Where Are You

HOLA PEEPS!!

WOW. Never thought I'd hear from so many of you.

I mean, from as far as Italy, the USA, Australia, Scotland, Malta...THANK YOU!!

Y'all stay safe out there, Ryan

WHERE ARE YOU CHAPTER FOUR

"Tyler, I just told you, I loved you. I have totally fallen in love with you, and you know I'm not lying. Please, don't you lie to me now."

Tyler was still wiping his tears at his discovery and his emotions was getting worse by the second after hearing Zack, or should it be...Zachary...'s begging for him to finally come out and tell him the truth.

"Look, I am seventeen years old here, and I can't remember about twelve years of it. I look at those pictures every day, I stare at them, for years and years, forcing myself to remember something, anything, that I see on there. But there's nothing. NOTHING! Tyler, Tyler, please. If you know something, you have to tell me. I'm on my knees here, look, there...look at me! On my knees! I'm literally begging you!"

Tyler sniffed.

His heart and head was aching, pounding at the severity of that he was facing by telling Zack what he wanted to hear. He suddenly had all these sirens going off inside his brain. He was literally within a Catch 22 now...just like he was on that fateful day, nearly four years ago...

If he tells Zack what happened, the latter would most probably have an epiphany or some sort...or most likely a start on his way to finally get some of his memories back which were wiped out by that awful, disgusting, horrible fall he had to his head...

...but then, in the same magnitude, he'd have to tell Zack that HE...Tyler Johnson...the same boy who Zack now claimed to have fallen in love with, was the one who pushed him to said fall...

Tyler closed his eyes, he could still see, smell and feel the fear that had spread through him that afternoon...as Pax and Tipp who dished out the vast majority of the bullying and assault to Zachary...how they had just...just left him and didn't care about anyone except themselves.

Tyler prayed to God to forgive him. He couldn't tell Zack everything. He just couldn't! He loved Zack, just as much as Zack loved him. He was crazy about the guy, long before had known, the muscular, sexy, beast that was Zack Garrett was in reality, the timid, spectacled little boy, Zachary Palmer.

No wonder Tyler didn't recognise him. Or had made the connection. The two looked nothing alike. At all. You had to stare at Zack an awfully long time to make out any of the features, that the little thirteen year old boy in the photo's on the Palmer's sideboard had on his boyish face.

There were few, but they were there. Question was...why change his name, and last name?

Tyler recalled how Zack told him, after the accident, his father had pushed him to train, to get more muscular, and he actually took his son to the gym nearly every day of the week...of course...it was to toughen Zachary up! Because of the accident and the bullying!

God...why did everything seem so...clear and obvious, now?

Zack was still on his knees, and if Tyler still had any doubts that the boy, which had been on his mind, inside his dreams, haunting him for four long years, was indeed, Zachary Palmer...there was no doubt anymore. Those eyes that was begging him now, was the same eyes that begged him four years ago, to allow him to get past, to get away from Pax and Tipp. Those eyes were embedded in his brain for eternity.

Tell the truth...the voice inside Tyler's head said...

If you do...you'll lose him...replied the voice inside his heart.

His eyes flashed open in determination.

He had made his decision.

**

Tyler walked over towards Zack, who was still kneeling on the floor. He gently reached down and took both of his boyfriend's wrists inside his own and pulled him up, proving a little more than difficult as Zack was so heavy and tall.

God...those eyes...it was killing Tyler.

"Let's go outside, okay? I need some air."

Zack sighed and, still holding Tyler's hand, he led him to the outside backyard of the Palmer's home. It wasn't difficult to see why Zack looked, the way he did. There was gym equipment placed like, everywhere, stacked in an orderly manner. Weights piled up next to each other. A basketball hoop stuck on the door of the garage. A huge swimming pool where Tyler could visualise Zack had spent many hours in, considering his lanky, yet muscled build.

This was crazy...imagine him facing Paxton and Tipp now...it would be a whole new ball game...they'd be licking stamps if they could see the boy they had bullied so mercilessly, at this point and time.

Zack sat down on the side of the pool, with his legs dangling inside of the water. He looked at Tyler, with much more than just, expectation.

