When I Can't Find You 3
WHEN I CAN’T FIND YOU
Ch.3
this is a story about boys who fall in love. If this is offensive to you, use your back button or go away. All rights reserved.
Preface:
It’s FINALLY here! Thank you very much to any loyal readers out there for the extreme patience you have showed me! I am SO sorry for the delay. As I mentioned in some emails, work (which I left) studies (which I screwed up!) and procrastination have been major pitfalls, with some other things thrown into the mix.
I won’t make any promises over the next chapter but I thank you guys deeply for the responses! There will DEFINITELY be more chapters, and hopefully not TOO far apart!
Of all the emails I received, one of them from a guy called “Mike” was absolutely amazing. “Mike” I hope you don’t shoot me for mentioning you here, but I feel you and your boyfriend are doing great work and I HAVE to share it, hoping that it will inspire more people to do the good work that you are.
“Mike” told me about a guy that he had met a guy called “Andrew” at a support group for HIV+ people, as some of the guys they know attend there. As “Mike” put it, some of the guys there are so poor it’s heart breaking, and they always go with 2 boxes of donuts for them. Sadly one of the guys, “Andrew”, passed away recently. “Andrew” was the guy who had turned “Mike” to nifty. It is really sad to have heard about his passing, especially since I would have loved to have been able to know him, but we have “Andrew” to thank for “Mike” being a reader – and I must tell you guys, “Mike’s” first email to me – a very simple email – struck me and put a huge smile on my face. “Mike”, I hope more people can be inspired to do what you and your boyfriend are doing, and definitely on my behalf, to send love and good wishes to everyone at the support group!
Anyway, I am WAY past my bedtime and I have promised an advance copy to all my emailers, so to all of you guys, thanks a lot for the support this side!
Also to Jon, who usually edits my chapters, a GREAT thanks! I’ll have sent this one off to the readers *before* editing so excuse any mistakes!
Without further delay, CHAPTER THREE!
WHEN I CAN’T FIND YOU: CHAPTER 3
Message In A Bottle
The moment she made it onto the deck, it was almost as if a time-warp opened up. She stood there looking at us with a look of intense fear, a look that was so familiar to me, because it was not very different from the look Justin had on his face earlier that day. The fear in her eyes, Justin’s eyes, and probably my eyes as well, grew greater and greater with every passing second.
She was only a few feet away from us and the silence at that moment was deafening. I think all of us were standing there, wishing we knew who would break the silence first. She was as frightened of us as we probably were of her, if not more.
Justin spoke up after what seemed and eternity. “Allison, what do you want here? Why are you here?” The tone in Justin’s voice at those questions was a mix of an icy-cruel enquiry, and fear, a fear we all shared after the events earlier that day. He was very unsure of what to expect from Allison, a component of what used to be his family. Yet the question he asked was simple, and he looked her straight in the eye waiting for an answer. The atmosphere on that deck was absolutely indescribable. There just are no words that can fully express the tension.
Allison looked down to her feet for a few moments, took a deep breath, exhaling with a jaggedness to her breath – the nerves were eating away at her probably more than any of us. “Justin… Uhm. Well, uh… I. Umm. Mom doesn’t know I’m here and… I want to say I’m so sorry!” It sounded like she wanted to say more, but she was overcome with tears, her body jagged, cold, and dying from the intense emotions she felt at that moment.
Allison was here to make peace, nothing more. In reality, and to be honest, something I didn’t think about, she was the only one there today that we didn’t fight with, she was quiet. Yet the fact that she was part of the scene, and a member of the ‘enemy’ household, we all assumed she was also against us. Justin could see in her eyes that she felt NOTHING like Melissa or his mother. She missed him, she needed him. He slowly stood up from his chair, walked over to Allison, and pulled her in for a tight hug.
With that I think we all came back down to earth, and felt a sense of relief. She was here because Justin was her brother, and she still loved him.
She pulled back slightly from the hug, and looked at Justin with her tear-filled eyes. “Justin, I’m sorry. I feel like such a traitor, especially after today. I should have said something today. I should have stopped Melissa, and mom. But I didn’t! I love you Justin, you’re my brother, and you always will be no matter what you are! I’m so sorry for failing you!” With that she broke down in tears again, and I felt absolutely terrible for her.
“Hush, shhh Allison, it’s okay my lil sis… I believe you, and you know what? You didn’t do anything wrong okay? It means the whole world to me that you came here! I feel so good that you came, I still have my family if I have you, it means such a lot to me! Please stop crying, I love you too, and you know that!”
Watching Justin and Allison was a lot like watching t.v for a few moments. We were so absorbed in the situation and what we were seeing, that we forgot we were alive, and part of this picture. Days of our lives, here’s a run for your money!
I snapped back into reality though, and thought that it might be best to carry this on in the bedroom, in some privacy.
“Uh, Justin, Allison… Why don’t the two of you go into my room and talk there for a bit? I’ll go get us some juice in the meantime. Jus, could you push the two beds together in the room?” I just asked them to go because I don’t think it’s cool for them to have all of this in front of my parents, Allison must be nervous enough as it is.
Justin smiled at me with a gentle smile, and led Allison inside. Once inside the room we all sat in a sort of triangle on the two beds, and got ready for the talk. I sat close to Justin, half because I wanted to, and half because I wanted to see Allison’s reaction. I realized from looking in her eyes, that she was okay with it, she was here for good reasons only.
Justin yet again broke the silence for us, thank goodness. “Okay Al, why are you here? I mean, I’m gay okay? And Jason is my boyfriend. So what is the deal from your side, because I feel kind of cast out, Mom doesn’t want me, Melissa hates me so much she’s doing everything she can to wreck my life, so why are you here? Why do you care at all? I am really sorry if I sound cold Al, but, I just can’t understand what is good in my life anymore, and I’m afraid of feeling the rejection again.”
Justin’s tone of voice was friendly, yet with a bit of coldness to it, he was direct yet gentle. I think he knew in his heart that Allison was here on good intentions. He didn’t want to push her away, because he really needed her. He needed that element of his family. He just didn’t need to feel all the pain again. He wanted to be sure she wasn ’t going to let him down again.
Allison was battling with her emotions as she looked back at Justin, but she was trying her best to be brave, and keep those emotions as far down as she could. I admired that, because I couldn’t be that brave. I’m a real emotional wuss! She was standing as strong as she could, even in the face of this terribly scary and awkward situation.
“Justin. There is not much I can say to take the pain away. But I need you to listen to me now, because this is one time I really have to tell you what is on my heart. I am really shocked. That you’re… uhm. You know-“
“Gay?” Justin cut her off, with a hint of irritation in his voice as he said that.
“Yeah… Gay.” She looked down as she said that, and Justin was getting more irritated.
“Allison. I am gay. That is what I am. And you have to either get over it or go away because I don’t want this to carry on being treated like some UNSPEAKABLE word!”
I needed to step in before they got into an argument over something that wasn’t worth fighting about. I knew because I had been here before. “Justin, Allison, chill both of you! It’s hard for Allison to say this shit because this is all a shock to her, let her get used to it. Allison he does have a point though you should treat the word gay like it’s okay, don’t be afraid of it, it’s not a bad word to us, as long as it’s not a bad word to you.”
