Where Can We Go From Here - CHAPTER 32
CHAPTER 32 -
"Where is Nick?" - someone asked.
"AJ took him home, I think. I don't know which one had a headache..." - Howie said.
"He is gonna miss the goodbye to Brian and Leigh! They will be out for ten days in a honeymoon!"
Howie shrugged.
"I'm sure Brian is gonna understand."
"Thank you." - Nick said taking his card to open his door. -"Bye, AJ." - he said when he finally got it opened.
"Bye? Are you crazy? You really think I'm gonna let you stay all by yourself? No way!" - AJ said approaching him to enter his room.
"AJ, no..." - Nick tried.
"Listen, I don't know what got into you at the wedding, you don't need to tell me whats wrong. Just let me in and let me talk a little with you. I already left Sarah at the party, she wouldn't come back after getting the bouquet Leighanne threw..." - AJ grinned before being serious again. - "I won't leave until I'm sure you are gonna be ok."
"Please, I wanna be alone, I have a headache." - Nick insisted.
AJ didn't reply, and by the look in his eyes Nick knew he wasn't giving up so easily.
"Ok." - Nick rolled his eyes and let them in, closing the door behind him.
They walked slowly and AJ sat on the sofa while Nick sat in front of him, on the floor.
"So, Nick... whats up, buddy?"
AJ's voice sounded so sweet... All Nick wanted was to be in his arms and let himself break down. All he wanted was a friend, any friend to hold him tight while he cried his heart, his soul over his lost love. Over Brian. But he didn't. He was tough.
"I don't know... I guess the surprise you guys pulled on REALLY surprised me." - Nick shook his head slightly.
AJ slid to the floor to be closer to him.
"Weren't you happy, Nick? You were saying how much of a cute couple Brian and Leigh were and..."
"No! Of course I was happy for my friend. It has always been Brian's dream to marry a girl like Leighanne."
"Then, whats the problem?"
"I don't know... I think... I guess I just expected Brian to tell me about it before everyone else. I wanted to know everything before, and I was the last to know!"
"But Brian's intentions were good, Nick."
Nick looked at his hands.
"I was the last to know... I felt amazingly silly with all this. I felt like a fool. I was left behind." - at least this he could say.
"I understand this made you sad, Nick. But I feel there is something else..."
"No.. there isn't really. I'm just with a monster headache that wasn't on my plans. And the loud music, those people talking... It just made me a little dizzy, I wanted to come home. I don't think Brian is gonna be mad. Like, c'mon! He is not even thinking about me!" - Nick laughed. - "He is not thinking of anyone. Right, J? What else a man is gonna think about to go in his honeymoon other than his wife? Brian won't care I wasn't there, he'll understand. I'm sure he'll be really busy tonight to even remember who was or not there to say him bye."
Nick laughed and AJ followed him.
"Yes... you are right. Brian will have wonderful ten days to be with his wife now. I'm gonna miss him." - he smiled.
"Me too." - Nick said.
Long minutes of silence went on. Nick began to see images crossing his mind. He wanted to be alone. Desperately...
"J... would you mind leaving me alone now? My head is throbbing so bad that I can't even pay attention to what you are saying." - Nick apologized.
"Ok, buddy." - AJ supported himself on Nick's knee to stand up and later they were both heading to the door. - "Are you sure you are gonna be ok, bro?" - AJ asked with serious eyes.
Nick grinned slightly.
"Yes, Kevin!" - he joked and they laughed. - "I'm fine. Just wanna sleep a little."
AJ nodded.
"Night, Nick."
"Night." - Nick said closing the door when AJ left.
He turned around and looked at his room.
Alone.
Nick crossed the living room.
Silence.
He walked in his bedroom and didn't turn on the lights. His head was killing him, he wanted to be in the dark.
He lied on the bed without making a sound.
He felt something burning in his nose as his eyes widened. His tears were hot... so hot that they burned the skin when they ran down his cheeks.
In a few seconds Nick was sobbing, his lips trembling, his eyes staring at nowhere. He felt cold. Never in his life he had been so lonely.
