A special thanks to everyone who sent me e-mails about the story, I hope you enjoy this chapter, too. I know it took a while but I have been putting in some overtime at work -- we just set up a whole new network and nothing seems to be working right J but its ok, because I needed the money.
DISCLAIMER: Just like always, I don't Lance, the Jody guy is made up, and I really don't know any celebrities, so pretty much everything in this story is bullshit from my head. SO don't believe it. Also, if you cannot legally or morally read this story, save us all some trouble and don't! Thanks everybody.
Special thanks to Jimmy and The European Fan person who have given some good ideas and support. By the way, European fan, do you have a name????
When It's Over Part 4: Memories and their scars.
Jody was very patiently waiting and nervously pacing in the lobby of a very nice hotel in Los Angeles when he heard an elevator open behind him and felt eyes on his back. He turned to see Lance walking towards him slowly half pretending to be reading a newspaper in his hand.
"Hi..." Jody said, and then taking in another breath he felt the need to say more but words just wouldn't come, so instead he offered his hand to Lance. Lance, being a "gentleman", or at least that's how everyone described him, took Jody's hand and gave it a firm shake.
"Don't be so nervous, you've been through hiring management before, it can't be that bad." Lance said. He was quite aware of Jody's nervousness and was almost enjoying it. He had decided long before this meeting that he was going to handle this like business, nothing more - he didn't want anything more. Or at least he told himself that.
"Actually, when he heard our last managers, we went to a nice restaurant, and I drank a whole bottle of wine and let everyone else handle business. I just wasn't interested." Jody said as they walked towards the restaurant in the hotel, which looked mostly deserted.
"Drinking problem? Any other possible disasters I should know about?" Lance questioned, half serious, and half just wanting to know more.
"Actually, I have had very little drink since that night, I don't do drugs, and I am not a very violent person." Jody said it close to Lance's ear as their was a group of old women standing close to them waiting on their table, and he just didn't feel right mentioning drugs, alcohol, and violence in front of them.
The waiter walked over to the table and patiently waited for Lance and Jody to notice him. Lunch had been completely business and neither seemed to mind the interruption.
"May I get you something from the bar?" He asked.
"A glass of red wine for both of us." Lance stated half wondering if Jody would accept.
"May I see your ID's?"
"Sure." Lance stated as he reached for his wallet.
"I'll just have iced tea, unsweetened. Thanks." Jody said barely looking up from the menu in front of him. Though he did notice the odd look Lance was giving him.
"On second thought, so will I."
"Very well." As the waiter walked away Lance leaned over the table a little until he had Jody's attention.
"I was joking about the drinking problem thing, ya' know?"
"Its not that... it's just that... well, you have to be 21." Jody said a little embarrassed about his age.
"Your not 21? That is surprising."
"Well, I turn 20 in a couple of months." Jody said almost in a whisper. Lance merely looked at him wide eyed, but noticing how uncomfortable Jody seemed to be on the subject he looked back at his menu and picked up the business conversation once again.
Lance did most of the talking; Jody simply threw out ideas here and there. He knew little or nothing about the business side of the industry and what he had seen and had to deal with bored him completely. "Look, I hate the business end of it. I know I have to do conferences and show up to sign things and such, but other than that, I need some one who can handle it and just let me do what I have to do." Jody said after Lance kept pushing him for what he wanted to do with his career.
Lance simply grinned and dug his fork into the piece of grilled fish on his plate. "Typically rock musician. `Let me make my albums and play my shows, and you do what you have to so I can.' That's a bad mentality when you're in the business, that's how people screw you."
"Yeah, well, typical pop star who cares way too much about the money and the image." It was a joke of course, and the grin on his face had convinced Lance of that before he even finished his sentence. That exchange set the tone for the rest of the meal. When Lance needed to know something from Jody he simply got him to make a joke about it. He had learned early on most of Jody's sense of humor sprung from what he thought.
Jody's cell phone rang just as he pulled into his mother's driveway. "Hello?"
