The Silver Compass - 12 By: Sean Roberts
Feedback is very much appreciated; please send to seanr_13@yahoo.ca
Understanding
At some point during the night he had been moved to a couch. It was a cream, leather recliner. He was sprawled backwards, a bit of drool by his lip. His head pounded as he tried to sit up. He looked around at the empty room. He had not seen this room before. It contained couches and paintings and a coffee table. The room looked expensive.
He forced himself to stand and he made his way into the kitchen. Toby was cleaning.
"How are you feeling?" Toby asked.
"Okay," Michael groaned.
"Have a seat. Let me get you some coffee."
"Was that hallway clean?" Michael asked, unable to remember the look of the corridor he had just walked through.
"Been up all night," Toby said. "It was a wicked party but my parents are back tonight and they'll murder me if they find out. And only one person passed out and stayed the night, so it wasn't so bad."
"Thanks," Michael said as Toby handed him some coffee.
"Sure. Want something to eat?"
"No. Thanks." Michael sipped it. It burned his lips, but the taste and the smell and the warmth woke him up. "Was there a lot to clean?"
"Nah. Just a bunch of garbage and beer bottles. But people didn't even start leaving until five. Are your parents going to be home?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well you can't go home looking like this. They'll know you were up all night drinking. But you can stay as long as you want. Matt said he'd cover for you."
"Thanks Toby."
"Don't worry about it. Besides I owe you guys one. Remember that time Matt bailed me out last year?"
"Huh?" Michael said, trying but failing to remember the incident. "He never told me about that."
"No?" Toby shrugged and sat down across from Michael with his own coffee. "Well a bunch of us wanted to get high, and we thought it would be more fun to do it on school property. Stupid I know. We got caught before anybody actually lit anything. We had asked Matt to join us, but he got there just when Mr. Christie found us, and he just went and said `it's mine. I was going to smoke it. I left the joint here with them to go back and get a lighter.' And then he pulled a lighter out of his pocket. It was an idiotic story, but it was Mr. Christie, and he didn't want to have to kick Matt off the team, or any of the rest of us, so he let Matt take the fall. Matt was suspended, he told us he got into some big shit with your parents, but they let him stay on the team. I'm surprised you don't know."
"I'm not. That doesn't sound like one of Matt's shining moments though; he probably didn't want me to know."
"Oh," said Toby. "Well don't tell him I told you then." Michael shook his head.
"Well that explains those few days he never came to school. When I asked him about it he just said he didn't feel like it. And my parents knew, so I figured there was some good reason that nobody wanted to tell me. But I know he'd go out during the day."
"Yeah. That's when he was going out with Laura. She played hooky for a few days so they could spend the time together. Matt got over the suspension pretty fast because of her."
The coffee was making Michael feel better. He shrugged. Matthew and Laura had broken up very suddenly. Nobody knew why; and neither of them acted at all upset, though Michael could tell that Matthew was.
He spent a couple of hours with Toby before returning home. He did not figure out what Matthew had told his parents. All they said to him when he walked in was, "d'you have fun?" He said yes, and that he wanted to shower.
It was time for another hockey game and he hoped Sarah would be there. He could not remember exactly what he had said to her, but he knew it was something bad. He would apologize, and then tell her what he had needed to tell her for a week.
He sat in the back. He did not want his brother to see him. He knew that Matthew was uncomfortable around him. He was uncomfortable around Matthew. He spent the game looking around. Sarah was not there. Cameron wasn't either; they were playing a different school.
He got into his car to drive home. He started the engine and checked his phone to see if anybody had called. Nobody had. He glanced upwards and saw his parents walking across the parking lot. They had been there and not seen him. Michael decided suddenly not to go home.
He drove to a fast food restaurant far enough away from the school that he would not run into anybody he knew. It was a McDonalds. He enjoyed the familiarity of the fake wood and spotted tables. He ordered a Big Mac and a drink and sat down. He took a quick look around the restaurant while sipping his drink, and recognized Sarah. He put his cup down to look at the person with her. He saw himself; she was sitting beside Matthew. They were looking at each other, saying something to each other; involved enough in their conversation that neither had seen him.
