Why

Why? Part 25

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.

Thank you to the people who have written over the past several months complimenting the "Why" series and asking for a conclusion or at least more. Sorry to have taken so long to live up to my promises. As I did in another series, I'm jumping into the future. Now there's really no question it's fiction.

Oh my head. Where is this? My head. God I can't stand this.

"What? What? Who are you?"

"It's okay, sir. You're in the hospital. We're helping you."

Beautiful voice. I love that voice. It's an angel's voice.

"Can you hear me sir? It would help us if you would talk to us."

Okay, what do you want to know?

"Sir? . . . I don't know. I thought he was awake. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was talking in his sleep. Just delirium."

Can't you hear me? I can hear you. I love your voice. It's so soothing. Thank you. Thank you for taking care of me.

"I wish he could tell us more about what happened--if he can even remember."

What happened? What do you mean? What about what happened? Did you say "hospital"? Why would I be in a hospital? Are you sure? Is it this headache? Did something happen to my head?

"I'll be at the nurses' station if you need me. You staying here?"

"Yeah, for a few minutes. Just in case he wakes."

I AM awake. Why can't you hear me?

"I wish you'd wake up. I wish you'd talk to me. We might be able to help you more."

What can I do to make you hear me? Aren't I talking? Is this just in my head? Are YOU in my head? Are YOU real?

"Why would such a beautiful, talented man want to die?"

Die? Who said I want to die? I don't want to die--do I? I can't remember anything about dying.

"Don't you know how many people love you? But maybe that isn't enough, huh? Maybe strangers loving you isn't enough. Do you have anyone close to you who loves you? Who you love?"

STOP! Why are you saying all this stuff? What are you talking about? "Mmmm . . . "

"You do hear me, don't you? Shhhh . . . don't move around. I didn't mean to get you upset. Calm down. Everything will be all right."

Will it? Will you make it all okay? Please talk to me nice. I liked it when you talked to me nice. Please? "Please."

"Yes! Yes, I heard you. Please what, sir? What can I do to make you more comfortable?"

"Mmmmm . . . "

"Nurses' Station."

"Joyce, it's Ellen. He's not really awake, but he seems to be semiconscious. He seems to be responding to what I say. Let the doctor know, okay? I'm going to stay with him."

"Will do Ellen."

"Sir, your doctor is going to come and see you. I just wish you could wake enough to talk to us. To tell us more about what happened. To tell us how you are feeling."

Ellen. Hi Ellen. I'm sorry you can't hear me. I'm sorry.

"Doctor. He's not opened his eyes, but he has said a few words. I think he can hear when we speak to him."

"He may just not have the strength to respond yet. He was very close to death. It's probably taking every ounce of strength he has just to stay alive."

Me? Dead? Almost dead?

"Mr. Timberlake? Mr. Timberlake? Justin, can you hear me?"

Too loud! Please! Not so loud! "Ughhhhh . . . "

"Mr. Timberlake. We almost lost you. We need you to keep fighting for us. We need you to try to get better. It's going to take a while for your strength to come back. We'll do what we can. You have to keep trying. You have to want to live."

Want to live? I want to live! Don't I? Don't I? Did I do this? I can't remember. I can't remember.

Why? Part 26

Nice. That feels so nice. What is it? Mmmm . . . Nice. Cool. Wet. Love that feeling. "Mmmm . . . "

"Hey, you waking up?"

That voice again. Love that voice.

"I hope this will cool your head. Maybe it will help you feel better. Even wake up."

"Awake."

"Awake? Are you awake?"

"Mmmm . . . "

"Hey, take it easy. Don't rush."

"Okay?"

"Okay? Was that a question?"

"Mmmm . . . "

"Well, you aren't okay yet, but you should be in time. You were very sick. You ARE sick still."

"What?"

"What? Oh, what happened?"

"Mmmm . . . "

"Um, let's see, what should I say?"

"Truth."

"Oh, okay; I guess that's probably wise. Um, you were found at your home. You suffered a very severe electrical shock. We don't yet know what damage it may have done beyond the purely physical. You may have some memory loss. We'll have to do tests. I think you'll be with us for quite a while. If necessary, there may be some therapy time too."

"Mmmm . . . "

"Oh, I'm sorry; I shouldn't have told you all that I have. Please don't cry. It will get better. You're alive. That's the important part. You're alive. Please don't cry. I wish you would open your eyes. I wish you'd really wake up."

"Awake . . . "

"Okay. Maybe some music? Would that make you feel better?"

