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YOU KNOW HE'S SUB, DON'T YOU? - PART 45
I felt a tiny bit odd standing there in my nud, because I was standing up and Po was just sitting down in his shorts looking at me like it was ordinary. So I pretended to think it was ordinary too, "I thought you was going to see your brother for this religious event. Did you go and see your brother?" I said.
"Yeah I went to see Jobal," said Po. "It wasn't a religious event. He was playing five-a-side and they wanted me to substitute for somebody but also wanted me to play for them and say something. It was just he wanted to talk to me, talk some things over."
"Things?" "Yeah. Cause he's heard stuff I think and he wanted to know."
"Know what? What has he heard?" "Not what he'd heard. I wanted to ask him something. Look I spoke to him over the phone cause I'd heard something and he just said, you know, to come and talk it over if I wanted. If I was worried." "You was worried?"
"Not worried." "What then?" "I just wanted to ask. Him. I wanted to ask him something."
He looked down at his shorts, packed like a lunch box, and then back up at me, "Look I wanted to ask him for his help cause ... you." "Me what? What did you ask him?"
"He's my brother! I just needed him to, to speak to him about it. Cause, you know ..." He sighed. "You know. I wanted him to ..." He sighed again, "outline the situation. Break it down. Like what are the options."
"And?"
"And ..." He didn't speak for a little while. He seemed embarrassed or like it was awkward. "Look. You got to work. You got to get fit yeah?"
"Is that it? Is that all he said?"
"He said a lot, but for one thing is you need to harden up. Like a soldier. So I want you to go swimming like me for instance. I want you to get super-fit yeah? Stands to reason doesn't it? Work out. Cause ... Don't you want to be a hot guy who works out and thinks about his body and making it look good, who wants to ... excite me, isn't it? Cause he wants to be fucked. He wants to be all he can be for his bloke yeah?"
"Am I your bloke then?" I asked.
Po stared at me with cool eyes, one hand on his crotch, stroking it through his shorts like it was the most natural thing I should be staring at.
"You must be proud of your body," he said looking at me critically. "I am," I said, "quite pleased." "Yeah well that's not good enough. I want you match fit yeah? I want you lean and hard cause that's what I want yeah? I want you big here and here and then narrow, glutes well filled out," he pointed to different bits of me, "and you know, fit, yeah? Well fit, so there's blokes begging for it. That's what I want. I want you to have a body to be proud of right?"
I nodded - but I thought, 'Well it was good enough last time you fucked me!' But I didn't say anything. But I think he did, I mean, see what I was thinking.
"Look this is stupid you standing there like a clown in your birthday. Go and put some pants on and then come back and just, you know." "I thought this is how you wanted me," I said. "I did. I do. But I'm trying to have a fucking serious conversation with you here and you're standing here with your bollocks hanging out and ... Look, just get some fucking pants on. You're distracting!" "Oh ok yeah. Fine."
He looked at me like, 'Well go on then!' So I ran off and got my favourite black nylon undies that are a bit too tight, and then I ran back and he took one look and said "Yeah kneel down there," he pointed to the carpet at his feet, "Yeah, you look stupid standing there." I knelt. "Yeah. That's better. Now. Look. Point is. I mean, look, you like to feel that you are doing the right thing don't you?" he said, like he was trying to explain arithmetic.
"... Yu-uh ... I suppose," I replied.
"That you aren't in the wrong? Because you followed all the rules?" "Yeah. I suppose so."
"Yeah, but what when you aren't sure?" "Like when?"
"Like well, for instance, if you know you should do something but you don't want to because you are tired or because you aren't feeling like it?" "Well I ..."
"Well I think it's better if you do that thing, even if you aren't told but sometimes you might have to be told yeah? And then you might think, yeah, I am grateful for being told, yeah? because then it's clear and you know you're doing the right thing, yeah?" "Yeah. Course."
"Yeah. And if I want you to do something but you don't want to and you don't even get why you should ... Well what I'm saying is that then is exactly when you should do as you are told, yeah? cause then you know it's the right thing to do, cause it's not something coming out of the blue, it's coming from someone telling you, you know, who has authority, and I think you'd feel better for knowing that you'd done as you were told, yeah? and not as you wanted but as you was told and that way you'd feel better, because you know that doing as you are told is always the right thing to do no matter what. Yeah?"
I looked down and tried to think. "Doing the right thing is always doing as I am told?" I said.
"Yeah. Cause then you always feel right and not uncertain."