He wanted to interrupt but couldn't. It would have been too awkward. Besides, they're probably talking about me. Matthew's probably telling her that I miss her. He smiled. He would have her back tomorrow. Tomorrow, after school, he would be able to lie shirtless on her bed and eat fruit with her while they talked. At least twice a month they would do this. They would be awake, until late, eating and talking. Especially when there was something important to discuss. It was when they felt closest. He needed to tell her about Matthew; he wanted to tell her about Cameron.
He caught a glimpse of her light brown eyes as she turned her head. He could see the colour because they clashed violently with the white of the seats. He remembered the dream again. He remembered when they had fucked, when he had looked into her eyes. He hated the word when it actually referred to sex. But it kept making its way into his head because that is what they had done. They had not made love. He had fucked her. And she had enjoyed it because she thought it was something it wasn't. "It was her first time," he whispered. "She knew." He felt a tear well up in his right eye. But he did not want to acknowledge what he was thinking. He had never thought himself capable of doing such a horrible thing.
It has to have hurt her but she didn't show it. And she didn't orgasm. But I never noticed it at the time. She had done it for me. She didn't care that it hurt because she wanted to give me pleasure. Because she loves me. And I was doing it because I was hoping to enjoy it and know that I wasn't a homosexual. And it was her first time. I took that away from her. I don't think she hates me more than I hate myself.
He lost his appetite. He left his food on the table and left the restaurant quickly and quietly. In the car he turned up the radio and lit a cigarette. He tried to lose himself in the music and in the drive. He did not want to think about what he had done.
His week was excruciating. He could barely concentrate on his homework. Sarah would not talk to him and he did not push because he now understood the way she felt. Matthew and him talked even less, which was hard because they were back into a regular routine of having dinner with their parents.
When school ended on Friday, Michael called a number on his phone. "I need a room for tonight. Under the name Miller."
"Yes sir." He dialled again. He gave Cameron instructions. He called his mother at work and told her he would not be coming home. He picked up some clothes and drove an hour and a half to the hotel. He had picked one far enough away. He needed to get out of Toronto, away from the city. As soon as he began driving by farms and woods, he began to relax.
Cameron met him just on time in the lobby. It was not luxurious but it was not cheap. The staff were polite. "Finally a quiet place to work on that assignment," Michael said after he was handed the key.
"What are you embarrassed about?" Cameron asked him in the elevator.
"I don't know," he said. Michael had paid cash.
"What's wrong Mike?" They had entered the room and Michael found the room service card.
"I'm hungry. What do you want to eat?"
"Burger is fine."
"Let's get something better."
"Like what?"
"Lobster, or shrimp, or something. I need a proper meal. And maybe cheesecake for dessert."
"Sounds good Mike."
"Good." Michael ordered the food. They turned on the gas fireplace and sat on the couch. Michael was too upset to speak and Cameron was too uncomfortable because of Michael's silence. Only the sounds of eating and fire could be heard until they finished their meal.
They had the cheesecake in bed; kissing and undressing in between bites. When their plates were empty Michael got up quickly and turned out the lights. He returned to the bed and ran his hand down Cameron's stomach. He forgot about Matthew and Sarah. He took Cameron in his arms and kissed him, tasting the remnants of the mints they ate after the cake. Cameron kissed Michael's neck. And then Michael pushed him away.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Everything," Michael said. "Every fucking thing in my life is wrong right now except for you." He turned around. They could barely see. The artificial lights in the room were off and the blinds were drawn. But Michael could make out an outline. "I love you. But I also love my brother and my best friend and I've lost them both. Because I fucked them both. And because I fucked you!"
"What are you talking about?" Michael turned around. He had just blamed Cameron. But it wasn't his fault.
"Sarah, when I was sixteen. Matthew, last week." He told Cameron first about Sarah and then about Matthew. He did not get the reaction he was expecting. He was expecting disgust; abhorrence to his brother's actions.
"It's okay Michael," Cameron said. "Get some sleep. We'll figure it out in the morning."