU and you want me to leave so we can fuck?"

He laughed (no joke, he actually laughed), "Well, when you put it that way it makes me sound like such an asshole."

"That's because you're being one. Right now. I'm going. I'll call you later." and I hung up the phone. My head was swimming and all I wanted was a soda. I was standing in the middle of the hall when Willy showed up behind me and asked what was wrong.

I just turned, and looked at him, then looked at my phone and said, "Kurt." I could see the anger flash in his eyes and his whole body seemed to tense up as his right fist curled into a ball.

"What the hell did he do?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"Nothing, just a bad conversation." I replied.

He just glared at me, "He upset you about something, what is it?"

I looked around, then told him, "If I tell you this you have to promise you'll keep your mouth shut until I know how I want to handle it. Deal?"

"Deal."

And I told him about the conversation. To that point, I'd only seen Willy really angry a few times. This was a new level entirely, fed as much by what Kurt had done as by how much Willy disliked him anyway.

"I told you that motherfucker was bad news." He said.

I sighed, leaning back against the wall, "I know. Everyone has been quite clear on that, but I think I needed to see for myself. I just don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I know I don't want to make a thing out of this while Lane is here. Just please, don't do anything, OK?"

He ran his hand through his hair, then looked me in the eye, "I told you I wouldn't until you knew what you wanted to do. But Rob, promise you will deal with this."

I just nodded my head, "Come on, help me get some drinks for everyone."

When we got back to the waiting room, the doctor was there. He was speaking as we walked up.

"... the collapse was likely heat stroke combined with dehydration. We've got him stable at this point, but we want to keep him overnight to make sure there's no damage to his kidneys. We're going to keep him sedated because what he needs right now is some rest and time to heal."

Josh was standing next to Tessa, his arm around her. She started to say something, but could only manage a few choked up words before looking at Josh.

For his part, he looked strong as he spoke, "Thank you for everything you're doing to help him. Can we go see him?" The WE clearly meant his mother and Josh.

"Absolutely," the doctor responded. "It'll help him to know there are people here worried about him. I really want to stress, this was extremely serious but he's going to recover. It's just going to take some time. I'll take you down right now if you're ready."

Josh looked over at our parents, "I'm going to stay here tonight with Lane's mom." It was a statement, not a request, and neither of them argued.

I asked if I could stay a bit longer and they agreed after Alan said he would give me a ride home.

I walked over to Josh and Tessa, "We'll wait here for a while to give you guys some time with him alone." Josh just smiled back and said "Thank you" and grabbed me into a hug.

I walked my parents out and they both told me to keep an eye on Josh until I left. I knew what they meant. This had been eye opening for them in a significant way... what I'd seen almost two years before, they were really seeing for the first time. Josh was absolutely in love with Lane. He was being strong and stable but inside, he was a complete mess.

I went to grab something to eat and decided to pick up something for Josh and Tessa as well. When I walked down to the room, I glanced in and saw Josh sitting at the side of Lane's bed, holding his hand and weeping. I cleared my throat and he just looked over at me, not even bothering to hide how upset he was.

"I brought some food for you and his mom,"I told him.

He stood up, and took it from me, laying it down on the sofa in the room. "Thanks. She actually went to get us something to eat. She wanted me to go with her but I just couldn't leave him here by himself." he choked out as he started to really cry. "Why can't it be me? Why's it got to be him? I can't handle this, Rob. I just... love him so much, I'd give anything to trade places with him."

I walked over to him and hugged him again, repeating what I'd told him earlier, "I know, but what he needs now is you to stay strong for him and for his mother. It's all going to be fine. He's going to be fine and you don't need to worry." Words like that sound so good, but in situations like the one we were in are often completely worthless. Hey, the man you love, with whom you can't imagine life, is under heavy sedation after collapsing earlier today, but don't worry I'm sure everything will come out right as rain! But, seriously, what the hell else do you say in that kind of situation that doesn't sound trite and cliched?

I waited with him until Tessa came back and then gave her a hug as well. I told them I'd be in the lounge if they needed anything and asked if it would be OK to send some people back. They both said yes, so I walked back only to find a crowd in the lounge, made up almost entirely of friends from school. Most of the guys who played football or baseball knew Josh and Alan so they were there and a large number of Lane's fellow band members had shown up. So, I told them all they could go back two at a time and to please not take too long.

"Josh and Lane's mom are sick with worry so please, just let them know you're thinking about them and come on back so the next two can go."

I noticed Mrs. Saunders, who was sitting with Alan, look at me with a smile. I went over and sat with them and Willy when I was done and she said, "Thank you" and I just smiled back at her and nodded.

By 830 everyone had cleared out, so we decided to go down before we left. Alan gave Willy and I a lift home, dropping Willy off first which gave us a chance to talk.

"I never really knew how much he loved him until today," Alan said. He glanced over at me, then back at the road and continued, "But you did. Didn't you?"

I just sat there in the seat, my normally decent posture gone all to hell. "Yeah, I saw it two years ago."

"How? What did I miss?" he asked, genuinely.

"You were inside your house. It was during the summer and we were at your house swimming. It was the day after Lane and Josh had sex. As Josh told me the story, he told me a lot more about why they'd waited. Plus, I got to see them the first time they met. Josh was gone from that moment. There's nothing he wouldn't do for Lane. If the doctor had come in and said Lane would make a full recovery instantly if Josh cut his own throat, he would have found something sharp and done it right there in the lounge."

Alan sighed, "I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I'm so damn jealous of them right now. They have everything they need in each other. I hope I can find that. I want to feel that way about someone else."

"Don't sweat it, Alan. Now that you know what it looks like, you won't ignore it when it does happen and you won't wait out something you don't feel is right."

He pulled the car off to the side of the road and looked at me, "It sounds like you've been doing some thinking yourself..."

I just glumly responded, "Yep. I've had some time on my hands and some motivation."

"You know we all hate him. I'm pretty sure he's cheating on you but I can't prove it or I would have already beat his ass down."

I smiled over at him, "I know what y'all think. It's been made really clear, but emotionally I'm not there yet." I stopped for a second and looked him straight in the eye, "Please give me time."

He just nodded back and started driving again. We were at my house in no time (my house... only took me six months to start calling it that, but I finally got it) and I thanked him for the ride.

I went inside and was greeted by Henry who was waiting by the door. I could hear the TV going in the family room so I walked back there and gave mother, Neil, and Cat the update. I watched the end of a movie with them and then we went to bed. A little while later, Cat came in my room and asked if I thought Lane would be OK. It was, well, a little breathtaking. Cat wasn't emotional and she rarely worried about others. But there was something about her, tonight, that showed through.

I gave her a hug and told her Lane was going to be fine. I could feel her body relax a bit, as if the electric current which had kept her tensed up had finally been pulled off her. We just stood there for a while, not moving. It was the first and only time I'd ever seen her like this. Usually, she was the one trying to get me to calm down.

Finally, she pulled away and I stopped her, "Are you going to be ok? Do you want to sleep with me tonight?"

She smiled, "I'll be OK and thank you, but I'll be fine by myself. I'm just a little weird about all this because of how today went and I know how much Josh cares about Lane."

"I know... try to get some sleep."

"Good night," she said, walking out of my room.

I replied back, "Sweet dreams," which caused her to turn and look at me like I'd grown horns. Moment of sibling emotional connection over. I just smiled back at her and she rolled her eyes, turned, and walked away. Cat, with her red blonde hair, was already so pretty but when she moved like that, it was clear she was destined to be a breathtaking woman.

That night I had some weird dreams, including one I remembered really well when I woke up. It was of me, in bed, with Lane and Josh standing over me, crying. I wasn't dead, I knew that much, but they were obviously upset. I honestly don't think they even knew I was conscious and I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew they were OK and, at that moment, it was enough for me.

Cat and I went to school like normal and mother and Neil went out to the hospital after dropping us off. Around ten that morning I got a text from Josh...

"He's up and doing ok. Memory foggy, but seems himself. Don't know about damage to kidneys. They're going to release him this afternoon if labwork comes back OK"

I sat back in my chair and breathed out a huge sigh of relief. I immediately forwarded the text to as many people as I could.

Lunch was... interesting. I usually sat with the same group I'd been with since the first of the year, but that Friday as I walked into the cafeteria, Kurt was waiting for me and ran up like a puppy, wrapping his arms around me. This is my weakness, he knows how to disarm me and within minutes of us talking, all was well with us again.

