When I Can't Find You 4
WHEN I CAN’T FIND YOU
Ch.4
this is a story about boys who fall in love. If this is offensive to you, use your back button or go away. All rights reserved.
Preface:
FINALLY another chapter is born! (And submitted)
It’s just after 5am, I woke up and had something to drink, decided to check for messages and with that decided to do the preface and send off this chapter before I get back into bed.
And yet, I don’t really know what to say in my little soap box. I’m so like *whatever* about everything in the world these days. Actually – I do have a question to pose to you guys. Are there any of you out there who have for a long time been battling to get over someone, and after a long time thought you did but still find (even years down the line) that 1 reminder, 1 word about or from that person, sets you back and you realize you’re not actually over them?
I’ve been battling with an issue like that for over two years now – and for two people at the same time. One of the two people I ended up remaining friends with – but a very messed up and draining friendship that is dying a slow and pointless death. I see him about once a month now if even, and I find the longer that I don’t see him – the more I think about him. Even dream about him.
The other guy – well – lets just say I have tried over and over again to distance myself from those issues but no matter how long it’s been or how hard I try, just hearing someone talk about him can bring on feelings of anxiousness and that sticks with me for a while afterwards. Usually the next time I go partying after that reminder – I end up crying at least once when I’m alone.
The funny thing about it all is that I am totally fine – like right now. I am happy with my life, things are going pretty well for me personally, I’m not a sad person or anything. Yet I know – one stupid thing can make a painful impact on me. I’ve done just about everything I can think of, have ever read, or heard from other people – to REALLY get over this – but I don’t really see it happening no matter what I do or how sure I am that I am fine.
Am I alone? Does anyone out there actually know of a miracle cure? It would be interesting to find out…
Anyway, I’m afraid this chapter is not as long as the last two, but it should be worth reading anyway! I never wrote those exams, and I’ve had a lot of time to kill in the past few months, but I spent most of that time contemplating my future rather than doing anything constructive. I’m back on track though so hopefully with the busier lifestyle I’ll be more motivated to work on this story again at a faster pace. I can’t wait to start implementing new ideas and directions – but it’s not quite time for that yet!
One last question is whether there’s any of you out there that have any ideas, issues, passions or requests for the story and/or the preface in the future to distant future please drop me a line I would love to hear from you!
I feel more and more like there’s a little community out there and it would be cool to be able to share in other’s experiences in life – great, or horrific – I think it’s important to share life experiences and to grow from what others have to say. All the same I also believe that I have reached the point of boring bla bla bla! Here’s chapter four!
WHEN I CAN’T FIND YOU: CHAPTER 4
New Horizons
*WHACK*
It soon registered to me that Mellissa’s fist had connected with Justin’s face, all of it happening so very quickly, yet at the same time it was as if it was in slow motion. It was the strangest thing for me to see her fist smacking into Justin’s face, and I was having trouble fully grasping the fact of what just happened. I have never actually seen a fight in real life, not quite like this, and I’m sure my mind was wondering where the sound effects were that you get from the t.v. Not only that, but the whole scenario was just so unexpected I couldn’t believe what was happening before my eyes at all.
I was becoming oblivious to the greater amount of my surroundings, almost as if I had sunk into a couch and was focused squarely on the small viewing angle of a camera in a t.v. scene. I was standing there, frozen in the moment as Melissa screeched to Justin “You stupid disgusting fucked up waste of faggot ass shit, I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!”
(Jerry Springer would have had a field day!)
Something new emerged from deep within myself, a feeling I don’t ever recall having existed or felt before. A new side to me was beginning to emerge, and seeing Melissa hurt the love of my life like that, so harshly and so directly, was exactly the trigger that brought it out of me. Now to be honest I am not the fighting type of guy, but honestly watching that bitch’s fist connect to my lovers face and feeling his pain as those harsh words came out at him for the world to hear... It was just, well, quite frankly, TOO MUCH and I had LOST IT!
Without thinking even for a millisecond I lunged myself at her, first grabbing at her hair and yanking it to swing her around and away from Justin before grabbing at her neck, throttling her a little bit backwards and yet again lurching myself in her direction to swing a fist at her. I was just about to hit her when something took over inside of me and I opened my hand and slapped her across the face flat-handed.
That would have been the only bit of miraculous self control I had, or divine intervention maybe, because after that I went with the insults myself, undoubtedly Jerry Springer’s producers would have been beaming with pride! It was seconds later, yet I somehow managed to pack an Oxford Dictionary’s worth of swear words in those seconds, before the adrenalin caught up with me and both myself and Melissa stood there with deadly glares, totally breathless from the shock.
Both of us stood still, still ready to defend ourselves at any second should our opponent decide to take another go, continuing the locked glare in each other’s eyes. It was one of those moments where you completely become oblivious to the world around you, it all dissipates into this black nothingness and all your senses know and are focused on is the threat standing before you, ready to react at any given moment to danger.
Justin himself was either way too shocked, or upset, or probably both, to truly grasp what was happening around him, and I was just as oblivious to the fact that both my mother and Justin’s mother were running towards us from the Wimpy, not really knowing what was happening but knowing there was trouble.
I don’t know what it was, but something just told everyone to back away and be an audience to the situation for a while, not quite yet the time to move in and pull us apart.