"Its Lance. I have news." The voice was flat, and Jody could tell he was on a cell phone too.
"Let me guess, we still have no record deal, and you want out." Jody said trying to be just as flat. In all actuality Lance had been working very hard for Jody the last few weeks. The first act of business was putting Jody in the studio with an up and coming producer, his friend JC, to make a demo that even Jody had to admit wasn't half bad. Especially something finished in just under 48 hours. Lance had left 2 hours in when he quickly realized that neither Jody or JC would leave that studio until it was perfect, though he did expect it to take longer than it. When he picked them up in his 4-Runner they looked like 2 zombies coming after him.
Since then Lance had spent most of his "vacation" from NSYNC shopping his demo around to various record labels, with a lot of interest until they saw the name attached. Apparently Jody had a reputation, and everyone wanted no part of it. "You remember that record label you joked about sending it to? Nothing Records?"
"Yeah, the guy who owns it is a "musical idol" if you will. Why?"
"They want to meet you."
"Are you fucking serious?" Those were the only words he could get out. He had stopped half way into the car and half in.
"Yeah, next Thursday in New Orleans, I'll be there with you. I'll call later with details, right now, I think you should go celebrate." And Lance hung up. Jody was still standing there with the phone in his hand and his mouth open when he sister came out the front door.
"You gonna come in or what?"
"Yeah, we have to have a party now." Jody said with a slight grin forming on his face as he started for the front door.
Early in the morning hours of the next day, rather close to dawn, Jody found himself alone in his childhood bedroom. He was looking through the open door into what was his mother's bedroom. The bed was stripped, everything was neat and orderly, but it was all covered in dust. Her clothes were still in the drawers, still in the closet, and the bills she had paid the night before she died were still lying on the carpet next to the bed. No one, especially Jody could even walk in that room, it took all of his courage now just to look in there.
Everyone had gone home hours before. They had a small celebration, some friends, some family, and Ashley. The only one he wanted to see. She had been the friend since he was quite young. They had been through everything together. When he found his mother that fateful morning he had called her when the ambulance arrived, and she made it there before the ambulance could leave. She had been the rock wall that had held him up for so long, and it felt good to be back around her. She was still here, sleeping Jody's bed where she had dozed off in mid conversation. Now he felt alone. And there was comfort in the familiar feeling.
The isolation brought back thousands of images from the past, but none as clear as when he found his mother that morning. Heart attack, it was the same thing that took his father years before. It was clear, but it was the key that opened the door to thousands of other memories, few of which were pleasant. He guessed it was probably typical, rock star with a dark past, bad family life, and few friends. But, some say art comes from suffering, but Jody always thought they just co existed in everyone.
He was going to New Orleans to meet with people from Nothing Records. He had one hell of a manager that actually seemed to care what Jody wanted. He had Ashley, she was always there, but still there was something missing. He was tired of feeling alone even when he wasn't, and he wanted to do something about it. There were two people on the face of the planet that seemed to make him feel noticed, significant. One was his best friend whom he could even kiss with a straight face, and the other was his manager. And god forbid you mix business with pleasure, god forbid you mix business with anything having to do with emotion. Without realizing it he began to sing softly, trying to match his emotions to music.
threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back, a name in your recollection, thrown down among a million same. difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over when i've looked right through to see you naked and oblivious and you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel, the eyes of a tragedy. here i am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded. but i see through it all and see you. so i threw you the obvious to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. oh well. apparently nothing. you don't see me. you don't see me at all. (1)
It took only a moment to find his notebook and pen. He flipped to empty page and was quickly scribbled several lines down for use in a later work. He always thought of songs when he was alone singing something to himself. Josh, JC, whatever the hell you were supposed to call him, was the first person to really get to read through his notebooks. Even the band had only been allowed to see the parts Jody wanted to use as songs. But Jody had felt safe showing it to Josh. He was still scared shitless about it, but he had comfort in knowing Josh was there to help him.