If I had to put it on one thing, it was the smell. HIS smell. The mixture of his cologne, the soap he used, and him. That and the way he'd look at me, like I was the entire world to him at that moment. Isn't that what everyone wants, to be the world to someone else?

We talked for about ten minutes and then I ambled over to the table to a very disgusted George who called me a nelly queen for falling for his shit, which, predictably, pissed me off.

Not because of the comment being nasty, but because it was true. Later that day, as I was heading to baseball, he apologized to me and I broke down. What he'd said, and more importantly, what I'd done with regard to my lack of resolve, had been spot on.

He tried apologizing again, but I laughed through the tears, "Don't. You're fucking right and that's why I'm upset. It's just hard for me, man. There's one guy who means the world to me who'd never put me through this shit and he's 1400 miles away. I just want to be a normal kid and have someone, you know? It just fucking sucks it's Kurt and I'm weak as hell when it comes to him."

He looked at me for a minute, eyes full of sympathy for the first time with all this, and said, "Man, I had no idea it was that bad."

I just sighed, "I wouldn't expect you to, George, and there's no reason why you should. It's always going to different for me so don't beat yourself up about it. Seriously, it's my problem and I'll deal with it. Just give me some time."

Practice that Friday went so smoothly it was actually a shock. I knew that the team we were up against was everyone's pick to win state, but the way we were playing led us all to believe we had a damn good shot.

That Saturday I woke up feeling amazing. I was in a fantastic mood and I was completely focused on the game we had that evening. I went to the kitchen for breakfast to find Josh sitting there with my parents, and I gave him a hug, asking how Lane was doing.

He had this look of relief on his face unlike any I'd ever seen before, like everything was right with his world. It was so good to see and just added to my already good mood.

"He's doing great, but he's going to need a few more days of downtime before his system is back to 100%. His kidney function is slightly reduced but the doctor is pretty sure it's temporary. I left him sleeping to come back here and get a change of clothes."

I smiled back at him, "Any chance you guys can make it to our game tonight?"

Josh smiled broadly, "I'll be there. Lane doesn't realize it yet, but he's not going."

"Damn, I was really hoping he'd be up to it."

Josh laughed, "He absolutely will think he's up to it. But his mom has already decided he's going to stay home at least through the weekend."

At that point mother got up, "You want something to eat?"

I smiled back at her, "Yes ma'am, I'm really hungry." She proceeded to stuff us with fruit, pancakes, sausage, and bacon.

Josh went back over to Lane's after breakfast and I took Henry for a walk. I still didn't know how I was going to deal with Kurt. This was the only experience I'd had with someone in a romantic relationship trying to manipulate me and finally, something stuck out in my head. Kami, when we'd talked earlier in the week, had made the statement that she thought I was too good for him. I agreed, but told her it's hard when all you want to do is feel desired and the only one willing to do that is someone like Kurt. It made her laugh pretty hard and I asked her why.

"Because you're fucking gorgeous. It's one thing I've always loved about you, that you're not hung up on your looks. I used to think it was you being modest, but I realize now it's almost as if what you see in the mirror is something completely different than what the rest of us see when we look at you. When he tells you things about your looks, it makes you feel good, but what it should do is irritate you because all he's doing it pointing out the obvious.

I hate to tell you this, but it's time to cut the cord on this loser. You may have to branch out a little from Ouichita like Christopher did, but I promise there's someone way better out there for you."

That conversation happened on Wednesday and I didn't put much thought into it at the time. Now, for some reason, it was all I could think about. She wasn't right, I think I saw exactly what everyone else did. I was good looking, but gorgeous was a pretty big stretch. I was still 5'8" but I was up to 160 which gave me the appearance of being more filled out than I actually was. I wasn't a loser, by any means, but I also wasn't some gorgeous stud like Josh or Bruce. That's when it hit me.

I wasn't ever going to be and for some reason, two guys I thought were maddeningly hot both had a thing for me, or had at one time. Three if you added Kurt to the mix. I wasn't turned on by myself, but the people who did turn me on seemed to think I was pretty damn hot. Kami did as well and she was beautiful. It was time for me to stop being so easy to twist.

Early that afternoon Neil took me to school and we got changed in the locker room, then boarded the bus. The game was in Dallas and on the way up, we were all in really good spirits, but there wasn't much bullshitting. We were all remarkably calm and even the usual pranksters took a pass on jerking us around.

That game was one of the most fun I've ever played. It was a nice late afternoon, not too hot, and we were just in sync. We won the quarterfinal game we weren't supposed to win by one run. It wasn't mine. In fact, I'd played decently but I'd been a little distracted by everything churning in my head. Alan recognized it and got on my ass about it. It didn't effect how I was playing, but he knew there was something going on.

On the way home he made sure and sat next to me on the bus. We talked in hushed tones about what was happening and how I was feeling. I ended up telling him about what Kami had said and he laughed.

"Well, and don't go getting a big head or think this means more than it does, she's right. You aren't some freak Kurt is taking pity on, he's actually really lucky to have you. The only thing genuine about him may be his attraction to you."

At that point, Ben broke us up and said we're having a party at his place. His parents had said it was OK as long as everyone was 'safe', which basically meant bring your sleeping bags. I asked Alan if I could ride with him and he just laughed at me, rubbing my head.

When we got back to the school, our families were there and congratulated us. Mother tried to nix my plan to stay over at Ben's, but Neil stepped up in my defense so she relented. Alan assured her he'd have me home the next morning no later than ten.

Josh had gone directly from the game to Lane's so Alan and I decided to make a stop there before heading to Ben's. Lane was definitely feeling better and his mother had to get on his ass to stay on the sofa and rest. Alan and I filled him in on the game (well, the short version since Lane cared as much about baseball as my father) and he congratulated us on the win. We ended up heading out and Josh asked me to stay behind for a moment as Alan went out to the car.

"I've been thinking about something and I don't know how to really talk to you about it," he said.

I just looked at him, "It's about Kurt isn't it?"

"Yeah, how'd you know? Did Cat say something?" he asked, looking intently at me for some hint that he'd been betrayed.

"She did Thursday night. She made her feelings quite clear, but not yours," I replied.

He looked down at the ground, obviously nervous, "I really hate to say this but I think the guy is a piece of shit. I know I told you I didn't like him, but these last few days I can't shake the feeling he's completely wrong for you. I just don't want to see you hurt."

I sighed. My first thought, honestly, was that I needed to set up a tumblr with a message detailing what I'd already been told so people could just add their names to that. My second thought was how happy I was that I'd sworn Willy to secrecy about Kurt's phone call when Lane was in the hospital. If Josh had known about that, he would have already beat him to a paste.

"Josh, I get it. BELIEVE me I do, but I need to handle this myself. I appreciate you being worried for me, but you're not going to be able to keep me from hurting all the time. I'll be OK."

And Josh, big old tough Josh, teared up a bit, "Outside of Lane, you're the most important person in my life. I love Cat, Bethany, and my dad, but you're my brother and I feel like I need to protect you."

"Dude, you're trying to protect me from myself and you need to stop. I get how you feel and trust me, I feel the same. I'm going to see where this leads. There are some things I need to work on and we'll see how Kurt handles it. Trust me, I can make it through this even if it turns bad."

He stared straight into my eyes, "Promise that no matter what happens, you'll talk to me, Willy, or Alan about it?"

I smiled brightly back at him, "Or George. Or Frank. Or Brent. Or Cat. Or maybe all of you."

He sniffed a little, "OK, that'll work, too. I just don't want you wrapped up in your head thinking that you have to deal with whatever happens by yourself."

And damnit all if that didn't make me tear up a bit, "Remember that night after the wedding when I climbed in bed with you? That was me finally breaking down and realizing sometimes I can't take care of myself, that sometimes I need to give up and let someone help. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I've grown up a lot in the last year and I know more about myself than I did. When it's time, you don't have to worry about whether or not I'll lean on you, you'll have to worry about how hard it is to prop me up."

We hugged and he pulled back, hands on my shoulders and looked at me, "I love you and I will never complain about you using me as a crutch."

We both laughed, said goodbye, and I ran out to Alan's car. As he pulled out he looked over at me briefly and asked, "Kurt?"

I let out a little laugh, "Yep. I get the feeling that Josh really wants to beat the hell out of him."

Alan snorted, "We all do, and it's not just about him with you. The guy's a fucking prick. I know you don't see it, but he's obnoxious and he runs his mouth constantly. You are probably the only thing keeping most of varsity football from beating the hell out of him."

"Me?" I asked.

"Yeah, you. They all know you're together and they respect Josh and you enough to let him alone. But there are a lot of people who really hate him."