She nodded quietly, took a deep breath and tried to start again. She looked Justin dead in the eye this time, pulled up all her courage and continued. “Justin, it’s a shock to me that you’re gay. It’s scary to hear and think about because it’s just not something I’ve ever really had to think about and the last person I could ever imagine being gay is you. It’s hard when your older brother is ‘straight’ to you his whole life, and one day you suddenly wake up and find out he’s not. I know it doesn’t change you but it does change a lot about you and that is why it scares me, or is hard for me to just swallow down in one go.
But I have to tell you that you mean more to me than you know. You kept me going when daddy died. You took care of me and you understood what I was feeling. You were the only one out there who I could relate to. The only one who took care of me when the world was nothing but a nightmare. I love you too much to let you go, no matter what you are or what you do!
I came here to tell you that I’m with you, I’m behind you, and I’ll always love you and need you in my life, even if mom doesn’t want to allow it, I still love you and I am not going to let anybody take you away from me. I can’t lose you too…”
All of our floodgates had opened by now and by now Justin’s whole demeanor towards Allison had softened up completely. I know that deep down inside, Justin had needed Allison in all the same ways, and that she was as important to him as he was to her, for all the same reasons.
The death of their father bonded them in a way that few siblings ever get bonded. And the hard time their mother had coping with the reality of everything forced them to build on each other for strength, suddenly there were no parents to hold them and tell them it’s going to be okay.
They grew close in that time, I just don’t think they realized how close – until now.
The most important thing though, was that she accepted him. Justin’s sister accepted him, and I think he needed that more than anything else in the world right now, to have hope to carry on, to know that someone in his own family still loved him and was willing to both accept and learn to understand him when he needs it most.
Watching all of this made me realize how fortunate I was to have a family that cared about me – despite being gay. Okay my Dad could still give me the boot at any time if he found out I was gay, but so far he’s the only one still in the dark, and everyone else has openly accepted me for the way I am, and also show me love and support. They treat me like Jason. Not like their gay son, or gay brother, or gay friend. But only as another person. I can honestly say I was happy with the way things are in my own life right now – I have the coolest mom, the hottest boyfriend, and right now, everything is so good for me personally that it’s almost surrealistic. Allison’s showing up and opening up to Justin had erased a lot of anticipated sadness in both Justin’s life, and in my life – because I knew I would be sad for Justin. Now, with SOME good news at least, I knew I had something else to make Justin feel better.
Allison was definitely motivation for his life. She is going to be the main link in holding Justin’s family together – even though they won’t be together – for now. If I can help Justin to realize just how significantly important having Allison is for rebuilding things, maybe he will have a renewed energy to take on the bad situation he is faced with right now.
After we all sat in silence for a while, Justin took in a deep breath and spoke up. “Al, I am so glad you came. You don’t know just how much this means to me, knowing that you care, and that you are here for me. It really matters to me – more than you will EVER know, especially right now. But I need to know, are you cool that I’m gay, and that Jason is my boyfriend?”
She gave him a gentle smiled and replied “Yeah Jus, totally cool! I watch a lot of t.v – gays don’t freak me out anymore, Will and Grace changed it all!” We all giggled at the way she pulled her face after saying that.
Then out of the blue Allison’s face went serious again, as she glanced at Justin and said: “Justin, I want to ask you something…?” It seriousness in her tone of voice and facial expression grabbed our attention instantly, and we looked at her questioningly.
“Well. This holiday is going to end, where are you going to live?”
I jumped in before Justin could answer – not because I could probably give a better answer – but because I really wanted to contribute to this conversation I was beginning to feel really left out! Okay it is because I could answer better okay.
“Jus is going to stay with me… Maybe permanently… Maybe only till he can one day go back home. We’re also from Jo’burg…” I smiled a little wide, yet sweetly. I was excited at the prospect of having him living with me. “My mom and stepdad are very easy people and they already invited Justin to live with us, and welcomed him as part of my family, and I know that makes you part of our family too, and welcome anytime.”
She looked at me quite surprised, but also gave me a sweet smile. There was that hint of sadness behind her smile, sadness because Justin was not going home, but more happiness that she could safely know her brother was going to be taken care of. I’m sure she knew as well as we did why Justin couldn’t return home, and she didn’t have any say in the matter, even though she wanted to protest inside of her, unfortunately it was beyond any of our control. Then again, as if a page turned on the scene, her face changed to an enquiring look again.
“Guys – I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, uhm, but uhm, how – I mean – you guys just met - didn’t you?”
Justin caught on what she was asking, and responded first: “Uh yeah sis – you have a valid question, but the answer… is simple. It’s maybe even a little naïve, but I am going to say it like it is for both of us. It’s as if I have known Jason my whole life, and I think, well, uhm, I think that he is the one… If there is even such a thing. It’s just that the feeling I have for him is unrivalled and nothing has ever come close to how this feels. Nothing has ever felt so sure. It just truly feels like this is the one boy in the world for me, and yeah, I know we’ll have our problems in the future, who doesn’t – but I think that we have established our love for each other and I know that for both of us, it is REAL.”
She seemed stunned. I think even I was stunned. It’s hard to imagine or believe that Justin has all of these thoughts and emotions in his mind. The way Justin comes across, you’d think ‘dumb jock’ – and so you think nothing emotional really happens up there – but Justin is definitely very interactive what he feels inside.
“Wow Jus, that’s really amazing. Coming from you it’s impact is so much more brother. I guess, yeah, Jason is your forever boyfriend… *moment of thoughtful silence* COOL!!!” She gave us a broad smile, almost like the smile you’d expect from a 3 year old girl who just found out she was getting a life sized Barbie doll later that day. The atmosphere and mood around us was lifting after all the heavy stuff that had been coming out, and I was quite thankful.
I get so carried away with drama I take it WAY too seriously, it was refreshing to be around someone like Justin or Allison who both seem to be able to channel out of drama relatively well.
Thing is when I channel out of drama and suddenly realize I want to bring fun or happiness in, I become devious. That is exactly why I decided to do the very first thing that came to mind. I pounced on Justin, trying to pin him down, and started tickling him as madly as I could, while encouraging Allison to go for Justin as well!
Poor old Justin was trying his best to fight back, but I guess he was just as ticklish as I am because he simply couldn’t stop laughing, but then, oh crap – THEY turn against meeee!!!! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! The next thing I know Allison starts GUNNING for me and before I knew it Justin was on top of me and going at my most ticklish spots! I was SCREAMING for help, barely able to breath from all the laughter and escape-attempts I was making (all in vain I might add) – because ladies and gentlegays – I AM THE MOST TICKLISH GUY ON THE PLANET!!!
Eventually Justin decided to play fair and soon we had Allison down pretty quick as well, screaming in a fit of laughter. I don’t want to know what my poor mother must have been thinking! *evil grin*
After that whole insane escapade we just sort of randomly and idly chatted about smaller things, mostly small talk I guess, till it started getting late – and Allison needed to go home before her mother got frantic and perhaps put 2 and 2 together. She was probably already wondering where Allison had wondered off to for the whole day.
My mom, Justin and myself dropped Allison off about a block from the resort they were staying at, far enough so that we wouldn’t be seen but close enough to know she could walk in safety on her own. When she was gone and we left there was almost a sort of emptiness in the car – it’s like I knew in this short while how important she was for both Justin AND my life, and that she was now a missing component in what we needed around us, but we knew she was at least part of our lives to help us move forward.
Justin however was happy. He was smiling from ear to ear, hugging me, and gave me a big kiss – I think the relief he felt was really overwhelming – not having lost his entire family like it originally felt – and I don’t think he could conceal his happiness nor the immense amount of hope that was now left for the future.
