Disclaimer: If you don't like it, don't read it. It's that simple.
Here's chapter 5, on schedule as promised. I'm not sure when chapter 6 will be out. I HOPE to have it out before I head out of town for another long weekend, but if I don't, please don't hold it against me. Once chapter 6 is out, you'll be happy and I don't want to rush it. Please send feedback to teresa_8998@hotmail.com . Thanks!
Whatever it Takes - Chapter 5
By, Teresa
Lance walked down the hotel hallway, tiredly rubbing a hand over his eyes. He was so relieved to be done for the day, after having been stuck in a seemingly interminable number of radio and phone interviews with Joey. The other three had been given the daunting task of talking to a slew of teen magazines for much of the afternoon. The guys had become so over-committed and their time under such demand, that they often split up and took care of multiple interviews at the same time. Some days, they rarely even saw each other until they had to be onstage for a concert, or returned to the hotel on an off day. He glanced at his watch, and figured that Justin would probably be back already. He felt himself looking forward to the rest of the evening, because he truly treasured these few hours that he got to spend with Justin each day. Even if he couldn't be with him in the way that he silently wished, their time together fulfilled Lance in ways that he had never imagined possible. They would just sit and talk, Justin finally opening up to Lance more and more with each passing day. Some days they would discuss what happened with the alcohol counselor or talk about something that was bothering Justin, and others they'd just lay there on their beds and analyze the patterns on the ceiling. What they did wasn't important, just as long as they were together. The other guys were glad that they had gone back to being inseparable friends, and their growing dependence on one another didn't go unnoticed by anyone but Lance and Justin themselves.
Reaching the door of his room, he slid the keycard in and swung the door open. As he entered the room, he heard the sound of muffled crying. He felt a wave of panic pass over his body as he looked to Justin's bed and saw his friend lying there, his back facing Lance, and his shoulders shaking slightly. It had been so good to see the light returning to Justin's eyes. He couldn't bear to watch the sadness and anger return. Lance sighed and noiselessly made his way over to Justin's bed, sitting down next to his friend.
Justin felt the bed dip down as Lance settled down next to him. Without saying a word, he rolled over and rested his head on Lance's thigh, wrapping his arms around his leg as if hanging on for dear life. Lance felt an awkward discomfort at his nearness, feeling as if he were somehow doing something wrong by hiding the true nature of his feelings from Justin, while his friend felt such physical and emotional comfort with him. However, he couldn't bring himself to turn away, or to push Justin off of him. He knew Justin well enough to realize that he needed comfort and understanding more than anything else at this moment. Lance began to absently stroke Justin's hair, and he felt Justin begin to relax slightly under his touch.
He waited until Justin's tears had subsided before he finally spoke. "Wanna tell me what's wrong?" he asked softly.
Justin rolled over slightly, so that he was looking up at Lance, his head still resting on Lance's leg. Lance shifted as well, moving his hand to Justin's forehead, and brushing the curls out of his face. He looked down as Justin gazed up at him with red, puffy eyes. "I had a stomach ache," Justin said weakly.
Lance looked down at him with disbelieving eyes. "You had a stomach ache, and it got you this upset?"
Justin managed a weak laugh before letting out a long sigh. "No, the stomach ache just snowballed into a hellish experience and I'm just kind of shaken up right now. I'll be all right. It's no big deal. Really."
Lance looked at him expectantly. "You know I'm not going to let you off the hook that easily. Tell me what happened. Maybe you'll feel better if you talk about it."
Justin put a hand over his eyes as if he wished he could block out his day, before finally removing it and looking at Lance warily. "All right, fine, if you want to know, I'll tell you," he said. "I got back here like an hour and a half ago, and I was laying down for a few minutes when my stomach really started to hurt. When I was little, my mom always used to give me pretzels and ginger ale to make me feel better, so I decided to go down to the convenience store next to the hotel to get some. I went and grabbed Lonnie and he walked down there with me. I guess some girls saw me walking over there, and when we got into the store they just started swarming down on me and there were all of these flashes going off everywhere around me." He closed his eyes, fighting the memory of feeling trapped and helpless. It was a feeling that had plagued him over the past few months.
