This is installment two of my series, "What Am I Worth?" This chapter gives more background in the sotry, something which I love to have. I plan to head into more action in future installments.
What Am I Worth?
Part 2
The next morning was a Sunday morning, meaning I could relax and sleep in. Usually I was not exactly a morning person, as I was usually a giant bitch to anybody in my path until I'd at least had my morning glass of juice to wake me up. However, this morning it was different. I was up at nine a.m. sharp, and not even tired. I opened up the blinds and pulled up the windows in my room and felt the fresh morning air. It was a beautiful day, neither hot and humid or freezing cold, just calm and comfortable. I had a little boost in my self-esteem from the night before, and I intended to savour it while I could. I straightened up my room and felt refreshed and energized. When I looked in the mirror, I felt more attractive and human than ever before. Considering that usually after one of my encounters, I usually felt sort of cheap and undesirable, I found it amusing. I smiled and tried to be positive -- after all, I have something to be positive about! As I completed my morning stretches and yoga in the sunshine, I brushed my teeth and made my way downstairs to be greeted by an unpleasant surprise -- my parents were back.
"Mom, dad, why are you back so soon?" I asked, trying not to sound TOO disappointed. My mother looked up from her coffee and decided to acknowledge me.
"The wedding was awful. We decided that spending another day with your Aunt Norma was too much. Besides, we didn't think YOU would have a big a party or anything and surprise us," she replied in her mocking, sarcastic tone. She knew that I did not have that many friends, and she used it as ammo against me. Apparently when she was younger, she was the life of the party and everyone wanted to be around her, and I, as her offspring, was expected to have the similar charm. Then again, she pushed me into all kinds of sports when I was younger since she also believed that boys who were no good at sports were sissies. Eventually, she dropped the pushiness and just declared me a disappointment of a child. She was very traditional and we both argued a lot with each other about my life and where it was going.
I poured myself a glass of orange juice, gulped it down, and decided that I was in no mood to start with her today. "Alright, mom, that's just fine." I said calmly, with a fake smile pasted on my face to make it seem believable. Her reaction was that of disappointment, as I suppose having arguments is her greatest purpose here on earth. Not today, though, was she going to ruin my happiness and satisfaction. I live for myself above all, and if I didn't fulfill their expectations, tough luck!
I quickly dressed myself in the only clean pair of shorts and an old t-shirt so that I could jog around the neighborhood and be with my thoughts. A few slow winds came my way, and it felt great while I ran along the sidewalks, realizing that people seldom appreciate the simple things in life anymore. A couple of miles down, I caught my friend Teresa across the street. She waved me over and I decided it was time for a pit stop. I scurried on over to her old, grand house which sat in an isolated little corner of the neighborhood. She stood there in a floral dress, her hair tied back and shoes perfectly polished. Teresa moved here from another state last year, and she was definitely the embodiment of the word "homestyle." She loved to cook, clean, decorate, entertain and do all the other things you would expect out of a housewife. While most of the girls at our school were concerned about getting into Ivy League schools, sports, boyfriends and the prom, Teresa was a homebody and found herself with home economics. She made me think of one of those 50's tv show wives, dressed with an apron and a big smile plastered across their face all the time. At this point, she was one of my better friends because I found a lot of the similar things interesting. She gave me a quick hug. "It's so good to see you, Chris! It's been at least a couple of weeks; I thought you fell off the face of the earth!" She yelped
"With work all day, I sort of feel the same way," I lightly responded as I took off my shoes in her front room. It was clean and perfectly decorated, and I could sense the smell of something baking in the kitchen. "What's that I smell? I think I'm in heaven!" "Come on, I am working on a lemon macadamia cake as we speak, and you can help." We both moved into the kitchen and I helped her out as she put together the ingredients.
"So Chris, how is life? I never see you, no one ever sees you. You're being declared a shut-in, you know."
"I told you, I've just been busy and most of the time I am too tired to even do anything, anymore."