When we got back to the resort we were staying at I told my mom that Justin and I were off for a walk on the beach – being together and stuff I figured it wouldn’t be too dangerous at night. The walk up the dune that separates the ocean/beach from the town is weird at night. It’s so dark other side the dune and with the ocean crashing on the other side in the distance it sounds almost like a wild enraging storm. It sounds so violent you almost expect the ocean to be right up against the dunes, but as soon as you reach the top of the dune from the town’s side, you look down and realize the ocean waters is still quite a distance further than it sounds – there is still a nice stretch of soft-sanded dry beach before you get to the water.
The air was naturally cool, but fresh, as Justin and I walked arm in arm, huddled together cosily as we headed down the dunes towards the beach. He made me feel so warm and protected, and a feeling of happiness and contentment enveloped both of us… it was so romantic, walking together under the night sky along the beach…
After walking for a short distance I asked Justin if we could just sit in the soft sand for a while and watch the ocean – I loved watching the ocean. In all it’s fury, yet beauty. It’s like you are so safe on that beach, and the water gently splashes over your feet if you are close enough, but that water gently splashing over your feet is so gentle and harmless – yet mere metres further into the ocean and you get drawn in by the incredible fury and anger of each wave – the full power that the ocean possesses rages in the fury of crashing waves, telling you that what power the ocean really holds and how clearly it shows that face of power to you.
I have a great respect for the ocean – looking at it like this. It is like a majestic empire no man can conquer… It’s ruthless yet beautiful. The sound of the water just releases your feelings, and you feel like your at level with nature… Having Justin by my side to share in this feeling was utterly amazing – I even became a little emotional… It was a great feeling to share all these complex and imaginative thoughts with someone, instead of just thinking them all on my own.
“Justin angel, what do you feel? Like inside of you? Right now?” Justin glanced at me, and then back at the ocean as we rested our heads together…
“Jay, I dunno. Well yeah, I am happy. I have you, and now, I have Allison. Maybe I feel a little guilty – because it doesn’t feel like I will ever need anything else.”
Hmmm – guilt trip…
“Don’t worry Jus – man – I know why you feel like this. You are just so happy to have Allison that suddenly you don’t feel so empty anymore – and I think you’re so thankful for that, that you’re willing to take just that to carry on with your life. But I know that soon enough you’ll miss your mom too – and I promise you that some day we’ll get her back for you.”
“Thanks Jay… I am happy. I am really happy now – I can’t think of a better person I would like to share all these moments with. I want to share my life with you – right now, tomorrow, and forever. I love you Jay…”
“I love you too Jus.” After that… We shared a deep, passionate, meaningful and emotional kiss – with the ocean continuing it’s crashing of waves in the background – it felt almost as if she was blessing us in our moment.
Sitting there I kept thinking of just how lucky I am. How quickly and dramatically my life had changed in just this holiday. Justin was different. He was the right guy for me – I knew it in my heart. I didn’t even have the tiniest shadow of doubt. I could open up to him, share all my feelings, and feel safe and happy with him. I felt as if we needed each other.
There were so many deep emotions that I felt for Justin. As if my soul reached for him from within my being. It felt as if my body would cease to function and that I would die if he had to die. Yet I always lived before I knew him – things have changed now. I get really deeply attached to the people I know in my life – I know I love them very much. Sometimes people go away, or get taken away from me, very suddenly – and it is so hard to deal with it over and over again. Justin was here to stay – in my heart I knew it – I was sure of it. That made me so happy at that moment, knowing my life was perfect – he was there for me…
A light… motions towards me… the light reaches to my face and wipes away that wretched tear… I feel the light gently kiss on my lips as I hear a gentle whisper… “Be silent… For you are in my hands now. I won’t ever harm you unless it’s to help you and guide you. For I am the light, and the dark. I protect your eyes from the light, and protect your heart with the dark…”
WHOA!!! “Huh?! What?” I visibly shudder out of my dream state mode and back into reality suddenly registering what Justin had just said… and then realizing I was crying…
“Jason… Don’t cry… Where were you now? Why are you crying? Justin was more than just a little confused at my sudden reaction – but so was I to an extent. Had I really drifted that far off?
I tried to snap out of my lost state and turned to Justin, still with weird emotions going through my mind. “You are my angel Justin. What you just said, I, I’m totally blown away – but yeah – what’s wrong. It’s in the past – and I am happy to have you, and I have you NOW. There’s always a part of the past that is going to follow me from every person I’ve ever loved. I guess someone I really loved came back to me now. I was just thinking how he’s gone now – it’s as if he was forever supposed to be part of my life you know – even if we weren’t in love. Yet he isn’t. It feels strange because it’s hard letting the past go peacefully. I can’t help but reflect on some things sometimes, especially when I’m happy, it haunts me, because I’m not sure if I really have let the past free.”
“Okay baby. I guess I can understand, and I ain’t going to leave you alone – I will be by your side whatever it takes in whatever you do. Why does it hurt so much to let go? Why is he so deep in you to make you cry? Why is he gone now?” The concern in Justin’s voice just reminded me even more of the passion this boy invested in me, and it reassured me so much. I really needed that reassurance right now…
I looked at Justin with my eyes still tear-filled. “I don’t know. I guess… I do. I guess he matters so much because something inside of him connected my heart with his – and it’s like a connection I can’t break. I never could – I never could stop feeling some sort of love or compassion for him… (tears began flowing again) I loved him very much, and you know, inside of me I tried hard not to – but I couldn’t control it. In the end… It’s as if he was taken away from me. In one day. Not by death. But by life.”
Justin was looking at me with what was a mixture of a very concerned yet very confused expression. I guess I was being a little too dramatic or poetic here… “Jason? Where is he? Uh… I’m sorry if I’m being a dumb jock here but I don’t really get it, how can life take someone away? And why is it eating you up so much – you’ve got me…”
I sensed the insecurity in his last question. And I knew he was right – more than he knew it – that I DID have him. I found it so difficult to explain or justify my emotions – I mean I was expressing a past lover of sorts to my current lover – but expressing a love. “He… uh… he lives about 200km from here actually. But, Justin this is so hard to explain. We were really close emotionally. At a point my life depended on him. I was ready to end my life because I knew I was going to lose him. I am glad I didn’t – but that’s how deeply my emotions ran for him. I loved him so much – but we COULDN’T be together. I knew that. But I couldn’t stop. And because I couldn’t stop I drove him away… Someone took him from me – and now – now he’s not even allowed to know me anymore…” I choked off crying – like a baby… to my own lover and I was crying like this over an ex lover? Was this really right?
“Hush, baby, it’s okay. I’ll make sure he comes back okay? (SHOCK! WTF??!?!) He’ll be back in your life – but so will I. And as long as he doesn’t try to take my guy away – I wanna do this to make you happy – or at least at peace with it…” Justin was going out of his way to be a noble person here – I will never ever forget that about him – he did what I don’t think any other guy would do – and I NEEDED it!
It was really hard for me to understand or describe why I was suddenly feeling like this when I already had Justin. And in my heart, head, damn everything inside of me I knew Justin is THE ONE for me, the guy I WANT to spend the rest of my life with, and without a shadow of a doubt, a doubt that even creeped up over this past lover. Yet something in my heart – I guess what felt like an overly big part of it – knew that this guy was also there. It’s as if I thought he also belonged in my life somehow – even though I didn’t know how he belonged. I don’t know how I had this determination either, but it didn’t feel so wrong anymore, not if I was going to have Justin to help me – it was no longer a dark secret – and I didn’t feel like it would interfere with our relationship.