"Mmmm . . . "

Why? Part 27

"More tests?" I bet straight guys just melt when you smile at them. I'm NOT straight and I'm melting.

"You know the schedule."

Yes, please smile. I love that smile. "It's been almost two months. Are these physical or mental?"

"Physically you've been released. You're completely back to yourself--maybe even better."

"You work me a lot harder than I was working before." At least I think so.

"And you've made progress with your memory as well, right?"

"I guess." How would I know? I can't remember. "I mean, I remember everything since the . . . since it happened. And some things before. It's just so weird."

"It's hard to predict how such injuries will affect a person. We don't understand the brain." Didn't I just hear that in some sci- fi movie? "And it could affect one person differently than the next. Where is your memory at this point?"

"Where? Lost, remember?" I love your laugh. I almost wish I hadn't remembered that I was gay. "I remember my childhood. That made my mom happy."

"Has she been in to see you lately?"

"She's back in Florida, thank God. I mean, I know she means well and all, but still. She'd just stare at me like she was expecting me to suddenly start spouting memories. I'm not sure what I was supposed to do. Recite my life to her? Maybe sing it, huh? My life in song."

"These situations are hard on everyone concerned." Yeah, tell me about it. "I'm sorry, that was pretty stupid of me--this isn't news to you. You know all this better than I or anyone does."

"That's okay." Mainly cause I still like your smile. "I'm glad you're seeing me through this."

"Hey, I'd been thinking about leaving the hospital for a long time. This is a great first job. Who knows where it could lead."

"Oh, you going to put ads in Variety or something? Nurse for forgetful celebrities?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. No, I didn't mean it that way." You are SO cute when you are embarrassed. "I just mean it was a good job period. And good experience for the future."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you a hard time."

"So how is the memory going? Or coming. Or whatever I should say?"

You ARE cute. "Um, childhood is back. Adolescence is coming, I guess. I've been reading all those magazines and books and watching all those vids of NSYNC. Do you think it's to my advantage or disadvantage to have my whole life recorded for the whole world to see?"

"I think we know enough to know that your WHOLE life wasn't public knowledge."

Ah, the discussion of me being gay. "I guess not."

"Are you guessing or do you know?"

Guess I have to say it first, huh? "Meaning the gay thing?" God, I'm 35 years old and I actually said "the gay thing"? How embarrassing. "How old are you?"

"What?" Oh that laugh. "Where did that come from?"

"Sorry. My mind was going in a couple directions at once." Hold it together Justin. This woman gets to vote on whether you're crazy or not.

"Yes, I was speaking in reference to your sexual orientation. And my age is 28."

"Thanks--for both of those. I was just wondering about your age in comparison to mine."

"And whether I had been one of those girls that was in love with you?"

Oh God--I didn't mean that. "No, um, no, um, I was just wondering about how close you are to my age. You know, if you've experienced the same amount of life and all."

"I didn't mean to embarrass you. Oh, sorry, that made it even worse."

Do you read minds too? "It's okay. I'm good at getting embarrassed."

"Amazing with the life you've lived."

"Hmmm . . . I guess. Maybe that's part of what I don't remember."

"Back to the other questions. Your sexual orientation remained a secret during all of the NSYNC years. I suppose you wanted it that way. I'm also assuming that you yourself DID know during those years."

"Hmmm . . . I don't know. I mean, I guess so. I haven't regained all those years yet. According to the stuff I've been reading, I was involved with Britney."

"You DO know you can't believe everything you read, right? And I'd assume when it comes to information on celebrities that it's even more true. You had us little girls fooled though. It tore at our hearts to both love Britney and feel such jealousy of her."

"Ha! Sorry about that."

"It's okay. You haven't even asked if I was a JC girl or a Justin girl!"

"Oh God--NOW I'm going to be embarrassed for sure!"

"I know, that was unfair. So where are you with your memory?"

"Hey wait! You have to tell me now. JC or me?"

"You have a wonderful laugh. You haven't been using it nearly enough these past couple of months."

"I haven't been using it enough for a lot longer than that."

"Really?"

"How did I know that?" How DID I know that? DO I know that? KNOW that?

"You may or may not be remembering that correctly. Hopefully you'll know soon."

"You were obviously a JC girl or you wouldn't have put off answering me."

"OR I might be a Justin girl and not want to embarrass you further."

"You are good." And driving me crazy!

"Do you look at your communications?"

Oh not this, please. "Um, what do you mean?" Lame, Justin, lame.

