NEIL
I found myself unable to support my body, my legs giving way, forcing me to fall unto the bed. I hadn't expected that, not at all. I felt as if my lunch was about to make reappearance and I was nowhere near a toilet nor could I fathom how I would be able to make it there in time if I were to start retching. My head hurt and my body ached to the point that I was seriously thinking about picking up the phone and dialing 911. I knew that deep down, most of my symptoms were most likely psychological in nature and had manifested into the physical state that I now was in.
As I maneuvered myself unto my back, I felt an overall feeling of dread fill me. My eyes involuntarily filled with water and before I knew what was happening, I found myself crying, tears spilling over unto my face. At first, it was just a trickle but before long, the floodgates opened and I was openly sobbing. It felt like my life was once again being thrown into turmoil and like many times before I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I shouldn't have been surprised though. When Matt had first discovered the mysterious lump between my inner thigh and scrotum, he had taken some cultures and blood tests and sent them to the lab. The ensuing results had showed no traces of cancer and that had been the end of it. Overtime, the lump had disappeared and I had forgotten all about it, until recently. A few weeks ago, I had noticed a rather large looking lump directly grafted unto the side of my penis. It wasn't particularly painful to the touch but it was red and after giving it a few weeks to go away on its own, I had made another appointment with Matt to get it checked out. That was 4 days ago. Today, he had called me at work and had me come in immediately where he broke the news,
"The results for your culture samples and blood test came back. It's Penile Cancer???I'm so sorry Neil. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear,"
I sat there, my body frozen, my mind not able to process what he was saying.
"wha?..what. WHAT?" My own voice had sounded timid to my ears so I immediately stopped talking, taking the opportunity to listen to what Matt was saying, barely.
"Neil, I don't want you to panic. We still have more tests to run. That will give us more information about the stage its in and possible treatment options. I think???."
I found myself tuning out everything that he had said after that, my mind unwilling or unable to take in all that information at once. At the end of it all, I had thanked him rather stoically before grabbing my coat and wordlessly walking out. Matt had made an attempt chase me down but I ducked into the stairwell, running down the flight of stairs at break neck speed.
Now lying in my bed, home and alone, all I could think about was the emptiness of my life. David was living with James and was less than two weeks away from starting College in another state. And James??.James had moved on. Just thinking about my absent family made this day that much worse and brought to the forefront those feelings that I had tried so hard to suppress. How easy it would be to just do it, to just release all this pain, so easy, too easy.
But I shook those thoughts away, choosing instead to force my mind focus on a happy memory, one from my past, a time when everything was just?perfect. My eyes closed tightly and my breathing slowed. My tears eventually subsided and I found myself away from here, away from this place, away from the present. Oh, how sweet it felt to back there.
He held my hand tightly in his, his thumb deliberately massaging the front of my hand. I looked up at him, leaning up and in to cover my lips with his own. He leaned down into me, using his free hand to pull me closer. And in that one moment, it was if the world had disappeared and we were alone.
"Eeeeew! Stop it dad. That's gross!"
The tone in his voice made it very clear that he was turned off by his parents PDA. I regretfully pulled my lips away from his and met his smiling eyes as we both made a covert attempt to adjust ourselves. He eventually disengaged from me altogether and walked over to David, picking him by his waist and spinning him around. David laughed and tried half heartedly to protest what James was doing,
"James, put me down! I'm too old for that."
And even though he was only seven going on twenty, he was still our little boy.
"You're not too old to be swung around like a sack of potatoes kid." James stated, picking up speed. In seconds, the kitchen was filled with the wonderful sounds of giddy laughter and innocent banter.
Watching them, the two most important men in my life, gave me such a feeling of endless bliss that I hadn't known was possible.
"I love you, you know that." His words were filled with so much emotion that it made me want to cry. David looked at the man who in a few short years had become like a second father to him and attempted to dodge the onslaught of pecks that James planted all over his face.
"Ok you two. Doesn't daddy get any love?" My boys both turned to look at me before James sauntered over to me, David still in his arms, and wrapped his free arm around my waist.
"I think daddy deserved a ton of love. What do you think David? Should we show your dad how much we love him?"
David looked at James as pensively as a seven year old could before responding.
"Yeah! I think we should give daddy a million kisses!" And with that declaration, my face was lathered in what seemed like a million kisses that were both sloppy and wet.