Despite all I had reflected on I was also beginning to actually feel the emotion about this guy actually disappearing. Maybe all I needed was to share it with Justin, maybe all I needed was to express it, and let go?
We got up from our now warmly settled spot on the beach and decided to head back for home – realizing that we were dying of hunger already. We walked back slowly huddled tightly against one another… Justin was undoubtedly the love of my life, my reason for living, and the BEST thing that has *EVER* happened to me.
RIiiiight. I know what you readers are thinking – you’re thinking “Jay is such a slut!!!! THAT BITCH HOW COULD HE?!?!” And you know what, NO! (Fuck you if you added the bitch word :P ) I love Justin, whole-heartedly! I love him with every little bit of energy I can possibly muster to love him, and then some. Even if I never had any energy, my love would carry on – Justin was as if he was part of my whole life since the very beginning. I love him with ALL I have.
It’s just that in my heart there is a lot of love. And my love for people changes, but it never dies. My love for Clark will never die, it’s form and intensity will change, but love doesn’t die. I cannot describe how much I would care about him – even if he never came back – Justin is all I need and want for the rest of my life.
Yeah okay, so the rest of the evening was pretty full of amazing drama and stuff, like eat and sleep. I know you expected more, but I don’t talk out of the bedroom (not always *wink*).
The following morning we woke up entangled in each others arms, but we couldn’t be “naughty” in any sense of the word, because Jamie had decided to opt for the other single bed in the room again and we didn’t want to risk him waking up with us in the act. But nonetheless, I had more than enough happiness to sustain me my entire life just waking up with Justin’s beautiful blue eyes fluttering open in front of me. Their depth and emotion, their love, it all comes into my eyes and straight down into my heart.
It was pretty much the usual morning routine if you could really call it that, shower, breakfast, think of rest of day. But of course it was waaaaaay more interesting, what with Justin and I all over each other, and my step brother really relishing in every opportunity he could find to tease us! There was plenty of goofing around with each other – and I was beginning to realize just how open-minded my stepbrother was.
Justin and my stepbrother worked well together – which is pretty much the case with Justin and everyone else in my family (so far anyway – there were still two older brothers and maybe even my real dad at some stage).
He was really an awesome guy with people, very sociable, very active, and very easy going! How can you not love such a person? He is just SO amazing to me! Almost unbelievable!
There were only two full days left of our vacation, so Justin, my stepbrother, and I, decided we would make the best of our time that we had left… of course leaving here wouldn’t feel so bad anymore though knowing Justin was going back with us.
Today we grabbed our shovels, our buckets, an umbrella, our boogie boards and ourselves together with some beach towels, and headed off to the beach… My stepbrother ran back to get us some refreshments, and we geared up for ‘MISSION FORT!’
Who says we have to grow up????
We chose a spot far from the entrance to the beach to do our digging, where not too many people walked by. Eh. And thus the digging began! We were like little boys, the way we were carrying on, but we had LOADS of fun, Justin taking the occasional chance at giving me a quick kiss when the two of us were digging together.
We dug a really deep hole, also really big, and it took us about two hours until we were satisfied. Then we put the umbrella over the hole, effectively creating an underground tent of sorts, and of course, we were VERY impressed with our handiwork, but also very exhausted. Jamie volunteered to run back and sneak us each a beer back, and there was no way we were going to refuse that!
As Jamie made his exit, Justin and I just sorta glanced at each other out of the corner of our eyes, both of us with a kind of stupid lost look on our face. It took us a moment to realize our stupidity looks – and we suddenly both roared with laughter that neither of us could really control – just rolling around in our little hole, getting wet from the moist sand, we weren’t shy to be touching close together. When our laughter died down we drifted into one of those magical moments you only see on t.v.
We stared in each other’s eyes for seconds which felt like pleasant hours, before our lips melted together in another loving, passionate kiss. It was as if all my senses went into full focus on the warmth of his love and the world just simply disappeared around us, we were oblivious to anything and everything… I could feel the love in him, in every smell, touch, sound and taste of Justin, I could sense nothing but undying love…
“Uuuuuuhm, guys, *cough* uh, really, uh, I – I – I kinda got the beers… QUIT IT ALREADY I’M BACK!!!” Jamie wasn’t getting much response out of us until he broke into his yelling which made us both jerk apart from the sudden fright…
Jamie couldn’t help but giggle uncontrollably at our reaction, which yet again let Justin and myself into that roaring fit of laughter (which got us in this mess in the first place!). Would we ever grow up? Justin sat tightly up against me in the hole, Jamie opposite us…
“So Jamie, why aren’t you with your girlfriend?” Justin sounded friendly and honest enough, but I was also actually wondering, because he was spending the whole day with us – something he hasn’t actually bothered to do since he met Chantelle…
“Naw, Chantelle and her friend have gone away for the day, so ya, I’m kinda bored. You guys don’t mind do you?” There was a look in Jamie’s eyes that told me he wasn’t telling the whole truth – I knew Jamie very well. Blood brother or not – he has a look that I knew how to read, and I read him well. I think he sensed it because he saw my eyes narrow, and he looked down and shifted uncomfortably after that.
But in light of our fun day I decided to let it hang for now and enjoy the rest of our day, so I quickly changed the subject and we just continued to chill and talk about school and other boring old things, opening more and more of our different lives to each other.
“YELP!” Three voices screamed from a distant spot on the beach as a blue and white umbrella sort of rose, and three teenage boys emerged, very suddenly, out of nowhere!
“Awww crock of shit! Didn’t think the tides would come in!” We had been washed out of our fort, and it was now just a muddy pool of water… and then another wave, and another, and yet another… We just kinda stared as our day’s work turned into nothing, but the usual old beach again, although there was still a nice big hole of some sort for a quite a while still…
Then came the next naughty streak – Justin grabbed me and plunged me into the very wet hole of water, when suddenly – unexpectedly – Jamie gave him a helping push right in after me! Jamie loves the water so he needed no push to join us and soon we were all three shuffling in the muddy shrinking hole of water, laughing and dunking. Then it was time to head in the ocean itself.
Justin and Jamie each grabbed a boogie board and ran into the water. I just followed behind but stopped after a short bit. Justin stopped and ran back to me “Babe aren’t you coming?”
“You numb-nut! I don’t have a boogie board!” I started giggling… - “I don’t like going in that deep, and you tow shouldn’t either. I’ll just stay here and catch you when you come flying back, okay my angel?”
“You bet!” Justin’s enthusiasm was followed by another big kiss, and I was loving the freedom of expression, although there was never more than 5 people on the beach at any one time, they were all so self involved I don’t think they would have noticed anyway – or even cared. I think Justin liked the thought of something waiting for him when he gets back from his fun – even if it’s just a short ride out on the waves. And I can tell you it made my heart warm inside as well to be waiting for a gorgeous blonde to wash out into my arms!
Justin and Jamie were practically addicted to this whole thing, and just went back in over and over again, but me not moving around too much in the water I was starting to get bored and cold, so I told Justin on his last trip in that I was headed back to the beach.