Careful, not to fall in, Tyler plonked down next to his best friend, boyfriend...what ever they were. He only hoped, inside his heart, that he have made the right choice.

For everyone.

**

"I know what happened to you."

He could hear Zack's breathing quicken, just a tad. He placed his hand on his boyfriend's knee to keep him calm.

Before he could speak, he felt Zack's hand on his own, and he entangled the two. He could feel Zack squeeze his hand palm in encouragement.

"Uhm...I actually saw the whole thing happening...back in the seventh grade, there was a gang of bullies in middle school. The leader was called Paxton, or Pax for short. Ring a bell?"

Zack slowly shook his head in a regrettable no, but he didn't say anything.

"You gotta understand, if you weren't in with Pax and his gang, you were a nobody. You didn't go against him. That's just how it was. They were the kings and others were just...well, crap."

"...and no one did anything? No one stood up against them?" Zack whispered, looking at the water inside the pool floating and gliding across his feet.

Tyler literally cringed.

"If only you could remember...those were hard times. Pax had connections outside of school, he was pure evil in human form, and I wish I was joking when I say that. His best pal Tipp, wasn't that far off, either. They were inseparable. You simply didn't...if you told your parents about what they did, they would simply deny the bullying. Now, Pax had a girlfriend, called Beyonce. That little girl you have your arm around in the photo? You're wearing `best friends' necklaces?"

"Wait...so I was her bestie, and this Pax dude didn't like it? But...I have been gay ever since I can remember...didn't he know this? Or wasn't I out at thirteen? Wasn't that the reason I was bullied?"

Tyler gripped Zack's hand tight, letting him know, he was there, it was okay.

"You and Beyonce were friends from Kindergarten. Pax couldn't stand that. There were rumours about you being gay, but nothing concrete. Anyway, the week you were injured, Beyonce had become sick, and she asked you to bring her, her homework after school for three days. It was that last day, that it happened."

"Tyler...How do you like, know all this? Were you part of this gang?"

Nail on the hesd, Zack. Nail on the fucking head.

Forgive me, buddy...I can't do this...

**

"I was. I'll admit it. But, it was only for protection. They way I saw it, if I wasn't with them, I was against them. I saw what they did to kids. To you. I'm sorry, Zack. But I just...I couldn't. Call it the mind of a thirteen year old. I knew it was wrong, but I did nothing to stop them."

A silence filled the back yard as the water inside the pool began to slightly flutter with the sudden breeze of wind blowing through the Palmer's pool.

"Go on," was all that Zack said.

"I overheard Pax and Tipp whispering...those two...and another boy...they were going to `get' you that afternoon. To teach you a lesson. I followed them, I knew it was wrong, but...I saw them cornering you. I saw Pax hit you in your stomach repeatedly whilst Tipp held your arms. There was nothing you could do. And then..."

"...and then what...?"

"...and then you kicked Paxton in his nuts."

"Really? I was a little runt in those pictures...how the fuck did I do that... ?"

"You had Karate training for a few weeks. Probably your dad again trying to toughen you up against the bullying."

"So how did I hurt my head, if I was in control of the fight?"

Tyler squeezed Zack's hand yet again. He gently caressed Zack's knuckles with his thumb.

Please God...forgive me...

**

"You kicking Pax in the nuts scared the living shit out of you. I guess you realised what would happen in revenge, if they caught you. You sped off and ran straight into a side street. Only..."

"Tyler? Only what?" Zack demanded, his hand inside Tyler's slowly, but surely, divulging into a full on fist

Tyler swallowed. Hard. He cleared his throat.

"Only Paxton had a kid waiting there, in case you got away. You thought you were running towards safety. The kid...well...shit...he told me, like, afterwards, that he wanted to help you, he desperately wanted to protect you, because he KNEW, he KNEW, what they were doing was wrong. The idea of Paxton taking revenge scared him too much...he couldn't decide...and I guess, you decided that I...I mean the kid, wasn't gonna help you. So you laid into him. You gave as good as you could."

"My hesd hurts..." Zack mumbled.

"You okay? You wanna stop?"

"NO! Tell me...so I jumped on this kid standing in my way to get away from Paxton, and then...what?"