No family.
No friends.
No love.
No one there for him.
He took his hands to his face and kept a loud scream from coming up. His body was shaking, he was crying convulsively.
"Why did Brian do this?? Why?" - he cried alone in his dark room. - "I hate him! He made me a fool, everybody fucking knew it all the time! He wanted to surprise me! I hate him, I hate him! How could he do this? How...? Doesn't he have a heart? Does it make him happy knowing I was gonna suffer? Arriving at his wedding in the very day he told me he loved me? How could I be so fucking blind?"
Nick screamed. The tears were rivers down his face.
"Fuck him! Everybody knew! He fooled me! He lied to me the bastard! After everything, how could he lie, how could he do this...?" - Nick whined loudly burying his head into a pillow.
He thought he had been blind. He thought he hadn't seen. But it was there now. Every single scene of the wedding was taped with fire in his memory. The way Brian hosted them when they left the limo. The proud smile on his face talking about his wedding. Leighanne walking in the church. Yes, I do. Forever. The rings. The kiss. The music and the people. The smiles, the hugs, the lies. One last cry.
_
I was here. You were there. Guess we never could agree. While the sun shines on you. I need some love to rain on me. Still I sit all alone. Wishing all my feeling was gone. Gotta get over you. Nothing for me to do. But have one last cry. One last cry before I leave it all behind. I gotta put you out of my mind for the very last time, been living a lie. I guess I'm down, I guess I'm down, I guess I'm down... I guess I'm down... to my last cry. I know I gotta be strong coz round me life goes on and on and on and on... I'm gonna dry my eyes right after I had my One Last Cry...
_
Nick growled like an animal in pain. His heart broke inside his chest. He lost his friend, he lost his love, and more. He lost his soul. His own self.
Nick reached out for the radio and put it on the floor, next to his bed. He took a particular CD and played it. It was on the repeat button. Very, very low. He could hardly hear the song. As Long As You Love Me. Over and over.
The hot tears burned his face as he growled louder, screamed and cried, his headache so strong that was almost making him lose consciousness.
Nick whimpered and whined in need of what he lost. And what made him cry harder was something Brian told him.
_
"Nick... I really, really love Leighanne. I'm sorry for all this time I fooled you. I think... I think I was a little confused with our friendship. I'm so sorry... we sure need to talk with time when I get back from my honeymoon. But I love her... I married Leighanne because I love her."
_
Fooled. Betrayed. Could it be true? Didn't Brian ever love him? Nick sobbed and sat on his bed. His nose was running, his sore eyes wouldn't stop dropping tears down his cheeks. The world ended to him. If Brian never loved him then the most important thing in his life had been a lie. And cried harder. He cried because he was alive and it hurt too much.
Tonight it would be only Brian and Leighanne. Nick knew, of course he knew Brian and her had done it many times. But he never actually thought about it. It hurt him so much thinking Brian was making love to her, that he was giving himself to her... Nick always ignored it. But now... it was just impossible not seeing it. The whole night.
He could picture Leighanne smiling, coming on to him. He could picture Brian's eyes shining as he undressed his wife. He could see it all and he was so angry, with such hate and rage inside himself that he could only cry. There was nothing else he could do.
He lived a lie. He gave himself completely to someone that did this to him now. Look what Brian did! He married someone else without even telling him before!
At least if he had known... it would have been bad, but he wouldn't have been fooled! All these years Brian kept saying he was gonna find a way.
"No, Nick, I'll break up with her. No, Nick, you are the one I love, I just need time. Don't worry, baby, we are gonna be together." - Nick cried and mocked Brian's words. - "No, Nick, I really love her. I'm marrying this fucking bitch because I'm fucking in love with her! You see? I never loved you! Never! I'm sorry... I was confused with our friendship. FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" - Nick threw his pillow against the wall. - "I FUCKING HATE YOU BRIAN THOMAS LITTRELL, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET INTO MY LIFE? WHY THE HELL DID YOU USE ME LIKE THAT? WAS I A GOOD FUCK FOR YOU? JUST A SEX TOY? WAS THAT WHY YOU USED ME? TO HELL WITH YOU! I HATE YOU, HATE YOU! I love you..." - Nick sobbed and had to fight for air, he was panting.