"Bullshit!" she boldly declared, looking me straight in the eye as I stirred the batter, hands on her hips in that motherly way. "You have to stop avoiding people, Chris! I know you think you are some freakish creation and need to hide yourself away, but you are so totally wrong!" she scolded me. "you have a handsome face, you work out enough to have a nice body, you dress well, and to top it off, you're deep. You think so much that you've become neurotic and won't let anyone into your little iron-walled world. I, for a fact, know that there are plenty of girls who would LOVE to have you, like Beth." She cracked up laughing, and so did I at that moment, as I knew exactly what she was talking about.
"I told you that if you EVER did that again, I would send a bounty hunter out on you." Teresa's Conservative nature also made it hard for her to accept the fact that I did not like girls in that particular way, so she took it upon herself to help me see more clearly. One night after my admittance, she called me up for a night out and we decided we would meet at one of our favorite local cafes. To my surprise, one of her friends, Beth, was waiting for me there. I still remember that disastrous right second for second. She was dressed up like some eager debutante awaiting her gentlemen callers. I tried to make the best of it, but I think if anything made a giant seal of confirmation on my homosexuality, it was that night. According to Teresa, I was only confused because I was too exposed to the "superficial sluts that inhabit our high school," and needed to meet a sweet, mature woman. Anyway, I knew Teresa considered it a great waste that I had gone gay and not found anyone to be with yet.
"I've met a man!" I proclaimed to her, stretching out my arms for emphasis.
"No way, how do shut-in's fine it so easy to find men, yet I can't find anyone suitable?" She whined.
"It's not a romantic interest, dear. I decided that having a gay friend would be sort of nice. I have my girls and then there's Jake. I think expanding my horizons would do me some good."
She immediately jumped me with a million questions. "Who is he? Is he good-looking? Is he nice? Is her charming? How'd you meet him? Do I know him?" she frantically fired away at me. I was pretty sure revealing his identity would not be the brightest idea, so I decided to play with her head.
"Terry, what can I say? He is a movie star who was hanging around on the beach during vacation. He came up to me and told me, `I have been watching you for days and I am absolutely in love with you, and I want to take you away to California so that you can be rich and live with me forever and ever." Ouch! She punched me in the arm. "You are such a friggin' drama queen; I can not believe you never considered theater. Now tell me who he really is!"
I came up with a strong, serious tone. "I met him last night, let's just say we didn't intend to meet but it just sort of happened. He is someone I knew from the past but never got very close to. Yes, he is good-looking, smart, sweet, charming and everything else, but I don't think he'd be pleased if I outed him to the world. Who knows if he'll even call me back?" I sighed with the depressing thought of being broken by his rejection. It had happened before with other people, and it definitely did not help me to gain any self-worth. Terry grabbed by shoulders, looking happy enough that I had some new hope in my life.
"Be patient and positive," she started off in her teacher tone once again, "and please don't forget us all when Mr. Dreamboat here takes up all your time." I blushed and considered it again. A few years ago, I would have been full of hope that some handsome prince was going to come and take me away from all my misery. However, as you mature through high school (or at least I did), you come to understand that real life does not work like a fairy tale unless you look like the cover model for a gay porn magazine. No, that dreamy guy who sits in your Physics class, and is always surrounded by people, probably does not have a secret crush on you like you do on him. Things are not that perfect, nor should they be. The hurdles make you stronger and more wise, as long as you don't crash into them.
