What I See

Disclaimer

If you are under 18 or not of legal age in your country, please do not read on. If you couldn't accept themes of homosexuality and the like, please don't read on. This is a story concerning gay males having intimate relationships and is considered FOR ADULTS ONLY due to its sexual theme and contents. BUT if you really like this stuff, please don't tell others.

Everything in this story is purely FICTIONAL. Or in simpler terms, it's not true!!! Even if this story involves NSYNC, a real, successful American singing group, and a fictitious character, all that happens in here is fictional... again, it's not true. If there are instances that it is similar to what happened in the real world, it doesn't mean that it's really true. I don't know anything about their sexuality, as far as the I and the world know, they're straight as an arrow so I dunno if they're gay (but I do have my speculations) or not but I wrote this out of freedom of speech and my love for these guys and slash fiction. I don't own or know NSYNC personally. AGAIN, it's NOT TRUE!!! but don't we all hope that it's true... hehehehe...

First Words

Hi guys. This is my 3rd work here in the boyband section of the Nifty Archives. I dunno why I called it "What I See" but I just ran out of ideas for a title and thought of something simple. So the title, What I See was born giggle. I dunno if I can manage my 3 stories at the same time but Crossed Paths is in its "season break" and Reformation is still there. But I'll really try my best to update all my stories. Remember, I love feedbacks.

Mail me at my NEW Addie at yr_ry_@hotmail.com

What I See Chapter 11

I was like a zombie when I reached home. It was like I felt so numb and I was just doing things unconsciously. Maybe I forgot how to feel and think once I left the gates of Josh's house. But who's gonna be blamed? It's just because of me and my stupidity. I was just laid down on my bed sobbing softly for my lost. And it's a big lost.

I have finally found someone who I thought, I mean, I knew that completes me but I let him go. My suspicious and pessimistic nature got over me. And I didn't attempt to stop that. I just let it envelope me until I was consumed with thoughts of JC with others. With better men than me.

I reached my phone and dialed Paul's number. When I want advice, I go to Dee but when I want to rant and vent out, I go to Paul. Paul just listens to me and tries to comfort me and that's what I need because I know that Dee would lecture me about my stupidity and she'll just say that it's my fault. That's the last thing I need, more guilt. "Paul?" I croaked when someone answered the phone.

"Kyle? What's the matter?" I could hear the concern and worry in Paul's voice already.

"I think JC and I are over." I cried once more once I said the truth. I know that we are over and it's because of me. It's all my fault.

"Just let it out Ky." Paul said to me. And that made me start. I dunno how long we talked on the phone because I always stopped when it becomes too overwhelming for me, and that's a lot of times. Paul just remained patient with me listening to me and offering some words of comfort occasionally.

"I know that it's my fault Paul. I lost something wonderful and it's my fault!" I cried harder if it's possible in my state. I was so strung up already. It was like a dam that burst open. I can't stop the flow of strong emotions and most of those pertain to sadness and self-pity.

"Just let it out Ky." Paul repeated. I cried more until my throat was a little bit sore already from the crying and my eyes were stinging for they can't produce tears anymore. I think that I have cried it all out. "Just sleep it over. I know that it hurts right now. Hopefully, it would be better than this now that you've vent it all out. I'll visit you tomorrow and we'll go home coz mom's been excited for your arrival." Paul informed me. I totally forgot that. I was gonna see my mother and she's gonna know that something is up.

"Do you think it's wise?" I asked Paul sniffling a little bit.

"Kyle, don't pull yourself out of the world. You need people that love you and tomorrow is the best day for that. Just sleep it over. Try." Paul advised me. I thanked him profusely and that's how we ended our talk. I pressed the end button in the handset and cuddled the pillow beside me. It was the same pillow that JC snuggled closer when I left him sleeping to cook breakfast the first time we slept on my bed.

I thought that there were no tears already but they flowed out again. All bits of memories that I shared with JC kept on flashing in my mind adding to the regret and sorrow I was feeling at that point. This mind is filled with shit and I don't know how to make it quit. "Stupid!" I cried. I think that's how I slept that night. It was a bad sleep.

When I opened my eyes, I was in this barren place. It was dark and I felt all alone. "Enjoy the feeling?" Someone's voice bellowed. I looked at my left and right searching for the source of the voice.

