Story is copyright Anthony D. Roberts, all rights reserved, can't be copied without written consent, blahblahblah. Any questions or comments (comments very welcome), please email me at piornet@hotmail.com. Enjoy!
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What Was Missing... -------------------
I glanced back at the TV nervously. It was "teen night" on Jeopardy there were two older boys and a young woman, all very unattractive competing for some scholarship. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. I looked back outside, the snow fell a little harder now, lit up by the forty-year old Christmas lights my landlord insists on putting up. I checked the clock on the wall, it was a quarter to eight. I chewed on my tongue. I got up and paced around the room a bit more, checking to make sure I had everything straightened up and looking good enough to impress Mike.
I walked over the simulated-woodgrain shelf that held a cheaply framed photograph of Mike and I, arm-in-arm. My mind drifted back to high school once again. We had gone to school in a small town, and had become friends halfway through our freshman year. Our friendship grew steadily, leading to a phase in our lives where we told everyone we were brothers, even though we looked nothing alike. We did a good job of convincing people too, those who didn't know us that is. We had a few arguments, a few bouts of mutual silent treatment -- but for the most part we were closer than closer can be. When he left for college in August, we made simple goodbyes with a few "Take care's, "I'll write's, and a long hug...but nothing that really gave our true friendship the respect it deserved. I had since taken up a full time job and tried to force the relationship with my girlfriend, Julie, to get closer than was really possible, and we broke up because of it. Looking back on it now, I realize it was to try and fill the gap that Mike had created when he left. He was such an integral part of my life for so long, then suddenly he wasn't there anymore. I didn't have anyone to hang around with, I didn't have anyone to share my feelings with, I didn't have anyone period after he went away.
I was snapped out of my daze by the long-awaited knock at the door. I immediately replaced the photo and stepped over to the door. I didn't bother to glance through the peephole, I just unchained and unbolted the door and opened it to see the large figure of Mike standing there in front of me, smiling at me with obvious love and gratitude to be seeing me. He stepped through the doorway, dropped his bags, and immediately wrapped his arms around me to give me a tight hug. Through his padded black parka, it was hard to actually feel his body but I squeezed tight enough to do so. Being taller than me, his shoulders reached up to my mouth, and the aroma of his cologne -- whatever it was -- filled my nose. We broke our embrace and stood smiling at one another. "Pete! It's great to see ya buddy, how the hell ya been?", he said in his normal New York accent. "Great Mike, how've you been?" I lied. I always lie when people ask me how I am. Because if you tell them that you're not okay, then they always show mock concern and ask what's wrong...which prompts you to give them a short version and you feel like you're whining. No, "Great" is the response I give, no matter what.
"Oh, I've been alright I guess. Finals and all, they fuckin' suck man." "I wouldn't know", I chuckled as I shut the door, then turned to give him a smile. While our friends went off to college, I decided to stay out for a year. I barely made it through high school, and I wasn't about to spend loan money on a school that I knew I'd fuck up at. So instead I got a full time job as an assistant manager at a local pancake house. $12 an hour, enough to pay for rent, gas, and food (combined with the check my father sends me, that is).
He laughed. "No, I guess you wouldn't." he said with a grin. "You're not missin' anything, let me tell ya." I grinned back at him. "Hey, take your coat off. Get comfortable." I started to help him with his coat. He slid out of it and handed it to me with a "thanks". I placed it on the hook which hung from the back of the door, on top of my own jacket. The few flakes of snow from it got my hand wet, I rubbed my hands together to dry them.
He turned to look around my living room. "Hey, nice place bud. I like it. How much do you pay a month?" "$450. Yeah, it's not bad...it gets a little drafty, and it's hot as a bitch in the summer time...but it's okay I guess. It's home." He nodded. "Yeah. You should see my dorm room, it makes this place look like the fuckin' grand hotel. Fuckin' cockroaches the size of your fist, man. I swear, I got in a goddamn fistfight with one on my way out today. I think he wanted the shirt I was packin'." We both laughed. Mike's sense of exaggeration always made me laugh. He had the ability to take bad situations, no matter what they were, and make them funny.