Lance looked down at him and nodded his head in understanding. He knew what it was like to be pursued - they all did - but none of them had to experience it in the way that Justin did. He took the brunt of their fans' adoration.
Justin reopened his eyes and continued. "All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe," he said softly. "I couldn't even see straight with all of the lights in my face. We ran out of there as fast as we could. Hell, I never even got my pretzels and ginger ale. My stomach STILL hurts. So anyway, I came back here and I felt so overwhelmed that I just started crying and for some reason, I couldn't seem to stop."
Lance continued to run his hand over Justin's curls. "It's okay now," he said soothingly. "Nobody can hurt you in here."
Justin smiled at Lance appreciatively. "I know," he replied. "I just wish that once, I could go out in public and be normal. I'd love to go to the mall or a restaurant or the movies, and just blend into the crowd - be just like everyone else. I just can't seem to get a moment's peace and it's driving me crazy."
He began to speak quickly, a tinge of desperation apparent in his voice. "I mean, there's always someone telling me what to do," he said. "I can't remember the last time that I really felt like I had control over my life. One minute it's management telling me what to wear, where I can go, and who I can go there with. The next minute, it's the fans riding my ass because my hair is an undesirable color or length. If they only knew that I grew my hair out like this as a test. To see what it was about me - why they liked me so much. Now, all I hear about is cutting it or re-styling it. Is that all I am to them? Is my value as a human being based on the style of my hair?"
"For what it's worth, I love it," Lance said with a smile. "But seriously J, the people who really know YOU, who know you as something more than just Justin from `NSYNC, we all love you for you. At the end of the day, that's all that should matter. Don't let the opinions of people who have never even met you, who don't truly know who you are as a person, affect the way that you look at yourself. If you want your hair to be bigger than Joey's rear end, then that's fine. Just as long as you like it."
Justin finally let out a small laugh. "Shit Lance, I don't think I could grow it that big. Joey's ass is pretty astronomical in size."
His face took on a somber expression once again. "I just want to know what it's like to be those people on the street," he said sadly. "Some days, I wish I could trade places with the bus drivers or the bell boys. I got into this business so young that I can barely remember a normal day. It's so hard sometimes. That's why I always liked to go out at night, you know? That was MY time. I could do whatever I wanted, and nobody was there to tell me it was wrong. It might not have been all that enjoyable in the long run, but it was mine. I think that's kinda why I freaked out on you when you called me out on it. I didn't want to lose my one little bit of freedom that I had claimed as my own."
"Are you sorry that it's gone?" Lance asked. "Do you wish you could go back to that? To those nights where nobody was watching out for you?"
Justin thought for a moment before slowly shaking his head. "Nah, surprisingly I don't miss it at all," he replied. "It might have been freedom, but it was obviously the wrong kind. Now I've just got to find my little place of freedom. I need to have something that is just mine." He let out an exasperated sigh. "I don't know what it is yet, but I'll find it."
"Just give it time Justin," Lance murmured. "Just give it time." The two boys sat there in silence, Justin still laying on Lance's leg, and Lance still running his fingers through Justin's hair. They had settled into this position, and neither of them was willing to move. They sat in silence for a few moments, until Lance felt Justin settle into the peaceful rhythmic breathing of sleep. He smiled, and then slowly scooted out from under Justin and made his way out the door.
Justin slowly opened his eyes and looked around the darkened room. He realized that the day had turned to night since he had inadvertently fallen asleep in Lance's lap. Lance. He suddenly became aware of the fact that he was no longer situated on Lance's leg, and looked around trying to get his bearings. He looked over to the bed next to him, and was able to make out the lumpy shape of another person lying there sleeping. Not feeling so tired anymore, Justin grabbed the remote control and turned on the television, being sure to keep the volume low so as not to disturb Lance.