My glare was fixated deeply on Melissa’s eyes. I was still breathing fast and heavy like an angry bull. I cocked my head slightly to the left and said: “Now you listen to me and you listen properly you bitch. If you ever, and I do mean EVER, lay but so much as just another TOUCH of a finger on Justin I swear, I – WILL – KILL – YOU! I will rip your spine and guts right through your mouth and I will shove it up your fucking arse, so everyone in this world can see you for the spineless whore you really are! You stay the fuck away from Justin, from me, and from my family, do you hear me? (About 3 seconds of silence passed, no change in Melissa’s expression.) IF you don’t I will make it my life’s purpose to destroy any tiny bit of happiness you ever hope to have, in exactly the same way and worse than you are trying to destroy mine. There is just one thing you need to know here – you WILL lose. You know NOTHING about me, I know EVERYTHING about you, and it takes just a few simple actions from me to turn your life into such a hell that you will sink to the lowest level your mind and body can possibly conceive, and you will wish you were dead!
After that I will make sure it gets worse, and that you go LOWER than your mind and body could conceive. I will DESTROY your humanity. You stay the FUCK away from Justin, me, my family, AND HIS! You are a demon and you are infecting everything that was good in Justin’s life with a sick disgusting fucking virus. Though I am sure you find some sick satisfaction and demonic pleasure in my words, don’t smile too quickly because despite the destruction you’ve caused in his life, he has found a new life and found happiness against all odds, and he is untouchable to you. (I tilted my head straight up, and moved an inch closer) You hurt Justin, then you hurt me.
And you don’t wanna do that.”
WHAT THE FUCK a little part of my mind was thinking. I had no idea where all of that came from and I was very surprised with myself that I had spoken them, not having thought about it at all however still having meant everything I said. I was still standing there with my threatening rage realizing secretly the surprise of everything I had said. Melissa just kind of stared back at me with a deadly look that communicated nothing but hatred for me. I’m sure her face must have been seconds away from cracking when her expression hardened and her eyes narrowed: “We’ll see…” That was all she said, in as dark a voice as her body could possibly emit, before turning around and heading for the car, as if nobody was watching her.
That despite an entire audience from the gas station and Wimpy that are integrated into the same premises.
I spent a few seconds glaring at her moving away before I finally softened up, turned around and grabbed Justin into my arms. The moment I touched him and felt his strong arms embrace me in both a needy and protective manner, all the shock faded and drained from me, feeling the urge in Justin’s body to comfort me and the cry of desperation from him because he needed my protection in some way just as much.
“My baby… I’m so sorry that I have brought this on to your life. I am so sorry!”
“No Justin it’s okay my Angel, I have to be honest, I have probably always wondered what a real bitch fight must be like!”
Justin could not help but to giggle a little bit at what I had said, and I had said it loud enough that a portion of my audience heard it as well.
“You have no idea my boy, you have absolutely no idea…” My mother surprised me with that, standing there with a big smirk on her face.
Underneath our smiles we all still felt the shock coursing through our veins, still a bit shaken up from the fear and tension of what just happened. My mother was also no master at hiding what she was really feeling for very long, probably where I earned that weakness from. The difference between us was that my mom probably would tell you how she felt, and that could be disasterous. After all that drama we just grouped together again, paid for the food, finished off our business and decided to hit the road again, somehow I guess feeling like traveling would ease off some of the memory.
This certainly was a unique way to finish off a holiday, but I am relieved it happened at the end rather than the beginning of the holiday. There was a heavy atmosphere traveling with us in the car, some of it probably because we knew Justin’s family was somewhere on this same busy road with us. The worse part was that none of us were particularly talented at loosening the atmosphere. Jannie, as always, took the first few attempts, but the way Jannie went about it just made things worse and probably pissed us all of a bit. He just doesn’t have it in him, and fortunately he gave up soon after.
For both Justin and myself this was a whole new feeling. A new experience as a couple, good or bad. We were bunched up on the back seat of the car, staring out the window at the passing scenery. In a strange sort of silence that is hard to describe in words, we just watched the world change around us as we headed further and further back inland. The mood was serious. We were both trying to grasp, in our own minds, how the world could have changed so quickly around us, and our lives transformed so dramatically. We now are no longer alone, but sometimes, because everything happened so quickly, it’s hard to imagine or fully grasp that we are really together. Strangely though, it’s even harder to imagine that we were ever alone.
I was replaying the scenes from earlier over and over in my mind, and thought it was uncomfortable to imagine it, there was a strange satisfaction in the fact that in all the drama of the past few days Justin and I have bonded closer and closer together. It was becoming clearer with every passing experience, positive and negative, that nothing was going to come between us. Anything could shatter us, but our pieces would still be in the same cup. We were together, no matter what.
As we drove in through another lost little town en route to Johannesburg, we drove past two guys, dressed in very colourful and way-out type of clothes. Dramatic in the way a drama queen would dress, except this wasn’t feminine and was enough to make a bushman and a drama-queen in one die of laughter. They were a mix of queen and bushman, Texan ranger and boxer all in one. That made everyone in the car burst out in a fit of laughter together… I’m almost sure those guys didn’t exist, they appeared there solely to loosen up the atmosphere in the car, because the road sure as hell went by much quicker after that! The uncomfortable atmosphere was now gone, and there were happy smiles and laughs on all our faces throughout the rest of the journey (well in our awake states).