"So, what you're saying is that I should get out of the way in order for these people to fuck him up?"

Alan laughed, "Nah, you still love him. I'm just letting you know the position you're really in. Share it with him or don't, it won't change anything. Personally, I wouldn't. I'd want to see how he acts on his own because he's so fucking stuck up and oblivious I doubt he even considers how those around him feel."

That did get a laugh out of me because Alan was absolutely right. It would never occur to him that anyone disliked him because he liked himself more than enough to make up for their obvious oversight.

The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful, just listening to the radio and lost in our own thoughts.

The party ended up being a blast, even if I did drink a little too much and passed clear the hell out around one in the backseat of Alan's car. Kurt had texted me earlier about getting together and I told him it would have to be Sunday so, after Alan got me home, I called him and he agreed to pick me up around four. Of course it was time for a talk, that much I knew, but I was also horny as hell. I was, after all, 15 and my hormones were raging.

We decided to go out to a place I knew about on the ranch that was accessible from a county road. I knew the code for the gate lock and no one was going to to come out here. I figured we could talk and have some fun, plus the weather was warm but not hot.

No sooner did we get out of the car than he was on me. I finally had to push him back and tell him to stop because there was something we needed to talk about. He looked like I'd just kicked him in the balls.

"After. I can't think right now," he pleaded.

"Nope. NOW."

I spread out a blanket on the ground and we sat down, looking at each other.

"I'm in love with you. And it hurts like a motherfucker when all you seem to care about is sex. I get we're kids, but sometimes it's like you don't feel anything that doesn't spring from your balls. Half the time, I'm making excuses for you and the other half I'm trying to keep you from freaking out with need."

He just shrugged, "What do you want me to say? I'm in love with you, too? I am. You know that. You also know I'm am always revved up to go. I can't help it."

"I know, but can you at least have a little more tact? I mean, when a friend of mine could be dying isn't the best time to hit me up for a quick fuck, you know?"

"Yeah, I know I fucked up. I honestly can't help it."

I went over to him and hugged him.

"Just promise me you're going to think things through before you open your mouth?" I asked.

He looked at me with this, I don't know, strange look in his eyes. "I will and I love you," and with that, he reached up to cup the back of my head, bringing my mouth down to his. He pulled me tight against him, then laid me down to climb on top of me. We quickly started shrugging out of clothes and he was grabbing for the lube I'd brought with me.

Kurt was GOOD as a top, he wasn't great but he was good. He knew how to open me up, get me ready, and make me feel like I couldn't go on without him inside me. I knew it was learned behavior for him, but what he'd picked up was absolutely perfect. He'd also picked up on the fact that once I was ready, he could go at whatever pace he wanted. And it was exactly what I needed that Sunday, to feel him inside me as much as on top of me, to feel him kissing me and feel myself release all the stress and tension that had built up. We ended up going twice, but the second time I made him sit back and let me ride him cowboy. It wasn't my favorite position, but I also wanted it to last longer that second time.

After we laid there on the blanket as the air dried us out. There was no mistaking the smell clinging to us, but it was the last thing on my mind. At least it was until I got home and made a beeline for my room and the shower. Feeling the water rush over me, I felt content and completely pleased with the afternoon.

The next week was really nice. Things were far calmer all the way around and we won our Semifinal game the next Saturday which only left Regionals standing between us and State. Plus, it was the end of the school and we were all pretty happy about that.

The first week of the summer was a lot of practice and preparing for the regional game. My parents had already made reservations in Austin for the State Finals, which I thought was not only premature but possibly very unlucky, a thought I shared with all of them. My fathers reaction was oddly understanding, as was Neil's. My mother, on the other hand, thought it was nonsensical.

And she turned out to be right because we lost regionals and it had nothing to do with luck or fate or any other damn thing. We just got outplayed by a superior team. The loss was upsetting as hell, especially for Ben and Andrew, since it was their last high school game. Andrew just looked like he was in shock, Ben was damn near inconsolable. We all ended up drunk at Andrews that night and Ben and I ended up having a long conversation about, well, everything.

Before we broke off and found a place to sleep, Ben got really quiet.

"There's something I've been wanting to tell you, but I haven't really had the balls to do it. I mean, it's not like it's something I've known for a while, only since Thursday, but I didn't know what to say."

I just looked at him, "What's up, man?"

He looked over at me, tossled my hair, and then said, "I haven't known you long, but in that time I've really started to like you. It's important to me you know I respect you as a man and a baseball player." THAT was high praise from someone like Ben. Someone as good as he is, well, just doesn't respect about 90% of the players he encounters. Given the context, there wasn't a soul that would ever top that complement.

"Dude, that means a lot to me, seriously. Thank you."

He looked down, "That's the good part. The bad part is that I found out Thursday Kurt's been cheating on you with some chick in Redbud. I'm trying to get a name, but a friend of mine from Chapel Hill saw him there and knows it was him because he recognized him from Facebook."

I just sat there, stunned. I was drunk so the sting of it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, but damn did it hurt.

"I haven't said anything to anyone. I hear people talk, I know a lot of guys hate him and I know they'd kick his ass in a second if they thought they could get away with it. Something like this..."

"... and there'll be 10 guys who just want to beat him up but will claim they're doing it because he fucked me over."

"Exactly," he exhaled, smoothly. "I didn't think I should wait and I knew if I didn't do it now, I might chicken out."

At that point, I'll admit I started to cry. It wasn't gut wrenching sobs or anything, but given how things had been going I really thought Kurt and I were good. And through a sniffle, I asked Ben, "When did your friend see him?"

"Wednesday night."

"Damn," was all I could manage.

"Look, I can't pretend to know what it's like for you, but I hope you'll see that this isn't you, it's him. He's an asshole and he doesn't deserve you. I know it doesn't help, but I also know it's something that you need to hear. Whether it was this or something else, this wasn't going to last because you will replace him. Trust me?"

"Yeah, I do," I said, trying to straighten up so the others wouldn't see me like this.

"Then trust me now. You didn't do anything wrong. The problem is him, not you."

I got up and told him goodnight, then went to find someplace to sleep. My eyes felt like sandpaper and the taste in my mouth was like something had died which was ironic since, effectively, something did die.

Alan's parents had kept their reservation and his dad agreed to take us to Austin the next weekend to watch the state games. I'd kept some distance from Kurt that week and done a really good job of hiding the hurt from my family. It wasn't perfect, but everyone pretty much assumed that it had to do with losing regionals. Except Cat. She knew it was Kurt and we had a long talk about it that Wednesday night and I finally came clean with her. She was, uncharacteristically, calm about the whole thing and agreed to keep it all to herself for now. She, as well as anyone, knew what Josh would do if he found out and while seeing some harm come to Kurt would have made her happy, she knew it wasn't right for me.

Being able to go down for the finals was almost therapeutic. That Friday, as Alan and I sat in the stands, we started talking to a couple of guys who played for UT. They saw my Ouichita ball cap and when we confirmed we were from there, they said they expected to see us here. We both just hung our heads and one of them laughed, "Don't worry, it happens to all of us."

They asked about Ben, since they knew he was heading their way and we both told them they were going to love him. Alan's father, who'd brought us down, had decided to hang out with some friends and so when Meyer and Don asked if we wanted to hang out that night, he agreed under one condition, that we were back in the room by 12 and no bars. Both the guys told him they'd watch out for us. About 9, Meyer picked us up at the hotel. I noticed him wearing a rainbow beaded bracelet and I asked if he was seeing anyone.

Not missing a beat, and smiling at me broadly, he said, "Yeah and he's going to be at the party. But you gotta keep it on the downlow. He plays football so he's not out."

I smiled and said, "That's really cool."

Meyer laughed, "Yeah, I thought you would like that. What about you Alan, did you come off the homo tree as well?"

Alan and I both laughed, then he said, "Nah, and it's surprising given that my two best friends are mos."

"Well, don't worry," Meyer responded, "There will be plenty of pussy around though you need to warn them you're underage. Statutory rape and all." he finished, laughing.

When we got there, Don took Alan under his wing and I followed Meyer to the kitchen for drinks. About ten minutes later, a very hot black dude walked in and grabbed the back of Meyers head, bringing him in for a kiss. When they finally broke, an obviously happy Meyer introduced me to his boyfriend, Tommy. They were a really beautiful couple and interesting match. Meyer was 6'4" and pretty lanky, I don't think weighed much over 190. Tommy was 6'2" and very built, like Josh or Bruce. We made drinks and stepped outside to talk. I was, understandably curious and peppered them with questions for a good thirty minutes.

