After crying in each other's arms for a while I carefully asked Jacob if he would stop the night, though being sure Jacob knew I wasn't trying to seduce him or anything.
He said he couldn't bring himself to go into our bedroom after seeing me with John in there, saying the room felt tainted now.
I couldn't blame him for feeling that way. I continued to try and persuade him to stay though by saying we could sleep on the sofa, but he wasn't interested in doing that. He said he wanted to be alone for a while and needed some space.
I again couldn't blame him for feeling that way, but selfishly I was desperate for him to just stay and let me hold him. A heavy feeling of uncertainty washed over me at the thought of him leaving again; what if he wouldn't come back? Wouldn't let me see him again?
"I'm going to go pack up some things." Jacob uttered quietly. "Will you get me some clothes out the bedroom please."
I nodded sheepishly, feeling guilty at Jacobs's inability to go into our room.
I'm such a prick I told myself.
We both went upstairs and while Jacob went into the bathroom to collect some toiletries I wandered into our bedroom, our cold and empty bedroom, which felt contaminated with my betrayal.
I reluctantly grabbed an overnight bag and put in a couple of tops and a pair of jeans, along with some socks and boxers. I didn't pack too much; I didn't want Jacob to be able to stay away for too long. If he wasn't in a hurry to see me at least he'd need to come back for more stuff soon enough.
I met Jacob as I came out the bedroom and he chucked some things into the overnight bag. With that he took the bag from me and went downstairs and straight to the front door, with me in tow.
I really didn't want him to go.
"When will I see you again?" I uttered.
I felt close to bursting into tears again, and an urge to latch onto Jacob to stop him from leaving.
"I don't know." He practically whispered, while avoiding any eye contact.
I felt my hands begin to tremble a little, and a few tears begin to trickle down my face.
My whole body ached, but it was the most intense in my chest.
I slowly brought my hand up as I leant in towards him, and placed it on his cheek, which felt warm and slightly sticky from his dried up tears.
Jacob didn't push me away; instead he closed his eyes and let his face lean into my hand as though he was savouring my touch.
I felt so grateful for him letting me touch him. He looked as though he was beginning to relax, and he looked so beautiful.
I was probably pushing my luck, but I couldn't resist, as I ever so gently went in and pressed my lips to his.
I initially tensed while awaiting his reaction, praying he wouldn't pull away from me.
He didn't.
He actually delicately kissed back.
Wow.
The sensation that swept over me was amazing; a mixture of relief, hope and comfort.
We began to slowly kiss each other, lovingly and without a doubt passionately. It was clear he'd missed this as much as I had.
My hand slipped around to the back of his head where I then brushed my fingers through his hair.
Jacob put his hands on the back of my neck, and I think he even pulled me into him a bit.
Incredible.
I just couldn't believe we were finally kissing again. Words could hardly describe what I was feeling in that moment.
We continued that way for a couple of minutes at least, every second soothing the raging emotional pain and fuelling my hope.
It came to a very abrupt end though.
Jacob suddenly pulled away and took a step back before bursting into tears.
"Jacob?" I gasped with disbelief.
"I can't do this." He sobbed, before opening the door and darting through it.
I went after him. I felt panicked the say the least; I couldn't let him leave like this.
"Jacob." I pleaded. "Come back please."
He ignored me. Instead he continued to sob as he got into his car.
I felt stunned at the sudden dramatic change; from feeling we could be getting somewhere to him running away like this.
I stood there in the street, my heart pounding painfully, as I watched Jacob drive off.
I felt horribly empty and lonely, and the intense pain in my heart had returned with a vengeance.
I missed so much how we used to be. Being so fucked up and broken like this was utter torture...
I was completely desperate for the hurt to go away.
When Jacob disappeared from sight, I went back inside and straight upstairs to bed.
I felt fucking defeated.
On my way to work the following morning I felt so fucking miserable. I'd considered `calling in sick' but I figured moping around the house all day, dwelling on what the future possibly held for Jacob and me, wasn't exactly going to lift my spirits.
I wish we'd managed to leave things on a more hopeful note last night, rather than Jacob running off in turmoil.
Once I got settled in my office a very cheerful Ethan came in.
"Morning Phil!" He exclaimed. "You alright? You look knackered?"
"Yeah fine." I grumbled, while logging in to my laptop. I couldn't be bothered with forcing a smile on today. Not even for Ethan.
It was going to be another self-loathing day I thought.
"Late night with the boyfriend?" He winked at me.
I fucking wish, I thought painfully.
"Hmm." I mumbled dismissively, before attempting to change the subject. "So why are you so happy with yourself this morning?"
He flashed me a mischievous grin before answering.
"I hooked up with the fittest guy last night!" He giggled excitedly.
"Guy?" I suddenly choked back with surprise. "You're gay?"
I'd always thought he was straight?
To be fair he'd never actually mentioned having a girlfriend or anything, I'd just...assumed?
"Yeah? You didn't know?" He chortled.
"Um no...sorry, just assumed you were straight."
"Some gaydar you've got." He laughed. "Nah to be honest I've not been involved with a guy for a long time. My ex screwed me over a bit so I've been keeping to myself really, but I just couldn't say no last night."
I gave him a smile in reply.
Ethan grinned back as he continued. "He was really nice. I think he just wanted a one-time thing though. Not that I mind too much."
"Didn't swap numbers then?" I asked.