"You get a lot of communiqués. Not just all those good wishes from fans. You get messages from your friends. Current and past. Do you view them?"

"I have a few."

"Do you find them painful?"

"Painful? Not sure that's the right word. Challenging might be better."

"But you are avoiding them."

"Yes, I guess I am. It's just that I don't know these people. Not anymore. Not at this point in my life. I may or may not remember things from the past. Definitely not the recent past. You know how hard it was with my mom to try and get past 15 or 20 lost years."

"Yes, I do. I guess I was just thinking they might help you remember. You know? One day you might be ready."

"Yeah, one day." Someday. Someday when I know what really happened. Who I loved or didn't love or whatever. Who still cares about me. Who I hurt too much for them to ever care about me again. Or who hurt me so much I shouldn't forget. "I just need more information first, I guess."

"Is there anyone you feel you can trust? Someone who could tell you what you've lost?"

"I'm just not sure. And it's way too scary to be that open with anyone. To be in a situation where they know all and I know nothing."

"I'm sorry it's so scary to trust."

I trust you. Should I? Is that safe? "Maybe someday, huh?"

"I hope so. Listen, I have to bring up something else. I hope it won't be painful."

Oh good, what now? "Um, go ahead, I guess."

"Since you have received a clean bill of health--physically-- there's really no reason for you to continue to stay at this facility. We could probably work out something, since money isn't really a question. I hope you don't mind my saying that."

"No problem. I guess I don't even know what my money situation is."

"The way I understand, there's no worry there. This isn't really an area I should be talking about, I guess."

"No, please don't back off. I need you. I know you're trained as a nurse or medic or whatever, but you know you already do more than that for me. You talked about trust a while ago. You're the closest thing to someone I trust that there is." Oh God, I'm about to cry. I don't want to cry in front of her.

"You honor me with those words."

Thank you for ignoring my tears. "Mmm." Just don't expect me to turn around for a few minutes. "Um, so, if you aren't in too much of a hurry to see what other jobs this opens for you . . . "

"Justin . . . I'm in no hurry to go anywhere."

Thank you God. "That's good. I'm glad." Now I'm really going to cry.

"Um, back to this place. You've been out of the hospital for a month. You don't need to be here either. You don't need the physical therapists anymore."

Change. Do you have any idea how scary that is? "Um, I don't know. Where would I go?"

"You could go home."

"Ugh."

"Does that scare you?"

"I don't know. That just sort of slipped out without my thinking."

"You could rent someplace. Maybe at the beach? Or in the mountains? Desert?"

"Ha. Now you sound like a realtor! You've taken care of me physically. Emotionally. I guess real estate is next?" Yes, please laugh.

"However I can help."

"Seriously, you have taken care of me. I don't know, not to be insulting or whatever, but it feels good to have someone take care of me. Like having a mom again." Shit, shouldn't have said that. "Sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. It's okay. What are you saying though? What would you like me to do?"

"I don't know." I don't know. "Um, is it insulting to your medical training to ask you to do other things? Like business stuff?"

"It's not insulting at all to be thought of as capable of more than I'm trained for."

"Good. I mean, you've done all the medical stuff. You're practically my shrink too."

"Not sure Dr. Edwards would like to hear that."

"I see him twice a week. It's okay. Good I guess. All that 'how does it make you feel' shit. But I just feel like I can talk to you more. And we do talk more."

"I hope it's helpful."

"It is. You know that, don't you?"

"I do--or I think so; whatever."

"So, I guess I'm asking . . . if I have to leave here . . . could you maybe help me? Help me find someplace. Just kind of do whatever. Business or whatever." Shit--too much.

"You have your attorneys and your business manager."

"I know--I'm not talking about paying my bills. More like helping me set someplace up, that kind of thing."

"Do you want me to live there?"

Shit--there's the question. How do I answer this?

"Was that a bad question?"

"Um, no . . . I'm just not sure. Not sure how I want to answer. Not sure how I should answer. Not sure how you want me to answer."

"Listen, I don't have any ties at the moment. And I understand what you are asking. Why not? An adventure for both of us."

"REALLY?" Oh God Justin--could you be more silly? "Really? That would be great."

"A couple things . . . "

Oh good.

"Let's say it's for three months. We can always extend it."

"Okay."

"And you have to promise . . . "

"Promise?"

"Promise to be open."

"Open?"

"Open to finding out about your old life. We can move slowly. I'll help you. But you have to be open to whatever."

Hard deal. "Like?"

"Like seeing some of your old friends. Your old band mates."