"Who are you?" I asked loudly. I walked frantically looking for a sign of an escape in this empty place. "Where am I?" I asked again.

"You don't know?" The voice said like it was mocking me. Then, a maniacal laugh followed that. It was so frightening and I was feeling a little alone in this place.

I was running now to nowhere. I still can't see anything but the darkness enveloping me. When I looked at my left, there was a spot of light. I ran to that direction seeing that it's becoming closer to me. The size of the light source was beginning to increase. I was getting closer to it. "Where are you going?" The voice asked.

"None of your damn business!" I answered defiantly as I approached the light source. The voice just laughed and laughed that made me push my self harder to reach the light and out of this wretched place.

"You really know where you are?" The voice asked to me. "This is your heart and mind! Can't you see how dark and empty it is. Poor Kyle! There's no one here. No one!" The voice laughed again. I was tearing up already and wiped away the tears. "Aaaaw... am I making you cry?" The voice told me jokingly.

When I was by the light. It seemed to be a door, a passageway to somewhere. I guess I have to take my chances to escape this place. I stepped closer to it until the light surrounded me. I closed my eyes shortly and when I opened it. Josh was there in front of me. "Why don't you trust me?" He asked me as tears of blood cascaded down his tears.

I looked at him in horror. "No! No! I trust you Josh! I love you!" I approached JC but we seemed not to meet. It's like he's moving away from me farther. He just kept on asking, "Why don't you trust me?" over and over again.

"JC's not right for you!" The voice returned and the darkness returned as well. JC was nowhere in sight. "You don't deserve anyone because you are not capable of loving anyone!" The voice sneered at me.

"Nooooooo!!" I shouted. I can't remember what happened next.

When I opened my eyes, Pookie was on my bed licking my face. I chuckled a little coz she hasn't done that for ages. Then it hit me. Josh. My cheery morning dimmed. "Thanks Pookie." I said and picked the little Chihuahua from my bed and placed her on the floor. "I'll just go the bathroom and then I'll let you out." I told the dog who barked at me like she agreed with what I said. She scuttled out of my room.

I walked to the bathroom and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I really look like shit. My eyes were a little bit puffy still and I have tearstains across my face. "You look like shit." I told my reflection and walked away. I took a piss and walked down to the kitchen thinking of how on earth such a bad day.

I looked at the watch and saw that it was just around 6:30am. In a few hours, JC would be leaving Florida to Portland to start their tour and I can't even take back what I said to him. All he would remember is that I was the one who didn't trust him enough. Oh well, Justin must be celebrating right now coz he finally succeeded in purging me out of the "NSYNC family."

I took the box of cereal from the cupboard and poured in my bowl. Pookie was barking for attention. "I guess I forgot you there." I told her and opened the backdoor so she can run across the backyard while I wallow in my misery. I opened the radio for some comfort and to break the silence in the kitchen.

"NSYNC would kick their Celebrity tour today so girlies, you know what to do!" The DJ shouted from the radio and Girlfriend played in the radio. Of all the right moments in the world, this just has to play. I tried not to listen to it while I ate my cereal. Someone knocked at my door. I guess this should be Paul but isn't it too early?

I opened the door and a tall black man was at my front door. "May I help you?" I asked the guy a little bit intimidated with his size. He has this serious demeanor in his face adding to the little fright I was feeling.

"Are you Kyle?" He asked me.

"I am." I answered him.

"Mr. Chasez just wants to give this to you. Apparently, you left it last night." He told me and handed me my duffel bag. My heart was aching more. I managed to say a 'thank you' to the tall dark guy but when I closed the door, I totally broke down. With the silence of the house, a song playing from the radio started to play.

Shadows are falling all over town Another night the blues got me down Oh misery... I sure could use some company

Since he's been gone I ain't been the same I carry the weight like an ol' ball and chain Guess it's all meant to be... for love to cause my misery

Misery... misery Tell me why does my heart make a fool out of me Seems it's my destiny... For love to cause my misery

Oh... I've been down this road before Where the passion turns into pain And each time I saw love walk out the door I swore I'd never get caught up again...