I spent a good amount of time at Terry's place, helping her with all of her creative endeavors and enjoying every moment of it. When I looked up at the clock the next time, it was 3:00, and I got myself out of there quick enough to continue my jog and make my way home. I was in desperate need of checking for any trace of communication from Alex. To my chagrin, I saw my oldest friend Rob awaiting my arrival. He was lounged out on the porch, sunglasses on and relaxed. He lived only across the street, and that is how we established a bond of some sort, about twelve years ago on the first day of school. We were both dorks as kids, but he grew up into a good-looking, extremely charming guy, whereas I was seen as the ice prince. I had to admit, there were a lot of people who wanted him, but I lost those feelings a long time before he became the looker he is today. Being best friends with a straight guy is an interesting formula. On the one hand, we grew apart a little bit, but we communicated on a mature level. Over time, he made more and more friends, but I think he stuck by me because I saw him for who he really is, and didn't just think of him as some dreamboy. Over time, he helped me through my issues and was supportive, even protective, of me as we went through high school.
He looked up at me from his resting position and smiled. I could keep my little secret away from anyone else, but I had to tell him, especially since he always told me to open up more and pursue my gay life (whatever that means, anyway). I hopped up the steps and greeted him with a quick hug. "Rob dude, what the hell are you doing up this early on a Sunday? I thought the party last night would have passed you out til' Tuesday!" I inquired into his ear, as loud as I could. I knew the reaction I would get, and he sat up, grabbing his head. Serves him right, I thought.
"Geeeeeeeeezzzzzz!!! Why'd you have to go and do that?"
"You're hungover -- again? I guess you had a pretty wild night!"
"It was so dull that I had to get drunk, otherwise I would have shot myself listening to Jeremy Parker discuss his future as a movie star."
"I think I would have preferred the gun, myself." I gave him a grin. "So what are you doing over here, anyway?"
His smile turned into a frown and he looked quite pissed off at my inquiry. "Oh, sorrrrrreeeeeeeee....I was not aware that meeting your best friend without an invitation is considered unholy in your warped world! I think I will leave you to your solitude now." He got up to leave, but I gripped his arm. "I'm sorry. You know you are always welcome here."
"Screw you!" he yelped and then I jumped in his path and knelt down and mocked on his dramatic dialogues. "I, the humble creature, place myself in front of the almighty Robert to ask for forgiveness in my grave sin!" I belted out with my hands together and my puppy dog eyes. "Besides," I whispered, "I have some personal gossip and would think it highly undignified for you to leave without hearing all." I knew this was his weak spot, and I stood up as he proudly declared, "Alright, then! I suppose I could grace you with my presence for a little while." I opened the door and invited him in, trying to figure out how to break the news to him. He started to hound me for information like an annoying little kid. "Who? What? Where? Why? How? Spill all details!" he looked me straight in the eye "Is it THAT kind of gossip?" He inquired, putting a sexy tone to the idea.
"Uhhh.....well....I guess that.....umm...sort of." As expected, he leaped up in excitement and grabbed me by the arms.
"Who is it? Do I know him? How'd you meet him? Did you guys screw? This is great, you and me can go on double dates with Michelle and this mystery man!"
"First off, I only met him last night and while I think he is fantastic, I don't know if he likes me like that, and I don't think it's really that serious..." He immediately cut me off
"Oh god! You are so predictable! I think you need to really lose this `the world is down on me' attitude. You are an intelligent, good-looking guy, and you can be charming when you want to be. Leave it to me, I am going to make sure you have a boyfriend by this weekend, so that we can go to my Uncle's pad on the shore."
"Rob, I don't want to rush anything, things will happen if they are meant to, but I can't force anything!"
"That's exactly what your problem is. You're willing to let opportunities go because you don't think it's 100%, absolutely correct. Let me tell you something, nothing in dating ever is! You have to throw yourself into it or you will become way too neurotic to let anyone love you or even want you."
"Fine then, you are my dating coach. Mold me." I stretched out my arms like a wooden statue, realizing that I could really mess things up if I wasn't careful. However, he had success in relationships, and I hadn't even had one. Obviously I needed some good advice.
He looked me up and down and had the quizzical look on his face. "I know the perfect outfit for you."
