This is sort of a late revision of the first two parts. A friend of mine helped me a lot. I am working on the third part now. Thanks folks.
I must say that you must be of legal age in your country to read it and that you must not be offended by gay sex, love between men and such things.
You may reach me for any comments at sirakskitnik@eudoramial.com
Thanks. Hope you like it.
About Part One:
If any of you expect from the first part to see love and sex. You will have to wait a little. This is just the beginning.
He dialled home. The answer tone came loud and clear -- once, three times, four... Come on, pick up the damn phone! He looked at his watch. Could she be in bed already? No, it was too early...
"Hi, Mom. You okay? No, just to say I'll be late tonight."
"Oh, not again! You work too much, David, dear! Shall I leave you some dinner in the kitchen?"
"No, Mom, thanks. Will take a walk, fresh air... Yeah, I will, bye.
"All right. And don't be too late. The night's cold... David?" he'd hung up.
He stared at his computer screen for a few minutes, winding down, before he clicked . That was all for today. Almost nine o'clock. How much longer could he go on like this? Why can't he go home at a normal time, like everybody! Wait! -- Go home, for what? Dinner? Hardly something to look forward to. Listen to his mother complaining about her boss and prices going up all the time? Not the best idea of how to spend the evening, right?
He stood up from his chair, checked to see that everything was locked and proper and went out to the office reception area. There, he stood in front of the big mirror and looked at himself. At 23, he didn't look bad at all. Not that he cared much about his looks, but it was good to know he wasn't ugly. Matter of fact, many found him charming! He gave himself a friendly smile. Standing at 5'10, he wasn't short, just normal for a guy... And yes, he knew that his eyes never failed to impress. Brown and sad, they would change colour with the surrounding light and the one that came from within. They were usually brownish-yellow in the morning; sometimes, there was a shade of green, but most of the time they were a flat brown. His hair, once soft and light brown, was almost black now with streaks of white. He smiled again: his colleagues teased him about it -- growing old and all... Yeah, he did feel old sometimes, though mostly tired, dog-tired. As if anybody cared!
Being gay and trying to hide it from the rest of the world wasn't the best way of living one's life. Yeah, he'd like to come out to his closest friends, the very few he had, but he was afraid he'd lose them. Was it worth the loss of a friend? He'd already been through something like that once, in the Army. Fuck! The Army, will he ever forget about it?...
He put on his coat, turned the lights off, turned the door alarm on, and got out. A walk in the cold October night wasn't the most pleasant of things but he wasn't rushing anywhere... where a kiss of welcome would be waiting for him. A kiss... Nobody had kissed him since the last time with Alex. Did he miss him, he wondered. What did he miss most? His friendship or the occasional sex they had? Not the friendship, hardly that! He liked him alright but didn't trust him like before, not anymore, not after he'd caught Alex use his ICQ number to 'check up' on his contacts!
Alex or anybody, he had given up all expectations, all hope of making friends with someone like him, never mind sex or love. He'd sent all those e-mails -- never got him any further than ICQ numbers and a few idle messages. Nobody ventured beyond the safe boundary of cyberspace out into the real world. Nobody wanted to be real. Did he? He wasn't sure. All he knew was that he needed someone close, someone to feel normal with. God, how much he needed that!
The streets were almost deserted. People hid their faces in their coats and hurried by without even looking up. There's a cute fella...
"Excuse me, any small change?"
"No, sorry, none."
He hated himself for it. The moment he said that, he was ready to spit in his own face. He turned back, the beggar-boy was asking some woman now... He felt the urge to rush back and: "Hey, buddy, here's some. What else can I do for you?" But he knew he'd never do it. He didn't have the guts to be himself. He was afraid that the other might guess -- by just looking at him.
He had long ago accepted his own sexuality. What was difficult to accept or even understand were those narrow-minded, unfeeling brutes who could make hell of his life and the lives of many like him? He'd lost so many friends in the Army because of that. There it goes again, the Army!
It was pitch-dark in the park. Once upon a time, the city had had enough money to pay for street lights. Not anymore; not for police patrols either -- it was a free country now! Anyway, he knew the paths by heart; what use would he have for more light, could it lighten up his heart? He walked on, speaking to himself aloud and answering back. In English! It was easier somehow, safer than his own language. The home truths he uttered didn't hurt so much...
"So, David, where are we going like that?"
"Home."
"What, again?! Don't you think you've got to change something? Okay, not something, just anything then!"
"Like what?"
"Look here, buddy, you did your national service full three years ago. It's over, okay? Why torture yourself with those memories? You won't let anyone near you! You need a friend -- go get him then!
"Cummon, you know I've been trying!"
"Ha! You call that trying! Take Alex, did you give him any chance?"
"That I didn't."
"Why not?"
"Don't know."
"Okay, I'll tell you why: you didn't really care for him. Sex is all you care about!"
"Oh, cummon! You know it's not true what you're saying!"
"No? Who are you trying to deceive here -- Me?"
"I... am not trying... anything of the sort!"
"And the Army?"
"What about it?"
"Nothing -- just stop thinking about it!"
"Yeah, easy!"
"Sure is! Wait a minute, what's so difficult to forget: the few times you were treated badly, or is it the cute boys that the barracks were full of?"
"What?! I can't believe you're saying this! Few times indeed!"
"Well, if you want my opinion, that kiss on his lips was more than John could handle. You should've known that!"