A tear dripped down Tyler's cheek.

"The kid tried to defend himself. He pushed you backwards. But Zack, my God, at thirteen, you were literally just skin and bones. He...probably didn't realise how much force he had used."

As he spoke, each image inside Tyler's brain was like a full play by play. His chest burned with every word...

"You stumbled backwards. You slipped over your feet. You fell head first onto the pavement. You didn't move. Jesus, Zack, there was so much blood... "

Tyler couldn't look Zack in the eye. He had just told a full blown ass lie to the boy he loved.

Everything was true, except for who did the pushing.

"When they were all gone, I mean, they just left you there, I called the paramedics, because my dad was one back then. They came and found you. That's all I know."

Zack stood up. It looked like he was having a severe headache as he held his forehead inside both of his hands. He was slowly walking to his right, changing direction into his left, his right again, his left once more before he turned towards Tyler in fierce anger...

"WHY? WHY didn't you tell me all this ages ago? We've known each other for nearly four months!"

"Zack, please understand, you look NOTHING like the Zachary Palmer that I knew! That kid was a scared little boy afraid of his own reflection! And here you are four years later and you're the absolute, complete opposite? Plus, you called yourself Zack Garrett! How was I supposed to know?"

There was a vein near to Zack's temple that looked like it was just about ready to pop...

"Four years, Tyler! Four years, I lost because of bullies! Because I was friends with the girlfriend of the leader? That's enough reason to bash my fucking skull in?"

"Zack, calm down ..."

"HOW? TELL ME! I can't remember ANYTHING! Where is this, Pax and Tipp fuckers now? Those bullies? Where the fuck are they?"

"Relax, they are in reformatory schools, far away from here. "

"What about the other fucker? The one who pushed me?"

**

"I...don't...know, Zack. I can't even remember his name..."

Tyler hated what he was doing. He loved Zack. He had only gotten him back after wondering for four whole years where he was, if he was okay, if he was happy...at that point he didn't care if he was selfish, or if he was lying.

He loved, and cared for Zack too much to lose him.

You do strange things when you're in love. We all know that.

"You could have told my parents what you saw! Why didn't you?" Zack demanded.

Tyler stood up and joined Zack where he was still pacing back and forth, frantically. He tried to hug him, but Zack scurried away from him, like he was infected with the corona virus. It felt like knife had pierced his heart, seeing Zack reject him.

"Look...Tyler...I...I dunno what's gonna happen with us. I love you, I can't just forget that, but right now, dude...I can't even look at you. You knew how desperate I was to know my past. You knew EVERYTHING and you kept quiet? Please, just go. Please."

"Zack, don't do this.. "

"I SAID GO! NOW! FUCK...OFF!"

Tyler felt so lost. So hurt. So bitterly disappointed and sad. It was over. All over.

"I love you, Zack..." he whispered, his heart breaking with every word.

Tyler walked towards the kitchen and finally, inside, he saw the elusive front door he couldn't find earlier.

Zack now knew what had happened. The fall to the head, explaining his epilepsy. His memory loss. All of which was Tyler's fault. And he would never, ever forgive himself for that.

**

His tears was so much that he couldn't see straight. He slipped off the pavement he was walking on many times as his legs wouldn't keep him upright. He felt he had nothing left, nothing to live for. He had lost the boy he loved...who ever thought he would find little Zachary Palmer attractive...

Tyler wasn't drunk...but it felt like it. It was dark out, he was still a decent way from home. He smiled ruefully...who was he kidding?

He deserved everything he got. From pushing Zack four year ago to falling in love with him, to blatantly lying to him only moments ago, trying to save his own ass. And where had it gotten him? He still lost Zack!

Tyler had to cross the road in order to cut through the park to get home. He didn't even bother to look where he was going, never mind if there was any oncoming traffic.

As he stepped out onto the road, in his petrified, disgruntled state, he saw the speeding car and the bright lights coming towards him.

Maybe it was better...maybe this was his punishment...maybe now, Zack...Zachary...would get some justice...

As he felt the car hit him from behind, it actually for a moment, felt like he was flying. He would finally be released, relieved from all the guilt, all the pain, all the nightmares...all the hurt and negativity.