It must have been around 9 or 10pm when our car finally stopped outside our electric gate…
As we were driving towards the city I started waking up already, so I was fully awake by the time we reached our home, and was quite excited to be able to show Justin where his new home was… but when we pulled in at our gate, the gate didn’t want to open with the remote. Jannie made a slight grunt, aimed the remote at the gate out of the car window and pushed the button again – a few times. But nothing happened.
We started piling out of the car to check what was wrong and to unlock the motor on the gate so that we could slide it open manually… except there was one slight little problem. There was no motor. It was no wonder the gate wouldn’t open!
A few obscene curses came from Jannie’s mouth as we all took in the situation, the bastards had stolen our gate’s motor! Either way we slid the gate open and Jannie pulled the car into the driveway.
We all took our oddities that we had in the car (that which we could carry in one load anyway) and made our way to the side-entrance door. My mom unlocked the door for us, and she stepped in first, followed by Jamie, Justin, myself and Jannie last. My mother dropped everything she was holding to the ground and spattered: “Oh my goodness!”
The side entrance of our house opens directly into the lounge, and what we saw when we all had entered the lounge and comprehended our surroundings was pure devastation. Things were missing, ornaments were shattered across the floor, some large furniture items were gone, and that which remained had either been covered in mess or totally ripped up and destroyed/
My mother was rapidly sinking into a state of shock, and she was starting to sob at the sight of our home. We made our way through the archway to the t.v room, where as expected, a lot of things (especially of value) had been stolen. The t.v, hifi, entertainment system, all those electonics had been taken. The kitchen had also fallen victim to the criminals, having been cleaned out of all it’s appliances and smaller glassware shattered and smashed all over the floor.
The vibe was an adrenalin-rushing, yet horrible one. I was hesitant to go into my room, fearing what I might find. Justin followed closely behind as I walked, almost treaded, towards my bedroom, and as I entered the room, a weird feeling rushed over me.
It was an absolute mess, clothes scattered all over the floor, sharing the space with CD’s and other items I had in my room. My PC, gone… My hifi, also gone. All of it. I was really devastated because my PC had so many personal things on it, my only good fortune being the fact that I backed up most of my data, and those disks were with me in my CD wallet on holiday.
However that didn’t lessen the fact that it was a disaster all around, and the sense of this disaster was bringing down a heavy feeling of anxiety on me. I don’t know how to fully explain this feeling, but it was really bad, our home had been cleaned out of valuable items as well as things of personal value. So many sentimental things had either disappeared or had mindlessly been destroyed by the selfish bastards who had broken into our house. Poor old Justin had no idea how he should react, all he could think to do was hold me close, hoping that the closeness would relax me a little.
It was obvious that whoever broke in here had figured out we were not going to be home anytime soon and had enough time to clear everything they wanted from our house.
Jannie called on a family meeting in the now tattered lounge so that we could discuss the situation. Most importantly we needed to discuss what the major insurance claims would be that we’d have to make, and which items were really important and needed instant attention. Naturally we couldn’t think of everything in one go, many things, especially smaller items, would only be missed as the situation sunk in further, but for now we had to get ourselves organized.
The most obvious things to consider were obviously the television room’s electronics, our computers, the gate motor, and kitchen appliances. However after sharing our losses and thinking a bit more we realized that a lot of things had gone missing. We’d been cleaned out. Fortunately extremely valuable things such as jewelry had been locked away in a safe and the criminals had not really bothered to try and get into it.
We did very basic tidying up around the house, and all retired to our rooms to clear things out there. When Justin and I were finally alone in my room, he grabbed me by my shoulders, but very gently, looked me in my eyes, and as always, melted me with those sky-blue eyes that gazed upon me. “Jase, I’m so sorry that your stuff is gone babe. I know this ain’t much but at least you’ve got me here now and since you’re all I have I already know that this is all that matters.” He had a hint of awkwardness in his voice because he was entering my house for the first time at the wrong time and with all the drama he had no idea how to react.
So I put my hands back onto his shoulders, Justin style, and returned that serious gaze of his. “Jus-boy, I know. *gentle smile* I love you so much! But I can’t let this shit affect you okay? The reason I’m like this right now is not just because all my stuff is gone. I wanted to bring you to a new and cozy home where you could feel at home all the time, and now, it doesn’t even feel as if we’re safe here.”
I glanced down feeling almost guilty for not only the situation, but admitting my feelings.
“Aww Jay, don’t worry about that man! I know you are worried and probably will be no matter what I say, but you know what, as surprising as this may be we’ve also been robbed like this before. It’s seriously not the end of the world, you still have some of your things, things that robbers couldn’t have bothered to take because it’s worth nothing to them, but some of this may be worth more than money to you. Just think of people who’s houses burn down. They lose absolutely every little thing they possess. Not only valuable materialistic things, they lose those little things of sentimental value, stuff that thieves like this don’t even look at.”
I had to admit the bugger had a point there. Amazingly he had yet again managed to not only be wise, but to look at the bright side as well. Clever boyfriend I have ‘ey? This guy just knows how to be positive and to get me thinking.
After all the formalities had been sorted, the case reported to the cops, and all of us done as much damage-analysis as we could, we headed for bed, drained from the long journey and all the drama that just seemed to keep coming and coming. Luckily for all of us the criminals had overlooked our beds, and we cuddled in tightly to drift off and wake to a new day.