Tommy explained he was very ready to come out and that a lot of his teammates already knew. However, he didn't want to be a spectacle. He wasn't planning to play after college so in another year, he wasn't going to wait any more. I asked him what his family thought and he said only his mother and grandparents knew. He was sure his father and older brothers would have an issue, but he was prepared for that as long as it meant he could be with Meyer.

I told them they both reminded me a lot of Josh and Lane, which forced me into explaining their relationship. Tommy laughed and said, "We're not that bad" and I replied, "No, you're worse. You don't see the way you touch Meyer or the way you're sitting with each other. It's clear as day that you both love one another."

Then the conversation turned to me. I didn't even bother sugarcoating where I was or what was going on with Kurt. Tommy was pretty pissed but it was Meyer who brought everything into perspective for me.

"You don't know if it's true yet."

That one statement helped unwind a week of nausea and the hollow in the pit of my stomach. He was right, I didn't know for sure and wouldn't until I actually talked about it. His advice was straight forward, talk to Kurt and get his side of it. See if maybe there was truth in what he says and, if not, move on.

I ended up hanging with them the entire night on the patio, occasionally talking to some other people while either Meyer or Tommy would get up to get more drinks. About 1115 we called the hotel and asked them to send a car to pick us up. Alan wasn't really ready to go, thanks to a very attractive blond girl who was obviously into him. She offered to come back with us to the hotel which Alan thought about, then decided was probably not a good idea. I'd already told him I could play on my phone for the thirty minutes it would take for him to nail her but he'd decided the risk of his father checking up on him was too high. It wasn't until we were in the car that he finally admitted he hadn't brought any condoms and the idea of searching some out was too much for him to deal with in a city he didn't know.

We got back and Alan immediately stripped down to take a shower and I assume relieve his blue balls. I got undressed and texted with Josh and Willy. Josh and Lane were having a night in at Lane's house and Willy was spending the night with Brent and they were deep into a game.

Alan finally reappeared and, when I laughed at him, he just flipped me off and went to put on underwear. I made my way to shower, got cleaned up, and went to bed feeling much better than I had in days.

Yeah, it occurred to me Kurt might lie. I wasn't altogether prepared for that, but I figured I'd be able to tell for some stupid reason. Still, I was able to sleep well for the first time in what seemed like ages.

The next morning we drove home. We all talked about some of the playing we'd seen, things we'd picked up on and Alan and I agreed with Ben and Andrew gone, we needed to spend time with some of the other guys like Frank and Reese to get them up a little bit. We still had a lot of good players returning but we were losing some who were far better. This trip had been about watching some good baseball and it had inadvertently turned into a wakeup call for us to bring other players up a notch.

When I got home, the first thing I did was take Henry for a walk since the house was empty. More and more, Henry reminded me of Dan in some ways, but he was definitely his own dog and it was a wonderful getting to know him. After almost six months together, I still felt like I was learning about him and he was picking up on things I did.

Darnell's parents had gone out of town for a week and left his older brother 'in charge', which effectively meant we could do what we wanted. He'd picked up some beer and shitty bourbon for us and then Darnell and Willy had to decided to have a dudes night. After dinner Josh drove me over to his house and I knocked on the door, only to find Darnell's brother Wayne behind it. Wayne had been kind of a dick to us when we were kids and that had continued when he was in college (he was now in grad school for his MBA). Last summer, Darnell had enough and kicked his ass when he was home. After that, there was a whole new and nicer Wayne. Except to me...

"And look here, it's little fairy princess!"

I just smiled back at him and shoved my way inside. Wayne was bigger than me but he was mostly fat so sliding past him wasn't hard.

He put his arm around my shoulders as we walked inside and said, "I'm actually really glad you finally came out."

I stopped and turned to look at him. "When did you know?"

He laughed, "Summer after y'all were in seventh grade. I have friends who are gay and I knew what it was like from hearing them tell stories about growing up. I figured you'd get there sooner or later. When you finally did, Darnell called and we had a long talk about it. I have to give it to my little brother, he's got a damn good head on his shoulders."

"I know, man."

Wayne left a little while later and we all started drinking and telling stories. I told them about the trip to Austin, leaving out some essential details, but not failing to mention what an excellent cock block I'd been for Alan which amused everyone thoroughly since in their opinion Alan crushed way too much ass as it was.

Of course, there was also porn which Darren had downloaded. We watched one crappy one and within thirty minutes everyone had made their way to the bathroom to take care of business. We all broke to go outside and hang out and then Darren announced he had a special treat, just for me.

That's right, he'd actually downloaded some stupid gay video and everyone just groaned. We made it five minutes into it before even I said to turn it off. I stood up and thanked everyone for their patience and understanding while Darren came over to give me a hug telling me, "You're still my boy!"

We spent the rest of the night talking and bullshitting, mostly about hooking up. Brent had lost his cherry to the new nanny his neighbors had hired to help out with their recently arrived twin boys. Darnell had hooked up with a girl he was unwilling to name and Willy, being the only one of us who was honorable, declined to say much about what he and Susie were doing other than that he was quite happy. George and Frank remained virgins, though Frank had already told me that he was close to getting with this senior Alan was very familiar with.

Then it turned to me. They already knew about Kami, what they were most curious about was if guys were better at giving blowjobs than chicks. I told them the truth, that GAY guys were better at giving head than chicks but that straight guys were pretty fucking bad at it.

And the reaction was stunned silence.

Darnell was the one who finally spoke up, "The fuck did you say?Straight guys are bad at it? Care to share a little more?"

I realized I'd vastly overstepped thanks to my need to be honest coupled with the Jim Beam and coke already coursing through my veins.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, again being completely truthful. Of course that wasn't enough and the badgering continued until I finally yelled out, "It was one straight dude. We just traded blowjobs and he was pretty bad at it."

Frank, laughing his ass off, yelled at me, "WHO WAS IT?!" and the rest of the guys laughed. I sat there for a second, thinking, and finally decided I didn't need to tell these morons every little detail of my damn sex life.

"I'm not telling you and it wouldn't do you any good any way. If it helps, it's no one you know."

I hated lying, especially to my friends, but I just couldn't give up Alan like that. We'd been there for each other for so long and talking out of school about something like that, even with this group of guys who I could trust with my life, would be an even bigger betrayal than lying to them. I opted for the lesser of two evils.

They kept at me for a little bit longer until Willy said something about Brian and I whipped my head around to stare at him. My reaction, thoroughly unintentional, made them think the mystery guy was Brian who was very much gay and gave fantastic head. I didn't confirm or deny it, but they all perceived my reaction to be confirmation and finally left it alone.

What they did not leave alone was their perception that I was THE MAN. Despite being small and constantly in my head, I'd managed to hook up with some really hot gay guys, one really hot chick, and even got a straight guy to blow me. The whole thing really cracked me up because none of them knew the backstories and that I was most definitely 'not the man' with most of the gay guys I'd been with, at least in so far as they would have perceived it. Brent and I caught each other's eyes at one point and I could tell he was really amused since out of all of them, even Willy, he'd been the one I'd discussed my sex life with the most.

The night wore on and we ended up watching another video then falling asleep. Honestly, in retrospect, what made the night special was that we all knew we were growing up and this was one of the last times we'd all be together like this. In less than year, we'd all be driving and a weekend night like this just wouldn't be a thing.

The next week I had the talk with Kurt and he gave me a very reasonable explanation for the mystery girl in Redbud. It was his cousin, which Mandy confirmed. Ben's friend had admitted that it could have been that, but that they did seem awfully close. Still, it was more than acceptable since it was what I wanted to hear. Six months later I learned about confirmation bias and actually laughed out in class.

The rest of June was pretty uneventful, save for the decision on the custody hearing date. After everyone had been deposed and Cat and I had our meetings with the judge, they'd finally decided to set it for Thursday, July 14th. Mother was really cool about the whole thing, like it was all going to be OK, but I knew she was suspecting the worst would occur. I'd overheard her and Neil talking late one night as I went into their room to tell them I was home and going to bed and she had said Daniels had offered a compromise to Gresham who had dismissed it.

I put it aside as much as I could focused on what was in front of me. Daddy had me working again this summer but my schedule wasn't nearly as bad. Mother had already told me I didn't need to do it if I didn't want to, but I realized that I liked to work and it gave me time to think. Mowing had become, for me, like fishing for a lot of people, a time when no one was bothering you and when you just had a simple task to complete.