Make all the monsters go away...

Tyler never felt his body hit the tarred, concrete road with a massive thud, like it did in reality. He was unconscious before he could.

**

"Tyler! Fuck! No!"

With a shriek and a cry from deep inside his own throat, the driver of the car stopped rapidly, the breaks hurting under the sheer velocity of the rimming's, and got out of the car.

"Noooo...holy shit...no! Tyler! Tyler, wake up!"

The driver knelt down and touched Tyler's neck to feel for a pulse. It was faint, was still there. Thank God...Tyler was still alive.

Barely.

"You're gonna be okay, just hang on, yeah? You're gonna be fine, I'm sorry...I'm so, so sorry..."

The driver searched for his phone inside the pockets of his ripped jeans, and immediately dialled 911.

"My name is Zack Garrett. There has been an accident. I hit my boyf...my best friend with my car! I'm in Eastbourne Avenue, just across from Stanley Park! Hurry, please, he's not moving!"

Zack once more knelt in front of Tyler, his face drenched with tears, and his body aching with sorrow and regret...why did he just take his car and decided to drive off? He needed to vent away from everything but was this all necessary?

Poor Tyler...

"Just hang on, okay? I love you so much, you're my whole fucking world...please don't leave me...please..."

His tears fell on Tyler's chest as he cried his heart out for what he had just done to his beloved boyfriend. The guy he was absolutely nuts for. He had never, ever before felt anything even CLOSE to the adoration and care, that he did for Tyler.

Eventually, he could hear the classic sirens of the ambulance getting closer and closer.

He stood up and ran into the middle of the road, where he could easily be seen. As they stopped with a screeching halt, Zack was there immediately.

"Please be careful with him, he fell down really hard..." he begged the paramedics, his chest heaving and his voice sore as fuck. As if in a dream, he saw how they gently moved Tyler from where he had laid on the tarred road, to a gurney and finally, inside the ambulance.

He got inside the ambulance with the paramedics as they drove to hospital. Fuck his car. He could always get another one eventually...whereas he couldn't replace Tyler.

Not for any money in the world.

**

His eyes fluttered open.

Wow...is this what heaven looked like?

"Tyler! Tyler! Nurse, he's awake!"

Tyler heard the powerful voice and recognised it immediately.

"Z...Zack..." he managed to croak out of his tired vocal chords.

"Tyler...I'm here, okay? I'm right here, and I ain't going anywhere. I promise. God, I'm so sorry...for everything...I...it was me...I'm the reason you're here ..."

Tyler only registered about 30%, of what was said, before he sunk back into yet another dreamless sleep.

**

Two weeks had past. The school's undefeated soccer record for the under 17 team had been shattered, due to Zack and Tyler not playing. The team decided to forfeit the matches during the time their two team mates were not able to play, in solidarity.

Tyler himself, was feeling much better. It was a miracle that he had only a broken arm to show for his trouble. His cuts and scrapes had healed, as did the hematoma on his head. How he had walked away from an accident like that with only a minor injury was surely a gift from God.

Kyle and Lenny were frequent visitors, much to the agitation of the young female nurses. As you could expect, with those two horny teenage boys and their hormones on red alert, they weren't scared to voice their appreciation.

It was during one of those evenings, where both of his friends had stayed for pudding, as the nurses begrudgingly, allowed Kyle and Lenny to have some jello and custard with him, that Tyler decided to come clean.

However, he was stopped before he could confess anything. He had a whole speech planned which went to shit in seconds.

"Lemme guess, pal. You're in love with our boy Zack?" Kyle said, swallowing some custard.

Tyler nearly spat out his jello.

"Bro...relax. To be honest, we kinda suspected it a while back, but Lenny here had the great idea that you should tell us yourself, "Kyle said, finishing his jello and licking out the bowl with his bare tongue.

"So...what? You guys are okay with this?"

"Would we be here if we weren't? Dude...you like dudes. We like girls. That doesn't change the fact you're still Tyler Johnson. Our soccer captain. Our buddy, and our bro. Or...wait...have you checked me out in the showers over the years?" Lenny said, his eyes suddenly as wide as saucers.