“Jasey, I can go with if you want? Or you can go in with me once and we can see how that works?” *naughty giggle*
That’s one thing about Justin, he giggled as much as a little school girl – just like me! I love giggling for stupid things, so I giggled with him… “Jus, it’s kewl you sexy boy, I wanna watch you from the beach, and then you can also keep Jamie as happy as he is now – you guys make a great team – I might just get jealous!”
That remark was followed by a playful slap on the butt by Justin “You naughty boy! Don’t ever say that – or I’ll have to give you a real good spanking!” *more giggles*
“Oooooooooh kinky are we!?” We both burst out laughing, until Jamie kinda tried to drag Justin back out – we sort of got so lost in our laughing fit we forgot what we were doing.
I struggled back onto the warm beach sand and just sat there watching Jamie and Justin playing in the water. It was always enriching to my soul to just sit there, and watch the boy of my dreams, and then pinch myself and realize – it’s all real, my life right now is real! I couldn’t believe how wonderful it was to see him there, in living flesh, and how far we have come in just such a short space of time…
My thoughts wondered back to the past as well… Something I do often when I am reflecting – thinking about the past gone wrong, and often it is not so good. Although I am finally beginning to grasp my future in my own hands, I am slowly realizing why the past can’t be changed.
Clark still played a lot on my mind, but I locked out the thoughts a lot to stop myself from getting hurt. After all I already had what I wanted. I suddenly felt like I was not ready to let Clark back in my life. In my heart I knew well enough that he belonged in my life in some way or another, but Justin was the owner of my heart, Clark would have to answer to him.
I thought a little about my own father as well. I was going to see my dad in February, and I never know what to expect when my dad comes back, especially now that Justin is around. My dad doesn’t know the truth yet, so it’s going to be a tough month.
Then I thought of myself, and how I changed, in just this 10 day vacation. I came to Sedgefield, alone in my soul, and in reality. I spent many sunsets alone, walking on the beach, often crying when reflecting on my life.
Then mid-way through my vacation things changed. A little. Being alone suddenly felt different. I began feeling like I would be able to control more of my own fate than I imagined. The ocean, the peace, was beginning to mend my soul… Then a miracle happened.
Justin came stumbling out on the beach… And I – me – Jason of all people was there, to wait for him, to help him… Someone needed me, and he didn’t even know me.
Now I am a whole new guy. I am happy, I have reached my full potential. I can now be there for the world. I know, somewhere, sometimes things have to go wrong. But I know that I will never face it alone again. Justin not only brought me and my soul together, he brought us all together, my whole family, in a strange way.
I was going so deep into my thoughts, but I was definitely smiling when I came out of them, obviously this was when Jamie and Justin had finally decided that they had had enough waves (I hope!).
Justin didn’t even bother to spread his own towel, no the bastard just dropped his wet ass next to me, which I appropriately followed with a MAJOR AND ALMOST EARTH SHATTERING SHRIEK!!!!!!! “You are COLD Justin! AAAAAAH!!!” But he just giggled and pulled his arm around me!
“Keep me warm then babes *giggle* Come on, just a few minutes and you’ll be all warm again!”
Right – my facial expression was white, I was so cold, but how could I be angry? Especially after he smacked another kiss on my face… And after a few seconds I began to realize Jamie was also now throwing another fit over two boys groping each other – the smirk on my face was huge – but evil! *grin*
After pretty much spending most of our day on the beach, Justin, Jamie and I headed back to the chalet to get cleaned up and into warm clothes, we were starting to get cold with the cool breeze which suddenly decided to come in. Jamie was still full of energy though, which was hardly surprising, but after a draining day like we had today I did sort of expect a little less from him. There was something about Jamie today…
Justin and I were once again parked on the couch, underneath a warm blanket, tightly cuddling while watching yet another romantic comedy… Did I ever tell you? It’s my favourite kind of movie, because normally it’s about people finding their soul mates… and now that I have found mine- I can’t think of a better reason to want to watch them!
However feeling his warm body and calm breathing so close to me just brought such a warmth in my heart, and it was hard to keep my eyes open… the more I breathed, the more I lived, the more time that went by, the deeper I fell in love with him, the happier I was that I could snuggle in under his arm and we can share our everlasting love…
I drifted off to sleep… and woke up several hours later – Justin and I sort of folded over each other on the couch cuddling tightly – it was about 10pm and Justin was still fast asleep. My mom and stepfather were doing the same thing they ALWAYS do, sitting on the porch chatting quietly… The atmosphere was so calm, excepting for the action flick Jamie was now watching… But Justin was undisturbed by it, he slept tightly as I crawled out from under him, and he shifted into a more comfy lying down position on the couch…
I got myself a glass of water and by the time I was done with it I noticed the credits rolling down the screen of the tv.
I went into my bedroom and lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling for a few moments. Jamie walked into the room and did exactly what I did, except with a trademark sigh of his when something was bugging him.
Jamie and I had the chance to talk, and we did. Jamie and I always talk ever now and then, and he tells me everything and to tell you the truth, I have felt the closest brotherly bond with Jamie, closer than with either of my real brothers. Jamie could talk to me and he knew it. Sometimes I guess I don’t listen well enough, but we are pretty close.
I think Jamie really liked the girl he met here, and we wasn’t very happy that we would be going home soon. I can understand how he feels, because I know that feeling of leaving when you really don’t want to. Yet there really was nothing me or anyone else could do. Life just has a way of doing this – people come in and out.
All I could tell Jamie was that sometimes it never gets easier – dealing with people coming in and out of your life… but then again thinking that made me realize I have the same problem. I can’t deal with people coming in and out of my life either. I don’t think I have to though. Not anymore. Life is about letting go… And I know I have to listen to myself on that, but sometimes it’s so much easier said than done.
Yet telling Jamie all this wouldn’t really be that new to him. For a kid his age he’s had some rough shit to deal with. He was adopted at birth, and his first mom died when he was about 4 years old. I am not sure of the exact age. Then Jannie met a new wife – Jamie’s second ‘mom’ – but she treated him so badly, she was the typical ‘evil stepmother’ character. When Jannie had left this woman and met my mom – my mom became his third mother – if you include his biological mother it’s his fourth mom. How can that feel? In between it all he has shifted homes between us and his grandparents, and I guess that a lot of baggage must have built up inside. He hasn’t had anywhere to put all that.
When Jannie first moved in with us I hated him. I hated Jannie with a passion. And because of that, I hated Jamie. I hated Jamie when he started calling my mom ‘mom’. I couldn’t stand it… Now it’s different. I am not quite sure how or what changed but now we’re so extremely close, and I think closer than anyone else in the family perhaps, maybe except the bond Jamie has with his dad.
That’s why Justin was so perfect. Justin knew how to connect with Jamie on all the levels I couldn’t. Justin knew how to be Jamie’s best friend. I was his brother and Justin was his best friend. Justin wasn’t like my friends, as in sort of separated from Jamie. Jamie could join me and my friends sometimes for a while, but I guess it just hasn’t seemed right after a while. Justin invited him right into his life – Justin just was perfect in my life, he fitted in with every single aspect of it as if he was always designed to have been there.
But did I fit into Justin’s life? I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure how well Allison liked me, I didn’t know if I’d ever get through to his mom. Yet I felt that I could. Now that I was complete I just wanted to help Justin complete his life. I felt guilty. Guilty that I was happy… But then again Justin WAS happy. I knew he was.