The weekend of the Fourth, we'd planned to go to Darren's place on Lake Palestine, just Christopher, Darren, Kurt, and I. My mother, for once, was actually OK with the idea of us all spending time together unsupervised which surprised the hell out of me since I figured it would take a miracle to get her to say yes. She finally admitted she trusted Christopher and that was why she was OK with it.

We went up Saturday morning and spent Saturday out on the lake after getting the supplies into the house. We had a lot of fun and we met some guys who were in a house about a half mile away who were there for the weekend. They were all in school at TCU and were paired off, except for two of the guys who were obviously looking for something. One seemed to have his eye on Kurt, the other was definitely into Christopher. Darren was pretty oblivious until the late afternoon and then he basically told the guy he'd gut him like a fish if he even looked at Christopher.

Kurt, for his part, wasn't being openly flirtatious, but he also wasn't being actively dissuasive. Still, I was in a really good mood and didn't think much of it. I knew I was better looking than the bro from TCU and I just didn't act like I was bothered.

We went back in about 730 and started cooking after we got cleaned up. The guys from TCU showed up about 10 and it turned into a pretty decent party. I really didn't think I was drinking that much until it hit me like a brick and I was down for the count. I remember falling asleep in a chair on the patio and Darren waking me up. He helped me inside, then after a few stumbles, basically decided it would be easier if he just carried me in and put me on the bed in our room. He made sure I knew where the bathroom was and I had to tell him I wasn't sick, just really tired. I remember him laughing pretty hard at that, then walking out the door saying 'goodnight'.

I woke up to the sun streaming in through the windows, feeling pretty damn good. I had been honest when I told Darren I wasn't sick, just tired and the sleep had been really nice. I looked over at the clock and it read 721. I figured everyone had been up pretty late so I got up as quietly as I could to make my way to the kitchen. As I walked down the hall, I heard what sounded like people having sex. There was another bedroom right off the living room and I peeked in through the slightly open door, wondering who it was, only to see Kurt and the asshole from TCU going at it. From the angle, I could see Kurt's dick and I could see there wasn't a condom on it.

I just backed away from the door and went back to the room we were supposed to share that weekend. I quickly put what little I'd unpacked back in my bag, grabbed my phone, and made my way as silently as I could out of the house.

As I walked down the short drive to the street, I remembered there was a gas station about a mile away at the intersection of a highway. So I walked down there, churning over in my head what I had to do. It wasn't a quick walk since I was wearing flip flops and what I'd been wearing the night before, a tank top and pair of shorts. I think I looked as much like a refugee, dressed that way and carrying a bag, as anything.

When I got to the gas station I got some coffee and took a seat in one of the booths. I looked down at my phone and saw the time was a little after eight. I decided to text Josh.

"Are you up?"

The reply took about five minutes.

"Yeah, just got out of the shower. What's up?"

I sat there for about a minute and realized I had no other options. I could wait this out until I knew Alan was up and beg him to come get me without saying anything. But I knew that was just me wanting to avoid admitting to anyone that I'd badly misjudged the with whom I'd fallen in love. I started to cry as I replied to Josh.

"Need you to come pick me up. Exxon on Hwy 155 close to the intersection with Malibu Road near Lake Palestine."

The response took about 30 seconds.

"Be there in 75 minutes. Text me if anything changes."

"Thank you." was all I could type back.

I got up again to get some more coffee and ended up buying some Hostess crap to put something in my already churning stomach. I was hoping I could hold it together and I was doing a pretty good job until the lady at the register asked, "Sugar, is everything OK?"

I just looked back at her, tears already rolling down my cheeks, feeling as guilty, ashamed, and worthless as I ever had, and told her, "Not really, but I will be."

The look on her face just tore me up that much more, complete and total pity, maybe a bit of empathy, for a total stranger.

I paid for my purchases and went back to my booth. I knew I'd feel better after I ate so I dug into the junk with gusto, like it was the only meal I'd had for a week. As I ate, I realized I really didn't feel better but at least the rolling in my stomach was starting to dissipate. I tried hard not to think about what I'd seen, but the video of Kurt fucking that guy was burned into my brain. I know it sounds crazy, but I started thinking about what I'd done wrong. Had I not been enough? When we got back to the house last night, before we started dinner, we'd taken a long shower together and he'd fucked me. It wasn't like he'd been going without... or was it? Was fucking me somehow not enough? Was it so unsatisfying for him that he had to seek out a stranger while I slept in the same house?

And if that's the case, would I ever be enough for anyone? Would I just be someone who is always used?

I wasn't angry. I was hurt. I didn't want to lash out, I wanted to run and get away. We were finished, I decided that the moment I saw there was no condom. But at that point, I wasn't thinking about all the brutal ways I'd like to see him die for cheating on me... I just wanted to be safe and I knew right then I was anything but.

I'd been staring out the window watching traffic on the highway for a good thirty minutes before the lady at the register, whose nametag said VONDA in nice, neat white letters carved obviously by a machine into the slab of blue plastic, came and sat with me.

"I decided to take a break, do you mind if I join you?" she asked, her face warm and remarkably full of sympathy.

"Please," was all I could think to say to her.

She pulled over the ashtray sitting at the end of the table and lit up a cigarette. For some reason I asked her if I could try it.

"Baby, you don't smoke, do you?"

"No ma'am," I responded.

She looked at me appraisingly, "You're, what, sixteen? seventeen?"

"Fifteen, but I'll be sixteen in September."

That brought a big smile to her face. "Can't smoke unless your eighteen and, honestly, if you want a piece of free advice, don't start. Damn things are hell to quit."

"Yes ma'am."

"Now that's out of the way, why don't you tell me what's got you so wound up? You're not running from your momma and daddy, are you?"

I sort of laughed at that, "No ma'am, I'm actually running back to them. I'm waiting for my brother to come pick me up."

"OK, so what's your story?"

I took a sip from my coffee and said, " I really don't know where to begin..."

"Well," she said taking a long drag from her cigarette, "How about you start with getting fucked over by a guy?"

That made me smile, "Am I that obvious?"

"I knew it had to be a girl or a guy, just guessed from looking at you that it was probably a guy."

I laughed and told her about the last 24 hours. It wasn't terribly pretty and when I got to the part that morning, I relived the scene in my head of Kurt deep dicking the guy. I could still hear his moans of pleasure ringing in my ears. When I was done she just looked at me and smiled.

"He's got to be the dumbest motherfucker on the planet to cheat on someone like you."

I smiled back at her weakly and said, "Thanks, but I'm wondering if maybe it was something I did."

She huffed out, "Nope. I can already tell you the answer to that. You could give him anything he ever wanted and he'd still cheat. Some men are wired that way. I know it's hard, but you just gotta let 'em go and don't look back."

I nodded my head in agreement, "That's pretty much what I'm doing this morning."

"Good. Sweaty, there ain't nothing I can say that's gonna make this any easier, but you just gotta know inside yourself that this is for the best. This ending, as much as it hurts, is going to open up a much better door for you," and she stood up, then turned back to me, showing me her hand and playing with the wedding band on her finger, "And I should know, because it did for me."

I smiled at her and it was the first time since I'd been in bed that morning that I felt genuinely light.

"Thank you for talking to me."

She winked at me, "It was my pleasure. And if you need another refill, it's on me."

She walked back to the counter and went back to work. I looked down at my phone and got on Facebook to change my relationship status to single. I ended up playing a game for a while until I heard Josh's voice.

"Good morning, ma'am. I'm looking for..."

Vonda didn't miss a beat, "He's right over there," and pointed in my direction.

Josh walked over to me and I got up from the booth. When he reached me, he wrapped me in a hug and then pulled back, asking what happened.

I just smiled at him and said, "I'll fill you in on the way home. Let's go."

As we walked out I told Vonda thanks. Her talk meant a lot more to me than just a simple thanks, but I wasn't capable of showing much more than that at the time and I can only hope she understood.

We got in the car and Josh looked over at me, face filled with worry.

"Dude, I'll tell you everything just drive us home."

"You sure this isn't something better dealt with here?" he asked, obviously thinking about throwing Kurt what I can only assume would be a legendary beating.

"Yes, I'm completely sure."

He finally started to drive and I told him what had happened. He was furious and really wanted to beat Kurt, but I told him to back the hell down. This was my life and I was dealing with it.

"You're dealing with it? Let me DEAL with it. He deserves me, not you."

"Josh, you can't beat up someone for dicking me over. You're as bad as Willy sometimes and I love you both so much for it. But, seriously, this is one fight I have to have on my own and it's not going to get done with fists."