Tyler choked back a laugh.

"Okay, I'll admit. There was a time where I fancied...you, Kyle, BUT it's over now. I'm kinda crazy about Zack and that's not gonna change soon."

Kyle had a smug look on his handsome face as he pointed a "L" shaped sign towards Lenny.

"Oi wait a second! What's Kyle got that I haven't?" the former said, frowning as he did so.

"A big dick?" Kyle murmured and all three of them burst out laughing.

Tyler was so relieved. This, this is what he had feared most of all. Being rejected by his teammates and best friends for simply being who he was.

A knock on the door was heard, and suddenly Zack's handsome face appeared around said door.

"Hey guys, what up? I was just...well, I thought Tyler could use some company..."

"They know, Zack. I told them," Tyler said, his face happy as Larry to see his boyfriend for the first time that day.

Zack blushed more red than any of the boys had ever seen him.

Kyle stood up and stood face to face with Zack. It was a sheer mismatch, my God. Zack dwarfed Kyle's body but it was sooooo funny.

"You mess him up, his best bud here will fuck YOU up!" Kyle solemnly said to the more muscular boy.

"Kyle, you can't even fuck your dick up," Lenny teased and once more boyish snickers and laughter could be heard inside the hospital room.

"Kyle, I give you my word. You guys may not understand it, but...I love this dude. I love him with my whole heart. I'd do anything for him..." Zack said, smiling his killer smile as he faced Tyler.

"Fuck about bro, don't start to fucking cry, Lenny, let's give the love birds some privacy. God, when big boys cry I get weirded out big time," Kyle stated with mock disgust on his face.

Lenny stood up and fist bumped both Tyler and Zack before they finally left the room. Outside, Zack could still hear Kyle flirting with one of the nurses. Lord have mercy.

**

"You okay?" Zack asked softly as he sat next to Tyler and took hold of both of his hands inside both of his own.

"You're here. I'm great," Tyler replied, turning on his side to face his boyfriend.

"Look, Tyler, I've never...I never had the chance to say I'm sorry in person. Your folks were here all these days, the team, Kyle and Lenny...we've never really been alone."

Tyler reached out carefully, with his healthy arm, and he caressed Zack's wavy blond hair.

"I should have told your parents what really happened. But...I guess when Beyonce and the other girls backed up Pax's story, there was no point. The teachers stopped talking about you, there was no news in the papers, you just...disappeared. And when you came back, no one knew you were Zachary Palmer. If I didn't see your driver's licence, I still wouldn't have known."

Zack leaned forward and kissed Tyler's knuckles.

"I was so angry. I didn't even care...that night I just got into my car and drove off...I could have killed you, Tyler..."

"Stop that. Please. If you only knew..."

Tyler felt like shit. Zack was killing himself because he knocked him down with his car, but he didn't know...that it was Tyler, and not some other kid that he made up...that pushed Zack so hard as a little boy, he fell down and hurt his head so bad, he was suffering now, from epilepsy and memory loss.

"...if I only knew what?" Zack murmured, looking up at Tyler.

I'm a coward, Tyler thought. But if that's what it took to keep Zack in my life...I'm sorry...I can't lose him. I've only just found him...sigh.

"...if only you knew that I'm so in love with you, it actually hurts when you're not with me..." he eventually improvised.

He wasn't lying. What he said, was the solemn truth.

"I haven't kissed you in two weeks..." Zack whispered, looking nervously over his shoulder at the nurse's station.

"What's stopping you?" Tyler dared him.

"Those nurses Kyle were flirting with...know what? Fuck them!" Zack smirked and leaned forward to kiss his boyfriend.

Both boys sighed inwardly. Their chemistry was off the charts, they belonged together in every, every sense.

Both were males, it didn't matter. When you have no much in common, so much respect, and so much love for the other, gender flew out the fucking window.

Zack released Tyler's lips, and kissed his forehead.

"Wish I could stay..." he whispered, nuzzling his face against the other boy's.

"Soon, babe. Soon. I'll be out next week. We have games to win on the pitch!" Tyler said, his voice dripping of the sheer happiness he felt.