I think that Jamie’s life has made him extremely turmoiled inside, yet strong. Pain maikes people stronger. And I think he was much stronger than any of us really cared to admit. All of us had our difficult lives, and we all become new people from it.
By the time Jamie had fallen asleep I was out of my ‘daydream’ state, my mother and Jannie had gone off to bed. I could now head for bed myself, but not without my teddy bear! Instead of dragging my Angel to my bed, I just took my pillows and snuggled up to Justin on the couch. It was very comfortable and that’s how I fell asleep…
How Justin slept all the way through I’ll never know, but he was peaceful… An Angel…
As always, waking up was a wonderful experience, Justin was still peacefully in my arms… the chalet was completely quiet inside. Not long after my eyes had managed to draw themselves open, and just after I was starting to feel just a bit uncomfortable the beautiful boy in my arms wiggled himself around… and before I knew it there was another warm loving kiss on my lips.
“Mornin babe” Justin said in a tired, yet hushed and loving voice.
As always that mixed with those amazing blue eyes just made me melt right there. “Morning Jus… You know you slept like a rock babe – you feeling okay up there?” *giggle*
“Nah ah, I think I am love sick Doc!” He was smiling so sweetly that I couldn’t resist it, I Just HAD to kiss him again!
“Well then mister patient, I hope that kiss makes you feel even more love sick, cuz I ain’t neva gonna stop lovin’ you babe!”
As usual, we had our normal morning routine, and then we charged the kitchenette for some snacks – until I saw the little note on the window…
Jason and Justin
We have gone to George (A small city nearby, basically the CBD of the area) again for the day and I didn’t want to wake the two of you up. We aren’t doing anything out of the ordinary – mostly making sure that the car is all ready for tomorrow’s journey. There is some money next to my bed, you and Justin can buy yourselves some lunch with it if you want. We will be back by late afternoon only – so call us if you need us I have my cellphone with me.
Don’t forget to enjoy your last day boys!
Love, Mom!
What happened next should have been kind of vague, because it was really weird! We just kinda went into a fit of excitement, laughter and extreme happiness!!! WE WERE HOME ALONE!!! An entire day to ourselves… I thought this was the best way to enjoy the last day here in Sedgefield. We would have to leave REALLY early tomorrow morning.
“So babe, what are we gonna do today?” That was Justin, still excited and out of breath like a little school boy, after all our running around and child-like ‘wrestling’ all over the chalet.
“Well, hmm, I don’t know. I think we can take a walk into town, just sort of get a good-bye feel of the town, then after that have some lunch down town as well. Then we can go to the beach and I dunno, yeah, take photo’s and things. There is a cool movie coming on today too. We can watch that till my mom gets home, and then, umm, I have a special surprise…”
We went according to plan and took our long walk into town. The nice thing about Sedgefield is that it is a big enough town in terms of housing, because there are many people that have holiday homes here, but not that many people are actually in them right now, so it’s quiet. There were many beautiful homes, and also at one point a nice high-point view over the ocean, and I loved that. It was a fairly hilly town, so the walk soon became somewhat exhausting, yet it was peaceful and fun walking with the love of my life in arm… We walked slowly past the lagoon till we made it into town. Now it was time to pick a suitable place to have lunch. We settled upon a small little restaurant called Route 66, and enjoyed quite a yummy lunch.
This was our little romantic dinner, and also kind of our first date. The time spent together was peaceful and almost surreal in a movie type of sense. We had someone take our picture here and there, in front of some shops as well. We bought a couple of small curio gifts, and headed back for home. Upon passing the lagoon we stopped someone to take our picture there as well. It was a fairly pretty place, but I just really loved the tranquility.
At one stage we went into the whole groping and kissing thing while we were still making tracks back home, and I think really shocked a car full of teenagers that passed us by, but they caused us no trouble… Until the car stopped.
And I don’t mean stopped. I mean it screetched to a standstill, the tires yelping from the strain on the tar as the car drew to it’s standstill. At the moment we both froze and slowly pulled away and looked at the car, as a girl from the back seat of the car, sitting in the middle struggled her way till she was hanging out the window, and just as we were waiting to be degraded, cursed and bashed, she yelled: “You go boys!!! Show these sissies in here what life should be!!!” That followed by cheers and yells in the car as she dropped back inside – then I saw the other blond chick inside the car lock lips with her, and (overcome with relief!) I couldn’t help but giggle, and give Justin another big kiss as they spun off, hooting for expression!
We carried on with our day according to its loose planning, grabbing the video camera and digital camera and headed for the beach. We filmed each other and took gazillions of photo’s everywhere we could possibly think it mattered… But it didn’t take us long to get exhausted from the sun. We headed back to the chalet, and settled in for another movie, a comedy this time, called “Nurse Betty”.
It was a cute movie, but not really cutely cute. I had more fun cuddling with Justin, and enjoying the freedom of our time together alone than I bothered concentrating on the movie.
Not long after the movie finished the rest of the family returned home, all looking exhausted and slightly irritated even after a long busy day. There was something wrong with the car after all that needed to be repaired and Jannie was quite fowl and grunting because of the unexpected expense of having to repair the car, but generally the mood was okay.
Justin and I dug into a ‘little’ snack before embarking on our late afternoon walk on the beach.
The really great thing about being in love is being able to be close to someone all the time. For me that is. I get to share my life, my thoughts, my fears, my moments and my dreams with Justin, and not be afraid that it’s all being shared with someone who doesn’t care. I know he listens and appreciates me just as I listen and appreciate him. We’re always touching. No matter what, we’re always as close as we can be, and I think if we got any closer, we would be Siamese twins.
But there is more to all of it than just being close to Justin, just touching him It’s about being able to open myself up to him on all levels, basically making myself and my life vulnerable to make US stronger. It’s no longer Jason. It’s no longer Justin. It’s always going to be Jason and Justin now. We’ll always be together, if not in person then in spirit.
Enough babbling, our snack was pretty good, and the walk to the beach was full of playfulness. Jamie was spending his last day with his ‘holiday girlfriend’ – I guess they patched things up and it was important for all of us to say goodbye to Sedgefield and the small life we sort of created while being on holiday here. Justin and I would definitely come back here, because this is where our lives changed, and our love was born.
We trudged onto the beach, and began walking westwards, as the sun began to near the horizon… We walked slowly, cuddling tightly together. One or two pairs of people passed us – not always couples, but all older people, and I could sense their eyes follow us for a short while, but I guess it’s becoming easier to show gay affection in some places.
As we neared the peninsula of rocks I suddenly became nervous… “Justin, there’s some guys there, do you think we should walk – I dunno – apart?”
“What baby? No! I love you, and I’m not going to hide it, even if showing it means we’re going to have to face a little trouble, don’t worry, I’ll fight them off while you run, and then I’ll run after you okay? IF anything happens. Just be ourselves okay? It’s OUR last day, and we have to live it our way, because that is who we are, together baby…”
Geez… wise words – maybe Justin is lying about his age? *giggle* No no, just joking. “Yeah, ok, you’re right. I’ll fight them too. I’ll, ummmmmm, throw them with sand! Hehehe!”
With that we kinda giggled and quietly continued until we were walking past the boys, and I could hear their noise die down for a little while. They didn’t move on us, they didn’t shout at us, nothing bad. So I relaxed, for now, and we continued walking, till we were other side the peninsula, and I led Justin to a bench that was on a pathway leading up the side of the peninsula, surrounded by shrubs.