My mom decided to wake us up about 9:30 the next morning to get some breakfast which she had gone out to buy, and urge us to get ‘our’ room tidied up along with the rest of the house so that we could start getting a detailed inventory of losses for the insurance company.
After Justin and myself had wolfed down our breakfast we went outside into the morning sun. I was glad to absorb some of the city air again, even though it held a sort of ‘gloom’ to it – after the previous night’s discovery. Of course Joburg was notorious for it’s ‘rough’ lifestyle and crime was part of the package that unfortunately everyone had to deal with at some point.
We had quite a large backyard and I had lots of little ‘corners’ or spots between the rough bushes and shrubs that grew wildly beyond the lawn in which I spent time when I needed space. They were my places of solitude and escape, the places where I could spend hours staring at nothing and building entire worlds out of my imagination.
It felt awesome being able to share these private fantasy worlds with Justin. I was a little wary though, I can only imagine that he must think I’m like a delusional little child or perhaps just downright crazy, but when things really get me down all I can say is I need to exist elsewhere – away from reality – to gather my thoughts.
It’s not so much that I totally phase out of reality, just that I can pretend the real world isn’t real – just for that short little space of time.
Justin did not quite have it the same way I did. Not that I’m surprised – I’ll admit my ‘methods’ are a little unusual for someone my age, but either way Justin was quite intrigued by my outlook on life, and the way I managed my thoughts. The way he saw things was different, at least deep down inside. Justin was never one to push himself in a corner, instead he would rather surround himself with people, and most of the time, exist within and live up to an image. Projecting an image is his way of hiding what’s going on inside. He told me that his entire life was based on that image, that idea and projection of what other people might think.
I was gasping when he let this bit of information out, totally surprised by what I heard. I sort of muttered: “Geez Justin, aren’t you scared now? Being with me challenges everything you just told me – this, us, gay – it’s all totally against ‘image’”. I looked at him questioningly…
It’s quite strange that this stroll in the back garden was actually the first time we really decided to talk about what being gay meant in our lives, and more importantly, in Justin’s life. For me it was much easier because I had always felt different, always known I was different, always at least acknowledged that I was different from everyone around me. I just didn’t know that different meant ‘gay’ and because of that – though I did have a hard time admitting I was gay to myself, it was never hard being different from everyone else. The only thing that made Justin different from his world, his surroundings and the people who surrounded him was that his ‘differences’ were his achievements. He didn’t set himself apart, instead he excelled in things that people would like to be. In his world everyone thought that the things that made Justin stand out were admirable and a ticket to be outstanding – it was mainstream and acceptable to be an achiever… Being gay – was not. Being gay was the opposite of achievement.
“Well Jase – all I really can say is that you have probably been the biggest plunge I have ever taken in my life, because for the first time, I’m trying something TOTALLY new and unfamiliar to my world – and without being too careful about it. I have gotten really sick and tired of living the life everyone else would approve of. Other people gave me this image, they expected me to be someone and all I did was try to live up to that, trying to fit in, trying not to disappoint anyone. Who am I kidding? What use is it trying to make other people happy when along the way I’m totally losing my real self and who I am. Nobody knows what is inside of me. Nobody knows what my heart has to say. When you’re so busy trying to live according to everyone else’s expectations, you forget to show them your own colours. That’s the problem these days. We’re too scared to show who we really are because we know – if we’re really honest about what is going on inside of us, then not everyone can like us. I know at least that I have you now, and I’ve realized that I don’t even want everyone to like me, all I need is you, nevermind the rest!”
I was really glad to hear that – not because I didn’t know it – but because now I could know that Justin acknowledged it to himself. Nobody can pin him down to some ‘jock stereotype’ anymore because he’s openly faced it and said to himself what he really wants out of life. I think that is why someone like Justin, could like someone like me. He can open himself up to things that not everybody might like. It’s hard letting in things to your life when you’re sure not everyone is going to approve of it. I think we spend so much time being afraid to let things enter our lives, because we’re afraid that letting things in will make those around us reject us.
I was definitely in one of those deeper emotional thought moments. I looked into my jock-boy’s deep blue eyes and got such a warm feeling. “Jus, Angel, you’re one in a million you know that? I don’t know anyone else that could ever open up the way you do to what is really inside of you – especially when everything has changed so drastically! You’ve managed to change your entire life around me, and I don’t think I could ever manage to do so much in so little time – and still smile!”
“Yeah my J-boy but you know that you’re amazing too. If I’d only faced my feelings sooner – like you did, built my own little world like yours, then maybe I would have known myself a little better too and things could have been different?”
“No Justin. I mean, yeah, it really helped me sometimes that I could crawl into that little corner of mine, but just like it becomes easy to hide behind an image, it also becomes too easy to retreat into that little corner and hide from people. I have had times where that corner became a scapegoat for all of my problems. In the end, for a while, I stopped fighting for my own life, instead all I did was hide. That in itself only made me become self-conscious to such an extent where I stopped caring for myself. I put everyone else first. It’s almost as if I did what you did – I hid in my corner – and took care of everyone else to hide the fact that I was in that corner.”
“Then how did you come out of your corner? Cuz, from what you told me you haven’t been living in this house too long and you already have corners here – so this wasn’t so long ago was it?”