Po let his legs spread a bit wider by shifting the angle of his heel and letting the weight of his leg slump. I saw the fabric of his shorts tighten and change shape as it came into contact with it and I could see it's outline. It wasn't hard, but it was a big ridge of cock and I knew, I knew, that if he said so then I should do as he said because (and this sounds stupid I know but it's how I think) I should do as he said because of his big prick. It kind of gave him the authority to do as he wanted and to order me around. And cause he was a man and I was a fag.
"Does that sound right?" he said, letting it adjust up a bit and running a finger round the edge of his shorts so I thought I was about to see right in and see the dark hairy place inside.
I nodded.
"So?" "So yeah, you're right," I said. "You're definitely right. I mean, if you let me know then, I mean let me know when I'm doing the right thing ... Yeah I like that."
"You like it. And you'll follow my advice yeah?" "Yeah course. I always follow your advice anyway." I laughed.
"Yeah. Well, 'cept when you don't." he grinned suspiciously. "Well. That's right. That's what you need to do yeah?" "Yeah," I said, "That's what I need to do. Definitely. Yeah."
"Yeah. Good. Ok. That's settled then." He tapped me with his foot as though there was no more to discuss and I should just carry on. "Yeah. Course." And I adjusted the way I was kneeling cause my bum was uncomfortable and my hardon was folded awkwardly in my leg. "Yeah. That's right. I mean, I always follow your advice."
"Yeah you do but you need to do as I tell you yeah? Even if it feels ... Even if it's something you don't like?" "Like what?"
"Like what if I tell you to do something, you do it no question yeah?" "Oh. Yeah that. Oh yeah. Yeah. Ok. But then what?"
"Then nothing. Just do as I tell you." "Do as you tell me, yeah." I felt strange for some reason I still don't understand, cause he was telling me to do as I was told and not question him and obey him without talk; and I was thinking I should know my own mind, but also I knew that I wanted - that I wanted to be controlled, and to trust him. And I thought, 'I know he wants to control me and I want that; so what's the problem?'
"Yeah. Just do as I tell you." "Yeah, I will. I do do as you tell me already don't I? I mean ..."
"Yeah, and show me some fucking respect yeah?" He raised his voice slightly.
I was a bit surprised but I knew immediately that I was wrong, and I had been wrong in the past when I had argued with him or been a bit, you know, lax and not done with quite the enthusiasm - whatever it was. "Yes. I do respect you Po. I always respect you."
"Yeah you do mostly. But sometimes ... cause, look at it this way, if you want to feel good about yourself, because you are doing the right thing, then you do it how?" "By doing ... as you ... tell me?" I said uncertainly.
"Yeah, but how?" "By not asking questions?"
"Yeah but in general? In general how do you do it?" "Oh! By respect! By respecting you!" I laughed, relieved that I was getting it.
"Well done. Yeah. Respecting me and my wishes at all times yeah? That way I won't have to punish you." "P-punish me?" I said, taken aback.
"Yeah punish you cause you need to be told don't you? And how will you be told if I don't punish you? If I don't let you know? How will you know if you have been wrong?" He stared at me with cool eyes, stroking his pack absently but also like it was a blantant thing, like a threat - like the threat that what he would do.
"And hey," he grinned, "if you can't trust me to punish you when I see you have gone wrong then how will you know it's even happened hey?" "Y-you could just tell me?"
"And be ignored?" He smiled like it was the most natural thing in the world he was suggesting. "I don't like to be ignored. Think about it. It's like a feeling. I'd feel hurt. And angry. How would you feel if I was to hurt you?" "I don't know."
"You don't know." "I don't think I'd like it."
"But I'd get your attention." "You have my attention."
"Do I? How do I know?" He tapped my leg. "Look at me. You see the thing is, if I had your attention you wouldn't be like you know like this. You'd be - see your mind is wandering. I can see it in your eyes." "I'm listening to you."
"No you're not. You're thinking." "What am I thinking?"
"I can fucking see you thinking! You're thinking am I going to hit you? Will it hurt?" "Are you going to hit me?"
"Are you going to give me your full attention?"
I just sat there, I mean knelt watching him, uncertain about where we were; like did he just tell me something? Did I need to respond? Was he telling me I was bad? Was he threatening me? Was he going to hurt me? What did he want me to do? What did he want? I was really concerned. And confused. I was really confused. And concerned. Confused and concerned.
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END OF YOU KNOW HE'S SUB, DON'T YOU? - PART 45