As the light from the television began to fill the room, Justin reached over to turn the alarm clock towards him, so he could see what time it was. It was then that he noticed the ginger ale and pretzels sitting on the table between them. He smiled and looked over at Lance, almost overwhelmed by this simple action. He wondered why Lance was so nice to him, so willingly close and self-sacrificing when it came to him. He picked up the bag of pretzels and opened it, grabbing a handful of them, and beginning to chew slowly, while gazing thoughtfully at Lance.
He was very aware of the fact that he wasn't even paying the television any attention, but he couldn't stop watching Lance as he slept. The way his chest rose and fell so rhythmically. The way his eyelids would occasionally flutter, as he became lost in a dream. Justin couldn't tear his eyes away and he marveled at how peaceful Lance looked at this moment. Without full awareness of his actions, he sat up and swung his legs over the side of his bed, leaning over toward Lance. He suddenly couldn't resist reaching out and running the back of his hand along the smooth skin of Lance's face. `I wonder if he'd mind,' he thought. He looked back and forth between his bed and Lance's, as if he were making a major life decision. In one fluid motion, he sprung up from his bed and quickly walked around the other side of Lance's before pulling back the sheets, and sliding in next to Lance. He shut off the TV and curled up next to Lance's back, close enough to feel the comfort from the heat of Lance's body, but avoiding actual physical contact. He immediately fell into the most sound sleep he'd had in weeks.
Lance opened his eyes, and blinked a few times to clear the sleep out of them. Morning had dawned, but something didn't feel quite right. He looked over at Justin's empty bed, and glanced to the open door of the bathroom, wondering where Justin had gone. He rolled onto his back and came into contact with something warm and solid, and startled, he glanced over his shoulder to see a wild mop of curls sticking out from the top of the blankets. He immediately froze, unable to conceive of how Justin had gotten there, curled up so close to his back. Slowly laying back down on the bed, he furrowed his brow in thought, trying to figure out why Justin would even want to be sleeping there in the first place. He figured that all of this forced concentration wasn't going to do him any good and he simply smiled to himself, glad that Justin wanted to be near him, that he needed him in some way, no matter what the reason was. Lance lay on the bed silently staring at the ceiling, wrapped up in his own thoughts. Thoughts of what Justin had come to mean to him, and the amazing feelings he was experiencing at Justin's nearness. He became so oblivious to his surroundings that he didn't notice the faint stirring next to him, as Justin slowly came into wakefulness.
"Hey," Justin said softly, his warm breath caressing Lance's cheek.
Lance suddenly became acutely aware of how close Justin was, and he felt his body tense before awkwardly saying hey back, and turning to face Justin. When he turned, he realized that they were so close that their noses were almost touching. He hadn't meant to get that close, but he couldn't help but be captivated by Justin's face. He could see each of his long eyelashes, curling against his skin as he blinked. He could still see the sleep in the corners of Justin's eyes, and he fought the urge to reach up and wipe it away.
A tense silence developed between them, as they each lay there staring into each other's eyes for what seemed like hours. Lance was the first to pull back and turn away, fearing that if Justin looked into his eyes for too long, he'd see something that Lance didn't want him to. He let out an exaggerated yawn, and stretched his arms out wide, as he slowly got up from the bed, suddenly feeling the need to put some distance between himself and Justin. "I better go get my shower," he said, making his way to the bathroom as quickly as possible. Justin looked at him quizzically and his gaze followed Lance's back until the bathroom door shut behind him.
By the time both boys had showered and dressed, the awkward moment that they had shared that morning had been put behind them. Neither of them had forgotten about it, but they shared a silent understanding that they weren't quite ready to talk about it either. Justin felt a sudden need to break the silence.
"So what are we gonna do today?" he asked Lance. "Do you want to grab the security brigade and try to brave the mall or something?" They had a day off, and he felt like doing something. Even though the thought of braving the outside world made him a little weary, he wanted to get out of the confines of the bus and hotel rooms.
"Well, I was thinking maybe some lunch and a movie," Lance replied. "What do you think about that? Maybe we could go shopping after?"