His body still wouldn't stop shaking. Nick curled up in a ball and buried his head on the sheets, crying softly, whimpering, pleading, begging for this to be just a nightmare.
He knew this was gonna happen sometime, he couldn't understand what of a fool he had been! But why so soon? Why in the beginning of the month? He had been so happy yesterday! And now... now that it was done he would give everything to have one more day before it happened.
He just couldn't live. Brian was his everything! Brian was his friend, Brian was his family, Brian was his love. He said the words he needed to hear, he touched him right, he held him tight... Brian... he, he... he played basketball with him!
Brian was the only... the only one to him. Why did Leighanne have to take him? Why couldn't she take anyone else in this world? No one could ever need Brian the way he did. No one could ever love him the way HE did.
His furious cry calmed down. Nick never broke the stare at nowhere.
_
"Every little thing that you have said and done... feels like its deep within me... uh uhyeah. Doesn't really matter if you are on the run... its seems like we are meant to be... And I don't care who you are... where you're from... Don't care what you did... As Long As You Love Me..."
_
Nick was static. Looking at nowhere. Thinking about nothing and everything. Thinking about death. That was what happened to him. Brian had never loved him. Why did this happen?
He felt no more tears on his cheeks. His eyes were swollen, his breath calm. From time to time a sob would com from inside his throat and make him shudder.
What was Brian doing now?...
_
"I've tried to hide it so that no one knows, but I guess it shooouws... when you look into my eyes... What you did and where you coming from... I don't care... As long as you love me babe..."
_
Leighanne in the set of As Long As You Love Me.
"What do you think of her?"
_
"Who?"
"The blond."
"Which blond?"
"The one talking on the phone."
_
Too old for Brian.
"She is pretty hot. You should give yourself more credit, maybe she likes the sweet type of guy."
If he could go back on time.
If Brian hadn't kissed him in that dressing room.
If he hadn't been curious to do it again.
If they hadn't agreed in having a special friendship.
If they hadn't crossed that line.
If they hadn't fallen in love...
If... if... if...
Too late now.
When they told each other they were in love... The bliss they lived in. The love they shared. Where did this all go? Where would HE go now?
Nick was alone. He lost Brian. He lost everything.
So strong it had been the love it was now the pain. The pain he was feeling was so strong that was physical. His heart was aching, the tears began to drop again.
Nick took his hand to his chest and massaged the skin above his heart trying to relieve the pressure coming from the inside. It was hurting, it seemed as if his heart was swollen, and right now it was hard to breath.
Never in his life Nick Carter thought he would go through something like this. He didn't even realize his love for his best friend was that strong until today.
He loved Brian.
Simple like this. He didn't want to. He hated him too. But now... he couldn't actually hate him. But the fact that Brian never loved him... it was breaking his heart. Nick gave everything to him. Everything... Brian knew him better than himself. It wasn't fair he fooled him like that.
Thinking about this his eyes watered again and he whined, sobbing and crying like a child.
He had never cried because of love. His cry was as desperate as the one from a child that got lost in the supermarket. As painful as the cry from someone who lost a beloved. As sad as someone who has no friends and get excluded. This happens because love keeps inside all the feelings in this world. All the happiness and sadness. Nick knew the former part. He had lived the bliss. And now he was crying the second part. He was crying his loss.
He didn't sleep that night. The painful melody of As Long As You Love Me kept him up, like a knife straight into his chest, tearing his heart into pieces.
But he didn't care anymore. He didn't even remember having blinked. He didn't care about anything. If Brian never loved him there was no meaning. Everything he felt, everything he thought he knew had been wrong.
Hopeless.
Nick sniffed and dried his tears with the palm of his hand. He laid there. The world had stopped. What time was it now? No, he didn't care.
Brian was gone. He never loved him and Nick was damned forever. That was when he understood for the first time.
He could never love again.