"But he liked it!"
"Yeah, so did you! But to feel him up under the covers was plain stupid!"
"Ah, that... well, what else could I do! He had this huge boner... God, it was huge!"
"See? You do remember then!"
"So what! I liked him, I still do. And I can't stop thinking about some other people either!"
"No you can't. And you don't jack off to the thought of them, do you?"
"Jesus! Have you forgotten?! The teasing, the torture at night, how they tried to put out a cigarette on my forehead!
"Well..."
"See! You do remember."
"Still, you must keep going! Look ahead, man, stop looking back!"
"Oh, shut up, will you! Had enough of you today!"
"But..."
"SHUT UP!"
Shit! Was he going crazy, talking to himself like that, as if he were two persons in one? And who was who? Once, he'd managed to work himself up into such a fight with that 'other' one that he didn't notice when he wasn't alone. An aged couple were staring at him with a knowing look. He checked himself and stared back. The couple exchanged a frightened look and walked away as fast as they could. He laughed at their backs; he didn't care what they thought of him -- after all, being crazy was okay; being gay was another matter!
Not again! No lights in the elevator. Elevators made him feel strange. Knowing that he was hanging in mid-air between the floors, every second farther away from the ground... He would imagine sometimes what would happen if he stepped into the dark elevator and there was no floor... The elevator bounced to a halt: here was home, at last!
"Mom... I am back, Mom."
No answer. Should there be any? The apartment was dark. As usual. Only the dim light of the TV, which his mother was watching in the living room, seeped through the glass pane of the door to the hallway. His sister wasn't home yet. God only knew where she was. Not that he cared much...
"Are you sure you won't eat?"
"Yes, Mom, I'm sure. I told you already. Will take a shower and go upstairs."
"Upstairs! You need some rest! Look at what time it is!"
"Yeah, I know, Mom. I still have a few things to finish."
"All right then. I'll be going to bed. Good night."
"Night."
Upstairs. The apartment building had a top floor of storage rooms, one to each apartment, that people still called 'the attic', much as they would refer to their apartment as 'the house', although dreary high-rise condos had long become the rule in residential areas. So, 'upstairs' was David's attic room. His true home, all his own -- the only place where he could be him. No need to act 'normal' up there! No need to worry what his mother would think... of only boys calling him on the phone, no girlfriends, no girls at all!... She'd tried to raise the subject several times but got no answer. Some things were better left unspoken. He would never, not for the world, come out to his mother!
Upstairs, that was the only place where the few friends he had could come and talk about everything... And his PC was there. His only possession, the only thing he'd taken years to save for. Before, he used to surf the Net on the office computer. He once made the stupid mistake of forgetting to clear the history of his Internet browser. Had to give explanations on the next morning -- some of the sites he'd visited were... God! He still didn't believe he'd managed to spin some pretty convincing yarn about the male cleaner they had tampering in his absence. It came that close!... And he never saw that cleaner again!...
The sound speakers gave a familiar twang and a cheerful yellow-red check mark appeared blinking in the lower right corner of the screen. "Hm, what's this? Request for authorisation? Funny! Who could that be?" -- A 'Sundial'? God, he'd almost removed him from his contact list the day before! The guy hadn't showed up for weeks -- one of those dead numbers he'd thought...
"Hi!"
"Hi!"
"Can't believe it!"
"What's that?"
"Well, your request for authorisation. I'd lost hope!"
"Didn't have Internet connection. How did you find my number?"
"Through your e-mail. Saw your add..."
...
"I'm Dave. And you?"
"Joseph... Have you got a pic?"
"Yep. You?"
"Sure. Trade?"
"OK"
"OK"
... What was he doing now? This Joseph guy lived 400 miles away! What's the use of... What the hell! He'd failed earlier with guys next door! Could as well give it a try...
He watched the progress bar reach the 100 per cent mark... Hm, let's see what we've got here!
"User is online," the speakers chimed. Oh, shit! Who was that now, interrupting the most thrilling part of a new contact! Alex?
"Hi, darling!"
"Hi, Al!"
"What are you up to? Breaking hearts again? :)))))"
"Yeah... if you'd only let me! I was opening the pic of a brand-new boy. Just got it."
"Is it worth it?"
"How should I know?! Let me see it first, okay?"
"Whoops, sorry!"
"You welcome!"
Wow! He watched as the picture slowly filled up the screen and he couldn't believe his eyes. Gazing at him was the cutest boy he'd ever seen. Ever! Like the ones on the covers of porn magazines, making you wonder if such kids were real, were really gay!...
"Hey, u still there?"
"Yes, I am. Just wondering..."
"bout what?"
"Is this really you?"
"Yeah, who else? :)
"Was wondering too..."
"What?"
"You look nice... was wondering if your Y-front is really that big :)"
"That matters?"
"Ahm, no, not really... just asking."
"Well, if I said yes, what would you do?"
"Ask you how big exactly :)"
"7 inch. Yours?"
"Same here... How fat's yours?"
"Oh, don't know... 2 inch, I guess."
"Sounds nice!
"Wanna see each other real time?"
"Yes! But how?"
"You come over."
"I'd love to, but..."
"Gotta go now, sorry!"
"Hey!!! Look, I'd really love to!"
"OK, talk about it tomorrow. Same time."
"Wait, I..."
IT: User is off-line.
Shit!... Now what?!