"You got somewhere I can put this?" He picked up his bag. It was new, black, and nylon. It looked like it was designed more for books than clothes -- but clothes is what it held. "Yeah, lemme put it in the bedroom." "Okay," and he handed it to me. I walked down the hallway, entered my dark room, and placed the bag next to my dresser. As I walked back in to the main room, I asked "Want a drink, Mike?" He was standing in the middle of the room where I had left him, looking almost uneasy, glancing at the TV (which had now moved into Final Jeopardy). He turned and looked at me "Oh! Yeah, that'd be nice. I haven't had anything to drink since I left school." I nodded and went to the kitchen (more like a partially-sectioned off part of the living room). "How was your trip?" He turned back from the TV to me again, and sat down on the couch. "Oh fuckin' freakazoids as usual. I hate the damn bus. I sat beside some guy who kept touching my arm and talking to himself. Weirdos as usual. There was also some guy up near the front who was trying to convert the entire bus to Jehovah's Witnesses. I hated it." I giggled and handed him his drink. Mountain Dew, one cube of ice -- his favorite. "But it's good to see you again." "Yeah" I responded, and smiled at him. "You hungry?" "No man, I had some chips on the bus."
We sat on the couch, he kicked his shoes off. I turned the television down and we talked about life. He told me about college, about his classes, about the girl he met. Her name was Ilene, and she was from some foreign country that he forgot. She had black eyes, dark hair, and long straight jet-black hair according to his description of her. They had apparently dated twice, made out on the first date -- oral sex on the second. He must have liked her, if he went out on a second date.
Classes were going well for him, he was having a little bit of problems in some math class he was taking. Didn't surprise me, math was our worst subject. Always had been. He asked me about my life, and how Julie was. I told him that we broke up. He expressed mock condolences. Mock because I knew he never liked her. She wasn't very intelligent, and never treated him well. She always got pissed off because I spent more time with Mike than with her. He asked about work. I told him work was fine, a little hectic and that I had an asshole boss who was impossible to please, but other than that it was okay. He nodded. "Any girls you interested in?", he asked. "Yeah, there's a girl at work who's kinda nice." "What's she like?" I thought about it for a moment. I hadn't much considered her, but out of all the girls at work she was the only one who actually caught my attention. "Well, her name is Sarah." "Oooh, Sarah. I dated a girl named Sarah once, remember her?" "...Oh yeah! I do! God, whatever happened to her?" "Hell if I know, last I heard she was in New York City. Anyway, what else?" "Oh, well, she's about 5'6" I guess, medium build, short bobbed hair -- a little lighter than yours. Uh, she's about 17 I guess." He raised an eyebrow and gave me an evil little smile. "Oooooh...going for fresh meat, huh?" he chuckled a bit. I grinned, "Yeah, I guess so."
We continued talking for a long while, when our conversation was interrupted by an uncontrollable yawn from an obviously very tired Mike. I smiled, it was a sweet sight to see him yawn -- a large tanned muscular young man being so boyish and vulnerable. "Tired dude?" "Yeah, I've been on the road all day, and I had to get up early to pack. I nodded. "Okay, lemme get your stuff. He yawned an acknowledgement, and I got up to go to the closet. I returned with a pillow, a sheet, and a blanket. He got up and pulled off his shirt -- a nice fashionable gift he got from his mom last Christmas. He stripped down to his boxers as I made up his bed on the couch. I turned and looked at him. My heart skipped a beat. He was 20, a year older than me, and stood about 6'2", three inches taller than me. His hair was a beautiful sandy blond, cut in a shorter bobbed style. His chest, arms, and legs all had lightly tanned well defined muscles. He was mostly hairless, save for some light brown hair on his calves. His eyes, a beautiful shade of blue, glinted when he gave his gorgeous dumb-looking toothy grin. He sat down on the couch.
"What time do you hafta be at work tomorrow?" he asked. "Nine." He nodded. "Just go ahead and sleep in, knowing you you probably won't be up until I get home anyway." We both grinned. "What time do you get off?" "Around 5, I'm usually home around 5:15." "9 to 5, huh?" he said with a grin, obviously remembering the song. "Yeah yeah yeah, fuck off," I giggled. "Anyway, when you get up you can just relax around here and do whatever. There's some pizza in the fridge if you want." "Okay dude, night. Love ya". I smiled, it'd been a long time since I heard him say that. It warmed me inside. "Love ya too", I beamed. On my way through the hallway I flicked off the lights to the living room, shrouding everything in darkness. I stumbled into my room, undressed, checked my alarm, and climbed into my cold bed. I thought of him in the next room, I fantasized about going in there and taking him into my arms, holding him close to me and never letting go. My mind reviewed an assortment of memories of Mike and I, and I finally drifted off to sleep thinking of him.
I woke up to the loud buzzing of my alarm clock the next morning, I negotiated with the SNOOZE bar a few times, eventually lost and got up to face the day. I stumbled naked into the shower as I always do, climbed in, and bathed myself off for work. I dressed in my cheap dress clothes. The boss wants us to try and look like we're a class business, rather than the cheap dirty restaurant that we really are. I went to the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast. As I stood eating, I stared at Mike lying on my couch. He had a muscular arm lying on the armrest above his head, and his hair was ruffled -- making him look even more appealing. His face held a blank expression, and a bit of his chest could be seen under the blanket. I finished my meal and went off to work.