After a few minutes, I had had enough.
"Ok boys, daddy gets the message big time! Why don't you let James give you a bath David and then maybe we can go to the park and then go see a movie later."
The look on my son's face spoke volumes and in two seconds flat, he had wiggled out of James' arms and was racing towards the bathroom.
"I guess that means he's excited." James said, reaching for me and pulling our bodies close, before adjoining his lips to my own. We stayed that way for a few minutes until David started hollering that he was ready to take a bath.
"We my friend, will finish this tonight so prepare to make it a late one."
I wiggled my eyebrows in anticipation, earning from him a laugh and another lengthy kiss.
"Daddyyyyyy! Hurry up! I wanna go to the park!"
James turned his head towards the bathroom before turning back to face me.
"Ok babe, let me give this kid a quick bath and I'll be back." He leaned into me once more, planting a quick peck on my lips before disengaging himself from me completely and walking away.
I sighed in contentment watching him. I never would have guessed that my life would ever be like this. So full of meaning, so full of life, so blessed. I didn't deserve it, I know I didn't but I planned to hold on to it as long as I could.
That was one of my most cherished memories. We were in such a good place and emotionally; I had it all together for once. No fighting, no bickering, no bullshit. I would give anything to go back to that time?anything. I felt my eyes get heavier and heavier as the last of my energy sapped out of me. I allowed my mind to disengage for a minute before sleep finally overtook me.
JAMES
"So?.have you spoken to Neil?"
The question, while not unusual seemed so out of place. We were sitting on his balcony, drinking beers, watching the gorgeous NYC skyline from a vantage point that most people could only dream of. I looked over at him while taking a sip from my beer bottle. His eyes briefly met mine before disengaging.
"Not since last week. Me, him and David took a drive up the college to work out some last minute kinks. Why you asking?"
He shifted nervously in his seat, fidgeting with the spout of his beer bottle. I knew something was up but I didn't know quite what it was.
"Nothing, just wondering. I'm glad to see that you guys talking again. For a minute??.I was worried."
I looked over at him and smirked. It was just like Matt to always look out for me, for us. In many ways he was more like fam.
"Yeah?I never thought it would be possible to get back to a point where we could do more talking than fighting, but we have. It's been a fucking long time in coming."
And it had. Almost 2 years since this whole fucking mess began, even longer, since we had been having major problems in our relationship prior to my moving out. And while things weren't perfect, they were tolerable. David and his dad were back on speaking terms and while David had not moved back home, to placate me, he had been spending more and more one on one time with Neil. So far, so good.
"Yeah. I'd be lying though if I didn't say that I was hoping you guys would have eventually gotten back together. Me and Mich miss you guys hanging out with us. The good ole days"
I considered his words before I responded,
"Well man, its not gonna happen. Me and Neil are so past that point. It's been two years. We're in a good place right now."
And even though that was the story that I was spinning for Matt, it was only half-truth. But I would never make myself admit that to anyone else, ever. As more time had passed, I found myself flashing back to the past. Back to the good times in our relationship. Times where we both were happy, stable, still so embedded in each other's lives. I attributed these frequent trips down memory lane to the fact that the three of us had been spending more time together and not all related to the fact that there was still a small part of me still holding on to the past. Nah, it wasn't that at all.
Matt's voice took me out of my head and back into reality.
"Whatever you say man. I still think there's hope. Neither of you have moved on seriously with anyone else and when you talk about him, there's just something in your voice?I can't even describe it. Tell me you don't think about him. Go on, tell me that you're completely over everything." He looked at me expectantly, something that made me extremely uncomfortable to the point that I had to look away.
"Come on Matt. It's not nor will it ever be like that. Yes, I do think about Neil from time to time but thinking about Neil and getting back together with Neil is two different things. We couldn't go back even if we wanted to. And as for me not moving on, I moved on a long time ago. I may not be with anyone, but in my mind, things are as good as done. And with David leaving soon, we'll be able to have some closure."