But ain't it true... it takes what it takes And sometimes... we get too smart too late One more heartache for me... another night in misery

Misery... misery Tell me why does my heart make a fool out of me Seems it's my destiny... For love to cause my misery... Guess it's all meant to be for love to cause my misery

The song reflected all I was feeling. It was truly in misery. I sobbed harder. After a few minutes, someone knocked at the door again. I wiped away the tears from my face and tried to make myself look saner. I opened the door and it was Paul. "Come in." I said hoarsely. I guess the crying was already too much. Paul just nodded and closed the door beside him not saying any word. Paul seemed to just have waken up. His hair was a little disheveled and his clothes are a little bit crumpled.

"You still wanna go home?" Paul asked me nonchalantly like he didn't care that I just had a breakdown. I guess he was expecting this and not all too surprised with my state.

"Sure!" I said with a weak smile. "I'll just fix myself then we can go." I told him as I walked to the stairs towards my room.

"I'll just lounge here and watch some TV." Paul told me and he sat on the couch looking for the remote control there. I left him and went to the bathroom to take a bath. The warm water cascading down my body was really soothing and soon, I was feeling a little bit relaxed. It's like I have no problems. I wish I can stay in here.

But sad to say, I couldn't. I shut the water off and stared at myself at the mirror. The image that I saw seemed to be taunting me. Telling me that I am just a stupid fool. And I agreed with him. I am a stupid fool.

I dressed up simply and went to Paul. He was watching some MTV. "Did you know that Wade choreographed that?" He told me pointing at the TV. It was Britney Spears' I'm A Slave 4 U playing.

"Yup. I watched that from MTV Diary." I told him with a grin.

He just groaned at me and shut off the TV. "He was there? I should have watched that!" Paul whined a little.

"So you and Wade must be really hitting off." I said to Paul teasingly. Well, Paul and Wade really looked good together and it seemed that Wade is really a cool guy.

"You can say that." Paul told me with a smile. The two of us left the house. "Walk or ride?" He asked. Well, my parent's house isn't really that far. It's just 3 blocks away from mine.

"Let's just walk." I replied and he just nodded.

"Gonna talk?" He asked me looking at me subtly.

"What more can I do?" I sighed. "I was bawling awhile ago coz he sent my duffel bag through one of his bodyguards."

"Oh Kyle." Paul said to me as if he's feeling what I was feeling? But he wasn't. He has a starting relationship with Wade that seems to be a very wonderful one. He hasn't received any heartaches. So he couldn't feel what I was feeling. No one does.

"Justin must be celebrating right now." I said bitterly. "He got what he wanted and he wasn't doing anything about it. It was all my fault. Maybe he was right. Maybe Josh and I aren't really meant to be together." I started to babble. I was just interrupted by Paul who was shaking me.

"Snap out." Paul told me. "You know, there's no problem that can't be resolved." Paul added with a smirk.

"There's no solution with my problem." I told him stubbornly.

"Did you talk to JC?" He asked me simply as we resumed our short journey. I shook my head 'no'. "Who don't you talk to him?" He suggested.

"He doesn't want to talk to me." I replied.

"I mean really talk. Not sweet-talk him to forgive you. Don't you think that it's gonna be better if you talk to him heart to heart with no inhibitions and no pretensions that you always seem to do? So what if you two didn't get back together? It just proves that you aren't really for each other. But if you did? Then, you'll look back at this moment a few years from now and think that you did the right thing. There won't be any regrets." When did Paul ever become so wise?

"I dunno if I am even sure of myself now. I mean he asked me one simple question, "do you trust me enough?" and I didn't even answer him." I told him.

"Do you trust JC?" Paul asked me. Again I paused for a while thinking it through. "Now I see the problem." Paul told me.

"Huh?" I asked being clueless with what he said. I didn't answer anything.

"You think about it. Trust doesn't come from the mind. It comes from the heart." Paul touched my chest. I actually understood him. I remember way back when my parents always say that I was so different from Dee and Paul. They always said that I was more of the thinker than the 'feeler'. I dunno why, but it always enters my mind first.

"Oh." That's the only thing I could say.

"I'll repeat. Do you trust JC?" Paul asked again. I can feel a warmth in my chest.

"I do." I answered Paul with confidence.

"Why don't you tell him that and tell him what you are really feeling. Don't dampen anything, just do it straight from the heart. Tell him your insecurities. Tell him what you're thinking! Tell him everything and why you think of that." Paul told me. I was just nodding with everything he was saying. I was feeling a little bit stupid already.

"You think?" I asked him with a little hope in my heart. Would it really work?