“Yeah, well, I dunno. Accepting the fact that I was gay for myself made me much stronger. Slow, and small steps, helped me to realize that I had to look out for myself a little in life too. It took a while to get there. But this was a while ago though. I still have my own little private worlds yeah, but they’re not there to hide anymore, they’re there for some ‘me-time’, they’re a place I can go to explore myself. I won’t lie, sometimes I still need to hide for a little while – to gain energy and courage to go out there and face my problems. But it just isn’t as it used to be, or at least not as bad as before – definitely not to a point of being self-destructive. I think I got walked over enough times to start standing up for myself – at least when I could.”
With that said the moment was broken by my mom calling for us to come inside and get things tidied up. We were busy with all of that while all sorts of people came in and out of our house, from the cops, the insurance company, and some other random and/or important people. Our attorney also made a round by the house, I assume firstly to sort out some issues about important documents or things that may have gone missing, but also as it turns out, to discuss a law suit with my parents against the security company. Apparently my parents want to sue because the security company was informed of our vacation plans, including return date, and yet they didn’t respond to the alarm nor do any routine checks on the house.
It could be that the criminals somehow disabled the alarm but as my dad was explaining to us, they should have enquired when they saw the alarm be disarmed and never armed again – and all of this before our return date. Strangely though my mom was quite calm whilst handling all of this – I guess it was because for once they invested wisely in a good insurance package – so it wasn’t too full of hassles. I think she was only excited to get brand new stuff – because I was.
I had my own private bathroom on my bedroom, so Justin and myself without needing to be modest got cleaned up and ready for the rest of the day that lay ahead of us. We then finally got round to properly cleaning up my room and I had a chance while cleaning up all my crap to share with Justin some of the smaller sentimental things I kept in my life. I had millions of little notes and letters written during class, lots of little pictures and other small things that always kept me busy.
Of course Justin found my sentimentality very cute and was all over me when we heard my mom knock on the door. I knew it was her because she had a unique ‘way’ of knocking. Well – when she bothered to knock that is – although since Justin has been around that’s been a general habit of hers now to rather knock first.
My mom came in with a beaming smile on her face. “Boys – good news! The insurance company has promised me that our money will be paid in by Saturday (It was now Wednesday) which means that on Saturday all of us are going SHOOOPPIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!”
It was the first time I’d ever seen my mother get excited about shopping! That, combined with the fact that my step father had a business trip to Cape Town for the weekend meant that Justin and myself would be the ones helping my mom decide on what to buy – so we get to have a say on the cool shit like the new t.v.!
My mother was actually as excited as we were about all of this. I could see the glint in her eye as she turned around to leave again. I gave Justin a ‘happy-kiss’ and a biiig hug before returning to the odd things we were messing around with. The most fun about everything we were doing and preparing for was planning my room in such a way that Justin could be part of it. We were transforming my room into OUR room now.
While we continued to get things in total order (I’m a perfectionist in this) Justin kept sharing things with me about his ‘old room’, at his mom’s house. The more we packed, and the more Justin spoke, the more the gravity of reality began to sink in to me. I know I had considered this before but not quite grasped it so well – but I was beginning to really understand just how difficult it must be for Justin to part with his old life entirely, as if a guillotine had just chopped it off.
As all this was happening I would at times glance up at Justin, especially taking time to notice his eyes. I’m sure he could feel me looking at him. I would see this strange sort of glint in his eyes while he was talking about all the memories of his old and seemingly perfect life. I could still see and feel that Justin was afraid to tell me exactly how hard this whole experience was for him. The pain was evident in his eyes. I think it was because he didn’t want me to feel like I wasn’t good enough to make him happy despite all this.
I know what all you readers are thinking now. Actually I don’t know what all you readers are thinking now, but I think I know what you’re thinking, and that is that you’re all thinking that Justin should just GO HOME!
I guess he was worrying that he might be thinking the same thing though. It couldn’t be an option to him just yet. Justin is detached from his old life (in a way that was a good thing). He isn’t missing any great obligations right now. The challenge is that he now has to transform himself to be part of MY life when he is so far away from home – and worse yet – forbidden to be home.
By the time the two of us were done helping my mom with the rest of the house it was already late afternoon. Since this time of day – that time of day when afternoon starts becoming dusk – I made my way back outside to the back yard, with Justin in tow. It just wasn’t the same as being on the beach, I really will be missing that beach in Sedgefield. But either way we still walked around the yard for quite a while before settling down on the back lawn, just sighing quietly to ourselves and relaxing…
“Justin. I love you…”
“I love you too Jason.” *smile*
“I know… and… I know you miss home. I know I gotta be sounding like a broken record already but as hard as it is cutting off – I don’t want you to worry too much. Things ARE going to get better. You just need to hang on that much longer and smile a little wider when you can. I will always love you, and I know you’re afraid and that this is much harder than you thought it would be, but you know what? You and I belong together. This is all part of that. That means that we’ll be the kind of thing people envy in the world, and that together we’re going to conquer all our problems as one!”
*MMMMMWAH!!!*
*long stare in the eyes*
*Serious serious (boner-making) kiss*
The sun departed beyond the horizon and we were back to the world of just trying to settle in and get used to being home, eating a decent home cooked meal again (prepared on our camping gas-stove), and most importantly, getting to the phone and updating all my friends on my hectic last few weeks! I can hardly believe that the existence of my mobile phone totally disappeared from my memory over this holiday – usually that’s what I’m married to!
