I put my foot down with no idea of where to go. A friend's? My Dad's? But that would mean telling them what I'd just seen and I wasn't quite ready for that yet.
I pulled up into an empty lay-by. I was in no state to drive. I'd escaped the scene, so now I needed to try and...make sense of it?
How could I make sense of it...I'd just seen the love of my life with someone else...having sex with someone else...
The image violently came back into my mind, causing a piercing pain in my chest and making me feel unbelievably sick.
Opening the car door I leant out and threw up, not that it gave me any relief.
I choked on my own breath as I struggled to breathe properly. Tears were flooding my eyes and sobs were stuck in my throat.
I leaned back into the seat and let the hurt in my heart overpower me.
I'd honestly never felt pain like it before. As cliché as it sounds, it really felt like my heart was being ripped apart.
Instinctively I wanted to be in Phil's arms to feel comforted, but in contrary the thought of being near him made me hurt more.
I sat and cried my fucking heart out. I couldn't stop seeing Phil...having sex with someone else...utterly betraying me.
The pain was unbearable. I didn't know what to do with myself, I just sobbed hysterically into my hands while replaying every detail in my mind.
Phil had seemed fine with me going to my Dads. He didn't seem annoyed or distracted as I left.
I'd only been gone about ten minutes because I'd forgotten my phone in the kitchen.
I just wanted to see him before I headed back out again...
I didn't comprehend what I was hearing as I made my way to the bedroom. I trusted him so much that whatever I should of heard didn't even set off any alarm bells ringing. As I opened the door I nearly buckled.
My throat tightened and tears immediately flooded my eyes.
It felt like my world had just collapsed around me. My world being my life with Phil...the love we gave each other...the memories we had made together...simply everything I lived for.
And right before my eyes Phil was shattering every ounce of my happiness and trust.
Unfortunately he hadn't destroyed the love I felt for him. I believe if he had, it wouldn't have hurt half as much.
As I woke up I reached my arm out across the bed, hoping to feel Jacob laid next to me. For a moment I'd completely forgotten about last night, but like a massive slap to the face I remembered every painful detail as I grabbed at the empty space beside me.
It had been a struggle to fall asleep; we'd always sorted things out before going to bed whenever we've argued in the past. A dull ache had descended over my body for not knowing where I stood with Jacob while trying to drift off.
I couldn't stop seeing his face when he found me with John in the bedroom. Seeing the tears streaming down his cheeks was heartbreaking.
I felt physically sick from guilt; I couldn't believe I'd allowed myself to hurt Jacob so much. It wasn't going to be easy getting him back, if he'd even consider it.
I quickly called work to say I wouldn't be in until the afternoon, before I dragged myself out of bed to get showered and dressed.
Once dressed in my work suit, minus a tie, I headed out to the car and set off to Jacobs's dads.
It was a miserable morning, the sky was overcast and there was a bitterly cold wind. I expected it would maybe rain later.
As I pulled up outside Jacobs Dads house I thought yet again of what I could possibly say to explain why I cheated, but to no avail.
I got out the car and paced up to the front door. I may have had no idea what to say but I was still eager to see Jacob again. I knocked firmly, and as I waited for an answer nerves began upsetting my stomach.
Jacob's Dad opened the door.
Fuck.
"Hi Steve," I said with false confidence, "is Jacob there please?"
"No, he's not here?" He responded sounding genuinely confused, "he never turned up last night, I assumed he might have forgotten."
My heart sank. I didn't feel too alarmed though; Jacob and me shared the same friends so I would just ring around to see where he was.
"Oh ok, no problem Steve. Sorry to bother you."
"Everything ok?" He questioned.
"Yeah. Just couldn't remember where he was stopping last night," I lied, "but I'll find him." I chuckled to ease any concerns he may have had.
I got back in my car and drove home before ringing around our friends. I stayed in the car so I could set off as soon as I knew where he was.
My chest felt heavier after every phone call, each person not knowing of Jacobs whereabouts. No one had heard from him or seen him.
My last hope was his brother Simon.
I waited anxiously for him to answer his phone, and when he did he must have heard the desperation in my voice, I know I did.
"Simon, is Jacob there? Have you heard from him?"
"No, should I have done?" Simon said calmly.
I couldn't suppress my frustration anymore, as I swore and let out a big sigh down the phone.
I needed to talk to Jacob, so where the hell was he.
"What's happened Phil?"
Simon was Jacobs older brother, if he knew exactly what I'd done he'd probably smack me and make sure Jacob never spoke to me again.
"He didn't come home last night. After we had a bit of a row." I said awkwardly.
"Well have you tried Dad's or his friends?"
"Yes and yes." I sighed, "no one's heard anything."
"He maybe just slept in his car then Phil. Don't worry too much, I'm sure he'll be back soon." He assured confidently, "you always kiss and make up after tiffs."
I couldn't feel as confident as Simon, as I knew we'd had more than just a petty argument.
"Thanks Si, I'll let you know when he turns up." I mumbled with self-pity.
"Cheers Phil, see you around."
I quickly dialled Jacobs's number, praying he would answer it so I could at least be reassured that he was safe.
His phone was turned off.
"Fuck!" I shouted to myself while thumping the steering wheel.
I needed to know he was ok. It wasn't like Jacob to shut everyone out. If we ever had a heated row and one of us stormed out, Jacob would always speak to someone. Usually his Dad, just so he could get it all off his chest and calm down. Fortunately this didn't seem to colour his Dads view of me.
I ran into the house, just in case he'd returned while I was gone. I searched every room frantically, each empty one fuelling my growing panic.
I couldn't report him missing because he'd not been gone long enough, but then I had a brainwave. I dug out my phonebook from the jumble of crap under the bed and started calling hospitals.
I obviously didn't want to find out he was hurt or anything, but a niggling part prayed he was a patient somewhere so I could find him, see him and at least check he was ok.
I called six hospitals, and he hadn't been admitted into any of them.
My hands were shaking and I was crying by this point. I was no longer thinking about getting Jacob back, I just begged for him to be all right. I'd started to worry if he'd done something stupid, or come off the road somewhere in his car and not been found.
As I feared the possibility of different scenarios, the pain in my heart became more intense and I cried harder.
I went to sit back in my car and pulled a packet of cigarettes and a lighter out of the glove box.
I kept these hidden for when I was stressed, so this was definitely a good time.
I sat back as I inhaled a deep drag of my cig and allowed the smoke to fill out my lungs. I liked the sensation of relaxation it gave me.
When hiding my occasional smoking from Jacob, I would eat a full packet of mints and smother myself with Lynx before going home. He never caught on luckily; he would have been very disappointed in me.
I was completely out of ideas of where Jacob might be, he wasn't really a drinker so it was unlikely he'd be drowning his sorrows in a bar, plus he'd not even taken his wallet with him so he didn't have any money for booze or even a hotel.
I set off in the car and decided to drive all over the town and then into the back roads in an attempt to find him.
I tried to convince myself he would be fine, but it didn't stop the pain and panic firing through my body.
To be continued...
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Story is also available at: http://storywithregret.blogspot.co.uk/p/chapter-2.html
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