Matt looked at me with a look of disbelief but didn't bring up the subject again. For the rest of the night, we talked about the family, his newfound love - his baby girl and how fatherhood had changed him. And I had to admit that I was jealous. The look that came across his face and the pride that shone through his voice when he spoke about his family spoke volumes. It was like he was a man that was utterly content with everything in his life, something that I had wanted for myself for the longest time. A dream that was probably long gone as I was probably too damn old to be going through this fatherhood thing again and the thought of settling into another long term relationship left a bad taste in my mouth. Not to say that I planned to be a monk for the rest of my life. Nothing could be further from the truth but in all honesty, I had no desire to start over again. But I said none of this to Matt. I just let him go on and on about how happy he was and how wonderful life was. I kept my face neutral through it all when inside all I wanted to do was tell him I had heard enough. But being the good friend that I was, I sipped my beer and dutifully listened to him go on and on. At some point, I must have tuned out for I felt Matt's arm touch my shoulder. I looked over at him and saw a serious expression adorn his face, one that surprised me as only moments ago, he had been so carefree.
"What's up with you man? Everything ok?"
He removed his hand from my shoulder and broke eye contact, choosing instead to stare straight ahead. One hand wiped the condensation from his beer bottle while the other gripped it tightly. For a minute, I thought it would break between his fingers.
"I've got something to tell you but I know I shouldn't. It violates my oath as a doctor and totally goes against doctor-patient privilege. I could lose my license over this."
His words were stoic and I felt my heart beat a little bit faster. I didn't want to hear anymore.
"Is this gonna complicate my life man? If so, I don't wanna know. Unless it concerns David then??."
"It does, well indirectly anyway. It'll probably affect the both of you in some way, shape or form." I could feel his eyes return to me but I kept my eyes straight ahead, pretending to admire the view. But my most recent moment of tranquility was gone.
I felt myself sigh before speaking, "Well if you're gonna tell me, tell me. I don't feel up to playing some bullshit 'guess what's up' game."
In turned to look at him and our eyes met. I could see that whatever was on his mind was heavy, that much was pretty much clear. He took a long sip from his beer before speaking,
"Neil came to see me a while back about a suspicious lump he had on his genitals. I took a culture sample and everything came back normal. A few days ago he came back because the lump had grown. We took another culture sample and it came back positive."
I felt my chest begin to tighten and my jaw tense. I didn't want to hear anymore, that was for sure, but I kept my feelings to myself and let Matt continue to talk, every word he spoke sending my emotions further into turmoil.
"It's penile cancer. Not that common among men in Neil's age group but its known to happen. We're gonna run some more tests so we can have a better view of what stage it's in and what's the best course for treatment." He paused for a minute as if waiting for a response from me. When I remained quiet, he continued to speak,
"I just thought you'd want to know as Neil probably won't tell you anything. I mean you should have seen his reaction in my office today. He wasn't himself James. He was shell shocked, just got up and ran out. I'm just afraid of what he might do in his fragile mental state."
And I understood what Matt was saying, I really did. But that didn't make me feel less pissed off, less angry with him for rocking the boat. And I let my feelings be known too.
"I didn't fucking need to know that man, I didn't. It's not my damn business. I'm not Neil's mother. Fuck!" And the more I thought about my newfound piece of information, the angrier I got.
"You're fucked up for getting me involved Matt. You really are. I didn't need to know that shit, I didn't."
The look on his face was one of shock and then surprisingly, anger. "I'm fucked up? Really James, me? You're the one walking around on your high horse like everything is ok, like life is just fine and dandy. You're the one that's pretending that you're cool with everything. I've known you a helluva long time and I know that this 'nothing fazes me' attitude is bullshit and a total cop out. So before you call me out on involving you in this, don't forget that a man SHOULD take care of his family. You are a man, aren't you James?"
And upon hearing him question my manhood, I bolted up out of my seat and pushed it back. If Matt wanted a fight, he'd get one. No one questioned my manhood or my responsibility towards my family and got away with it, not even Matt.
"What, you wanna get angry now. You wanna fight now. Come on James, if it makes you feel better, hit me, yell at me, curse me the fuck out, but at least show some emotion. Damn man, how long are you gonna pretend that you're cool with everything? What will it take for you to admit that you don't have it all together, that you're angry that things didn't work out, that you miss Neil like fuck, that you're stressed the fuck out with life, that you're going through shit?"
And I felt as if the weight of the world were on my shoulders. Everyone was depending on me, all the responsibility was mine. I was the lifeboat in everyone's life. And just admitting that to myself somehow managed to diffuse the anger I felt towards Matt. I sat back down and put my head between my legs, feeling as if my chest would explode. I also felt as if there wasn't enough oxygen in the room to sustain me. I felt a hand on my back, rubbing in a circular motion and I just knew that Michelle had joined us.