Every single phone call began something like: “Hey there, it’s Jason………. Helloooo?”
“Oh. Hi JASON… WHERE THE HELL (or %$#^#$%$# ((insert many curse words in here)) HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?!?!??”
Sooooo yeah. That didn’t always go down so well, I got it BAAAAAD for not keeping in touch, worse yet for not keeping in touch when I had so much to say – but just the fact that I had SO much to tell them was enough to earn some forgiveness and curiosity out of my friends. Of course, who could deny me the pleasure of spending every waking moment with this blonde boy that was with me now after all?
Thursday morning was quite weird, just as any other day had been lately. Waking up with Justin lying beside me in my bed, in my room, where I had so often laid in bed wondering where in the world my true love was…
I can vividly still remember how I often spent many waking nights on my bed, thinking, wondering if there REALLY was actually someone out there in the world that was destined to love me some day. In the same way I could remember lying on this same bed, after my heart had been broken. I thought back about how deeply I had felt cut, how the tears had flowed freely from my eyes. Then I simply smiled, because right next to me was Justin, and with him, it was all okay.
Actually, I felt better than ok, I felt simply AMAZING!
Justin was still in la la land, so I quietly snuck out of bed trying not to wake him up, and scurried almost guiltily off to the kitchen. My mom was trying to relax in the living room with a magazine, but as all good children are, I asked (ok probably demanded) her help in the kitchen.
I had made a firm decision after creeping out of bed that since this was the first decent morning since Justin had been here, sleeping in a tidy bedroom, that I should welcome him into the new day with breakfast in bed. However, with clarity in both mine (and definitely my mom’s) minds I remembered the time I had done an A-Grade job of spraying my attempted home-made chocolate sauce all over the kitchen’s walls/floor/ceiling/cupboards. That’s why I needed my mother’s help – I didn’t want to cause any new disasters around the house.
My mother was as enthusiastic as I was about the breakfast idea, and it seemed to me that even my mom was acting weird lately! Or it could be that she was simply driven by fear of destruction of her prized kitchen. None-the-less we made a healthy team effort to whip up bacon, eggs, French toast with syrup, orange juice, sausages and a light salad. All the variety in the world for my lil Jus-boy to choose from! Everything was neatly arranged into a shiny silver tray, and I added the touch-up of a small little vase and a bright red flower freshly picked from mom’s garden in it – just to give it character.
Love makes you do the corniest things!
I got everything together and carefully prodded my way back to my bedroom door, asking my mom (nicely I promise) to open the door for me. I stepped inside but half knocked the door wide open with my foot, and with that a sleepy Justin stretched himself out as far as he could, piercing blue eyes squinting and fluttering open to greet the new, beautiful and sunny day… A smile creeped onto his face and I had to use all my energy not to melt right there.
The smile that I had on my face was something like this massive thing someone had gone and smacked onto me, because I was RADIATING with happiness! I half floated half bounced over to my half-sleeping beauty and presented him with my exquisite masterpiece…
OK OK OK – OUR MASTERPIECE!!! Sheesh, you’d think a mother would at least let her son have all the credit!
Anyway, nevermind that, eh, Justin was nevertheless still VERY impressed and seemed even more fond of this ‘breakfast in bed’ scene he got to star in, and he wolfed down EVERYTHING! He had this most adorable boyish “I’m so cute” smile on his face when he saw how shocked I was that he managed to get all of that in his stomach…
I’m honestly euphoric right now! Every single thing this guy does, no matter how small, makes me soooo happy, I just want to kiss him and love him and hug him and cuddle him and and and!!!
Sorry. Got carried away there eh.
I dropped hints while Jus was crawling out of bed for him to get freshened up while I took the dishes back to the kitchen… And then make my way back to the en-suite bathroom to join him in the shower. I mean – I also kinda needed to get my day started and myself cleaned up – you know – that’s all! I had some plans for the day and it wouldn’t have panned out if we roamed in our pajamas (technically our boxers) all day though…
HEY! Does anyone here remember that song (story) “Banana’s in pajamas, are coming down the stairs!” Sorry, I just suddenly had a moment thinking of it, well, eh, yeah. I kind of go into these thinking stages of toddler songs. I mean, one of the best ever was teletubbies! I LOOOVED the teletubbies! Okay this is officially getting weird, but I know that they were cute (at times) if you really made fun of them! *run*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANYWAY! Justin and I were going to meet my friends. Heh.
This could easily have been one of the most nerve wrecking days in my life, since I had never gone as far as to introduce a boyfriend of mine to any of my friends, so today that would be a MAJOR first. It’s not that nobody has ever been worthy of it, it’s just simply a matter of not being able to keep them long enough to actually get that far to the whole ‘meet my friends’ part. Or any other part for that matter. Bleh!
However, this time was going to be different. My mom drove us through to IJ’s house, where we had all agreed would be the gathering-house today. After my mom drove off, I pushed the intercom button and when IJ picked up I announced that we had arrived.
Finally after what seemed like forever (you know how women can be *duck*) IJ, Amy and Gwen came waddling from the house to open the gate for us. This IS Joburg, South Africa people. In the city, you have electric gates, electric fencing, intercom systems, etc. etc. etc. standard on MOST homes, the crime is just sooo terrible ‘Dahlink!’ Ok, I’m in a silly mood and rambling on again!