“This is one of my favourite spots, but it’s still not the best yet. I have another place, but for now, I want you to enjoy it here, because I sat here for my first few days wondering where my ‘Justin’ was in the world… little knowing you were just up the road from me… Now that I have found you close to my heart my life is renewed, and it is complete. We are together and I honestly feel that we will always be together, ready to face the world as a team. I love you with all I have inside of me Jus, and I want you to know that. The beauty of the ocean and the sunset and nature around us can’t even nearly begin to express the beauty that you bring to my life, in your physical and emotional being you are a palace to me, a painting, a dream and a song to me. My soul dances to your name, my heart beats faster to your eyes, my breathing flows in your dreams… My life lives in your palace, as you live in mine.”
“Jay, I love you! I knew that when we drove into Sedgefield that there was something special about this place, and it was you. I know I have found you when I needed you most. To probe to myself my true self, and that my life needs you. I need you. I need you to keep me going, to keep me smiling and make me happy. I love you with all I can love you, every ounce of my being. Gosh, I’m getting so soppy! But you’re right, we will make it together! Always!”
We just cuddled tightly and watched as the sun set on the ocean’s horizon, just like in the movies. It was a beautiful spot, the look out on the ocean, then beach and sand all around us, leading to the ocean on the one side and the lagoon on the other end. As soon as the last rays of light disappeared on the horizon I dragged Justin to the peninsula. It’s an easily climbable rock, and eventually I managed to get him and myself to the top – kind of like sitting on pride rock – from ‘The Lion King’ you know…
Time was slightly little, because it would soon be darkish and the tide was also going to start moving in soon as well. We were barely up there when I looked at Justin – hopefully with a look that expressed as much love as I felt at that moment.
“Jus, now it’s time for the surprise. Okay well it’s not much, but I hope in some way or other it will mean something.” I pulled a bottle with a piece of paper stashed in it from a convenient hiding place in the ceiling of the rocks (there was a sort of ‘open cave’ on top of the peninsula) and handed the bottle to Justin.
“I wrote this two days after we arrived in Sedgefield. I wanted to give this to you today…”
I watched as Justin carefully opened the bottle and fiddled with his finger to get the rolled up letter from the bottle. He slowly opened it up and began to read:
To the one I love…
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know where you are. Sometimes my heart questions whether you really even exist, but there is always a part of me that never stops believing.
It may never be you reading this, it may be someone else, but at least my love, whether experienced by someone or not, was known to at least one person in the world.
My heart can only love. My heart yearns to hold you, your faceless body. I don’t know how to describe how I know I love you... But I know that out there somewhere you exist. I don’t know how you look, how you sound, how you smile or cry. I don’t know your life nor your friends. I don’t know if your heart is pure or tainted. Yet I know that if you love me, it’s all I need to love you, till the day I die.
To whoever reads this – let it be known that my heart has loved – even if it hasn’t.
To my lover, whoever you are, wherever you are, my life is in dedication of yours, my soul a symphony of our love.
I love you.
Jason
Justin looked at me with a sweet smile creeping on his face. For a moment I really wanted to run, feeling ready to be embarrassed. But Justin’s gaze kept me hypnotized. Damn those amazing beautiful blue eyes!
“Jay, I love you. What can I say? I’m overwhelmed. All I know is that despite the fact that we both still have a long way to go, there is a lot that I’m sure of and I know I can say now, even if it’s not all to its best potential yet. All you need to know is that my life is yours. All of it, every second of every minute of every hour of every single day. I love you.”
“I love you too, with all my heart and soul…”
We shared a special moment after that, a sort of breathtaking one. My letter was an expression of how much love I yearned to share with someone out there, and having had the chance to give it to Justin just days after I wrote it – thinking it would never be read or appreciated – was great.
Unfortunately, after a lot of quite reflection, lots of tender hugs and passionate kisses, my logical mind kicked in. “Jus, uhm, let’s get going, at least till we’re back on the ground and on the other side of the peninsula, the tide is coming in and it’s going to trap us – I don’t feel like walking the LONG way home…”
With that we departed from the beautiful place we were enjoying together. The look over the ocean, it was a good-bye scene for us both, because we wouldn’t see it like this again, not for a long time. We walked tightly in each other’s arms, until we were closer to home, then we just settled down together on the soft beach sand, and stared over the ocean as the world became dark around us.
From the side two of the boys we walked past approached us – they must be around our age too. At first I wanted to run, but I just sat coldly against Justin, praying that no trouble was brewing for us on this our last few special hours in Sedgefield.
“Uuuh, hi there guys – I’m Byron and this is Chris… Like uh how you okes doing?” Byron was actually really nervous, but yeah, he didn’t seem malicious as I had initially feared, so my defenses were let down.
“Hey guys, I’m Justin, and this here is Jason – my boyfriend – we’re cool man just chilling and stuff, what’s up?” I couldn’t resist, I don’t know why but I just couldn’t control myself and I just let loose:
“Yeah, what do you guys want? It’s not every day that straight guys walk right up to an obviously gay couple, to make friends!”
Chris quickly stepped in to interrupt me. “No no man dude, chill! We just want to kinda like as you some stuff. My brother is gay man, and my parents kicked him outta the house. I just wanna ask you some stuff kay?”
He sounded sincere, and I couldn’t really see his face because it was quite dark already. But I just sighed and gave the okay, and they settled down in front of us.
“Well, like we actually gotta go soon, but we just wanted to ask something simple. Stupid maybe even. But why are you gay? And like, doesn’t it scare you? Isn’t it just easier to dig chicks?”
I actually love this kind of stuff, answering these types of questions, so I started off immediately. “We’re gay because we are born this way. Trust me it’s not something we choose, that’s why we don’t dig chicks, because we can’t choose who or what we like. Justin is proof enough that it can’t happen. Up until a few weeks ago he had a girlfriend, and it doesn’t matter how hard he tried, what’s inside of him wouldn’t change. It’s really hard to explain sometimes, but we just like guys, and it’s not just about sex. It’s also emotional. I guess we just need something different from what you guys might need. That is why we like guys. As for being scared, yeah, I’m scared sometimes, but we took a chance. We can’t or don’t want to live in hiding, because it IS our own lives and we have to express ourselves and live it. The point is just that we can’t change who we are so we might as well embrace it, and make the best of it. Part of that is being able to show the world that I love Justin with all my heart. If other people don’t like it, well tough shit for them, it’s their problem not mine. I don’t care what they think. As long as I can run fast enough when someone wants to beat me up I’m happy!”
For a moment there was a kind of almost awkward silence, I think I really spoke too fast. Then a soft “Oh” from Byron, and that followed by Chris putting his arm around Byron. Not in a gay way, just kind of a manly comfort sort of hug, as Chris told Byron that it’s all okay.
“I kinda beat up a gay dude once in school… I started worrying about it – and now you guys just confirmed what I was beginning to be afraid of. He really couldn’t help the way he was. I’m sorry…” Byron trailed off softly.
Chris picked up the moment startling us all “Shit man! We gotta go! Guys, I hope I see you around here, but we’re sorry if we scared ya. I just wanted to know, and there is still quite a lot I wanna know but my mom is waiting for us.” Chris dragged Byron off the ground and they started walking away.
I wanted to tell them we’re leaving but basically just managed to utter a goodbye to them before realizing we probably needed to get going ourselves – we still needed to get cleaned up and packed, we’d be leaving very early in the morning.