"OK, then LET me do this. You're my brother, I love you, and I'm begging you to please let me take this asshole down."

I sighed, "No."

"But..."

"I said no, Josh. Besides, from what Alan told me he already has so many people that hate him and have left him alone because of me, it won't be long until one of them beat his ass."

Josh finally relented, and relaxed his grip on the steering wheel, which made me feel much better.

"You have to understand, I want to hurt anyone who hurts you. It's going to be hard for me to let this go."

I looked over at him with a smile on my face, "I know and I appreciate it. I put you into this position by not getting rid of him sooner. I just thought that we'd turned a corner a few weeks ago. That maybe I'd finally gotten through to him. I know I was wrong and I know this is my fault. I can't have you putting yourself in jeopardy just to even the score for something I should have already dealt with. I just couldn't live with it."

He reached over and cupped the back of my head. It was really amazing the things he'd picked up from my mother, especially the little things that would calm me down and let me know without equivocation how much he cared.

We continued to drive in silence until Lane called. Josh answered, "Good morning."

You could almost hear the smile on Lane's face, "Good morning to you! Have you talked to Rob?"

Josh looked at me and I nodded back, "Yeah, he's in the car with me. Say hi!"

"Oh, man, are you ok? I saw your update on Facebook. I'm guessing things didn't go well."

I laughed, "No, they didn't. I woke up this morning to find Kurt fucking some guy we connected with yesterday. I bailed and ran off to a gas station to wait for Josh to pick me up. Total nightmare."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry. How long did it take you to convince Josh not to go beat the shit out of him?"

Both of us laughed, but Josh finally responded, "The better part of ten minutes."

"So you guys are heading back?"

"Yep," Josh said. "Should be home in time for lunch. You still coming over?"

"I am. See you then. And Rob, I love you and I fucking hate that guy." That made me laugh.

"Love you too, Lane."

Not long after, we stopped for a soda and I got a text from Christopher.

"Where are you?"

I responded, "Got up a little after seven and found Kurt fucking one of the TCU bros. Bailed. Josh came to get me and I'm heading home."

"Shit. That explains why he's asleep in the other room. We thought y'all had a fight or something. Why didn't you get me up? I would have taken you."

"And ruin your time with Darren? No fucking way."

"You're too good for that fucker. What do you want me to tell him?"

"The truth. Tell him if he wants to discuss, he can text me, but we're done."

"OK. Drive safe. Tell Josh we said hi. I'm really sorry this happened, Rob."

"Thanks man, I'll talk to you later."

When Josh got back in the car I filled him on the text from Christopher and we kept on driving. Josh tried to keep things as lighthearted as possible, but he needn't have. Ever since my conversation with Vonda, I'd been pretty well at peace. I knew this was going to hurt when I really had a chance to think about it, but for now I was just so happy to be heading home that it was all well tamped down.

We made it back to the house and I filled mother and Neil in on what happened. Mother looked at me oddly and I can tell she knew something was off. I told her I wanted to lay down for a bit and she walked with me back to my room. This was the conversation I didn't want to have with Josh and Neil. If Josh knew what I was about to tell mother, there would have been nothing to stop him from beating Kurt to within an inch of his life.

We got to my room and Henry hopped up on the bed. I asked mother to close the door and I told her about the barebacking. She gasped.

"You can't say anything to anyone. Josh will kill him if he finds out and all we really need to do is get me tested on Tuesday."

She just looked at me, her face filled with both anger and worry as the tears began to well up. "How could you do this? You know better..."

I looked over at Henry, then down at my feet. I wanted so badly to tell her without breaking down. "I thought we were monogamous and we'd both been tested," I got that out before the tears really started to flow, "I was in love with him and I thought I could trust him. I was really wrong and I'm so sorry to load this onto you right now."

She came over and hugged me tightly. We both just sat there, crying, for what seemed like minutes. She finally looked at me.

"I love you no matter what. I know how you felt about him and I'm not going to beat you up over this. I'm going to make some calls and I'll see what I can do about getting it done on Tuesday."

"Can we keep this between us?" I asked.

She just smiled, "Of course." Then she hugged me again, "We're going to get through this. Don't worry."

"Thanks, mom."

After she left I set an alarm for an hour and laid down with Henry who curled up in front of me, something he only did when he knew I was upset. The calm that had descended on me after speaking with Vonda was rapidly lifting and I knew I needed to get through the today and tomorrow without anyone knowing anything.

I got up and spent the rest of the day with Lane and Josh, swimming and hanging out. About 230 Alan came over with his current girlfriend. All afternoon I got messages from people asking what had happened with me and Kurt and I just told them we broke up, no reason to go into all the gory details.

Later I heard from Willy and the other guys, who I gave a little more detail. I finally put them all on a group text. Like Josh, they had decided they needed to defend my honor, even after I explained I had none. Jokes didn't work and they didn't even know the worst of it. At that point, neither did I. I was starting to get more than a little exasperated with all the 'LET'S KICK HIS ASS' machoness coming off my friends until I remembered something Brian had said...

"Don't get mad at the people who love you for loving you. They can't help it. And I can tell you those guys think the world of you. God help anyone who ever hurts you because those three guys will bury the fucker."

He was referring to Alan, Lane, and Josh but he may as well have been talking about all my friends. I finally got through to them by admitting the same thing to them I told Josh in the car, that this was MY fault for not ending things with him a month ago. If I was really truthful, I should have ended things that afternoon Lane was in the hospital. Hope, it turns out, is a powerful drug. At any rate, that finally did the trick and everyone calmed down.

We had dinner and settled in for a movie. It was nice to have some downtime with everyone and I was, in a weird way, happy things had gone the way they had or I wouldn't have been there to enjoy that time with them.

The next day Neil had a party planned. People started to show up about 730 and the fireworks started around 9. Just about everyone came except George who was tied up with something his family was doing. I was most glad that I hadn't heard from Kurt and that he didn't show up. When Christopher got there with Darren, he just told me that Kurt had taken off before they were ready to leave earlier in the day. He thought the same thing I did, that he'd gone to the house where the TCU guys were all staying. It was really perfect for someone like him, don't deal with the damage you've done and instead take care of yourself.

The next morning we had breakfast and mother told me to get ready to leave at 10. We stopped at her bank on the way out of town and she pulled a few thousand dollars, then drove into Dallas to Presbyterian to see an old friend of hers, Dr. Nelson. I'd only met her a few times, but she was one of those people my mother kept in contact with. Thankfully, she was able to help.

She was really nice as the nurse took my blood, but I was a little freaked out about the questions.

"When do you believe you were exposed?" she asked.

"Saturday night around 8pm." I told her.

"Have you had previous exposure to the person you think may be positive?"

"Yes ma'am, the last time was about five weeks ago."

She sighed, "OK. John, put in an order for an HIV NAT on the blood you're drawing." Then she turned to my mother, "That test will let us know if there's any HIV in his blood. If nothing shows up, then there's only the exposure from Saturday. I'm going to write you a prescription for post exposure prophylaxis. Make sure he takes the entire course of treatment, then we can have him retested after it's done to get the final all clear.

Honestly, I don't think you have anything to worry about if the NAT comes back clean. I don't want you to worry about this. I'll have the results back Thursday and I'll call you. Even if he's clean, though, I still want to keep him on the PEP to make sure he isn't infected from the exposure on Saturday."

Then, she turned to me, "Now, is this is the last time we're going to have to do this?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good. Your mother doesn't need the scare and I know I sure as hell don't," she finished with a small smile.

We went to get something to eat while waiting for Walgreens to get the prescription together. They were pretty funny when they looked at it, then back at up at my mother, and told her the cost. She said that's fine and they asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." was the only thing she said in response and only betrayed a hint of exasperation. When we got back in the car she was mumbling, "Yes, I'm sure. I have money. Do I look like I don't have money?"

While we were eating she wanted to talk about everything going on. Starting with Kurt. I gave her all the details, from the first time to the last. I'm pretty sure the last thing she wanted to do that day was here about the details of her baby boys sex life, but as she reminded me, we needed to be able to talk about things like this.

Two hours later we were on our way back. I'd taken the first PEP dose in the car and would take the rest of them every morning for the next 30 days.

I went to work as usual the next day and Thursday. Thursday morning, when I took a break from mowing, I looked at my phone to see a text from my mother. My test came back negative, but I had to stay on the PEP. It was only a first step to making sure I was safe, but it WAS a huge relief, I won't lie. The rest of the day was a breeze.