But you gotta understand! My nerves are running sky high right now. Can you imagine bringing your whole life to what used to be your whole life and making a NEW whole life? Ok, I mean that in as non-sexual a way as possible! What I mean is can you imagine me taking Justin, who has become my whole life, to meet some of my closest closest friends in the world, who were my whole life before I met Justin??? Now they’re just expected to CLICK you know?
If they don’t… DRAMA!
It’s like weird, they look at Justin but QUICKLY look back at me and try to say hello, the usual hugs to me and the ‘how have you been?’. I do the standard ‘introduction’ thing, you know how the formalities go. But it’s HEAVILY awkward.
Justin does have this very shy smile on him, but other than that he is very confident in his posture and the way the rest of him looks. I know that Justin is good at dealing with people, but unfortunately, my friends are not your average people. Just when I thought the day was DOOMED along with both Justin and myself, and my thoughts were screaming: “AAAAAAH!!!!!!” Gwen – at the most unexpected of times as always – becomes the cutest savior in the world and breaks the ice!
Before I can tell you what broke the ice, I GOTTA tell you a bit about Gwen. She’s honestly one in 7 billion! She has the cutest little hands, paired with the funniest attitude. She comes up with the strangest words and hand signals, and ALWAYS manages to be entertaining (well, that is when Gwen and I get the giggles – errr, no comment!). She is by far the most stylish out of the bunch of us, with the best fashion sense by light-years, yet she possesses this unmistakable naïveté that never stops being entertaining!
“NIEM NIEM! JAAASOON! OH MY WORD HE’S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUUUTE!!!!!!!! Howcome you get to meet all the cute guys? HUMMM???! NOT FAIR!!! Hey cute new boyfriend guy! Do you have any cute friends? MMMMM????” Suddenly Gwen pulls these funny big eyes and a laugh that’s just WAITING to burst from her face!
It was simply TOO much for me, I couldn’t help it, I broke down laughing (along with everyone else)! Of course, Justin was simply so amazingly gorgeous that I had the other two girls also brooding over my boi…
From there things started running smoothly, conversation going non-stop, initially just chit-chat but soon Justin was being overwhelmed with more questions than anything else. I mean, here I had 3 girls, secretly DROOLING while having a personal unreserved and downright NOSY interview with my new GAY boyfriend, the feeling was simply HEAVEN!!! It was very funny to watch all of this unfold, even though it was a little embarrassing too – they have all these questions, and some really just caught me by surprise. You would never think that girls could be SO – erm – DIRTY! I won’t go into what kinds of questions they asked, lets just uh say, some were very personal!
IJ had a really interesting house. One thing I can highlight about IJ is that they are very unconventional – I think that’s the right word??? They have so many amusing little things all over their house, and they are absolute animal-fanatics! However the thing you will find more than ANYTHING else in that house (including oxygen molecules!) is books. Books, books and MORE BOOKS! IJ grew up with them, so she has always been quite intelligent, especially when compared to the rest of us n00bs!
NOOOOT that I’m stupid or anything *cough* I just happen to really suck at maths. I regard myself as too good to be true in life! Ok, ok. I’m just trying to boost my ego here, but it’s not working. *cough*
We freely raided IJ’s kitchen digging into their food supplies to fill ourselves a little. Justin was a total hit – he was way more entertaining for them than I EVER could have been! Back to food, Amy and Gwen were pretty puckish but not extreme. IJ on the other hand… NOT your average girl! Sure, she (I think) was hot (and so do many straight guys that ask me endlessly about her!!!). But she was blessed with that usually-male ability to really WOLF down anything she laid her eyes on, and not pick up an ounce of weight. And boy did she use that ability to the fullest! She has OFTEN out-eaten me! So us two guys and IJ dug into the most of the food – Amy and Gwen only scavenging for small portions, and yeah, music, chatting, etc. was how the day went on.
We learnt a lot more about each other, Justin and myself sharing about his life experiences, and most importantly, what went down in Sedgefield! Amy was going on about some of her other friends in her life, telling Justin all about the happenings in her life. They got along well in the sense that both were ‘top sporting scholars’. They both were part of and/or came from the ‘popular’ group in school. But Amy wasn’t reserved and also dug into her silly side generously.
Yeah, eh. I kinda left that out. We’re all a silly bunch of people. IJ is probably the most well-composed of all of us! But the rest of us really know how to lose complete, total and utter sanity, and that’s just when we’re sober!
Gwen was VERY innocent. If she does something she wasn’t supposed to do the night before (LIKE SMOKING, YOU PERVS!) she’ll come to school feeling SOOO guilty that all she wants to do is cry! And of course, without a doubt, us being such wonderful loving and supportive friends, all join in for a GREAT round of applause at Gwen’s latest demise *MUAHAHAHAHAHA!* Ok, eh, we don’t like push it THAT far, we do try to keep her from being REALLY naughty! But there are times when she really just knows how to catch us all by surprise!
So as things always seem to go, by late afternoon, Gwen, Amy and myself were out in the back yard, behaving worse than a group of 2 year olds. We would laugh ourselves into a state of paralysis for about 15 minutes straight, before all start gradually calming down, but within seconds a random snort or STUPID line, and there we go again, laughing non-stop for another 15 minutes!
It was during our ‘toddler time’ that Justin and IJ really got to know each other well. They had something very particular in common (actually two basic things) but the one had changed their whole lives.