And with that we got up and headed for the chalet = I glanced at the beach one last time and gave Justin a deep kiss. It was a kiss that carried over exactly how I felt, the emotion I felt of leaving the place where we discovered our love.
Getting back to the chalet we had dinner and got cleaned up before embarking on mission pack-up, leaving nothing but the bare essentials out for the next morning. Then Justin, Jamie and I (the three J’s, hehe) carried all the bags downstairs and loaded it in the trailer – making sure that there would be minimal loading work to be done in the morning.
The last part of our day was rather simple, or rather our evening, it was just simply SLIPPING INTO BED! Tomorrow morning early we would head back up to Joburg, and though I didn’t always look forward to LONG LONG trips, I knew it would be a great one either way with Justin.
Jamie had decided to sleep in the living room again so we had the bedroom all to ourselves again. Don’t you readers go thinking funny, because it was romantic, not funny!
I slipped in by the door and then tugged Justin by his collar, and looked lovingly in his eyes, as I whispered gently “Justin, I love you!”
No more words were needed, I just flew into him and started kissing him wildly, with furious passion, although he did try and say he also loves me, between all the wild kissing – he didn’t really have a chance to get it through so clearly – but I knew what he meant!
Our hands roamed our bodies, and between all the passionate love making I would take the odd opportunity to just get lost in those beautiful eyes again. God those eyes… The most beautiful set of blue eyes in the world – I truly felt hypnotized by them… We tripped over the bed. Eh.
*knock knock knock* (more like BANG BANG BANG but we won’t say that in front of the parents eh) “Boys! Wake up! We’re leaving in 15 minutes, if you’re not in the car YOU’RE STAYING BEHIND!” As if that was really such a bad thing?
“Yea yeah mom, we’re *yawn* we’re up, I think…” I was so groggy and fully intentional of ignoring her and going back to sleep. But old Justin glanced down into the covers and started giggling uncontrollably.
“Uhhuh! Yep Jay, we’re UP allright! Come on angel, we gotta hurry!”
I gave him a kiss, and yeah well, did what I didn’t want to do, got out of the warm snuggly bed, muttering cursing words about morning people as I slipped into my clothes for the day. Justin followed suit and was pretty soon ahead of me already, I was probably not even halfway dressed when he was already out the door and in the bathroom.
After doing everything we needed to do we did one last take to make sure we had all our belongings, and moved on sadly to the porch as my mother locked up the doors to the chalet.
“You know mom, I’m going to miss it here. We must definitely come back okay?” I was really sad, but also excited in a way, actually, I’m not really sure WHAT I was feeling at that time.
My mom just looked at me with a half smile, and then we walked down the stairs to the idling car with Jannie and Jamie inside waiting for us so we could get going. I decided to sit in the middle at the back, with Jamie to my right and Justin on my left. I wanted to be close to Justin so that I could snuggle up and carry on sleeping.
Of course no trip would be the same if we didn’t have our video camera on hand to record our memories of the journey back home, and well yeah, playing with gadgets is of course what us teens do best! There was ample footage of me sleeping, and later on (when I had woken up) lots of recording of the breathtaking mountain passes, and as always, it felt absolutely amazing to share moments and experiences like these with Justin.
We drove for several hours until we made it to a smallish but not TOO small town called Beaufort West, and decided to have some breakfast at the Wimpy there. We saw the Wimpy sign, but with Jannie’s appalling navigational skills we drove quite a bit including going round a circle twice before he managed to get the correct turn-off. I was too busy cuddling with Justin to focus where we were going – usually I would just help navigate Jannie.
After we finally stopped, we all piled out of the car to stretch our legs. The air was still quite cool outside, the light only now really beginning to show itself, and we walked into the Wimpy, albeit not without being bombarded by girls trying to force tourist pamphlets down our throats!
I really hated that they were doing that, because we were now ex-holiday makers on our way home… how sad!
We all bundled into the Wimpy, my mind still greatly occupied when suddenly I felt Justin freeze, and as I jolted my head to him his eyes were BLACK with fear. Slowly I turned my head in the direction that he was staring, hearing my family’s noise also suddenly go quiet, and locked my eyes onto them, Allison, Melissa, and Justin’s mother having breakfast there as well.
When they noticed us they just stared back, in the same kind of bleak, unfriendly expression. The atmosphere was CONCRETE thick, even the other people in the Wimpy could feel it. A waitress quickly tried to break some ice, noticing the tension. She enquired whether we wanted to be seated in the smoking section, and much to her relief, we did – as it was right on the other end of the Wimpy and in a closed off section.
I held Justin’s hand tightly and asked him “Jus – are you okay babe?” Dumb question at a time like this, I know, but that’s the kind of question you have to ask when you want them to describe how they feel without sounding like Dr. Phil.
He looked at me with colour slowly and ever so slightly returning to his eyes, but barely. “No Jay… I dunno. I wasn’t expecting this.”
My mom looked at us then at Jannie: “Honey, I don’t know if this is such a good idea? Perhaps we should just have breakfast some place else?”
Jannie was about to respond when Justin interrupted him. “No please don’t guys. I know this sucks, but I’ll be okay, I promise. I’m around you guys, so let’s just enjoy a great breakfast together. I have Allison on my side, and I know we’ll be okay.”
We didn’t argue, we just tried our best to loosen up the atmosphere, and as it goes in our family, before you knew it, we were the loudest table in the Wimpy, laughing and joking around. I noticed some glances from Justin’s mom (I could see them from my seat) and I know they must have been getting furious because we were HAPPY, and they could here it right to where they were sitting.
Them being at the Wimpy was definitely an ugly surprise, but evidently not one we couldn’t deal with. Justin and I got up together to go the bathrooms, Justin still had all of this lingering in the back of his mind, but he was definitely looking way better than he did earlier on. As we came out of the bathrooms Melissa was there waiting on us.
She gave me one dirty look, then turned to stare at Justin. “YOU… Don’t you DARE get too comfortable in your happy little life. I’ll get you back – I’ll destroy your WHOLE life, no matter WHERE you run to. Your life is OVER Justin.”
She looked at us with a murderous hatred in her eyes, turned around, and walked out the door towards the car.
But halfway to the car she spun around as Justin and I stepped outside for some fresh air to calm the nerves. We didn’t think she was going to turn around, and the next thing I knew was Melissa was storming in our direction with a determined rage written on her face… The next thing I saw without even having time to register was an unusually powerful fist *WHACK!!!!*
That’s it for Ch. 3 folks! I hope it was enjoyable!
Now that the holiday has come to an end, and yet more drama is unfolding, what will happen next?
Time constraints and some other shit is hampering my writing efforts, but I am definitely continuing with this story – so feedback is always welcome at thap@ananzi.co.za
To the guys that have emailed me so far, thanks so much. John H, Joe M, Sa SJ, “Mike” (great guy you are for my ego!), Shawn, Francois (My fellow safrican friend), Bobby and TJ! Thanks a lot, all of you had a lot of encouragement and I got a warm feeling from reading your mails!
Also, a special thank you to Steve, who introduced “Mike” to nifty. My deepest condolences to you “Mike”, I hope that “Andrew” is in a better and happier place. It’s great to hear that you guys are devoting time and effort to people like “Andrew”, and I think I speak for everyone when I say our hearts go out to those in suffering, particularly from HIV. “Mike” and co, you guys are an inspiration!
Lots of Love
Jason