For the next week everything just seemed OK. It wasn't just the relief from the negative test, it was having Kurt out of my life. I was genuinely happy for the first time in ages, not pretending to be happy. At least I was until the next Friday. The hearing had been the day before and that afternoon at 430 the judge made his decision. My father was granted full custody and my mother was given Sunday afternoon and evening as her visitation time. No weeks. No weekends. Just Sunday.

The changes would go into effect when we got back from California. On Monday, August 15th, Cat and I would start living with my father full time.

We were anything BUT happy about it. Mother and Neil met with Daniels and another attorney the following week to plan an appeal. I knew it didn't look good and secretly, I'd already started planning on how things would be different. Once I turned 18, I was done with this custody nonsense and I would absolutely move back in with Mother and Neil. I didn't even tell my father about it, there was no need.

We had decided to go to Laguna on the 23rd in order to be back in Texas by August 7th so Josh could start two a days on the 8th. That Friday morning, bright and early, my father called to inform mother that when we got back, he would be relocating us to Plano. It was easily within the 50 mile bubble prescribed by the judge. I found out about this at breakfast that morning. I was still shellshocked from the decision the week before and I just sat there, eating a croissant, as mother broke the news. I didn't respond when she was done. She finally leaned over to me, and touched me and I all could say is, "It's fine. It's just another kick to the teeth. I can take it."

I could, too. I found myself accepting the idea that I shouldn't get too comfortable since things would all change, based on the whims of someone else, as soon as the universe rolled one turn forward. I was going to make the best of whatever because the alternative just flat out sucked. It wasn't even about control, it was acknowledging that life wasn't easy and wasn't ever going to be.

It was like a game was being played with me, crack the whip, and I was just taking my place for the whipping.

I finished up breakfast and hugged my mom as tightly as I could. As she looked at me, I said the words that popped into my head, "What he's doing to himself is permanent. What he's doing to us is temporary."

She hugged me back, hard and said, "No matter what happens, you will always be my baby and I love you."

Lane and I had decided to go shopping before we left. He picked me up a little after eleven and we drove into Dallas. We decided to hit NorthPark first, then we could decide if we needed to go somewhere else. I told him on the way what had happened with my father and he was really upset by it. I told him mother and Neil were going to try to fight it, but I was certain there wasn't enough time to keep me from starting school in Plano. We kept talking about it until I finally told him that I really just wanted to concentrate on having fun the next two weeks. Things would get real soon enough and I just didn't want to think about it any more.

We got to the mall about 1145 and spent about an hour shopping before we decided we needed lunch. We settled on Maggianos. We ordered and were talking about stupid shit when I noticed a good looking guy, sitting about thirty feet away, looking over at me. I'd already looked over to see if maybe he was trying to make eye contact with someone else but there was only an older couple and an obviously overwhelmed mother with four kids sitting in his line of site from me. So, I finally looked over at smiled at him, and he smiled back, but it wasn't a normal smile. It was like he was sad.

I pretty much ignored it since not long after the food came out and I was pretty hungry. I was so concentrated on the food, I didn't even notice when the guy came over to our table until I heard Lane say, "Can I help you?"

I looked up into the eyes of this guy who couldn't have been much older than us. He smiled at me and asked, "You're Rob Hallstrom, aren't you?"

I nodded yes, but didn't speak.

"May I sit down?" he asked.

I looked over at Lane who just shrugged, and I told him, "Sure. How do you know me?"

He sat down and said, "Actually I don't. I know of you. I'm one of the guys Kurt Perkins was dating."

"The hell did you say?" I asked, indignant.

He cleared his throat, "We were both dating the same lying, cheating, sack of shit."

I just sat there, feeling my head spin. Lane told me later on that as soon as the words left his mouth, it was like all the blood left my face.

"I'm sorry," he continued, "I thought you knew and that was why you broke up with him."

I took a sip of water and looked back at him, "I actually caught him cheating on me with another guy the weekend of the fourth. I was sleeping literally fifteen feet away when we was fucking another guy."

"Oh, well, that makes three men and two women that I know of."

"You're kidding me?"

"Nope. Our boy got around a lot."

"How'd you find out about me?"

"Ah, well, that took some time. I figured he had something on the side in his school. He kept going to baseball games and I wondered if it might be because he was fucking around with a player. I did a little investigating and found out the baseball team only had one gay player. When I saw it was you, I was pretty sure you were the guy. When I went to one of your games, and I saw him kiss you afterwards, I realized he wasn't cheating on me with you, he was cheating on both of us. I ended it with him in June. I've been following you on Facebook... you remember your old, really hot friend from Austin?"

In truth, I didn't. Then it hit me. Some guy named Mark Ambrose had friended me after Alan and I went to Austin. I figured it was someone I'd met at the party we'd gone to and didn't remember all that well. His pic was really hot and didn't really look like the guy sitting at our table.

He noticed my confusion, "It's a fake picture. I didn't use a real one or my name because I didn't want him to see it. I was going to contact you after the fourth when I got back. Then I noticed I didn't need to. I know this sucks, but I broke it off with him as soon as I knew about you. I also wanted to advise you to get tested as soon as possible since he had a thing for bareback."

I cleared my throat, "I know. I had a clear NAT done on the fifth and I've been on PEP just in case he infected me the last time we had sex." I glanced over at Lane who looked like he was in shock and gave him a weak smile. I then looked back at the guy and realized I didn't even know his name.

"What's your name?"

"Trevor Landis." he said with a smile. "Well, it's nice to meet you, though I wish the circumstances were different."

"No, man, it's OK. At this point, nothing really surprises me about Kurt. How did the two of you meet?"

He let out a little laugh, "Well, small towns. I'm from Paris originally. My parents moved into Dallas about a year ago. We'd decided to break up since it would be too hard trying to work things out over the distance. Then, when he moved to Ouichita and was so much closer, we decided to get back together."

"Fuck. So, almost from the moment he asked me out..."

"He was cheating on you with me and God only knows who else. If it's any consolation, I think we were his only two relationships. I have to give it to him, he does have good taste, at the risk of sounding vain."

I laughed, "I was going to say same thing."

"Seriously, Rob, I didn't mean to dump all this on you like this. I really just wanted to make sure you knew and were taking steps to get safe. I'll leave y'all now."

He held out his hand as he got up, "If you ever want to talk with someone who understands, hit me up on the fake Facebook profile."

Lane and I finished lunch and I could tell he had a million questions, which he decided to leave alone until we got back in the car. I answered what I could and then asked him to stop because I really just needed time to think. To be honest, I was worried enough without the added worry from him.

As we drove back I sent a message to Trevor's fake profile on Facebook and told him that my father was moving us to Plano in a few weeks and that it would be good to have someone I knew in the area, even if I only knew them through our mutual shitbag ex. He responded to call him when I got settled in. Trevor went to Hillcrest in Dallas so the likelihood of our crossing paths was minimal. Still, he did seem like a decent guy and it never hurt to have someone who might be able to get me out of the house for the month or so I'd be there until I could get my license.

When we got back to the house, Lane went to drop his stuff off in Josh's room since he was going to be staying with us that night so we could all ride to the airport together the next day. I took out Henry and then went to my room to drop my bags. I got on my computer and a little while later, Lane came in asking if I had a second to talk.

"Sure," I replied. "As long as it's not about Kurt."

"I'm sorry, but it has to be," which caused me to groan. He continued, "Look, I can only imagine how you've been feeling and what you've been going through, but you have to tell Josh what's been going on. You can't put this secret on me especially since I know I'll never be able to keep it."

I raised my voice, "I never asked you to. I never wanted anyone to know and you just happened to be there today at the right time. Look, it'll tear Josh to pieces and he'll want to kill the guy. Hell, what if he just really fucks him up and then he's got a record for assault. Have you thought for a second what that could do to him?"

"Of course I have," Lane replied, just as loudly. "But you made him a promise to talk to him and not take all this on yourself."

"Take what on yourself, and why are you guys shouting?" Josh said from the hallway. I threw my hands up as he walked through the open door. I don't think either of us had even considered that he might be home.

I just glared at Lane, "Go on, tell him."

And Lane just glared back, "No, you need to."

Josh, clearly agitated, "What the hell are you two fighting about? What do you need to tell me?"

I looked him in the eye and every bit of defiance, of the need to keep this private, melted away. He was concerned and it was a look I'd seen many times, one that I knew never went away.