Work was as hectic and as boring as usual. Around one o'clock I had the chef make me a chicken sandwich, and ate it over my break while looking at last week's Sunday newspaper -- again. I got off work at the regular time, clocked out, and drove home through the dark and drizzly night as usual. When I got home Mike was sitting on the couch eating some Cheez-it's and watching TV. He looked up and gave me a big smile as I walked through the door. "Hey Pete, how's work?" "Ugh, dull as fuck.", I tiredly replied as I started to take off my coat. "No, let's go out and get some dinner, I'm starved.", he interrupted. I thought for a minute, I was too actually. "Okay." I pulled my coat back over my shoulders. He stood up and got his coat from the hook, and put it on. I turned off the TV and opened the door for him. We went to a Friendly's, which was everything but. We chatted more about things, this time over spaghetti. "It sucks you can't come home with me." he said with a slight frown. "Yeah, but everyone's either going to take off for Christmas or call in sick -- so I gotta be there. The boss won't let me go." He nodded. "Dickhead." "What time is your bus back to Alexandria?" "Leaves at ten." I nodded and checked my watch. 6:38. "I wish we had more time, I've really missed you." He smiled at me, "I've missed you too man, I think about you all the time." "Really?", I asked. I smiled broadly. It feels good to hear that you're thought of. "Yeah, like at night when I'm studying, or just lying in bed...I really think a lot, about all the fun we had." I nodded. "Me too." He smiled. We finished our meal and sat and talked for awhile, debating dessert. We decided against it, and finally left at almost eight. We got back to my apartment, and chatted some more. At nine fifteen, Mike decided he better pack up. "I'm sorry you can't stay more Mike." "Me too, but my mom wants me home right away, she misses me I guess. If I had the money I'd stop back on the way to see you." He frowned. I nodded. "Maybe we can get together over spring break or something, maybe go to the beach if I get some time off and money." "Okay", he grinned.
He packed up his things, and at 9:30 he put on his coat to walk to the bus station that was on the corner of my block. "Dude, would you let me walk you down to the station please?", I asked. "Nope. You know how I feel about that." I nodded. "Still, I wish you'd let me. I hate for you to walk down there by yourself. "Pete! Sheez man, it's just down to the corner, just about seventy feet down the sidewalk. It's no biggy." "I know" I said sadly. Mike had some funny quarks. He didn't like to have anyone wait for him or go in with him to airports or bus stations. He felt it was a hassle for the person and an insult to his pride to have anyone wait on him like that. I never understood it.
We went outside, I walked him down the steps to the sidewalk. "Call me man, let me hear how you're doin'.", he said, stumbling for words. "Okay, I'll call sometime when you get back to school." We hugged, but didn't let go. As we had each other in our arms, he said through tears "You take care of yourself now, don't let anything happen to you." The sound of him crying made me do the same. My eyes welled up with tears. I paused to try and regain my composure. It didn't work. "Okay, I will. You too."
My throat hurt.
We broke our embrace, yet held on to each other's shoulders. We stared into each other's eyes. His beautiful blue eyes glinted with the reflection of the Christmas lights, and the rims of them were pink and damp with the tears. I looked deeply into them, they seemed to go right into his soul. He looked deeply into mine. He started in closer towards me, I did the same to him. Our faces met where our noses were almost touching. He slowly tilted his head and placed his soft lips over mine. My heart seemed to melt, and I wrapped my arms around me. He kissed me...the words don't even give it credit. We held each other, eyes closed, and we just fell into this kiss. His tongue softly explored my mouth, mine softly explored his...we were wrapped into one, one being. Years of love flowing through to each other purely and unconditionally. I felt his warmth, breathed his breath, held him tightly in my arms as we connected in honest, true, love.
We reluctantly separated. His face was pink and blushed, and his lips were now a damp ruby red. He gave me a warm smile, and we stared into each other's eyes for a long moment. All he said was "Be good Pete, I love you."
All I could say was "You too Mike, I love you too." He nodded and picked up his bag, and turned to walk down the street.
I watched him walk away, I was floating. It hit me, all of a sudden, from no where I realized: I love him, he's been the only person in my life that I was in love with. And I loved him with everything that I was. Without him there really was no me, I wasn't complete without him in my life. All this time I'd been searching for love, when it was right in front of me this whole time.
As he continued down the sidewalk, it started snowing again.