"Yeah, okay," Justin complied. He found that movies could get to be quite frustrating, when fans would come up begging for autographs in the middle of the show. Not only did it ruin the movie for him, but he was the focus of many frustrated glares from the other people in the theater. But, he figured it was still something outside of the hotel room, so it was good enough for him. "What are the other guys doing today?" he asked.
"Oh, they've got their own things going on I guess," Lance responded vaguely, as he bent over and tied his shoes. "You ready?" He looked at Justin expectantly.
Justin nodded his head. "Yup, let's go."
As the elevator reached the bottom floor and the doors opened, Justin sighed wearily at the sight of the crowd of fans standing around the entrance of the hotel. He pulled his hat down a little lower over his eyes, and seemed to brace himself as he began to walk toward the door. He was stopped suddenly as he felt a hand on his shoulder. "We're gonna go this way today," Lance said, as he pointed toward the side of the hotel. Justin didn't really understand what was going on, but he just followed along, not arguing with the fact that he was able to avoid the crowd.
They got into the van that would cart them around for the day, and as it slowly pulled out into the street Justin slumped down into the seat, suddenly exhausted at the thought of trying painfully to blend into society for another day. At that moment, he was ready to turn back around and seek refuge in the comfort of his room.
The van pulled to a stop in front of the local Hard Rock Caf‚. He turned to Lance and looked at him as if he were crazy. "Are you nuts?" he asked in disbelief. "You're bringing us to the Hard Rock? Do you know how many fans just expect us to be here now? We won't get a moment's peace."
Lance just tugged on his arm a little. "Just come with me and trust me on this one," he replied.
Justin reluctantly stepped out of the van with security close behind. Lance held open the door to the restaurant for him. "After you, sir," he said, with a fake English accent. Justin rolled his eyes and walked through the door, bracing himself for what could await him inside.
As he walked in, he immediately took notice of the fact that nobody seemed particularly interested that they were there. He turned around to make a comment to security and noticed that they had disappeared. "What the hell?" he said, as he turned back to Lance. "Yo man, where did security go?"
"Don't need `em today," Lance replied with a smile.
"What?" Justin asked, not understanding. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Look around you J," Lance said. "Just take a good look at the faces in this room."
Justin looked around. The restaurant was crowded, and he had spent so much of his life avoiding eye contact with people, and trying not to look at anyone directly, that he hadn't paid any attention to the people dining there on this particular day. As he looked around the room, a smile began to spread slowly across his face. There were the stage crew, the lighting guys, and the sound guys filling one side of the room. On the other he saw bus drivers, security, and people from their management team. All of them were sitting around, ignoring Justin and Lance, and acting like regular diners on a regular day. He glanced toward the center of the room where he saw the other three guys, along with Danielle and Joey's brother Steve, sitting there talking and laughing like this was a normal day in the life. Justin turned to Lance with disbelief written all over his face. "Did you do all this?" he asked.
Lance shrugged his shoulders and looked down at the ground, suddenly feeling shy. "You said you wanted to know what it was like to be normal for a day," he replied. "Well here you go. It all starts with lunch. Then we've rented out the movie theater, and we cajoled the mall into staying open just a little later tonight, so you can shop in peace."
Justin continued to stare at Lance, and shook his head back and forth. "You're incredible, you know that?" He pulled Lance into a tight hug. "Thank you so much," he murmured. "You'll never know how much this means to me." He turned his head and brushed his lips up against Lance's cheek, letting them rest there for a moment, before pulling away. He gazed at Lance thoughtfully for a moment before plastering a bright smile across his face, and patting Lance on the back. "Let's go eat," he said cheerfully. Lance stood frozen in the same spot, and watched as Justin made his way across the room, to the table where the other guys sat, and pulled out a chair. He looked back toward Lance.
"You coming?" he yelled.
Lance simply nodded his head and made his way across the room to join the other guys, feeling just a little dazed.
Well I hope that gives some bigger hints at what's to come in the next chapter. I can PROMISE you that you will not be disappointed with what's to come...finally. As always, send feedback to teresa_8998@hotmail.com.