I was feeling strange at that point, mainly because he was planning a date for me which did not exist yet! He rushed out the door and I sat down to take a load off, even though the stress on my mind was the level of expectation I had with Alex. It hadn't been more than a few minutes that I had been unwinding when I heard the phone ring. Now, I'm not clairvoyant or anything like that, but my stomach was in twists and knots as I got up to answer it. I let it ring once, then twice, and then I finally picked it up and tried to answer in an over-confident voice. "Hello?" I was practically sweating at this point and I heard the response from the other end. "Hi, it's me, Alex." The pleasant voice greeted me, and I almost jumped up with joy, but my brain was telling me that it would be VERY uncool.
"Hey pal, how's it hanging?" I asked in a calm, cool tone, not trying to sound to eager.
"I just wanted to thank you for last night."
"There's no need, I am glad I met someone like you, too. So, what are your plans for today?"
"I don't know, that's why I called. I know this sounds very cheesy, but I really want to see you again, which is why I called. I thought that maybe, we could...get together or something."
"DEFINITELY!" I practically shrieked, but then I tried to sound cool again. "I mean...yeah, that would be cool. I love hanging out at Chess, the coffee place out on 52. Ever heard of it?"
"Yeah...I've been there a few times before. So, should we like meet there, or what?"
"How does six o'clock sound?" I figured that would be enough time to get ready.
"It sounds great. I'll see you there!" and with that, I heard the receiver click.
I suddenly came to acknowledge the fact that I had just made a social arrangement, and the thought of it made me fearful. For about twenty minutes, I sat there trying to figure out strategies for the meeting. What would I do? What would I say? So many questions, so few concrete answers, I thought to myself. Thank god my parents left, as I hardly wanted them to see me like this and question me. At that instant, Rob popped back in and in his arms were a bunch of shirts, pants and belts. I gave him a groan to indicate the pain that was upon me. I hated to shop, and I was not a big clothes person, either. Meanwhile, Rob had to have everything he liked, and I could only imagine how much he spent on them. Anyway, he was the expert at looking good without much effort, so I decided to let him lead.
"For tonight, you shall enjoy some of my superior tastes and not have to rummage through your laundry basket." He smirked.
"I could kill you right now, you know?"
"Sure, sure, but first, let's get you dressed for your guyfriend."
"Excuse me!? How do you know I'm going to meet my guyfriend?"
"I am clairvoyant, remember?" He grinned cheek to cheek, hiding some secret information; I was sure of it.
I still wanted to know how he figured it out, but I dropped it at that. Thinking too much always screwed up my happy moments, and I wouldn't let it ruin this one. Rob looked through the bundle and had me hold up each and every thing there. We started off on a few formal shirts he brought over, but I decided that I needed my comfort. I opted for the white A&F t-shirt and an absolutely beautiful pair of denim jeans. Rob relaxed while I quickly threw myself together with a shower, shave and styling. I was ready to go and felt great, and apparently looked good, too, as my friend commented on my appearance immediately.
"Wow, you look good enough to fuck! But since that isn't my area of expertise, I think this guyfriend of yours can judge for himself."
"I wouldn't push anyone into anything they didn't want to do, and you know that!"
"Sometimes a good little push helps people to see what they want," He remarked.
"...and sometimes a hard enough push shoves someone off the edge and out of your life."
"Touché!"
"Trust me, Chris. I care about you, but I think it would do you a great deal of good to find someone who can offer you everything you need. I found mine, and it would make even happier to know that you have your special someone."
I totally loved him at this point. For all his flaws, he was sweet and cared about my well-being. I gave him a quick embrace and thanked him for his time. He said his goodbyes and then I got ready for the next step in the process.