"You just want to meet them!"

"Ha, ha. You figured me out."

"I'm sorry."

"Sokay--funny actually."

"Okay, I agree. Where you want to stay? Beach? Mountains? Desert?"

"Beach."

"That was fast."

"Hey, no reason not to have fun."

No reason at all.

Why? Part 28

"Hey. Thought I was going to have to send out the lifeguards."

Afraid I'm going to drown myself? "Hey, I'm a great swimmer."

"I know. Watch out for those sharks though."

"Sharks?"

"Yeah, the ones wearing bikinis."

"Right. Like they'd be interested in an old guy like me."

"OLD? Right. Real old. Maybe too old for a 13-year-old girl, but anyone who's interested in MEN instead of just a boy . . . "

Eeks . . . I better put a shirt on.

"Don't worry. I can resist . . . for now."

"Should I be scared?"

"Oh yeah. . . . I'M KIDDING!"

Whew.

"When are you going to talk to some of these people who are trying to reach you?"

Not this again.

"We've been here two weeks. It's been two and a half months since the . . . accident."

Or whatever it was.

"Lance. Why not Lance?"

Yes . . . why not Lance? "I don't know."

"Justin . . . I know you're scared. But he could help. Just once? See how it feels. We can tell him beforehand what you want to talk about or not talk about."

Why am I so scared? "Okay. Will you talk to him?"

"Yes."

"Set it up."

Why? Part 29

"Justin? He's due any minute. Do you want me to leave or stay or stay in the house someplace else? What?"

"I don't know. I guess stay in the house. Will you answer the door and bring him in though?"

"Of course."

"Thanks--oh--think that's him?"

"We didn't call for pizza."

"Cute." Stop shaking Justin. It'll be okay. Yeah, right. Easy as pie. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Someone shoot me. Oops--better not let that be heard; they'll think I'm getting ready to try again. Did I try before?

"Right back."

Calm down. Calm down. I should have taken one of those pills. Should have taken ALL those pills. Oops--there I go again. Bad boy. What will he look like? I haven't seen any recent pictures of him. God, here they come. Here they come. Oh . . . you don't look so different from the pictures.

"Hey Jus . . . how ya doin'?"

Hug . . . he wants to hug. Okay. Oh, that's nice. Oh, guess I should let go now. "Hey." God the tears again. What a crybaby.

"I'll be in the other room if you need me."

"Thanks, Ellen. Nice to finally meet you."

"Nice to meet you too."

"Yeah, thanks El. See you in a little bit."

"Kay."

"You look good."

"Oh? Thanks. You too." I guess. How would I know?

"Thanks. Do you remember the last time we saw each other?"

Cut to the chase, huh Lance? "Um, no. No, I don't. Do I want to hear about it?"

"I guess. I thought that was probably why I'm here. Why you wanted me here."

"Why do you want to be here?"

"Why?"

"Sorry. Was that rude?"

"No. Not considering everything. I want to be here because I love you."

Oh shit. LOVE?

"Don't panic--that's love like a friend. Like a brother. THAT part of NSYNC was true."

"I wasn't panicking . . . " Right.

"I wanted to see you; to spend time with you; to help, if I can."

"Lance, I don't remember. I don't remember anything much at all." Great, tears again. Oh, that's not so bad. Trade tears for hugs.

"It's okay Jus. It's okay."

"Thanks."

"Listen, let me just get some stuff out of the way. Maybe it will relax you. You and I--we've remained friends all these years. If you really don't remember anything, I guess I better say it all. Um, I'm gay. I know you're gay. You told me--oh geez--fifteen years ago? We've been through a lot with it all these years. It's been good for both of us to have someone to talk to, I think."

"You said we've been through a lot . . . um . . ."

"What? OH! Were we ever lovers?"

"Um, yeah . . . sorry I don't remember."

"It's okay. No we were never really lovers."

Never REALLY lovers? What does that mean. I think I'll wait to ask that out loud.

"Mostly just good friends. And business associates even after NSYNC. . . . What's funny?"

"I suddenly realized that I don't even know what I do! Isn't that crazy? I mean, I don't know--and I've not asked!" There's proof I'm crazy.

"You don't remember singing?"

"Of course. I mean, I remember some of the NSYNC stuff. Is that what I do now?"

"Not NSYNC, of course; but yeah, you sing, write, produce. You don't tour much these days, but you do a webshow at least once a year or so. I produced the last couple."

"Oh. I'll have to get El to play them for me."