I don't think so. I just know it." Paul told me with a grin plastered on his face. "First step, call." Paul handed me my cell phone. He must have taken it before we left. I gave him a weak smile and dialed an all too familiar number.

The two of us were just standing there by someone else's lawn. Paul was just staring at me waiting for something to happen. Me on the other hand was sweating profusely. I was so nervous as hell. The phone just kept on ringing and ringing and it was like that it wasn't gonna end. Again, my mind was racing arranging different scenarios why JC wouldn't answer the phone. And, all of them are really bad, very bad.

Then, I heard a click like someone answered. "Hello?" I said on the phone. I know my voice was still a little hoarse and I sounded like I was unsure with what I was doing. Well, I really don't know what I'll be telling him. As what Paul said, just tell something straight from the heart. Only silence answered me. "Josh?" I voiced out again.

I know that someone was on the other line. I can hear the deep breathing. But why won't he say something?

----------------------- End of Chapter

Hey everyone! Oh well, it's the 11th chapter already and this one seeps deeper in Kyle and Paul's personalities. We see a different phase of life... sadness and that's what I'm trying to put out. Something realistic and not too utopian. I know that it's a lil brief but I promise that I'll make it better for the next ones. I'm feeling a little bit giggly here today with no reason so perhaps, the next chapter would be a very happy one.

Please support the BBSA Awards. Nominations are up until the 15th of April so nominate your favorite stories in lots of exciting categories!!! Just go to... bbsa.50megs.com.

Good news is that I have my summer break already giving me all the time in the world to write my stories. But the setback is that I'll just be bumming around for two whole months. sigh Anyway, I hope this summer would be really fun and I expect lots of mails from y'all.

Okay, I just watched Crossroads and well, it was a lil bit funny but I just see it like Mariah's Glitter. Maybe Britney could have shone more in a better script. But it seemed to be a fun film.

"Misery", performed by P!nk and Steven Tyler. Taken from Pink's Missundaztood. Written by R. Supa.

Thanks to ALL of you who have taken the time and MAILED me! I truly appreciate it very much. A big, big shout to my Danish pals, Chris and Danny, I hope you always be in love forever coz you compliment each other. You two are made for each other! :-)

PLEASE!!!! Send me feedbacks... I'm a feedback addict! I so love those feedbacks. Short, long, good or bad, or just whatever... drop me a line okay? I also have most of the IM programs out there and I'm usually on, hopefully you can catch me.

AIM : pseud0ry Yahoo! : yr_ry MSN : yr_ry_@hotmail.com

Also, I'm usually in the boyband chatroom.

NEW Addie is: yr_ry_@hotmail.com

EMAIL me.

A big 'HI' to the people in the Nifty Boyband Chatroom and CRAZY!!! They are so nice, especially Wes, Dru, CJ, Duckie, Strat, Clive, Jayson... and the list goes on. Wanna say hi to my friend Byron who have helped me with his support and his friendship! Stay strong in your relationship! Finally, a big big 'thank you' to David who maintains the Nifty archives, without him, we won't be reading any of the best slash fics in the world!

Also, here are my suggestions of other cool stories in the archive that influenced me in my craft.

• Brian and Justin (Brian/Justin)

• The One (Brian/Justin)

• Jamie's Romance (Justin)

• Love Thru Chat (JC/Justin, Lance)

• Josh and Just (JC/Justin)

• Lance in Shining Armour (Lance)

• My New Life (Lance)

• Because I Love You (Brian/Nick)

• Double Take (Brian/Nick)

• Bad Boy B-Rok (Brian)

• Justin's Dark Angel (Justin)

• My Surprise Romance (Lance)

• Heir to the Darkness (Brian/Nick)

• Life with Justin (Justin)

• Kevin and Dustin (Kevin)

• French Kiss Me (Brian)

• Millennium Love (Brian)

• Forever (Kevin)

• JC's Hitchhiker (JC)

• Get Another Boyfriend (Kevin)

• Jimmy Needs Assistance (Lance)

• Lance, JC and an Astral Fan (Lance/JC)

• Lance's Search (Lance/JC)

• Heir to the Darkness (Nick/Brian)

• JC Dreams (JC)

• On the Streets (Kevin)

• Sans Vous, Je Suis Rien (Justin)

• Insecurities (Nick)

• Chance Meeting (Justin)

• My Soulmate JC (JC)

• Brian and Tommy (Brian)