When Its Over Part 5: No Magic Left In This City
The rest of Jody's all too short break mostly consisted of down time. Sleeping late, going to lunch with Ashley. Picking up his sister's kids from school and spending the afternoon playing with them. Spent half the night talking to either Ashley or his sister about his life. What he wanted, what he needed, what he never could get. It just felt good to get back into a normal life, even if it was just temporary.
Once in New Orleans, he found it to be exactly as he had left it. He had lived most of his life in the south and had visited New Orleans quite often. The city looked the same. It even smelled the same, but something was different. The people were different, but that changed daily around here. It was almost like there was no magic left in the city. `Guess I've been traveling too much lately.' He thought as he climbed out of the cab and walked stiffly into the hotel where Lance had booked each of them a room. He checked in at the desk and headed to his room. The old hotel was quite nice and on most days he would love the view, but right now he needed sleep. He could never sleep well on planes.
As soon as his head hit the pillow he heard a knock at the door and it opened just as quickly. Lance walked in and immediately began unpacking his things. Jody looked at him through heavy eyelids and gave him the most sincere confused look he could muster. "I have too much energy and need to burn some off, sorry." He said placing Jody's stack of t-shirts back into the suitcase.
"No, go ahead, I just didn't think it was a package deal a manager and some one to settle me in, kinda nice actually." He was trying to be nice, he was trying to funny, but sleep was too strong and he was soon back asleep.
"Get up, time to get ready." Lance's voice was softly piercing Jody's fogged mind. But what woke him up was the rubbing on his shoulders that felt better than the nap he had just managed to squeeze in.
"We have to be there in an hour, and you look like you need a shower and coffee. The coffee is on the way up, so go shower." Lance had a motherly tone in his voice that quickly responded to and forced himself from the comfortable bed. He hadn't given a second thought to the physical contact between him and Lance. It had become quite common. It seems that instead of becoming lovers as everyone had wanted and expected, they had formed a business relationship and an odd friendship.
He stumbled his way into the bathroom and was about to turn around and get some fresh clothes when he noticed a folded outfit sitting on the sink in the bathroom. "He thinks of everything." Jody said under his breath as he went in the bathroom and closed the door.
The hot water pounding on his neck and back felt almost as good as Lance's hands had. There was something about that man's touch, it was firm but there was never any hardness to it. Jody always just melted into it. It was that touch that made it so hard for him to keep this a straight business relationship/friendship. His touch, his voice, and his eyes, those eyes were enough to make him forget everything and just go after him. "My god, what am I, a teenager?" Jody thought somewhat humorously, though the humor did little to make him feel better. Jody was still feeling the isolation he had grown up in, and he was finally admitting to himself that he didn't enjoy it.
It was the same isolation that drove him to spending more time in his room with a computer than in the real world with people. He had played on the Internet and in the chat rooms like everyone else. But that never seemed enough for him. He always liked to know how things worked. So he taught himself how to make web pages. He taught himself how to make the graphics, and manage content. But, after a while that wasn't enough. He learned how to program the scripts inside the pages that make it more interesting. That was the door that everyone thought would be his future.
He liked programming for a computer. Computers run on logic and math. He couldn't rationalize to a computer, and a computer couldn't rationalize to him. The logic made him feel secure, in logic there is no chance, everything has its outcome and you can usually see it coming. So he continued programming. He learned new languages, bought book after book, learned new technologies, and had even scored a job as the systems administrator for a up and coming company. Everyone expected him to land a job at a large software manufacturer and be one of the geeks they keep in the basement away from the light. No one saw this band that kept him entertained on weekends to go anywhere, especially here, in New Orleans, about to sign to a label that was run by one of his few musical idols.
As he stepped out of the shower into the steam filled shower he felt more down than usual. For some reason it bothered him that he could hear Lance on the other side of the door talking to some one on the phone. It wasn't the fact that Lance was there, or that he was on the phone. It just bothered him, and he couldn't explain it. But he did know what was causing it. And it was time for him to do something about it. He quickly brushed his teeth and dressed, not bothering to shave and walked into his room. He had to get this out in the open, it just doesn't work.