I started to cry, because what I had to tell him was painful to admit. I'd been used, sure, but I'd been stubborn and refused to break it off with someone I already knew was bad news. Now, I was being forced to admit something to my brother that I just didn't want to admit, because it made me look weak and pathetic. I rocked in my chair for a bit, trying to regain some control. If I was going to do this, I wasn't going to do it as a blubbering mess.

He finally broke the silence, "Rob, you can tell me anything. Just please let me help." I could see Lane start to tear up. I started off haltingly, knowing this was going to change his opinion of me for the worse and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"We had lunch at Maggianos in NorthPark today and while we were there, a guy came over to our table and introduced himself as Kurt's other boyfriend."

The concern evaporated as his face turned dark, "What?"

"His name is Trevor. They'd been dating in Paris, but then his parents moved to Dallas and they broke off their relationship. Then they got back together when Kurt moved to Ouichita."

"So, what you're saying is, he was dating you both?" he asked.

I bowed my head a little, "It was more than that. He was having sex with us both. And with others. It had been going on since we started dating and, and, and..."

Lane spoke up, softly, "Rob, it's OK. Just tell him."

I tried to regain some composure, but it wasn't really working, "We'd had the talk about being monogamous because he wanted to stop using condoms all the time..."

"Oh, God, no..."

"But he lied to me. The guy I caught him with the weekend of the Fourth? He was fucking him bareback."

"I'll fucking kill him. I'll crack his fucking head open..."

"NO,"I screamed, trying to regain some control over the situation. Then, more calmly, I continued, "No, you can't. Nothing has changed from the conversation we had in the car, I did continued this too long and put myself at risk by not getting out when I should have. You can't jeopardize your future for my inability to end a relationship with an asshole."

Josh responded to clinched teeth, "Of course I can. He put you at risk and lied to you to do it."

"Yes, but I've been tested and I'm negative. Not enough time had elapsed since the last time we had sex for the test to be cover that so, just as a precaution, they put me on post exposure prophylaxis to kill any HIV that might be there. I'm going to be OK." I hoped.

Josh was a mess, his face streaked with tears. He walked over and gave me a tight hug. "You should have told me sooner," he said, holding me so close to him I could feel his strong heartbeat.

"This was exactly what I wanted to avoid. I didn't want you to know because I was weak."

"You were in love with someone who toyed with your emotions and lied to you. And then you've dealt with the consequences all on your own. That's not being weak." he said.

I pulled back a bit and looked up into his eyes, "Promise me you're not going to hunt him down. This isn't worth you getting arrested for."

He sniffled a bit, then let out a small laugh, "I don't know, it might be worth a night or two in jail."

"Don't joke, Josh."

"I'm not going to hunt him down. There, are you happy?" he asked.

"Yes," then I looked over at Lane, "I'm sorry for yelling at you." and I walked over to hug him.

"It's OK, you needed to get this out."

They left my room a little while later after I pleaded with them to keep today to themselves. I didn't want Neil and mother bogged down with this bullshit. Then, I laid down to take a quick nap and woke up to find mother sitting on the edge of my bed, petting Henry.

"Hey, mom," I said.

"Did you have a good nap?" she asked.

"Yep, I feel a lot better."

"Well, Neil and I about to watch a movie and there's dinner left if you want to eat and join us."

I looked over at the clock and saw the time, 815. "Oh, I guess I missed dinner."

"Yeah, but we left you something to eat." she said with a wink.

I got up and followed her to the kitchen and served myself, then settled in with them to watch a movie, I think it was called Mother which they both absolutely loved. At one point I asked where Josh and Lane were and Neil said they'd gone into town to see a movie.

The movie ended up being pretty funny, though there were a few things they had to explain to me, like call waiting and picture phones. Neil told me that the lead in it, Albert Brooks, had some other funny movies that he'd thought I'd like and promised me we'd watch Defending Your Life when we were in California.

By 1030 I was back in my room on my computer, talking to Richard over Skype and filling him on what had happened. His reaction was a lot more intense than I thought it would be.

"You should back off Josh and let him handle things his way," he said.

"But, Richard, you have to understand..."

"No, there's nothing to understand. And if I was there, I'd have already beaten that motherfucker down. He fucking deserves it and there's nothing you're going to say that alters that."

We talked a little while longer until I heard a knock at my door which turned out to be Lane and Josh. I told Richard I had to go, then looked back at them and realized immediately what had happened. I saw the evidence on Josh's torn up knuckles.

I started to say something, but Lane stopped me.

"We didn't go after him, we just happened to run into him," he said. There was no smirk or obvious indication he was playing with the words.

"How bad?"

Josh smiled, "He's in pretty bad shape, how detailed do you want me to be?"

I was flustered, standing to walk over to him, "How are you? Did he hurt you?"

Josh just shrugged, "He got in a few decent punches and I'll have a black eye. But at least I won't be limping and eating through a straw, not mention feeling the pain of some broken ribs."

I smiled, I swear to God I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. "I want to be mad at you..."

"But you can't,"Josh finished. "No cops, no arrest, no one that's ever going to say anything. He got what he deserved and you know it."

"Thank you, Josh."

He just nodded and they left my room. Honestly, it did make me happy, I won't lie. Kurt was a miserable person who deserved what he got. It felt good, viscerally, but it didn't fix the problem I had inside.

I tried to sleep for a couple of hours. There was a pretty decent thunderstorm going and I finally just got up and went to nuke some milk, thinking it would help me sleep. After I warmed up the mug, I went into the living room and sat down to watch the storm. I don't know how long I was there, wrapped in my own thoughts, before I heard Neil's voice.

"Hey, kiddo, you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm just thinking about some things," I told him.

"Like Kurt?" he asked.

Before I could even respond, he continued, "Your mom told me what's been going on."

"How much did..."

"All of it. Josh and Lane filled in the gaps from today."

"Well, that makes everyone except Cat."

"You never should have tried to keep it to yourself in the first place," he said.

I let out a shallow breath, "I know. I just didn't want to admit what a failure I was and how badly I misjudged him."

"Well, that's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. I was afraid that might be the case."

I bent over to put the milk on the coffee table, "I just don't know what to do. I opened myself up and never for a second considered the consequences."

He laughed, "Of course not. You never do when you're in love. You just put yourself out there and hope for the best. That's what I wanted to tell you, don't ever give up on that. Don't let what this dirtbag did make you hopeless and cynical. You're such a beautiful person that you have to share that with someone. I can't promise you there won't be another Kurt, but if there is, you'll know to cut it off sooner. If there isn't, you'll open yourself up to something amazing.

It's like me and your mother. I started to fall in love with her not long after we moved to Texas. I knew she was married, so I kept my distance. Then she and your father got divorced, but I waited until I saw her face when I walked into this room at that New Years party, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember the party but I don't know about the look you're talking about..."I said.

"You wouldn't, it wasn't for you. I'd gone to my room to take a call and when I came back into the living room, I looked for your mother. We'd been having such a good time and I was looking forward to continuing it. Then, when I saw her, she was talking one of the servers about something. Then she looked over at me and if I'd been able to I'd have married her right there, on the spot."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I've only seen that look in the face of one other woman, Josh's mother. I knew in that instant, I would do anything I could to make your mother as happy as she made me."

"That's really sweet Neil. I had no idea."

"Well, thank you, but that's not why I'm telling you this. That was your mother being vulnerable. That was me being vulnerable. We showed our cards and we knew we were already in love. It's how I knew Josh was in love with Lane that first afternoon they were together. I took them to get ice cream, then sat on the other side of the place and watched them. Well, I tried not to be too obvious about it, but I knew when I saw that look on Josh's face that he was in love. He got lucky. So did I, so did your mom. You will, too, I promise, but you have to keep going and not allow yourself to go hard."

"It's just hard because I feel so stupid."

"I know, and that will pass. You have to remember, someone took advantage of you and it's not because you were dumb, it's because they abused you. That's over now. What do you from here on is up to you."

"Thanks Neil. For everything."

"I love you, Rob. I know I tell you that all the time, and I do it because I want you to know it."

"I do, Neil. And I love you, too."

He got up and I continued to sit there a while longer, looking out the window at the rain and lightning, thinking about what he'd said. He was right, I knew that viscerally, but I had to make the decision to not let my past ruin my future.

As I got up to go back to bed, I realized there was no way in hell I was going to let Kurt effect the rest of my life. I'd dealt with worse and survived, from coming out to knowing that I was always going to deal with anxiety.

And I would survive this.

Thank you for reading. And, if you're not clear on the timing, things about to turn around in a big way for Rob. Any comments can be sent to doncornelius69 at yahoo dot com.

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