I was a little on edge as I took my drive over. It should have been the most natural thing in the world: two young people getting together at a favorite hangout spot for a cup of coffee. However, a part of me knew it was a big deal. I needed some drastic changes in my life, and I hoped Alex would be one of them. I tried to relax and parked my car off to the side, enjoying the cool summer breeze as I strutted over to the plaza. It was a Sunday night, so it looked practically deserted, with the odd couple roaming around. I came to the glass doors of the café, took a deep breath, and stepped inside. In a matter of seconds I panned the entire area: A young woman, probably a college student, looking tired and sitting amidst a sea of books, with headphones to keep her awake; A trio of middle-aged women gossiping; a few random people sipping coffee and reading newspapers or books; A group of young teens engaged in a heavy chitchat session about this and that; and then, to the other corner, I spotted him, and I didn't feel quite so awkward anymore. He was in his usual semi-casual style, with a white button-up shirt hanging off his shoulders, it's only purpose to complement the wife beater and cargo pants. He was a good dresser, and from where I was standing, he looked fantastic. He had an expressionless face as he waited patiently for my arrival. He glanced now and then around, and this time he was in luck. He spotted me near the doorway and smiled at me, nodding for me to join him at the table. In one of those rare instances, I was really truly happy. I had a few friends who gave me the sort of warmth I needed, but this was a different type of bond. I wasn't sure quite why, but it just was.
"Hey," he said as he looked up to me with his beautiful hazel eyes. It was his most striking feature, and I just loved them!
"Hey to you, too," I responded, taking my seat across from him and flashing back the smile. After all, I was happy to be here, happy to be with him.
"So...," he began to utter. "Where do we even start? I don't even know what to say."
"Well," I tried to give an easy answer to his question; "I guess that..." my mind was going blank. What was I suppose to say to him, anyway? It was easier said than done. "I guess, let's start off with..."
"With what?"
"Honesty, pure and simple honesty."
"Honesty, you say?" It was the easiest idea yet he seemed to find it extremely complicated.
"Yes, let's get it out in the open. I think we know enough of each other's secrets by now to be able to have that much."
"Fine then, I want to be open with you," he declared with a hint of confidence. "Chris, I can honestly say that you've done something to me within a matter of a day that no one ever has before. I wanted to see you badly since last night, I mean, really badly."
"Well," I sarcastically retorted, "I think you just summed up my feelings. I feel comfortable around you, Alex, just because we are coming from the same place."
"Chris, there are so many things that I want to tell you that I just can't handle it. Still, you know and I know that I don't feel comfortable saying them in front of people. How about we grab a couple of coffee's to go and head over to Sycamore Park? It's right nearby and quite honestly, I sort of want it just to be you and me, without the world around."
"Well now, could I even try to refuse an proposal like that?"
We got our coffee, jumped into his car and ended up in Sycamore Park. The area was beautiful, full of trees, ponds and paths. It was a Sunday night so hardly anyone was lingering around, but I don't think anyone really appreciated this place anymore. I loved to come here once in a while to be with my thoughts. It usually offered me more privacy than four walls and a door with a lock could. I took a quick look at the park's map at the front, and we marked our trail and headed off. A few minutes down the trail and we continued our conversation.
"Tell me Chris, how do you handle it so easily?" How amazing that the first thing that came out of his mouth would puzzle me. I guess I really did handle it very easily, while most guys I met had severe issues about it.
"I guess in the end, it isn't about anything more than getting what you want. I need my happiness, and that means that I have to do things the way I want to do them, not the way that necessarily keeps people happy or the way that keeps me popular. I don't need people sticking to me because I fed them crap."
"I'm starting to realize more and more how I've grown apart from my guy friends. They have been great friends for years, but in the end it doesn't offer me much space to be myself. I could never give them up, but I think that I need some time to be on my own, without someone around to tell me where I am going next or who I am going to be with. It must be wonderful to have that sort of freedom."
"Don't be too sure, Alex. I sacrificed a lot of relationships -- family, friends and others, because I needed my life. I might have it and I love my independence, but I do feel the loneliness sometimes. You have to learn to be by yourself a lot, and not everyone can pull it off. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a two-sided despise relationship with my parents."
"I guess then, what you're telling me is that you just can't have it all?"
"Pretty much. You have to lose something in the end. So tell me, exactly how closeted do you stay, just for interest's sake?"