Lance was leaned against the headboard of his bed on the phone. It was obvious he was talking to his mom from the look on his face. It was like a small child at summer camp that wasn't very happy about being there and missed his mommy. Jody found this somewhat endearing, as he had never had that connection with his mom, or much of any one else in the world. Sure he loved them, but he never had that deep of a connection with them. Lance noticed Jody coming out of the bathroom and began to wrap up his phone call.
Jody was somewhat pacing when Lance finally hung up with his mother and gave him a questioning look. "We have to talk, now, is there time?" Jody said. The tension in his voice was quite obvious and he was pretty sure even if there wasn't time Lance would make time.
"Sure, we have a few minutes before we leave. The coffee is on the cart over there with some food. What's up? Nervous?" Lance was trying to sound as calm as he could but he knew what was coming. He had never even entertained the idea of representing a rock act, and he was pretty sure he had screwed up, and Jody probably wanted new management. Though Jody's face was full on tension and nervousness, there was no anger to be seen.
"We have a problem. Don't look at me like that, it's not something you did." A look of uncertainty and nervousness had flashed across Lance's face, making Jody weak in the knees.
"Whets the problem, did you want decaf coffee?" A joke. A bad joke, but a joke none the less.
"No, it's a little more complex." He waited till Lance made eye contact with him. They had both been avoiding it until now. "I don't think this is going to work. Your one hell of a manager, I mean you got me a meeting with Nothing Records. Its just that I don't know how well its going between the two of us."
"Meaning?"
"I like you Lance. You have done so much for me and never seemed to mind. But, I.. This "business relationship" thing doesn't fit. I think I like you too much for that. I mean... I'm lonely and when you're around I'm... not? That sounded stupid. Look... fuck..." He was stuttering and grasping for words. He had planned a small speech, expecting Lance to walk away when the business relationship ended, though he had hopes for something else, anything else.
"Here I'll make this easy on you, ok?"
"Ok."
"You're a lonely guy. And you have figured out you like me in some capacity. But, you figure you can't get any closer to me as long as I'm representing you, so you have decided to end that in the hopes that either I will walk away and leave you alone again, or maybe we can move in another direction?"
"Something like that." Jody felt embarrassed. When he heard the whole the thing vocalized he felt like a teenager with some excuse why he came in drunk, it sounded good in your head, until you said it.
"First of all. Unless you want to fire me, I am still representing you, cause I put too much work into this to just quit. Second of all. If you think back, you are the one that ran off or pushed me away whenever I tried to start something with you. I will be your manager if you will allow me, I will be your friend because I like you, but I will not just go date you or fuck you or whatever you had planned because your lonely and I'm here. I don't work like that, Jody." Lance said it all with a flat tone. Their wasn't anger or resentment in his voice, but Jody still couldn't make himself look away from the carpet between his feet. There was a harsh truth to it, and he hated himself for that.
"If I wanted a quick fuck I could have just gone bar hoping you know." Jody said, more concerned that Lance may think of him just wanting that than the stern refusal he just received.
"Yeah, but I'm safer. I was interested in you so I would be easy to convince. You didn't have to meet some one new. If things got complicated you could just fire me and send me back to Orlando. I'm already in your life, so you didn't have to go meet new people so you could keep the anti-social complex intact."
Why the fuck did he make so much sense, and is he right? "I don't want a quick fuck, Lance. I like safe things, and yes your safe. But you also make me feel safe, and there is a lot to be said for that. I don't want you out of my life. If I can keep you as a manager, or a friend, or anything I will, I just had hopes. I'm sorry." And on that note, still feeling like a complete and total idiot, he turned and left the hotel room. He headed to the lobby wondering which direction Nothing Studios was, and if he could ever find it alone.
"Follow me." Lance said simply as he walked past Jody through the doors hailing a cab.