"Nah..." He said almost inwardly, before changing the focus of the conversation onto me. "So what's up with you then? Since yesterday you've not seemed yourself?"
I groaned to myself, not wanting to go into details about Jacob and I.
Ethan knew I was in a long-term relationship but not a lot else regarding it. I don't think he even knew Jacob's name? I didn't really discuss my relationship with him, one reason being because thinking he was straight I wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable hearing details about my gay love life.
Regardless of that though, right now I wanted to keep the situation between Jacob and I out of my mind for a while. My eyes moistened just at the thought of it all; the not knowing if Jacob and me would ever be together again, and if the hurt in his eyes would ever diminish.
"Just...not been sleeping well." I croaked, while pretending to do something on my laptop.
"You sure...?" He asked quietly.
It was lovely of Ethan to be showing such concern, but I really wasn't in the mood.
"Yeah...it's not something I really wanna talk about to be honest. Thanks though." I told him kindly.
"Well you know where I am if you need me." He smiled, before leaving my office, and leaving me with my thoughts.
The day dragged like fuck. I had a shitty meeting in the late morning then some crap to catch up with in the afternoon. I didn't say much to anyone as I was in a foul mood. I mainly felt angry and agitated with myself. I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd done to Jacob...and I missed him so fucking much. I kept picturing last nights kiss...how wonderful it felt, and whether it could happen again.
Fuck I hope so. I'd give anything to be close to him again.
By late afternoon I decided to text Jacob. I'd been thinking all day of what I could say but I didn't really have a clue, so I just started with something simple.
`How you feeling x'
Hmm, maybe abit of a stupid question considering the circumstances?
Amazingly he replied straightaway though, which I thought might be a good sign, but he didn't say anything positive.
`Shit'
`Sorry. Can I come see you? We could go out somewhere? X' I replied.
`No. Not tonight.'
Well, obviously my heart sank. Though at least he just said no to tonight and not forever...but I could have been reading into it too much?
I didn't really know what to say next. I couldn't decide if it would be worth trying to persuade him to see me, or whether I should just let him have some space for a while.
The time apart was killing me already though...I hated the idea of spending another night without him.
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted when someone knocked on the door.
"Come in." I called before quickly texting Jacob back.
`I love you...x' I told him.
Ethan came into my office with a sympathetic smile on his face.
Due to being in a shit mood I couldn't help but feel he was being patronising, but deep down I knew he wasn't really like that.
"I don't know what's going on in your life right now." He said kindly. "But I think you could do with a beer and a chat."
"That's a nice offer Ethan, but –" I started with a sigh, but he cut me off.
"I'm not taking no for an answer." He grinned. "You've had a face like a slapped arse all day, you clearly need cheering up."
I gave a small smile at that, but I wasn't in the mood to go out. I felt on the verge of screaming and crying; the pain of what was happening between Jacob and I still very raw.
"Come on Phil." He pleaded. "You'll have fun. We've not been out for a drink in ages!"
He was right, but I showed a look of doubt, which led him to continue.
"Even if you don't feel like talking about what's going on, I can tell you all about my one night stand last night." He winked.
God seriously how on earth did I not know Ethan was gay? By all means it was probably a good thing, as there may have been a risk of me trying it on during the times we'd got drunk together.
But I still felt daft for not realising. We'd been out for a drink numerous times and I'd never picked up on him looking at guys?
Not that his sexuality mattered, I was just genuinely surprised considering I'd worked with him for several months.
"Fine." I sighed. "One drink."
"Good." He smiled. "Let's go then, its 4 o clock!"
I gave him a weak smile before checking my phone and then turning off my laptop.
My eyes moistened when I saw I had no reply from Jacob.
I hope you still love me, I thought painfully...
Ethan and me made our way out the building, and after taking my cigarettes out the car we walked up the road to a nice little bar called Cobra.
"I'll get these." Ethan offered as he ordered us both a beer.
"Cheers mate." I replied, undoubtedly sounding very sorry for myself.
I couldn't help but give Ethan a quick look up and down as I usually did. His well fitted black trousers showed off his cute little ass and he was wearing a dark blue shirt. He had such a nice slender body.
His hair looked good too; slightly ruffled with a few stands sweeping across his face.
Ethan passed me my beer and we went out the back into a small beer garden. I sparked up a cig as soon as we sat down and then I had a swig of my beer.
A feeling of relaxation began to work its way through my body.
Just what I needed.
"So...how was your `date' last night then?" I asked casually, before he could ask me anything first.
Ethan chuckled to himself before answering.
"Man he was hot! But surprisingly easy if you know what I mean? We were only chatting for like, half an hour I think, before he tried it on, telling me he wanted me to fuck him."
I gave a hearty laugh at that; picturing the likely look on Ethan's face as someone offered it on a plate to him. As good looking as he was I doubted he was used to such forwardness. He could actually be quite shy at times.
"I was literally speechless!" He chortled.
"I take it you said yes though? After the initial shock of course." I grinned. "Where did you do it, did you go back to his?"
"He came back to mine." He chuckled. "We had sex, talked for a little while, and then he left. That was it. He didn't seem to wanna stick around for long!"
"That's a shame. Well hopefully it was no reflection on your performance." I teased.
"I should hope not!" He laughed. "It may have been a while but I know what I'm doing!"
"I'm sure you do." I smiled. "So what was his name?"
"Jacob." He grinned obliviously. "His name was Jacob."
To be continued...
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