"I haven't had the chance to even try and be open about it. I guess after the past experiences I had, I wasn't even sure it was what I wanted for myself. I mean, I was happier being with my friends and not getting any then being in bed with some creep who doesn't give a shit about me."
"Maybe everybody isn't like those creeps. Maybe there are some guys who would give you what you want."
He stopped in his tracks and looked straight at me. "You're right, after meeting you, I realize that I shouldn't by so cynical about guys." He continued to walk on, and I let myself enjoy a brief moment of joy.
"I forgot to ask you last night Chris, have you ever had a boyfriend?" The answer was no, of course, but what came with it would be an explanation of how my inferiority complex caused me to feel too flawed to be able to have a boyfriend. Then, Rob's advice popped into my head. Even though we weren't going to date, I didn't think the explanation would help any kind of bond we had, so I gave him the simplest response. "Nah, haven't gotten around to it yet."
I led Alex on the path leading directly to my special spot in the park. It was a little spot on the edge of the park, with the rocks looking over the lake. I motioned for Alex to sit down beside me, and pointed a finger into the horizon.
"This is my special place. I love to come here to get away from it all. No one ever bothers me here, so I can just be with my thoughts."
"It's really...beautiful! I wish I had the time to get away from it all, too." He let out a slight sigh, to which I rested my elbow on his shoulder and whispered in his ear "Guess what? You are away from `it all' right now." To this he grinned, and we just sat there watching the slow breeze run over the lake. We talked a little bit more about our friends and the lives we both lead, but mostly we just enjoyed the silent pleasure and serene beauty surrounding us. At one point, I decided to rest my head on the shoulder where I had rested my elbow before. In the back of my mind, I worried that he might get the wrong idea, but it was perfect. He just smiled in response and let his arm swing around my back. It felt good, comforting and safe. There was no further implication to it, except that I enjoyed lying into him like this, in this peaceful haven.
As we noticed the first sign of darkness in the sky, we started to make our way back. As we sat in the parking lot of the plaza once again, I had enough courage to pop the question I had been meaning to ask.
"Alex, what would you say to going away for the weekend?" I tried to say it as naturally as possible, without coming on too strong and freaking him out.
"I don't know. I haven't thought about it, but I suppose it could be nice. What'd you have in mind?"
There came the hard part. I had to give him all the details involved, and I wasn't sure he would respond positively.
"Well....my friend Rob has an uncle who has a beach house in one of those little shore towns a little bit up north. We planned to go this Friday and come back Sunday. He is bringing his girlfriend, and told me I could bring a friend if I wanted. So I just thought..."
He cut me off, sounding a bit panicky all of a sudden. "I don't know, I think I have plans already."
I got the picture from his tone of voice. "Look, I know what you're thinking, but you don't have to reason to worry. You'll be like any other teen going to the shore; you'll do the same things and have a good time. For all he knows, you're just a friend and he wouldn't probe into it further."
He still seemed a little bit hesitant, so I continued. "I thought that maybe we could sport matching pink halter tops and probably skip down the beach holding hands." He shoved me in the arm and cracked up. "You are such a friggin' drama queen!" We both enjoyed a good laugh at my expense, but then he began to talk again. "I suppose it couldn't hurt for me to get to the beach." I immediately swung my arms around his neck, nearly choking him. I was overjoyed, but I looked at the watch and realized that I needed to get going. As I was stepping out the door, he grabbed my hand and shoved a small scrap of paper into it. I looked at it and saw two phone numbers.
"The top one's my cell, the bottom one's my phone line. I am really busy during the week, but I hope that you can call me and we can at least catch up until Friday." I flashed my teeth to him and quickly remarked, "You certainly don't have to ask me twice. I'll be in touch!" With that, I released his fingers and stepped off to my own car.
I was on top of the world at this point, and I knew nothing that could stand in the way of my happiness for the rest of this week. I only wanted to make it move faster so that Friday afternoon would be here!