The meeting was productive. Jody had signed a contract that Lance seemed to approve of, and he got along well with Trent, the owner of the label. As a matter of fact, Trent had offered to help produce Jody's first solo album. But none of it seemed to matter to him right now. His mind was still stuck on Lance. Lance had turned him down, and the isolation had set in, again. He also wondered if Lance was right. Was he just playing it safe, or did he actually have some feelings for Lance, and if he did, what exactly were they? He was confused, he felt alone, and he wasn't very celebratory when Lance took him for dinner. He had spent most of the time with a dumb grin on his face nodding and talking about nothing interesting while his mind raced across thousands of ideas. All of which seemed to center around the man across the table from him.
He had consciously drank more than usual at dinner. The waiter had been nice enough not to card him and took advantage of the situation. He had several mixed drinks while they waited on their food, more wine with dinner, and a few shots at the bar while Lance thought he was in the bathroom. By them time they left he was feeling it quite hard, and his mind had seemed to finally calm down some. In the cab heading back to the hotel he watched Lance out of the corner of his eye hoping he wasn't being obvious.
"You do realize it wasn't because you were easy or safe. It wasn't just because I'm lonely. There was something there from the very beginning. I was just at a bad point then to be trying to start a relationship; especially one that seemed might actually work out. I understand you don't want me like that anymore, but I thought you needed, I needed you to know that that it wasn't like you thought." Jody's voice was weak and the words slurred together but Lance had gotten the point. He had been startled when the silence of the ride was broken, but what he said surprised him more. Jody wasn't known as someone to do something because of emotions. He also wasn't known to care what people thought of him or how he acted.
"Are you sure? Or is the alcohol finally gone to your head?" Lance sounded quite Cynical, which doesn't fit him in the least.
"The alcohol just made that little voice that kept me from saying that shut up. I had to say it. The alcohol just let me do it with out hating myself, for now." The rest of the ride was quiet. Neither of them had much else to say, and being alone in their respective rooms seemed to be a great alternative to the small space they shared in the back seat of the cab.
But as soon as they arrived at the hotel the bar took Jody's interest and he made his way in, luckily he was recognized by the bartender and wasn't carded. He had plans to spend a while here making sure he was completely numb before heading upstairs to pass out. Lance had gone straight up, eager to call some one, any one that was away from this situation and would know what to do, which left five options, the guys and his mother.
He had decided on trying Joey first, he at the least could point him in a good direction for help. Joey answered his cell phone after only two rings. "Hey Lance, whets going on?"
"How did you know it was me?"
"A hotel room in New Orleans, who else would it be?"
"Good point. Joey... I.. need advice." "On what? I don't know that much about business Lance."
"No, its not business, a more personal subject."
"I take it we mean Jody?"
"Yeah, we uh... had a talk tonight and I'm not sure what to do."
Lance explained the events of the past 24 hours, right up until he watched Jody walk into the bar to try and forget his problems. Joey listened carefully and only asked small questions here and there. When Lance finished Joey softly laughed into the phone. "Nice job, Lance. I have been in some awkward positions in my life, and some weird relationships, but nothing compared to what you just said."
"Any ideas? ANYTHING?"
"Here is what you are going to do, because it is the best thing for you to do, and because I know how you are. You're going to go down to that bar and bring Jody upstairs so you know he is all right. Then, tomorrow, you are going to talk to him, and work out how you feel with him, because you don't want to let this go."
"But, I don't know how I feel."
"Sure you do, you like him, a lot, and you want something more than this, just like him."
"Joey..."
"Lance, shut up, go downstairs and make sure your soon to be man is alright."
Lance sighed and stared at the window hoping to find the answers outside in the dark sky. But they weren't there. "Alright, Joey. I'll try this, but if I fuck it up its your fault, too."
"I can deal with that. Now go!" And he hung up. His words were still settling on Lance's brain when he finally made his way downstairs. He paused outside the bar; hoping maybe Jody wasn't there and he wouldn't have to go through this. But when he walked in he could see Jody sitting at the end of the bar, drinking a cup of coffee and lost in his own world.
Lance walked up to the bartender and quietly asked him how much Jody had drank.