The one aspect was that both Justin and IJ had sisters. Yes, I know, shocking ‘Days of our Lives’ moment! Stop gasping from all the amazement readers!
Anyway enough of the jokes, the other aspect they had in common was really deep and sad. Both had lost their fathers not too long ago. So while we were being absolutely pathetically stupid, they were building an intense connection about their past.
For both of them this was something completely new, being able to share something so deep and painful with what was at the time, almost a stranger. AND being able to share it with someone who experienced the same thing. IJ and myself were also very close connected, as we share quite similar lives on a day-to-day sort of scale. But I was happy that Justin had formed this connection with IJ, because I couldn’t have thought of a more ideal way to bring Justin into my inner-circle, and keep him down solid!
Before we could wipe our eyes from all the tears of laughter Gwen’s dad had arrived to pick her and Amy up and drive them home. Justin and myself decided to wait there till IJ’s mom got home. I couldn’t wait to introduce Justin to IJ’s mom. Especially after how well the friendship-meeting went! That, thankfully, also went very smoothly, with some chit chat about more intellectual topics, until it was home time for us guys as well.
By the end of the day, when I was back on my bed, I was yet again thinking back a little. I was so happy now that Justin was here, and that he was really melting in well with my life. What more could I ask for?
For the most part we spent the rest of the week hanging out with the 3 chicks, but I also told Justin quite a bit about the rest of our circle of friends from my old town. We were definitely going to visit them in a few months time for a couple of weeks, as my mom still had a house there and we go there every once in a while to take care of things and regroup with our old lives.
FINALLY Saturday arrived and we were up very, very early, because… IT WAS SHOPPING DAY!!!!! I was literally bouncing off the walls, and I think Justin was actually afraid of me! I really get happy when we get to blow a lot of money, and today we were going to blow A LOT!
I’m sorry, but I just really, really love money! Money is everything and more to me, and my life never ever stops wanting money! Hehe. Okay, that’s really over-exaggerating it now, but who doesn’t love it when you get to spend money and almost feel like a celebrity or something and buying all sorts of big stuff?
We started off looking for televisions, then stereo systems for those who had and lost, a couple of other electronic goodies, computers of course being top priority on my list.
The nice thing about the whole situation was that I now had a better PC than before – technology improving and prices staying reasonably the same – AWESOME!
It was really cool shopping, but this wasn’t just your usual shopping trip. Having Justin with me made it a whole new kind of experience. As you could imagine, with all the work we had to do, there was quite a bit of walking done. So when mother dearest got thirsty, we grabbed some cash and set out to buy her a drink. But instead of just finding something to drink we got stupid and silly, and ran from shop to shop looking for the same cold drink and then simply went to the one that sold it the cheapest! We were RUNNING all over the show, cracking jokes at everything we saw and being like two little boys in a mall. Eh! My mother was a bit confused as to why exactly we took THAT long to bring the refreshments, but hey, she got it didn’t she?!
We spent the night setting up all the new equipment, booming loud music, and having a summer eve barbeque. Or as it is called in South Africa, a braai. So we had our braai! Hehe. I had all my friends over, and so did Jamie, and my mom had a couple of her friends over too. When Jannie is at home this never happens because he has a tendency to have alcohol-thirsty friends over and that can result in some embarrassing situations.
It is at this point that I suddenly feel the need to point out that my grammar and or use of language or whatever probably sucks quite often. I know that if I tried really hard I could probably do it right, but I don’t bother because why try so hard if what I’m doing works hey?
Jannie arrived back from his business trip on the Monday afternoon, and my mother fetched him from the airport.
Fortunately for us (he gets much sometimes) he is only here for one more week then he is flying back up to Mali, in West Africa where he works full time.
He stays up there for 5 months then returns home for 1 month, and basically that’s the cycle. I hadn’t expected him to embrace our shopping tastes, but his reaction wasn’t exactly what I had expected either.
He walked in, greeted us, and then went off bitching and moaning. It was to be expected from Jannie, but I somehow thought he would have gotten over that stage by now. He has been home too long, and was really becoming an asshole again! My mother’s defense was that the salesman had recommended everything in the house. He probably would have thrown a flying fit if he knew it was our choices and not the salesman…
Oh well, so is the workings of life. Jannie was slowly but surely becoming a pain in the ass, but that usually happened in the last week, and usually didn’t matter much either because he was leaving soon anyway, and having Justin with me put us in a world of our very own anyway. My life was filled with freedom rather than being restricted with his bantering.
That was until two days later… Justin and myself came home one night after being at Amy’s house, and walked in to hear my mother and Jannie arguing. At first I thought it was just some usual argument about money or whatever, but then I heard what he said.
He was going on and on about Justin and I. Saying things like I’m not his son, so it doesn’t bother him that I’m gay but it is immoral to him that we are sleeping in the same room. The same argument extended to my older brother and his girlfriend.
My mother took her usual position defending us, which is exactly why it was an argument in the first place. I was happy that he was leaving soon but the fact that he was trying to break us down really pissed me off.
For the next couple of days we kept a distance from him, made sure he never saw us together, not until he was gone.
Still, we were left with a lot of confusion. Things had been going so well. Why do people have to change? Why so often for the worse?
No hectic cliffhanger this time! Comments/suggestions/criticisms/stories/soap boxes/good porn *hehe* email me at thap@ananzi.co.za
BYE!!!!!!!