"Breathe babe, deep breaths, big deep breaths, breathe babe." And just hearing the soothing sound of her voice, allowed me to do just that, to let go of the anxiety that had me in its mist and to just breathe. It probably took a good fifteen minutes but at the end of it, I was substantially calmer and worn out. My legs felt heavy and I had no idea how I was gonna get home in this condition. Michelle probably sensed something in me for she instantly took to me like a mother to her child,
"You're not going home tonight. We'll set up the guest room for you so that you can get a proper night of sleep." The tone in her voice left no room for negotiations and I didn't argue, for once, I just someone else take the lead.
Eventually I was able to sit upright and was grateful that both Michelle and Matt had left. I was embarrassed as fuck and didn't want to deal with the twenty questions. And as I stared out into the night sky, I couldn't help but wonder to myself, 'where do I go from here?'
I didn't remember making it to bed the previous night but I had no problems recalling everything up to that point. I sat up in the bed and ran one calloused hand over my face in an attempt to force myself to fully wake up. Looking around I saw that shades had been lifted and the windows were open, letting in the luminous sunshine and the sounds of the NYC traffic below. I looked away and started searching for my cell phone which coincidentally started ringing right then and there. I picked it up.
"Hello." My voice sounded groggy to my own ears and I prayed to God it wasn't my boss calling to see where I was.
"Dad, it's me. Where you at?"
I cradled the phone against my neck and shoulder as I searched for my clothes which had somehow gotten tangled in the sheets.
"At Matt's and Michelle's. Heading out in a few, what's up?"
I caught the hesitation in his voice before he continued speaking.
"Nada, just stopped by the apartment to pick up something and saw that you weren't here. Just wondering where you went?" I knew this kid better than I knew myself and I knew when he wasn't telling me something and right now, I KNEW he wasn't telling me something.
"David, talk to me. What's going on? Something wrong? You don't have to put on some macho fa?ade in front of me. You can talk to me about anything, you know that, don't you?" And hearing my own words, I felt like a big ole hypocrite. I was one to be talking about putting on facades, after all, I put one on everyday of my life. My whole life was a damn fa?ade and it made me wonder if I was the reason why David was always so guarded, never letting too much of his emotions show through. His dad was the polar opposite, letting all his feeling hang out there for all to see. I didn't even think it was possible for a man to imprint his personality on a kid that wasn't biologically his. But I couldn't deny the fact that David was so much like me in a lot of ways, some of them good, some of them bad. But I was getting distracted and my son was on the other end of the line, still hesitating, probably trying to find a way to convince me that he was still fine, that life was fine, that EVERYTHING was fine.
"There's nothing to talk about. I just wanted to call and say what's up, that's all. Can't I just call my ole man just to say hi?" He chuckled, trying to make a joke about it but I knew well enough that that wasn't the case. But I didn't have the energy or the proper state of mind to get into it.
"Of course you can. You know you can call me anytime David. No matter what. I love you kid." And saying those words for some reason had me getting emotional. It was as if the very thought of David's impending move was bringing out in me those feelings of loss and uncertainty. My boy, my son, in essence, my reason for living was venturing out to make a life of this own, outside of me, outside of his father, outside. Neil and I had spoken about this day so many times but to actually know that it was happening, and so soon too was just too much for me to take. I of course kept all these thoughts to be myself but here, by myself, in someone else's space, I would admit only to me that I was terrified of the future.
"I know that, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you dad. But anyway, I gotta go, have a few last minute things I need to take care of. Maybe we can meet up for dinner later?"
His words were a welcomed distraction from my thoughts and I found my mind refocusing enough to give him an answer.
"Absolutely. I'll try to clock out by 6 so maybe 7 we can meet at the Thai place?"
"Yeah?.that's cool. OK dad, I'll see you there. I love you man." His last few words were barley audible but I had heard them before he quickly hung up. And I had to admit that his words warmed me to the core. David was at age where saying things like, 'I love you', to the rents were just not cool. In fact, the minute he hit 13, it was as if showing any sort of emotion towards us was considered corny but as of late, it seemed as if he was letting his guard down, showing me how much he valued me in his life and damn, I would be lying if I said it didn't fill me with such pride and love. And just thinking about it, thinking about everything that had happened in the past twenty four hours, thinking about my hellish life over the past 2 years, just thinking about EVERYTHING brought out of me an emotion I wasn't used to displaying?? overwhelming sadness. I felt the unfamiliar feelings of moisture in my eyes before the tears began to fall. I made an attempt to wipe them away, feeling like a sissy but they just kept coming and for the first time in a long time, I just let them fall.