"Not much, he order a beer at first, but threw it away after like two drinks and asked for some coffee, he did say something about being tired of the numbness." Lance thanked him and approached Jody slowly, like you would approach a wild animal even if he were in a cage.
"How you feeling?" It was all he could think to say to get Jody's attention.
"I think I can feel the hang over starting already." Jody replied, but his eyes never left the bar.
"So, think you're sober yet?"
"Why, want to turn me down again? I can still remember the last time."
Lance sighed. This wasn't going to be fun for him. "Do you trust me?"
"I let you handle my career, what do you think?"
"Not with that, as a friend."
"Yeah, why? What are you getting at?"
"After New York I read up on your band some. I noticed that you always liked to play this song "Dead Bodies Everywhere"(2) or something at the end of shows. When I read the lyrics I figured it was just you working out some angst on the crowd. But, when I saw you sing it..."
"You caught a show?"
"Yeah, in St. Louis in May. I was in Little Rock at the time so it wasn't that bad of a trip. I made Justin go with me. But, back to the point, when I saw you sing that song, it was like you were reliving something."
"Yeah..."
"What were you reliving?"
"Jesus. The day my mom died my aunt, whom I could never get along with, told me I had always disappointed my mother. She told me that again the day I signed the first record contract. For some reason, I can see where my mom would be disappointed. She never expected much of me except to be a middle class working man, and not spend my life on the road in a band, she would have seen it as a waste."
"Maybe she would have been proud."
"Why did you ask about that of all things?"
"Why did you always runaway from me?"
"I was scared. I have a tendency to hurt people- you don't deserve that."
"You were scared. I always figured you were afraid of what a relationship with a pop star might do to your career."
"If you remember, I pretty much put a bullet in the head of my career. When I wanted a new one I came to you."
"True. Are you sure your sober? Your not this open most of the time."
"What the hell is going on? I mean you pretty much laugh me off earlier, and then you come down and question my past, now you want to know why I'm being so open with you? I'm confused and I'm not exactly in the mood for this right now."
"Can we go upstairs we need to talk, in private?" The bartender was moving closer to them and all he needed was some one else to run the risk of fucking this up.
Jody agreed, though hesitantly. They walked out of the bar and made it to the elevator in complete silence. Lance watched the number light up as they made their way up and Jody watched Lance. Nothing was quite clear to him now. Maybe he wasn't as sober as he thought.
They arrived on their floor and went into Lance's room, still never breaking the silence. Jody made himself comfortable in a chair near the window and waited for Lance to begin. Lance, however, was busy pacing the floor, and searching for the words he wanted to say next.
He ended up close to Jody, standing by the window. He watched Jody's reflection in the glass for a few moments before he spoke. "You know, it's hard for me to want to try anything with you after the start we had. I agreed to manage you and even started to think of you as a friend. But I always promised things would never go any further because I didn't think I could trust you." He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands again. "Now I'm not sure what I'm thinking. But I know there is something between us, there has to be, otherwise we both wouldn't have allowed ourselves to get into this situation. But I think, no, I know I have to know what it is."
Lance looked up and saw that Jody's reflection had moved closer to him. By them time he could turn around Jody was standing face to face with him. Jody took the initiative, something he rarely did in any relationship, and leaned forward. His lips softly brushed over Lance's. He didn't feel Lance returned any affection and hand begun to back off when Lance caught his face with his left hand and slowly pulled him back into another soft kiss. When Jody opened his eyes he could feel the grin spread across his face and the one reflecting on Lance's face, and it felt good.
(1) 3 Libras by A Perfect Circle One hell of a song. (2) Dead Bodies Everywhere by Korn nice song when you're in the mood for it.
I know this is really long, and quite boring I'm sure, but I think I need it to set up what I have planned for the story. Coming up -- Dating? Recording an album? Balancing two bands? I don't know... Feedback is welcome though! downlikeastone@msn.com J I think I need an editor, it takes way to long for me to find my mistakes, and then after I submit it and go back and look I always find so many more...