"That may bring back some of your memories. I'd think the music you wrote would help you remember your feelings. What DO you remember?"

"As far as I can figure it out, I've regained my childhood and up to about fifteen years ago. Hey, isn't that when you said I told you I was gay?"

"Yeah. Think that's connected?"

"I don't know. Have to think about that one. Have to tell my shrink."

"You know, you've really been successful in this disappearing act. I can't believe the press has let you get away with it. They bother me all the time to see if I know anything. They'll no doubt figure out that I saw you and bother me all the more."

"Guess what. You can just ignore them, if you want to bad enough."

"Really? Maybe I should try that. What? What are you thinking?"

What AM I thinking? Nothing. Nothing. "Nothing. Really nothing. Just blanking. I'm pretty good at that."

"Well, that hasn't changed!"

"What?"

"JOKE, Justin. Joke!"

"Oh. I knew that." Sort of.

"What do you want to know?"

"What?"

"You look like you want to know things. I mean, I can tell you what I know chronologically from fifteen years ago, or you can ask me questions, or whatever."

"Do you think I tried to kill myself?"

"Whoa! Jump right to it, huh?"

"Sorry." God, I can't believe I asked that.

"If you mean two months ago, I'm not sure. I know you weren't feeling very good. Not very happy. Not sure how bad it was. You didn't always let that be known. You were going through the motions--but somehow it seemed like that was all you were doing. Sort of like fifteen years ago. Just going through the motions. I guess it could be either that you tried . . . or another possibility is that you ALLOWED it to happen--even if you didn't really DO it."

"So you think I'm capable of attempting suicide."

"You certainly HAVE been."

Oh God. This wasn't the first time. How do I know that? Because he said it? No, something more than that.

"Sorry Justin. You sure you want to deal with all this now?"

"Josh."

"Lance."

"No, I wasn't calling you Josh--I was . . . what was I doing? Asking, I guess."

"What about him?"

"Um . . . everything."

"Unless you want to sit here for the next few hours, you need to narrow it down a bit."

"Do you still see him?"

"Yeah. Not as much as you."

"NOT AS MUCH AS I SEE HIM?"

"NO, NO. Not as much as I see YOU."

"OH. Cause somehow, I don't think I see him."

"Um, no; no, you don't."

"Bad?"

"Complicated."

"Later?"

"Probably."

"Married?"

"More than once."

"Children?"

"Yeah."

"More than one?"

"Yeah. JS and Jessie."

"JS?"

"Justin Scott."

"Oh."

"And I always thought 'Jessie' was as close as he could get to 'Justin' for a girl. When he calls her 'Jess,' it sounds so much like 'Jus.' Guess he could have named her 'Justine,' but that would have been a little too obvious. Especially since you weren't even speaking by then. And Gail hated you."

"Gail?"

"Wife number two."

"Oh."

"Ten and four."

"What?"

"Their ages. JS is ten. Jessie is four."

"Do I know them?"

"JS--when he was younger. And after his mother was out of the picture. I mean, he lived with you then. But not since Gail's been around."

"Oh." I'll never catch up.

"Justin, you look so tired. Don't you think you should just rest a while?"

"Oh? Yeah, I guess. . . . Lance? How did I feel about Josh?"

"Oh Justin . . . that's not easy. And I can only tell you what you told me--and what I saw."

"Okay."

"You don't remember when you told me you are gay?"

"No."

"You were so in love with JC. You were just sick from it. And you finally told him you were gay. This is really too long a story for right now. . . . Don't look at me like that. I can't stand it when you look at me like that. I can't say no to you."

How do YOU feel about ME Lance?

"I don't think you've ever really loved anyone other than JC. I think it goes into remission for periods, but never really goes away."

"That's how people talk about cancer--remission."

"I know."

Why? Part 30

"Hey. You okay? I didn't know Lance had left."

"Mmm . . . " Why? Why all of this? Why do I have to be going through all this? Enough of a mess if I COULD remember--but now.

"Justin? You want to talk? Or you want me to leave you alone?"

I have no idea. "I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about. I'll just go for a walk on the beach."

"Can I go with you?"

"Of course. That would be nice."

Probably not. Probably not nice at all. Walking zombie--that's me. WHY? "WHY?" Oh God, I scared her. Didn't mean to do that out loud. "Sorry."

"No problem."

"It's just . . . " Just what? No sense. Making no sense. "I don't know."

"Can I guess?"

"Mmm . . . " Why not?

