Why? Part 21
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
"I hope I'm not keeping you from doing something you wanted to do--I mean shopping or whatever."
"No--I really didn't want to fight the mobs at the mall."
"Yeah, that gets old. And how many shirts and sneakers can you buy, you know?"
"Ha--yeah. Not really important stuff, huh?" Not like you.
"I have this tune I really want you to listen to. I've put some words to it, but something just isn't working, you know? I need you to do your magic to it."
This really is about working on a song? "Oh, sure. Don't know if I can help any--your stuff's always so good."
"Don't be ridiculous--you know you always help me do better."
Oh. Justin the muse. Sweet. "How we getting to the studio?"
"Security arranged a car--of course they have to go along. I was in the mood to drive."
Yeah, me too--right into a concrete wall. "I didn't even see Lonny this morning yet--is he going?"
"Don't know. I'm sure they all know to let him know if they're taking you away from him!"
Why's that funny? He cares about me . . . one of the few who does it seems. "I guess that's okay. I'd just rather have told him."
"Let's just head downstairs and see what's up."
"Sure."
Why? Part 22
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
"Thanks Jus for helping with the song. You did do magic--as always. I think it has a chance of being good. Just some more work--maybe you'll help me again on it?"
"Sure. What are friends for?" No, seriously, what ARE they for? Somebody tell me.
"You wanting to try and meet up with the guys for a movie?"
"I don't really care." God, I really mean that. I don't even care if he wants to go or doesn't want to go. I really don't care.
"Yeah, I'm pretty tired too. Maybe I'll just go to the pool if it's not crowded."
Who cares?
"Jus?"
"Yeah?"
"Oh, just thought you were off in space someplace."
"Sorry--I'll try to pay attention better." Better than you. Did you pay attention last night? Did we even have a conversation last night? Did I dream the whole thing? Have I totally lost my mind? Afraid you'd hate me? That's a funny one. You don't even seem to have noticed! Somebody shoot me.
"You don't have to."
"Huh?"
"You don't have to pay attention better. If you're thinking about something, that's no problem."
Thanks for the permission, your highness. Your high-ass.
"That your phone or mine?"
"Mine." For someone who's supposed to have a good ear, you sure can't place sounds very well, can you? "Hello?"
"Hey Justin--it's Lance. How are things going?"
"Fine."
"Okay . . . Where are you?"
"In a car on the way back to the hotel."
"Okay . . . You sound strange. What's going on?"
"NOTHING! NOTHING at all!"
"Jeez, you don't have to yell!"
"What's with you Jus? Why'd you yell into the phone like that? Who is it?"
"Are you at the hotel?"
"Yeah."
"I'll talk to you there if you want to."
"0h, okay. Come by my room, okay?"
"Sure."
"Who was that?"
"Lance."
"Oh. What did he want?"
"To know if I'd taken a shit or not."
"WHAT?"
"He just wanted to check in and see what we were doing, I guess. He's at the hotel, ask him for yourself."
"You okay Jus? You seem angry or tired or something."
"Who knows. Don't worry about it." Don't worry about anything. Just forget it all. Just act like nothing happened. I don't give a shit.
"Well, if anything's bothering you, I'm here to listen."
Did this idiot have a brain tumor removed during the night? Has he totally lost it? "I'll remember that." Thank God we're at the hotel--let me out of here. I don't care if a bunch of little girls tear me apart at the moment--can't be worse than sitting here with him.
"You heading up?"
"Yeah." Duh.
"You going to see Lance?"
"I guess. He wanted me to stop by."
"Okay. I'll check with you guys later about what you're doing."
"Sure."
Why? Part 23
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
Who's on the phone?
"Hello?"
"Justin?"
"Lance?"
"What's up with you?"
"NOTHING. Stop asking that."
"Sorry! Jeez. I thought you were going to stop by."
"I didn't."
"So I noticed."
"Did you really need me to or did you just want to see if I was okay?"
"Well, both, I guess. You make it sound like something bad though."
"Not bad--just unnecessary."
"Why are you so angry?"
"BECAUSE I'M AN IDIOT! Because I've been worrying about what Josh would think about me, and as far as I can see, he doesn't even remember we had a talk last night. We DID have a talk last night--I swear it! I'm sure of it! Or maybe we didn't and I'm just out of my mind."
"I doubt that--but you do seem to be trying to go in that direction."
"Was that supposed to be funny Lance? It didn't work."
"Doesn't sound like much would help at the moment."
"Yeah, well--whatever. I'm going to go to sleep, I think."
"Oh, okay. Later then? Maybe dinner?"
"Maybe. Why don't you just tap on the door. If I'm awake, I'll let you in; if you don't get an answer, assume I'm asleep."
"Okay. If you need anything later--no matter how late--just call. I don't care if you wake me."
Poor Lance. Always being so nice . . . and I'm just biting his head off. He needs to find some nice guy who will love him. He deserves to have someone.
Why? Part 24
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
God why can't I just go to sleep? I just want to stop feeling all this; stop knowing about any of it. Forget that I'm fucked up. Forget that Josh doesn't care. Forget it all.
I'm such a fool. I'm all into Josh, and he doesn't even care. He just sees me as one of the five--or one of his many friends. I'm not important to him or anyone else--not really important. Just once, I'd like to be the most important person to someone. And not some little 11-year-old girl who has no idea who I really am. And I thought I was sick!
Sleep . . . I just want to sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. Forget everything. Just unconsciousness. That sounds so wonderful. Sleep. Why can't I just sleep forever?
Wait . . . really, why can't I? I can! I could make myself sleep forever. Not such a big deal. Not so difficult to do. How do I do it? Have to figure that one out . . . Go on the web and find out what to do.
How wonderful . . . to just be free of confusion and pain and questions and all that shit. It's never going to be okay--never. I'm too tired to do this battle. I want to quit. Just quit.
It really wouldn't affect the group so much. Josh has gotten to be a big star. Lots of the girls are after him. He's a better one for the transition to adult music. And all the guys have their other projects . . . even if the group didn't continue, they'd be okay. And after all, it can't last forever!
Nothing can last forever.
Except maybe pain and hurting. Just want that to stop.
Just stop.