Long after Zack had gone, Tyler was still processing.

How in the world did little, nerdy Zachary Palmer morph into the powerhouse, Zack Garrett? He now knew "Garrett" was Zack's middle name and the reason for the name chance was due to all the bullying...but still ...it was so weird, and so incredible that he finally had answers to his questions.

One day, when they were physically and emotionally stronger, he will tell Zack the truth. That it was he, that pushed him. That it was he, that damaged him so badly.

Zack couldn't know, not now. Not yet. It just wasn't the time.

Not when everything was so, so perfect.

**

"Kyle, over here!"

Kyle's near perfect pass found his best bud and Tyler was speeding off. He was sheer tearing down on goal, before he was suddenly and unexpectedly fouled by the opposition.

"What the fuck was that?" Zack arrived and pushed the other team's boy off Tyler in sheer anger.

"Sorry bro, I didn't mean to hurt your boyfriend..." the opposing boy sneered.

"Zack, he's an idiot, leave him alone. We have a penalty anyway," Tyler said as he bumped Zack's chest with his fist.

Zack reluctant gave up the stare down comp he had going on with the bigot idiot, took the ball from Tyler, and walked away to take the penalty.

"Aren't you on penalty duties, bro?" Lenny asked Kyle as they walked away to allow Zack to take said pen.

"I have thirty-two goals for the team. Zack only has two. He needs this. Trust me," Tyler responded. He had full trust in his boyfriend.

The team had taken to Tyler and Zack dating like fishes out of water. They might not have liked guys in the same way, but they were mature enough to know, you didn't choose who you loved. And as long both boys only had eyes for each other, which they clearly did, what was the problem?

The rest of the team positioned themselves around Zack as he was ready to take the resulting penalty.

Zack ran a hand through his sweaty blond hair and puffed out his chest.

The whistle sounded, giving the all clear to have the penalty taken.

Zack shot...

...he SCORED!

Oh yeah baby... 1-0 to the home team and Zack ran back towards his team mates to celebrate. He hugged and high fived, fist bumped and chest bumped his way through to Tyler, whom he lovingly jumped on!

Tyler shrieked with laughter as they both fell on the pitch, he giggled and squirmed as Zack started to tickle him...not thinking clearly, he carelessly PUSHED Zack off his body, ha-ha, he loved the guy but he was WAY heavier than him.

Tyler stood up and ran back towards the goal line, when he noticed that Zack didn't get up.

He was still on his back, where they had celebrated.

Oh no...Zack's epilepsy...he thought and signalled towards the ref to stop the game.

"Zack! Zack!" he yelled as he approached his boyfriend.

To his surprise, Zack slowly sat upwards, his arms resting on his knees, his face and especially his eyes, a million miles away.

"Oh thank God, I thought you were having another seizure ...come lemme help you up..."

"It was you..."

Tyler froze.

"Me? What do you mean?"

Zack looked upwards, directly into Tyler's colourless face.

"It was you. YOU pushed me. That day. Just like you pushed me off you a minute ago. You."

Tyler lost the last of colour he had left in his cheeks.

Zack looked like he was ready for murder.

"Yes...yes now I remember...I was...there was no other kid! It was YOU! I ran into YOU!"

Zack stood up with the speed of a ninja, and grabbed Tyler violently by his football shirt, my god, he looked ready to choke him!

"I begged you, didn't I? You saw they were coming for me! I was so damn scared of Pax and Tipp, I was ready to piss myself...and you, you just STOOD THERE!"

Zack pushed Tyler to the ground, and before Tyler could react, he felt something wet and chewy on his face.

He stared at Zack in sheer disbelief...he had SPAT on him...

"You made me feel guilty as fuck for nearly killing you, when you did the same thing four years ago! Whatever we had, this, it's over. We finish the game, and then you stay away from me."

Zack was halfway back to the goal line when he turned around once more...

"You don't know how much I loved you..." he said, before speeding off towards the other players.

THANKS FOR READING!!

Next chapter will be the FINAL one of this story. THANK YOU for sticking by me all these weeks xx

Please send me an email if you enjoyed it!

liciousryan@gmail.com