"I'd bet that almost three months of not knowing what the previous fifteen years of your life were like would be about the most difficult thing anyone could do. And you've done it without feeling sorry for yourself or sitting around moping. I think you're past due for some frustration--and expressing it."

How does she do this? "You make me both thankful and angry at the same time." Shouldn't have said that.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to overstep."

"No, it's okay. Just that I'm glad you understand, but . . . " But what?

"But you'd like me to let you FEEL it a while before I just explain it away."

Is that it? "I'm getting more confused instead of less."

"Sorry. I'll shut up."

"No--I didn't mean that."

"Still . . . I'll be quiet. If you feel like talking, I'll listen."

Don't do this El. I'm getting crazier by the minute, and I don't need to be worrying about you.

"Anything you want to tell me about your visit with Lance?"

So much for being quiet. But you're right. I should leave all this other. Occupy my thoughts with something.

"You are thinking so hard I can almost hear it."

And you're saying every one of your thoughts out loud. "It was strange seeing Lance. Familiar and strange at the same time, if that makes sense. It was all of that plus the information he gave me. Just bits and pieces, but . . . I don't know."

"Mmm . . . "

Wow--shut you up finally, huh? "I haven't really read much of the stuff about NSYNC from the last fifteen years."

"The time you can't remember."

"Right." Don't interrupt. "I came across a couple pictures. More, actually. Saw two or three of Lance. But I didn't read about him. Didn't want to know what he was doing, for some reason. So I don't know what the others have been doing. Don't know what I've been doing. Doesn't it seem strange that I've not been trying to discover what I've been doing all these years?"

"A little. Think you WANT to escape it?"

"Leave it behind, maybe? I don't know." Why am I scared of it? "One of the things that came up with Lance was . . . " This is embarrassing. "Um, was, um, JC."

"That makes sense."

What? What do you know? "Why?"

"You were best friends. Always the best friends in the group. Everyone knew that."

Best friends. Or more. Or I wanted it to be more, apparently. "Yeah."

"And there was lots of speculation . . . um, about, um, the EXTENT of the friendship."

"People thought we were gay?"

"Some people did. Some people--even girls and women--really got into the idea of the two of you together."

"WHY? Why would girls get into that?"

"Because you were both beautiful. And talented. And we loved you both. And it would have been beautiful to see you together. . . . And I guess for a few of us, maybe we knew we'd never have either of you, and we liked the idea that no other females would either."

Stop! I have to stop laughing. "Sorry."

"Laugh if you want. It's okay. Haven't you ever felt anything like that?"

Oh God, I guess so. "I guess I have. At least the idea of hating to see someone with someone else and knowing you'd never have him." Shut up Justin.

"Did you love JC?"

"Ouch. Sometimes El. You know you could give a guy time to breathe. You don't always have to be quite so direct."

"Sorry."

"No you aren't."

"You're laughing at me."

"Actually I'm appreciating you." Great smile. Have to find some wonderful guy who will love that smile as much as I do. You deserve to be happy. "According to Lance, I was always in love with Josh. Apparently it wasn't the easiest of situations."

"Do you remember?"

"Remember? No. Or maybe yes. You know how you don't know something but it feels so right or so comfortable that it must be true?"

"Yeah. You don't remember loving him, but it doesn't surprise you and you know it's probably true."

"Yeah. The part I really don't understand is how Josh feels. Or felt, I guess I should say. I mean, according to Lance, one or both of his children--and I can't believe he has children--one or both are named for me. Something about his son living with me. God, I just wish I could remember."

"Do you want to see JC?"

"NO!" YES! "NO!" YES! "NO!"

"You trying to convince me or yourself?"

"I need lots more information first. I can't be this vulnerable."

"That makes sense. You going to see Lance again?"

"Yeah. He's going to check his schedule and call back later about when."

"You have lots of questions for him?"

"Oh yeah! But I think I'm ready to look at some of the stuff about all of us over the past fifteen years. What everyone's been doing and all that."

"Justin, do you know . . . "

"Know what?" WHAT?

"You know that all of it isn't good?"

"That makes sense. I mean, I know that not everything about me has been good. Lance made some reference to . . . well, that I'd been very, very unhappy." Not saying that word.

"Um, not everyone is still . . . "

"Still what?" What's with her?

"Alive."

WHAT? NO. That can't be. "No . . . Lance didn't . . . No . . . I can't believe."

"I'm sorry."

"NOT JOSH! PLEASE TELL ME NOT JOSH!"

"Justin! Justin calm down. Don't cry. Justin!"