DAVID
I used my key to let myself in. I had some time to kill before I was to meet James so I thought now was probably as good a time than any to get some of my stuff before my father came home from work. We were back on speaking terms but things were still incredibly strained and awkward between us. That was clearly on display when the three of us went for a college visit. My dad and James barely said two words to each other, choosing instead to pretend that the other wasn't there. This inevitably left me as the buffer, as usual, mediating between two grown ass men, as if I were a therapist. Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get back home. Since I'd been back though, I found myself getting more emotional at the drop of a hat. I would go through old photo albums of friends and family (something that I would hardly EVER do) and find myself tearing up. I also found that whenever the subject of my leaving came up, I'd quickly change the topic. For a while, I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on with me. I should have been excited to get of this hellhole that had become my life but strangely enough, I was not. I wanted so bad to sit down with James and talk about what I was feeling, but I couldn't. James just didn't do emotional shit well. I must have seen him cry like once in my life and I'm pretty sure that was on account of the fact that I was in the hospital with broken ribs and a busted nose after getting hit by a car when I was like 12. As for my dad, taking to him about ANYTHING was out of the question. We were just getting to know each other again and I wasn't comfortable enough with him yet to want to do this whole caring is sharing bullshit.
I wondered to my self if I was slowly losing my mind and my manhood. Men, real men didn't cry over bullshit, they just didn't. The flushing of the toilet broke me out of my train of thought and for a brief moment, I thought of backtracking and making a quick exit but thought twice. I was only here for two more weeks so I might as well make the effort to keep this cordial - James' would have been disappointed if I didn't.
The door opened and he walked out, looking much paler than usual, to the point that I wondered if he was sick. When he looked up and saw me, he stopped dead in his tracks.
"David??I??what are you doing here?"
His words surprised me as as of late, he seemed extremely ecstatic whenever I would stop by. Today though, I wasn't getting that vibe at all.
"I uh?.I wanted to stop by, get some of my stuff, say hi, see if you wanted to come to dinner with James and me." The last part was a damn lie but I felt I needed to say it, if for anything, to at least placate my guilty conscience.
His eyes widened and his lips pressed tightly against each other, a sure fire sign that he was feeling extremely uncomfortable.
"I can't, I'm not feeling good. I'm just gonna stay in for a bit and get some rest. I'm happy to??" his words seemed to get caught in his throat before he cleared it and managed to get the rest of his thoughts out, "to see you David, I always am."
And for a minute I thought he was gonna do one of two things, cry or worse yet, try to hug me. But he did neither. He gave me a nod and walked into his bedroom and closed the door. I must have stood there for a good ten minutes after he left, trying to process the whole interaction. Everything about it seemed so off, so strange and I found a small part of me wanting to knock on his door and ask him what was wrong because in spite of our issues, deep, deep, deep down, I did love my father and I didn't want to see him hurt, ever. But I was a coward so I didn't. I instead walked into my room and started the lengthy task of sorting through my shit, something that kept my mind busy and disengaged from life happening around me.
Forty minutes later, I had all the things that I had planned to take with me to school in the back of my car. As I was about to start the ignition, my phone rang.
"Hello."
"David, it's me. Where are you?" His voice sounded off to me but I couldn't put my finger on why I thought so. "I'm just about to leave dad's house."
There was no response for a few seconds and at first, I thought we had been disconnected.
"Hello?"
"I'm here David. Listen, stay there. We need to talk. I'm coming over." And with that, he hung up. I felt sweat begin to pool around the base of my neck, a biological stress response for me. I put my head against the seat rest, closed my eyes and began to wonder where this was going. I already had it set up in my head that whatever was about to go down wasn't good. It never was when those two were together. But all I could do at this point was sit, wait and wonder.
I was so very excited to write this chapter. Hopefully it was able to answer a lot of questions that many of you had about why these men behave the way they do. I'm not sure where the end point of this series will be but in my head, I hope to wrap up all loose ends within the next few chapters. Let me know your thoughts on that. Thanks again for all the support.
Much Love
J